Based on the just-published book, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice
Never Yell Again!
Is that really possible? No! When our toddler runs into the road, we'll be yelling for sure. And we might also yell when our teenager upstairs can't hear us over the blast of his music. But what we can realistically hope to accomplish is the eradication of everyday yelling -- the kind of noise we make when our kids don't listen.
Why Bother?
Many people don't think yelling is such a terrible thing. They say it is just an honest expression of feelings and it's even good for you because it releases unhealthy tension.
Boy, are they wrong. Research shows that yellers are at greater risk for heart disease than non-yellers.(1) Judaism teaches that yelling is not "an honest expression of feelings" but rather a form of verbal abuse. Spouses and children who are regularly yelled at know just how damaging this form of communication can be. Therapists fill their days helping people overcome the effects of routine parental yelling: low self-esteem, insecurity, depression, anger-management problems, relationship problems, parenting problems, addictions and more.
Sure, some people come out unscathed -- but don't count on it. Many otherwise loving parents have completely lost their relationships with their kids because they yelled too much for too many years.
The Benefits
When yelling is very much the exception rather than the rule of daily family life, a host of benefits accrue:
- Your home becomes an oasis in a really stressful world -- even you will enjoy being there.
- You increase your parenting power by strengthening your relationship
- Your kids will enjoy more physical health, mental health and emotional health and have better social skills and academic performance.
- You'll be teaching your children a communication style that can help them enjoy positive and loving relationships throughout their lives -- especially with their own spouses and children.
- You increase the likelihood of enjoying a warm, life-long relationship with your children and grandchildren
Feelings and Behaviors are Different
It's perfectly normal for everyone -- adults, teenagers and children -- to feel irritable, tense, frazzled, annoyed, and even furious. These are just feelings triggered by the conditions of everyday life (i.e. work, school, family and so on). All feelings are acceptable -- in fact, accepting them is the quickest way to help them dissipate.
Behaviors, on the other hand, are a whole different story. They can be acceptable or unacceptable. Unacceptable behaviors, like yelling, are those that hurt other individuals or society as a whole.
How to Stop Yelling
People don't tend to yell when they're not upset (unless they're at a sports event). So the ideal situation is to prevent or cure any feeling of distress. Until that is accomplished, upset feelings must be managed. Just in case you haven't prevented or cured all of your upset, we'll start by looking at a few techniques that can help manage angry feelings when they occur.
- Sit down.
- Say out loud, "I'm going to calm down and think about what I need to do now."
- Close your eyes and breathe slowly for a few moments until you can start thinking of what positive action you can take.
- Take appropriate action (such as speaking or disciplining).
Preventing Anger
Since the ideal situation is to feel calm in the throes of daily parenting challenges, we'll now look at how we can achieve this state. If we're calm to begin with -- no matter what is going on with the kids -- then there's no anger to manage. Believe it or not, intensive psychotherapy is not a prerequisite for achieving this state! But you must be prepared to follow these steps:
- Create and maintain a positive atmosphere in your home at all times by following the 80-20 Rule. This rule states that you must offer four pleasant-feeling words or actions for every one unpleasant word or action. For teenagers and spouses, raise that ratio to 5:1.
Examples of pleasant-feeling interventions are: compliments, treats, affectionate touch, joking, attentive listening, words of love, gifts and so on. Examples of unpleasant-feeling interventions are: criticisms, instructions, threats or actual punishments, saying "no," corrections, looking or sounding moody, demonstrating irritation or displeasure and so on.
Notice that "instructions" is part of this second list so that every request a parent makes to a child ("time to brush your teeth," "time for homework," "please take your plate off the table," etc. etc. etc. must be counted as an unpleasant-feeling intervention.)
- Whenever your child is demonstrating any sort of feeling (i.e. every moment of the day), name the feeling before saying anything else. For example, if your child is complaining that she doesn't like dinner, your first statement might be "Oh, that's frustrating -- you want something else to eat and this is what we're having." Then you can decide your next step -- whether it's offering substitutes, insisting that this is the menu or whatever. This technique of naming feelings leads to children becoming much more cooperative (and mentally healthier) over the course of time, even if a child does not cheer up immediately when you name his or her feelings.
- Use pleasant-feeling interventions to change your child's behavior instead of unpleasant or angry ones. For example, if you're trying to teach a child to refrain from interrupting your phone calls, use the totally good-feeling CLeaR Method: C= Comment, L=Label and R=Reward.
It works like this: Make a very short phone call when the child is nearby. Quickly hang up and Comment: "You waited so quietly while Mommy was on the phone." Now, Label: "That was very patient of you." Now, Reward: "I think that deserves a story (hug & kiss, treat, privilege)." The Reward step is used only when you want to teach a specific behavior. Use the Comment and Label steps to maintain desirable behaviors. Always use the CleaR Method before using any unpleasant-feeling discipline interventions.
- Keep calm with the 2X-Rule. Never make a request more than two times. In fact, only say something a second time if you are prepared to carry through with negative consequences should the need arise.
Here's how to do it: Ask once and, if the child doesn't respond, decide how important the matter is at this time. For instance, ask the child to hang up his jacket. If he doesn't do it, decide whether this is a good time for you to pursue the matter based on your location in the 80-20 Rule (if you've given too many unpleasant-feeling communications, maybe you need to wait until your ratio has improved before tackling the coat issue). Or, perhaps you're not feeling well enough right now to carry through. Or, perhaps you want to save your unpleasant-feeling intervention for a more pressing matter with this child. Or, maybe you're just tired. Whatever the reason, after asking only once, you can just drop the request and pretend it never happened.
If you decide to ask again, give the child a choice of complying or facing a (named) negative consequence. For example, if you ask the child a second time to hang up his coat, your instruction might sound like this, "Sweetie I asked you to hang up your coat and if you don't do it in the next couple of minutes, I'll hang it up and you'll lose computer tonight." If the child then fails to comply, briefly and quietly give the consequence. "I'm sorry. Your time is up. You've lost computer."
This process is a powerful alternative to the "10X-Rule" that permits a parent to ask and ask and ask -- 10 times -- until red in the face and screaming! The 2X-Rule keeps parents calm and helps kids to develop the habit of responding to a normal tone of voice. The loss of privileges or other mildly annoying consequences never harms a child's development when used in moderation, unlike the show of parental anger which invariably leaves its mark -- sometimes for decades forward.
Using the Skills
Parents frequently learn skills but then fail to use them in the heat of the moment. It is crucial for peace in the home and parental peace of mind that parents stop raising their voices. You can help yourself succeed by using a reward or punishment system. This may seem a bit childish at first, but it works!
You can start with rewards. For every day that you refrain from raising your voice (or every hour, if you use a raised voice frequently throughout the parenting day), give yourself a point. Work toward the number of points that you can reasonably earn in about a week. Once you achieve those points -- off you go to Hawaii for a well-earned vacation! Okay, not quite, but you get the idea.
Some people prefer to use "negative consequences" to change their brain habits. If you are in this group, or if a reward system has not yielded fast enough results, give yourself some sort of "punishment" every single time you raise your voice. Choose from any of the following sorts of activities: doing push-ups (enjoy the weight-loss benefits of this one), cleaning drawers (enjoy the organizational bonus!), giving money to charity or any other slightly difficult task. If no progress is being made, increase the difficulty of the task (i.e. do more push-ups!). Eventually, the yelling won't be worth it. Your brain will find a different way to handle parenting stress.
Happy Peaceful Parenting
We can all enjoy peaceful home lives built around respectful, caring relationships. We just need the tools and the will to use them. Children grow strong and healthy when nursed by the energy of love -- an energy too sensitive to co-exist with the harsh vibrations of anger. Fortunately, parents have so much love to give; when they stop yelling, that love pours out and fills the hearts of their kids.
1. American Journal of Epidemiology August 1, 2001;154:230-235
Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice is a complete manual for the first 20 years of childrearing. Based on Torah principles regarding respect for self and others, it gives parents simple and practical strategies for negotiating every parenting issue in an anger-free, stress-free way. Written by a clinician with 30 years experience in guiding families and individuals, this book offers parents invaluable support for the most important and challenging task of a lifetime: raising children. Click here to order.
(18) Phil, December 2, 2012 4:49 PM
Raising your voice
Simply ridiculous. Now people can't raise their voices? What's next, people are not allowed any emotion? I've told my kid 1000 times not to do something, you know what? One time I yell at him and he will obey when all the soft spoken words do NOTHING.
Sean, September 25, 2013 6:17 PM
Reason
Maybe you should change your methods completely and not get impatient when they don't listen to the soft spoken word.
(17) Marlyn, October 6, 2012 1:08 PM
thanks for the article. i really like it. now i know how to handle kids wthout raising your voice..
(16) keisha, May 29, 2012 12:41 AM
i really can see myself trying this article, i love it!!!
i really enjoyed the article on the subject abt holling, im a pro at tht i need help
(15) Robert Smith, May 15, 2009 12:54 PM
Agree and Disagree
I don't personally feel that yelling is the correct way to handle issues with your kids. However, the examples given above are incredibly passive aggressive and many of us younger parents know what kind of person an overly passive agressive parent can produce. It's not pretty.
(14) Anonymous, March 19, 2006 12:00 AM
the reason for yelling
great article. i think she has good methods of sane parenting and only one thing i did not find- the reason for yelling. in my opinion ego issues come out not only in interaction with ones spouse but also with the kids. did my child disobay me? who does he think he is? etc... it is important for parents not to enter that kind of feeling and remember that he /she is the adult in this situation- and a loving one at that.
(13) Anonymous, February 24, 2006 12:00 AM
Lost relationship
I lost all my relations to my mother, cos she yelled so much. When my parents got devorced I took advantage of the possibility. I never talk to her, cos I actually hate her. She seems to be very hatefull, when she yell the way she does, and I know that's the reason why she also, as mentioned in the article, has heart problems.
This article is defenatly a true and a good one. I could hope my mother would read this article, and learn from it, then I might reestablish a relationship with her.
It's defenatly true that you loose a lot of self-esteem, and I'm suffering from that. That's though I'm only 17.
Phil, December 2, 2012 4:51 PM
Yell or be mean?
was it the yelling, or what she said? Chances are a loving parent who loses his/her temper and yells would not cause a child to "hate" her mother and never talk to them. there is more that than yelling for sure.
(12) Anonymous, February 22, 2006 12:00 AM
Radcliffe vs Faber and Mazlish
Interesting how these methods are at complete odds with the Faber Mazlish method "How to Talk so your Kids Listen". They suggest that voice raising does not cause harm AS LONG AS the child isn't criticised. eg. Say, "I am furious that my book is ruined" as opposed to "You are so irresponsible"
Secondly, consequences must match the behaviour. We try to teach our children how to make amends when they do something wrong as opposed to unrelated punishment which causes the child to focus on unfairness and revnge instead of working out how to rectify their action.
Having said that I like the 2 times rule. Generally if the child doesn't listen after saying it twice, they won't listen until the parent loses their temper.
Basically, whilst we parents strive never to lose our temper(in accordance with the Torah and behaviour ideals)sometimes sweet patience can lead to a bigger blow up than acknowledging anger/frustration at the outset.
(11) Carol Tice, February 21, 2006 12:00 AM
This is helpful
Thanks for a very helpful and practical article...we have been struggling with how to avoid yelling with our two special-needs preschoolers.
(10) Annie, February 21, 2006 12:00 AM
Sensible & do-able
How nice to read something that offers advice that is achievable & not so airy-fairy that no real person could do it.
I don't believe that anyone would not yell at a child running into the street ! I haven't any children, but my adored 'baby', a Siamese cat (my first such baby) had a habit of running across the street & seemingly playing chicken at dusk (she was a Blue Point, so all but invisible at dusk ). Did 'mother'pick up the kitty, stroke her gently and say how glad she was that kitty hadn't been killed ? Or did mother screech at kitty to get in that ****** door-NOW-you stupid ****** cat !!! What the **** do you think you're doing, running in front of cars like that ??? GET INSIDE-NOW !!!
How much more would you react like that to a child doing this ? Has anyone not reacted with rage and abuse to someone coming in hours later than they said they would, and, instead of expressing delight that the person is all right almost blame them for NOT being dead in a ditch somewhere ?
I like the 'telling twice', and not automatically giving rewards for normal good behaviour as if simply not being naughty is praiseworthy ! I know parents who just about praise their children for breathing ! I also like the fact that the article recognises that most of us are not trained psychologists.
This advice is about the best I have read on this sort of subject; more, please.
(9) Susan Zehavi, February 20, 2006 12:00 AM
Great ideas
These are such great ideas. Thanks for explaining them so clearly. I will be leaving the book out in my living room. Hopfully the title will remind us not to yell.
(8) Anonymous, February 20, 2006 12:00 AM
comment on raising kids not your voice
I'd like to add something crucial to working on anger or for that matter any attemp to better ourselves. pray! Pray to Hashem with all your heart that he should help you stay calm while raising your children(and always).That always works with everything. Hashem wants to hear from us-His children.Don't be stingy with your words. Ask him for every detail that you need help in.
(7) Ora, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
one more idea
I would add one more piece of advice to this wonderful article--always be consistent with discipline!! Almost all of the yelling, stressed-out parents I've seen make frequent threats that they don't carry through on. Know what punishments you're willing to use, and never say what you don't mean. Empty threats teach kids that a. you don't mean what you say. b. you're really just letting off steam--this is more hurtful for children than receiving a just punishment. and c. if they just keep up with their bad behavior, you'll give in eventually. Definitely not something we want to reinforce!
(6) Hannah, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
some good points but disappointing
Who wouldn't like to have a more relaxed household? The article started off okay but quickly deteriorated when it came to practical advice. Why take away a computer game because she didn't pick up a jacket? Do you refuse to make dinner for your husband because he didn't pick up his socks in the morning? Children need to cooperate with us because they respect us and our needs, not because they are threatened. THe ideas about acknowledging the child's feelings are great, but she doesn't take it far enough. How about telling how you feel when the jacket's not put away? When the child is quiet when Mom is on the phone, why not say, "That was an important phone call; I'm so glad I was able to finish with it. Let's read a story."
(5) Beverly Gonzales, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
Parenting Strategies vital to healthy families.
I will be purchasing your book Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice. I wish my parents would have had such knowledge. My mother was a yeller and it trickled down to my siblings and myself. I will be purchasing this book for my two daughters because they too have learned to Raise their voices.
Thank you again.
(4) Leah, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
Mazel tov, finally a focused, practical feature
While I enjoy dipping into certain Aish. com features, which make an inital appeal this feature really caught my attention because of its title and the reputation of the author. I was hoping for something practical and to the point and it was just that: it gave the facts, practical application and examples. In one's busy week one needs this type of life line of information and advice. Enough of the fluffy stuff let's have more of this type of feature to help us reach our potentials and do what we are supposed to do the Torah way. The more we have of this type of feature the more effective we can be and then we will feel more focused, happier and more fulfilled as a person, a parent and a capable Jew, more quickly rather than suffering with all our 'stuff' until we find someone who is willing to listen and help us sort out solutions. More direct features like this is what is needed every week.
(3) Anonymous, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
want to remain calm / feel like killing
Yelling is a problem however when hitting or leaving are seen as the alternatives it doesn't seem as bad.I tell myself I want my wife and I to yell less but in truth I'm more afraid of the alternatives and while I dislike the yelling and want to change it feels managable and somewhat effective in preventing worse and it's familiar.
(2) Anonymous, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
fantastic
THANK YOU for this article--it was written just for me, and I intend to print it and hang it up in the kitchen, where I will remember to actually follow through!
(1) Techiya Levine, February 19, 2006 12:00 AM
Fabulous Advice!
Thank you Sarah Chana, for all of the help you have given to me and my family- as well as to the people who have enjoyed the Parenting classes that I led. Your sage advice is practical and user friendly and has given us fodder for discussion as well as a true sense of confidence in the form of a tool box for our Parenting. Sarah Chana's book offers some of THE MOST practical advice of any parenting books I have read.
Mazel Tov! Looking forward to gleaning more and more!