I was verbally assaulted the other night.
It started out innocently enough. We were taking our grandson to a baseball game for his birthday. What could be more wholesome? It’s the American national pastime after all. There’s even a kosher hot dog stand. Everything seemed in place for a relaxing pleasant family evening.
Until the guy behind us started yelling. Now let me first stipulate that he happened to be a very friendly person. He gave us all warm smiles in greeting, he helped flag down the vendor with the Minute Maid lemon ices and he directed us to our seats. Yet not only was he constantly screaming in my ear (which was actually quite painful) but every other word out of his mouth was vulgar or cursing.
I could forgive the yelling (after all the electronic billboard kept flashing “Make some noise” and he was just following orders) but the swearing was jarring. Not only did I want to cover my grandson’s ears, I wanted to cover mine. It really diminished my pleasure in the game and hindered my ability to watch in peace.
To borrow a word from the current campus debates, I was craving a safe space where I could just watch some baseball and enjoy the nighttime air without being subjected to vocabulary and behavior I found antagonizing. He may not have meant to be aggressive but his language was. And it was painful.
I’ve written in the past about the Torah’s focus on speaking in a refined way. Today my thoughts are elsewhere, on consideration, on the recognition that we share space with others in this world and that we need to take that into account. This means refraining from loud personal phone calls while in line at a store or other confined public places, that if we are frustrated with our children or spouse we should discuss in private at home (this is for our benefit as well), and that we should in general learn to speak in a soft and gentle fashion.
We should stand back from others in line and especially avoid pushing. Sensitivity to others means not crowding them physically, emotionally or psychologically. Thoughtfulness means recognizing that we are not alone on this planet and that as we make our way through the crowded streets (and baseball stadiums) of our big cities, we need to think of others not just ourselves. And we need to behave in a way that doesn’t impinge on their rights, on their space.
This isn’t always easy. It’s yet another way and time that we think of others instead of only ourselves. It’s not always as dramatic as loudly cursing in the ears of your fellow baseball fans. But it can still be an invasion of space. It can still feel like a violation.
I’m happy to report that the Dodgers won the game (maybe his enthusiasm helped?) but if they go on to future glory, I will not be there to cheer them on. I’m still reeling from the assault on my eardrums and sensibilities.
Even though the fellow didn’t mean anything by it, I felt violated anyway. I hope it will make me more aware of how my public behavior may impact others and I hope I can find some better recreational activities to share with my grandchildren…
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(6) Anonymous, June 3, 2018 5:32 AM
I feel with you, Emuna.
Boy, do I know the feeling. Being in a public place, and being subjected to the screaming of other people. The baseball scenario sounds awful. Knowing myself, I would have left. But I have been in many situations, alone and with my children, where if I want to get what I need (i.e. standing in line to pay for groceries) I have to listen to someone's screaming.
For the record, once I was at a Yaakov Shweky concert here in Jerusalem, so it was mostly religious people in the audience. There was a group of high school-aged girls sitting behind my young daughter and I, screaming non-stop. I couldn't stand it. I turned around and asked them to stop screaming. It helped, but not 100%.
There's a new culture. Almost everyone has a cell phone and has little or no sense of the volume of their voice. I hear screamers everywhere. It's really awful. Very self-centered, very selfish.
(5) Anonymous, May 31, 2018 10:37 PM
we need to speak out sometimes
So I understand that the guy was totally rude behavior but what gets me is that you personally or did not have the usher or security mention it to the person so that maybe he could adjust his behavior take it down a bit i believe it is the right thing to do something to say something and do something about bad behavior in private as well as in public,my though on this .
(4) Sandra Parrott, May 31, 2018 6:01 PM
Cursing is a crutch for conversational cripples.
Some of my co workers accompanied our boss to a baseball game and the next day at work they were all avoiding him; his wife was mad at him, and he was very contrite as he explained to me that his "baseball vocabulary" fueled by alcohol, had been appalling!
I was shocked, as I knew this man to be well educated and able to speak extemporaneously on many subjects with never a curse word!
Subsequently, some of those same co workers accompanied my husband and me to a game, and all were royally entertained by the banter my husband directed at the field. One, a Chicago native and devoted baseball fan, declared him to be "the ultimate baseball fan" in that he knew all the rules that govern the play and he had many appropriate, inoffensive, and highly entertaining taunts to throw out in his very big voice. Never once did he use a vulgar or obscene word.
The fans who shared our box seats were very saddened and disappointed when he suffered a heart attack and did not return to the stadium that season. They said that he had heightened their appreciation and enjoyment of the game.
I agree with the points made in your article. We must always be cognizant of people within our space who could be made uncomfortable by our lack of consideration to the sensibilities of others. Thank you for a fine article.
(3) Fred Shporer, May 31, 2018 3:36 PM
Why not say something?
As you have a Masters in Psychology,a JD, and being an author, you have demonstrated great intellectual capability. It seems none of this seemed to have come into play on the day of the game. Did it occur to you to say to the offender, in your refined way, “Hey, I have my young grandson sitting in the row right below you. He is here for his birthday. Do you have children? Your passion for the Dodgers is great! Do you mind, however, being careful on not shouting swear words as I’m trying to teach my grandson to not use those words. Thanks for understanding”. Would this have worked? We don’t know. However it may have been better then doing nothing and subjecting yourself and grandson to the abuse. If you did not have the courage to say something to the offender, as it appears from your tale, did it occur to you to say something to an attendant? They surely would have at least stopped the vulgarity. Your solution of accepting the situation and further stating that you won’t return because of this singular incident let’s the offender win, not only on that day of the game but in perpetuity.
Nancy, December 16, 2018 3:08 PM
To commenter Fred Shporer
Perhaps Emuna Braverman was afraid that this individual might have gotten violent if she spoke up. I have been at rock concerts where drunken people have bothered me and sadly I did nothing, due to my fear. As I sit and type these words, I vow to get an usher to intervene if this situation ever occurs again. Security guards are paid to handle issues just like the one in the article.
(2) Paul, May 31, 2018 3:05 PM
Speak up!
Nowhere in this story did the person who felt assaulted speak up. Why not? Even though the person shouting was otherwise nice, apparently the person lacked the courage to politely ask the person to shout in a different direction and stop using vulgar language. Moreover, they didn't even ask a stadium employee for help. They are happy to provide that help. While it is unfortunate these people suffered to enjoy their baseball game, I know that wasn't necessary. All this person had to do was speak up. People listen when you do. We will never solve our problems in our nation, small or large, unless we speak to each other.
(1) bill price, May 31, 2018 11:24 AM
emuna is right on point
noise is tyranny. at noisy events, bad language is the tyrannical part. loud music (good or bad) in your neighborhood, in a park or at the beach, is nothing less than an assault. i thank g-d that my neighborhood restricts noise. quiet times are a blessing.