I tried unsuccessfully to restrain myself, but I must jump into the Harry-Meghan/Royal family fray. As irrelevant as it is to my life, I find myself avidly reading every article and perusing every picture. It's great escapism and a fascinating distraction. But I think there’s something more, something that is not unique to this particular couple and something that does impact all our lives.
What strikes me about the response to their decision to remove themselves from royal duties is the stern, judgmental nature of it. The criticisms of the royal couple seem to be unending, the media and even individuals on Instagram etc., relentless.
I don’t know if they’re making a good decision or bad one, a right one or wrong one but many others seem so sure. And their position always seems to imply not only that they (the observers who aren’t living their lives, who aren’t inside their world) know better. This is not just true of Harry and Meghan but of every famous person. We live in a world where ruthless negative judgments reign. And I believe this extends to individuals in our private lives as well. We can’t turn it on and off. If we are so quick to criticize people we don’t even know, I can only imagine our certainty about and our eagerness to attack those we do.
What I continue to wonder about this – whether it’s in the political arena, the Hollywood crowd, the Royal family or our personal relationships – is why we do this. Why are we so sure we understand the lives of others? Why are we so convinced they are wrong? Where is our compassion?
When we look at our own lives, do we see only perfection and complete consistency? Do we recognize the need to cut ourselves some slack, that sometimes we make decisions too quickly, that occasionally we may speak without thinking, that we could even be insensitive on occasion? Why don’t we extend this same courtesy and consideration to others?
The Talmud suggests that the things that most bother us in others are the things that most bother us in ourselves (or as my husband likes to say, “The politician that screams the loudest about family values is most likely to be caught in a hotel room in Las Vegas with…”). I think that’s true. But I think we can take it even further. We live in the age of customer reviews and reality shows and televised competitions and we’ve become inured to the pain of criticism, to the humiliation and embarrassment – at least when it comes to others. We think it’s funny; it’s entertainment; they asked for it by being public figures.
We are very sophisticated in our rationalizations, but the bottom line remains the same: We are very quick to judge; we leap to criticism; we are unforgiving. And we think that’s okay; we may even think it’s appropriate.
I think the test of this attitude would be if that same lens were turned on us. We might discover that we do indeed have some flaws, we do indeed make some mistakes and it’s actually quite hurtful when they’re aired publicly.
My information about Harry and Meghan comes from the same tabloids (I mean news sources) that everyone else is reading. I make no claim to privileged information. But I try to find some understanding and compassion for them, especially for Harry whose childhood trauma of losing his mother under circumstances that would of necessity make him publicity-shy must surely have shaped his adult responses.
And I think it behooves all of us to do the same. I recently read that there is a group of women in Jerusalem who meet regularly to draw up lists of reasons to judge someone favorably so that when the time comes and they are in a situation where they are tempted not to do so, they can turn to their list and rise above the temptation. I was blown away by this phenomenon and I think we should try the same thing here.
Wouldn’t it be nice to create a list of reasons to be compassionate towards another human being, reasons to treat them with love and understanding instead of scorn and rancor? Wouldn’t it be a good habit to sit around and think of reasons to look for the positive in every human being?
We are told that the Almighty judges us the way we judge others. Based on this crucial idea, I wouldn’t want to be a reporter for many of today’s media outlets. And I would like to create that list of justifications for exercising compassion. It may begin with Harry and Meghan, but I hope it ends with the people who I truly do know and love.
(48) JUDY YAZERSKY, February 5, 2020 5:28 PM
royalty is royalty whether you are jewish or not
When I read about their decision to "leave" their royal duties, I thought of how a Jew can never leave their "royal duties" as well. We are born a Jew and have duties to fulfill. We cannot wake up one morning (or if you pardon the expression- after we marry out of the faith) and decide that we no longer want to be a Jew. We are expected to fulfill a role and pass it down to our children. We can try to shirk these responsibilities, but someone will always remind us who we are and watch how we behave. whether we are a royal from the British empire or a royal from the house of Aaron.
(47) Anonymous, January 22, 2020 1:33 AM
Thanks to Aish.com that we as orthodox Jews were allowed to follow and comment. Most of my friends - strong FFB's - do not know what it's talked about or that a Prince might exist. This is how Generations changes their Interests. 80 years ago, this is what every haymishe grandmother knew to appreciate: it had even an impact on babynames! Queen Sissy was my grandmother's favorite royal babyname. - The Royal couple settling in into new lifestyle. I wondered today if my chapter is finished by today - It brought me back to childhood plus 12 years: I guess what one can learn from it is that the Aybershter has His Shlichim for His Shidduchim and the Aybershter hears all Tefillos no matter where you or who you are. No matter if everything's true - I could at least witness one more time Hashem's Great Name being manifested. Hazlucha to you all.
(46) Anonymous, January 20, 2020 9:58 AM
Deducting a Heir 1
We all know that Hashem did create the World for one Purpose only: to serve HIM - the Abershter. When Princess Diana died my reaction was, that she went too far: You married a Prince - you have to stick to it. For me it was a mere Example for the Future - Look that is what happens to someone if they believe they can play by different Rules in a Royal House. -I admit - I had tears and beseeched Heavens for two Orphans, but i don't think that a Prince can or should change his STATUS! A Prince nevertheless stays a Prince and is NEVER ALLOWED TO FORGET HIS STATUS. It's even a jewish Principle: and you have to get dresses accordingly - to your Status. Also for the Child Archie (Alexander Charles): It's not a CHOICE. We know from History that Royals (Kings and Queen) are bound to the CHURCH. They cannot quit, and defintely not give up Titles for their own good health. Simply because a Prince and a Princess are born - by Hashem - and have to keep up to be an Example to the World for Charity no matter what. They have to were Godly Names - that's history. That's Church - that's the common Wealth. So - if you read that the Royal Couple could choose to be in or out - it'ss a distorted truth. THEY DID NOT GET WHAT THEY WANTED! And the how about Tax will Canadian effect is still an open question- no effecitve plans were taken.
A Prince has to choose and play well by the Rules of the Royal House - be a Buddhist, eat a kosher Diet, choose some Nannies but all in private and quiet. The rest is Tradition for Life and Death. It means no divorce - no extra wishes - no extra cake to be fat!
May we all reap in Joy, Love, Peace and Happiness! Shulem
(45) steven finer, January 19, 2020 7:51 PM
Well said! Thank you!
Better to work on ourselves first. Leave the judgements to HaShem
(44) Judy Poretsky, January 19, 2020 3:14 PM
my feelings exactly
They have a right to decide their own future. I feel the tabloids had a say in their decision..
(43) Steve, January 19, 2020 11:35 AM
When to Judge
Never judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they'll be a mile away and without shoes :-)
(42) Anonymous, January 19, 2020 9:33 AM
I do have a solution for a happy prosperus "calmer" approach for the Royal heirs:
Split the Pot!
The Duke of Sussex and his wife are hopefully being crowned now to be King and Queen of Canada. For the Duke of Cambridge it's England and for Prince Charles the rest of the Kingdom. What do we have Kings for brought down to the World by Hashem? The Brocho says it all: May they bring goodness to the people. Imagine all Cohanim will go bless 3 new Kings after being crowned. It would bring goodness to the world. Plenty of people would try to get to bless them what means tourism. A Prince is simply born a Prince - Prince Harry is a beloved Prince. May the Prince and His wife be crowned in Public in Canada by the Queen and the traditional procedures. They knew what they were born for. They knew what duties await them. They have done a good job. now it's time to bring the blessing down to the people on earth - trhee men, three times.
(41) Joyce Glunt, January 19, 2020 7:06 AM
Baby Archie
I understand Meg and Harry's desire to live as they please. My first fear was for Archie. Who will protect him in Canada? I know that God can protect him and Harry. I also know there will be less protection for them in the real world of Canada. Meg has come to them from a dangerous world.
(40) Anonymous, January 19, 2020 2:07 AM
I like your honesty. The Royal couples are all about Hashem's compassion and how we should strive to be the same like Hashem. I was a teenage girl when tragedy hit the royal couple: I felt that I should at least have some prayers for the royal kids left behind. Coming from a haymish hungarian family with a tremendous love for children, it came naturally to me. I wanted the royal boys to be happy and this meant to be happily married: They should always be able to enjoy the legacy of the beautiful smile that their Mother left behind in the orphans memory. I view today the pictures of the Royal couples being married to what I once cried in tears to heaven. I can witness Hashem's compassion everyday just having a glance at them. They are allowed to go about their private lives as much as needed, including the move to Canada. On the other hand, the Torah Perspective demands that you should not forget your status nevertheless. It's o.k to reconsider duties - we are humans and do this everyday so often. Only if you are born a Prince, naturally your kids are born Royals and your are not allowed to forget, for the sake of your children. SECURITY MUST be taken and Canadians have to show their integrity. It's a duty to welcome a Royal and show some integrity to secure their lives. We all would want the same if we are some famous jewish Royals settling down in Australia or somewhere else in the world.
Let me mention that for those who forgot: There is a Mitzvah. an obligation, for a Jew to daven for the Prosperity of a King/Queen. We say a Brocha on a gentile King as well on a Jewish King. May we continously witness the compassion from our Creator of all Souls, in order to manifest His Name once again on this world. Shalom
(39) Mona Kravitz, January 18, 2020 11:18 PM
judgment
excellent lesson, always good to be enlightened.
(38) Canuck, January 18, 2020 4:32 PM
Bad news
I hope this is fake news. But it has been reported that the trademark "The Royal House of Sussex" was recently registered by an American entrepreneur, & it's now his property. And it so happens that this entrepreneur has a conspicuously Jewish name. At a time of rising antisemitism, this kind of Jewish aggressiveness can't do us any good.
(37) Linda Rozar, Chap, January 17, 2020 4:17 PM
Great thoughts..kudos!
This is HOW we love God..love our neighbor..Royals or other!
(36) Anonymous, January 17, 2020 12:31 PM
I couldn't agree more.
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I was feeling as I read articles about the royal couple. I couldn't agree more.
(35) Anonymous, January 17, 2020 8:03 AM
Your comments on Meghan and Harry.
Though it seems you are logically looking at Harry and Meghan that is exactly the trick the media is playing on you . This is only in part one of the P.R. campaign and the world knows it. They will appear to be a nice couple that only wants to help people. And then they will be seen with their friends from " radical left wing politics" at parties and the young people will all think that their friends radical friends are all lovely as well. And of course Israel is the "evil empire" for this group .
Sadly the Talmud does not cover " P.R. tricks " that G-D wants us to beware of.
(34) Anonymous, January 17, 2020 12:42 AM
Thank you
Awesome. Not sure they Needed to be so public but its done v
(33) sc, January 16, 2020 10:38 PM
refreshing to read nice comments
we surely do not know "what" Harry came to know about his mother's life and death....but , one thing is certain.....he wouldn't want a repeat performance regarding his wife, and that is more admirable than an acting Royal role. May they both be blessed with happiness and long life.
(32) Brenda Williamson, January 16, 2020 6:51 PM
I agree, wholeheartedly!
Brenda
(31) zlate1, January 16, 2020 5:43 PM
I am Harry and Meghaned out.
The royal family's trials and tribulations have no bearing on my life or the lives of ordinary people. Their behavior and beliefs are not something that I admire or wish to emulate. The feeding frenzy of the press is disgusting. I just wish the seven day wonder of it would go away already. Any person who becomes famous for whatever reason has to pay the price of public scrutiny. Know before you go that route.
(30) Anonymous, January 16, 2020 3:18 PM
Kudos
Thanks for a very timely article. I hope that many people read it and it changes their ways.
(29) Abbe, January 16, 2020 6:44 AM
Life
I'd like to say I was a 'Royal watcher's for years. I stayed up all night to watch 'The' wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana in 1981. For years, people and the press scrutinized Lady Diana's every move with glee. I was saddened by their divorce and cried at her death. Books, newspapers and magazines travel to hook us to a ' Walt Disney fairy tale life. ' If journalist don't create drama in people's lives, they don't make money The majority of the people in any country will never get to know the' Royals' upfront and close, but people are dreamers and get caught u in the news media's web. In truth, it is more exciting that as a Jewish woman, I have a heavenly King, Hashem, who will not divorce me, not hang out on the 'bad side of town'.We have the Torah.It is the greatest love story evrHashem saved us in perilous times. We have a happy ending with the 'Master of the universe'. So, let's not get so dramatic over mere mortals lives but rather get out our Torah Reread the story of the Exodus and all of Tanakh we see Hashem is sending the Moshiach to help bring the world back into order.Let's get excited about our covenant with Hashem and buy Jewish books where we can live honest, moral lives. We need to put down the binoculars and put on our reading glasses and read Torah and Tanakh,just to start off with amongst many other great Jewish writings. If your life seems dull, read about our history and our future in Torah.Give tzadakkah instead of wasting money on stories of people we will never meet or live their lives. I notice no comment on praying for people instead of hashanah Hora.If you must 'bindge' on a story, binge on Torah. The Torah is the only truthful 'happily ever after' with our Kng, Hashem..
(28) Anonymous, January 16, 2020 4:35 AM
Totally Overlooked Extreme Criticism of Meghan Markle
Don't see how in the world you could write an article about this and not even mention how horrible Meghan Markle has been treated by the tabloids. It has everything to do with her being black, yes I know her father is white. They have dwelled non-stop on the messiness of Markle's half-siblings and twisted everything Meghan has done into a negative while praising Kate Middleton non-stop. This is painful to watch but this is racism in all of it's ugliness. Prince Harry and Meghan deserve better.
I wish them both peace.
(27) ross, January 15, 2020 4:24 PM
Stay away
And what about a Jew who decides to marry out. We shouldn't be judgmental?
It's different? Why? From our perspective, we have opinions which others don't truly understand. From the Royal's and English perspective, they have their opinions which we don't truly understand. They shouldn't be involved in our stuff, and we-should-not-be-involved (or attentive in any way!) to their stuff.
Just move on....nothing to see here.
(26) Claire Lazerson, January 15, 2020 7:40 AM
I think they are fair to all
Harry (from royal family in Great Britain) and Meghan (from the U S) said they would spend 6 months in each country. That is definitely fair to all relatives on both sides. So what's the big fuss? They're doing the right thing..
(25) Gary Tolchinsky, January 15, 2020 7:39 AM
Self-Compassion First
Agree with this article, but at times we can actually much harsher and judgmental with ourselves than anyone else. This attitude can then project onto others, be they friends or celebrities.. If we truly had compassion and acceptance of our limitations, this could be reflected in the way we judge others.
(24) Pamela Kahane, January 15, 2020 2:59 AM
Thanks for the reminders
Thank you Emuna, you you've given me a lot to think about. As a society we seem to have forgotten that while the internet put information at our fingertips we are still responsible for what we do with that information. I have no problem judging Harry and Meghan favorably, showing the same compassion for the people close to me has been a problem.
(23) Dina, January 14, 2020 10:14 PM
Certain behaviors are appropriate to judge
Whereas Emuna has a very good point about refraining from judging others as a general rule, I believe this is not the correct example to use. I think the negative press and public opinion about Harry and Meghan stem from the perception of a pretty obvious lack of hakaras ha tov, as well as lack of kibud av ve aim - for his father and grandmother, not to mention his older brother. There are ways to handle dissatisfaction, but it is not correct to do it via twitter and facebook. These are generally accepted moral values and it is gratifying that most "normal" people see through them and recognize these principles.
As well, they said that they want the titles, free royal household and taxpayer funded security, but want to "become financially independent" via profiting off the royal house that they want nothing to do with. So I believe it is not that we are judging their ultimate desire to be more independent, like any other couple, we are judging their lack of morality in how they are going about it.
Anonymous, January 15, 2020 7:43 AM
Good Point, Dinah
My thoughts exactly, expressed better than myself.
(22) Lois Mushonga, January 14, 2020 9:57 PM
A very humbling article and very true that we need to exercise more compassion for each other. I pray we take time to reflect and not rush into judging other people, no matter what we think we know about them.
(21) laurence shear, January 14, 2020 9:22 PM
Great article and spot on
This is a great article using the royal couple as a focusing element. The phrase common in many group therapy settings is "if you spot it, you got it" . I have seen this proven true time and time again across a wide socio-economic sample. The "why" is fairly simple, it is our ego seeking superiority over others. No matter the reason behind it, the habit creates more negativity than positive in our thought patterns. It also falls under the category of loshan hora (SP?). The cure is the same as you said, 1. Awareness 2. Compassion 3. Gratitude. The incentive is more positive thoughts, more love, more joy Gratefully, LNS
(20) burtb, January 14, 2020 8:18 PM
they want the benifit of being a royal without the responsibility
What I object to is they want to be excused from their duties as a Royal, but they still want to retain the marketing rights.
They have retained a website and a twitter handle that highlight their Royal title "duke and duchess of Sussex"
They have begun the process of selling mugs and tee shirts.
That seems exceptionally self serving.
They should give up both or keep both, but the pick and choose part is
(19) Ronald Brumel, January 14, 2020 7:48 PM
Royals we love
I don't follow the British royals, but, following the tragic death (and life) of Diana, I'm interested in how her sons turned out.
So, from a distance, I've come to enjoy Harry, and choosing Meghan, an African American as his life partner, despite all of the prejudices that the royalty is based upon (divine right?), to me illustrates that he's following in what would have been his mother's footsteps.
Who are the critics? Hard to imagine anyone being critical of a royal elecrting to leave the fold in 2020. But then again, we're living in the age of pointing and projecting, so it's understandable on that level. But on the level of those who choose to be critics, I say, "Get A Life!!!" Amen.
(18) Graciela Gerber, January 14, 2020 7:42 PM
Harry and Meghan
As long as they do not demand anything from the Crown (money, protection, etc) it should be their choice If they’re able to support themselves, no one should criticize them
(17) ERVEN ROVINSKY, January 14, 2020 7:18 PM
THEIR LIVES ARE NOT THEIR OWN.
DON"T JUDGE OTHERS UNTIL YOU WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES.
(16) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 6:46 PM
My Feedback an Takeaways
I completely agree with everything the author has written in her article. We live in a world where we are ready to judge others, without taking inventory of our own short comings. My heart goes out to Meghan, Harry and their precious son, Archie who will someday have to deal with the fallout of the negative comments that have plagued this family. I hope and pray “all”individuals will allow them to live their lives and go about their daily business. Finally, I hope individuals that continue to judge Meghan and Harry will take a step back and ask themselves, what is the real motivation for reporting negative comments? I hope reporters, news networks and tabloids will focus on writing about the positive things Meghan and Harry are doing by continuing his mother’s legacy.
(15) Mario Zamora, January 14, 2020 6:21 PM
Confusing
You say, .”..as my husband likes to say, “The politician that screams the loudest about family values is most likely to be caught in a hotel room in Las Vegas with…”). I think that’s true.” Respectfully, maybe your own advise here could help your husband and you too to be more compassionate w leaders because otherwise no one will talk about family values.
(14) Rachel, January 14, 2020 4:25 PM
We are all G-d’s children
Compassion should be the first response to people going through a difficult time. I likewise don’t understand the focus on minor royals (barring a disaster, Harry and Archie will never be King) and celebrities. While we need to know the positions and virtues of those running for office so we can be informed voters, that is not the same as the gossip about people who have nothing to do with us.
(13) Carol, January 14, 2020 4:14 PM
This article is relevant and very well said.
Very well expressed column about our very judgmental and unforgiving society. Very appropriate is the suggestion to look for ways to look favorably on others. If everyone did so our world would be a much more positive place; anger and hatred would be greatly diminished! We might even find that looking favorably upon all might impact, even soften, the haters who act to destroy.
(12) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 4:13 PM
Why we make critical judgements.
I appreciate this article. As the author does, I find myself drawn to every word about The Royals And I have no interest in following Hollywood stars.. What is it about the Crown that is so attractive? Maybe it is our need for a stable sense of dignity. I believe the Queen is so aware of her responsibility and duty to be above the fray. She is human and this cannot always be easy. Setting a standard and example of steadfast duty attracts us. After all she can’t go to the local pub and have a few pints and tell her friends how she really feels. We live in a world full of people who are like cut flowers. No roots, only meaning in life is to bloom for the day. And tomorrow there will be a new vase of cut flowers. I find myself very sympathetic toward the Queen, as a mother and grandmother. And with all the sympathy I muster for her, I am equally unsympathetic toward Meghan and Harry. Marrying into the Royal family, can’t be easy, but they knew the rules before the Wedding. It is amazing how it attracts us. Don’t we love it when Israel is steadfast and faithful to the rules, even in hardship?
(11) Marlene Forster, January 14, 2020 4:00 PM
Hurting someone else can never lead to your own happiness
Even tho she is the Queen, I believe he hurt his grandmother deeply by this move to separate himself from his family. Not spending the first Christmas with her great grandson? Christmas is very important to the whole British society. Why marry into it if you plan to destroy it? And only after so short a time? Just don’t read the tabloids and go about your business without breaking up a family.
(10) Balu Nivison, January 14, 2020 3:53 PM
I agree and thank you for raising this issue in its more appropriate light
I have found the harsh frenzied judgements of M and H very disturbing so I appreciate this article which addresss the issue from a more compassionate constructive kinder lens. I also appreciate the reminder about how the Talmud sees things and how to approach the matter from sound wise Jewish values.
(9) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 3:44 PM
Totslly agree with you.
People are not sympathetic towards the royals because from the start many were prejudiced about the inter-racial marriage. It has exposed the racial bitterness in hearts on both sides of the Atlantic. Many wish he had chosen their white daughter instead of a mixed race girl with no aristocratic background. Thus all the criticisms prior to this. Many hoped the marriage would break up. It is time we respect other people's decisions for themselves and get on with our own business.
(8) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 3:38 PM
I like your article very much. Thank you.
(7) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 3:37 PM
Judging
No mitzvah to judge them favorably...see Sefer chofetz Chaim
So why use THEM as an example?
Also, they are NOT only private individuals....and they are given MILLIONS of pounds to perform their duties.
Better to stay out of a dispute that you do not understand
(6) Susan Hirshorn, January 14, 2020 3:27 PM
Shouldn't those who live on taxpayer money expect to be "judged"?
Although your article sounds very nice, what do our Scriptures say, if anything, about judging those who are supported by taxpayer money? e.g. the Royal family. Actually, Harry and Meghan seem willing to forego further taxpayer support (and the constant scrutiny) by leading their own lives. However, until this happens, what right has anyone to censure the public for expressing opinions about their behavior?
(5) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 3:26 PM
Hashem is the only judge
Why is it anyone’s business what they do with their lives? Why don’t they have the freedom of choice? Are we living in the Middle Ages where you have to follow the profession of your father? As long as they’re not taking tax payers money for doing nothing they are entitled to the same freedom of choice we grant our own children.
(4) Anonymous, January 14, 2020 3:22 PM
royalty
you have to place yourself in the royal custom and traditions. If you are to marry into royalty. You have to behave differently for you are in the eye of the public. You wrote that not understanding the protocol of royals. they are not just hollywood celebrity. they are royalty and therefore require different protocols. Royals around the world. we have to display extreme discipline for the name of the Royal family and we do exempt ourselves from royal duty IF we are not disciplined or want to follow the protocols. next time you write about royals check their protocols and what their rules are.
(3) Jessica, January 14, 2020 3:22 PM
Harry & Megan Brouha
I applaud your article. I too have been mesmerized by the entire story and like you I am stunned and appalled by strangers lashing out at these two well-meaning people. I am unable to understand why people feel it so necessary to criticize and vilify others to the degree we see today. Poor Megan was even called a bad mother for leaving her son for 3 days here in Canada with (a) the nanny and (b) a very close family friend..... What makes people think they have the right to be so judgemental. And the media has no scruples over in the UK! No wonder these two young people want out. Good for them to want to carve their own path away from the unflinching and relentless criticism of the world....
(2) Eric Wood, January 14, 2020 3:02 PM
I agree with Emuna
I agree whole heartedly with Emuna. People make their comments because they can. They have the means so they do but so often their comments are negative and judgemental. They imply that the maker is perfect and needs no compassion. I don't agree with them but do agree with Emuna.
(1) Pam Beni, January 14, 2020 11:42 AM
Absolutely beautiful! That's taking the mishmeret lashon group, also originating in Jerusalem, a notch higher. ''שר כח!