I seem to be channeling an old Animals song these days: “We’ve gotta get out of this place. If it’s the last thing we ever do…” Given the current upheaval in the streets of America, you might assume that’s what I’m referring to. But it’s actually more personal and localized. I’ve gotta get out of my house! Away from the same furniture and chores and dust and dinners and…
I’m going out of my mind. And I know I’m not alone. I think more than half the country, perhaps half the world has joined me in my frustration. Despite the lack of a cure or a vaccine, enough seems enough. It’s not rational or logical or perhaps even sane! I’ve been so careful and I’m getting ready to just open the doors wide – because I’m going out of my mind.
I realize I have it lucky. I have a house. It’s been nice weather. I have a job. I have a backyard. I have some grandkids close by who are sheltering with us. I have my husband and two children who are stuck at home too (and also, dangerously close to going out of their minds!). I have classes to teach and articles to write and all sorts of meaningful work to do. I really can’t complain. And yet…I’m going out of my mind!
Of course, we can put up with more. I think of Natan Scharansky spending years of solitary confinement in a KGB prison. I think of the small hiding places that Jews squeezed into during the Holocaust – living off scraps and afraid to make a peep. I think of innocent people jailed for years for crimes they didn’t commit – and even the guilty ones. There are so many people, both now and in the past, who were trapped in much worse conditions with much less hope of freedom or escape. But I’m still going out of my mind!
And, paradoxically, I’m also trapped by my fear – afraid to venture out, afraid to expose myself, just plain afraid. Every other human being becomes a potential disease-carrier. We instinctively move in for a hug and just as quickly recoil in disgust. At a doctor’s visit (my only outings) recently, the ungloved nurse tried to hand me a pen. I jumped backwards without thinking and she proceeded to put on gloves and wipe down the pen. Maybe she should have had them on to begin with – or maybe she was washing her hands non-stop and didn’t need them – either way, I don’t like the distrust, the uneasiness we all feel around each other, the constant calculations.
We don’t see a lot of people, but we indulge in the occasional social distance visit because…you guessed it…I’m going out of my mind! On a recent one, a friend who claimed to also adhere to a rigid standard in the wake of the virus, began listing all the people she had seen recently and, more importantly, the circumstances. I found myself inching backward in my chair as the list got longer and longer. I no longer feel comfortable around her and that’s sad.
I know that the Almighty runs the world and that if we’re meant to get sick, God forbid, nothing we do will prevent it. But on the other hand, we’re supposed to make a reasonable effort and not rely on the miracle. I think I know what reason would dictate but should reason also take into account the fact that I’m going out of mind?
I think it should. It’s only a question of how much weight to give it. I think the country is engaged in an evaluation of that balance right now. Because there seems to be a collective call of “we’re going out of our minds” and the governmental policies must respond to this sentiment/need as well.
I hope we’ll achieve a thoughtful balance (Is it a situation where the idea of a happy medium can even be applied? Can we use the word happy?!). I hope I’ll achieve a thoughtful balance (I hope we’ll discover a vaccine sooner than imagined!). A physician friend of ours said he doesn’t plan to get on a plane until at least January. That sent me back down the rabbit hole of despair. “But he doesn’t have grandchildren who live 3000 miles away,” I said to myself. He has his whole family together. Maybe he’d make a different choice if he didn’t. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t need to be swayed by his choices. There are doctors on all sides of this issue…
All I know is that I’m going out of my mind! And that I’m intensifying my prayers that the Almighty lift this plague and allow us to return to a life of connection and togetherness (and even painted nails!) as opposed to the isolation and distance (and rough cuticles – trivial but hey...) we’re experiencing now.
(9) Rena, June 26, 2020 4:06 AM
Universal feelings
I was amazed at how exactly you captured my thoughts and feelings when we here in Eretz Yisrael were going through lockdown. I can assure you that soon you will be back out in the world a bit more and you will feel great relief to be among people once again. I don't mind wearing a mask and keeping a two meter distance as long as I can leave my house and breathe a bit and see trees, flowers and the outside world. Needing social contact is like the need for oxygen among most people but I am acquainted with some introverts who actually thrived during this time as well, as it enabled them to have the quiet that they crave and so rarely have the opportunity to experience.
(8) Anonymous, June 25, 2020 9:15 PM
The Silver Lining
This catastrophic pandemic that has rendered me housebound, has a silver lining for me. I'm learning who my real friends are. And, I also have found the solitude necessary to listen to my inner voice and be able to be more honest with myself than I've ever been. I also feel more connected than ever to my grandfather who survived the horrors of WWI b/c he wore the gas mask even tho' he was ridiculed for looking ridiculous. I've also found that I can be friends with people whose politics is unlike mine. And, I place a greater premium on intangible things like health, birds chirping and a dazzling sunset. The only thing I really want in terms of material things is Seventh Generation Disinfectant Wipes -- then my cup would overflow!
(7) Esther C, June 25, 2020 3:14 PM
Counter-Productive Measures
UNsocial distancing, face masks, staying home all INCREASE your risk of death, including from the virus itself. G-d is Love. Real SOCIAL distance is close enough to touch, sometimes to hug. And we NEED social lives--especially the elderly. Social life is the best predictor of longevity in elderly. Covering the body excessively prevents making vitamin D from sunshine. That's why Orthodox die disproportionately, why American Blacks have 3x the death rate of US whites,etc. NY found that most COVID cases were caught at home. For survival, get some sun.
Economic disruption has also been repeatedly proven to kill "but lives are more important than money." Too obviously illogical for comment.
Israel has been the most fanatic lockdown nation in the world. I am grieved, I am deeply ashamed, and I no longer want to make Aliyah.
(6) Ann B., June 25, 2020 2:46 PM
You said it
Thank you for your thoughtful article. You expressed what most of us are feeling. There seems to be no end in sight and not many answers. The constant changing of the narrative is what is most frightening. There is definitely a message and a warning, but I don't think enough people are listening.
(5) Linda M, June 25, 2020 1:57 PM
Nailed it
Emuna ,you captured so much of what I have been personally experiencing. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone in these thoughts and feelings. I join you in hope and prayer for a return to the connection we once experienced with each other.
(4) Anonymous, June 25, 2020 12:17 PM
Amen, Emuna!
(3) George Haag, June 24, 2020 11:24 PM
Comedy helps
Emuna- As a comedian, this pandemic highlights for me the amount of self-imposed isolation I regularly impose upon myself. I have deepened my relations with others by identifying with their fears of isolation and loneliness (and anxiety) and realizing I am not alone. My conversion has ground to a veritable halt- I see my Jewish friends (thank G-d for my job at the Kosher Mart here in Rochester!) but I am barred from synagogue until our comedy group opens our club down the road (Rabbi's orders.). Rabbi Avi is old-school. Here's a joke just for you! Don't forget to social distance at least six feet- it's about the length of a mohel! Love, George Haag
(2) Anonymous, June 24, 2020 3:36 AM
You share gut feelings held by many of us.
You do this frequently. Some are more popular than others but all are courageous and let us know we are not alone in having these thoughts.
You are what I’ve always thought of as a “woman of valor.”
Thank you for sharing.
(1) Rachel, June 21, 2020 1:54 PM
I am not
Following a stroke many years ago, my world shrunk. Since that time, my husband and I have become empty-nesters, with our daughter on the other side of the country and our son overseas. I am young enough that most of my friends still work during the day.
Take a moment to think of the disabled. You may not see us because we cannot be out and about, either because of our greater susceptibility or because we have limitations due to mobility or vision. We have lost our former careers, and accordingly, many of us have lost our quality of life.
And you know what? We are so grateful still to be alive. We came so close to the other alternative that the lack of variety and of choices in our lives shrinks in importance. As a stroke survivor, I actually suffered brain damage— aka losing (some of) my mind. It has been a decade plus and I have learned again to do small things I used to do with little thought, be it walking on an uneven surface, threading a needle, or retaining info I have read.
You are not going out of your mind. You are focusing on things that don’t matter as much as you thought they did. Let them go.