Sisterhood is powerful. It was the rallying cry of the feminist movement of the sixties. Women, unified, can change the world.
When I was in college, feminist thought had it that a man who held the door open for a woman was sexist (weren't they all for that matter, whatever they did?). We were perfectly capable of holding the door ourselves, thank you very much. My daughters, on the other hand, scorn the bad breeding of a man who doesn't open the door for them first. Where and how was he raised?
Men and women continue to be confused about who they are and what their respective roles should be. I think an unfortunate fallout from this sixties liberation movement has been a deep alienation from self.
Men feel they have to adopt a more sensitive persona to suit today's woman, while women privately complain about the lack of men with backbone. And women feel they have to adopt a very free-spirited attitude towards the physical side of life in order to prove they have thrown off the yoke of masculine repression, in order to assert their equality.
Business news has remarked on the dramatic increase in lingerie sales over the last few years. This is because clothing that was formerly confined to the bedroom has now become everyday public attire. Behaviors that were once reserved for marriage have become everyday activities on college campuses (as have some behaviors that don't exist even within marriages).
But a rash of new books, including Unprotected by an anonymous college psychiatrist, suggests that this greater freedom is not leading to greater happiness. These books confirm the sense of confusion and even depression experienced by young women today. Although the campus mental health centers seem to, ironically, further this sense of alienation from women's feminine souls and encourage the rampant promiscuity, anonymous' clients tell a different story.
They don't feel true to themselves when they engage in meaningless physical relationships. They feel miserable. They feel lonely and hurt. And betrayed -- by the boys, the system, their peers and perhaps even their parents. This is not who they want to be. It is neither fun nor pleasurable nor an expression of their true selves. Most girls don't want to walk around barely dressed and treat their physical selves so cavalierly. They just don't know there is another way.
Our inner voice whispers dignity, privacy, a desire to be appreciated for our inner beauty, a sense of self-respect.
Yet perhaps the pendulum is swinging back. Perhaps young women are recognizing that real power lies not in conforming to some externally imposed sense of who you should be, but in a more authentic allegiance to that inner voice. And our inner voice whispers dignity, privacy, a desire to be appreciated for our inner beauty, a sense of self-respect -- and a readiness to demand that respect from anyone who wants a real relationship. This is our Jewish soul, the soul of a princess.
The external pressures are strong. It takes courage to speak up. It takes community. It takes that powerful sisterhood. Who will stand with her? Not the campus therapists whose support of more licentious lifestyles contributes to her fear. Frequently not her parents whose own tumultuous adolescence during the sixties has led them to support "youthful experimentation". Certainly not their male peers who, most ironically of all, seem to experience the greatest benefit from a supposedly feminist freedom.
All that's left are the other women, her female friends, that powerful sisterhood. Those girls who are also hurt and wounded by ‘friendships with benefits' (whose?) and hook-ups. Those girls who have a strong sense of their own worth and won't allow someone to trample upon it. Those girls with a clear sense of morality and vision. Those girls with a sense of dignity who see "girls gone wild" not as an expression of liberation but as a further entrapment. Those girls who think ‘waiting until you get married' is principled and beautiful, not old-fashioned and foolish. Those girls who find the alienation from self too psychically painful. And the reward too ephemeral. Those girls with self-esteem and confidence. Those girls who value the purity and privacy of their souls.
It's a confusing world out there. With so many conflicting messages, it requires introspection and self-awareness to be truly liberated, to be someone who dares to be different, who is a true non-conformist. Like our forefather Abraham. In Hebrew he was called Avraham Haivri, Abraham who crossed over. He stood on one side while the whole world stood on the other. We have inherited that ability and strength. That's real courage and power. Someone who is able to ignore pressure from family, friends, and cute guys and be true to her inner core of values. Isn't that who we want our daughters to be?
Sisterhood is powerful. It can be used to destroy. And it can be used to reverse the tide of misguided and alienating behaviors. If women really want power, taking control of their identities and their relationships is a good place to start. (Today's most ‘liberated' women are actually letting men dictate who they should be.) It's a big job. There is a lot of pressure the other way. But if we really believe in this feminine power, if we really want to arm our daughters to face the world, then we have to let them know they can do it, they can fight for what they believe in. And they can win, with their mothers right behind them cheering them on.
(20) Sarah Rivka :), March 14, 2014 12:40 AM
holding door open
In my opinion, the first one to arrive at the door should hold it open for the other(s), whether it's the man or the woman.
(19) Shell, August 9, 2010 7:33 AM
with prayer and action
Even though I am 38 and didn't go through the sixties, i lived a train wreck of a life because of the idea of so called "feme
(18) Stacia, October 25, 2007 3:36 PM
Good advice too often unsaid!!!!
Wow. I have had many discussions with my daughter and some limited discusions with my female students about being true to there feelings and protecting themselves emotionally, and otherwise. They are challenged in a world where "it's okay" to say, "It's not okay for me!"
What a great article.
(17) Anonymous, July 30, 2007 4:31 AM
The momblog from 7/25 was out of this world... These words are pearls. They are good for everyone to hear in today's difficult times, frum and not yet frum.
FFB in BP, NY
(16) Rachel, July 28, 2007 6:11 PM
So true
I agree completely with this article's sentiments. As a 20-something BT, I've experienced pretty much everything out there. When I was living a secular life, I lied to myself that I was dressing for myself and not for men or male attention, but as I became religious I realized I was lying to myself. I was dressing for the sexual attention it got me. And while it is difficult to "cover up" when I have been blessed with the tall, thin frame that's so desirable in today's society, I don't regret it for a second. The real turning point for me was one night in Jerusalem. I had just started studying in Aish's Jewel program there and I was dressing tzniusly more and more often, but especially on Shabbat! Right after Shabbat I went to catch a bus to catch some friends. I took a side street I knew to be well-traveled in the daytime, without realizing that at night this was a mistake. Halfway down the street, three young men jumped menacingly out in front of me. With my head held high, I walked right passed -- and they parted to let me by. I felt as though my "religious" outfit of long skirt, long sleeves, and high-collar shirt was what saved me (plus, of course, the blessing of Hashem!). I had the sense that if I was wearing a mini-skirt and a tank top, the result would have been much different. This was Hashem's message to me to reevaluate the way I interacted with the world. B"H it is now two years later... and I now dress tzniusly every day! I wish I could help other young women come to terms with their own confusion and questions about self-image. Dressing modestly is the best way to get respect from others and to learn to respect yourself. Shomer negiah has also helped a lot -- it's nice to be able to tell men that my body is PRIVATE property -- and to be able to tell myself that as well!
(15) Anonymous, July 27, 2007 4:06 PM
A very timely article.
This is an excellent article and needs
to be read by all our young women today.
(14) Daniela, July 27, 2007 9:59 AM
I agree with Joe !!
Everyone including Mrs. Braverman should read the comment below from Joe very carefully as the definitive overview of exactly what we should be finally focusing on after this feminist and post-feminist confusion ! It's about talents utilized, dreams followed and respect given, as well as priorities of morality. No one likes to be squashed or dismissed, I don't care who they are or how much they stay home with the kids or work, don't wear makeup or flaunt themselves like desperate hoochie mamas. I do agree with the main point of the article, though, that sometimes people get so caught up in other's definitions of positive attention and accolades, they don't even realize when they're squashing themselves. But what Joe said about men and sensitivity ? A well put and brilliant point.
(13) tsipi, July 27, 2007 7:29 AM
very interesting
very interesting
(12) Grace Monet, July 26, 2007 11:54 PM
Of course, right!
Yes, the world is confusing. I'm a late-born baby boomer. I watched most of it happen, and have benefitted from the struggle of my generation's sisterhood.
(11) Joe, July 26, 2007 11:41 AM
How about we break away from the pendulum entirely...
Before you go "what is he saying?" please hear me out a little. I'm *not* about to bash tsniut.
This article speaks many volumes in many different directions. It starts by looking at '60s feminism and it's blurring of traditional gender roles, and then moves to a discussion of campus sexuality. While intimately related, these are not equivalent.
On both ends of the pendulum swing there is a lot of good and a lot of bad. First off, let's say that sexual objectification of women is deeply destructive, particularly when they do it to themselves. The goals of motivating inner dignity and a sense of self worth that is self defined - rather than defined on attractiveness to the opposite sex are absolutely essential. Further, the notion that men and women are interchangable in all roles is absurd.
O.K. but that shouldn't mean we want to go back to the bad old days either.
The spineless men that women complain about (I hope) are not a symptom of wanting more brutish, forceful, guys but rather a symptom of a larger problem. Men are wishy washy in this culture because the world has drifted into narcissism and moral relativism. It is perfectly possible for a decisive, dependable, educated and strong willed man to be nurturing, compassionate and attentive. However, it is not possible for a spoiled, moral relativist, whiny, narcissist to be decisive, strong or dependable.
The answer is not the return of the manly man stereotype. The answer is the return of men with purpose.
A similar argument applies to women. If you get your values straight much else follows. However, the return of the blushing wallflower, who quietly achieves through managing her husband is not desireable either. Demanding that women fill that role cuts 50% of the creative brain power out of our society. Sorry, but we need all the good scientists, doctors, engineers, artists and musicians we can get. What I wouldn't give for a real political leader as well.
Thus, I suggest we break the pendulum entirely and take the best from both sides while removing the worst.
The key must always start with belief in purpose, belief in one's own role, and belief in one's own worth.
(10) Anonymous, July 25, 2007 3:38 PM
excellent
excellent article- how truly ironic that men are benefitting the most from this aspect of women's freedom.
(9) andrea, July 24, 2007 11:46 PM
my 11 year old son who is high functioning on the autism spectrum, and has savant abilities with regard to jewish learning, really dislikes it when people tell him he should be a rabbi. who knows? maybe he will end up one, but it is his choice to pursue this or not. i dont think that the most liberated women today let anyone dictate anything to them, UNLESS that is how they want it. liberation should mean that people are free to make decisions that are right for them. Once my kids are 18, they will be allowed to exercise the free choice that hashem has bestowed upon them, which, if i have dont a good job exposing them to how i think they should live, they likely will follow.
also, wearing makeup and having fun do not mean a lack of ability to be a good and tznius woman. some of the very best people in my town are frum girls who give being frum a good name, by dressing stylishly, being nice and behaving well and also behaving like tzadekets.
if i judged them based on their mascara, i would miss out on so much of what makes them excellent role models for my own daughter.
i try to reserve my judgement for what i want for myself and myfamily (or not) and ahavat yisrael is one of the most important ideas i can think of.
(8) channah, July 24, 2007 12:21 PM
Our power as women
So much of this article rang true with me. I was something of ' a wild child' well into my mid 20's - even after i converted to judaism and began to slowly take on more and more mitzvot i struggled with the whole concept of tznius in all its forms. I'm naturally outgoing and very and i found this idea of a private jewish women almost impossible.I was always digging out the skirts then ditching them when summer came - or saying the wrong thing.. 5 years later however - i couldnt contemplate going out in a mini skirt and spaghetti straps. I look at young girls dressed in the latest exposing fashions using thier bodies like a commodity that gets them into clubs or friends with the popular kids and i remember how i felt dressing like that.I doubt if many of them really feel comfortable - and if u look closely you will see they are always on the defensive - ready to fight off yet another leery comment or geusture. my long sleeves and skirts may not always be comfortable or practicle but i feel a great sense of power and self worth in choosing who sees and touches my body and when - and who knows what about me. Judaism has given me the tools to really feel and act like a princess
(7) Chaya, July 24, 2007 7:28 AM
"Today's most 'liberated' women are actually letting men dictate who they should be."
What is THAT supposed to mean?? Nobody should tell anybody what they should be!! Neither a man to a woman nor a woman to a man! There are all kinds of women as there are all kinds of men. While I agree that privacy and modesty have become a thing of the past, I wouldn't want the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. Each person has to find their own way.
(6) Sue-Ann Maislin, July 23, 2007 5:37 PM
Power in being a woman
Ms. Braverman,
I found your article quite empowering to read. I would consider myself somewhat of a "post-feminist" if there is such a thing.
While I feel strongly that the women's movement (which in my opinion began well before the 1960's) has made many gains for women, including property rights and a voice in the running of government, there have been an equal number of losses for us as woman.
You mention sexual promescuity - and as a mother of two daughters, I am often shocked by the casual attitude towards intimacy (or the lack thereof).
In addition, I feel that there is a message that in order to be a man's "equal" a woman must comprimise her female self. she must try to emulate a man's behaviour in order to succeed in a man's world. In other words being a woman is just not good enough!!!!
I for one am proud to be a woman with all of the rights and responsibilities womanhood entails. I value and cherish the very female roles I play and while I am proud of my professional accomplishments, I sometimes feel that they overshadow my true ones: being a committed wife and mother.
I am working hard now to teach my girls to treasure their femininity and protect the intimate parts of the female souls.
Thank-you for writing this article. I can't wait to share it with the special women and girls in my life.
Sue-Ann Maislin
Thornhill, Ontario
Canada
(5) Mommy to young girls, July 23, 2007 9:06 AM
Also protect our own observant Jewish girls
I don't like what I see with observant Jewish girls when they get together -- some of them do go wild, with extensive makeup, arrogance, Jewish music that parallels MTV music, dancing with loud music. On ocassion, they really let themselves "loose" even though it's supervised with the older women shmoozing among themselves and their daughters doing their own thing among themselves. Is this something to worry about?
(4) ruth housman, July 23, 2007 7:58 AM
The New Confusion of Choice
As a therapist, writer, mother of two, and having grown up through the Sixties, I can certainly relate to this article that has to do with changing mores and more choice coming at us from all sectors. I do know that there was intense pressure not to stay at home when my children were growing up coming from the liberated woman and that I endured terrible anxieties in those days from my own inner need to make choices that made sense and that at times, going against the tide, had inner repercussions that had everything to do with self worth. So I can totally subscribe to the central ideas in this piece. On the other hand, I think it is certainly very hard and will be, to follow one's inner heart because of societal pressures to be this way or that. It seems that whatever the age there is this conflict between the security of conformity and the need for independent being and thought, to express oneself. Now I don't believe in one way of being as necessarily better if one is a good, caring, compassionate person. But I do see everyday the conflicts inherent in self-expression and the knowing of how to act, given constant external pressures from everywhere. Thanks.
(3) Anonymous, July 23, 2007 7:43 AM
I agree!
After going through college and working in the mental health field, I totally agree with your assessment. Girls are being pushed into things in the false sense of liberation and they are left feeling alienated and hurt. The amount of girls who seem to feel they have lost control of everything, including their bodies is frightening. Many become depressed or suffer from eating disorders. It is really sad. I hope many young girls take on this new battle cry of self respect and dignity.
(2) Zissi, July 22, 2007 8:36 PM
Right on!
Women should know that they don't have to act immodest to get what they want. True liberation starts within, not without. I agree with you 100%.
(1) Kelly Woo, July 22, 2007 3:46 PM
What can I do as a mother?
Hello,
Thank you for your article. How can we teach this "new" attitude to our daughters? You have articulated very well how I have come to feel about this issue. Frankly, I am quite afraid to let my daughter out into the world. I am just overwealmed with the responsibility of attempting to counteract and shield her from everything that she will come into contact with through friends, the internet, TV, etc.