Marriage is not a business partnership. I know, I know, you’ve heard this idea before. It doesn’t apply to you because you and your husband are different. You discuss parenting techniques, you agree on money matters, you even have a regularly scheduled date night. You certainly aren’t one of those couples who fall into the trap of treating marriage like a business relationship.
Or are you? There are ways of doing this that are less obvious and more insidious than the standard expected way. I’m thinking of your pattern of giving and taking.
Are you giving to your spouse because you love him (or her) and want to give him pleasure? Or do you have an agenda? Is there something you want or expect in return? Is there a quid pro quo in your relationship? Are you keeping a list?
If you answered the first question in the affirmative, then you can stop reading now. But if your answer is ‘no’ or ‘sometimes’ to the first query and ‘yes’ or ‘sometimes’ to any of the remaining ones, then we have something to discuss.
A relationship where we give in order to get, where we give with expectations or with strings attached, may not always be a business one but it has been shaped by the mindset and attitudes of the business world. And it is certainly not a marriage in its most ideal form. It won’t lead to a deep and lasting relationship.
You can’t keep score in marriage.
In marriage, you can’t keep score. “It was up five times last night.” “I went to the dry cleaner’s three times last month.” “I made dinner every night last week.” This type of negotiation is reminiscent of a brokered mediation not a loving caring relationship.
When the Talmud tells us that “If you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen,” it is not describing a reciprocal contract, but the natural consequences of behaving in a giving and respectful way.
Not only do we need to give to our partner without expectations or conditions, we need to do it with warmth and enthusiasm. We need to do it exuberantly and whole-heartedly. We need to do it with love.
There is a common perception that love isn’t enough to help a couple weather life’s challenges. It’s certainly true if we’re speaking of romantic love, infatuation, stars and bells.
But real, deep, abiding love, the kind that is based on commitment, where the lover cares more about his spouse’s welfare than his own, that is a love that will last. It’s so much harder than most business partnerships. You can’t leave the work at the office; it’s a 24/7 proposition. It’s non-stop giving and caring and trying to do what’s best for someone else, putting them first.
The Talmud also teaches us that “a man doesn’t die except to his wife.” That’s the most significant relationship in anyone’s life. Everyone else moves on; the deepest and most profound loss is that of a spouse, a life partner, the one who shares your hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations.
This reflects how it should be in life. We don’t want to wait for a tragedy, God forbid, to recognize this. We want to work on our marriages now and treat our husbands and wives with the caring they deserve. We want to appreciate them and the relationship now, not only after loss (I just came from the funeral of a 44 year-old mother, so this feels particularly timely).
The Talmud is teaching us about the importance of marriage and the uniqueness of the marriage relationship. It remains silent about the death of a business partner.
(10) Anonymous, September 20, 2016 6:09 PM
marriage
Undue pressure cannot be the basis of marriage. It is a business partnership done for the sake of Torah study. One cannot be in marriage a little bit ,one is either immersed in it or out of it. No one is a little bit married . The oaths were taken twenty yrs back. Family did not force me to take vows but it was on account of them that oaths were taken, so they are quite flexible when it comes to me.
(9) Anonymous, April 22, 2013 6:45 PM
There is another reason that one spouse my keep giving despite getting nothing in return and that is for Shalom Bayis, a peaceful home. But even that can get very difficult when it is all one sided. Giving for the sake of giving is great when you are in a healthy relationship, but unfortunately, I observe too many extremely lopsided marriages.
(8) Diana, April 22, 2013 2:56 PM
I agree with Anonymous dangerous message
It is against human nature to give and give and not expect anything in return. If you don´t get anything in return the motivation to give disappears. One gives because one receives and feels happy. If both partners do not behave in the ideal way portraid by the article then it will not work. Realistically when you give and do not receive in return then you feel dissapointed and sad. Humans need to receive from each other because that is what motivates us to give. You can ask any psychologist and they will agree that in a marriage both partners need to give and receive. It cannot be one-sided only because it is not fair and it will not work.
Deborah, July 18, 2013 3:16 PM
I agree with 8
It cannot be one-sided only because it is not fair and it will not work. And if the woman keeps treating him like a king and she never gets the "qeen's" return, then what?
(7) Anonymous, April 22, 2013 2:22 PM
The reason giving is hard
Giving is hard gor everyone. The problem is that sometimes u can give snd your spouse doesn't realize it because for him it would be a natural reaction while for you its a compromise.
(6) Anonymous, April 22, 2013 10:58 AM
dangerous message
I worry a lot about this kind of preaching. Why? because most of the time, the doormat spouse is the one who reads it, takes is to heart, and continues to sacrifice the self on the alter of pseudo-altruism, while the bully enjoys the privilege. Most marriages are imbalanced, and require navigation. Yes, we don't want to haggle, but we do need to ask for our needs- spouses cant read minds. Giving indefinitely regardless of reciprocity eventually runs out and leaves the marriage empty. Communicating and negotiating life are what a healthy relationship involves.
(5) Sam, April 21, 2013 11:46 PM
Love means to Give
The Hebrew word for 'LOVE' is 'AHAVA'; which means 'I give'. The only way one can establish true love, is by giving without expecting something in return. This will be true with loving children, friends, and of course your spouse. You don't truly love your child when they're first born. It is developed with time. By getting up during the night to feed him/her, changing the diaper, and caring for that baby is the way you are establishing the love towards your infant. That is you giving and not asking anything in return. And that is how you are developing that love. Giving and expecting something in return is not called "Giving", rather it is called "Exchanging".
esterka, April 23, 2013 6:59 PM
agree
i agree with SAM, we need to be less egoistic and self absorbed and without condition. Thats hard but most important.
Margaret, March 28, 2015 10:55 AM
Very true Sam
(4) Rachel, April 21, 2013 7:04 PM
Every couple has their own ideas of how to run their relationship
People change. Love fades. But commitment should be lifelong. I am not "in love" with my husband the way I was when we married 30 years ago. We know each other too well, we have memories of problems. But that's not what keeps us together. We are together because we made a commitment to each other. We also made it to the community, our families, and when we had children, we re-made it to them. So the fact that we're not "in love" is secondary. I respect and care for him, and he does the same for me. When one of us has needs, the other attempts to do the best to meet them. I think it's unfortunate that there is so much focus on "love" and not on commitment. Similarly, when one has children, sometimes they are "unloveable". But we brought them into the world and have unconditionally committed ourselves to caring for them. The world would be a better place if people stopped worrying about their feelings and were more concerned with meeting their obligations.
Betsy, April 22, 2013 7:30 PM
I agree with you, Rachel.
I agree with you about commitment being more important than "love". People are too worried about their feelings which can change with the wind.
Abigail, April 23, 2013 10:01 AM
true wisdom
Your comment highlights not only what is a proper attitude towards marriage, but towards life. Thank you.
(3) Anonymous, April 21, 2013 6:10 PM
the eternal complaint
why aren't boys educated to help at home? It makes no difference if the mother has help or not. They MUST help. They CANNOT whine. Also, schools must teach children to recognize when help is neeed and not the "call me if you need me" mentality . Many mothers/wives don't like to ask for help and when husbands or children don't offer to help they get FURIOUS. All of these lead to fights in the home. So, when a boy grows up and gets married, and ignores his wife when she is going crazy, or lets her do everything because he is "chilling out" in front of the computer, she gets resentful and angry and "he can't figure out why". That's why women turn a marriage into a "business" Yes, they have a right to EXPECT the husband to do his part.(children need to be told what to do) It REALLY isn't fair.
(2) Anonymous, April 21, 2013 4:09 PM
Never quite understood this dictate
I never understood this dictate. It asks two things: that you give, and that you don't expect. When you don't fulfill that second aspect, it's concluded that there's some sort of business mindset at play, that you can't be a selfless person. What always fails to be addressed is the reason that this is so upsetting: It's not that you need to be given to, or that everything must be reciprocated in terms of an equal scorecard--it's the frustration, disappointment hurt or any other adjective that follows the realization that your partner isn't stepping up. Heck, they don't ned to be doing it for you, per se--it could be that the don't do a thing for you because they're busy taking care of an ill parent, or who knows what. But when a spouse is unencumbered yet sits back and lets you do the "giving," what's not to be upset about? From a middos perspective, if you have a healthy self-esteem, i can see the value of being machnia here. But I don't see the value within the context of a developing relationship.
(1) Esther, April 21, 2013 9:42 AM
So true!
Thank you for this timely reminder to give to our spouses 100 % - I think we all need hearing it from time to time!