Looking Good for Your Husband

I was just saying to my husband that I am doing this. (I've been slacking) We've hit a rough patch in our lives and Lately, there's little to dress up for. I find that I've got in a too, too casual rut. I've always been good about hanging up the phone or shutting the TV when he comes home, or cooking something he really likes, but lately dressing nicely has been an option not so often taken. Since men are visual it must matter, though in true good husband form, he tells me I look fine, beautiful even. I expect I'll even feel a little better as well. It may sounds silly and a little shallow on the surface but I can see the value of this advice. I have a number of valuable assets, as do we all, but it hits home that we dress for shul, meetings, work, and even errends. Perhaps, I could limit my husband seeing me in a sweatshirt to our trips to the gym together, mostly anyway.

While looking good for one's spouse (and this applies to men and women alike) is a priority, the extent of her concern in this article seems bizarrely misplaced. Plane rides are already long, tedious, uncomfortable experiences, as the writer admits. If she's wearing her nice clothes on a plane, when exactly is she "permitted" to wear a T-Shirt? Is the answer rarely, if at all?

In that case, I'd suggest a deeply problematic instance of valuing a husband's experience (of finding his wife attractive and knowing that she is concerned about his opinion) over and above his wife's actual experiences (physical discomfort, the knowledge that she is actively sacrificing her own preferences for his, etc.). Not a healthy way to build a relationship.

It's not about getting dressed up fancy. It's about looking good for your spouse. Casual =/= sloppy. There's nothing wrong with wearing a jeans skirt and a t-shirt if they fit and flatter.

The last thing, the very last thing of all, that I care for my wife to be concerned with when we travel is her looks. She ls beautiful to me whatever she wears. Truth to tell, I would be absolutely delighted if she never applied so much as a dab of lipstick, rouge, powder, eyebrow liner or other makeup ever again (multiply that by a thousand for perfume -- feh!). For fine dining, the theater, a dance performance, a museum show, I can easily live with the little glitz she expects of us both, but for the airborne sardine can? Pooh, pooh, pooh.

I find myself actually dressing better on the weekends than I do during my work week! I am always impressed that my husband is so much more well groomed than I am. He is clean shaven, freshly showered with a little cologne. I want him to know I appreciate what he does on my behalf, so when I go to grab the old t-shirt out of the closet being that it is a weekend, I get a change of heart. He always sees me like this, let's dress it up a bit!

I would like to comment on two issues facing the husband.1) I come home in the evening, walk thru the door. My wife is on the phone." Honey, I'm home" Her response, "Hi. I'll be right down". 45 minutes later, she's still on the phone. They can be talking about her friends ( phone companion) mother-in-law's cat. But that is female bonding. I get a glass of water, sit down on the couch with a sefer or magazine, feeling totally neglected. Why did I rush home? Just to sit alone!
Second. My wife can go out of the house to mail a letter, to go to the makolet, or whatever. I am at home. She will get dressed to "look well groomed". Before she throws her coat on, she looks at me and asks" How do I look?".It's important that she should look go for the postal clerk, or the girl behind the cash in the makolet.
Can I imagine coming home one day, and my wife looking at me and ask "How do I look?" I would ask her why she is asking. She would respond, Darling, I wanted to look well groomed for you".
A friend once commented, " the first 20 years of marriage is learning to care and share. The next 40 years are learning to tolerate."
I accuse the wife for actively making that transition.

It sounds like you're going through a hard time in your relationship. I think you should gently and lovingly tell your wife how much you enjoy her company and want more time together, giving examples of what you wrote here..
Good luck!

Do you dress nicely for your wife? Are you always home and looking good when your wife gets home from work? If not, why the double standard?

Yes it is honorable to look nice. I do believe though, that it is ok to undress after a long day at work and put on something more comfortable till bed time. There are chores to do at home along with taking care of children and lots of other things. Living with someone for the rest of your life shouldn't have to feel stressful as to always looking %100 good. It is ok and normal to feel comfortable and good by putting on relaxing clothing. No one said anything about how being comfortable and looking good can go hand in hand. Unless the man is the one working while cooking dinner, feeding the kids, leaning over the bathtub bathing the kids, doing laundry, cleaning the house, doing errands and so on, then he should not mind her garment. It is nice to always look good but it should not feel stressful! A healthy marriage should be more than what kind of makeup and clothing she is wearing.

No one said that the wife (or the husband, for that matter) has to be dressed up fancy all the time just to look good. It's OK to dress casual. The problem is sloppy. When I wear a fitted jeans skirt and fitted t-shirt in a pretty color, I feel great and my husband likes that.

I now realise it's important to look good for your man - meaning, shave your legs unless you are blonde, shave under your arms, etc. Brush your hair, shower. Get some pretty outfits and wear them. But it's not a heinous crime to wear sweatpants and a T-shirt around the house once in a while. I think make-up should also be a personal choice - I often think I look better without it.

My husband doesn't care how I dress in the home. And when he comes home from work, he immediately changes into comfortable clothes. He also doesn't like to spend money on clothing (for himself; he doesn't mind my spending for myself.) I would really like to see him looking nicer, but if I mention it, he tells me comfort is more important. He hates to go out, in part because he hates to get dressed up.
I've basically just accepted him as is. While I'd like us both to make more of an effort, it's more important how we treat each other in other ways, not just the superficiality of being dressed nicely.

This is what i occasionally say to my wife when she goes out looking shlubby, with no makeup. I say that "only an extremely self confident woman would go out looking like this."

The author made some valid pts. in this article It's important for a woman to look good for her husband (or potential husband), and often times "dressing the part" can make women feel more refreshed/uplifted. However, there are some additional points to make here...
Husbands have a responsibility to take care of their looks/health, too. Showering. Exercise. Clean clothes. Don't forget the deodorant. Is that asking too much?
More important than physical things, what about chesed? If I show up to the door when my husband gets home all "done up" but are unkind to him, G-d forbid, my negative attitude outshines my pretty face. I'm not minimizing the importance of taking care of oneself inside and out and realize that men tend to have a penchant for physical attractiveness, perhaps more than women (understatement of the year).

However, If we forget, G-d forbid, the wonderful, non-physical traits that make someone, including ourselves, attractive (personality, sense of humor, quirks, how hard a spouse works inside and/or outside the home) and focus solely on physical appearance, then G-d forbid
1) We're making attractiveness our primary value like goyim of the ages (from Ancient Greece to Hollywood)
2) "Looking attractive to one's husband" appears more like a 1950's American distopia rather than a wonderful component of shalom bayit it purports to be.

It's so easy and comfortable to be shlumpy at home. And I'd rather do without the pain-in-the-neck makeup.

I know, however, that I look FAR better with the cosmetics, being, as I am, the victim of very light eyebrows, long but invisible eyelashes, and aging, freckled, pale skin. While my husband says he can't tell the difference (I think he really believes it!), he is complimentary only when I've dabbed on the color and donned earrings. He may not know exactly what the difference is, but I do: a more attractive wife.

As retirees, we're home together most of the time. I started to put on the pounds and do without the makeup in the way many women my age, and even those younger by more than a decade, do. My 89-year-old mother, who has applied makeup every morning of her life since she was about 18, reminded me that my shlump look, as comfortable as it is, is to take my husband for granted.

This is not something to get feministic or defiant or angry about. We’re talking marriage here. It’s common sense: we want our spouses to find us attractive. Looking slovenly or unkempt is just not good business for the primary relationship of one’s life.

I agree with this 100%, but one thing I really appreciate is that Emuna didn't give any specifics. I've read articles that gave specific ideas, like wearing a shaytl or other things, and I found that just wrong. A wife should always be dressed clean, neat, flattering clothes and should always look groomed. But if that look involves a clean neat denim skirt and mitpachat (headscarf), it's no less valid than a straight black skirt and shaytl. Anyway, thank you Emuna for making an excellent point without getting too bogged down in specifics.

I too like to look good for my husband. I also cringe when I see people wearing pajama bottoms outside of the house. However, I see nothing wrong with wearing a nice t-shirt and sweats AT HOME. Don't get me wrong. I have thrown out many threadbare t-shirts and sweats with holes in them. Dressing in anything that shoddy is just plain wrong, and it certainly does show apathy towards ones husband. We can still be comfortable at home and look decent. Btw--I was intrigued by the alternate spelling of the word pajama.