We were once over at a friend’s house with our teacher. Our friend offered our teacher a cup of tea. When our teacher responded in the affirmative, our friend turned to his wife and asked her to make him a cup of tea. It was our friend’s wife’s pleasure to do so but our teacher gave our friend a gentle reproach. “I see you are not among those whose goal in life is personal growth; when they offer someone a kindness, they do it themselves!”
This incidence made a big impact on my husband and me. And even though we are not always conscientious enough to behave in the more appropriate fashion, we always notice afterwards and all we need to do is begin the sentence “I see you are not among those whose goal in life in personal growth…” It’s an automatic reality check.
But it wasn’t an insight unique to our teacher. He learned it in the Torah. After Abraham runs to greet the three strangers, he asks his wife, Sarah, to knead the flour and make cakes and his son, Yishmael, to prepare the calf that Abraham brought to him. It’s not that Abraham does nothing; he serves the men, he washes their feet, he’s very involved. But he does offer the guests particular kindnesses that he then enlists the help of others to fulfill. And for this there are consequences. Those actions that Abraham does himself are rewarded directly from the Almighty; those where he enlists others, the Almighty does the same and rewards him through a messenger, an angel.
It’s a fine line. We want to enlist others – we need their help, it’s for their good, we want to train our children – but we just need to make sure that we are doing our share, that we aren’t taking advantage or forcing them or doing our chesed, our acts of kindness at their expense.
I remember when my girls were in high school and the school had a chesed program. My daughters signed up to help overwhelmed mothers after school – with homework, with housework, you name it. The problem (okay, the challenge!) was that the families rarely lived in walking distance and my girls couldn’t yet drive. You can start to see where I’m heading… Many afternoons, right around dinner and homework time, I found myself driving my girls around to fulfill their chesed commitment. Not only did they leave behind their own overwhelmed mother (!) but I felt that the school shouldn’t obligate them to do chesed at my expense, acts of kindness that couldn’t be done without my involvement.
Maybe I would have chosen to do it anyway. Maybe I would have thought that it was valuable enough for my children that it was worth the extra effort for me (and maybe not!) but I felt strongly that it should be my choice and resentful at having been forced into it.
On the other hand, when we have guests, I have for years had a rotation for setting the table and certainly an unspoken expectation about help serving. I like to think that my children are doing it because they want to, because it’s a reflection of their own developed and internalized kindness, but it’s possible they think I am being hospitable at their expense. Life is complicated.
I don’t have all the answers but I am raising the questions. And I think that what’s required here is consciousness and thought (like with everything else). When you raise a large family, there is often an assumption that the older ones help raise the younger, thereby easing the burden on the mother. I never subscribed to that viewpoint because I felt that my children didn’t choose to have more siblings; I did so it was my responsibility not theirs. (Again, if you poll them you may get a different story – so please don’t!)
It’s not that Abraham –or my friend – were wrong per se. It just wasn’t the full credit behavior. There are certainly times when it’s appropriate to solicit the help of others (when planning large fund-raisers or other events) but when personal kindness is offered, then the one who offers it should do the kindness.
Sometimes (okay not that often) we are invited out for a Shabbos meal. I offer to bring dessert. If one of my daughters is in the mood of baking (yes that happens around here) and makes dessert for our friends, I don’t think this principle has been violated. But what if I turn around and then ask her to bake? Once again, not the full credit response.
It’s a judgment call; it can be subtle. But like all Torah ideas, more food (no pun intended) for thought and a reminder to always be alert and conscious.
(7) Anonymous, August 4, 2020 9:44 PM
Kindness Delegation Applies To Coporations As Well As Individuals
When a company “asks” their CUSTOMERS to donate to a cause, increase their tips or financially support an agenda (beyond the customer’s normal purchase) this is EXACTLY what is happening. Some employers do the same thing by coercion of their employees to financially support pet causes. This funding is extortion! This funding should come out of the corporation’s bottom line.
(6) Rachel, March 14, 2019 2:14 AM
Guest’s behavior
I have a big problem with a guest “reproving” his host. I hope someone can explain why that’s acceptable.
(5) Anonymous, March 8, 2019 10:34 AM
Amazing Article
The school needed to obtain parental consent and also offer opportunities where a parent is not needed, etc. Perhaps adult volunteers for the Chesed program that drive students without a license, or students with a license. These kinds of unintended consequences cause hurt and pain, at times. Judgments, jumping to conclusions, shaming, also, although suble.
Thank you so much, although well intended, boundaries were crossed.
(4) Tars, March 8, 2019 12:53 AM
Thank you
It was wonderful to read your article . I can relate in many ways. I often offer to help in many ways with our community but truthfully dont think of asking my family who in turn is involved . When a household is sick and I offer to take homemade chicken soup baked bread and whatever other provisions I put together I forget to check with my husband as he will be the one driving the food to its destination. Sometimes I also feel a little disgruntled when families in our congregation invite us over to a Shabbat meal once in a while.. after we accept and not long before the meal I recieve a phone call last minute of what I am needed to bring. I try my best not to get upset but my family lives far way from most of our community as we have our own hobby farm full of daily chores(oh I wish the animals could feed and let themself out during Shabbat ). And I only go to town once a week for groceries. It's very frustrating getting a phone call 2 or 3 hours before Shabbat asking me to bring the food in question. I may not have the ingredients I need to make it so now I'm in a mad rush to get everything sorted before Shabbat. As we are all different when I invu Invite someone for a meal I am not expecting them to bring anything. I am offering them to be a guest and to relax. Long story short I think we all have to put serious thought in when we offer acts of kindness how it will affect others around us. As you said the one offering kindness should do the work.
Rachel, March 14, 2019 2:18 AM
I agree
It is inappropriate to invite someone and then tell them to bring food. If you offer or arrive with a hostess gift, fine, but what you are describing is an invitation to be part of a potluck.
(3) feigie, March 7, 2019 3:21 PM
excellently said.
(2) Nancy, March 4, 2019 1:34 PM
Something to consider re: this issue
This may seem tangential, but please bear with me. When we focus more directly on other people's needs and less on acquiring possessions, I believe we do better in this area. Re: The issue of Chesed with the school. I can see where it would have been challenging. It probably still is a challenge for parents of today's high school students.
(1) Alan S., March 3, 2019 12:33 PM
Excellent article
I only wished you had fleshed out the chesed issue with the school more, as I had faced an identical issue years ago. Unfortunately my specific problem was not resolved fairly.
Nancy, March 5, 2019 1:50 PM
To commenter #1 Alan S.
I am sorry your specific problem was not resolved fairly. That is a shame.