“Watch your mouth.”
“Watch my mouth? Every time I try, my nose gets in the way!”
This silly line is from a children’s tape, an introduction to a song about a topic that isn’t silly at all -- the dangers of speaking in a negative way about others (otherwise known as lashon hara). But lashon hara is certainly not the only form of destructive speech. We can hurt others with words in many different ways. We can be mean, thoughtless, cruel, insensitive. To be a kind and caring person, we constantly need to watch our mouths.
And there’s even more. What we sometimes neglect to realize is that not only can we damage our fellow human beings through our misuse of the gift of speech, we can hurt ourselves as well.
I recently heard the host of a national radio talk show comment that one difference between the baby boomers and their parents is that the baby boomers swear more.
I think most of us would agree that this is not an example of progress! Yet we have become immune to it, completely desensitized.
My husband and I live in a bit of a bubble. Since he is a rabbi, people tend to “watch their mouths” around us. But once we step into the “real world,” it’s everywhere. One of the President’s advisers is even (in)famous for the amount of profanity he uses. I wouldn’t want that on my tombstone!
And people in the working world inform me that it’s ubiquitous. It’s taken for granted. I’ve been told that “It’s the only way to get things done. It’s the only way people will listen to me.” It makes you seem tough and powerful. But does it really?
I would think that power resides in those people with a greater command of the English language, those who can use other words to express what they mean. Just as a truly talented comedian doesn’t need to rely on cursing for a cheap laugh.
I seem to be out of step with the world around me. I’m offended by harshness and vulgarity. I find it profoundly disturbing and cringe when hearing it.
But I think the real harm is in how we coarsen ourselves through the use of profanity, how we damage our dignity, how we abuse that precious gift of speech that is uniquely human.
I think that when we resort to swearing -- either to make a point, or to be cool, or just as a part of conversation -- we diminish ourselves.
Many of us are careful to only put healthy or organic or the latest gourmet food into our mouths but cavalier about what comes out of them.
And bit by bit, we callous our souls. Bit by bit, we diminish our self-respect and, contrary to our avowed purposes, actually lose the respect of others.
Profanity masks a lack of real power.
We may be able to cow people into submission through screaming and cursing, but fear is not respect. The profanity masks a lack of real power.
I wouldn’t want to return to the fifties (or any other era for that matter) but not everything about it was bad. Making a point without swearing was testimony to a greater refinement of character, certainly a goal for all of us.
It can be like one of those “increase your word power” exercises in Reader’s Digest to try to find appropriate substitutes. Think how much more articulate and eloquent we will become. Think how much more elevated and dignified we’ll be. We’ll be reaching for the spiritual instead of sinking to the physical.
And what everyone’s grandmother or great aunt used to say -- “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it all” -- can be applied here also. Certainly silence is preferable to a barrage of vulgarity assaulting our ears or the ears of those around us.
I saw a beautiful idea recently that the Vilna Gaon expressed in his Ethical Letter: For every moment that a person closes his mouth, he merits a hidden light that no angel or earthly creature can fathom.
(23) Daniel Atkin, February 7, 2013 9:38 AM
Every choice has a consequence
I came to this website acknowledging profanity is bad and I want to change. Stories like this is what makes the internet useful and worthwhile. Hats off to you for making a better world. I liked the comment "We feel the world owes us our wishes." Our choices have consequences and profanity destroys ourselves from within. We can be our own worst enemy.
(22) Anonymous, December 2, 2012 3:14 PM
shocked, really
Because of circumstances, I have lived mostly in a sort of "bubble world" sheltered from the world. Lately I have been going online to places like You Tube and looking at some of the comments people leave on videos and I have been sort of shocked by it. I did not realize the world has sunk so low. Nearly all the people there, depending on the subject of the video, will be using profanity. I made a simple comment, innocently, and this woman called me a B**** for no reason whatsoever. I told her, dont you have any self-respect at all? Which is what led me to go look up self respect and profanity on the internet, leading me to this article. It is just what I was looking for. Sometimes I feel as if I am from another planet.
(21) Joey, June 11, 2010 9:49 PM
I must admit, I have to work on this a bit. ;-) God bless!
(20) Wendy Levites, December 25, 2009 12:22 AM
IEmuna, I forgot this; thanks for the reminder. Love, W
(19) Anonymous, October 16, 2009 10:29 AM
thank you!
what a wonderful article. Sadly most of the people who should read it don't read aish.com! I recently started a course, the instructor, a 50 man, is incapable of speaking a sentence without at least one 4 letter word in it! Altho' I need this course for a qualification, and he is good at what he does, I'm not sure I can endure this. Baruch Hashem we become sensitized to bad language, but the outside world thinks it's normal. Friends tell me I should ask him to moderate his language but so far I haven't said anything, honestly I don't think he's capable of talking without profanity. What a sad world.
(18) Dr. Harry Hamburger, October 14, 2009 8:50 PM
Profanity is idolatory
Do you think that anything that happens to us is without G-d's consent and will. When we do not get what WE want we curse, because WE feel the world owes us our wishes. We worship the god of self when we swear, instead of accepting what is happening to us with faith, humility, and patience. Often we hear patient say, "G-d damn it." They should say G-d damn me for taking His name in vain. In Hebrew the letters that make up worlds are also called stones, in that Holy speech is the building block of the world. Do we wish to repair the world with G-dly speech, or tear it down with profane speech? You decide!
(17) Tzvi - Urban Educator, October 14, 2009 7:12 PM
GUARD your mouth
Simply watching one's language is insufficient. That can be taken to merely mean to be aware of his or her language. I tell my public school students that oftentimes they cuss and they don't even realize they are doing it. It has become so commonplace. I got a compliment from a student today- in the form of a question as to why I am so quiet. (I didn't realize I was so quiet). Nevertheless it took me back to Shmini Atzeret where a rav in Lakewood was giving mussar regarding the importance of being more selective about talking. I responded to this student that I try not to gossip, and therefore I tend to talk less. My answer satisfied the student, but got me thinking more- and I realized that her question was a positive statement in disguise. We need not merely to be aware of our speech, but let our lips act as guards to keep the profanity from escaping. Just as doing something positive can create worlds of good, so can refraining from improper speech. Speaking carefully and honorably can allow tremendous brachah to enter our lives and the whole world. Read (and ponder) the Iggeres HaRamban and see how he describes proper speech.
(16) Rachel, October 14, 2009 6:41 PM
yes. but.
I enjoyed the article and most of the comments. Then I got to Comment 9, and read a diatribe about women in jeans, men with ponytails, the breakdown of family values -- none of which has to do with profanity. I worked for a time in a large law firm where $800 suits AND cursing (at the support staff, junior attorneys, and opposing counsel) were the norm. I've also worked in government and non-profit settings where people weren't paid well enough to afford a large fancy wardrobe but they treated everyone with respect. And I'm surprised that Ms. Braverman didn't point out another obvious fact about profanity -- much of it is misogynystic. One more reason it should be avoided.
(15) J, October 14, 2009 1:07 PM
The Evil Inclination
I have thought a lot about this topic, especially after working in a litigation law boutique firm this summer. Of course, it is imperative to be healthy and competitive, but we had a lot of associates who described the client they went up against in court with some particularly nasty names - what it goes to show in my opinion, when you call someone such a name, is that they are relegated to sub-human status. You don't wish to compete against them, you wish to destroy them by comparing them to something that a pig rolls in. It definately affects your behaviour in dealing with that person/event, in the worst way. That, in my opinion is the evil inclination rising to the surface. Think about the expression - "I cursed under my breath" - its something that some of us do, because we know its the evil inclination, and we are trying to prevent it from fully coming out. Its something we battle with - not only to control the language we use, but even to control the way in which we see a particular event/person. Many times, after controlling the swear word, and saying "Sugar", instead of the fatal four letter word, you feel a lot better, and sometimes even laugh about the event that happened. And the author is completely right - the best leaders lead from inspiration, rather than creating fear with foul language. I know from seeing great leaders first-hand.
(14) Mickey Oberman, October 14, 2009 4:15 AM
Swearing has no useful raison d'etre.
Adl, "In most cases, when swearing is not used in a destructive tone I do think that it has the ability to bring two people closer together. " Swearing is always destructive. It is self destructive of the offender if nothing else. Anonymous, " i can think of at least three very successful comedians who use/d profanity. " I can think of very, very many successful comedian/ennes who never use/d profanity inn their performances.
(13) David, October 14, 2009 1:49 AM
Definition Please?
I know of only one true definition of profanity, commandment #3. Everything else is a product of cultural mores and folkways. Intent is another matter. If the speech is intended to cause harm, it's profane regardless of the actual language. And to #4: That was Lenny Bruce's point.
(12) Anonymous, October 14, 2009 1:26 AM
How right you are!
I've felt this way for years, I hope that by each person trying to keep to correct language we will change things one person at a time. Loved your article.
(11) Anonymous, October 13, 2009 11:33 PM
What my mother used to say
My mother used to say, that people who swear did so because of a lack of anything else intellegent to say- in other words limited vocabulary.
(10) Anonymous, October 13, 2009 10:00 PM
Especially relevant after such holy and uplifting days.
kol hakavod for bringing to the fore this sad fact yes for a lack of appropriate words we do revert to swearing even regular godfearing people. However after such holy and spiritually uplifting yomim tovim where our mouth has been used for holy purposes maybe we can make a conscious decision to stop and say something else instead eg: gam zu ltova etc. Thank you for bringing up this topic.
(9) thomas eby, October 13, 2009 7:46 PM
Propriety
I was born in 1936 in the midst of the depression. With 7 children and mother. Father was seldom aroung. We were poor as could be but always proud of our mother and our selves. There was no profanity in our home not just out of respect for our mother and sister but because profanity was just not used. We did not hear near as much profanity then as is heard today. There was more decorum and civility then. From the 1960's on we started to see the break down in our moral fibre. Later on women took to wearing jeans and men decided it was all right to have a pony tail or long hair. The wearing of jeans by men with a nice sport jacket and sometime a tie seemed almost acceptable. To me it is not and never will. It is not just profanity that has brought today's society to what it is. It is a gathering of self doubt and low self esteem that we see today and those so affected try to overcome it with outrageous behaviour. In the 40's and even the 50' there was a lot more self assurance and self confidence than we see today. What we see today comes from a breakdown in family and family values. Look about you and you will know this is so. I have never lost my self esteem. When profanity is used against me it does not bother me as I do not let insolence affect me and who I am. That is the way I was brought up. Insults and personal attacks upon me are ineffectual as I do not allow another person's bad feeling of themselves affect me. It is their problem....not mine. Propriety, decorum, civility are words that many people today seem to ignore or just do not understand.
(8) Manasseh, October 13, 2009 5:18 PM
We diminish ourselves
Interestingly enough We had a a schorlarly gathering just with people of calibre this week and that was the subject that came up without anyones plannig. Yes, this is an important subject, Yes, it is not only irritating but it produces the worst and not the the best in us contrary to somebase and lame excuses that come up, not constructive but distructive Indeed it lowers a pesrons esteem on others and vice versa. It is condescending, uncouth, inapproriate and absolutely unnecessary You see I used my vowels and consonants, to express something profound without the debasing verbal filth Thank you Emuna
(7) ruth housman, October 13, 2009 5:03 PM
the automatic response
As a former speech therapist I know that when we lose words, as in the aphasias, often what comes back is "automatic speech" and swears seem to be part of this. It's actually often not mediated by "thought" and becomes deeply imbedded, so deep that it comes out, when people are at a general loss for words. I think this is interesting. I do know some very sensitive people who swear and it's not about lack of feeling for others or for the sanctity of life. It happens at times of great frustration and I can say, I don't like it. I wasn't brought up to swear. I do think it's most important to think about the impact of words because I totally believe that language, how we express ourselves, has a profound impact on each other.
(6) Mickey Oberman, October 13, 2009 3:39 PM
Curses!
Mrs. Braverman. I could not agree with you more. I am 76 years old. I was brought up in a house where there was no profanity. I do not swear. My children were brought up in a house where there was no profanity. They do not swear. Mt grandchildren were brought up in a house where there is no profanity. They do not swear. All of us are able to express ourselves and emphasize our thoughts and feelings using the enormous and beautiful vocabulary available to us in the English language. Regardless of whom it may be when a person swears s/he demeans him/herself in the minds of others.
(5) Adi, October 13, 2009 3:11 PM
Harder said (or not said) than done.
Although I agree with your article, you have to admit that it is easier said than done. In most cases, when swearing is not used in a destructive tone I do think that it has the ability to bring two people closer together. Breaking previously held notions of a person, even if they will always be brought down and not up. What I find even harder, is telling someone that you find their choice of words unnecessary and rude. You come off sounding just like "everyone’s grandmother or great aunt" and not at all cool. Ultimately, projecting yourself in a professional and polite manner is hard, but is something I and I hope others will strive for.
(4) Anonymous, October 13, 2009 3:11 PM
swearing
i can think of at least three very successful comedians who use/d profanity. - Richard Belzar, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor. The pioneer comedian for swearing was Lenny Bruce. It is only highly successful comedians that i am defending.
(3) Joel Glazier, October 13, 2009 3:10 PM
Controlling what comes out of the mouth
What a wonderful piece. My rabbi once said in a sermon that we can undo what we put in our mouths (e.g. diet later) but we can never take back what comes out of our mouths. How true. It is not only about swear words and profanity but unnecessary snide remarks and insults. I am so glad you added the quote from Vilna Gaon...and Ms. Bravermen I imagine yoiur upcoming kosher cooking project will help people control what goes into their mouths, too. Now sadly back to the world of my peers and the profanities in their daily discourses :( .
(2) Ellen C., October 13, 2009 2:56 PM
I totally agree.
I am sixty and I totally agree. I have never used profanity. I get my point across quite clearly. I taught this idea to my six children but when they are not around me and with others I am sure they use profanity.... to fit in. I have explained, since they were little (they are 14 to 34) that people who can not think fast enough or have small vocabularies use profanity. I was a peds nurse. There were children that came into our hospital that you could not understand most of what they said.... but when you had to do a treatment on them the string of profanity was quite clear! These were children under the age of FOUR years old!
(1) Anonymous, October 13, 2009 2:49 PM
Easier said than done
Although I agree with your article, you have to admit that it is easier said than done. In most cases, when swearing is not used in a destructive tone I do think that it has the ability to bring two people closer together. Breaking previously held notions of a person, even if they will always be brought down and not up. What I find even harder, is telling someone that you find their choice of words unnecessary and rude. You come off sounding just like "everyone’s grandmother or great aunt" and not at all cool. Ultimately, projecting yourself in a professional and polite manner is hard, but is something I and I hope others will strive for.