"I am the father of two young children, and I like to think of myself as a nice guy. Recently I have noticed that my patience is running low with the kids. They infuriate me and I am scared of my own reactions. It's not that they do anything awful, but they can be so frustrating at times. I want to be a loving parent, not an angry one. Do other parents feel this way, and what do you recommend for me?"
This is an excellent question. You want to be a good father and you have a vision of what that entails -- a caring, pleasant person with whom your children want to spend time. As your children grow, you want to forge a relationship with your children that they will look back upon and cherish.
You are honest enough to realize that your reactions are not always appropriate to that vision. But those kids can be difficult at times. What options are there for you?
The first step is to realize that you have a choice. People often claim, "Those kids got me so angry." "Would you believe what my son did? I just had to explode." As annoying as a behavior may be, you still have the choice whether to react in anger or not. If you do not make concerted attempts to defuse your anger, it may be your automatic reaction, but you can develop inner control to stay calm. Remind yourself that whatever your kids do, their behaviors are not major enough to unsettle you.
We need to become aware of these inner triggers and work on diffusing them.
How we react is only partially based on the behavior itself; it is mostly based on our emotional state and on the negative inner messages the behavior triggers. We need to become aware of these inner reactions, and work on diffusing them.
A child fails a test. The parent is annoyed and berates the child for not studying harder or not taking school more seriously. What triggered the anger is not the test grade; it is the messages the father is sending himself. "My son will never get into college if he does not buckle down." Or "This is embarrassing to have a son who is a failure," or even "If he cared about me he would make sure to make me proud." There may be a other underlying, subconscious messages as well. "I am powerless to help my son succeed in school."
What can this father do instead? He can recognize that this failed test is triggering all sorts of inner reactions and address them. An inner dialog is very helpful. "Let's stay calm, and not overreact. This is just one exam. This is not indicative of my son's academic future. My son is not intentionally trying to embarrass me. Let me focus instead on my son's feelings and how to help him succeed in school."
If we can learn to defuse our inner reaction, then our outer reaction will be more appropriate. Rethinking a situation where you got upset can provide clues for your inner reactions. Getting to know yourself better can help you anticipate which situations will try your patience.
Here are a few common inner reactions:
Expectations: "I expect my kids to sit quietly when there is company."
Joey quit Little League, and he and his dad got into a major argument. Dad would do well to look at life through Joey's eyes. Joey might not be following Dad's dream, but following his own dream of exploring electronics instead.
Inconvenience: "All I want to do right now is sit and have a cup of coffee, and they want me to play ball."
Rich sits down to read the paper and Jason keeps coming over to show him his drawings. Rich's tolerance wears thin. If he would block off time and accept the fact that this is quality time with son, he will maintain a better frame of mind.
Embarrassment: "When the kids act like that it reflects poorly on me."
Jeff's kids were getting restless in a long shopping trip. Jeff felt like spanking those little brats when he realized that he was overacting due to the fact that he was embarrassed to be walking with whining kids. If he focuses on accepting that kids will whine and that does not reflect so poorly on him as a parent, he will not get so annoyed. (Ironically it is more embarrassing to be seen as an out-of-control parent.)
Concern: "What will become of this kid if he acts this way?"
Steve gets in trouble for fighting in kindergarten. His behavior needs to be guided, but if Dad overreacts, it is probably out of fear. He may be projecting that Steve will grow up to be a social misfit.
Pride: "No kid of mine will talk to me like that and get away with it."
Sam ignores his father. Dad is insulted, but then he realizes that Sam is not deliberately ignoring him. He is focused on his game, and oblivious to his surrounding. He needs to be taught to hear his father call, but that message can best be taught by a father who is not irate.
Are your children's infringements major enough for you to endanger your relationship with them?
Once we identify our inner reactions, we can work on adjusting them. Kids don't usually do things just to get us mad. They may not pay enough attention to our feelings. They may act impetuously and impinge on our time. But focusing on a positive relationship is a long term investment in our future. Assess how big your children's infringements are and whether those behaviors are major enough for you to endanger your relationship with them. In most cases you will realize that each small annoyance is worth overlooking or calmly disciplining, in view of the greater goal of providing your children with a loving, emotionally supportive father.
Occasionally, anger is an appropriate reaction to educate our children as to the severity of their actions. But if the parent is out of control, it is difficult for him to modulate his anger. In addition, it is difficult to be angry and loving at the same time. You can choose how you wish to present yourself to your children.
Lowering of one's stress level is crucial to keeping calm with your children. We live in stressful times, and someone is much more likely to overreact when under stress. Learning to de-stress is a necessary component of positive parenting. A person under stress can made great efforts not to explode at his children despite his stress level, but learning how to maintain an inner calm is very helpful in many areas of life, including parenting.
Keep alive your vision of yourself as a loving father. Ask yourself if you are living up to that vision, and be willing to work on adjusting your reactions in order to be a father that will create a warm secure childhood for his children. You will see that you can let the little annoyances go when you realize that most things are not important enough to cause you to endanger your relationship with your precious charges. Best of luck to you as you focus on making the efforts to be the best dad you can be.
(17) elisabeth, June 21, 2009 12:44 AM
Kids can enjoy getting a reaction
Not a dad, or even a parent (have worked w/ lots of kids though) I agree with the need for sleep to reduce irritability in general. More importantly, this article brought up a point gleaned from a Parent/Child Relationship(family studies) course, from a 'parenting' video using a more conservative approach for small children - the speaker suggested that children have an innate 'inferiority complex' - being small in size, control, etc. - and enjoy being able to get reactions - such as making big noises by splashing rocks in water - or by getting their parents to lose their temper. - Just a thought, doesn't apply to all situations....
(16) Masorti, June 19, 2009 4:25 PM
Play in the dirt
I have found when my son has grabbed on to my last nerve, the best thing I can do as a father is play with him. I am a single parent to a 13 year old girl and 7 year old boy. Going it alone is very rewarding but difficult. Playing in the dirt with my 7 year old makes the stress melt away like butter.
(15) Iona Ben Abraham, MD, June 17, 2009 10:34 AM
IMPORTANCE OF SUPPORT FOR STRESS CONTROL
One of the best resources that Jewish communities can supply for parents is education on techniques to facilitate stress control. Of course education on parenting is a crucial area, too.
(14) Anonymous, June 17, 2009 1:36 AM
at the other end of your parenting journey
first, forgetaboutit when it comes to being flawless in the "dad" mode, no one is perfect. second, remember, whether it is your children we are talking about or anyone else, in order to have a positive working relationship with anyone, it helps to start by being "positive." third, when you finally decide, that no matter what your children do, you always want to be in their lives it will help when your patience is really running thin. and finally, you can always say your sorry, that you'll try to do better and that you do and always will love them. remember, your kids love you too.
(13) Dasha, June 16, 2009 10:09 PM
Fathers can underreact
Father's can also underreact which creates a painful emptiness, especially when the mom overreacts. In person and telephone coaching can provide modeling and reinforcement of proper techniques, but make no mistake, supportive parenting takes lots of time and study, although often only minimal time is available.
(12) Anonymous, June 16, 2009 9:29 PM
oh no, again nobody got it
Just by reading the story nobody realized that the father said " lately I have short fuse and get angry all the time". Daddy, you have got to get help - fast - something in your heart is eating away at you and in no time you will cause so much trauma that your children will hate you. I have five children (the youngest ten and 13) and have a blast with them. I love watching movies with them. I love playing ball with them I love sitting down with them during dinner. What's with these parents? Why hey can't spend time with their children? You can't stand when they spill something? Who yells at YOU when you break a glass? Nothing is more wonderful then doing things with your children. You love them to pieces and they love ya back. If your life is so awful and you are burnt out, then it's time to pray- pray alot. Find someone to teach you how to pray. When you ask G-d to help you, sincerely, he always comes through. In these tough times, prayer is the answer to everything.
(11) Edward, June 16, 2009 12:00 PM
sleep
I have recently had this problem as well. I was under alot of stress in graduate school and my wife had back surgery so I was trying to do eveerything and it was very stressful and it was causing me to have a short fuse. Th enumber one destressor for me was sleep. If I would get a good nights sleep or nap then I would be much better. Also always remmembering that they are kids that can't always control themselves or have the capacity yet to make the right desicion helps as well. Thanks for the articel
(10) Lisa Aiken, June 16, 2009 11:18 AM
you need to consider your own childhood
There is much to say to this man that this article did not address. Among other things, he needs to ask himself how he was treated as a child. Did his father (parents) get angry at him over trivial or inappropriate matters? How did they respond when he frustrated them? Also, when a person has a wellspring of anger inside, small disappointments and frustrations will tap into it, resulting in overreaction. People have to resolve the underlying anger. How has this man learned to set his expectations? Violated expectations are often the source of anger. Establishing new expectations based on who a child is can often decrease a person's anger at a child. Anticipating recurring,upsetting situations and preparing (and rehearsing) a healthy response before they happen the next time(s) can do everyone a world of good.
(9) Rosen, June 15, 2009 8:12 PM
key advice for fathers
The key advice that I would recommend to fathers is that they should NOT be tempted to raise their voice at the children due to the psychological damage it can bring upon. Father's shouldn't scream at their children every time such a challenging situation comes up, because he can't expect a different result every time he uses the same tone of voice. Clearly, there's a difference between raising one's voice at someone, and having a more open dialog between a father and child. Thus, positive reinforcement can go a long way, so it's all a matter of consistency.
(8) moshe, June 15, 2009 1:35 PM
I was afraid to become a stepfather
I was totally in love with a woman. When I was with her kids I found that I was angry at them all the time. They were raised very poorly and were very inconsiderate and ungrateful. They refused to listen to anything I said. I found that I had to give up on what may have been the love of my life because of the anger I felt to the children. To this day I am sad over losing her, but I know that I would have made a terrible step father.
(7) Anonymous, June 15, 2009 11:24 AM
De-Stressing and positive parenting
Yashir koach on your article. You wrote "Learning to de-stress is a necessary component of positive parenting." Might Part II of the article be "Learning to de-stress and positive parenting"? Whatever your choice, I am sure you will do well.
(6) yahanan, June 15, 2009 11:12 AM
Todah for this article! With all the stress in the world, high expectations and responsiblity put on fathers, and peer pressure from pagan society, it can affect any parent. You presented great intervention points.
(5) Devorah S., June 15, 2009 10:54 AM
Anger in marriage?
Is this article relevant in marriage? Sometimes one's spouse can have inappropriate reactions to what is minor issues and can destroy a relationship between husband and wife. Do you agree?
(4) MJ, June 15, 2009 10:15 AM
This info can apply to mothers as well
This info can apply to mothers as well
(3) james, June 15, 2009 10:11 AM
I needed that
I was only saying to my wife I think I am over reacting to my childrens behaviour. You have mentioned many of the reactions I have experienced, I have taken much comfort from the fact these are natural father like feelings, It's how we respond to those feelings that make or break a situation. Thank you for this enlightening advice and guidence.
(2) Bernie Siegel, MD, June 15, 2009 9:59 AM
parenting
as the father of five i have learned a great deal. moof all love your children and give them mottoes to live by and not die by. i didn't say you have to like everything they do i said to love them and give them positive messages since they are basically in a hypnotic brain wave state until the age of six. simplest way to do this right is to get a puppy and treat your kids like you do the puppy with love, trust, respect, discipline, consistency, exercise and affection. anger is appropriate when you are not treated with respect so when in doubt WWLD = what would lassie do? and the rules apply to the entire family.
(1) Alix B., June 15, 2009 7:47 AM
My father always overreacted -
to anything and everything. An responded with degrading very personal comments. It took me years to get over this. We both missed out on a loving relationship because of this. Parents need to look inside themselves. We can all overreact and behave badly. We have to know when to walk away and when to offer a sincere apology. Note to parents: words hurt.