In Letty Cottin Pogrebin’s new book, “How to be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick,” she says something very wise and very important. And she’s very blunt. It’s something that can actually be extrapolated to many of life’s challenges.
Under the heading, Ten Commandments for Conversing with a Sick Friend, she advises:
10. Don’t pressure them to “keep up the fight” or practice “positive thinking.” It’s cruel to imply that negative thoughts – that is, feeling discouraged, not battling hard enough, not having the “right attitude” – caused their illness in the first place or may have compounded their suffering. If your friend keeps getting sicker, the last thing they need is to blame themselves…Don’t say, “You’re gonna beat it!” when you know they probably won’t. Positive thinking can’t cure Huntington’s disease, ALS, or inoperable brain cancer. Telling a terminal patient to “Keep up the fight!” isn’t just futile; it’s mean. Don’t make a dying patient feel guilty for having lost the fight. Don’t make death into a personal failure.
As the author states so powerfully, it’s cruel to suggest in any way, that the sufferer is to blame for his pain or has the power to alleviate his situation if only he would apply himself.
This is a variation on the new age theme of sending positive thoughts out into the universe whenever there is something you wish to acquire or accomplish.
Now I don’t mean to be a curmudgeon. It’s good to send out positive thoughts, certainly better than sending out negative ones. It’s just not a guarantee of any return. The world doesn’t work that way. The Almighty is not a Coke machine. If it were so simple to control the future, wouldn’t more of us being doing it? Wouldn’t those store-front psychics purchase much grander facilities with all their lottery wins and successful stock market picks?
The type of attitude that Ms. Pogrebin objects to only serves to hit a man when he is already down. Contrary to the speaker’s belief, rather than empowering the listener, it actually heightens their sense of powerlessness. And it’s childish, magical thinking to believe that we – and our thoughts – have so much power and control.
People who are ill or struggling want – and need – support. What they don’t want (or need!) are suggestions that they aren’t doing enough, that they would succeed if they would only try a little harder. It diminishes them, their efforts and their situation.
I had a friend who was struggling with infertility. A mutual acquaintance told her the story of another family dealing with the same issue. Instead of focusing on themselves, this other family prayed for at third friend who was also barren. And, lo and behold, the friend conceived. “See,” said the acquaintance. “Just pray for someone else to have children and your problem will be solved.”
If only it was so simple to solve the painful issue of infertility.
But, like Letty Pogrebin writes, it’s not just that the advice is wrong, it’s hurtful. It suggests that the issue is somehow my friend’s fault and that if she really wanted it to change, it would; that there is a tried and true panacea for everything that ails us.
This is not how the Almighty operates in the world. We aren’t privy to the myriad decisions that affect His supervision and His plan. We just know that there are a lot of them, that A plus B does not always equal C. We know that prayer is never wasted but we don’t know its exact impact. Likewise with all of our actions.
I hope that many people read this book. It’s full of interesting and important advice about visiting the sick and doing it in a way that is sensitive to the needs of patient as opposed to the self-righteous or insensitive goals of the visitor. But, in my mind, the most important service the author performs is to debunk and the destructive canard that a positive attitude towards illness or any other challenge guarantees success.
(17) Anonymous, July 1, 2013 11:49 AM
To the person who is dealing with MS. I am sorry you have to deal with so much unsolicited advice. You sound like a very intelligent person who is dealing with your MS as best you can.
(16) Scott, June 20, 2013 2:36 PM
Saying stupid things.
I've become really sensitive to this kind of thing. A couple years ago we had a stillbirth. It was horrible. Being part of a liberal congregation, we had a funeral for the little girl. We came back from the cemetery to find our house full of loved ones. Food showed up-enough to feed an army and someone found me a good bottle of wine for me to sit with. And that's what I did. I sat in the backyard and avoided people.
You see about a quarter of the people in our house had lost a friend or parent or sibling recently and seeing our pain brought out theirs. I could see it in their face. I had tried to share in their morning in one way or another during their time so I could see the familiar expressions. .They had advice, but really wanted to tell their own stories. How they were getting over it...but I wasn't getting over anything any time soon. I couldn't handle my grief and theirs so I hid and spent the afternoon talking to my wifes best friend's pentecostal boyfriend. My wife went and passed out in the bedroom with my mother on guard duty.
I think about this a lot. I think ill-timed "be positive" advice is more about our own fear of having no control over certain aspects of life. I think that we are by nature self-centered..how can we not be? We can only truly view the world through our own eyes, filtered through our own experience. We know our own pain and can handle only so much pain from others. The hardest thing one can do may be to sit silently and let someone whom you can do nothing for suffer in front of you. To realize that we too will get sick, experience loss and someday die and that sometimes there's nothing more that we can do about it than what we offer our hurting friend. Our presence and our prayer.
Sometimes we have to directly confront the idea that we have no control. And it scares us. So we say stupid things. Tell our own stories. But we can't listen to anyone of we're talking.
(15) Anonymous, June 19, 2013 4:18 AM
So True
Thank you for your wonderful article. After many years of living a healthy life, I recently "celebrated" my 50th birthday by beginning treatments for breast cancer.
Until I experienced cancer, I had no idea of how isolating a serious illness could be-- The exhaustion. The financial strain. The putting-on-of-a-happy-face for my children. The fear. The pain. The loss......
And yet, throughout this challenge, I have been amazed at one simple truth: That my friends and family actually care enough to cook meals, to accompany me to doctors' appointments, to pick-up my children from school, to leave cards in my office, to be a shoulder to cry-on when the "more-bad-news-call-came..."
I can’t count how many times I have cried, not in response to my diagnosis, but in response to these acts of kindness--- Because each gesture, no matter how "small," has been a treasured reminder that I am not alone......
(14) Anonymous, June 19, 2013 12:29 AM
Maybe We Should Ask the Sick What THEY want?
I really don’t think there are any rules for visiting the sick . Each one of us is unique and different in his or her view of reality. Every family with a sick member has different needs. For my part, I don’t agree with the particular quotation from the recommended book, because it seems to do the same thing as those overly zealous positive-thinking individuals: it make decisions for others about what should or should not be said. Do not say this or that when you “know” the sick person probably won’t make it. How do you “KNOW” that? You can predict the future? And how do you know that the sick person isn’t hoping for a positive remark?
I hope that the people who read the recommended book will keep in mind that while there are plenty of people who don’t want to be inundated with relentless positivism, there are also plenty of others who DO. For my part, I don’t want to be visited by the kind of friend who can’t wait to comfort me by letting me know it’s okay to go ahead and die and that death is not a personal failure. I already know that. I want to be told it’s okay to live, even if the medical staff isn’t expecting that outcome.
I want to hear about every new miracle treatment, every doctor who might be better than the one I have, every attitude change I might make that could improve my outlook, and how somebody you know got the insurance company to pay for a treatment they first denied.
And indeed, it also may be that our thoughts are not as powerful as the new-age crowd would have us believe, but neither are they as powerless as modern medicine used to think. We now have evidence that certain mindsets can turn genes on and off, and we have knowledge that the “nocebo effect” is no less powerful than the “placebo effect”..
Maybe the most helpful thing we can do for the sick is to actively listen to them in such a way that they feel validated and heard, whatever their experience is.
M.J. Rimmer, August 22, 2018 3:51 PM
Comment is perceptive
The comment made by this Anonymous writer is very perceptive and, for me, right on the money. I would hate being visited by people who were so busy following some advice given by an author who doesn't even know me that they did not have time to interact with the real me sitting in front of them. What is needed is to remember that "each one of us is unique and different", and every situation needs its own response.
(13) yehudit, June 18, 2013 12:42 PM
So true, yet there is another side
I thought this was a wonderful article, and very true. We need to be so careful with words, especially during sensitive times. On the other hand, sick people (or others going through challenges) need to know that most comments and advice are only coming from a place of CARING. The person commenting feels so powerless, even guilty for being the healthy one, we just want to help in whatever way we can: we just want to GIVE. Sometimes it comes out as bad advice, or insensitivity. So this article gives us all pause for thought. Yet also people suffering need to understand that on the other side, we just want to HELP. Those comments come from a good place, and sometimes, we even realise moments after they pop out that they were innapropriate.
Bottom line, while we should all be careful what we say, we should also be more forgiving and judge favourably.
(12) Sarah, June 18, 2013 12:19 PM
Not everything is black and white
Halacha (Jewish law) tells us how to behave when visiting the ill.
Every case is different, and if we know the person, we usually can say the right words. Telling a person to try to think positively (and it doesn't necessarily mean that we're blaming them for not doing so) will be helpful for some people, while it will cause resentment in others. The same goes for giving advice on different options. It depends on the person giving the advice, and on the person receiving it. And when in doubt, it's usually better not to say anything that might upset the ill person - better to just pray and help in whatever way he needs.
"And it’s childish, magical thinking to believe that we – and our thoughts – have so much power and control". Yes, our thoughts do have a great power, and many doctors now acknowledge this! And great rabbis have spoken on this subject.
"This is a variation on the new age theme of sending positive thoughts out into the universe whenever there is something you wish to acquire or accomplish.". The problem with this line of thinking is that these people are leaving G-d out of the picture, and we must remember at all times that He's very much in the picture!
(11) Dafna Yee, June 17, 2013 10:17 PM
This advice good for chronically ill friends, too
I've been living with multiple sclerosis for over 20 years and I have lost count of the number of people who have given me "advice." This goes for everyone from casual contacts to my younger daughter (she's 25) who just yesterday emailed me a link for a new diet that's been "proven" to help people with MS and some other diseases. I can't read comments from other MS patients who are "bragging" how they haven't let MS get them down, without feeling resentful, especially if I'm having a bad day. I can only advise that you should follow your friend's lead--if they are cheerful, then tell them they have an amazing attitude and if they are sad, then be sympathetic. Just never say,"I know how you feel" even if you have had the same disease, unless you are commiserating with them. There are cases when misery does love company.
Yehuda, June 26, 2013 9:58 PM
MS Diet
Could you please give me your E-mail so that I could contact you about the diet that you mentioned. Thanks, Yehuda
(10) rachael, June 17, 2013 6:06 PM
as a cancer patient, I disagree
i appreciate when people encourage me to have positive thoughts and "keep up the fight"....i really don't think there was much depth to this article- when i read the title i was hoping to read something that i could pass on to friends, but the article only gives 2 examples of people struggling with illnesses, and no suggestions on what you can say to them. every illness is different- in my case, my cancer can be beat BH, so i really hope my friends dont read this!
(9) SusanE, June 17, 2013 6:04 PM
Depends on the Persons Needs.
Saying words to the sick is fine IF you know exactly what to say. Sometimes I just don't know what to say and in some cases I just do something for the person. If you don't know what to do or say.... ask the patient what their needs are. - - - - - When I was fighting disease, I would have welcomed concern for my grown children. I said prayers, and asked God for the easiest possible outcome for my family, whatever that outcome should be. ~ ~ ~ ~ Just because one is sick, that doesn't mean they have no future, talk to them about today, that is all any of us has.
(8) Anonymous, June 17, 2013 1:47 PM
There are also many individuals in this world with serious developmental disabilities. In 2013 1 child out of 50 is being diagnosed with autism. (Two children in my family have this disability.) Unless you as a parent or sibling have lived with this or any other serious disability, please do not try to tell us about the latest "miracle cure." We also don't want to be pitied. Just tell us you are sorry we have to deal with so many challenges. Now that I've read this blog, I am very curious about Letty Cottin Pogrebin's book.
Lolo, June 18, 2013 2:41 AM
Another Autism parent
I agree with you completely. I have 6 special needs children, five biological one adopted. I had no idea this would be my life, it is so so hard. One child has Autism and a personality disorder, one autism and Diabetes. What I really don't want are "cures" rather come watch me cry and help fold laundry!
Anonymous, June 21, 2013 5:12 PM
To Lolo, another autism parent--It would be my honor to watch you cry & to cry along with you! Although we have only "met" online, I'm very glad that you posted here.
(7) Anonymous, June 16, 2013 8:19 PM
I also say: Thank you for writing this.
These words are a tremendous comfort for those of us who are "lacking" something, in the eyes of the community. Whether we lack good health, a spouse, a certain number of children, the kind of family "everybody else has" -- somebody is bound to tell us what we should be doing, thinking, praying for, in order to "get" what they have. It's degrading and depressing. Thank you Emunah for sharing these thoughts. Very very important for correcting our view of ourselves and everyone else.
(6) Donna, June 16, 2013 7:37 PM
So what SHOULD be said?
Very helpful article in terms of what should NOT be said. But I was hoping to hear what SHOULD be said or done to help the sick person. Can there be a part 2 to this article?.
(5) yechiel, June 16, 2013 6:51 PM
we are conditioned to think in these hurtful terms
I agree with Braverman. However, at least in the frum (orthodox) world it is taught as black & white that indeed a person suffers due to his/her action/inaction (sins/lack of mitzvot). So people make their remarks based on these teachings and can't see how their remarks are hurtful. A little exposure to book of Iyov would quickly throw in a wrinkle in such simple black & white paradigm.
Feigi, June 18, 2013 2:48 AM
Are we really fashioned to think that a person suffers for his action? As I always understood it, Hashem has an Ultimate plan that is best for everyone in mind and that is why He gives certain nisyonos to certain people. So how is that suffering because of actions?
(4) Rachel, June 16, 2013 6:14 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, Ms. Braverman, for writing this. As someone who has had a lengthy struggle with medical issues, I can attest to exactly these kind of comments and how useless they can be. In addition, telling people about a different doctor they should see, a different medicine they should take, a different therapy that they should try, that they should lose (or gain) weight, reduce their stress -- NONE of this is helpful to the patient nor the patient's family. Believe me, we are doing everything we can to improve our situations -- and some things are just not possible, whether because of medical insurance coverage, because our condition is different from the one your friend had, because the great breakthrough you read about in the Science section of the newspaper is still in trials, or whatever.
Give us your love and friendship. ASK us what we need, and give us whatever help you can. Keep the advice to yourself. And pray for us. Thank you.
(3) ruth housman, June 16, 2013 5:50 PM
Sick is also mentally ill
I wanted to add this, because it might seem like my comment to you was not relevant to what you were saying. There are all kinds of sick, and one is, truly heart and soul sick, as in mental illness, which has also of course, it's deep biological concomitants. Many Jews say, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Don't be depressed. Depression is evil. And that's what I was referencing in making my comments, in expanding, or trying to, expand the discussion.
(2) Daniel, June 16, 2013 5:42 PM
Prayer
This is one dark summary of what a mindset of doubt and disbelief can assert. However prayer changes everything . With G- d all things are possible. Personally, I have witnessed and been healed numerous times. In fact His (Yahweh) mercies endure forever and rising from our bed of affliction is His will, no matter the opinion of the flesh. There is no such thing as an in curable disease . Only to those who have not witnessed His healing, nor understand that in His word is life. The best medicine for anyone is hope, even when that outcome may look dim. Shalom
James Salomon, June 17, 2013 12:56 AM
Daniel please give it a rest.
Unfortunately there are many conditions that don't respond to medical treatment. Claiming prayer can bring miracles is another way of blaming the victim. If only you had prayed harder things would have all worked out. My late wife had early onset Parkinson's Disease. No amount of prayer could have changed the outcome. The progression of the disease was inexorable and everyone in the family suffered. I have trouble believing a just G-d would visit this kind of thing on anyone.
(1) ruth housman, June 16, 2013 5:30 PM
what prayer can and cannot do
You are right, we cannot second guess G_D. Generally when we say we're going to pray for another's recovery it's a wish, a mighty wish, and if it were an almighty with, all mighty, we might succeed. But we never know, do we? I believe we should not tell people they're going to get better. Because we know it may not be true, It could be...What we can do is hold their hands, and tell them, we love them. We wish upon a star. We all do, and that is all right, too. But it does seem Judaism itself often condemns people for being depressed. Certainly Orthodox Judaism makes it seem a fault to be "down", and I just read, it's a terrible thing, worse than death, on a Chabad site, and I took issue with this. Life is hard. Life is unconscionably filled with brutality, with such inhumanity it would take a stone not to feel down at times, and hopeless, if not personally then for humanity as a whole. And that is depression. That is sadness. And it's good, paradoxically to feel, because e motion does power us all. So in agreeing with you, I also say, you are in some ways, disagreeing with others, who are deeply and staunchly feeling they're right.