Great news for parents! According to research by Marty Rossmann, professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota, giving children household chores at an early age helps to build a lasting sense of mastery, responsibility and self-reliance. (It seems the boy scouts were on to something.) “Chores also teach children how to be empathetic and responsive to others’ needs,” notes psychologist Richard Weissbourd of the Harvard Graduate School of Education.
There’s going to be a lot of housekeepers out of work!
Without getting carried away, this is an important finding – that of course seems obvious. Contributing to the family, giving to others is better for our character than an extra language and other resume-padding activities. It’s time to pull back from the brink.
We want our children to be givers. They won’t learn that at school or in the workplace; we need to teach them. We need to take the focus off of their accomplishments and put it back where it belongs – on the type of person they are. This isn’t easy because it is out of step with society. All their teachers and peers, all of our friends (Facebook and otherwise!) are promoting achievement, grades, Ivy League acceptances, promotions…We can caught up in the illusion. We can think it’s the best thing for our kids.
That’s why this Wall Street Journal (03/14/15) article “The Chore-Filled Path to Success” is essential reading. It takes us back to basics – not reading and mathematics but character development, who we are as human beings. It forces us to reflect on our real goals for our children – what we genuinely want versus what we’ve been co-opted to feel.
If the focus is all on grades and resumes and upwardly mobile careers, it is all too easy to become a taker, to live a life that’s all about me. No parent interviewed would honestly want that for our children yet that is the direction in which we push them. They may be happier, kinder, more fulfilled at a community college – but what will we tell our friends? We live in a world where ambition is all and material success is the mark of the man.
Yet the author of the piece, Jennifer Breheny Wallace, clearly has another definition of success in mind, a definition that aligns itself with Jewish understanding and focuses on being a mensch as opposed to being a Harvard graduate.
“Being slack about chores when they compete with school sends your child the message that grades and achievement are more important than caring about others.” No sane parent conveys this intentionally – but without reflecting on what we really want for our children and how to achieve it, we adopt this as our default position.
Like all lessons for our children, it begins with us. It begins with the choices we make and the actions they see. If we model giving, they are more likely to be givers. If we model taking…you can finish the sentence. If we are clearly more concerned about their skill with a clarinet than their caring for others, they will get the message. We have to internalize it first. We have to believe it first. We have to be committed to creating a mensch – a kind and thoughtful human being who is always there for others and puts them before himself. Even if he graduates at the bottom of his class…
(6) Chana, June 8, 2015 8:17 AM
Better late than Never
When I grew up I contributed lots in our single parent household.
However, my teenager sons re pretty spoiled, since I'm the one doing almost everything around the house....
O.K., they take the dog, the paper and plastic recycling (when needed), but I do all the cleaning, washing, fixing meals etc.
How can I start teaching them now?
Ages 18 and 15-16 boys.
Thanks for any responses
(5) Richard Polak, June 5, 2015 9:40 PM
Pay?
Emuna, should we pay them anything?
(4) Susan Anne Woolley, June 5, 2015 11:09 AM
should apply to any child
One day when I was little, I asked to help with doing the dishes. Mum was worried I'd break something. But Dad sensibly pointed out that if I didn't learn to help with chores early, then it was going to be harder when I reached adolescence. So I was stood on a chair, swamped in one of Mum's pinnies, with Dad standing by to supervise. As my brother & I grew up, we were given chores according to age and ability. We were also taught to cook. By the time, we were both moving on & building our own lives, we were quite able to fend for ourselves.
(3) ELISHEVA, June 4, 2015 4:20 PM
Finally!
thanks for this article!We raised our boys in a frum neighborhood and since we had lots of Shabbat guests and didn't have a maid ,our boys were expected to help with cleaning,cooking,etc. and all we ever heard was how other boys in the neighborhood never had to do anything in the house! It was true-when one of the boys went away to an out-of -town yeshiva he had to teach some of his fellow students how to use a washing machine!
(2) Anonymous, June 4, 2015 3:47 PM
2 questions
1.Should one offer to pay them an agreed amount of money?
2.Should I pass your article onto my daughter, who may possibly misinterpret my action as interfering in the way that she brings up her children?
Nancy, June 5, 2015 9:45 PM
To anonymous #2 Re: 2 questions
IMO, chores and money need to be separated. Parents can teach their children about money by giving them a weekly allowance and discussing how to handle the money they have been given. When it comes to chores, EVERYONE living in the household needs to step up and do all that he/she is capable of doing. As great as this article is, I agree that your daughter would think you are criticizing how she brings up her children.
(1) Nancy, June 1, 2015 12:18 AM
Let's remember to say thank you.
Many children may moan and groan about doing household chores. However, we should always remember to say thank you when the chores have been completed. There is a saying that housework done incorrectly still blesses the family. While I would not want to cook in a pot that was not thoroughly cleaned, I can still thank my child for putting in the hard work of cleaning said pot. I can then ask the child to please wash out the area that had not been cleaned. (This takes patience and time to teach the child what needs to be done). Let's not yell at our children because a task was not done perfectly.