My husband and I were both raised in homes that nurtured our physical needs, but not our emotional ones. We were not neglected; we were thoroughly middle class. I had ballet lessons, and drama lessons, and spent my summers at a country club. My husband studied piano, and went to boy scouts and summer camps.
Yet when we met, we recognized in each other a profound loneliness. It was the loneliness of being seen and not heard. It was the loneliness of never knowing what it meant to have a voice in the family.
The challenge in having been raised in this sort of family is that once your emotional needs have gone unacknowledged for so long, you begin to question whether you are entitled to have them. We both became intellectuals, academics who lived lives ruled by the mind rather than the heart.
We needed to learn how to move towards each other, rather than silently retreat into one of our many books.
After we married, we needed to learn how to move towards each other, rather than silently retreat into one of the many books that lined the walls of our home. We needed to learn how to say, “I need you now. Please close your book and pay attention to me for a moment.”
It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t come naturally. We read books that rabbis and therapists had written about how to have a good marriage, and for homework, we practiced the exercises they recommended. We wrote lists, and charts, and learned how to actively listen. We stumbled and fell as we strove to develop true intimacy. That was preferable to taking refuge behind the familiar walls of silence while pretending that we didn’t have emotional needs because we were too afraid to voice them. We eventually succeeded in forging a bond that could both nurture us and sustain a family of our own.
People often marvel at how expressive our children are. My four year old knows how to say, “Please don’t make me do this. It’s too scary for me.” His older sister can say, “You made me a booboo in my feelings when you said that, and even though I wasn’t crying with my eyes, I was crying in my heart.” Sometimes, I hear her say to her little brother. “Don’t cry. Use your words. Tell me what is wrong.”
The rule in our house is that there is always space for feelings, and while their feelings don’t determine our house rules, it is our responsibility as parents to recognize how our behaviors affect them.
My kids have clear boundaries that they know not to cross. They go to bed on time and do their homework even when they don’t feel like it. And they also know that we are here to listen, that they are assured a chance of being heard.
Sometimes it is my listening more than my answers that are truly an act of love for my children.
It is not easy to assume this extra responsibility of listening as well as teaching, of learning as well as guiding. But it's worth the extra effort. When my children go to bed, I use this time as I tuck them in to listen to their last fading thoughts about their day. I know who there friends are. I know who hurt their feelings. I know that sometimes it is hard to listen to a teacher who talks in a funny voice, and that the tendency to snicker at those times can be overwhelming.
Yet I also know that occasionally these random thoughts are chased away by more serious concerns, such as “Do you love me when I misbehave? Then why do you punish me?”
At those times, I believe it is my listening more than my answers that are truly an act of love for my children. I hope that one day my children will recognize the that each word and thought that they shared was heard, and held, and remembered, and became part of the fabric of our home.
(17) Anonymous, April 6, 2014 4:21 PM
Wish I couldn't relate but I guess there is a reason for everything. I was much younger than everyone in my family so my little voice sometimes wasn't heard. If I did it over I'd teach my children at a younger age to have their own voice.
I'll look for an article on the other extreme one day, the kids that are too chuzpadik.
(16) sara, August 15, 2010 10:50 PM
very nice!
(15) Anonymous, January 7, 2010 9:00 PM
More inforamtion
Great article. would the author please suggest some books that she found most helpful.
(14) Miriam, December 27, 2009 2:47 AM
Ways to help children develop emotional intelligence
I went to a presentation given by Dr. Miriam Adahan this evening, outlining the contents of her "Tool Kit,": an actual box that is filled with original, helpful items such as an 'emotions ruler' to help children gauge the level of their pain or joy and special journals in which to write down the emotional/spiritual victories that we and our children achieve each day. Many people could benefit from using these and the other tools Dr.Adahan has developed, in order to make healthy space for emotions in their lives. I also hope the author of this piece will write a sequel, offering us her own tried and true techniques.
(13) Anonymous, December 27, 2009 2:41 AM
How wonderful that you triumphed over your upbringing
I am not that old but when I grew up adults were the ultimate authorities and you had little say in anything. I always listened to my son and took everything he said seriously. always responded to his fears and concerns too so he knew his feelings were valid. I never fobbed him off with "Just because I say so" or "you're just a child". I was extremely timid and still struggle to speak up for myself. My son has amazing self esteem and we get so many positive comments about him. The mothers who are jealous were the ones I overheard telling their kids, "Just because", "Don't be stupid", "Wipe that grin off your face" etc. Why is it necessary to speak like that to children? That said, we never let my son rule the roost like my cousin who proudly told people that her eight year old daughter decided where they would go on holiday every year!
(12) Gemma, December 24, 2009 9:21 PM
Beautiful!
(11) SusanE, December 24, 2009 4:26 AM
Thank you Sarah for telling us about the problem solving you and your husband found for giving your children a voice in your household. Our era didn't talk about emotions or about feelings. I was told to be good and act like a lady. Period. No one told me how to accomplish those things. If we tried to talk about how we felt to parents, then they had to deal with those feelings (they didn't know how) and it was just too much of an imposition. And my parents said the 'troubles' of the young weren't really important troubles. So we grew up by 'the seat of our pants' hoping to please someone and find our own way around issues. I wish it could have been different and my parents listened and I could tell them anything but they weren't. So what you do is you find someone else to tell things to and have discussions with. That is sometimes how really good close friends from childhood are formed.
(10) Anonymous, December 23, 2009 7:02 PM
I would love to hear practical tips that I can apply to my own life
(9) Anonymous, December 22, 2009 9:58 PM
Tell me how you do it
Quote: People often marvel at how expressive our children are. My four year old knows how to say, “Please don’t make me do this. It’s too scary for me.” His older sister can say, “You made me a booboo in my feelings when you said that, and even though I wasn’t crying with my eyes, I was crying in my heart.” Sometimes, I hear her say to her little brother. “Don’t cry. Use your words. Tell me what is wrong.” Can you tell me how you taught this to your children? Having grown up in a home with emotional and physical deprivation, I struggle with this all the time.
(8) Anonymous, December 22, 2009 1:07 PM
I was raised a generation (not so long ago) where we were raised to know right from wrong, to be respectful, and to keep mitzvot.There was NO discussion of emotions.If our behavior wasout of line we were then reminded of our obligation to properconduct.We were not complimented for being good, or considerate, but were sharply scolded if not. tThere was no discussion or recognition of the REASON for our behavior. Only as adults did we begin to analyze our patterns and make adjustments as we raised our own famililes, now happily married with families of their own. I speak for an entire group of women who grew up in the post WW2 years. I strongly beljieve that the entire concept of emotional deprived homes is over stated as our parents functioned not anaylzed and raised us to the best of their abilities to deal with realities as they are and not to try to turn things to be our understanding of them. How you feel is important only if it hampers your understanding of Hashem's world and our job in it.
(7) Alma, December 21, 2009 10:53 PM
Feelings and family
Although growing up my life was chaotic and scary, I promised myself that my children would have a better life. My girls and I have a great relationship, where we talk about anything and everything. My husband and I decided that we would not shield them from the world, but answer them truthfully and honestly. Although they are my daughters, i can honestly say that they are my best friends.
(6) Anonymous, December 21, 2009 7:16 PM
So very beautiful!
I would love to hear more plus any practical tips.
(5) Miriam Adahan, December 21, 2009 7:48 AM
Great article!
Good for you! I'm sharing this article with a lot of others, who I know will be able to identify!
(4) Dasha18, December 21, 2009 4:12 AM
Tell me a story in your mouth.
I love putting my (4yr. old)son to sleep-that is when he tells me what bothers him. English is a second language for him. He often says, "Tell me a story in your mouth" Stop and let the child slowly and akwardly talk-you already know how .Sing to your child and your child will sing with you, Reduce all electronics. The 'boo boo in my feelings' comment is beautiful
(3) ruth, December 21, 2009 1:35 AM
emotional neglect
Emotional neglect is said to be the worst kind of neglect. Children need the ear of their parents. They need to know they can express their innermost thoughts and be heard. They need their parents. Children who do not experience this often develop great sensitivity, or not. Those who do know they have great gaps in their lives, and such gaps create depression and sorrow. it's wonderful to be able to turn what happened into a positive and to work hard to provide one's children with that listening ear, and also to be able to receive, from them, the love that was missing, and to teach them how to parent as you would have been, parented, to be beacons for the next generation, and the next.
(2) Anonymous, December 20, 2009 4:58 PM
Thank you - please write more!
This article is amazing, thank you. It would be great to hear more about the specifics of the journey towards becoming more emotionally available and reliable. Could you offer some practical tips, things you/your husband found most/least helpful. And any books that you would recommend. I think there are sadly a lot of us who grew up in very physically comfortable middle-class homes with very little if any emotional space. I love this article and would greatly appreciate hearing more.
(1) Anonymous, December 20, 2009 1:08 PM
wow
Thank you for writing this well-written and INspiring article. It is comforting to know that others have overcame the ''DISABILITY'' of growing up in an emotionally deprived home. My mother also came from a home where emotions were not held in high regard. However, my mother and father have always tried to make us feel secure in expressing ourselves. This became very important when my sibling was molested because my sibling was able to eventually reveal the abuse that happened. May we see the end of suffering and greet Mahsiach speedily in our days!