The Good/Bad Lies in Marriage

Is it ever okay to lie to your spouse?

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Comments (6)

(4) DKSurfer, July 1, 2016 6:55 AM

Now Who's Lying?

When people cannot face the truth, they have a problem. And those trying to hide the truth from them are enabling the problem. When people ask for an "opinion" and I tell them what they want to hear - or what I think they want to hear - I am setting up a falsehood encouraging them to keep on avoiding the truth, as well as hurting myself before the God of Truth. My lie helps them avoid seeing themselves as they really are; and my lying reveals who I really am - a liar!

We lie primarily to protect ourselves. We fear what the other person will say or think of us, so we lie to avoid their disdain or anger. We are afraid of the other person and the truth about them. We are aiding and abetting their wrongdoing. This makes us people who have difficulty facing the truth. We've come full circle and are now as bad as they are! Lying needs to be defined as deliberate deception (thus not an error) aimed at permanently misleading someone else and promoting evil in any form.

An interesting extension comes out of this: If we tell Nazis where to find their victims, we are promoting evil and hurting others. Rahab knew better, and she protected Israelite spies in Jericho from the king of that city. What she did would not be a lie under this definition. Further to this definition, surprise parties and tricks played to have them allow us to enter into the joy of temporarily misleading someone. Good is being done, and the hilarious goal of the truth coming out motivates us. This is in sharp contrast to arrogant pride being fed on falsehoods, or us feeding someone’s insecurity out of misplaced sympathy. Arrogance and insecurity, with every kind of evil, require the truth at some point. Thank God he does not give up on us! May we love God with all we are. Through this, may we love ourselves enough always to speak the truth in love, loving our neighbours as we love ourselves. May God’s truth be ours in every situation, guiding us always.

(3) venze, July 1, 2016 12:50 AM

When is lie a lie?

Lie could never be properly defined. To some, a statement may be a lie, to others it could just be a casual remark or opinion. There are no good or bad lie, only harmful or harmless lies.
The world has been saturated with all kinds of lies, practically everyone lies. When is lie a lie?

(2) Nancy, June 30, 2016 2:00 PM

A situation where it IS okay to lie

If one has a relative with dementia/Alzheimer's, then therapeutic lying is okay. The person with Alzheimer's might ask repeatedly where his wife is, when in reality the wife died 10 years ago. In such a case, telling the truth would cause the person horrible pain all over again. It is better to redirect/ distract the person. You can say his wife is coming "soon" then change the subject. I speak from personal experience, as my father a"h suffered from Alzheimer's. He would often ask for his mother. If we had told him "the truth," he would not have been able to handle it.

(1) Linda, June 29, 2016 4:51 PM

It is NEVER ok to lie.

I was a bit shocked by the comment that it is ok to lie to a spouse regarding an opinion of how the spouse looks. First of all, if my husband does not like the way I look in something, please tell me because I want him to think I look good and I also want to look good in public. Secondly, If he lies to me, that deteriorates our relationship and our trust and if I can't trust him, who than can I trust? Thirdly, my husband should be my closest confident who should be able to tell me anything. At least that is what I want from my marraige. Sure, sometimes it is tough but when he does compliment me on anything from my looks to how I deal with the kids to regarding how he feels about my accomplishments at work, I know he is sincere. It is never ok to lie about anything.

MAF, June 30, 2016 2:06 PM


I think that "white lies" are OK, it depends on the nature of your spouse. Basically, you have to pick your battles / issues. sometimes it is better to lie than to hurt your spouse. But these are usually minor issues--never lie about the truly important stuff.

Scott, July 10, 2016 5:59 AM

Love languages.

My mom, hashem love her, has a big tukus. Has for a long time. I used to laugh (to myself) when she's ask my dad if her tukus looked big in a particular outfit. He'd always say no of course. Which I thought was a lie.

Now I understand.

Mom's tukus wasn't big for mom. Mom was his wife and he liked her tukus cause it was connected to her. So it never looked too big.

And mom...well she knows she got a big tukus. She just wanted to hear him say she didn't. It's nice to know that one person in the world says your tukus looks good even when you know its a bit big.

These things arent lies....they're part of a bizarre love language that most people use. And it works.

Now my wife...she doesn't have a big tukus. Just ask me and I'll tell you. Her tukus is just perfect in every outfit.

I think I just broke the world record for using the word tukus.

But the point is that, especially in Israel, the world is full of people that tell you the "harsh truth.". Because they don't know you. A good example us a woman who made a comment critical of another who held her daughter upside down in a photo.

But if you saw me dangling my daughter upside by her legs you'd miss the truth unless you could her her laughing and screaming "od pam Abba! Od pam Abba!"

Sometimes truth is relative to a whole situation. Your spouse should know the whole situation and be best qualified to judge the truth.


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