It may be the holiday season, but the spirit of peace and goodwill has not infected the streets of Los Angeles. More drivers seem to be rolling through stop signs (even the word “rolling” puts it too kindly) and running red lights than ever before. Everyone seems to be in a tremendous hurry.
I watched a car aggressively weave in and out of lanes the other day only to end up waiting for the light to change with all the rest of us more cautious drivers. What is so urgent that it’s worth saving those few seconds, a few minutes at the most, and risking your life and the lives of others? Why is everyone in such a hurry? Where are they rushing to?
I think perhaps the answer lies in answering this question: What does that round of parties and meetings and frenetic dashing from place to place allow all of us to avoid confronting? I think the answer is clear – ourselves.
There is an experiment where subjects had to choose between being alone with themselves and their thoughts for approximately 15 minutes or receiving electric shocks. The majority chose the shocks; a reflection of how painful, frightening, threatening, confusing, boring (!), you name it…we find to be alone with just ourselves and our musings.
Not exactly a good place for society and individuals to be. If we don’t spend time alone pondering who we are and where we are going, we will never grow. If we don’t spend time alone, trying to connect to the Almighty and develop that relationship, it won’t flourish. This time alone is crucial to our spiritual, psychological and emotional well-being.
Our desire not to confront our innermost thoughts is so great that we create or find distractions. In the car, we can make phone calls, listen to music or talk radio or audio books or podcasts. We live in a world of endless opportunities for distraction. We are only limited by the boundaries or our creativity and imagination. In fact, these tools work in most places where we would otherwise, and in other times, have been alone.
I understand the desire and I use many of these avoidance tools myself. But I also understand the cost. Life is hard work. Dealing with the messiness takes a lot of strength. Growing is a painfully slow process with the proverbial one step forward, two steps backwards always dogging our heels. To keep moving requires determination and strength – and giving up seems so much easier (as do those electric shocks!). Just when we think we’ve conquered one test, a new one jumps up (spiritual whack-a-mole) or the old one rears its ugly head again. We may win some skirmishes and even some battles, but the war is never over.
Sometimes we are just too weary to fight. Sometimes we need that music or that book or that podcast just to rejuvenate us. Sometimes it educates us. Sometimes it’s even a tool for growth. But we need to make a conscious decision about it; otherwise we slip into avoidance mode. I just instinctively turn on the radio when I get in the car; I don’t even give the quiet a moment to sink in. Perhaps I’m just too afraid of what I will discover if I do.
But it’s time for a reality check. It’s time to slow things down. I know it’s hard. I know it’s challenging. I know that a good podcast is a good distraction - and I know that we can be creative in our rationalizations, why we “had to hear it” – and maybe even sometimes we do. But let’s make it a real decision. Instead of rushing from house to car to meeting to groceries to…let’s take a moment to stop and think before each activity. And each car ride or errand or alone moment. What do I want to accomplish now? And what is the best way to do that?
Maybe I could check in with my spouse or my children, or work on another relationship that needs attention. Maybe I could listen to a Torah class. Maybe I could decide which character trait I want to work on and devote my attention to it. Maybe I could think of ways to grow, to change, to connect. Maybe I could even pray or just talk to the Almighty. Like I said the possibilities for distraction are plenty – but so are the possibilities for growth.
likewise, if we slow it down, we are safer physically and have opened up some many spiritual opportunities.
I usually love this time of year in Los Angeles. In general, the streets are emptier and the city moves slower. Reflection is in the air. We just have to take advantage of it – and hold on to it when the people and traffic return.
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(3) Laura, January 4, 2020 12:43 AM
If one can’t be happy within by themself, they can’t be happy with others.
(2) Raymond, December 30, 2019 2:55 AM
I Hate When That Happens
Right in the last couple of sentences of what I wrote above, are so many word usage mistakes that it almost makes what I tried to say to be completely unintelligible. I am usually the worst critic toward my own writing, but how much moreso when I was pouring out my heart, and so it is that much more essential to write well enough that my choice of words does not distract the reader from focusing on the actual contents of what I was trying to say.
So let me please say here where my biggest errors were. In the next to last sentence, the phrase should have been "neither physically nor psychologically" rather than what I wrote. And the last sentence in full should have said, "And if there are caring souls out there reading this who feel let down by my words, just think of how I feel being its living embodiment."
Dvirah, December 31, 2019 10:24 AM
Look Ahead
You wrote beautifully. And there is always opportunity for change - when you are ready to initiate it.
(1) Raymond, December 30, 2019 2:44 AM
Alone Again, Naturally
As an extreme introvert with a highly sensitive nature, I almost always prefer being alone over interacting with other people. People tend to be extremely judgmental, demanding, and self-centered. They expect far more from me than I can provide for them, and usually drain me of whatever little energy that I have. So for me, that experiment mentioned above about people preferring to receive electrical shocks over being alone with themselves, is something I find to be almost incomprehensible. I may be the only person left on Earth who neither has a cell phone nor desires one. I see no reason to carry a device with me whose purpose it is to disrupt the sense of peace and rejuvenation that I feel when I am alone.
Now, having said that, there is a definite downside to all this. For one thing, even us extreme introverts are human beings, and social interaction is necessary for both physical survival as well as emotional health. The thing is, I have done such a good job over the decades of separating myself from people, that I find myself completely alone, alienated from those of my family members still alive, and having never come even remotely close to being married to some special lady. Nor am I a professional success, very likely because of this same sense of isolation from people, and so here I am, a middle-aged man, living from paycheck to paycheck, all alone. In a nutshell, I am a complete failure in my life. If G-d had high hopes for me, I have been nothing but a disappointment to Him.
What it comes down to is that life is all about balance, of moderation, of taking the middle path in life. Extremism in any direction is simply not a healthy way to live, either physically or psychologically, nor does it make for a meaningful, fulfilling existence. And if there are caring souls out there reading this my words feels let down by my words, just think of how I feel being its living embodiment.
Now, there is most
Laura, January 3, 2020 7:44 PM
Way to go and be happy, Raymond! You rock!