Friends of mine, a couple in their late 30s, recently asked for advice:
“Monica, our 6-year-old daughter, just started first grade," the mother began. "She’s very unhappy, but she won’t tell us why. She comes home in a sour mood on the verge of tears, saying she doesn’t want to go back and she has always liked school."
I turned to Dave, her husband, who nodded solemnly in agreement.
“She is an adorable girl,” the mother continued. “Lately she doesn't seem to want to play with friends and she is noshing all the time."
As it turned out, the little girl confided in her big sister that during recess she asked the other girls if she could play with them and they cruelly said “No.” Their daughter was filled with shame and embarrassment.
The mother wondered if she should talk to the teacher or the principal, and then said something about bullying in schools –- an obviously very important topic. The mother spoke for both of them as the father sat quietly. But Dave, who I knew from a variety of circumstances, is no dope. He always has something pithy or on the mark to say about whatever might come up in synagogue or in the study group we both belong to.
I turned to Dave: "What’s your take?"
“Everything my wife says is true. Monica is not a happy camper, though she usually is.”
The mother and I brainstormed some more. Dave said nothing. His silence suggested that he was receding and tuning out. He was in the room in presence only.
I wondered why. Maybe he had his own memories of being bullied. That would be most natural because our children’s experiences almost always evoke our own childhood.
But many men are reluctant to contribute emotionally at home because they feel it is “their wife’s territory.” In many homes the mother is the unspoken head of all the touchy-feely emotional issues. She’s the resident expert and the man automatically yields to her expertise.
But is it really yielding? Dave isn't the type to yield easily. He is a competitive guy on the court, at work, even at shul. He doesn’t like to lose.
Popular media is forever reducing dad to a well-meaning boob-in-chief.
You want to know a secret? Most men don’t like to lose and they are unlikely to play if they think they will. And at home we lose most of the time -- the wife knows the ins and outs in ways that men don't know. So some men stay out, or out of desperation, they unwittingly thwart their wives.
Popular media is forever reducing dad to a well-meaning boob-in-chief -- an emotional, clueless klutz and a figure of fun. (Think: The Simpsons, or Berenstain Bears.) But the Torah takes fatherhood very seriously. The Jewish father is most decidedly not a clown.
The Torah says, "Shema bni mussar avicha v’al titosh Toras imecha -- Heed the lessons of your father and the teachings of your mother." A child must hear from both.
I brought up the idea with Dave. Why didn’t he speak? Why did he treat himself as though his job was just to show up, shlep furniture, and write checks?
He gave an embarrassed smile. “I’m not so sure of my place,” he finally offered. "Many times, I’m not sure what to say or do, so I leave it to those more competent than me,” he said, gesturing toward his wife.
I offered a question or two: What was Monica’s play like at home? Did she play at least some of the time with her father as well as her mother and sister? This was discussed for a short period, and then a few minutes before we were to end, Dave said he had an idea: Monica should take along an attractive toy -- maybe even a disposable camera with a flash, and instead of asking to play, she should say, “Who wants to take pictures with me?" A lot of kids will gravitate to her.
“Kids need gadgets,” he said rather succinctly, “to get things going.”
It was natural that a man would come up with this idea, I thought. Men have an instinctive feel for the usefulness of tools in the school yard and in social settings, the new bicycle, the sophisticated electronic device, a cool car.
David knew he had a good idea, (we later found out it was a bulls-eye with Monica) but then he had a revelation: “I make myself ‘dumb’ in front of my wife. I tell myself I am being gracious or whatever, but truth is, I really don’t know why I do it. I’m probably just afraid to compete,” he offered somewhat in jest.
I thought there was more than a little truth in his words. Fathers, when you are tempted to “go dumb” in front of your family, consider that you may be trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings, you may fear that you will look foolish in front of her or in front of the family or yourself.
There are few things more damaging to a child than an absent father.
You must resist these fears and speak up anyway. Your children need you. There are few things more damaging to a child than an absent father. Even if you don’t have the vaguest idea of what to say to or do, have no fear! You may goof up and say or suggest the “wrong” thing, but time and experience will teach you to get it right. And for goodness sakes! Take advantage of those runs to the supermarket to spend some “alone” time with your kid. Ask your son questions he will want to respond to. Take an interest in your daughter’s school and play life. Ask them what they want from life, from you.
Mothers, pull back. Create a space for the fathers to enter. Resist the temptations and false satisfactions of being the “superior” parent. If your husband goes “dumb,” encourage him to talk.
The worst thing either parent can do is withdraw from the game. If both mother and father play, everyone wins.
(14) Nancy, June 15, 2018 3:37 PM
I have an additional suggestion
And yes, I realize I am late in commenting. :-) Perhaps it would help if we cut way back on our TV consumption. IMO there is way too much garbage on the tube in 2018. Sometimes I am watching a certain TV show and I get so impatient that I have to turn off the set. I'm not saying we should get rid of our TV sets altogether, just make changes in our viewing habits.
(13) alan d. Busch, November 8, 2009 11:20 AM
Required Reading
Dear Yisroel, Thank you for this piece that should be required reading for all young men and boys many of whom haven't the slightest clue about what distinguishes raising a child from making a baby.. So much of our social crisis and collapse in America is, in large measure, traceable to the absence of morally responsible fathers in many homes. Our president could do so much good for so many if he would but address this issue from the bully pulpit.
(12) Anonymous, November 6, 2009 5:16 AM
I agree
I agree with Gary,commentator #8 and would like to suggest that "Parenting Guide for Fathers" section headed by Mr. Feuerman be considered.Great article.Thank you.P.S. See Dads, you do make the difference and your insight is important.
(11) Anonymous, November 3, 2009 10:55 PM
Growing up my mother always was the "bad" one. She was the spokeperson for both of them but he fully endorsed her. I wonder if it was because of this or just because he was to busy.
(10) yisrael feuerman, November 3, 2009 2:05 PM
more on fathers
There is strong response to this topic. Today's NYT 2 articles speak about this topic from a science and social science point of view http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/health/03dads.html?_r=1&ref=science http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/02/paying-more-attention-to-fathers/
(9) Anonymous, November 3, 2009 9:16 AM
Society is responsible as it is all about the woman now. The man has no say on whether a baby is to be aborted yet is expected to pay upkeep if no abortion.
(8) Gary, November 2, 2009 5:21 PM
Section for Men?
This very website has a special or distinct section for women but not men? What does that say? Most guidance that claims to be for parents is really for mothers/women. Parenting "professionals," including those in the Jewish 'community' need to own up to their bias around mothering versus parenting. While "the Dumb Father" may have meant to refer to his silence, it's a very poor choice of words and speaks volumes.
(7) Gary, November 2, 2009 4:37 PM
Call it like it is
Rox's comments started to get right to the point. All too often, so-called parenting journals and websites are really aimed solely at mothers. If it's for mothers, call it like it is; if the guidance is for all parents, make it parent neutral. As a man who, as a single person, adopted an infant almost 21 years ago, I've seen incredible sexism in the so-called field of 'parenting.' This is true for 'parenting' professionals, Jewish organizations, educational professionals, etc. Even this very article. Now, while you may have meant 'dumb' in the sense of being silent, it reinforces the portrayal of fathers as stupid when it comes to their children. Why not have simply referred to The Silent Father, the Clueless Father, or something similar?
(6) Frank J., November 2, 2009 4:12 PM
Show that you care.
Women usually have the better instincts when it comes to parenting, and dealing with children can be frustrating to men with a "problem solving" mentality. But a father's engaging with his children sends a powerful subliminal message that hopefully will endure long after the minutae of the moment is forgotten: he cares enough about the child to struggle along with her. If done with sensitivity, the message will get through.
(5) Elliott Katz, November 2, 2009 11:22 AM
Fathers need to show more leadership at home
I have met many men like Dave, intelligent capable men who say the home is the woman's domain and they let her make the decisions. They think they are being sensitive and non-controlling good husbands. They don't realize that to the woman, a man who is oblivious to problems at home is shirking his responsibilities and frustrating her. One of the biggest complaints women have about men today is that they don't show their share of leadership at home. This can lead to problems in the marriage. Like Dave in this article, many men today are unsure of their role. Many grew up without strong male role models and as this article points out, television portrays men as buffoons. It seems this generation of men weren't taught the lessons about being a man that men used to learn. I wrote two articles for Aish.com on some of this wisdom, "Lessons from Dad" and "Five things a man needs to be in a successful relationship," which are based on my book "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man." I wrote the book for North American men, but I soon learned the need for this learning was bigger as it was translated into 15 languages in Asia, Europe and Latin America. If you're like Dave, here are key tips: Show leadership: When there is a problem that needs to be dealt with, step forward and deal with it. Make decisions: If you leave all decisions to the woman, you're shirking your responsibilities and frustrating her. Take responsibility: When something goes wrong, don't blame anyone, especially your wife. Step forward and improve the situation. If you're wondering if this is really what your wife wants, show her this and ask. You may surprised at her response. Remember, a father is a role model to his son on how to be a man. To his daughter, he's an example of what a man should be and influences the kind of man she will choose. It's an important responsibility.
(4) Miriam, November 1, 2009 9:40 PM
Situations are different - and teach and train the men more!!!
Every situation is different, and it would be helpful if we all would see it and not judge. In our western society, men are trained not to be in touch with their feelings, that any sort of emotion is weak, so they cannot show it. This is not true as much in Latino cultures, or Greek, where the fathers are highly involved, and highly emotional. Women, generally, are still taught to be the bridge builders, the empathizers, the emoters, and are therefore much more comfortable in their role of mother. We do not partake in Havdalah wine because it is the symbol of separation, and we are joiners-together. If the men would be trained at younger ages to be in touch with their feelings, to not be afraid of others' feelings, then they would not make so many detrimental mistakes on the backs of their children, and wives who DO try to encourage their input and relations with their children.
(3) Anonymous, November 1, 2009 3:12 PM
I did not have the choice and it worked out well.
My former wife moved to another state with a man, The sons were 7 and 5. She was gone 6 years. Her new guy did not want kids around. She saw them twice during those year. Now the crux of the story: We lived on a lake. I had just started my own law busines. I had no clients anyway so I stayed home tha first summer and we learned how to operate a boat, fish, waterski, and in the winter snow ski. It worked so well that became our normal summer. I would borrow to get through the summers. In a few years we had our first ski condo in the mountains so we would take off a month each winter to ski Colorado. I was now borrowing to get through the winters. After their mom left her friend and returned to the State she called almost daily and established a good relationship with the sons. (I decllned an offer of remarriage.) They worked at the office going though school as paralegals. After they graduated law school we became partners. Later I was asked in a TV interview, "How did you ever get your sons to follow you in your practice?" and I lied. I said, "It was easy. I told them to go be doctors." The fact is, they truly thought what we had been doing those years were lawyer's hours. I met my future wife-to-be when the youngest was a year from graduation. He, like his brother, lived on campus in a home another dad and I bought for our sons. The Youngest called and asked if I was going to marry my lady friend. I said, "I don't know. He said, "I am moving back home if you don't." So the next year, now 19 years after their mom left, I re-married. It has worked beautifully. And the best news: after the sons started having babies their Mom has become what I call "The Greatest Grandma in the World." When we gather at a son's home for an event, I always kiss her on the cheek. One day one of the granddaughters asked me why, and I said, "Because she has gave me the greatest blessings of my life, your dad and your uncle, and from them came you and the other grandchildren.
(2) Rox, November 1, 2009 3:11 PM
Fixing the problem
Perhaps Jewish sites need to HAVE a private "parenting" section for men. On almost EVERY Jewish site, parenting really IS the exclusive domain of the woman. Entire women's sections of sites like Aish.com should be remaned "The Mothering Department". Please fix it in places like Aish.com first.
(1) Anonymous, November 1, 2009 10:36 AM
OUCH! Guilty as charged!
I have been married more than 30 years, and my kids are now married with families of their own, but this hit home! I am showing this article to my husband despite the can of worms it is likely to open! Brilliant insights - I wish I had read it 30 years ago - I think this would have woken me up to becoming much more sensitive, or as you say, "pull back, create a space for the fathers to enter. Resisit the temptations and false satisfactions of being the 'superior' parent..."