Latest burning issue being debated everywhere: The Girl Scouts of America wants young girls to know that they don’t owe anyone a hug, even a family member, even at holiday time. The cited reason is that if they give someone a hug against their wishes it will lead to confusion later in life about “consent and physical affection.”
“Think of it this way: telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn’t seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she ‘owes’ another person any type of physical affection when they’ve bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life.”
Everyone seems to be weighing in on the issue, from left to right with some conservative talk-show hosts suggesting that hugs are innocent and the expression of family affection and perhaps gratitude trumps all.
While I am unsure about the validity of the reasoning or the correlation between reluctantly hugging an uncle and having unwanted physical relations as an adult, I am actually sympathetic to the issue. As is Jewish tradition.
We don’t express physical affection outside of our nuclear family so that we don’t blur any lines, so that we don’t add any sexual overtones to a familial relationship, intentionally or unintentionally.
I think that an informal poll of young girls and older women will find that most of us had an uncle (or a family friend we called “uncle”) who always hugged just a little too tightly for comfort. Perhaps we didn’t recognize it at the time but there was something “icky” (I think that’s the best word!) about it.
So why should we force our daughters to be in that position? Why should we enforce that type of physical closeness? Surely, we aren’t so limited that a hug is the only way we express gratitude (not sure why we’re grateful to see this relative who only appears in our home once a year) or even affection?
It may be radical, but I would like to humbly suggest that we have a better, less threatening, less invasive tool for this – it’s called words or even conversation (and I don’t mean via text).
Can’t we teach our children – sons and daughters – to say, “It’s so nice to see you.” “I’m so glad you could join us.” “It wasn’t the same last year when you couldn’t make it.” Not only would this express the same sentiment, I think it would express it better and more clearly.
In fact, I think a hug is the easy way out. It’s pro forma. It no longer means anything. We unfortunately give them away so freely that there’s no sense of any specialness in the relationship. People I have just met frequently move to hug me goodbye (which leads to an awkward little dance and an explanation of the Jewish “no hugging non-family" policy) and I am always a little surprised (slow learner). We don’t know each other yet. We don’t feel for each other the type of affection that traditionally leads to a hug or other types of close physical contact. But it’s become societal currency for hello and good-bye – and everything in between.
And so, it has lost almost all meaning.
I think we would all, adults and children, be deeper and more well-rounded human beings if we worked on finding the words to express affection and, where appropriate gratitude. And I think it would deepen our relationships. Because the next step is to use language tailor-made for the individual. “I’m so glad you brought your chocolate cake; it’s my favorite.” “How are your children; I remember we used to have so much fun playing together.” And so on.
I stand with the policy of the Girl Scouts, whatever their reasoning. Our children should not be forced into any touching that is undesired, especially the “yucky” (another appropriate word) kind. And I think they could deepen their stance and enhance their position by suggesting we all work on our conversational skills.
(17) Rachel, December 10, 2019 5:54 AM
I agree completely
when people lived near immediate and extended family, it was understandable that cousins, grandparents etc embraced regularly. But today, so many of us have to reintroduce ourselves to our young relatives when we meet only every year or two, it’s very important to give them the space they need.
(16) Laurie Schnebly, December 9, 2019 2:17 AM
conversation: great idea!
I love the concept that affection can be expressed just as well (and often better) via words rather than touch. While I get and give hugs freely, I remember specific words of affection much more fondly!
(15) Gail, December 9, 2019 12:46 AM
Agree - no obligatory hugging
As an adult I didn’t tell my children to give someone a hug, even close family. The initiative was theirs.
Going to shul children I knew would say to their preschool siblings “give Mrs. G a hug” and I’d answer, ”no, not because you told Them too. When they know me and want to give me a hug I’ll gladly accept,, but they don’t know me yet.” As a grandparent, I ask my grandchildren for permission to give them a hug. When one runs into my arms we’re both happy. When one says “no” I answer that I have a hug ready for when the child is ready, and we’re both happy. There is no demand, no coercion, and the children know their hugs / my hugs come freely, at no price.
(14) Rosa, December 9, 2019 12:04 AM
"We don’t express physical affection outside of our nuclear family so that we don’t blur any lines, so that we don’t add any sexual overtones to a familial relationship, intentionally or unintentionally."
Simply not accurate. In all the Jewish communities I've been to, this is only true of opposite gender relationships. Same gender cousins hug all the time.
(13) Leah, December 8, 2019 11:04 PM
Agree
I remember a saying, "When you kiss anyone and everyone then you lessen the specialness of the kiss.
You know how to touch everything, yet you feel nothing."
I wish I had been given this "permission to say no" when I was young.
I was taught good girls keep quiet. Good girls don't say no. etc....I was also taught that we take back seat to men....
Not true. I now teach my girl's (and boy) scream as loud as you can if someone comes to you and it is threatening (heaven forbid.) No is a complete sentence....
(12) Alan S., December 8, 2019 8:57 PM
No question the Rebbitzen is correct in theory and practice, but...
there is no need to denigrate "uncles". No man or woman should give a 'casual' hug to a child.
Nancy, December 8, 2019 10:42 PM
To commenter #12 Alan S.
When Rebbitzen Braverman spoke about uncles, I don't believe she meant to offend the many good and decent men out there. Unfortunately there are MANY inappropriate men who give good men a very bad name. With that said, I agree that no child should ever be forced to give anyone a hug.
(11) Anonymous, December 8, 2019 8:34 PM
This should include women who are family members too!
This is such a great concept & for that matter no child needs to be told or demandedi to show affection to a bubbe, aunt, or great aunt either. Even if a bubbe gives a child an amazing toy that costs a lot of money the child should be told to say thank you & send a note but should not have to be forced to kiss or hug her (unless the child naturally wants to). If a relative wants to give then it should be wholehheartedly without getting anyrhing in return.
(10) Anonymous, December 8, 2019 6:35 PM
Hugging goes beyond words
I think no one, son or daughter should be "forced" to hug anyone they do not wish to. However, I see nothing wrong with showing affection with a hug to those one chooses to. The operative words here is "chooses to". The child ought to be the person who initiates to hug. Words of course, are wonderful ways to express ones affection for another, A hug takes that expression and under scores it.
Anonymous, December 11, 2019 10:11 PM
Agree completely
I agree with you completely. Choice is the operative word.
(9) Nancy, December 8, 2019 6:16 PM
An additional form of greeting
In addition to uttering friendly words, one cannot go wrong with a genuine smile. The combination of those two actions can more than sufficiently replace a hug. I only with this article had been written several decades ago when I had to deal with an obnoxious friend of my parents.
(8) Shoshana-Jerusalem, December 8, 2019 5:33 PM
Excellent article
I agree with every word you wrote, you couldn't have said it better. It seems to me that even a girl who doesn't mind it shouldn't allow someone to hug her.
(7) JoAnn Dolberg, December 8, 2019 4:56 PM
Yes!
I like the "Jewish way!"
(6) Anonymous, December 8, 2019 4:24 PM
Losing affection with every word
Conversation is a neat innovation by we humans, and when it comes to affection it serves as a useful way to obtain consent. Good feelings by good words are no substitute for our ingrained love to each other and a loved one's touch--by words our family can compliment as suggested, then ask if we'd like to go physical. No one is 'owed' the touch, but when each family member wants it, we affirm and exchange it.
(5) Kathy Crane, December 8, 2019 4:21 PM
I agree
Seriously was just talking about this in the last couple! No child should be forced to hug ANYONE, EVER!
(4) Ra'anan, December 8, 2019 3:58 PM
Emuna, you don't hug fellow women at weddings unless they're family???
Emuna, you don't hug fellow women at weddings unless they're family???
Shoshana-Jerusalem, December 8, 2019 5:39 PM
I don't think she was talking about hugging another girl. Emuna said "uncles".
(3) Lili Cohen, December 8, 2019 3:28 PM
Hugs
A question to the writer, this issue came out lately by the girls scouts ,so the question is for you and the Girl Scouts ..if you say so passionate to keep the girls feelings and protect them so much why don’t you and this organization will come out and holler loud enough and protect these girls from sharing bathrooms with boys ,train genders ,and so on in public bathrooms ???
IrisB, December 11, 2019 10:08 PM
What does this have to do with sharing bathrooms?
Ms Cohen, I think you have gone amiss with your remarks. What does sharing bathrooms have to do with forcing people to hug. Women's bathrooms have stalls that close and the user has privacy. If all bathrooms were built so, men and women could easily share a bathroom and have privacy and modesty.
As a women, I do find men's urinals a bit unsightly and I could understand if a woman finds that uncomfortable, but if all bathrooms are made with just stalls with doors, there is no issue if a bathroom is used by both women and men and those who are gender neutral.
I have no interest in peeking into the next stall to see what someone is doing, do you?
(2) KH Ryesky, December 8, 2019 3:25 PM
Very insightful and valid.
Unfortunately, the practice of hugging, when abused, knows no gender boundaries. Can you say "Malka Leifer?"
(1) Judith Herzog, December 8, 2019 2:45 PM
Never force a child to allow
Never force a child to allow touching by ANYONE- not even yourself!!!!!!!!! All children should learn that THEY are the ones who determine who touches their bodies... and the reasons for all of this should be discussed with the child. You don't have to scare them, but make sure they know why all of this is happening and why they should or should not allow the touching.