One of my children (who shall remain nameless but knows perfectly well who she is!) upended a large tray of cookies onto the living room couch the other night. “Pesach is coming!” I shrieked.
“But the room isn't yet cleaned for chametz,” she pleaded. “What's the big deal?”
I polled my friends. Did I overreact?
“I would have been over the edge if it happened in October,” said one. “Definitely nervous breakdown material,” nodded another.
I calmed down but erupted again when the same child (I hope you're reading this!) sat eating crackers (very crumbly ones I might add) in the aforementioned living room.
And yet I know it's irrational. The house will get cleaned -- even if I have to do it myself! (Oh yeah, I do! No wonder I'm frustrated…) The crumbs will be swept or brushed or vacuumed away. We will, please God, sit down to a delicious meal on Passover night in a chametz-free environment.
The only question is: What state I will be in when we get there (and along the way)?
The real couch is our character; the real crumbs, our negative traits.
If I spend the preparation time yelling at my children, am I really getting rid of the chametz? We are taught that the chametz/leaven symbolizes ego. The real clean-up is a spiritual one. The real couch is our character; the real crumbs, our negative traits.
If I am on edge and testy with everyone as we get ready for the holiday, then I've missed the point. If our home is physically clean but spiritually a mess, then my preparations are incomplete. If I don't sit down to the Seder with a smile on my (tired) face, then my home is still full of chametz.
So I'm regrouping. I'm taking a deep breath. I'm taking many deep breaths (I'm hyperventilating!) I'm focusing on the atmosphere I want to create and the person I'd like to be.
I may still get frustrated (who put the Cheerios in my eyeglass case?!). I may be a little tense (What cabinet did that cup come out of?), but I'm trying to be better. I'm really trying to get rid of my chametz. I haven't succeeded yet but I'm asking the Almighty for help. Maybe this is the year I will truly become free.
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(11) Minnesota Mamaleh, April 6, 2010 3:16 AM
thank you for a lovely post that *truly* gets at the heart of the matter! it saddens me when meaning gets lost within ritual. thanks for the gentle reminder!
(10) Rachel Janashvili, March 29, 2010 1:52 AM
thank you! this was great.
I love reading your articles, witty humor and real life moments that hit home. Thank you & have a happy & kosher Pesach!
(9) , March 28, 2010 10:34 PM
The way I have handled similar situations in the past is express extreme irritation with my child, and then proceed to clean the mess up myself. I few months ago, I saw my friend's five-year-old spontaneously (and gleefully) dump a bowl of Cheerios on the floor one Shabbos morning. My friend, (who is a real Tzadik) calmly and lovingly directed his daughter to clean up the mess, and even comforted his daughter (who was crying because she did not want to pick up the cereal), but still made sure she made a good effort of cleanup. My children are much too old to grind crackers, cookies, and Cheerios into the couch, but if I could do it all over again, I would have followed my friend's example.
(8) Anonymous, March 28, 2010 8:09 PM
thanks
Thank you for sharing your human-ness. I identify with the tug-of war between the desire to refine our character traits and rid ourselves of OUR internal chometz and the difficulty overcoming the knee-jerk response (especially when we're overtired) to respond in a less desirable manner. May we all be zocheh to win the battle and escape our personal mitzrayim!! Chag sameach!
(7) No nonsense mom, March 23, 2010 8:12 PM
I know who would be cleaning up that mess
Any child who is old enough to eat real food is old enough to be taught that eating takes place at the table, not on the couch. Further, any child who asked "what's the big deal?" would find out when s/he cleaned it up. Pesach or not, I don't tolerate that sort of behavior.
(6) Michael, March 22, 2010 2:20 PM
To Number 3
It may be perfectly correct to act upset when someone does something wrong; this is one way to discipline. However, this is only if you can keep internal control of yourself. Maimonides describes this as appearing angry on the outside without actually being angry inside. If you cannot do this, then you hurt yourself. It is this aspect that Emuna is focusing on.
(5) Deborah, March 22, 2010 1:21 PM
Call me a naysayer is right
Cookies on the couch?! Excuse me but since when is it OK to upend cookies right on the couch?? With all due respect, this is no behaviour neiter for Pre-Passover time, nor for the rest of the year!
(4) Sharon, March 22, 2010 12:32 PM
Well said and the analogy goes well behind Pesach...
Perfect timing for this article and as a busy working Mom of 5, I know how I feel after a bout of screaming (and Pesach cleaning seems to bring out that screaming Mom more often than I'd care to admit)- I really haven't gotten anymore done than I would have in a saner state - truth is my family might have helped if I were nicer. And this idea of a "clean house" that is "spiritually a mess" carries through all year long. You can go through the motions of observance but if you don't pay attention to the emotional and mental state of everyone in your home (including yourself), you're really still a mess. Thank you for these timely thoughts.
(3) Anonymous, March 22, 2010 4:23 AM
Call me a naysayer
Call me a naysayer but I think it's perfectly acceptable to get upset when someone does something thoughtless/selfish even if that someone is a child. The child is not an infant and should learn not to bring food in that area at any time of the year. While we would rather not scream, sometimes that is the response to a thoughtless action and the one that is heard.
(2) Lilian, March 21, 2010 11:36 PM
Great article
This is a great article. I especially love that a home can be "physically clean but a spiritual mess". So well said. This is something to remember EVERY SINGLE DAY!
(1) Denise, March 21, 2010 6:15 PM
An excellent article
I used to do a lot of entertaining and make adventurous dishes for chagim. I got cancer so don't have the energy to entertain anymore. Unfortunately my son doesn't even remember that we used to entertain or all the days of preparation I would put in. All he remembers is my screaming because I was frazzled from lack of help or from my husband not coming home on time. So let Emuna's story and mine be a lesson to anyone trying to do the Jewish Martha Stewart schtick but freaking out at their family.