Is there one thing a married person can do to prevent most of the ills of marriage? Is there a single practice that will eliminate the fever/chill cycles that plague most marriages?
Indeed, there is. However, “one shot” is not enough. Even two or three injections won't suffice. This is a practice that must be undertaken daily, perhaps several times a day. But its effectiveness has been proven, and the results are impressive beyond expectation.
What is this practice? Stop criticizing!
Criticism destroys more marriages than infidelity. It whittles away at the bond between husband and wife, feeds the negativity of the criticizer, and undermines the self-esteem of the criticized.
Studies have shown that the human brain is hard-wired to negativity. Psychologists call this, “the negativity bias,” the congenital tendency to notice and remember the negative more than the positive. It’s why a wife will remember the times her husband forgot her birthday more than the times he actually gave her a card or gift. It’s why a husband will focus on his wife’s one extravagant expenditure in a credit card bill filled with her necessary, no-fun purchases of food and supplies for the family.
After just two weeks of their refraining from criticism their marriage improved dramatically.
Noticing the negative is our default starting point, but personal and spiritual growth requires that we move toward focusing instead on the positive, towards what’s good in every situation and person. The half-empty glass always leaves the one who drinks it thirsty, dissatisfied, and unhappy.
Participants of my spiritually-based marriage program for women that I've been teaching for over a decade report to me that their marriage improved dramatically after just two weeks of their refraining from criticism. (Of course, there are some marital problems that do not respond to this vaccine; that’s why it’s only 84.6% effective.)
Spouses criticize because they see their husband or wife doing something wrong, and they want to stop the egregious behavior. Never are intelligent people more prone to folly than when they criticize in an effort to improve their spouse, because no one ever improves from criticism. Husbands still leave their socks on the floor after decades of nagging. Wives still spend too much time talking on the phone despite their husbands’ repeatedly pointing out what they should be doing instead.
Repeated criticism proves the adage, “Insanity is doing something over again and thinking you’ll have a different result.” In my marriage webinar, wives complain, “For thirty years I’ve been telling my diabetic husband what he shouldn’t eat.” For thirty years you’ve been telling him? And you expect a different result this time? Insanity!
Worse than Futile
Criticism is worse than merely being ineffective to change your partner. Criticism creates a toxic atmosphere in the home. No one likes to be criticized. Criticism estranges the criticized party, who is likely to retreat emotionally or even physically, finding manifold excuses not to come home. Criticism also harms the criticizer, who gets caught in a vicious cycle of focusing on the negative, of finding endless reasons to be unhappy and angry. Criticism erodes the marriage bond as surely as acid dripping on a rope weakens its fibers.
Criticism never helps and always hurts.
One of Judaism’s most sublime concepts is that the Shechina, the presence of God, rests on the Jewish home when Shalom Bayit [marital harmony] prevails. Marital friction drives the Shechina away. Criticism is a violation of the Torah’s prohibition of onaas devorim, speaking words that hurt another person. You may rationalize that you are criticizing your spouse in order to help him/her, yet criticism has never caused anyone to improve any more than a blowtorch has ever caused a rosebush to bloom.
How to Stop Criticizing
So how do you stop criticizing? Simply stop criticizing. Go on a “criticism fast.” Every time you are about to criticize your spouse, stop and say to yourself, “Criticism never helps and always hurts.”
The Mussar masters advise using a chart to change ingrained behavior patterns. Make yourself a chart with a box for each day. Every time you are tempted to criticize your spouse and you stop yourself, give yourself a check on the chart. When you get 10 checks, buy yourself a small reward that you'll enjoy. When you get 25 checks, buy yourself a big reward. A full-body massage will keep you on your criticism fast for at least a couple of weeks.
When you fail and blurt out a criticism, don't give yourself an “X.” Just pick yourself up and keep on going. As a wise person said: “A successful life is when you get up one more time than you fall.”
Here is a true (pre-Covid-19) story from one of the members of my Kesher Wife Webinar:
I am married for two years, and my husband and I are very careful not to go out at night without each other too often. This past Saturday night, one of my husband's best friends decided to plan a night out to Atlantic City with all the "guys" to celebrate his bachelor party. I was so upset when I heard about this. I said to myself that Atlantic City, the mecca of gambling, drinking, risqué shows, and single women on the prowl, is not a place for a married man without his wife. What made me more upset was that my husband was going to be out all night and come home in the morning. The following day was our anniversary, and I knew he’d be too exhausted to celebrate it properly. I was furious.
My husband was SO excited. I felt utterly disrespected that my husband thought that it is appropriate to be out all night and especially in Atlantic City. When Saturday night came, I was very grumpy but I did not criticize him because I am observing a criticism fast for one month.
When I woke up on Sunday morning around 6:30 AM, my husband still wasn't home. I began to cry. I was so emotionally overwhelmed. My husband came home half an hour later. I wasn't ready to greet him pleasantly without criticism, so I pretended to be asleep. He fell asleep until 11 AM. When he woke up, I was puttering in the kitchen. I resolved to hold tight to my criticism fast, because I knew this argument could get very ugly and ruin our anniversary.
When my husband came into the kitchen, I resolved not to let any criticisms escape my mouth. I smiled at him and asked him if he had fun. I listened to the entire story of his night before I expressed to him how I felt, in the nicest way possible, without criticizing him. I said, "I missed you last night. I felt very lonely sleeping in this big bed by myself, and I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of one of us being out all night." He right away apologized, and told me how he perfectly understood and would be more considerate next time.
After that, we spent the entire day together. We went for a walk in the park and then drove into the city for a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. It was actually the best day we have ever had together since we got married! I felt so close to my husband, and I felt so proud of myself.
On the way home, my husband thanked me for "letting" him enjoy his night with his friends, saying that he had a lot of fun but had been looking forward to coming home all night, just to be with me. I know how miserable our anniversary would have been had I criticized my husband. The rewards of refraining from criticism are priceless.
PS: Did I mention that my husband gambled and won money and insisted that I spend it on getting new clothes for myself? YES, the rewards are that good. :)
Covid-19 restrictions mean that many couples are spending more time than ever confined at home together. Whether that turns out to be a blessing or a curse depends on whether or not you choose to focus on the negative and voice it. In this particular test, being “positive” is the best outcome.
(38) Susan Mellan, December 27, 2020 2:59 PM
Loved it.
I am a therapist practicing in NYC. I totally agree with the perspective of the article. Cudos to the author.
(37) Rhoda Reiss, December 27, 2020 2:18 AM
Criticism encourage a defensive response.
When you are criticized you automatically become defensive. Being defensive is very unproductive to the relationship. You change the subject and hide.
Open communication is the best way to have a good relationship with your spouse. Speaking positively is the best way to be heard.
(36) Anonymous, December 26, 2020 9:32 PM
Gold
As always, Sara Rigler gives golden advice.
(35) Anonymous, December 25, 2020 12:14 PM
Never criticize!
I have been a Kesher wife for a few years. The first webinar I listened to was about the 3 “cins”. Criticizing, controlling, and correcting. After I listened, I thought, “I don’t do that, but, I’ll try the charting anyway “. I was shocked when I started listening to myself. I tried to pay attention to my speech and stop criticizing. What a difference! My husband and children were much less defensive and much more open to what I had to say (limiting the other two “cins” has the same effect)! Regarding the criticism of charting, do you clock in at work? Sara Yocheved is right, try it yourself instead of criticizing, you’ll see!
(34) Judi Kirk, December 23, 2020 6:48 PM
Brilliant advice.
People often don’t hear themselves to even know that they are criticizing. Holding one’s tongue till you can say something nice is always good advice. That’s how to be happy after 50 years!
(33) ellen jaffe, December 23, 2020 5:30 PM
Kudos and Yasher Koach to Sarah Rigler for her excellent article on marriage..
"Criticism fast" is exactly the way to have a good marriage.
Believe me.
I know.
Ive had a happy marriage for 54 years( and b"errata Hashem still counting) and this is THE secret to success. I can't imagine anyone criticising this perfect recipe for a successful marriage.
(32) Anonymous, December 23, 2020 5:29 PM
The reactions are heartbreaking
It's heartbreaking to read so many strong reactions of people being appalled that someone would minimize criticizing their spouse. The author clearly states it is important to express your feelings, which the woman did in the article. She did this with love versus blame or harsh language. I so appreciate the people in my life who work hard at accepting me without criticism and am very open to hearing how they feel about something I do or say that causes them pain. It's a world of difference. It's astonishing how many people took her words and twisted them. It's actually depressing.
(31) Uriela, December 23, 2020 9:14 AM
The difference between criticizing and communicating
There is a world of difference between criticizing and communicating. A virtual Grand Canyon. And it seems to me that many of the commentators have confused the two. In the particular example given in the story, the wife understood that she could not communicate without criticizing, and – since she had committed herself to try the “marriage vaccine” of not criticizing for a set period of time – she refrained from doing either until she was in a frame of mind to be able to communicate effectively, without rancor. What she found was that it worked beyond her greatest expectations and led to the best day of her married life. What is wrong with that? Don’t knock it until you try it too.
Harry S Pearle, December 23, 2020 2:01 PM
Try ART - SMART Criticism? (Think VACCINE 4 Prevention Reaction)
Dear Uriela, I think you are on the right track, but we can learn from VACCINES.
What does a VACCINE do? It mobilizes our DEFENSES, right?
So, we really do need a response to negative influences for health and sanity.
Consider, Rabbi Sinclair's brilliant video on ART and JUDAISM, on Aish.com.
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Perhaps if we try to use some artistic expression, we can better cope with the
CRITICISM that we all need, in life. Artistic expression may be repeated, over
and over, because of its beauty and worth.
Shakespeare put it this way:
"Take note, take note O world. To be direct and honest is not safe"
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On the other hand, we must have criticism. We must have our VACCINES!
BWELL BSAFE BCALM Harry www.SavingSchools.org
(30) Anonymous, December 22, 2020 11:02 PM
Unhealthy Relationship
Regarding the example: This advice encourages women to be quiet about their feelings and paints some ridiculous image of an idealized reward. Even if it's real, it's not typical, and it doesn't leave room the hurt that could be caused by alternative outcomes. It models a lack of communication and very unhealthy deference to the male for no good reason. It's not about criticizing. It's about a healthy relationship and self respect.
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 7:04 AM
No hiding of feelings here
But the wife in the example didn't hide her feelings. She told her husband exactly what she was feeling. It's just that she left it there, at what she was feeling, without saying anything about what she thought he had done wrong.
(29) Rhonda, December 22, 2020 10:42 PM
It works!
I have found that not criticizing my husband has made our marriage more peaceful and fulfilling. It doesn't mean you can't discuss difficulties in the marriage, but sometimes, waiting (and seeing how something that you feel like criticizing your husband for, plays out) pays.
Many of us are very quick to criticize and this can stifle our partner's very being. If you have a critical partner, s-he may start becoming less critical because they aren't picked on. If your partner is not critical towards you, s-he will appreciate that you're being the same way.
It doesn't mean you are being subservient to your partner; it means you have the strength to let them be themself. If your partner feels listened to and like they have some say in the marriage, in most cases, they'll reciprocate. Try it!
(28) Yocheved Kolchin, December 22, 2020 10:39 PM
Disturbing story conflates criticism with the expression of one's needs
I don't think just stopping criticism is the answer. Bottling up your feelings is not a good answer. Going on a criticism fast will not be effective unless you find a healthy way to express your needs. The woman in this story went through so much emotional pain just because she couldn't find the words to say, "I feel upset and hurt because of your planned trip to Atlantic City. Can we talk about this?" That isn't criticism. That's expressing her needs.
It feels like the moral of this story is, "Stay silent and let your husband do what he wants, and you'll get rewarded with free clothes." Which isn't a very empowering message for women of the 21st century, and I don't believe it's reflective of the values of Tanakh and Jewish history. Frankly, it's pretty shallow.
The Torah says, "rebuke your fellow Jew" and in the very next passuk it says, "don't bear a grudge." The way not to bear a grudge in your heart is by speaking up and communicating, and in a loving relationship with open communication, there should be plenty of room to express your concerns if your spouse is making a decision that you find upsetting.
I'll take the opportunity to speak my mind over new clothes any day.
(27) Anonymous, December 22, 2020 10:38 PM
Best marriage advice ever
This was the best advice I’ve ever received ! No one likes criticism , even “constructive criticism”. When I stopped criticizing my husband , my marriage improved. The side effect is that my husband and children criticize less. It’s a win-win for all members of my family.
(26) Miriam Weed, December 22, 2020 2:17 PM
Don't confuse communication with criticism
The story is not about refraining from criticism but about avoiding open communication about issues relevant to the foundation of a trusting and loving marriage. Recommending that such conversations be avoided is dangerous.
(25) MESA, December 22, 2020 1:16 PM
I agree with the general point of this article. Husbands and wives must express their feelings in healthy, productive ways that build their marriage and don't destroy it.
However, criticism and expressing one's feelings are not the same thing. In that anecdote, the wife could've expressed her feelings right at the beginning and I think if she had done so in a healthy way, that would've been even more instructive and productive.
(24) DEBY M., December 22, 2020 5:06 AM
Good until the story part
the article was good until the part of the story. this example was disappointing. A woman unable to express discomfort to her husband who is going to spend the night gambling. Focusing only on not commenting on anything. It is sad to see the focus but it is sadder to see the "tips" that she received.
(23) Anonymous, December 21, 2020 11:17 PM
Seeing the 'mote' in your spouse/neighbour's eye while ignoring the 'plank' in your own
As a Christian I found your article very true and enlightening in every way.
The loving relationship between husband and wife should be open to a discussion when feelings have been hurt, even without intention. So often it is a sullen silence which is more serious and longer lasting than a frank (without anger) question and answer session. There can then be 'explanations' and 'hopefully' sincere intentions to avoid hurtful situations in future.....whenever possible.
(22) Rachel Benjamin, December 21, 2020 10:44 PM
Story is quite concerning
While I agree wholeheartedly with the overall message, the story outlined in the article was incredibly concerning. Expressing your needs and expectations in a marriage is critical, for both husband and wife. The woman in the article felt hurt, disrespected and overlooked as well as concerned for her husbands spiritual well being, given his choice of night out. Are women expected to shove everything aside in the name of peace? What exactly is the message to be learned from the story? There is a time and place to make your voice heard. What if her husband had actually LOST a considerable amount of money? What if she wasn’t treated to a petty gift for her silence? What if the wife was the one who was out in Atlantic City gambling and partying with her friends... to the neglect of her husband and family? Would we be encouraging the husbands to casually and timidly wait for the perfect moment to share their thoughts as well? Women have voices. Sometimes they come across critically and that’s perfectly okay. Rather let’s focus on building the foundations of a strong marriage so that when there are difficult words to share, they are well received in the name of love and respect towards one another.
(21) Anonymous, December 20, 2020 3:51 PM
"Never Criticise Condemn or Complain" is one of the rules in the famous book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
(20) Joy Margulies, December 19, 2020 7:30 PM
Really excellent article
I’ve been married for 46 years to a wonderful man who adores me, but he comes from a critical family and can’t give up criticism of me. It’s very hurtful coming from the person who loves you so much.
Harry S Pearle, December 20, 2020 8:00 PM
Some Criticism is GOOD, for improvement and for BOREDOM?
Dear Joy, Thanks for sharing on criticism.
Of course we need criticism to improve. We may become BLINDED to our own
faults and mistakes, without criticism
I think criticism is also helpful to cope with BOREDOM.
(There is a company called the BORING Company. Really. check out)
BWELL Harry www.SavingSchools.org
(19) H R TURACLI, December 18, 2020 11:20 PM
Very good knowledge about life which we can use not for marriage life! Every part of our life should be positive feedbacks not criticism thank you very much
(18) Harry S Pearle, December 18, 2020 5:02 PM
How about criticizing: MORE or LESS? (Ask for more or less of something?)
Wonderful idea, but criticism is needed, all the time.
What about criticizing, or requesting, more or less on an action.
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(In Bereishis, we have the word MEOD, more, and perhaps asking for more of something, or less of something can help us to cope with EVIL)
For example, if a person yells a lot, we might ask the person to try to lower the volume, or try to say less.
(We might not have such a serious VIRUS CRISIS, if more people used masks and distancing, MORE often)
And perhaps we can also criticize OURSELVES, in a relative way.
=================================================
Wonderful lesson for us all, not just with marriages, but with all relationships!
(17) Karin, December 18, 2020 12:42 PM
Vowed never to criticize
My husband’s friary wife was a nagger. Everyday she would bring up an Indiscretion he had had years ago. She never let it go. When en we married I vowed to try to never criticize him for anything he did that I thought was either wrong or for when he focused more of his time with his children than me. We’ve been married now for 37 years. We’ve had a wonderful, but not totally trouble free, marriage. I’m not saying there weren’t things to complain or criticize about him, far from it. I just vowed to never be like his first wife because he talked a lot about how she never let him off the hook for that one indiscretion.
(16) nouri, December 18, 2020 9:35 AM
wise wife and intellegent
wonderful story and intellegent wife she saved her couple maried and preserved her husband for her congratulation dear madam and god preserved your family
(15) David Karram, December 18, 2020 4:20 AM
Excellent, with great humour - a key element for healthy relationships!
This is a great article with excellent advice and insight. Of course, you cannot write it without criticizing those who criticize, showing some criticism is necessary!
More seriously, one of the very real dangers of stopping our spousal criticism is our tendency to only stop for a while, then going back to it. Stopping is not enough. A very wise mental, emotional and spiritual discipline goes beyond merely stopping and replaces our problematic and destructive behaviour with affirmation and appreciative compliments.
This means replacing criticism with approval, a discipline of great value! We need to recognize strengths and good qualities in the other person. Praising them can take the form of being thankful to them for their thoughtful kindness. This means we let them know how special we see them as being. This will not only help to stop criticism: it will build the relationship and strengthen appreciation for each other.
And who knows: they may even start complimenting us!
(14) Mary, December 18, 2020 2:36 AM
Wisdom for all relationships
I thank you so much for this article.
A few years ago I was severely hurt by close friends I've known over 20 years when I shared with them my interest in exploring Judaism. Instead of them asking questions, which is what I expected, I was told I'm a child of the devil. I was horrified, shocked and terribly hurt by that and other horrible things they said to me.
It was the prompting of a Rabbi who pointed out to me that I should take a DNA test, because he believed I was possibly Jewish and may need to look deeper into my family history. It was my DNA results and conversations with extended family members that helped me understand. My point is I have struggled with being critical and feeling hurt, with trying to learn to trust again.
It's not like me to be like this and I've been pretty miserable during this pandemic, but this advice gives me hope.
I am going to explore my Jewish roots in Judaism. I'm going to embrace healthy relationships as soon as it's safe to do so. I'm going to put my critical thoughts and words in check and reap the rewards of solid relationships built on mutual respect. This really hit home for me and I've never been married.
Once again, I thank you.
(13) Joanne Cohen, December 17, 2020 8:32 PM
Beautifully written and expressed. Thanks
(12) Malcolm Brown, December 17, 2020 8:13 PM
Good idea
Good idea. I’ll give it a try. Of course it won’t work on my wife: so many things wrong?
(11) Rachel, December 17, 2020 5:33 PM
Show maturity
I am not talking about allowing a spouse or children to do dangerous or abusive things: I would not want my husband to be out for social reasons all the time, but an occasional overnight with the guys or something similar should be ok with both spouses (that means wives should have similar occasional opportunities.) Over the years, I have realized that there’s no point sweating the small stuff. My husband will never be good at gifts and parties— he was not raised that way. I decided that I could sit around in a snit, or I could have what I wanted. So I have planned my own birthday parties and bought something special for myself. Likewise, when he has wanted to engage in activities related to his interests (computers, aviation) I give him my full support. I do wish that the examples hadn’t stuck to outdated complaints (husbands leaving socks on the floor, wives overspending.) I am retired now, but there were plenty of times when I needed his help with homemaking (especially during a stint when he was unemployed) and my job required me to own some professional clothing. We are a team and it’s about what we need to do for our family, not just our individual selves.
(10) Anonymous, December 17, 2020 4:48 PM
Love this
Will try it
(9) Nancy, December 17, 2020 3:34 PM
Pick your battles
My family members have a tendency to leave empty wrappers on the kitchen counter. It takes way less time to toss said wrappers in the trash, then it would to criticize them. On the other hand, my son was washing a pot and left some food residue inside. I thanked him for his hard work, but said he needed to get rid of the food residue so nobody would get sick if they cooked in that pot. I believe I was criticizing my son, but certainly not in a negative way.
(8) David A Goldstein, PhD, PsyD, FIPA, December 17, 2020 3:25 PM
Being a Psychoanalyst and being in private practice as a clinician for almost 40 years, I found this article well written and expressing a very true experience. When a child is regularly criticized and berated their positive sense of self erodes. The same thing happens in a marriage. It is destructive. As pointed out in the article, it is against G-d s wishes, which is to create and to be kind. Further, loving ones spouse is also about loving G-d and oneself as well.
(7) Elliott Katz, December 17, 2020 2:48 PM
Say what the other person needs to hear -- not what you want to say
Say what the other person needs to hear -- not what you want to say. Instead of criticizing the other person, ask yourself: What does the person need to hear to get them to do what I want them to do and feel good about doing it? For example, you may want to tell a person who won't get a job that they're lazy. That may be what you want to say but what does the person need to hear? Maybe the person lacks self-confidence and needs encouragement. Maybe they need' to be reminded how they were successful and made a positive difference in other jobs.
Don't just blurt criticism to get your feelings off your chest. Control what you say by pausing and thinking about what the other person needs to hear. If you want to learn more, check out my Aish article "5 Things a man needs to do in a successful relationship" and my book, "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man." Being strong is about controlling what you say and not saying things that can hurt the other person and damage your relationship.
(6) David, December 17, 2020 2:09 PM
This article hit home - well written and do important
This article was very accurate- I sent to my wife to read! Very important in all relationships Thank you and Happy Chanukah!
(5) Anonymous, December 17, 2020 1:35 PM
THANK YOU
So much!
(4) Anonymous, December 17, 2020 1:22 PM
Surely this condones bad behaviour?
I understand this approach, but surely if you just accept unacceptable and even unreasonable behaviour and pretend you are ok with it, it can escalate and drive you apart even more?
(3) Anonymous, December 16, 2020 8:28 PM
I 100% agree with the premise this article, but I am a little confused with the example given of the woman who held herself back from criticizing her husband for going out all night to Atlantic City. Wouldn't it have been better had she been open about her feelings before he went and had an open discussion about it with her husband? A frank discussion sharing her feelings would not be considered criticism, would it? Isn't communication in a marriage also incredibly important? Couldn't that have saved the wife a night full of discomfort and resentment?
(2) Anonymous, December 15, 2020 4:10 AM
Excellent article
After reading your article I noticed that’s how my parents marriage has been based on soooo many sad years. That’s all they do to each other and each other and good portion of the critize are very hurtful. I never married but now they are older I try to make things positive. Sadly, they are use to it and they can’t live without hurting each other. But for my sake I will follow your advise
(1) imelda Pearce, December 14, 2020 10:43 PM
the merits of refraining from criticism
Sara Yochevet Rigler, writing with her usual warmth and clarity, spells out why it is like a vaccine for a good marriage to avoid criticizing your mate. she says, "The Shechina rests on the Jewish home when Shalom Bayis prevails."