More and more couples are splitting up as they grow older. In fact, a quarter of all divorces now involve those over 50. Reflecting this trend, the New York Times began a new feature on their Sunday Vows page called ‘Unhitched-Lessons Learned When It’s All Over’. Divorced couples are asked to look back at their life together, reflect on its unraveling, and try to understand why their marriage could not be saved.
The trend is puzzling. Many people spend years looking forward to this season of life. They imagine the peace and quiet, lovely dinners in restaurants without tantrums, and trips and vacations to far off places they’ve only dreamed of for years. No more frenzied carpools, no more orthodontist appointments, PTA’s and nights spent chasing the kids to do homework and take baths are but a distant memory. Sounds awesome, so what went wrong?
Our sages advise: "Who is wise? The one who is able to foresee the future” (Talmud Tamid 32a). You can strengthen your marriages now by contemplating about the life that awaits you down the road. Prepare and invest in your tomorrow as you live today.
Lonely in the Empty Test
Couples who have spent years parenting and working hard on their careers through their 20’s and 30’s surprisingly discover that they are not the same people they were when they began their journey together. Over the newly quiet dinner table they find awkwardness. Husband and wife realize that the person sitting across from them seems unfamiliar. Through all the chaos of the ‘wonder years’ we sometimes evolve into different people. We wake up one morning, the kids are gone, and we don’t recognize the intimate stranger with whom we share our life.
Researchers tracking divorce rates wrote about this in a paper called The Grey Divorce. They report that in 1990, fewer than 1 in 10 individuals who divorced were 50 or older. Almost 20 years later, the number jumped to 1 in 4. In 2009, more than 600,000 people ages 50 and over got divorced. If we pay attention to the warning signals, we can try to ensure that we do not become part of these statistics.
Warning Bells
There are signs that we ignore as we go on living ‘the same old same old’. Usually, it is not one devastating emotional earthquake that suddenly rocks a marriage. Instead, there are small cracks along the fault line that ultimately push a husband and wife away from each other. The craters formed become too big a divide. The marriage is now beyond repair. What are some warning bells?
Missed Cues
A husband or wife tries to reach out and signals a desire to spend more time together. He wants to go out more often. She says she’s too tired and besides, she can’t leave the kids at night. She asks to talk together more and tries to communicate her fears or frustrations. He says ‘it’s all good, stop worrying so much’ and does not give her the feeling that he is listening. These are missed cues that keep repeating themselves until a person just grows too weary and stops trying.
Withdrawal
When asked to extend oneself physically or emotionally, some individuals withdraw instead. Both men and women find it easy to discover different avenues where they seek a safe haven. Here are some to watch out for: long nights on work projects, after office get-togethers, being consumed with a hobby or leisure activity, child rearing responsibilities, caring for aging parents, too many hours in the gym, community events or intense social friendships. Of course we all need outlets and personal space. But once we use these outlets as means of retreat from a spouse, the danger to future stability becomes obvious.
Loss of romance
With all the stress of daily living, it becomes easy to put off intimacy and romance. Long discussions about paying bills, school issues, and difficulties with the children overtake our conversations. Sentimental walks and sweet talk between husband and wife seem to be part of a past life. Faced with new couple time after years of living all about the kids, this time together can feel strange. It becomes easy for husband and wife to lead separate lives each on their own laptop or iPhone. The empty nest is filled with silence; there is barely what to say to one another. Passion must be rediscovered.
3 Solutions to Protect Your Marriage
I read about one couple whose kids had moved on and now they were on the verge of divorce. They each felt in the other’s way. Their solution was to stay married but live in two separate homes and schedule weekly time together. After putting decades into a marriage, there must be better ways to spend our remaining years together.
Here are three solutions to incorporate into our lives right now:
1. Constantly get to know your partner
Ask questions about his world, evolving likes and dislikes, nourish her hopes and dreams. Don’t assume that your spouse is not changing or growing. Talk about where you see yourselves down the road. Share your visions for the future. Take the time to listen to each other’s desires and fears.
2. Create time for romance
Be sure not to neglect your intimate life, both emotional and physical. Of course we are all aware of the importance of date night. But how many of us really make it happen? And once we do, how do we make the night come alive?
Is the time spent together having conversations about the kids or rehashing old disagreements? Besides enjoying a couple’s dinner together, nurture your inner selves. Break out of the old routine. Visit a different part of town, take a class together, try a novel cuisine. Don’t live passively. Find ways to explore new roads and ignite a zeal for living. And while you do, don’t forget to speak lovingly and give each other words of gratitude each day. I have found that showing sensitivity and saying ‘I love you’ is the crazy glue that keeps us together.
3. Include your spouse in your life
When you find an activity that inspires you, share your enthusiasm with your partner. Talk about your interests. Explain why this is important to you. Find a way to include your spouse. If you’ve taken up running or tennis, or if art has now captured your attention, ask yourself how you can help your partner feel involved. I have met many couples who have grown closer after one invited the other to attend a Torah class that had sparked a spiritual awakening. The point is to share your passion.
When we care for the garden of young love, the fruits of our efforts will bring us joy and contentment long after our youngest child bids us farewell and we are able to share our lives together with blessing.
(21) Anonymous, January 14, 2019 3:19 AM
No one mentions if psychology issues pop up..
Want to live w a man who is passive/ aggressive ? I don’t!! Want to live w a man who gets angry at seconds notice? I don’t. So it’s not just going on a date night & being romantic. There are definitely other issues that are very toxic.
(20) Anonymous, November 4, 2018 11:55 AM
why gray divorce....
BS'D
As long as children were young I held on despite suffering spiritually emotionally & physically. She was warned by a psychologist friend of hers (diagnosis was Narcissistic Personality Disorder), & by 3 rabbis that she is destroying her husband & her marriage. All to no avail. When the youngest was midteens sick & tired of her quirks, by her campaigns of parental alienation against me & scared of the older brothers' violence & the periodic house searches by police & asked to be with me & not her - I gave her an ultimatum get help/treatment or it's over. She "agreed" but behind my back started a more virulent campaign of trouble-making. Which among other things resulted in our losing the home I had been working hard ALONE to pay the mortgage on for 15 years!
A marriage like that you think can be or is worth keeping?
Now 20 months later I am recovering my 'self' regaining the good calm nature I had had before falling into that NPD's spider web.
(19) Patricia, November 21, 2017 11:27 AM
mid life crisis
How about a 25 yr happy marriage and a midlife crisis? Men are selfish. He decided to do what he wanted, and just about managed to ruin us financially in 4 years. I can't forgive the lying the withholding and the fact that now I/we will never be mortgage free. Where does the selfishness come in? He seems to expect that I should just work 2 jobs, at 48, to help dig us out of this hole!
(18) HarryS, May 30, 2016 6:52 PM
Stay interested in one another.
Women, get off the internet. Facebook is not essential to life. Women, don't cut your husband off. You know what that means; don't pretend you don't. Men, don't stop or slack off approaching your wife.
(17) Anonymous, January 2, 2016 2:49 AM
You forget the couple where one decides they don't want to spend time with the other because of hobbies or even socially.
But yet they stay married to receive the perks of being cared for but only feign interest in their partner. They only stay to be adored by family b but their entire social life is with outsiders.
(16) Anonymous, September 8, 2015 3:06 AM
after 57 years, bored stiff, turned off
45 yr old dtr. returned to home just as we were beginning to find who we were. she brought along her mental problems; we got involved; how could we not. husband's heath wrecked havoc on his psyche (ours) who are we as a couple now? we don't go many places due to his physical pain. love him and feel badly. i'm lost in both of their pain -- depressing and cant seem to pull myself up long enough to get strength -- wishing i could move and leave them in peace living together...
(15) Burtb, August 6, 2015 9:29 PM
torah class
I have tried to get my wife to go to a torah class for years. Nothing works.
I now try to find other avenues to engage her. I talk about the dog ( I suspect that the dog is the reason we never adopted a child). I listen patently when she talks about her soap opera (I draw the line at 15 minutes). I ask her how her mother is doing. I ask how her sister is doing.
It is frustrating, but I don't know any way to engage her in any of the things I find interesting.
Anonymous, September 16, 2015 2:28 PM
same here
I fInd life has become difficult. Married, no children, retired. Can not seem to get her interested in anything except TV and a few of her friends who have no interest in me. She will not associate with the few friends that I have which makes things difficult as she doesn't want people just dropping over. Sad really and I can't see things improving. I have spoken to her about my feelings but things don't change. She says that she is happy with the way things are
YehudahLeib, August 7, 2016 11:52 AM
responding to "same here"
so what's stopping you from finding a new friend and moving on? or are you in a prison? it's all in the mind. break free and enjoy life for a change. it takes two to tango - go out and tango.
Joseph, May 26, 2016 4:27 AM
Online
Try playing a stimulating class aloud on the computer. She may hear it and become interested, which can generate conversation. Eventually, she may come to look forward to these weekly in house shiurim. Check out yutorah.org or torahanytime.com for loads of shiurim
Anonymous, August 7, 2016 11:53 AM
responding to Burtb
so what's stopping you from finding a new friend and moving on? or are you in a prison? it's all in the mind. break free and enjoy life for a change. it takes two to tango - go out and tango.
(14) Steven, December 26, 2014 1:29 PM
Excellent
Excellent
(13) Anonymous, September 11, 2013 5:54 PM
Not noble at all......
Thank you for a well written and informative article. I am in my early twenties and my parents marriage was on the rocks from early on. They stayed together for 23 years just for us kids. I grew up in a war zone, no one would believe me if I said how bad things were.... I was so relieved when my parents finally split up, I don't know why they waited for the kids to move out..... So, I think that staying for the kids is a lousy excuse to stay in a lousy marriage. The kids would rather the parents split up, and give everyone some peace and quiet.
(12) Anonymous, August 23, 2013 9:15 PM
on the other hand
I know this doesn't reflect the majority, but there are many couples who wait til this stage to divorce because although they were unhappy together earlier on, they felt it was in their children's best interests to stay together, if they could get along, and not put them through a divorce. Many couples this age have launched their children, and in fact, are now pursuing their happiness. In these cases, I believe it was noble of them to wait.
(11) scott, August 23, 2013 7:29 AM
No taksey-backseys
What you miss was the true cause of divorce for these people.
Resentments.
I see couples treat each other with disrespect every day. Demanding demeaning wives and husbands that use sharp words or more or less emotionally abandon their marriage. Both parties so wrapped up in the unimportant that they lose the most important thing. I can't tell you how many men I've talked to that have told me that the only reason why they stayed married was for the kids. And several of them have exited their marriage only months after the last one left the house. I'm sure it's the same with women, but I've not had that kind of conversation with someone else's wife.
Our daughter is important, but she wasn't around when we got married and she won't be around when she gets married and has kids of her own. She's not the reason for our existence. The business and property is just money. Someday we will sell it. Our parents will die. Our friends have their own lives and may or may not be around in twenty years. Those are the subjects of 95% of our fights. The other 5%...that's probably me being a putz. Can't help that.
The only thing that will linger from these fights about these temporary parts of life is the resentment we have for each other about how we fought and how often. There are no takesy-backseys. The words that come out of your mouth are forever.
When I think about growing old with my wife I think about how my actions right now will affect that time. When the kids are gone and the business is sold am I going to want to spend 24/7 with that woman? And will she want the same?
When I'm really mad or disappointed and of course completely right to be mad (just ask me I'll tell you-really loudly) I ask myself whether or not what I am about to say is the preamble to our divorce decree. And I try control myself and say it nicely. Because our future depends on it.
Bjan, November 18, 2013 2:36 PM
Wonderfully Stated
Wise comment and very true!
(10) Anonymous, August 20, 2013 10:43 PM
no foundation
Thank you for a very well written article. It has always been my theory that many couples who divorce in later years never built a true or solid foundation at the beginning of the marriage. When all the distractions are gone and they've only got each other the truth becomes all to painfully obvious and clear.
Anonymous, December 26, 2014 1:27 PM
Great
(9) anonymous -Jerusalem, August 20, 2013 7:04 PM
stay together - the best is yet to be
It seems to me that if the only problem is that they have grown apart and feel like strangers, there is no need to divorce. If there is disloyalty or other really serious problems, that is a different story. But if your only problem is distance, so figure out a way to get close again. Every young couple when they first meet are strangers on that first date. So that is now your situation, but tragically, after so many years. So say to each other, "I'm afraid we became strangers. Let's start all over again. We had 30 good years, let's try for another 30". And remember what the poet (Milton ?)said , "Take my hand, grow old along with me. The best is yet to come>"
(8) Aron, August 20, 2013 1:33 PM
The chuppah is a paradox, because although the couple has reached a great milestone, that is where the work in the next phase begins. My wife and I cherish our marriage, as my previous wife did not. She is alone now, and made me feel like a 5th wheel, more involved with her children than me. Put your spouse first, and your children from your previous marriage will benefit MORE than if you give them most of your attention, ignoring your spouse.
(7) Anonymous, August 20, 2013 12:56 PM
After caring for parents ends
I just lost my Mom Caring for her and making sure she stayed healthy and alive was my mission and I was successful -until she died. Now despite being a father and grandfather I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My wife tries but every day feels empty. I have no intention to divorce but I can't see myself living like this for the next 30 or 40 years
Anonymous, August 20, 2013 9:26 PM
?
If your life is empty and you feel depressed, why don't you do in your marriage whatever you would do out of your marriage, to get over the room of negative feelings that you are living in? And don't go to a meeting of people getting over deaths in their family alone, take your wife. You need some sort of therapy. Why don't you get a dog or cat? Choose an animal that is older and likely to be overlooked, or has a condition that makes other people say "No way.". You can be a hero.. If you don't want to make that commitment, then foster animals that need a home, like puppies or kittens. Some animals are put to sleep because they go stir crazy in cages. A lot are suffering from depression and hostility because they have lost the lives they are used to and lost their people and they are heart broken .Get out into nature..Pray. Do the prayers in a minyan for your mother for a year.. By the end of the year, you will probably be friends with some of the people in the minyan. and feel a sense of community. Underneath it all, you are probably dealing with your own mortality and what is it all about questions. So bring it to consciousness and try to make your life meaningful now.and help to heal the world, tikkun olam.
(6) AlexandraB., August 19, 2013 5:37 PM
A snoopy wife
A snoopy wife who knows what her husband and his friends are up to is a good wife. I fight with people about this but I hear of too many wives are blindsided when the husband announces that he is leaving. I would be concerned about a husband who constantly needs to go out with the "friends".
(5) Anonymous, August 19, 2013 5:19 PM
The Four C's
I knew that my ex was not married to me when I considered the following: She was not Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Courteous and Kind. Where did I get that? The Boy Scouts.
Nor was she interested in Communications, Compromise, Caring or a Commitment. Where is that from? "Tuesdays With Morrie".
How to resuscitate a dead marriage? Mechayei Meisim! Teiku!
Truthfully, it begins with a Commitment to the Relationship. From that can come Communications, Compromise and Caring. Without such basics, I would suggest it is not plausible.
(4) John Hughes, August 19, 2013 1:45 AM
Hi Slovie, thank you once again . Every time you write an article it seems directed towards me . And this is good because I have learned so much from this and all the previous articles you've written . Please keep them coming I want to keep. Learningsrning
(3) Leah, August 18, 2013 10:04 PM
Helpful
As I am reading this I realize that what may be good for my marriage is the shabbos table atmosphere. We are so busy during the week and look forward to shabbos together. Three meals together with no interruptions - no phones....
We also try to get to the movies together sometimes. It all helps....
(2) Alvin, August 18, 2013 1:24 PM
just one word
As someone who has spent the past three years caring for two sick parents (while continuing to work as a father, husband, employee, and small-business owner), I would add the word "excessive" before "caring for aging parents." Some things we have to do; it takes planning and communication with one's spouse, so that no is left feeling deprived, but one can be "sandwiched," and still live as a gourmand.
Audrey, August 19, 2013 7:14 AM
Well said
Alvin I was thinking the same thing when I read this article. One's attitude toward the spouse who is caring for his/her parent in need, is hopefully one of compassion and to offer some help. Sometimes "help" may include allowing for "excessive" as well.
(1) Lisa, August 18, 2013 11:20 AM
Kohelet said it best.....
You reap what you sow.... In every facet of life! Kids... Grandkids....careers. You can't wake up 20 yrs later & expect an instant relationship if you didnt nurish it every couple of days. Thanks Slovie for another meaningful insight.