How much sharing is, as they say, TMI (too much information)?
Is it the former GSA Pacific Rim administrator posting a picture of himself in the bathtub with a glass of red wine during his scouting trip to Las Vegas? (It’s almost a party game deciding which aspect of this photo is the most disturbing one!) Is it Roseanne Cash (the famous singer’s daughter) tweeting to her 43,000 plus followers about the challenges in her marriage? Is it pictures of the fancy gourmet dinner your friend made last night that surely puts the rest of us to shame? Is it pictures from your exotic vacation? (We stayed home and repaired the roof but we’re glad you enjoyed – really). Is it possibly even just pictures of our children?
Almost anything could qualify, depending on context and viewers.
We begin our morning prayers with the blessing uttered by the non-Jewish prophet, Bilaam, “How goodly are your tents O Jacob, your dwelling places, O Israel.” He wasn’t praising our camping skills or our artistic talents. What he noticed, the commentaries suggest, was the sense of modesty and privacy inherent in the structure of the community. No one’s door faced into anyone else’s home. What happened inside was not for sharing, wasn’t anyone else’s business, was private and sacred. A sense of dignity was preserved.
Nowadays, everywhere we look, the opposite is true. We’ve opened the doors and rolled up the shades, revealing all to the world outside – without a second’s thought or a moment’s sense of shame. No one stops to question whether it is appropriate.
How can we preserve our marriage if we let 43,000 strangers in on our struggles?
We’ve forgotten that our home and our family are something special, something to safeguard and preserve. We’ve stopped noticing that something precious has been lost with each further encroachment on our privacy.
The most egregious examples are the easiest to learn from. How can we preserve our marriage if we are willing to let 43,000 strangers in on our struggles? Not to mention the fact that in Jewish consciousness, embarrassing someone is like killing them. (Our jails today don’t have near enough room for all the guilty parties!)
How can we maintain a healthy relationship with our children if we reveal their foibles for the world to see – on our daily television show, newspaper column, or online blog?
And most importantly, how can we maintain our own sense of self-respect if all of our life experiences, all our innermost thoughts and goals along with every momentary impulse are expressed on our Facebook page? Facebook seems to have the dubious distinction of making exhibitionism and voyeurism socially acceptable.
Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal suggests that we’ve lost all sense of discretion as well as many other crucial and valuable character traits (WSJ 4/26/12):
“Discretion, before its recent death, had many allies – judgment, common sense, prudence, reticence and the two better selfs, self-control and self-discipline.”
I would venture further. Discretion is an aspect of modesty. In the midst of serving the body, we’ve lost our souls. We’ve stopped thinking before we speak. We’ve ceased carefully examining our words before using them. We no longer worry about material excess or bodily indulgence. We’ve stopped trying to preserve our inner core. We’ve stopped noticing our inner core. When everything is public, as my husband would say, “There is no longer any there there.” We’ve lost touch with our souls. We’ve lost track of what’s truly important and of who matter’s the most.
Apparently young couples are now negotiating social media rules – what is okay to share and what isn’t. This should be obvious but we’ve lost perspective. Traditionally, the more precious something is, the more we want to protect it – and vice-versa.
We live in an upside-down world where the most important personal details are revealed almost before we say hello – and frequently on national television.
But we don’t have to participate. We can take a step back. We can build some fences. We can try leaving Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest and all social media out of our marriages and personal lives. (I dare you!) We can build our inner world and have the confidence that it can withstand the buffeting of the outer one.
We shouldn’t post or tweet about our marriages. It coarsens and devalues this holy institution. It embarrasses our partners. And we shouldn’t post or tweet about ourselves. We should have too much self-respect and self-esteem to invade our own privacy in that way. If we could really exercise and promote this level of restraint, we would change society. True, some magazines might go out of business and some shows off the air but the public discourse would be on a higher level and we would all be able to rediscover our spiritual centers.
Our ancestors were on to something. We need goodly tents and dwelling places – not just for shelter, but in order to preserve our essential humanity and sense of self.
(19) Rachel, May 24, 2012 11:11 PM
Great points about privacy, but social media is a fact of life
I completely agree with all the points made about privacy and modesty. I don't use FB -- I can easily email photos to those I want to have them, and I see no need for an FB account since I can also or visit people. FB seems like those family "newsletters" a lot of people used to send their friends around the holidays -- nice to know the good things about immediate family, but why should I care about cousin Sadie's graduation or the death of great-uncle Joe, whom I've never met? That being said, I know many people prefer to update everyone via FB (about reasonable things). So I don't really condemn use of the technology, just misuse.
(18) Anonymous, May 12, 2012 8:21 PM
socially discret and dignfied...
The way ones uses FB and Twiter is a reflection of character, social values and beliefs. Tis is what makes us who we are, quite different from each other. Because all are acquired, to some these are lacking and in a long run have paid dearly. So to the bold who will no backaway simply be socially responsible, discrete in exposition to remain dignified long afterwards.
(17) Aliza, May 10, 2012 2:04 PM
personal information should be kept personal
I agree with the article. our generation (the baby boomers) did not grow up with a real sense of borders. we need to learn them and preserve them, especially when it comes to our personal life (marriage, etc) and our children and grandchildren. Kol haKavod
(16) Anonymous, May 10, 2012 4:11 AM
FB RUINS Shidduchim
The authors implying that too MANY people may be utilizing FB for the wrong reasons, which mainly applies to the YOUNGER generation in contrast to those stay in touch with their loved ones thousands of miles away. I closed my FB account because I got addicted to it. That was MY Decision. One friends' picture led to the next and NOT TO JUDGE there were times I wished I never saw those posts because it totally changed my outlook of that person. I have a friend who lets me log onto her FB account whenever I want to obtain info about a guy suggested to me. Well let me tell you, the guy that was referred to me, who's a good catch, highly spoken of, organizes Judaic outreach lectures, where black and white, was not what I saw. I saw his friends FB post (since HE doesn't have FB for "religious reasons") that COMPLETELY turned me off. If it wasn't for FB, I wouldn't have found that this guy smokes (which I can't tolerate) hangs out with women,doesn't even seem he is shomer negiah, and is a huge drinker. So even if YOU don't have FB, you can at least tell your friends who you know that have FB not to post pictures of your personal life...Therefore, the title of the article should read, WHY ARE MANY PEOPLE CHOOSING TO DISCLOSE PERSONAL PICTURES abd PUBLICIZING them on FB? So to the people on this forum who says FB Pics can be activated on private settings, can be controlled who's watching them etc...SERIOUSLY? Are you for real? Maybe you should research how FB is fragmenting peoples employment, divorce, school performance, love , lives, and etc. - But wait, it's activated on "Private Settings." Never mind.
Dvirah, May 13, 2012 12:56 PM
Yes, But...
While I agree with the points made in the article, this particular comment begs a question: would you have preferred to find out about all these negative things after the marriage? (However, a caveat - one should check with independent sources if what is posted is true. Often it isn't!)
(15) B Sloan, May 9, 2012 8:00 PM
It's what you make of it
While I agree in general, I think some of these concerns are overstated. Sure, some people, even many people, post too much on social media. But most likely these are the same people who kvetched too much in public anyway. Like so much else in life, it's how we use social media that matters, not that it exists. I often use it to promote causes that are important to me, to compliment friends, to learn about issues and what's important to my friends. I seldom post much more than the weather otherwise. Works for me.
(14) Anonymous, May 9, 2012 4:11 PM
There are two sides
I don't think this article was intended to criticize any individuals who use FB. I have an account that I use very infrequently ,because like the author I don't see the purpose in "airing you dirty laundry." I believe her point is to use it with common sense. There is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with friends or family. Like all new technology though, it needs to be used in the appropriate way.
(13) Suzanne, May 9, 2012 8:04 AM
Facebook is no worse than a phone
People forget that a FB post is not neccessarily public. You can control who sees it. Saying you should never post anything on Facebook that reveals anything about yourself is the like saying you should never write letters, (or emails) or call a friend about anything deeper than the weather. You can make lists on Facebook to determine who sees what. Somethings like, "Please pray. I lost such and such item." go to all "our friends". Things that reflect my interests go to just my friends. Some things like, "I'm really hurting over this issue." Go to a list called "confidants". It's a very small list and no one else can see what's posted there. There are many people today for whom Facebook is their only way of communicating with those who have known them for years and with whom they have built deep relationships. I keep hearing the perspective that you should only share deep things with people you know really well and then, in the same breath, oh Heaven forbid you contact those people through this tool. Not everyone has deep relationships with the people in their own neighborhood. Not everyone has lived in the same community for years. In fact, I think very few people have that luxury now. Facebook is often the one outlet a person has for maintaining deep, long term relationships. Rather than throwing out the whole tool, we should learn to use it properly.
Anonymous, May 9, 2012 12:13 PM
BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone can find you and get information about you from Facebook. There are scary things happening in the world nowadays and people are kidnapping and using Facebook to help them find out about them.
(12) Anonymous, May 9, 2012 1:50 AM
What's Facebook?
I left Facebook after seeing so many pictures, and reading so many messages from the 12 relatives who were my "friends". I decided I didn't want to know them that well, because what they were revealing about themselves was causing me to dislike their behavior. While I love them, I found out things about them I never knew, nor wanted to know. I do not miss Facebook and after seeing "The Social Network", I want to have even less to do with the monster Mr. Zuckerburg, et al. created.
(11) Jerry Kidd, May 8, 2012 8:05 PM
Thank you for your perceptive comments about social media.
I have yet to even look at facebook. I probably am "over the hill" for social mediaand do not have even a slight desire to know what anyone is having for breakfast. My kids all think I should get on. I explain to them that I doubt that I would ever have more than 1 or 2 peoplel want to be my friend. And that would be humiliating. Frankly it's really because, as Rhett said, "Frankly, I don't give a damn." about social media. Keep it up, Mrs. Braverman!
(10) Anonymous, May 8, 2012 7:22 PM
Shocked that u would allow this story ....
What year is this author in, perhaps 1949? When families lived together under one roof, as in the great movie "Radio Days" by Woody Allen. I cannot believe Aish.com allowed this article to be printed. As stated above, Aish.com is on Facebook. Without it, I would be able to see my son's great moments in college at NYU, 3000 miles away from me. I would not be able to see my sister (who lives in another state), who posts pics of her grandchildren. Most of my friends have kids in college. What better way to share our joy in life, by sharing our joy of our children doing well at school. And pics of vacations, why not? Your author is just horrible and lives in a world that does not exist anymore. If not for the internet, I would not even see this e-mail. If not for my IPHONE, IPAD and Nook e-reader, I would be missing out on great books I'm reading now. My son is away at college. Your author only mentions married people. What about people who are ALONE and have no family left, never married and have no children. This is a great outlet for those who want to reconnect with friends from long ago. I say shame on Aish.com right now for allowing this archaic thinking. This person may be well educated but has no sense of the year 2012. I'm thankful for FB, Words w/friends, e-mail, etc. to all my family and friends. I'm friends w/my son's friends. People who have no self-worth post inappropriate things, that is their problem, not mine. I just hated this article so much and I think this author needs to stop lecturing on things that don't relate to the world today
Suzanne, May 9, 2012 8:08 AM
YES!
Thank you so much. I am married but we have not found a congregation yet. I am a stay at home Mom and we can not afford to drive more than absolutely necessary. I am tired of being condemned for communicating with those who truly know me in the one forum I have available. I really appreciate you speaking up for those of us who use FB as it was intended.
Anonymous, May 9, 2012 9:28 AM
You miss the point
The author is not opposing Facebook; she is opposing the way some people use it.
(9) D.B, May 8, 2012 3:59 PM
must disagree with chani rosenberg
I'm afraid if people sincerely want to keep in touch with family and friends there are much better ways then face book to do it - email, snail mail, phone calls - trust me, I keep in touch with my parents in law, nine sistesr in law and quite a few good friends who live abroad this way. People use facebook as an excuse to 'keep in touch' and 'maintain relationships's'. I see with quite a few people that deep down they know that facebook is a very dangerous place but the addictiveness of viewing everyone else's personal lives makes it hard to stop... for those who really want the best for themselves and family know to keep far away from facebook.
(8) Anonymous, May 8, 2012 2:51 PM
Aish.com and GourmetKosherCooking.com are both on FB
So if Aish.com and your GourmetKosherCooking.com went off of Facebook, you'd be ok with that? Why don't you try it and get back to us on how that worked out for you. To me, Facebook is just another way of keeping in touch with people long distance, sort of like how the telephone must have been seen, years and years ago or the television. Out of my over 500 "friends" on Facebook, only one or two ever speak of their marriage. So what someone went on a vacation? Looking at their beach pictures reminds me of trips my family and I used to take. I'm happy for them, why shouldn't I be? Reading posts of their losses also reminds me of all of the people we have lost and also reminds me to count my blessings. The Facebook posts go straight to my phone and from my phone, pictures of our daily life and our children's activities goes out to my aging Mother, may she see 120, who lives 1800 miles away. Without Facebook, she would not be able to "see" her grandchildren everyday or every hour for that matter! Perhaps you should rethink articles condeming social media.
Eli, May 9, 2012 12:37 AM
I disagree
ther r other ways to show ur aging mother(may she live till 120 with bracha and nachas)ur family pics . Also you actually be right about some pro's about facebook however the cons outweigh the pro's by a landslide
Anonymous, May 9, 2012 12:17 PM
If your mother needs pictures you can send them to her another way (such as e-mail). This way other people don't also have to see all of your pictures and find out all of your personal info!
(7) Melanie Vliet, May 8, 2012 2:49 PM
Excellent Thought!
I am shocked by some of the posts I see on those rare occasions when I look at what others have placed on Facebook. One of my law school classmates has photos of herself in barely-there bikinis and even less and admits to having been so drunk that she fell into a pool while attempting to pose sexily beside it. People tell the world where they are enjoying a meal. Who cares? I am wondering now about the meaning of the Scripture portion you cite. We sing it some Shabbat mornings at our service, but I am not certain of what its human author was trying to say and what G-d was getting at when He included it in His Word. I would never have come up with the interpretation you put forth here. Not having researched it myself, which apparently you have done, my only guess would have been that he was rejoicing over the sheer quantity of the tents as a demonstration of G-d's power and faithfulness in fulfilling His promises to Israel to multiply his seed so that, like the sands, it could not be numbered. G-d had granted an entire nation to a childless elderly couple that by human standards could not possibly have children. Is this not the meaning of the verse? Even if I am correct in my interpretation, I don't believe this detracts from the excellent message of your article. I see nothing there with which to disagree. I was surprised to read your recommendation not to post about ourselves, but when I stopped to think about my own postings I realized that they seldom relate to me personally but to those issues that are important to me. I post mostly articles I enjoy on Aish and petitions to sign for worthy causes. Thank you for your wise and thought-provoking article.
Gilad Goldstein, May 8, 2012 6:45 PM
Source for interpretation
Hi Melanie, The source for Aish's interpretation of Bilam's blessing is Rashi's commentary on the Blessing (Bamidbar 24).
(6) miriam wolkenfeld cohen, May 8, 2012 2:43 PM
FACEBOOK IS NOT NECESSARY
How good it is to be old and not caught up with every passing phase. I have no intention of joining facebook, am not interested in sharing my life with oodles of strangers. If I want to talk or share I do in Face to Face. Glad that someone is making money off this latest craze, not for me.
(5) Ronald Brandt, May 8, 2012 2:20 PM
Beis Rivka Misses a Learning Opportunity
A Beis Rivka high school in Brooklyn is fining students $100 if they participate in Facebook. They should rather be teaching the kind of choices that are well dewscribed in this article. Banning FB teaches nothing. They missed a Learning Opportunity for their students
(4) Chani Rosenberg, May 8, 2012 12:52 PM
facebook, friend or foe
While your article rings true, facebook is here to stay and continues to be a part of many lives. It enables friends to connect on a frequent basis, as opposed to a long distance type relationship. Of course we must be selective as to what we share on facebook, but modestry does not instruct us to hide in our house and speak to no one(that would be a cause for a mental health challenge wouldn't it?)We need to continue to be aware as to what is appropriate to share in public whether it be on facebook or otherwise. In this world where many no social lives but on the phone(or talking at shul?!?), facebook fills another piece of allowing us to be with friends, find old friends, or even make new friends. Let's look for the ways that technology can improve our Jewish world rather than condemn it(as we as Jews seem to regularly do )
Anonymous, May 8, 2012 6:12 PM
Quite the contrary- Mrs. Braverman is right on!
I would suggest that you look at the Carnegi-Mellon study by Burke. And then examine the work by Professor Cacioppo of the University of Chicago. Further research was done by Turkel of the MIT media lab to support what Mrs. Braverman is saying. (Taken from Atlantic Monthly article: "Is Facebook Making Us Lonely" May, 2012 issue. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/8930/) And, Contrary to your assertion, the research shows that people using facebook, twitter and similar media, are not only lonelier but more narcissistic. Some of these researchers call it an epidemic. Mrs. Braverman is right on.
(3) L.S., May 7, 2012 4:33 PM
Yes, quite true, however...
God gave you a filter. Use it to your discretion. Any invention has positive and negative outcomes. How many of you would give up your car in spite of the fact that thousands of people die each year in car accidents? It is almost entirely because of aish.com that I am shomer shabbat and 100% kosher and much of my Jewish knowledge comes from this site; thank God I had and still have internet access in my home! Then again, people use the internet for online affairs and pornography. Television can be used to increase knowledge via The History Channel, and there is also a lot of garbage on TV. That is why it is important to use your brain and to use Facebook and all other inventions for their positive intended outcome and not fall into traps of embarrassing your spouses, kids, friends, etc.
(2) Anonymous, May 7, 2012 1:03 PM
This was a thoughtful and well written article. However, let's remember that social media is wonderfully powerful IF we use it wisely. I enjoy going on Facebook to express good wishes to my friends, and I intend to continue to do so. I will not and have never posted any details about my personal life. Those details are nobody's business but my own.
(1) Anonymous, May 7, 2012 10:20 AM
I went off Facebook a few months ago and how wonderfully refreshing it is to not have it in my home, my marriage, my life!!! Truly one of the most freeing decisions.