One of the first things we purchased after buying our house was a small portable island for the kitchen. After some shopping around, I found just the right one. We took it home, assembled it, lacquered the wood, and spent at least a week enjoying it. Just a glance at it was enough to make me smile.
A few months later, as I was passing through the furniture section at Target, I saw it. My island, but better. With features I hadn’t even thought to look for. And I felt it – regret, remorse. Maybe I should have just waited a few more months and I would have had the perfect island.
I became annoyed by my island’s deficiencies, lackings that hadn’t been there the day before. What happened to my love of the island? How fickle. How normal.
After all, everything in our society can be upgraded. And even if I had that newer island, it’s likely that I would eventually see another island which would somehow be more perfect. New technology comes out so frequently that a cutting-edge smartphone will be an “old” model six months after its release. A new car depreciates the moment it’s driven off the lot, and the next year’s model has enough new features to entice car owners to trade up.
We’re told newer is better, and if you’re not happy with what you have, just go get a new one. Problem solved; happiness guaranteed.
How does living in this age of disposables affect the way we view marriage?
If a spouse is just like an appliance, someone who happened to fill the criteria we laid out while dating, then it becomes all too easy to compare our spouse to other “models” we see. I remember hearing about a friend’s husband who sent his wife on a shopping spree after she worked hard to make Yom Tov. My first reaction was, Hmph! Why didn’t my husband do that for me? He must not appreciate me!
And I don’t even enjoy shopping! I realized how easy it was for me to compare my marriage to another, and how harmful that could be.
We all fall into the comparison trap.
Maybe it's how much someone else's spouse helps around the house, or gives gifts, or makes romantic gestures. We all fall into the comparison trap.
The Talmud teaches that 40 days before a child is born, a voice from heaven announces who they are to be matched with. Just because our match is heaven-sent (literally) doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy street. Every marriage takes hard work and will go through ups and downs, but through the work we do together, we are creating a holy bond and coming closer to achieving our spiritual potential.
Judaism teaches us to internalize that our spouse, with all their positive and not-so-positive traits, is exactly who we’re supposed to be with (this also applies for second marriages). Whatever attributes we find challenging are an opportunity to work on our own tolerance, patience and compassion. I know that I am certainly a work in progress, and I’m grateful that every time I mess up, my husband isn’t looking for an upgrade!
Instead of being on the lookout for something “better,” work on cultivating gratitude for the spouse you do have. One great tool is to keep a list of all the things you appreciate about your husband, and review it frequently. Another is to give regular compliments or praise, even for little things like taking out the trash or picking something up from the store.
When I started looking at my husband through a lens of appreciation instead of criticism, it changed the entire dynamic of our marriage. We are more patient with each other and more quick to laugh at the many stressful situations that come with raising a family and living life.
These days, when I hear about something amazing someone else’s husband did, I don’t get jealous. I know that my husband is just the right guy for me, and the only regret I feel when it comes to my marriage is that I didn’t stop the comparison game sooner.
(7) Leah, October 4, 2015 11:50 AM
Beautiful!!!! Nice metaphors and analogies. On spot!
(6) Anonymous, August 22, 2015 7:08 AM
And sometimes, enough is enough!
And does this apply to relationships that have been damaged to the point of no return? How many times does HaShem expect one to change their lenses?
(5) Anonymous, April 6, 2014 6:29 AM
everything is exactly what we’re supposed to be with
"Judaism teaches us to internalize that our spouse, with all their positive and not-so-positive traits, is exactly who we’re supposed to be with". isn't everything exactly what we’re supposed to be with?
(4) Anonymous, April 4, 2014 4:59 PM
Great!
This is SO true! Thank you so much for posting it! :)
(3) Rachel, April 3, 2014 5:41 PM
What a Good Egg!
A good article, but also a clever illustration!
If someone is an 8 out of 10, thank Hashem and be grateful. First, there are no 10's out there, and second, what makes me think I'M a 10? I hope I rate better than 5, so I guess my husband deserves extra points for staying married to me!
(2) Anonymous, April 3, 2014 3:08 PM
My husbnd
-died almost exactly one year ago today (he passed April 2, 2013). I just wish I had him back, though not in the pain and suffering he endured. Truly did not know what all a GIFT from G-d he was as though he could not work (too sick) he kept the family together and was "Daddy" to one grandchild who had no other Daddy. I miss him so!
Kathy, April 8, 2014 11:12 PM
I'm so sorry
I'm sure unless one has been widowed, it's impossible to understand what it's like. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your husband OBM sounds like a really loving family man. I will pray that you will begin to feel better soon, and eventually enjoy many future Passovers.
(1) Mindy, March 31, 2014 6:49 AM
Good article
I don't compare my husband to other men, because I don't find other men appealing, but I do compare him to what I think *He* could be. :)
Raphael, April 1, 2014 10:28 AM
Watch out!
Mindy - I hope the smiley meant you were joking, because comparing your husband to some idealized fantasy of who he could be" is a sure-fire recipe for marital misery. First, who says that your dream-image of him is correct? Probably you've injected quite a bit of self-interest and unrealistic expectations into it. Second, even if your ideal assessment is accurate, who says that your husband is obligated to keep to it, 24x7? And finally, is criticism a valid marriage technique? Or does it inspire resentment? his book The River, the Kettle, and The Bird, Rabbi Aharon Feldman relates that he once sat down with a young man who had a rocky marriage. When the fellow proudly related that he had no problems - that every day, he sat down and told his wife everything she had done wrong, Rabbi Feldman knew he had found the problem.
Look for the good - there is plenty there. Every day, write down 5 good things about him. Repeat it the next day, with 5 different ones. Keep going, and you'll be amazed at how wonderful he becomes.