“We’re getting a divorce,” my friend told me over the phone.
A divorce after so many years of marriage? After having gone through so much together? After raising children? Why? What happened?
But I knew the answer. I had heard it so often lately and from many different friends and acquaintances: boredom, growing apart, sitting in front of each other and having nothing to say, lack of romance and intimacy, feeling like two strangers, not seeing eye to eye, unwillingness to continue to put up with issues that one has endured for so long because the children were still at home, a chance to find someone else who can truly satisfy one’s needs.
In the midst of all this turmoil, I couldn’t help but think about what was happening in my marriage. When the children were at home, our conversations were centered on them, on work and ways of running a functional home. After our children left home, we began to experience some of the same challenges that our friends were struggling with. There was a gap that had developed and the question was how to close it.
The divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled in the last two decades, what sociologists are calling “The Grey Divorce Revolution.”
It comes as no surprise that the divorce rate in the United States is one of the highest in the world—over 50%. What is truly shocking, however, is that the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled in the last two decades. Sociologists are now calling this phenomenon “The Grey Divorce Revolution.” Experts predict that the divorce rate among this age group will continue to accelerate in the future. Although formal study of the phenomenon has only just begun, it is believed that the primary cause is the focus on self-fulfillment and individualism by the “Me” generation. The philosophy of “what have you done for me lately” has finally come home to roost.
In order to avoid becoming part of this growing trend my husband and I had to take quick, definitive action.
I always thought that I knew my husband like the palm of my hand and that nothing he could do or say would surprise me. But one day he surprised me in a way that I never thought was possible. He said, “How about we take a year off to travel, learn, and reconnect?”
I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Take a year off and do something that goes diametrically in the opposite direction of what our friends are doing? It was brilliant!
But how could we pull it off? While I had some flexibility, my husband had a demanding job as a senior executive at a big company. They would never allow him to take that time off.
“I’ll quit,” Eli suggested. “Or more accurately, I’ll volunteer to get laid off,” he added.
“Quit, laid off…?” How about all the bills? How about leaving a high paying, stable job at a time when we have two kids in college and the economy is being dragged down by unprecedented unemployment?
“Are you willing to downsize after we get back…if we have to?” he asked.
And right then it began to dawn on me. I was tasting freedom, the realization that we were not trapped, there were options and it’s all a matter of choices. My husband was serious and this was decision time.
I trusted that after returning we could find a way to survive, but I would have to be willing to downsize and make sacrifices. It only took me a few seconds until I heard myself saying, “Let’s do it!”
We informed our family and friends. Our children were very encouraging, as were my parents. Even my father, who has always been a workaholic, quoted (without realizing it) Ethics of the Fathers, saying, “If not now, when?” Among our friends there were various reactions. Some thought it was a marvelous idea; others thought that we were out of our minds. But for us, the train was leaving the station and we were determined to catch it.
It happened much faster than we expected. Two months later we were on our way.
Related Article: Ten Things Women Wish Men Knew
Israel: Confronting Our Issues
We decided to start our trip in Israel because spirituality had always been a contentious issue in our family. My husband grew up in California and came from a very secular background. I was raised in Argentina, part of a close-knit Jewish community that was more bonded by culture than religion. When we got married and had children, I was appalled at how easy it was for Jews to integrate and assimilate in American culture. I decided to send the children to a Jewish day school where they would learn Judaism from teachers who lived by and believed in what they were teaching. Eli went along with it for the sake of shalom bayit but did not embrace it with enthusiasm. In time our children and I became more observant, and as I unilaterally introduced more Judaism at home, spirituality became an issue in our relationship.
Israel was the ideal place where we could confront head-on the core issues that had taken us in different directions.
Israel was the ideal place where we could confront head-on the core issues that had taken us in different directions. For a few months, I went every morning to learn at Neve Yerushalayim, a seminary for young women with little background in Judaism. Eli attended the Essentials program at Aish haTorah, an introductory program for young men (and a few older men from time to time). The transformation in our marriage was immediate.
New doors and horizons opened in front of us. For the first time, we were delving into Torah and we couldn’t get enough. It helped us gain a tremendous perspective and led us to question ourselves about our lives and goals as individuals and as a couple. We couldn’t wait to see each other and share the new things we had learned. We had so much to talk about.
For Eli, something awoke deep within him. This was the first time that he had the opportunity and inclination to explore, question, challenge, understand and begin to forge a relationship with God. This was crucial for our relationship. Now instead of me pushing, we were able to grow together, side by side. It was his suggestion that we should start observing Shabbat.
What we learned in Israel had a significant impact on the way we relate to each other. For example, we found very interesting the concept that a spouse is like a mirror that exposes the weaknesses of the other in a way which leads to growth. Marriage is not supposed to be all fun and games, but an interdependent relationship that challenges each spouse to grow and strive to reach his or her potential. This concept has helped us to deal with our differences.
Now when we have a difference of opinion, instead of using it as an opportunity to create more distance we view it as an opportunity for growth. This doesn’t mean that these conflicts are enjoyable, but there’s always something positive to learn when the dust clears.
Seeing the World
After Israel, our trip continued to other countries like Australia, New Zealand, Botswana, South Africa, Italy, France, England and several more. Every few months though, we felt compelled to return to Israel to recharge our “spiritual batteries”. The level of consciousness and connectedness that we found in Jerusalem, we concluded, has no parallel in the world.
We discovered that we can live with less, and invest in what’s really important: family, Torah, and our relationship.
Still, in each place we visited we had unforgettable experiences and learned so much. Among other things, we discovered that even though we were spending most of our time staying in tiny, one-room hotels or apartments, we were incredibly happy. We didn’t need as many clothes and things as we previously thought. We started with four large suitcases and gradually reduced down to two. We learned that in other countries people live and enjoy life with less stress and without as much pressure to work incessantly in order to acquire the latest material things. We discovered that we can live with less, work in a more balanced way and invest our time in what is really important: family, Torah, and our relationship.
Ours was a rare opportunity. It is not necessary to take a year off to have a successful and fulfilling marriage. All it takes is the willingness to make the relationship the number one priority. Take time to be with one another, invest in the relationship, be giving, be grateful, bring some fun and sense of humor to the relationship, treat each other with the utmost respect and learn Torah and grow Jewishly together.
(22) Patrick, October 19, 2012 9:41 PM
it seems you spent a lot of money, i guess you're the lucky ones who would only need to decide when, but to others who doesn't have the means to cease work, just so they can rejuvinate their marriage, the question becomes how.
(21) shlomo, October 18, 2012 11:34 PM
wow i luv this article!
thanx a zillion! very helpful IMHO even if we r unable to take off a year, we can all learn a great deal!
(20) Anonymous, October 18, 2012 1:15 PM
How to sign up?
I looked for the program that this couple offers on the internet and could not find it anywhere. It would be helpful if their website was added so that people wanting to access their services could reach them.
(19) levi, October 17, 2012 10:29 PM
chabad houses
Wow! how many Chabad Houses did y'all visit?
(18) SusanE, October 17, 2012 7:07 PM
Just for One Month.
This couple probably learned in one year what it took their entire lives to realize. Beginning their journey in Israel was a wise way to start a new direction in life together. They will have the entire year to share with one another forever, I'm assuming they are about 50. In one month of exploring Europe on my own at 50, I learned that life really isn't about how much stuff you have. It's the experiences and deeds and memories that a couple share. Surprisingly a month in Europe isn't that expensive. Modest guest homes, pensiones, hotels, and B&B rooms make your stays very meaningful and very affordable. There is a phrase that I have hung over the door. "The best things in life - - - - aren't things"
(17) G. Goldberg, October 16, 2012 6:05 PM
Love it
Thank you for such an inspiring article. This new perspective is very interesting and I think anybody can apply this concept to the everyday’s life
(16) maddy, October 16, 2012 12:52 PM
the spark
She will wrote well about what makes a marriage work. She described in a nutshell how to grow a relationship. That was the main point for me. They were open to acting to change together The travel was a big plus but not the main reason it worked.
(15) mich, October 16, 2012 1:30 AM
Great and innovative lesson
I am happy that the husband took the first step to deal with the situation. I just quit a job that would not allow me see my wife and faminly throughout the week, I have now learnt the next step from this couple. I will definitely follow this example though I dont think I have the resources to go for a year or over the world, I will see how far we can go within available resources,
(14) Elizabeth Rosenbaum, October 15, 2012 3:28 PM
so inspiring
Love this interesting story.
(13) Shaindy, October 15, 2012 4:20 AM
I think some of you are missing the point...
Those of you saying that this is unrealistic, I think you're missing the point Illiana was trying to make. The point is to connect with your spouse, in whatever way you can, so that when your children leave the nest, you still have a relationship that isn't dependent on them. Most of us wouldn't be able to take off for a year like Illiana and her husband did, but there are other ways of keeping a relationship alive. My husband and I have four kids, so you can imagine that money is short and with the oldest only being six, life is chaotic and it seems like we sometimes only see each other in passing. But we make it a point to go to the theatre or the opera at least once a month and just spend the evening together. Can't afford that? Go for a walk, read to each other, go for coffee - there are so many things you can do to keep the spark alive. Thanks for a great article, Illiana!
Anonymous, October 15, 2012 4:00 PM
I hear what you are saying Neal. But, it still would be nice (and more helpful) to read a story which includes some tangible and realistic (and low cost) steps to reinvigorating the spark that is not completely out of the realm of possibility for most couples as the example in this story is. I think it's frustrating to read this story and feel that this incredible experience might work to save your own marriage as well but that you lack the means to make it (or even a three week trip) an option.
Rivka Deutsch, October 16, 2012 8:55 AM
I thought the same thing when I read it.
Many couples, especially if they are raising a large family, do not have the option to quit their job. Her story is unique to her; it doesn't offer practical advice for the rest of us.
(12) Neal, October 15, 2012 3:00 AM
There's another form of glue
Sadly, some people do find that the intensity of their work and interests, and the degree to which they focus their lives around their children, leaves them little interested in each other when the nest not only is empty but the children are out of college and living their own lives. But there also is a strong glue holding couples together: shared history. Not only have they had decades of each other's company -- which can, indeed, exhaust excitement -- but those decades have been ones of working toward common goals. That means shared experiences that are theirs alone, (Who's going to want to look at photos of you and your former spouse at birthday parties and on trips?) After 35 years, my wife and I might find excitement in new romantic interests, but our decades together have given us personal histories that include each other and give us understandings that are ours alone. Each of us has become part of the other. As empty nesters, we've had new experiences that glued us even more tightly together -- which is what the couple in the piece above did, but on a more limited scale. Even three weeks in Israel -- which wasn't our first visit -- much of it doing volunteer work, gave us a new set of treasured memories that no one else shares or understands. Besides, youthful as we feel, we're in our sixties and don't look so good any more. Who else knew us when we were young, firm and strong? Some people really cannot get along and should split up. But for me, boredom is not a reason. I'd rather we go out and find something to do. Together.
(11) Helmut, October 15, 2012 12:51 AM
How??
how did you finance and how did you cope after settled again?
(10) Anonymous, October 15, 2012 12:06 AM
one on one with your spouse
my children are all married and do not live near us. my husband and I are dating again-finding our what we like, traveling, talking like we did 40 years ago. BH money is not a problem, although we do have to keep watch not to use up our savings too quickly. However, we need less materially and want more emotionally!
(9) Mike, October 14, 2012 5:59 PM
way too unrealistic
it's a nice story, but this couple obviously had the material resources (they later describe as least important) to be able to take this journey. It would have been much more realistic for the vast majority of use who are forced to work each day (both spouses) to provide for life's daily needs to hear of a couple that were able to recharge their marriage while not having to forfeit their opportunity to save and prepare for life after 'work'.
dinah, October 15, 2012 3:07 PM
true... however
you comment is true... most of us wish we could just 'stop the world and get off' be can't realistically. however I enjoyed hearing about people, who have money, putting it to good use and having a great time reconnecting with each other and with hashem
Fred Campbell, October 15, 2012 3:51 PM
Unrealistic?
Material resources, while relevant, are not controlling. Lliana is expressing a concept that can be exploited by all couples. Best described as "breaking the mold", it is the idea that new relational paradigms can often rebuild a marriage and inspire personal development and mutual satisfaction. Thank you Lliana for inspiring us to reexamine ourselves and explore the possibility of new, and exciting, goals and activities.
(8) Anonymous, October 14, 2012 2:41 PM
Inspiring! How wonderful that Eli and Iliana were able to share a year of tansformative growth. It does not detract from the experience or the intention of the article to state the obvious: An itinerary and experience like these are not average. The message is still clear. A couple must think out of the box and invest creative energy in their relationship. The options will be different for each couple according to their mission and the Divine plan. It is naive to think that the magic of an amazing year of adventure and spiritual immersion could heal the connection between two listless and self centered individuals. This husband and wife were obviously poised for growth. The plan shows it, the addition of a Torah perspective sealed it but the fantastic journey away from familiar boundaries probably did not hurt. Perhaps Aish can post additional narratives of renewal rhat take place closer to home and on a smaller budget. This will help the readers who see the framework of the story and say " OK, that was great for them but what about us? "
(7) Aliza, October 14, 2012 1:12 AM
awesome
love the idea, i think everyone has to think about why we live and why we work so much. why do we make money? If it is to give us a better life than we should also put some time in to focus on life, and who we want to enjoy it with. Focusing on your marriage saved your marriage and I hope many couples will focus on enriching that which matters most. thank you
(6) Ryan, October 12, 2012 6:01 AM
Great article! Very well written, it really addresses the issue of relationships that might have lost some of their fire, and how to grow as a couple.
(5) abbey lewis, October 11, 2012 1:57 AM
Thanks so much for such a beautiful and insightful article! Wishing you and you family all the best...and a shout out to alexi :)
(4) Nahum Dam, October 10, 2012 2:00 PM
Wait a second..
As I started reading it, I was like, "wait a second, I know this story!". I remember the day I met Eli at Aish Essentials, hearing about how he just left his job to travel the world with his wife. How fresh, romantic, brave and.. un-american, I thought. Then I had the pleasure to meet you both a bit more, until I left Israel. And now, with this beautiful article, I can see the whole picture. What a beautiful story. Wherever you are, may Hashem bless you!
(3) EY Yid, October 10, 2012 1:41 PM
Torah is the glue
What are true soulmates? Two people with a shared spiritual path, who are dedicated to growing individually and together along that path. Couples need to make their marriage a Torah partnership from the beginning and there will be no "grey" areas because their lives and relationship are renewing always.
(2) Lisa, October 10, 2012 10:11 AM
very fairytale-like
Nice you could take 365 days off for another "honeymoon".........& glad it connected you 2 to Torah......albeit it is very unrealistic for the average couple.
Miriam, October 10, 2012 2:07 PM
Yes, very few couples could afford this but...
there are Aish programs in myriad communities all over the world. Why not attend a program with your husband? You could have the same positive results right in your home town!
Lisa, October 10, 2012 3:29 PM
I wasn't asking for a program....
I was just commenting on their very lucky & long time frame of a whole year... !!!!
Miriam, October 14, 2012 12:19 PM
I hear you
but I think there are plenty of well off couples who take off a year together and end up the same place in their marriage at the end of the year as at the beginning! Perhaps it wasn't the time off together that did it for them as much as the shared growth and goals which they got from their Jewish learning.
R. K., October 12, 2012 5:52 PM
Not necessarily unrealistic
Yes, most people don't have the savings account to fund such a trip. However, a lot of what this couple did could be applied to other empty-nesters. 1) Travel. If you can't afford flights or hotels, take daytrips to nearby museums, farms, historical monuments, and the like. Pack lots of picnics if you can't afford restaurants. 2) Religious study. Take a Torah class together, or learn a Jewish book together (TANaCh, Pirkei Avos, or something in English). 3) Eat together regularly. Meet for lunch daily, if work schedules permit. Eat dinner together every night, maybe preparing the meal together one or two nights a week. 4) Depend on each other for companionship. When a couple travels, they are surrounded predominantly by people they don't know well (at least not yet), so they often depend on each other for more. Make sure you share what's going on with your life with your spouse. If you want to do things, do them together instead of with other friends.
Alexander, October 14, 2012 2:58 PM
I seond Lisa's comment
(1) Schmid, October 9, 2012 7:56 PM
A good decision
Thanks for sharing this good decision and all de details accompanying it. It gave me some hope for fostering own decisions. Very grateful!