Call Me Mrs. Braverman

At about age 5, I called my friend's mother by her first name. She became enraged and told me "it's MRS G........... or AUNT or you cannot play with my daughter." I had not clue what the problem was? My own mother called her by her first name as did all the other moms in our apartment building. I was hurt by her tone and replied "so I won't play with your daughter." Later, when I told my mother she explained that "this was important to adults and that I must apologize to MRS G even though I didn't intend to be disrespectful...because it will let her know that I didn't mean to offend her. Years later as an adult, I still had trouble using her first name even though I had her permission.

Listen Mrs. Braveman, here is when you should expect to be called Mrs. Braveman and not Emuna: 1. When the relationship specifically calls for her to call your Mrs. because of a formality (i.e. she IS your daughter's friend, you are her boss/teacher/pastor/public official). 2. By any person 17 years or younger 3. By any person 18 years or older that YOU refer to as Ms./Mrs./Mr. and didn't ever say you would like to be called Emuna. Otherwise, the minute you call me Elizabeth, Im calling you Emuna and I'm 22. Its age discrimination and also I think evident of our cultural bias towards married people. You would call me Elizabeth because I am 22, but what if I were 22 and married? I bet more people your age would think I was justified in being spoken to more formally because the assumption would be that I was more of an adult. Its ridiculous and totally unfair. Even my law professors call us Mr./Ms. even though I could never call them by their first names even if they called me Elizabeth. Adults are adults.

The entire tone of this response carries a certain ... antagonistic chutzpah that is exactly why many in the older generations prefer to be addressed as "Mr" or "Mrs." or by title. Whether the writer is or isn't married is irrelevant to anyone except herself. " Even my law professors call us Mr./Ms. even though I could never call them by their first names even if they called me Elizabeth. Adults are adults." If adults are adults, why aren't you and your law professors on a first-name basis? Could it be that you are required to show them respect in their positions as your teachers? (And in the power they have to negatively impact your law studies?) You seem willing to permit that the law professors address you as Elizabeth or Ms (last name), while you must address them only by title. Isn't this kind of respect exactly what Mrs. Braverman is requesting? In our society, it has become a given that age no longer requires any respect, and youth rules. This notion was pioneered by the baby-boom generation and it might be well to reexamine it and its unintended consequences. An earlier comment also justifiably pointed out that the casual use of first names is additionally a cultural issue. That author mentioned that in the south, the use of a title is considered common courtesy. This is also true among certain ethnic groups, including elderly African Americans, where the use of a first name by a younger person, or even someone of the same age who is not a close personal friend, is considered an insult. I hope that "Anonymous" recognizes that there may be cultural reasons for adapting her current stance before she begins practicing law. It diminishes you not at all to address older people by their title, and wait for them to offer their first name to you, and it will significantly increase your market value in whatever profession you choose.

After reading this article,I do agree with some of the points that you have addressed but I think I have to agree with Chaya on this topic.It is appropriate for children to call their elders by a title but at 20,she is no longer a child. She is an adult.I do understand it was common 30 or 40 years ago for young adults to address their elders by Mr/Mrs.At the university level,it is common for young adults to address their professors/tutors by their first name.I'm at university right now and all my lecturers want us to call them by their first name. I do not understand why 20 and 50 year olds cannot be friends.Sure maybe we cannot hang out regularly but does not mean we cannot have a true friendship.I'm friends with some people who are 20-40 years older than myself.They treat me as an adult,We converse as adults so why not.Of course I wouldn't hang around a middle aged woman more than someone who is around my age but it is nice to have an intellectual conversation with older people.That is my 2 cents.

We feel very strongly about our children calling adults either Mr./Mrs. or at least Auntie/Uncle for our close friends who have a relationship with them. They call their teenage babysitters by first name, anyone older has some kind of title. So I am on board with this idea for kids. The problem is, as raised in some of the comments here, how adults of varying ages should refer to each other. I think the issue isn't just the exact age difference, but the roles. For an obvious example, the rabbi of your shul could conceivably be much younger than you, but you still call them Rabbi. On the other hand, if a group of moms from school get together, they could have an age range ages 25-45, but probably would all call each other by first name.

What about in the case of friends who meet on the Internet in a message board for an interest they have in common where only screennames are used. If you eventually become friendlier and reveal your backgrounds including age and name, and if the age difference makes one in their twenties and one in their fifties, should the younger one start calling the older one Mrs?

I am 51 years old. I have friends whom I've known for literally forty years. When I was eleven years old, of course I called their mothers "Mrs. Lastname" to show respect (they did the same to my mother). Now I'm a grandmother myself, and it feels a little foolish to still address these wonderful eighty-something ladies as "Mrs. Lastname." I think I finally have earned the right to use their first names without being disrespectful. Don't you agree?

I think it is appropriate for children to address adults as Mr/Ms, but I think it is silly to expect a young adult to call a middle-aged adult Mr/Ms if the two know each other. And I certainly think it's possible for friendships to transcend generations. Why can't a 50 year old and a 20 year old be friends? Some of my closest friends are many years older than I am.

I have not, will not and do not believe that anybody deserves respect on the basis that they have managed to live to 50 years of age, are Jewish, African, Arab, European, American, Muslim, Hindu,short or tall. None of these things are achievements but rather beyond our control. Should I respect Hitler becaus he was 50? or George W Bush because he is 60? Both mass murderers. One doing it because he was demented and one for money. I have met many 20 year olds that I respect more than many 80 year olds who are as repressed and ignorant as they were when they were 15. Whats to respect Mrs Whateverstein? I'm 46 by the way.

To those who commented that they don't like the use of Mr./Mrs. First Name. This is a time-honored tradition in the South. It is considered both respectful and affectionate. However, it is important for children raised in areas where that tradition is prevalent to understand that not everyone sees it as respectful. My children call some of my friends Mrs. Last Name, some Mrs. First Name and some First Name, dependent on 1) what they ask to be called or 2) what they teach their children to call me. In my opinion, with no disrespect to others who feel differently, the most respectful thing is to refer to people according to their preference. It is no more respectful to refer to someone by their last name when they've asked to be referred to by their first than vice versa.

What's wrong with "Comrade"? "Yes, Comrade, your Lamborghini will be arriving tomorrow." "I'm sorry, Comrade, but St. Paul's is already booked for a Bar Mitzvah on that date."

I completely agree with Ms. Braverman. No matter the age an adult is and regardless who is 'doing' the speaking, always give respect by using Mr. or Mrs. or Miss --unless you are told otherwise. That goes for two adults addressing each other, whether they are in their twenties or seventies.

I try to get my kids to call other parents by Mr. & Mrs. and many times get shocked looks from other parents/my friends (by referring to them as a Mr. or Mrs. to my kids). Reading your article gives me the strength to continue to do what I know is right - instead of what my other friends do.
Thanks!

I agree with the author. I cringe when I call a business or enter a retail shop and I am addressed by my first name. Management at business establishments require their employees to do that. Fortunately for me the management at my place of employment requires employees to address customers by their last names. I feel as the author feels. Respect should be taught to today's younger generation. It's not something that just rubs off on them by osmosis. I have asked sales people, customer service, administrative reps, etc., not to refer to me by my first name. I tell them it's ok to refer to me as ma'am.

Hello Mrs. Braverman,
I am a middle aged woman and I look younger than I am. On one occasion, I was mistaken for my close friend's daughter (I am older than my friend.)Also, at my husband's high school reunion, one of his classmates thought I was his daughter. It can be difficult to assess a person's age. What are the rules?

I totally agree with Emuna/Mrs. Braverman that children should not call adults by first name.
However, here's a question I'd like to pose:
What happens when the "girl" grows up - when a young 20-something is married, with children, living in a community together with adults older than she is? Should she still be calling women her mother's age "Mrs."? (Especially if this is not the community where she grew up - the older women may not even know how young she really is!)

I think that today's cultural is experiencing an overall lack of respect. There seems to be a great drive towards being casual and comfortable. I grew up in NY, where anyone that was an authority figure to me was called Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. We moved to Florida when I was a preteen, where the protocol was the same. Now I reside in Georgia due to my husband's job, and everyone I meet introduces me to their children as Mrs. Lisa, and introduces themselves to my son as Mr. or Mrs. First Name. C'mon, who do they think they are kidding? Their kids must know that my last name isn't Lisa, especially when they hear their mother talking to me! Both my husband and I prefer the respect that comes with Mr. and Mrs. Last Name, and that is how we are teaching our son to address his elders.

Sometimes it is part of the job to call the customer/client by their first names. One of the jobs I had, it was an S.O.P. or Standard Operating Procedure to use the first name of the customer on the phone call, and there was a set number of times we were to say the name during the call as well. If we didn't, we lost points, were reprimanded (weekly) and eventually we could lose pay raises and bonuses. How we introduced ourselves was also mandatory (might be full name or might be first name only). Another job it was the full proper name of the customer we had to use -- whatever the boss asks for, in other words! So speak to the boss or employer, not just to the employee.

i would much rather be called by my first name and treated respectfully than by my "title" and be treated poorly, which happens more often.

Sorry - I forgot to mention that it is not the word "Mrs." I am looking for but the esteem or respect which the word "Mrs.", for example, points to or reminds both of us (whoever is the other person).

I can also live with my first name used instead of "Mrs." and my surname - as long as I know the other person sees me as the much elder as I am and respects that circumstance and referres to it in the special situations.

But I think that is the point Mrs Braverman was really talking about.

(I hope my English is understandable.)

Shalom everyone of you!

I agree with everything you've written. I am in my 20s and try to be very careful to always call my elders Mr., Mrs., Rabbi, etc. I also try to teach this etiquette to my children. But after reading the "about the author" bio at the end of the article, I can see why some may be confused how to address the author. The bio refers to her as Emuna.

It may not be that she "was not taught to respect her elders". I was raised to either call people of older generations by their title and last name or, if I did not know, their last name, to ask how they would like me to address them.

However, upon entering the workforce I was scolded for doing so with such frequency that I habitually now don't use names at all or I use first names.

Marketing "experts" have convinced nearly every supervisor I've had that using titles and surnames comes across as cold. So now low-level have three choices: use no name (this includes sir or ma'am which fall under the same marketing condemnation), use a first name, or face discipline from their employer.

I've even had employers tell me, "I don't care if they told you to call them Mr. So-and-so. We treat our customers like family. Use his first name."

This girl may be as uncomfortable using your first name as you are. However, she may feel she has no choice.

From the comments above (and WOW there are tons!!!) it is clear that the generation gap that we face today is getting too wide to bridge.
Try get this message to a teenager today. They will think that you come from planet Mars. Of course you will have readers who will read this and write in "I know plenty kids who still know how to be polite", but that is missing the point.
I remember eating by my grandparents on a starched white table cloth and we had only real crockery, silver cutlery, real napkins. Never would you have found some flimsy platic cover or disposable dishes. Also, dinner was an official event at a specific time.
There was a code of behavior at the table (and there was no leaving the table to play!).
So what?! Do you think that it is bad that today everything is disposable?
We have to adapt to change. Today, yeridas hadoros is occurring on an annual basis (not my own thought).
I happen to agree that calling an older lady by her first name without her permission is disrespectful, but my point is that times have changed and we need to keep up with the times in order to bridge the generation gaps.

Dear Mrs Braverman,

I agree with you in wanting young people to convey respect for older ones - you correctly referred to "diminishment of respect for history and those who came before us" and to a "peer".

I think friendship is possible but with the mentioned distance and respect for "too many years, too much history, a longer and broader life".

I am thankful for your description: My husband`s daughter comes out of a divorced marriage - and, if they wanted it or not, her parents took her on their level of communication "a little too often". So it is a little hard for me to get the respect I think I ought to.

It is not that younger ones are less or more than older ones - but out of the experience and the knowledge about how to lead a life (not mentioned how successful in the end) and out of that we should honour elder people in G`D`s will - they (as well as I, for example) should convey honour - it would be for their own benefit as well: This is a way to avoid mistakes the older ones already learned of, isn't it?? Even if they are doing some of their mistakes still ...

It is a sign of humility which doesn`t mean to adopt everything from the elder ones - just the "good things" - and it will be blessed.

Be blessed abundantly!
Shalom, Shalom!

Dorit

It is jarring to hear a young person call me Linda. As I age, I ask myself "How old is a young person?" Is a 20 year spread the guide line? Does a 50 year old call a 70 year old "Mr. Cohen"?

i too was brought up to call my parents' friends mr and mrs and my children did the same good good friends were called aunt and uncle followed by first name
we now live in israel and EVERYONE is called by their first name when i volunteer i tell the kids to call me giveret gimmel for the initial of my last name and when i taught in the states i did the same
sometimes, grandkids of friends call me savta too which is fine
i dont think a person on the phone w/whom u have business dealings and is the secretary or receptionist should assume a first name is ok
even w/peers the polite thing to do is to ask is it ok if i call u by your first name???

Forms of address are largely cultural and situational. When I grew up in the States, people were more formal than today, and when I arrived in Israel, I found that formality was largely non-existent. When I went to school, my teachers were Mr. or Miss or Mrs. (no Ms. back then). My kids call their teachers by their first names. In the IDF, once past basic training, we called our officers by their first names. My landlord is a judge, and in court I would address him by his formal title, but when we discuss plumbing repairs for the flat, we are on a first name basis.
In a multi-cultural world (or country), it is hard to expect strict standards to which everyone adheres. Forms of address are frequently used to reinforce the formality of relationships or hierarchy, but in the end, your own sense of self and place will set the bounds and structure of a relationship. Some people feel themselves defined by the way that others relate to them, rather than from an internal self image. If you don’t like the way someone addresses you, tell them. When you address someone else, frame your own language to reinforce the kind relationship that you want.

there is no reason why a child should be called any differently than adults. They're both people. The same would apply to other things. If someone would ask an adult how old they are they wouldn't answer why are children different?

When the call was answered Ms. B. Should have said, "This is Mrs. Braverman calling." That would have probably avoided he present problem. On the broader scene, her point is well taken. I personally have not run into the same problem. The young people I meet seem to have been brought up to show proper respect.

Mrs. Braverman has some serious problems! The issue is respect, and other than clearly derogatory terms,HOW you approach someone is entirely separate from what you call them or how you "address" them. Based upon her verbage in this article, i might address Mrs. Braverman as she would prefer (just to satisfy her sense of her self-worth,) but you (and she) may be assured that my respect for her superficial values is not very significant.

In the culture I was born any adult friend ..once were going to use their first name we had to add Ms or Mr eg Ms Emuna and certainly Mrs. Braverman if we were unfamiliar with each other. From my upbringing it is easy to agree with Mrs. Braverman and though maybe less than five year younger than my General Manager calls him Mr Name For me it puts him in his place of authority and I find it reduces the level of familiariy especially with a rude person.

As I approach 68, I have almost always addressed my elders by their first names. My friends ususally addressed my parents by first names or nick names. My kids grew up the same way. Their children now address some of their friend by first names and in their new neighborhood as ms first name or mr first name. I asked him why and he said that is what the neighbors wanted. That is ok if that is what is expected. Otherwise, I'm fine with the informality. My neighbor kids have always called me by my first name as have many of my wife's students. If someone calls me Mr. or sr, I always say my name is Joe. That goes for the mail man, Louis who drives the garbage truck or the woman who cuts my lawn. I'm not superior to them and I have always found that it pays big dividends in many ways. I have never corrected someone for using my first name. As my brothers and wife's siblings kids have graduated from college, I've changed from uncle to a first name basis. It works for me and them. We have fantastic relationships.

When I worked in a physician's office, we referred to all of our patients as Mr. or Mrs. so-and-so. Yet now I find that even though I'm in my 60's, I'm referred by my first name. I think this is because of the new privacy laws. If the receptionist or nurse in a medical office refers to us by our last names, they are violating our privacy. By using our first names, our privacy is maintained.

I'm sorry, but a woman in her 20's is an adult. I agree that children should generally not call adults by their first names, but when one adult speaks to another, they should both be equally formal -- i.e. Mrs Braverman should have addressed the other woman as Ms Surname.

And while I'm pushing 50, I am delighted to say that I have friends who are 20 years older AND 20 years younger -- it's not a matter of age, but of mutual values, interests, etc.

I'm torn about this article. What seems like a simple matter of showing respect, really has a lot of gray area. On the one hand, I, too, resent having a stranger taking liberties with my name--I deserve to be addressed appropriately and have no qualms about correcting a miscreant. It irritates me when a sales clerk or doctor or nurse or other person with whom I have a strictly business relationship acts as if we were close friends. If I'm expected to address a physician as Dr...., that doctor had pretty well better address me as Mrs.... On the other hand, I remember one of my professors saying, "people who depend on their titles for a show of respect, need to." I was on a first-name basis with many of my professors, not with others, and those whom I called Professor called me Mrs. But I have no problems with my children's friends (they're adults) using my first name, in fact, I think it's a sign of affection. And whether my friends' children do the same thing depends entirely on how close I feel to them and their parents. Some of those kids think of me as an extra aunt and I foster that kind of thinking. Others keep a more formal, distant relationship, and I'm fine with that, too.

I agree with Mrs Braverman that it is a sign of respect to address an older person by their surname with the appropriate appellation. If she is shocked by a 20-year-old calling her by her first name, how would she have reacted to the situation I had when my children were small and most of their friends from the age of three or four years called me by my first name!
I now work in the Jewish community where I find everyone, even the most venerated leader, is called by his or her first name. I found this hard to get used to initially and feel that unless someone tells you to call them by their first name, you shouldn't. As a result, I found myself addressing communal leaders as Mr. X but feeling like a dodo as all around me others are calling them by their first names!

I will always refer to someone first by their title (Mr, Mrs, Dr, Rabbi) and let them correct me if they want it otherwise. My grandmother always called her own friends but their formal names and they called her by hers. It actually seemed quite sweet. My children refer to my friends and their own friends' parents formally as well. Let the receiving party say, "You can call me Emuna" if they want to.

I disagree with the vehemence of this article. I disagree when a hearty hello and a friendly demeanor is what I receive, whatever I am called, Ruth or Mrs. Housman. I am actually often pleased to be called Ruth and displeased at the distancing of Mrs. Housman. I am actually Ruth before Mrs. and Mrs. is not always "me". I don't find it demeaning when the person speaking to me is so outgoing and so sweet as in this example. I mean, how arrogant of the writer to be so self involved as to consider being so uncomfortable by a friendly smile in the use of her name that she is not wanting to call again. That's so self-conscious. I don't think this is about respect at all. I am not worried about the easy friendliness of my children towards those older than them. In fact, I enjoy it and find it delicious, this evening of the playing ground. This isn't about disrespect because when this happens it is obvious. It's about using our true names. I love being Ruth and I will always be Ruth, however I am called. This story is about love.

Certainly the wishes of the older person should be rspected. However the reason for the growing prevelence of first names has noting to do with familiarity. It is simply an acknowledgement that whether one is a MISS a MRS or a MS is none of [my} business.And the busines world is gradually waking up to this fact. In fact, saying MISs or MRS or MS could actually be more of a personal and hence unwanted intrusion.

I can't think of a single instance in which I would expect someone to call me by my last name. What I see is general disrespect for elders, regardless of how they are addressed. The older one gets, the more invisible one is.
Whether someone calls me "Tova" or Ms. Saul" is no indication of how they feel about me. Respect is something that is either freely-given or earned or both.

I disagree with Mrs. Braverman. I love that I don't have to Mr. my 33 year old principal and he doesn't have to Mrs. me. We are co-teachers.

I love that the puppeteers in my guild and the folksingers who perform in our area who are younger include me in our fun. I may have had my 2 X 30 birthday but I'm not a totering old woman. Being one of the gang keeps me young.

There is no one correct answer as to what to be called. I am in my mid 60s and have friends running the gamut from the late teens to the 80s. I am almost universally known as Richie by one and all, from my Rov on down, in shul. When people prefer that their children not call me that I'm usually known as Uncle Richie or occasionally Mr. Wald. When I had a responsible position at work I was called Mr. Wald because there was a need for an heirachy. I don't think there should be any hard and fast rule. Whatever feels most comfortable and whatever the situation calls for should dictate how you are called.

I'm in my 30's, so I'm not a teenager but I'm not middle age. I recently visited a female optometrist who introduced herself by saying, "Hi Sara, I'm Dr. Smith," yet I hadn't given her my name.

Why does she expect a professional title and yet treats me like a child, when I'm clearly not?

Etiquette runs both ways.

I don't know how, or why employers, particularly doctors, don't train their staff to attain a more formal atmosphere in the office. Friendliness is not always appropriate--especially when the visit involves a life-threatening problem

While I value and understand your view and feelings I think you are WRONG judging that the young adult women is not respecting you, we are talking about a Adult women and not a teenager.

In fact I believe she values and respects you and feels comfortable enough to call you by your first name.
Did you consider if you give younger people the wrong message (unconciously?), as other comments suggest allot is about how you introduce yourself at the first place.
And YES, I think, your view has a touch of 'old fashioned' !

"We need to teach our children - of all ages - to speak to adults with respect - for our children's sake if not for the sake of the adults spoken to."
#1 A 20 year old-- though young-- is not a child, and should not be treated as such.
#2 People in general (not just young people) are quite free with other people's first names. I'm on Mrs. Braverman's side on this (and teach my child accordingly), but we do live in rather informal times.

I, too, find it presumptuous and disrespectful for a person substantially younger than I to assume that she/he may call me by my first name. That is never appropriate and presumes a familiarity to which one may not be entitled. In fact, I, myself, do not address anyone older or more professionally or socially prominent than I by her first name (and never, of course, a male, unless he is at least young enough to be my son), just to show respect (and I am probably at least as old as Mrs. Braverman). If someone asks me to use her first name, then I will consider it, depending on the circumstances and our prospective relationship. I also have no problem politely requesting that those who address me inappropriately cease to do so and call me by my title and last name. Even sml=all children of close friends can find a respectful title/name combination to use, perhaps "Mrs. Sara" or something similar, when a last name is too awkward for them to say. It never hurts to be a bit formal and very respectful, but can be permanently damaging to be too "familiar" or too casual.

At my work, my boss insists that people call me "Mrs. Xxxx". I HATE IT! It sounds to me stuffy and stuck-up, and I much prefer my first name. (And I'm also in my 50's.)

But - that's just my personal preference. Just as being called "Mrs." annoys me, being called by your first name annoys you. So I would agree with those who suggest introducing yourself with the name you wish to be called, without turning it into an ethical debate.

I agree with Mrs. Braverman that there is a (potential) lack of respect when there are no obvious boundaries placed between the older and younger generations. I'm only in my thirties and I take great offense when my child's friends (my oldest is 5) speak to me as a peer. It usually is abrupt, loud, and often outright rude. I don't consider myself strict in any sense, but I do recognize that I am an adult and a parent, not their pal and therefore not on the same level as a child. My husband and I expect our children recognize that as well. Our close adult friends are referred to as "aunt" or "uncle," while everyone else is Mr. or Ms. Happily, we always receive compliments on our well mannered children!

I noticed when my children were in preschool 11-13 years ago, their teachers were Miss Jenny or Miss Barbara. The teachers said it was easier to pronounce their first names. I disagreed with that practice as there is an inherent respect associated by using Mr. or Mrs. or even Ms. and the last name.

I believe that lack of respect at a young age starts off a sense of entitlement that kids today seem to have. They don't respect their elders because they've related to them as equals, peers or friends.

The double standard now is that when I call my friends' parents Mr. or Mrs. So and So, they tell me to call them by their first name. I guess I really am an adult now (at 40).

I'm fairly new to Aish.com. But the last two articles (perhaps more like blogs) by Mrs. Braverman have been complaining about a PBS documentary and a 20-something stranger. Obviously, they are not of the same magnitude. But I would think there are better paths to take then complaining about how some girl addresses you over the phone. And, frankly, investing time in writing an article instead of figuring out how to nicely ask that one be addressed "Mrs." baffles me. This just prolongs resentment and is not productive at all.
If it matters so much to you, just tell the young lady. I'm not sure turning it into an analysis of our crumbling society is warranted.

I understand Mrs. Braverman's concerns, and I would never call someone by their first name with that kind of age difference in my personal life... but at work it is different. Many times, someone will only say their first name when I answer the phone. or they will say their last name quickly, and I don't catch it, or when I come back to them I have forgotten their exact last name, and don't want to insult them by mangling it. Then there is the question of title - Mrs? Ms? Miss? Dr? Mr? Rabbi? People get insulted if you use the wrong one. So often, it is just a lot easier to use someone's first name at work, even though it may not be the most respectful...

In our younger years, we never called ouor elders by their first names. Today, almost all young people call older people by their first names. I find that a lack of respect and too personal by some. I am 77 years old and, unless I am very close to someone younger, I am uncomfortable when I am called by my first name, particularly when that person is not someone I know well. I even hear young people call their teachers by their first names, also doctors, etc.

When the doctor's receptionist called my 83 year old father-in-law by his first name, I thought it showed a lack of respect. I'm now 83 and I still feel the same way.

I never know what to call adults. I am a teenager, and sometimes I simply don't call them anything at all.

When the adults in question are recently married, but only five or six years older than me, when I am somewhere, like an office, where everyone else is older than me but they all call each other by first names... I have yet to figure out a solution.

In England I met people who call everyone Uncle or Aunt instead, but in America that would just sound weird.

Some people really do not want to be called by their last name. And what about divorced women, when you're not sure what name they want to go by?

There are a lot of situations where it is easier to just use a first name, but because of speakers in the past saying things like Mrs. Braverman, I am uncomfortable doing so. So often I am left with simply never using names.

when a future daughter in law calls you by your first name...it sets the tone for the whole relationship..in my case i lost a son...it shows a lack of proper respect and fortels the future....everyone is mr dr or mrs until you learn other wise...one of the worst cases is when the police refer to you by your first name...i just hate that..they also have no respect for the ppl who pay their salary...even though it is a mind game...we can discuss the topic forever!!!!!!!...but i agree with the author...you should correct her and put a distance in your relationship....i love when some of my daughter's friends call mrs so and so...they have manners!!!!!!!!!

It's about time someone told it like it is. Thank you Emuna! I strongly feel that this lack of respect for older adults is surely one of the major reasons that have led to the problems we are facing with the youth of today.

At least this girl knew you. What about the youngsters working in the medical profession who come out into a crowded waiting room and say "Judy"-I am 72 years old and should be addressed as Mrs. Applestein, especially by employees of professionals who do not know me at all. It is downright rude, no wonder there is little respect for older citizens.

I don´t agreed with you at all. It depends on how you are grown up (I am sorry that my english is not good enough to explain myself)Between my parents and me and my brothers we use to call each other by our first name but there was a lot of respect and they really tought us a lot of good things and make us good people. Is a custom here to call an older person even if we don´t know each other to address them as uncle "tía" and that is being respectful. do we are a poor country and quite iliterary there is more respect toward older people than in the State or Canada. I really don´t know why but is really a fact. Now my grandchildren call me by my first name and believe me they are really a very close relations between them and me with a lot of respect between us.

I agree with Mrs. Braverman. And, additionally, not only does being a "Mrs." feel appropriate, it is also a more tzniusdik way of being addressed (see A Guide to Modest Conduct for Today's Workplace, by Rabbi Shmuel Neiman). I recently changed my name at work to "Mrs." and use that title on my outgoing voice mail message, email signature and introductions.

Mrs. Braverman and Ms Lefrak are both correct. The use of first names implies a level of familiarity which may not be appropriate. In my practice, I always ask patients if they would like to be called by their first or last name, and I always use their last name unless given permission to do otherwise. I also do not allow patients to call me by my first name. If they do, or call me "Doc", I gently ask them to please call me "doctor" and "Dr. E..." Maintaining this level of respect, both towards the patient, and towards me, has benefited my professional relationships for over 20 years. (I am 50 years old)

I agree completely! My husband and I have taken pains to teach our children that their elders must be addressed formally. Even when our friends have said "Call me Jack" we have told them to say "Mr. Jack" to preserve the distinction. And even if our friend objects, we explain that our children's character development is too important in this situation.

Think of The Cosby Show from the 1980's - not one friend of the Huxtable children ever addressed the parents as anything but "Dr." or "Mrs." The Huxtable children themselves addressed all adults formally - teachers, workmen, and parents' friends alike. If s/he wasn't their age, they got a title.

But Mrs. Braverman, you don't know just how bad it's getting. I work at a charitable organization, where one of the Directors is trying to get us to address all of our donor receipt letters by given names! I've told this person that if I ever get a letter from a stranger addressing me by my given name, without my permission, I will cross that charity off of my list.

As a z'chus, keep in mind that, for all you know, the young lady has been told that all clients/callers must be addressed by their first names. My suggestion is to tell her plainly that you want to be called Mrs. Braverman, as in "Please call me Mrs. Braverman, not Emunah. Thank you."

I was 8, he was 68 and I couldn't quite understand why upon hearing my mother call him by his first name many times, it would be a problem for me. To date, he was Mr. Lawlor to me and yet I crossed that line of respect/disrepect when one summer morning, feeling almost like a grown up (I probably had a large bowl of Wheaties for breakfast) I blurted out "Hi John" within ear's distance of my mother as well. It only took 5 syllables of 5 sharply phrased words that sent me (GET) BACK TO THE HOUSE!
My mother apologized to Mr. Lawlor, and mine came later with the understanding that any person "significantly" older than me must be addressed as Mr. or Mrs.
Was there any damage to my psycho/social
existence? I recovered. 14 years later when I entered the business world, I continued to call older people with their titles unless they insisted a minimum of 10 times on using their first name. However, when I go to a local store and greet the owner, especially in front of children,
he is greeted in a firm, slow & articulated "Mr. Green" with the hope that he too will understand the significance of showing mutual respect, especially when in the presence of young children/ teenagers. I may not be a Sir, Doctor or Judge or Rabbi, but the "mister" is like a tall pillar that supports more than just a rule- It holds up society on a more respectful level- knock down that piller, especially with young children and other behavioral pillars can fall by the side.

First of all, the Torah requires us to honor, you can read respect here, our parents. They are our closest relations and yet we don't refer to them by first name. In fact, your in-laws require the same level of respect. After all, they raised your spouse, your soul mate.

Referring to the comments of Anonymous (first comment) I don't believe my job as a parent is to be close to my children's friends. I believe my job is to raise my children so that they have the tools they need to deal with our world and to be successful as a Jew and as a human being.

One of the areas that that starts with is respect. Our liturgy is full of examples of respecting elders. In fact, we have a law that we should stand (out of respect) when our parents, a scholar or an older person enters that room.

Mrs. Braverman, I'm not calling you old, we're the same age, I giving you respect out of your knowledge, conviction and scholarliness.

I am sometimes shocked when a friend of one of my daughter's who used to call me Mrs. Savran now calls me Laurie. But as a professional (lawyer) I am used to being called Ms. Savran. I also address other professionals such as judges, etc. by their formal name. But you have to realize that the culture we live in has been using first names as a way that everyone meets on the same plane. My children's grade school teachers at the open school were called by their first names and that trend continues. I prefer my knickname of Kitty Katz socially.

I applaud Mrs. Braverman and her article. I am quickly approaching 40 yrs...living in the burbs with 3 kids all under age 6 and while it was cool, nice and even funny to hear my children and their friends call me and my wife and our peers by our first names, I recently took on a change in my household ..that my children need and must use Mr. & Mrs. So & So, Uncle & Aunt So & So.......I took this on because I do feel that there is a change in the new generation where formality is becoming extinct. For me it is not a matter of demanding respect but rather teaching my children on how to respect your olders, yes..."please" and "thank you" are important and nice things to teach them to say but so is using Mr & Mrs are equally as crucial in teaching our children that there is a difference in being a child and being an adult, there is hierarchy between older and younger and most importantly that showing and giving respect will without question help our children grow into Menchlach quality individuals, which will develop tools for them use in their personal and professional lives down the road…

ALthough I grew up in the era where all of my mother's friends were Mrs, and just one was "aunt", it is clear that in the past 30 years, this has changed. I recall my mother being called Jean by a 5 year old next door neighbor and I was appalled. My mother was not taken aback and I realized that "the times they are a changing."

I had been told by her friends to please call them by their first names now that I was a college graduate and beyond which took some time to get used to. It took me a long time to feel comfortable calling her friends by their first names, but I guess they felt I was old enough, or they didn,t want to feel too old.

As a professional, (MD) we were always told to call our patients by Mr or Mrs and it seemed odd the nurses used first names, but we were the professionals after all. I find myself preferring to be Dr when I am working, and Debby when I am not. I do not feel disrespted, I do not feel old or young or trying to be a peer to someone who is my children's age. I guess the bottom line for me is like others, if I call myself Mrs, or Dr, than I expect to be addressed as such, but in my social life, Debby is just fine, the twins' mom is good or Gershie's mom, since that's who I am most of the time.

I used to tutor Hebrew and teach Public school at the same time. I was really upset when one of the ninth graders Ihad tutored saw me in the hallway and greeted me with a "hi Gloria" . I actually stopped him and explained that I was extremely happy to see him, but my name is "Mrs. Andersen"---he didn't get it. I finally called his mother and explained that although I appreciate his friendliness he needed to realize that teachers are called by their last name. Surprisingly she did not "get it" either.

I do not agree with the author of this article.

When I was a youngster, we addressed most adults by Mrs. whatever. I always felt closest to the ladies we addressed by their first names & somehow perceived them as being friendlier, younger & closer to me & my Mom.

As I matured & married, every time sometime addressed me as Mrs. Solomon, I looked around for my mother-in-law or grand mother-in-law. I do not feel any disrespect when my children's friends address me by my first name & usually ask everyone to address me by my first name.

I do however, understand Mrs. Braverman's feeling about a 20 year old stranger addressing her by her first name. Perhaps in this situation, I do agree with her.

I call everyone by how they introduce themselves to me. If they never have, I try not to call them anything until they tell me. If it's unavoidable, I call them Mrs or Mr (never Miss), or I just say, "excuse me..." or even ask them what they want to be called. I do plan on teaching my children, however, to always call people by their last names.

I think the onus is on the adult to introduce themselves properly to give the younger person an indication of how they should be addressed. I'm in my older 20's and respond to people based on how they introduce myself. Most of my mothers friends are called Mrs. so and so, but there are a select few who give me their first names and are actually insulted if I call them anything but their first names. And this is only related to my personal life. At work, I'm not expected to figure out how old a caller is and how to address them, I'm expected to address them according to the way they introduce themselves. If they go by their first name, I don't care of they're 20 or 80, that is how I address them as that's how they've indicated they want to be addressed, especially over the phone when you really can't tell someones age. Next time you call this office, just introduce yourself as Mrs. Braverman instead of Emuna, and she'll quickly know how to address you in the future.

My mother-in-law likes to call my friends and "hang out" with them, go shopping, go for coffee, etc....and then brag to my mother about it. It would be great if she could respect the age boundaries as well.
(I also hate to say that there are some people my parent's age that would think it's crazy or awkward if I called them by Mrs. so and so instead of their first name).

I completely agree. I am in my thirties, and refer to anyone more than a couple of years older than I as "Mrs./Mr. ___", with the exception of a few individuals who are truly my friends.

Additionally, I have found that by introducing myself as "Mrs. ___" to younger folk, they will often use this as well. For example, when calling a friend, if the teen in the house picks up, I will say this is "Mrs. __" calling, instead of my first name. So often, grown individuals use their first name in engaging with children or people decades younger than them, and this simply encourages disrespect.

When I used to use my first name in telephone calls, I would hear the teen or child's yell reverberate throughout the house "Mom! It's Sandy on the line!" The complete absence of boundaries was my fault, and I have thus learned.

I definitely agree with Mrs. Braverman's article. Calling a person by a title creates a certain boundary - a correct and proper one.
A side point: usage of proper titles is extremely important in the workplace, so as to avoid improper friendliness.
(And on the topic of names, it's nice to know of someone with the same name as me who spells it the same way!)