It's 9:00 AM, and by the time Lauren gets the kids out of the house she already feels like she has run a marathon. Exhausted, she tries to make a list of what she needs to accomplish that day, but she can't find a pen. "You're such a mess," she berates herself. "No wonder you can never get it together. You can't even keep track of a pen."
As the self-criticism mounts awareness of the day's already considerable accomplishments recedes into the background. Sandwiches had been prepared with the crusts cut off, assorted snacks were each inserted into the appropriate bag according to the owner's preference, children were delivered nicely dressed and on-time to their appropriate schools, and a quick trip to the grocery store was squeezed in on the way back home.
As she puts up a load of laundry Lauren notes with despair that the laundry detergent is running low, a fact that had slipped her mind during her mad dash through the grocery store. If she had a pen she could add it to her shopping list now, like her friend Miriam does, but it probably wouldn't help anyway. The list would just disappear into the bottomless pit of her purse before the next trip to the supermarket.
She knows that by the time her husband returns from work tonight the house will be a mess once again.
Lauren eyes the phone longingly, wishing her baby hadn't dropped the cordless into the bath-tub so she could call Debbie and compare notes on the morning rush hour. But without the cordless she just can't spare the time, not with the house looking like it does. She has a brief vision of Debbie's immaculate living room, conveniently forgetting her friend's indulgence of a cleaner twice a week. Grimly Lauren forces herself to confront the worst of the mess, starting with the children's rooms. She knows that by the time her husband returns from work tonight the house will be a mess once again.
Lauren has fallen into the "If only someone would notice" syndrome. She needs someone else to acknowledge her accomplishments in order to be able to value them herself. Furthermore, she is unable to recognize her own limits, and instead pushes herself beyond the point of exhaustion. Her legitimate need for a coffee and telephone break once she has successfully completed the morning rush hour goes un-validated. Lauren is on the road to mother burn-out. Her journey is being accelerated by the constant refrain of self-criticism and unflattering comparisons that accompanies her throughout the day.
Another Way
As Lauren unpacks the groceries she notices how exhausted she is. She is no good for anything when she is this tired, and besides, anyone who works in an office gets a coffee break. She takes out a large mug with a picture of a woman holding a baby in one hand and a vacuum cleaner in the other underlined with the caption "Just call me superwoman." Although there were plenty of other mugs in the house already, Lauren bought this one for herself shortly after leaving her office job to become a full-time home executive. That is what she calls herself, since the word housewife has negative connotations for her. Selecting an herbal tea-bag from her ample collection, she sits down on the couch to call Debbie.
As she dials Debbie's number, Lauren acknowledges that the baby's breaking the cordless has been a blessing in disguise. It allows her to sit down and really connect with the person with whom she is speaking, rather than just half-listening as she runs around the house. It is true the conversations are shorter by necessity, but they are also more fulfilling. She'll give herself fifteen minutes with Debbie. Just like a quick shmooze with a colleague at the water cooler, she reasons to herself. Having colleagues is one of the things she misses most about her job. The loneliness of being at home was a big adjustment for her, and she tries to make sure she has some contact with a friend each day to alleviate her isolation.
Shmoozing with Debbie is great, but occasionally Lauren is troubled by unflattering self-comparisons to her super accomplished friend after speaking with her. When she catches herself making these negative self-evaluations, she reminds herself that everyone has her own strengths and weaknesses, and everything has a pay-off. It is true her house is a mess, but it is also the universally acknowledged "most fun house on the block," the preferred hangout of her children and their many friends.
As she goes in and out of their rooms she hears snippets of their conversations that give her a glimpse into her children's inner world.
As a result the house is never really clean. It is more like contained chaos. But in return, she always knows what her children are up to, and who their friends are. As she goes in and out of their rooms, putting away a load of laundry, or returning a stray shoe, she hears snippets of their conversations that give her a glimpse into her children's inner world. Sometimes, if she is lucky, they might even turn to her and say "What do you think, Mom?" These moments are rare, but they only happen as a result of her being on-hand and available, and this is a trade-off she gladly pays -- involvement and availability in exchange for external accomplishments.
Getting Out of the Syndrome
Every mother has an additional family responsibility -- to cultivate her own self-worth by acknowledging her accomplishments and silencing the voice of criticism and negative comparisons to others. At the heart of every burned out mother is an invisible woman who has been longing for some recognition and acknowledgement, and a chance to replenish her depleted resources. Taking preventive measures against mother burn-out is a truly immense kindness to the family, because it is impossible to run a home and function effectively when you are running on empty.
Don't sell yourself short. When the stress is on, especially during intense periods of giving such as the Holidays, throw out your incomplete to do list. Instead make a new list, a look how much I have accomplished list, in order to guarantee that your efforts don't go unrecognized. A real superwoman is a woman who can recognize her limits, and respects her accomplishments without being dependant upon external sources of validation.
(9) Ruth, January 24, 2010 4:10 PM
working in two places
I have all these issues, plus I work full-time in a helping profession. In this economy, dropping out of paid work is simply not an option. I have repeatedly appealed to my husband and children for help, but it takes a tremendous amount of reason, nagging, whining, and downright tantrums to get even minimal one-time help from them. We can't afford any more household help than we have, and pre-cleaning for the cleaning lady on a midweek evening usually triggers a nasty blow-out in the family. I wish I had something positive to offer, but all I have is my experience. I am not a complainer or I never would have chosen my field of work. I am just burned out.
Anonymous, January 19, 2014 3:02 AM
Comments appreciated
Thanks for telling it like it is. I am at home full-time and the resistance to help out is great. I am burnt out, angry and annoyed. My family wonders why I'm often in a bad mood.
(8) Sarah Zeldman, October 23, 2007 3:16 PM
In answer to your question.
Tzippora, my email address is sarah@solutionsforbusymoms.com
I look forward to hearing from you
(7) Anonymous, October 20, 2007 11:25 PM
To Sarah Zeldman:
Thanks for your comment. What's your E-mail address?
And Ms. Price: Grrrrrrrrreat article! Made me feel good all over.
(6) Anonymous, October 16, 2007 4:55 PM
Countering Criticism
I have an external critic who is always saying the kind of things your Lauren tells herself in this article. In refuting the charges (mostly to myself), I have come to appreciate what I do get around to doing. It may not be what my critic expects, but it is everything that most needs to be done - and for which no-one else in the family is qualified.
(5) Anonymous, October 16, 2007 9:16 AM
Just what I needed
This was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much. I have a 4 month old and an incredibly messy apartment. I keep beating myself up that it isn't good enough and that I should be doing better without recognising what I do do.
Thank you Mrs Price. Please write more articles like this.
Anonymous, August 29, 2011 4:55 AM
Thank you
I have a 2 1/2 yr. old, high-energy toddler and a 2-month-old baby. I too have been "beating myself up" over an incredibly messy home for months. The harder I try to do everything, the more people criticize and the faster my health declines. Yes, I *want* things to look nice; I want to do everything right - but trying to be Superwoman has drained a lot of my personality, energy and vibrancy. Thank you for writing this. I'll probably never hear such things from those around me, but I can return to this article and be reminded that I am accomplishing things every day.
(4) Sarah Zeldman, October 15, 2007 12:32 PM
Get Control of Your Inner Critic - Great advice!
I love that this article focuses on something we rarely see discussed in the mommy world -- on inner critic and how we can allow it (really ourselves -- or sometimes our yetzer hara) to get in the way of our own personal growth.
I often coach women to try to learn how to talk to themselves a they would speak to their best friend. Real friends don't sugar coat it when you make mistakes -- but they also don't kick you when you're down either. A real friend walks the line between being honest and being gentle -- and we all need to learn how to speak that way inside of our own heads.
The author makes another great point about recognizing our maternal strengths and weaknesses. It is SO important to be clear about them. I have found a great resource that helps women to cultivate self-awareness of their strengths and weaknesses. It's a terrific book called Motherstyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths. It shows how to apply knowledge of the Myers Briggs Personality Test to parenting.
I gave an audio presentation about it at a "virtual" mom conference. Send me an email if you'd like to hear it (I can't post a web link here.)
It really is a very powerful tool that helps women maximize our strengths and minimize the impact of our weaknesses to the best of our ability.
Thank you for this terrific article. Keep writing on these important subjects. I can't wait to read more!
(3) Talya, October 14, 2007 5:20 PM
Thank you :-)
(2) Anonymous, October 14, 2007 9:19 AM
thanks
just what I needed to hear!
(1) Anonymous, October 14, 2007 7:57 AM
Bravo!
The holidays are over. We are trying to remember what "regular" is like. After the intensity of the chagim, we can have the illusion that we are doing "nothing." Nothing, that is, except everything. We are being. We are processing. We are responding. We are resting and refreshing. We are reflecting. We are creating a new context. We are reviewing and evaluating. Sometimes, we are even napping.
B"H, the world is filled with Women of Valor, may our numbers only increase!