It is the first day of my children's so-called Midwinter Vacation and I don't know if I can bear the next six days to come. As my friend and I debate whether the creator of the Midwinter Vacation concept was a sadist, a comic, or a bit of both, one thing remains certain: he or she was never a working parent with children!
Normally I really enjoy being with my kids. I cherish our special time together -- before school, after school, and on the weekends. But as things stand, I have another job, aside from my full-time parenting responsibilities. And that's where Midwinter Vacation really brings me to an impasse. Between phone calls to my boss in New York and a graphic designer in Israel, with children, pizza, and a loudly barking toy dog in the picture, I felt myself stretched very thin indeed. It was time for back-up.
The one bright spot of Midwinter Vacation is that it's a malady that affects not only my children, but every single child in the entire school. That means there are actually babysitters lying around with nothing to do. I eagerly pounced on the nearest family with babysitting-age kids, hoping against hope that one of them would be willing to bail me out.
"I'll send someone right over," Mrs. M. said cheerily, after patiently listening to my tale of woe. The angels sang.
"How much should I pay her?" I asked. Since the higher mathematics of babysitting wages have never been my forte, being upfront about the money puts me in a more comfortable position.
"One is okay," Mrs. M. replied.
Between my kids yelling and the noise on her end of the line, I had no idea what she was saying. "Excuse me?"
"One is good," she repeated.
"One?" Was there a form of currency that I was unfamiliar with? I was asking a simple question: How much should I pay your daughter?
"Yes," she patiently responded. "One dollar for the hour is fine. We like to keep the stakes low in our family."
I hung up the phone feeling shell-shocked, torn between utter astonishment at getting away with paying a babysitter a buck an hour, and embarrassment at essentially taking advantage of her services. But there was another, more predominant thought, and it was: Wow!
From an early age, I was driven to engage in various businesses and odd jobs. Make no mistake: I was in it for the money.
It's hard for me to relate to working for a dollar an hour. I think I was born with a heavily entrepreneurial streak and I never quite lost it. From an early age, I was driven to engage in various schemes, businesses, and odd jobs, ranging from summer camps to calligraphic services, and everything in between. Make no mistake: I was in it for the money.
I know I'm not alone in this not-so-secret motivational tool. Money is the driving force behind nearly every modern infrastructure in today's society. They don't call it the bottom line for nothing.
On the flip side of the coin, too much of an interest in money can lead a person down a slippery slope. Mrs. M.'s response got me thinking: what am I teaching my children about money?
No question, it is a delicate balance. On the one hand, we strive to teach our children to work towards financial independence by teaching them a work ethic, encouraging them to pursue lucrative careers, and modeling responsible spending. But on the other hand, how do we balance out the importance of money with the importance of, well, that which is not money -- namely, the truly important things in life?
I once saw a fantastic expression: We make a living with what we get; we make a life with what we give. In this context, Mrs. M., who feels it is best for her daughter to earn $1.00 per hour, has really mastered the beauty of the balance. She has woven into the fabric of her home the importance of values that far surpass anything money can buy.
Mrs. M. is essentially teaching her daughter this: Here's a woman (me!) who really needs your help. Chances are, she doesn't have a lot of money (correct!), and even if she did, there's something greater for you to achieve than a big chunk of change.
What could be greater than earning money? Doing a good deed, perhaps. Feeling a sense of self-worth for a job well-done that is not extrinsically rewarded, for another. She is not depriving her child of money entirely -- one dollar, after all, is something. In fact, she is doing her children a favor by keeping their expectations low. At the same time, she is certainly instilling a good work ethic and responsibility in her kids which will stand them in good stead later in life. All this, while understating the understated: money isn't everything.
Mrs. M.'s outlook on money has some pretty far-reaching effects. Her children are probably far from spoiled -- how could they be when they keep the materialistic stakes low? They are probably happier than the average American kid who needs constant material reinforcement to stay convinced of a certain sense of contentment. And the fact that the babysitter offered to come again tomorrow -- knowing she would only receive a small pittance for her efforts -- leads me to believe that Mrs. M.'s children do not feel deprived, taken advantage of, or mistreated.
As my children grow older, it is important for me to envision the way I would like to shape their concept of money -- as a tool or a vice; as a primary purpose or a means? But knowing that children live what they learn, the only person who I can really teach is myself. Mrs. M.'s values, imparted casually in the course of an almost mundane conversation, were a big wake-up call for me to examine my own inner constructs. I hope to be able to communicate to my own children that deep sense of priorities in life, while putting a perspective on all things financial.
So I paid my babysitter one dollar an hour. She left my house with a grand total of two dollars. And a goldmine of values far more valuable than any paycheck.
(27) Daniela, April 15, 2006 12:00 AM
what about...
...giving the girl two dollars and a big thank you, give the difference from the market price to tzedaka, and give her the receipt at the next occasion - it's her good deed after all. By the way your children will notice for sure.
(26) A mother in Jerusalem, March 9, 2005 12:00 AM
What ARE we teaching our kids about money?
What ARE we teaching our kids about money? My 12-year-old son happens to be a non-acquisitive type; perhaps it partly comes from always getting what he needs (though not always what he wants). When one of our neighbors saw that he likes sweeping up, she hired him to rake her yard in the fall. He worked diligently for 2 hours, and she paid him 6 shekel ($1.30). When he came home with his pay, I was incensed. For 2 hours of work, I thought she should have at least paid him an even 10 shekel ($2.30)! I politely told her this, and she sent over the difference. But what was my son's reaction? Just getting some money was fine for him, and he put it into his wallet and promptly forgot about it. If we as parents would put our emphasis more on the chesed part than the mercenary part, I daresay that our young children will grow up with more willingness to help others. And as they do Hashem's will in building His world with chessed, they will surely be blessed by Him with all the real income they need.
(25) MARCY, February 4, 2005 12:00 AM
WORTH READING
IT'S GREAT TO TEACH CHILDREN THAT MATERIALISM ISN'T EVERYTHING. IT'S GREAT & WONDERFUL TO DO CHASODIM FOR ANOTHER YID. HOWEVER, THE SUBJECT SHOULD STILL PAY FAIRLY (EITHER $$$WISE OR WITH A SPECIAL TREAT) SO THAT THE CHILD FEELS GOOD & HAS THE INCENTIVE TO WANT TO MORE GOOD IN THE FUTURE. TOCH LISHMA BO LISHMA! THANKS!
(24) Anonymous, February 4, 2005 12:00 AM
A parent of a special child comments
I think this is very appropriate for Parahss Mishpatim. Of course there is not a single answer for everyone. But if you have a special child of 17-18 years, who still needs a care worker every single moment of the day (e.g. when the parent goes to the store, or to work, or a simcha), I appreciate all the work these many people do, with or without compensation. Most people don't feel able to help at all, and those who perform these special ats of kindness should be blessed.
Let me mention a story. For a period of time, we couldn't get anyone to help at all, any time of the day. My wife went to the local high school and said that she can't understand how not even one girl from this school ever agrees to come over and help her. The principal gave a talk for the class, and as a result we now have two tenth graders who very ofren help, (of course, we do pay).
(23) GLORIA SAMANO, February 4, 2005 12:00 AM
I THANK G' AND YOU FOR YOUR KIDNESS
I HAVE LEARNED IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE EXACTLY TIME OF MY LIFE
THAN YOU
(22) Beth, February 3, 2005 12:00 AM
A Lesson for Both Parties
I think that both the babysitter and Mrs. Pomerantz can learn a valuable lesson here. The babysitter learns the value of chesed and the qualities that make an Eishes Chayil, and Mrs. Pomerantz can learn the value of being a generous employer. Mrs. Pomerantz knows that looking after three children is a daunting task for an adult...so for a young girl, it will certainly be a challenge. In lieu of major cash compensation, perhaps Mrs. Pomerantz can a) remember that she should pay fair wages if she expects work that is above and beyond simple childcare for a couple of hours and b)take time to help out the babysitter with schoolwork or reference letters or even just providing a kind shoulder by taking this thoughtful girl out for coffee once in awhile to see how she is.
(21) Anonymous, February 3, 2005 12:00 AM
On the other hand, caregivers in general seem to be at the bottom end of the pay scale. And is not what they do worth the most??? ie caring for our children and parents, our most valuable "possessions".
(20) Anonymous, February 3, 2005 12:00 AM
A babysitter's viewpoint
Coming from a different view, I would like to say that I myself am a babysitter. I know the feeling of grudgingly accepting a babysitting job feeling like I had better things to do with my time instead.
My mother would always tell me, think of it as getting paid to do your homework. This Mrs. M.'s take on it is quite similar, however, she puts it in a better light - remove yourself from the rat race of how much money can I make, and think of it instead as - your getting paid to do a Chesed.
I'll tell you, I get paid $6 an hour, and still come out of it feeling cheated. That's because I was brought up thinking it's all about how much money you can get out of it.
Come on, this girl is a teenager - 13, 14, maybe 16 even - she lives at home and doesn't have to provide for herself yet. What does she need the money for anyway? Yes, you'll say she must learn to save for the future, etc., but, hey, she is getting a dollar. She is learning that lesson for the future. And at the same time, she's learning an even more important lesson which Ms. Pomerantz has so explicitly pointed out, which many business-minded adults may not be able to realize: The most important thing in this world is NOT - contrary to popular belief - money!
I didn't learn that when I was young, and therefore I will tell you this. If you have that attitude, where money is end all and be all, no amount of money will satisfy you.
But when you do Chessed, you don't expect to be paid, so the extra few dollars (even if they are "only" 2) is an added bonus, to sweeten the Mitvah. It also gives the girl a bit of time to grow up before being thrown into the unending thirst for money - and maybe with her upbringing, she never will come to that point.
I can understand, however, why adults may fail to see Ms. Pomerantz's point. It is the very thing that Mrs. M. is trying to stop her daughter from becoming - to have money so ingrained in her that she cannot even fathom someone being paid $1 an hour.
Well, at least Mrs. M.'s daughter can appreciate the lesson (as Ms. Pomerantz pointed out, the girl offered to come again) if no one else can!
And, to address those who may think that Ms. Pomerantz is some kind of slave driver who's taking advantage of the poor girl, I'd like you to consider something - she asked how much to pay, and was surprised at only paying $1. This means that she was obviously prepared to pay more than that, probably a considerable amount more (and "considerable amount" in these terms mean maybe 4 or 5 dollars more, the going rate). Obviously, she would appreciate the lesser expense, but she seems to have been willing to pay more.
So, from a babysitter's point of view, I can share Ms. Pomerantz's amazement.
WOW, someone in this world is educating her children in a wonderful way, so opposed to the contorted views of the world.
So lets all just sit back, relax, and consider that there are other mindsets and values besides our own.
(19) Anonymous, February 2, 2005 12:00 AM
Afterthought to "Perhaps"
It would seem Ms Pomerantz that you have made a couple of real friends for isn't truthfulness one of the roots to true friendship?
(18) Isaac, February 2, 2005 12:00 AM
Same teaching but different method
I agree with some of the responses where it is wrong to pay a child $1. I do not think the child learnt any lesson, besides not being worth more than a dollar. Consider a conversation this child has with her friends who also babysit. They all will mention their "fair market value" wage, while this girl mentions she only received a dollar. Might not be too good for her self esteem.
What should be done to teach the same lesson is to pay her market value, and her mother should request the the child take 10% of her earnings and dontate it to her favorite charity. This way the child earns her money, plus she learns to help others in need.
(17) Mordechai Dovid Levine, February 2, 2005 12:00 AM
Lessons for everyone
Mrs. M understood that the author could not afford the going rate, but to do a chesed for her and not to make her feel like a taker, she charged her $1/hr. The $2 taught a lesson to 2 people (which will spread to more) and did it with dignity. It could be very well that she gets the going rate at other houses. Perhaps Mrs. M explained to her daughter that if she does this chesed - she will not lose and good will come to her.
There were times we have paid the sitter the going rate and other times were the girls refused money (they said they needed chesed points for school). A wise mother knows how to train her children in chesed.
I am sure that there will be a day when the author will send her children to do a chesed for another without seeking financial reward.
Keep up the good work. All the best, MDL
(16) Anonymous, February 2, 2005 12:00 AM
it's a great lesson!
I think the babysitter can learn a lot from the message her mother is teaching her. baruch hashem, girls these days don't have to support themselves. Her mother pays for her food, clothes, and other neccessities, and i'm sure - also a few luxuries. the money she is earning is not meant to keep her alive... this girl is learning that it's very important to help others and do chesed. as for the author's kids - the payment is not meant to reflect their worth - mothers watch their kids for free all the time! They are learning from here that when they have an oppurtunity to help someone else they should. They are learning not to think only about themselves. Thank you for an amazing article with a great lesson for all of us to learn!
(15) Do Lern Hwei, February 1, 2005 12:00 AM
A show of neighbourliness
I think that you are right in a way that Mrs M is trying to teach her child that money isn't everything here. Probably the reason for the low rate she wants her child to be paid reflects on her consideration that you are staying quite close. She wants to do you a favour in a way.
(14) Faye Beyeler, February 1, 2005 12:00 AM
and on the other hand. . .
Thank you for your essay about values and non-materialistice ideals. But there is another side to this: how much is looking after children worth? While you claim that the babysitter, as well as your children, learned valuable lessons about materialism, I submit that you and the babysitter's mother taught them all another lesson as well - that looking after children isn't very valuable at all, that it is only worth one dollar an hour, and that working at a "real job" is what really matters. I would beg you to re-evaluate what messages you are sending your children, while looking for value of your own.
Respectfully,
Faye Beyeler
Santa Clarita, CA
(13) Deborah, February 1, 2005 12:00 AM
Way to go!
I'm grateful, not only for the insightful article, but for the last few people who wrote in with a more positive spin on the chesed part of the story. I think it's beautiful that a mother should teach her child values in that way, and with a 16 month old at home now, I hope I too can do the same someday. After reading the first slew of comments, I was shocked that people just don't "get it."
(12) ZS, February 1, 2005 12:00 AM
How beautiful and well-thought-out a lesson! With sensitivity to the child's wants and needs the mother managed to teach her daughter a fundamental and most beautiful lesson in life.
Thank you for sharing!
(11) Anonymous, January 31, 2005 12:00 AM
good going!
I commend this article and those involved in the story. I was a teenaged babysitter a few years ago. I did it for the money (also loved the kids) and filled my bank account for my wedding, other things. But I was very mercenary about it - accepting the higher paying jobs, etc. Yes, it was good to have the money. But I missed the whole concept that I was doing a chesed for the parents I worked for. I would have loved someone to point that out to me. Parents who can remind their children of this, and enforce the message by indicating that salary is not the main thing, are to be commended. Life is not always about equal give an take. Sometimes you just give.
How can that home-schooling mother believe that self-esteem is tied to how much we make per hour? Many people work in non-profit organizations who could be making much more in other jobs. That seems like one of the points Mrs. Pomerantz is making - neither individuals nor actions should be valued because of what they net per hour.
This, of course, assumes that kids are being provided with what parents feel (not what the kids imagine)are their real needs.
(10) Anonymous, January 31, 2005 12:00 AM
Teaching children the value of money
I have seen both children and adults who first see the dollar value before the social value of working for/helping someone. I agree with the author's praise for the other mother's focus on the chessed first and the pay second. There are too many families in our world where children feel entitled to huge allowances and where children feel that housework has nothing to do with them. It is painful to watch parents try to persuade such children to help their parents and feel the need to bribe them with more money. Those cases are illustrations why “payment for services rendered” can be detrimental to family life.
Perhaps that other mother offers her own children a dollar an hour for extras they volunteer to do around her house and wants to be consistent so that outside helping isn't more attractive to them. We do not know the age of the babysitter to know whether a real after school job is an option. I suspect not.
There are all sorts of factors in the dollar value equation that we, the readers, do not know. The babysitting in question may have been as simple as just being in the house while a 4-year-old took a nap, and the babysitter in question may have been as young as 12-years old.
Putting a value on one's time is a not an easy call to make when the basic function is to help another person (even when they are hiring you). I have a really hard time with this one, myself.
Other commentators have declared that the author was wrong to pay the babysitter what the other mother asked and leave it at that. But, what choice did the author have? She could stay out of the other mother’s value system and not hire the babysitter at all. She could hire her and pay her exactly what she asked. Or, she could hire her and then pay her more. The latter might offend the other mother and might cause her friction with her own child. At best, she would probably ask that child to put the extra cash in the tzedakah box.
I think the author’s point was to observe another mother’s teaching her child to help a neighbor in need and be impressed by it. She was not trying to take advantage of a child. I think that she is still uncomfortable with the way things turned out and wrote the article to see how the community reacted to it.
If I were she, I would probably look for ways to return the kindness this family offered by helping her. Passing along a kindness is always a good choice.
(9) Anonymous, January 31, 2005 12:00 AM
good for her!
when my daughter started babysitting, we had a conversation about money. the going rate in my area is at least $5 an hour - which we both (my daughter and i) thought was ridiculous. we now have a policy - $4 an hour, but yeshiva families (who typically don't have as much to spend) only pay $3. my daughter understands that she deserves to get paid for what she does, but she also understands that she can do chesed at the same time. there have been a few complaints from people who wanted to pay her more, but she stood firm and told them that she didn't need the extra money and that if they wanted to they could give it to tzedaka. i personally am grateful to the people who charged me less when i needed a babysitter and couldn't afford the typical rates - and i'm glad my daughter has her priorities straight.
(8) Bob Burg, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
I respectfully disagree with the author
Good morning. While I appreciate Ms. Pomerantz sharing with us, I must respectfully disagree with the premise of this article.
It seems to me that the babysitter's mom is teaching her "lack" and that "money is inherently a bad thing."
Why do I say this? Because she is doing an "either/or" (either money or kindness, when both are important in order to live a healthy life and lifestyle. And, having one not only need 'not' take away from the other, but can add to it).
Actually, earning money is a kindness in itself. In a free enterprise based society, the amount of money you make is directly proportional to how many people you serve.
There is no shame in making money when you provide an excellent service to those who need or want it.
Benefits of making money: you can support yourself, you can give more charity dollars to others, you can teach others how to make money, you can spend more money (which helps others to make money), you can invest more money, you create a prosperous economy for everyone.
Of course, if someone is in need and you choose to work for less in order to help them, that's wonderful. But to "only earn a dollar" because you want to keep expectations low is unhealthy. It's giving money more power than it deserves (while it seems just the opposite).
The article had excellent intention but, in my opinion, sends an incorrect message.
Regardless, I thank Ms. Pomerantz for sharing as she so willingly does.
(7) Curtis, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
A thought
In this story I see a point missed by Bob in the one dollar wage the one who sent the sitter out is supporting her, she is not on her own or in need of a lot at this point of her life. Children like most people do not think of giving unless they are thought the value of money. If she learns how to take care of the small amount one day she will be given much it may be the moms teaching the young person to take care of the dollar before more is given more. A thought I had in mind maybe the sitter did not need the money but not to make the one hiring the sitter feel out of place for doing it free for in the day and age we live in money talks and non-since walks. Bottom Line people want it cheaper and not caring what the person is going threw I had a boss who was a bottom line person I hurt my hand and his remark was is you are not hart get back to work and make me money was the massage but because of Osha laws and reg. they took me in to the clinic to get check out I was fine.
Maybe this person need the lesion of the dollar and not to get all the dollars out of the employees people make you money and you in return make some and what you do with it makes you have some or have lack.
Kindness is in the heart money dose not make you do things. It is a reflection of what is in there and all money is, is a tool to let you do what you want or were taught to do. Bye for now.
(6) helen schwab (Chaiah), January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
If the babysitter's family is wealthy, and she or he gets all her/his needs from them, and they ask their daughter or son to work for under the usual pay rate as a kindness to the other family, then I say, go for it. But there should be clarity about this with all involved, or the babysitter is being used unfairly. And she/he will soon hear from her/his friends what the going rate is! Also, in some families the babysitter really needs the money she/he earned, and the going rate is important her/him.
(5) Anonymous, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
Wow!
Rare in today's society to be able to pull that off -- to have a child actually do this for $1! We push chesed and chesed activities from school but even that is done because it is mandatory! I envy and ADMIRE the mother who is able to persuade her kid to do this on mid-winter vacation! Most of us are battling GIVING our kids $ for their vacation but it is not enough --they want more and more! So kudos to Mrs. M for continued hatzlacha with these values and I am taking this article home to show my kids the value of $1.
(4) Hildy Bornstein, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
Modern Day Midrach!
I look forward to reading the true stories that are sent to me. Not only do they redirect my thinking, give me food for thought, and "entertain" me, but they also inspire me to live my religion more fully.
(3) Jo Ann, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
user
You s hould pay a fair market price for services and $1.00 per hour isn't it. You took advantage of the girl with or without her mother's consent. You were wrong.
(2) Anonymous, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
What about self-worth?
What about self-worth? By insisting that her daughter receive only $1.00 an hour while others get at least $5.00 sends a message that her services are not as worthy as that of her friends. Like it or not, we compare ourselves to our peers and if this mother is concerned about teaching the value of money, a better solution might be to have the youngster pay for many of the things that she wants; but allow her to earn the money in the real world.
(1) Anonymous, January 30, 2005 12:00 AM
Disagreement with Ms. Pomerantz
I also respectfully disagree with the author of this piece. When it comes to my children's welfare, I would never look for the bottom line/lowest amount. Paying a babysitter $1/hr. is demeaning to both parties! The sitter is paid less than the work is "worth." And the parent conveys the message that "my children aren't worth it." What would happen if your employer, Ms. Pomerantz decided NOT to pay you what your services normally command, to teach you the value of "chesed" or "tzekdakah?" Too often our children are the victims of this sort of mindset. We value them right at the bottom of our priority list. I'm a homeschooling MOm so I don't understand the original issue here. The kids were off from school for a week in Jan. or Feb. when the parents were expected to be in at work? These dates are on school calendars far in advance so parents CAN indeed make arrangements for their children during the period in question. If I was a child in this situation I'd get the double message of doom: One, my mom values me less than her work, and Two, she values me so little that she's willing to pay a babysitter $1/hour. That's tough for a kid's self-esteem. AS to the mother of the babysitter who so willingly allows her child to earn only $1/hour babysitting, something is wrong here as well. If the child is old enough to be responsible for caring for others' children, then that child is old enough to set his/her own wages for his/her own services. It should be the BABYSITTER'S call. And how much more powerful it would be if the Sitter would regularly donate wages to tzedakah - of his or her own will!