These are the moments that marriages are made of, the millions of small decisions that we make that shape us as we go through the regular, everyday stuff of life. Such was the case of the suitcase in my living room.
My oldest daughter is about to leave for a year abroad in Israel and my mother gifted us three pieces of luggage, two of which were selected to make the journey to the Holy Land. The third would stay behind and reside in our attic until needed. The two chosen suitcases were moved to my daughter’s bedroom, and the one remaining stood tall and lonely in the middle of our living room.
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In my house operates what I lovingly refer to as “the law of infinity.” This means that if something is left in the middle of a room, or on the steps, or in a hallway, it will stay there for infinity unless I personally pick it up (or direct someone to do so). Over the years, in deep and abiding gratitude (seriously) for my happy crew, I bend and lift and collect and arrange and sometimes ask my husband or one of my kids to move the sock, put the Lego in the basket, or the stroller back on the porch. I happily accept this as a privilege of motherhood.
But somehow, the suitcase was needling me. After all, it’s bigger than a sock. My husband was part of the conversation that concluded that this poor suitcase would not have the merit of traveling to Israel (its only crime being that it was eight pounds heavier than the others). So he knew it needed to be taken upstairs. For a few days, it sat in the middle of the living room. Then I moved it to the side, and that’s when the trouble started. It began with my lower self asking me why my husband has not taken it upstairs yet (my lower self did not ask it that nicely). My higher self said, “Oh just take it upstairs yourself. Stop being so silly.” To which some middle part of me said, “Oh leave it, he’ll do it when he gets home.”
“If he loved you, he would know you needed the suitcase moved.” “Oh please, if you loved him, you would not bother with this nonsense.”
That was Wednesday, and by Friday I was arguing with myself again. “But you teach this stuff,” said my higher self. “You know men don’t read minds. Just ask him to do it.” To which my lower self said, “Ha, after 18 years of marriage, he should do a little mind reading.” Higher self: “He is busy working and learning and helping with the kids. He cleans up every Friday night after the meal. He mows the lawn; he balances the check book; he gets up with the baby in the middle of the night.” Lower self: “So what, they are his kids too. You work; you cook.”
Quickly my selves had begun debating the merits of my husband, and thrown us into a competition for meritorious contributions to the household. I could see it going downhill fast.
Lower self: “If he loved you, he would know you needed the suitcase moved.”
Higher self: “Oh please, if you loved him, you would not bother with this nonsense.”
Friday afternoon, just before he came home from work, I moved the suitcase to the bottom of the staircase, where it would clearly block anyone and everyone from using the stairs. Lower self, one. Higher self, zero.
Friday night, the suitcase had been leaned heavily over on its side (not by me) where everyone could (and did) step around it without too much effort.
Comes Shabbos morning. The house is quiet; it’s me and the suitcase. Lunch guests are coming soon.
Lower self: “Can you believe it?”
Higher self: “Please, enough already just take it upstairs yourself.”
Lower self: “Move it to his bed. He’ll probably just sleep on it for six months without even noticing it’s there.”
Higher self: “If you asked him to move it, you know he would. He always does. Then you say thank you, and you get good karma.”
Lower self: “Forget karma, I’ll bet it stays there for another three months.”
Turns out that higher self won in the end. When he came home from shul I asked if he would please take the suitcase upstairs. “Sure,” was the answer I got. And he did. Of course lower self was not to be silenced completely. When he came back down I asked him (nicely), “How come you didn’t take it up sooner?”
“I didn’t notice it.”
Lower self wanted me to retort that he should have noticed. That he should notice me more, appreciate me more, pay me more attention. My lower self can be quite adept at carrying things a bit too far.
Behind him, my eye catches the bright yellow of Calla Lilies (my favorite flowers) that my husband brought home for Shabbos. They are winking at me from the dining room table.
I look back towards the stairs and smile, as much to myself as to my husband and say, “Thank you, honey.”
(31) Anonymous, January 6, 2013 5:02 PM
Loved this! And reminded me...
...of how I mentioned to a friend once that, ever since I was on maternity rest (a long time ago) my husband got in the habit of doing a lot of the cooking and grocery shopping, but one thing really bugged me -- that when he finished washing dishes (even when not on maternity rest I have a bad back), he always dropped the apron over the back of a chair rather than hanging it up. She looked at me increduously. "He shops? Cooks? Washes dishes? YOU HANG UP THE STUPID APRON!" I was duly chastised, took her advice and never looked back.
(30) Martha Ann, August 26, 2011 9:26 PM
This is a great article. What woman can't relate?
(29) Anonymous, August 25, 2011 10:22 PM
Missy, soooooooo true! And, in every household! God Bless.
(28) Anonymous, August 19, 2011 10:05 AM
so true
Hysterical, because it's so true! I just returned from three and a half weeks abroad, to discover a spotless house, a fully cooked Shabbos, and an almost-lifeless plant in the middle of the living room. Believe it or not, half of it was already black from lack of water! When (after admiring the house and cookded Shabbos) I asked my dear husband why he didn't water the so prominently displayed plant,, he looked at me in total comfuseion and asked, "Oh, we have a plant? Where?" Like the book says, Men are from Mars...
(27) Anonymous, August 17, 2011 10:53 PM
I would like to ask these men if they were never taught from childhood to pick up after themselves.if not, shame on their parents !!
(26) Anonymous, August 17, 2011 8:03 PM
patience is a virtue
Very well written, accurate down to the minutest detail and entertaining to boot. Nevertheless, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." After many more than 22 years of marriage, I don't engage in this internal dialogue any more and either ask right away or do it myself.
(25) Anonymous, August 17, 2011 6:22 AM
what if...
yours had a happy ending. what if after my higher self has asked and still it takes 6 months until I see results? and that's after 22 years of marriage !
(24) Judith, August 16, 2011 9:20 PM
Wonderful - rings so true!
I laughed till I cried.
(23) Pam, August 16, 2011 12:37 PM
LOOOVED THIS!!
laughed with tears! Its so fitting! Thank you!
(22) Anonymous, August 16, 2011 10:03 AM
Disregard those negative comments!
You are writing for 99.9% of us! Thank you so much for putting it in words, right down to the internal arguments. I wish I lived next door to you.
(21) Anonymous, August 16, 2011 4:53 AM
LOL!
do you live in my house????
(20) Anonymous, August 16, 2011 4:44 AM
the missing link in the whole story
unfortunatley, you have "seminary syndrome". this is where even after 18 years of marriage certain basic tenants dont come into play that should be as basic as any other fundamental rule in marriage, "you are obligated to honor your husband" (she should obey his words, instruction and will" Rambam) this is a command from Hashem, as you Honored your parents you must honor him. So while he is obligated to help you and honor you etc...and a good husband doesnt stand on ceremony demanding you must honor me, rather he focuses on honoring her, which in this case there doesn't seem to be a lack of love and respect. But for you to sit there and try to aquit him as if he needs acquitting and try to excuse him with "he really is good and he cleans and this and that does he really love me I'm sure he does" etc... while it makes for a cute article he is the master in the home, if you ask him to take it up and he agrees, beautiful, sholom al yisroel. But the fact is you are looking at it from the worng lens. He doesnt need to do it. so with all your subconsiocus notions, look at it as If your mother would leave a suitcase there and say straight out, i'm leaving this for you to do, you can have a list from today to tomorrow of your tasks and obligations and the nerve Mom should add one more thing on my plate. would that be your thought process, would you consider that honoring your mother or would you say no problem Mom (i'll have my husband take it up") with respect and love there is harmony in a home but the obligation of kavod is incumbent upon wives. Girls are never taught that and from day one look at the lackings of the husbands and create tremendous discord because they do not understand this tenant.
Rachel, August 16, 2011 7:38 PM
This is pathetic
"Tenants" are individuals who pay rent to live in someone else's property. "Tenets" are principles. I hope no one is taking your subliterate rant too seriously.
Anonymous, August 17, 2011 11:09 PM
What planet are you living on and which century is this? Is this archaic tenet thts is being taught to your daughter.
(19) YoJewMama, August 15, 2011 8:58 PM
"Like"
I guess I'm too addicted to the facebook way. I just wanted to click the "Like" button, but I have to write the whole thing out. Nice reminder for me to let my higher self win at my house too. Thanks!
(18) Rachel, August 15, 2011 7:21 PM
I'm a woman who doesn't notice
I have to admit, there are times when I just don't notice things lying inconveniently around the house. My husband is much more of an "everything in its place" kind of person than I am. However, IF I notice something isn't right (this usually tends to be things that are potentially dangerous, not merely inconvenient) I of course put it away, or ask someone to help it if it's too heavy for me. Much better to communicate about these things than to stew about what hasn't been done.
(17) Welton, August 15, 2011 12:51 AM
Appropro
This was awesome to this husband of 28 years. I got up and moved an 8-foot ladder out of the hallway. Are we all like this?
(16) Chava Yelloz, August 14, 2011 11:19 PM
My Husband, z"l, and EVERYTHING
As a very recent widow, whose husband passed away without the slightest warning, and who was the most industrious and talented builder, inventor and Mr. Fix-It, I can surely relate to this piece. I only wish I had a suitcase blocking my living room, my staircase, or even obstructing my bed. Nothing would bother me any more - as long as he was here in our house again. Count your blessings!
Miriam, August 16, 2011 3:11 AM
You are so right.
Thank you for the much needed reminder. Very well said. May Hashem bring you comfort.
(15) orly, August 14, 2011 10:43 PM
Very Nice!
I literally got a good laugh out this! it's very clever, well-written, and has a very strong message behind it. Thank you
(14) Jeffmilwak, August 14, 2011 10:41 PM
Venus, Mars and Communication
While this may not appear in Judaic texts, it is an absolute truth that there is no way a man (or boy) can understand a woman's thought process or emotions. The inverse is also true. The only solution is direct, timely, communication. In the face if necessary. While I enjoyed your story, and nodded my head in agreement and understanding how much more could you do - other than going along with your inner voice and shlepping the case upstairs and out of sight. My suggestion is that what you encountered is a failure to communicate.
(13) Alan S., August 14, 2011 6:07 PM
This is a cute, well written article, yielding a lesson everyone can appreciate. I found it disturbing that the man was as out of touch as the story portrayed. He should, of course, be more aware of his household and environs. The important lesson everyone can appreciate is that Ms. Groman did the right thing by speaking with him about it and not making a world war out of it.
(12) Haya Augenstein, August 14, 2011 4:42 PM
Played like a vdeo in my head!
Knowing the author and her husband, and just knowing myself and my household members, I could so easily picture the scenarios in my head as I read the article. I am always astounded how my family members will climb OVER items left right in the middle of the stairs, instead of taking the items upstairs with them. It is a universal truth!
(11) BRENDA WEINTROB, August 14, 2011 4:21 PM
A DELIGHTFUL INSIGHT
I have not been so delighted nor laughed so long nor so hard in years. Thank you, Melissa Groman for your wonderful way of writing about the small, but significant parts of our daily lives.
(10) Marie, August 14, 2011 3:52 PM
As a widow who would do anything to have my husband back in my home and of course speaking with hindsight, today I would not flinch to carry, pick-up, do - whatever, if only my husband was alive and living with me again ...!
(9) John, August 14, 2011 2:49 PM
The Same But Different
LOL Its just the opposite for me at home. I mean I have the same feelings and thoughts but Im the one in your shoes here Melissa. Its gone on for so many years rarely do I say anything anymore, because it doesnt sink in and does no good. And why fight about it. It would solve nothing! :(
(8) Elana, August 14, 2011 2:31 PM
My husband and yours are the same
This is typical of most households I know. Just like repeating our birthing stories, wives have stories of husbands who have to be reminded to do the same chores for thirty years. Men from Mars, Women from Venus - so true
(7) John D. Miller, August 14, 2011 2:29 PM
Men Change Don't They?
Many years ago, I began unpaid research, which meant being at home, as a 'kept man'. This state of affairs taught me to ensure a tidy and clean apartment. But this was a small price to pay for me doing my own very selfish thing. So I did change.
(6) Yael Zoldan, August 14, 2011 2:28 PM
What a wonderful portrayal of a marriage!
This is what marriages really are made of! The moments when we face our own and our spouse's weaknesses and strengths and decide again and again that we want to be together and that we choose to be happy with each other. Thank you Melissa for your honesty and your insight!
(5) Lori McHugh, August 14, 2011 2:15 PM
This is my household dynamic
The author read my mind when she wrote this article. She points out the struggle between doing what is right (which will result in peace and ultimate good) and doing what might selfishly "feel good" (which results in continued dissatisfaction).
(4) anonymous, August 14, 2011 1:35 PM
this could...
this could have been my husband and the dialogue could have been in my mind. i stopped waiting for him to notice ( and get away with it ). i chose to take the vindictiveness out of the picture. now ( most of the time ) i just ask him to do whatever it is i need him to do. it's my contribution for shablom bayit.
(3) Anonymous, August 14, 2011 1:18 PM
Next time a man says he did not notice, he should be asked, "Did you forget or did you not notice that breakfast was ready for you when you came down to the kitchen table." Bet he would notice that !!
(2) Stephen Hirsch, August 14, 2011 1:09 PM
There is a very good substitute for mind reading
It's called "English". Clearly saying what you want someone to do, without rancor, works very well. Men are never going to read minds because it's like going to the supermarket and paying for your groceries with dimes. You can, but why?
(1) Betty Moses, August 14, 2011 12:34 PM
Its not that men don't notice things that are obvious.They are just plain lazy and do as little as possible. i sincerelt hope that women don't fall for the usual stuff that men don't realize till told. They hope the work will be done and when asked,will always say "Why didn't you tell me.I woud have gladly done it."
Wayne, August 15, 2011 4:42 AM
Do you want it moved or don't you?
Am I married to you? You seem to be the kind of person who doesn't really want the suitcase moved. That gives you the opportunity to complain that it wasn't moved. It your husband did move it, you'd find something else to complain about. He didn't move it soon enough. He put it in the wrong closet. He turned it the wrong way. He moved your shoes to make room for it. He didn't move your shoes and scuffed them. He didn't shut the closet door. The closet door won't shut because the suitcase is not sitting on its end. You will never be satisfied with any man because you don't want to be.
Anonymous, August 24, 2011 12:26 PM
Its not that at all. Wives are happy with any help they can get from their husbands but it so happens that you guys fake it all the time and pretend you can't do it. You intentionally do a bad job of whatever you do, so the next time you are not asked. Come on be honest. Many men who have "so called come out of the closet" have admitted it. You guys are just plain LAZY when it comes to house work and kids.