When Amy Chua was a little girl, she was extremely disrespectful to her mother. Her father angrily called her “garbage” in their native dialect.
Today, Amy is a mother herself. When her daughter, Sophia, acted extremely disrespectfully, Amy called her “garbage” in English. One evening at a dinner party, Amy mentioned what she had done. She felt immediately ostracized. A guest even broke down, cried, and had to leave early. The host and guests who remained tried in vain to convince Amy to change her ways.
Amy is a Yale Law professor and advocate of Chinese parenting methods. A recent piece she authored in the Wall Street Journal (1/8/11 Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior) explained how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful children.
Here are some things that Sophia and Lulu, her now tween daughters, have never been allowed to do:
- attend a sleepover
- have a playdate
- be in a school play
- complain about not being in a school play
- watch tv or play computer games
- get any grade less than an A
- not be the number 1 student in any subject except gym or drama
- play any instrument other than piano or violin
- not play the piano or violin.
Whew!
Not only that, but Amy writes that Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, “Hey fatty – lose some weight.” She bemoans the fact that Western parents veil the weight issue by speaking about ‘health’; never mentioning “the f-word.’ And still their children end up with eating disorders that require years of therapy to combat negative body images.
Related Article: The Entitled Child
When it comes to school, Amy again feels that Western parents fall short.
An A- brings praise, a B may bring praise or disapproval but never will a child be made to feel insecure by being called “stupid”, “worthless” or “a disgrace.”
Even if parents worry about their child’s skills, they will do so privately and may eventually speak to the principal about the teacher’s methods and the school’s curriculum.
What would Chinese parents do?
Chinese children never get a B. But if they would, there would be a “screaming, hair-tearing explosion.”
Chinese mothers would be horrified by an A-. Chinese children never get a B. But if they would, there would be a “screaming, hair-tearing explosion.” Then, the mother who feels devastated by her child’s failure would get hundreds of practice worksheets until the child moved up to an A.
There is no such thing as a child not doing well. If perfection is not achieved it must be that the child is not working hard enough. The solution is always punishing or shaming the child. Children are believed to be strong enough to take the shame and be better for it.
Amy concludes her article with proof of her parenting methods.
She tells a story that she believes reinforces her belief in Chinese-style coercion.
Lulu was about 7 and working on an incredibly difficult piano piece.
After one week of trying, Lulu announced that she was giving up. She stomped off and refused to return to the piano. Forced to return, she not only punched, thrashed and kicked, she also tore up the score. Amy pasted it back together and protected it in a plastic sheath. Lulu was threatened with “no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas, no Hannukkah (her father is Jewish), no birthday parties for 2, 3, 4, years.” She was called lazy, cowardly, self- indulgent and pathetic.
Lulu’s dad decided to get involved. He told his wife that he didn’t think the threats were helpful and maybe she just couldn’t do it.
Amy replied that Lulu’s sister Sophia was able to play the piece at this age.
When told that they were two different people, Amy rolled her eyes.
“Oh no, not this,” I said. “Everyone is special in their special own way,” I mimicked sarcastically. “Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don’t worry, you don’t have to lift a finger. I’m willing to put in as long as it takes, and I’m happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankee games.”
They worked at it all night, no permission granted even for a bathroom or water break. There was so much yelling, Amy lost her voice.
Amy concludes her piece triumphantly with the news that Lulu finally mastered the piece. She felt confident and played beautifully at her recital.
End of story.
But not in my book.
Sure there are too many times that we allow our children to give up. Of course we sometimes let our kids off too easily and try to shield their self-esteem. Anyone who has ever read my articles or attended my classes knows that I often speak about our raising a generation of entitled kids who are raised with an inflated sense of self. Parents who applaud and praise their children’s every act and do not hold them accountable teach kids to rely on egos instead of effort.
But in this entire article there has been no mention of character.
Related Article: Authority in Parenting
How do we define a successful child?
What are the values that I am trying to transmit to my children about who they are and who I hope they will one day grow up to be?
Can I call myself an accomplished parent if my child masters a piano piece while at the same time I have conveyed to my child that it’s okay to stomp on the heart of another?
Shaming a child may bring immediate results but what about the effects on one’s soul?
Calling a child “garbage” or “fatty” is mean. Shaming a child may bring immediate results but what about the effects on one’s soul? Embarrassing another human being goes against the dictates of our holy Torah. We believe that every person is created in the image of God, Himself. When you shame someone you are actually disrespecting the holiness that God placed within each one of us.
And what kind of parent will this child grow up to be? How will she speak to her own spouse and children?
At what price do we feel triumphant?
If I would have a conversation with Amy, I would share my own story about raising children successfully.
When my daughter, Shaindy, was in kindergarten, we were new to the neighborhood. I wanted my daughter to make friends with her classmates, so I asked her teacher for a class list. After going over the various names, we set up a play-date with Sora Leah.
The next day the little mini bus pulled up after school. The bus counselor wished me luck as both girls stepped down. The next three hours were a puzzle to me. Sora Leah said not one word. She sucked her thumb and had difficulty walking. She held onto Shaindy’s dress.
After Sora Leah was picked up, I called Shaindy into the kitchen.
“Is Sora Leah your friend, sweetie?” I asked.
“No, Mommy, Sora Leah doesn’t really have any friends,”
“Well, do you play together in school?” I wondered.
“No, Mommy, Sora Leah doesn’t play”.
I could not understand.
“Oh, Mommy,” Shaindy said sadly. “Every day the teacher calls out names of who is going to who after school. And every day Sora Leah cries because the teacher never calls her name. I just didn’t want her to cry anymore, Mommy.”
This little child looked up at me and I felt as if I had been touched by something indescribable; something pure and holy. Call it soul, spirit or heart of hearts. It really does not matter. Isn’t this the essence of who we strive to be – adult or child?
Today, Shaindy is a mother herself. She lives in Jerusalem and continues to reach out to fellow Jews and touching hungry souls.
We are here as parents to teach compassion, kindness and goodness. We are the greatest examples, our homes are our classrooms. Our goal is for each child to reach her potential. Not by calling her garbage nor through shame. But rather, through raising a child with soul.
(82) Anonymous, October 27, 2019 3:55 PM
NOW YOU UNDERSTAND THE WAY CHINESE KEEP TO ONE CHILD PER FAMILY
THE CHINESE DO NOT REBEL AGAINST THE RULE OF ONE CHILD PER FAMILY.
DISCIPLINE WITHOUT A SOUL.
THANK G'D HE DID NOT MAKE ME A CHINESE (GOY)
(81) Bobby5000, March 31, 2014 5:20 PM
another Chinese story
A Chinese mother told her son he needed to practice 1 hour per day. He initially complained, but after a few weeks, his skills improved and each day she listened as he played his lessons beautifully for precisely one hour each day. What she didn't know is that the astute young boy had taped the relevant lesson and played it back each as he relaxed. He became a creative and successful innovator.
One day in junior high school, my brother got less than expected grades. My mother screamed you will never became anything with grades like this. I know I will never go to college, my brother responded, I'll be digging ditches for the rest of my life. My mother backtracked saying the grades could improve but my brother was steadfast, saying he would never go to college. He ended up going to a renowned school, and my mom spent the next two weeks trying to calm him down and pick up his spirits. And I learned what can be accomplished sometimes by agreeing with people.
These Chinese stories are nice but the Jewish kids I know, for better or worse, are a whole lot more independent.
. .
(80) Anonymous, January 19, 2014 10:23 PM
I have had the pleasure and fortune of being taught Torah by your daughter Shaindy while I was in Israel. You raised a tremendously holy soul, Slovie. To me, meeting Shaindy and getting to know her, even for that brief time, solidifies that every word you wrote in this article is true. I pray for the well being of Amy's two girls.
(79) Human, November 19, 2012 4:21 AM
And you thought Amy Chua was bad...
If you think Amy Chua is bad, wait until you read about China Wolf Father Xiao Baiyou. If his children make any mistakes from not being able to play a piano piece correctly to even as little as sleeping in the wrong position, they receive several strikes to their hands or calves with the handle of a feather duster. He makes amy Chua look like a kitten rather than a tiger.
(78) emily, June 5, 2012 7:52 PM
I agree with Tziporah who thinks Chua has abused her children. It sickens me that Chua went on to write a book on how she abused her kids. It sickens me that, largely, emotional abuse is ok (or at least, legal). The author's story of feeling successful as a parent when Shaindy was compassionate is truly heart warming and inspirational and helped settle my stomach.
(77) Andre M. Smith, April 12, 2012 3:58 PM
Why is the art of music required to endure the ill-informed antics of such inartistic imbeciles as Amy Chua? Her lust for fame as an old-fashioned stage mother of either a famous violinist (yet another mechanical Sarah Chang?) or a famous pianist (yet another mechanical Lang Lang?) shines through what she perceives as devotion to the cultivation of the cultural sensitivities of her two unfortunate daughters. Daughter Lulu at age 7 is unable to play compound rhythms from Jacques Ibert with both hands coordinated? Leonard Bernstein couldn’t conduct this at age 50! And he isn’t the only musician of achievement with this-or-that shortcoming. We all have our closets with doors that are not always fully opened. And why all this Chinese obsession unthinkingly dumped on violin and piano? What do the parents with such insistence know of violin and piano repertoire? Further, what do they know of the great body of literature for flute? For French horn? For organ? For trumpet? Usually, nothing! For pressure-driven (not professionally-driven!) parents like Amy Chua their children, with few exceptions, will remain little more than mechanical sidebars to the core of classical music as it’s practiced by musicians with a humanistic foundation. Professor Chua better be socking away a hefty psychoreserve fund in preparation for the care and feeding of her two little lambs once it becomes clear to them both just how empty and ill-defined with pseudo-thorough grounding their emphasis has been on so-called achievement. Read more about this widespread, continuing problem in Forbidden Childhood (N.Y., 1957) by Ruth Slenczynska. ________________________ André M. Smith, Bach Mus, Mas Sci (Juilliard) Diploma (Lenox Hill Hospital School of Respiratory Therapy) Postgraduate studies in Human and Comparative Anatomy (Columbia University) Formerly Bass Trombonist The Metropolitan Opera Orchestra of New York, Leopold Stokowski’s American Symphony Orchestra (Carnegie Hall)
(76) AL, May 15, 2011 7:12 PM
I raised my children in a loving manner and it is reflected in my children,grand children and great-grandchildren.
(75) Anonymous, February 27, 2011 6:05 AM
Demanding all A's is UNAACEPTABLE!
I am still in high school. I try hard for good grades for myself but my parents hardly ever mention grades- I try hard for myself. If I do badly they may say that I could do better but they do not push me too hard for As. A girl I know's parents make her get all as except in one very hard class. I find that UNACCEPTABLE that parents demand all As.
(74) Anonymous, February 10, 2011 2:00 AM
wow that is all i have to say
(73) sara, February 1, 2011 9:19 AM
@chava so would most jewish parents
(72) Moj, January 30, 2011 8:40 PM
The pitfalls of Chinese parenting method
I cannot agree more with the author of this article. We need people with souls. Also, who is to say that the Chinese are really better at raising successful children? You need to define success first, and then ask what percentage of the chinese are really successful to begin with. If material success is really the yard-stick, then you shall have to see what percentage of the vicitims of chinese method really make it. Common, Amy still feels like garbage and tht is file she feels obliged to call herself successful at something, just please leave motherhood alone....
(71) Tziporah, January 30, 2011 4:25 PM
Child abuse
This excerpt from Amy Chua is nothing more than glorified child abuse. Who says that the goal of life is never to have anything below an A? So its ok to beat and shame your children for the sake of perfect piano playing? Don't call this parenting. This behavior is devoid of any humanity. Any psychotic can beat, humiliate, torture, deprive, and crush a child into obedience. This article perfectly highlights the absolute insanity, emptiness, and cruelty of living in a G-dless world.
(70) Juifenaise, January 26, 2011 3:18 PM
Chinese parenting works -- Don't be wishy-washy
As a French-American Jew married to a Chinese woman, I have to admit that Chinese-style parenting seems to work. I raised my daughter to only speak French at home. I subscribed to almost a dozen French children's magazines, bought hundreds of story books and picture books and was able to finish most of the CP (1st year) correspondence course provided by the Ministry of Education, all of which I accomplished with lots of love and encouragement. Unfortunately, my wife was fiercely dedicated to providing expensive piano lessons for our daughter. Violent screaming fights broke out and my wife beat my daughter with two or three wire coat hangers to force her to play. She swore that she would chop her hands off if she didn't practice ("I don't care if I go to jail, but you WILL practice). My wife also swore that French was the ugliest language in the world, and she forbade her to study with me (I was forced to stop all French reading and writing practice -- my daughter reluctantly obeyed her mother but not me -- I refused to force her to learn French). She had to play the piano and concentrate on her Chinese school homework. I was certain that my daughter would grow up to hate the piano and anything associated with music. Miracle of miracles, my daughter grew up to be an excellent musician able to play several different musical instruments. She has perfect pitch and can play any song after hearing it only once. Her written French is another matter. I didn't insist (it broke my heart to see what was happening, and we eventually divorced), so my daughter can speak passable French, but her written French has remained at a very basic level. Drilling and discipline really do work. My daughter now earns her living through music. She doesn't seem to have suffered psychologically. In fact, she adamantly defends her mother's parenting skills. If only I had pushed her a little harder to learn French ...
(69) Anonymous, January 24, 2011 10:57 PM
Regardless
It is frightening to see parents forego the importance of humanity and its components in a child. Character development should not include verbal abuse, and personal attacks upon the child's sense of self. One can still be wildly successful (to fulfill the parent's need for validation of self-importance(!)), without destroying a child's burgeoning confidence in herself and her ability to surmount challenges and obstacles. I seriously shudder to think of such parents ever having a disabled child! As well, I do not believe that a parent should "practice" the competitive theories of personal advance by using cruelty, harshness, verbal assaults on a child's spirit and soul - for ANY reason. Ms Chau, while she may have "reformed" herself, has nothing to teach anyone of value, except for the need for unstable sociopaths to get a grip on their social climbing.
(68) Chava, January 23, 2011 8:37 AM
Jewish parenting
I suppose Chinese parents would find it harsh if a Jewish parent slaps their child for turning on the light on Shabbos.
Melissa, May 17, 2012 5:11 AM
What?
Who slaps their child for turning on the light on Shabbos? Are you trying to create a negetaive association with Shabbos or a negative association with you? There are plenty of ways to teach about Shabbos - slapping is not one of them.
(67) Anonymous, January 23, 2011 5:24 AM
I read Amy Chua's article in the Wall Street Journal. The mothering techinques that she described were apalling by anyone's standards. How anyone could deprive a child of a washroom brake during piano practice, reserve the right to call a child fatso and garbage is beyond me. The fact that all of this is done in the name of the great "god" of achievement is what bothers me the most. A lot of sanity is sacrificed to that "god." Parents who demand straight A's of their children should carefully reasses their values.
(66) Joy, January 23, 2011 3:18 AM
Wow!
I am in awe of the selflessness of the kindergarten girl in this story, Shaindy. What a wonderful lesson in teaching children to care about others, to act altruistically, and to consider other peoples' feelings... even at such a very young age! Thank you for this enlightening article about character traits- much food for thought here.
(65) ML, January 23, 2011 2:21 AM
stereotypes
I very much doubt that Prof. Chua's methods are any more typical of Chinese parents than the old stereotypes of "Jewish mothers" and "Jewish American princesses" are of Jewish parents. Indeed, I remember reading articles some years ago about how Chinese parents spoiled their children (which I suspect were also an overgeneralization).
(64) Lynn Baroff, January 22, 2011 6:00 AM
You obviously didn't read Amy Chua's book.
If you had read her book, you would know how she changed her approach from harshness to collaboration and support, without sacrificing the development of expectations for achievement in the daughter's best interest.
(63) Carmen Isabel Flores Velazquez, January 21, 2011 6:59 PM
A Very Touching Article
I agree completely with Slovie Jungreiss, as a mother I believe that we cannot harm our children in any possible way. Amy Chua is completely wrong in her views about raising children, because using mean words, beating, yelling or using punishment, the only thing that we will get, is angry people, people filled with hated, low selfsteem, apparently the child could mastered music or get an A . But soul harms stay forever in our children souls. She is wrong in her views, because maybe for her successful is only to get A , financial success and so on. But in reallity success goes further, succes is to be compasionate, have good feelings, love, be succesfull in our relations with others, not only financially or in the academia. Sometimes I feel that our western society need to go back to the real values as Respect, Tolerance, Love, Compassion and obviously as parents we must to establish moral limits to our children but we must show love at the same time.
(62) Aura Slovin, January 21, 2011 2:27 AM
Beautiful and very true
When my son was 6 yrs old we went to visit my parents who live in Queens. I was driving and he was in the front passenger seat, as we were exiting one highway onto another on a long ramp a car to my right honked and the driver asked for directions. I had rolled down my window to hear him the one by my son's seat but as hard as I tried I could not make out his question, cars behind us started honking as I had slowed down and I shrugged and told him I was sorry I could not help him. Rolled up the window and my little boy burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. What is it Simcha? Through heaving sobs he stated, "that man is lost and you were not able to help him and now he will be driving on the highway for the rest of his life!"!!!! I was astonished at the level of compassion and feeling my son had, and trying to make light of it - told him "Don't worry sweetheart he will run out of gas long before then" - then I commended him for being so caring but assured him that just ahead another driver will surely be able to help him get to his destination. Children are indeed amazing and we can learn much from them. They are precious souls that Hashem has entrusted to us and even if one has no children by interacting w. them w. kindness and compassion one can have a tremendous impact and influence.
(61) Rochel Geller, January 20, 2011 11:52 PM
Amy's story is more about perceptions of needing to survive, than "parenting" per se
I suppose that Amy's reasoning is because it's her family belief pattern that you need these sort of skills in order to succeed in life, that you'd do anything until almost killing the child in order to 'save' them by teaching them to be obedient and successful. The truth is that nowadays there are lots of ways to be successful, and it's being recognized that being obedient and a straight A student is not always the best recipe for success. So Amy's methods seem much harsher, than they might if these things really represented survival to most of us today. She doesn't question, and that's the troubling part of the way she brings up her kids. Except that, her description of it to the world IS a sort of question, it's a 'please challenge me'. Lots of people act under the influence of fear and survival (real or imaginary, current or archaic) and all she's doing in this article is showing how even in the face of modern Americans, she managed to - survive. Survive in her parenting and in keeping her kids on the 'straight and narrow' - in her perspective, at least. And yet, if she thinks about it, she was given her 'Chinuch' in order to help her survive, and what she's doing is not really going to help her child survive and thrive in today's world. So it would be more in keeping with her own internal values, to question, what are the most important survival skills in today's day and age: yes, they may include more obedience than average nowadays. They also include methods to understand another person's points even when you feel threatened by them, and finding out what your heart truly wants, and of course, realizing Hashem is supporting us, and seeking friendly connections in the world. What she instead succeeded in is creating trauma in her husband and child, and probably herself, which can fester. Maybe though, the episode, article and discussions will trigger more open-mindedness, discussions and healing for the family, and I hope they succeed in that too.
(60) Chava, January 20, 2011 10:40 PM
Totally out of Contex
While she makes some valid points, the author has taken Amy's Chua's article completely out of context.
(59) naomi cohen, January 20, 2011 6:26 PM
teachers beware!
i agree with mindy- i am a teacher and i promised myself i would never shame my children as i was shamed as a child. my siddur was taken away for not pointing and i was crying and embarrassed when the teacher finally took it out of the closet and returned it to me. Who else remembers the comparison charts with stickers for 90 or above on them. Who cares if you have 25 stickers when most of the class had 30- it was pure shame! be careful adults with those weaker than you!
(58) asher, January 20, 2011 7:30 AM
Lovely Article and authentic jewish response
Even if we were to accept that "achievement" is what is important and not being a mensch, fifteen million Jews have produced more world class scientists, artists etc. than a billion Chinese, so the Jewish mother must be doing something right.
(57) Miriam, January 20, 2011 6:36 AM
at least one of her girls will "rebel"
Growing up in the permissive and child-centered society of America, certainly by the time these girls are set free to university, at least one of them will turn her back on her Chinese parenting "heritage." She might not pick up all the right pieces to replace it, but she will let some of that pain or discontent come to the surface and find expression in the American environment. Usually I'd say the "village raising a child" is unhealthy (since it's inconsistent and generally undermines parental authority), but sometimes it does help children to leave behind a damaging influence.
(56) Ronni, January 20, 2011 2:43 AM
Doesn't Work
Did anyone here see last season's show of "The Biggest Loser"? Remember the Korean girl who ate herself into obesity because of just this type of parenting tactics? If the Asian community keeps it up they won't be famous for perfection but rather cruelty.
(55) Anonymous, January 20, 2011 2:25 AM
Amy Chua
While I have always been amazed by Chinese success, i find the price, if that is how it is achieved, too high. I am stunned that despite reactions from friends about her methods as described that this did not deter Amy Chua from writing a book! I do agree that in this country, too many parents don't parent and our society is definitely affected in a negative way and this has deep ramifications.. Amy Chua's daughters are still teenagers. I think she should have waited to declare "success". G-d willing, everything will turn out fine.
(54) Mindy, January 19, 2011 10:32 PM
The fault lies with the teacher who calls out names of those having play dates. It is the same as when teachers used to say weights of all children out loud.
(53) Yisroel, January 19, 2011 7:41 PM
Chua's point is lost on many because of her 'shock therapy' style of presenting it..
One has got to be blind not to realize that her extremist parenting approach is way over the top. And I think she's using this shock therapy style of presentation to get her message across. And there's a very valuable message that people seem to overlook. and it's not about making one's child do what the parent wants. Forget the violin or music, that's not the issue. But ask yourself is there VALUE, I mean real super-human value in any achievement. Do you know anyone who became truly great, i mean 'impacting-human-experience-as-we-know-it' kind of great, at anything without forcing themselves to go beyond the norm, beyond what seemed to be possible. Sacrificing personal wants, sometimes even health to achieve his or her goal? It is our job as parents, as people, to explain to ourselves and to our kids that 1). we must identify what is truly valuable in Life. (for us frum folks - this is the service to our Creator) and 2). To pursue this goal with our entire being. If being human means realizing some sort of potential, than we must realize it is not a part-time job. The job of a parent is help the child realize that potential. NOT TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH THE CHILD. of course not. but for the love of your children help them blossom into their true potential greatness!!! It's a fine line to walk, and of course, insulting the child has nothing to do with perpetuating his/her growth. you shouldn't insult anyone. Anyone who has studied Torah knows the complete and harmonious BALANCE that it preaches in everything. There's really no need to even compare Jewish parenting and Chinese. But it is possible to find the beneficial point within Chua's extremism and I think it's helpful to focus on that.
(52) Anonymous, January 19, 2011 6:02 PM
I was also called fat
I was never fat! My dad hated that I was getting womanly. (I was 5'6" and weighed 120. I WAS NOT FAT. And besides, girls' bodies change as they grow-- ugly ducklings turn into swans with time!) I thought that men who said I was pretty were incredibly kind-- and blind. And I slept with them. "Just one kind word" was all it took. My mother, an exec., was passive. I am 42 years old, still pretty, and while I don't sleep around, I am so happy that my dad has been dead for four years and that I don't have to hear his voice when I call my mom, who has since remarried the nicest man on the planet. I was raised with total humiliation-- he;d tell me to shut up in front of guests and told me that I had to loose "15 pounds off my fat a--" to ride his amazing horses. Amy Chua is as messed up as the rest of us, but her flaw is in child rearing and it is refreshing in some regard to know that a YALE LAW PROFESSOR can be so oblivious and confused. I just hope poor LuLu sees the light one day and doesn't emmulate her terrible mother.
(51) Jessica, January 19, 2011 5:48 PM
Success?
I think that this Chinese woman has a very skewed view of success. If in fact, her theories were correct, Chinatown, NY would be Scarsdale, NY and Chinese people would be running the United States in every industry. Is this the case? No. I am doubtful about the true success and greatness of a culture that dumps their daughters, that sterilizes their citizens, that has no human rights- The sad part of the whole article is the Jewish man who so pathetically married a Chinese woman. What a sick perspective of Chanukah to place on the world. A holiday that celebrates the rededication of the Holy Temple and the miracles of Hashem. The true superior mother is the Jewish mother- the mother who raises children to be descent, honest and highly successful, happy and well adjusted adults. This Tiger mother should really check her numbers before she makes a claim to fame- there are a billion Chinese and a tiny population of Jews. Who can show proportionately a higher success rate? She sadly misses one element to her story, her kids also inhereted their father's Jewish successful genes, too bad they were wasted on a goy.
(50) Galia Berry, January 19, 2011 3:39 PM
The REAL Chinese parenting
A very enlightening documentary, called "Please Vote for Me!" about children in China running for class monitor, and all the politicking encouraged and abetted by their parents and teachers. You can see this on youtube.com. Here's a glimpse (part 1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rctk6mzRVuA&feature=related or (part 4): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ89X3kS3lA
(49) Susan Fein, January 19, 2011 3:09 PM
Thank you!
Oh Slovie! Your response is so beautifully worded. My heart goes out to the child of such strict parenting, as I can only imagine how wounded she felt. Thank you for transmitting the beautiful and lasting values taught in the Torah, and spreading such wisdom and healing in the world! Much love, Susan :)
(48) Anonymous, January 19, 2011 2:09 PM
ive seen it
My father is a European Immigrant born and raised until he emigrated at the age of 30 under communist regiem and he was severly beaten and berated on a daily basis at home, school, etc. my dad also starved (to the point where he was skin and bones) as a child and even in early adulthood. my father can be the nicest person in the world and is in many ways my hero.unlike most parents he has NEVER laid a hand on us but his voice cuts through you like a knife. I dont think amy chua should do what she did - thank gd im strong and am making a life on my own, etc. but words can hurt or heal. and words can stay with you for life. thank gd with many friends and family i am getting a MUCH higher self-esteem but im always looking at what i do wrong. DONT YELL OR BERATE YOUR KIDS!!!
(47) sheiloa ginsberg, January 19, 2011 6:22 AM
different parenting styles
Character development should take precedence over achievement in academics. Chinese parenting styles sound something like torture tactics. Negative comments and criticism can cause a lifetime of emotional pain.However, unlike the strict upbringing of European immigrants, American parenting today has become too lenient and self-serving.Some parents do not wish to deal with the difficult problems of parenting but unstead wish to be their child's best friend. It is difficult for them to say no, to insist on standards and discipline.Therefore, we must restore the child-rearing techniques of our forebearers from Europe.Many of today's children are spoiled, pampered, self-centered and feel entitled . An appreciation of their parents, of other children and adults, , understanding of the value of material things and spirituality must be cultivated. In sum, there needs to be a balance between goal-setting, academic achievement and Jewish values.But, in the end decency and character development win out.
(46) daliah, January 19, 2011 1:40 AM
my mother insulted me when i was younger- she aid i was a bad person- in very harsh and vulgar terms. I'm an adult and still trying to recover from it- never insult your child.
(45) CB, January 19, 2011 1:16 AM
Sora Leah?
What happened to Sora Leah?
(44) James Kendall, January 18, 2011 10:22 PM
Comment from the peanut gallery
I don't have any children of my own but I do realize a little fact of parenting. You don't have much time to do it in. As I watch my nephews and nieces grow up, it amazes me how much they change as a people from month to month. They are ever changing and if you can find that one constant within them, that one special talent, skill or desire in them you have done something special right there. Seeing that potential and helping them realize what they can be, now that is a successful parent.
(43) Jackie n, January 18, 2011 8:30 PM
Chinese mothering does not breed creativity, self esteem or people skills
As a young Jewish woman from an immigrant family I have always been taught to work hard, do my best and respect my elders. Amy Chua's thesis on parenting would have been fine had she stuck with those values and built upon them. However her overall message to parents was not one of teaching your children that the key to success is working hard, but rather that the key to successful children is raising them in an emotionally abusive atmosphere whereby a child's measure of success is not determined by that child's happiness or overall well-being but rather by metrics such as good grades and "wins". To me this is not success. Success is being happy in your field. It can revolve around various skill sets and fields and is not restricted to academia or business. Success is also not always a result of practice makes perfect. Often success in life is based on a number of factors such as people skills, self esteem, and confidence in your abilities. By making her 7 year old daughter practice a recital piece until she had perfected it. When her daughter refused to comply with her mother's whims her mother retaliated by threatening that she would not let her attend any family events and what's worse is that she further demeaned her daughter by telling her she was less intelligent then her older sister who had perfected the piece already. I don't understand how any parenting expert or parent can see this type of behavior as normal. It is abuse, pure and simple. Demeaning a young child, causing rifts between siblings, and forcing young children to perform like stage dogs is not healthy for either the parent or the child. To me it seems like Amy Chua grew up wanting to be successful at many endeavors, and when she failed she tried to pass on her neuroses and expectations onto her very young children. Shame on Amy Chua for abusing her kids and shame on her husband, a Jew, who would accept this type of behavior from the mother of his children.
(42) DIANA MITRANI, January 18, 2011 6:20 PM
COMPASSION AND EMPATHY AND HUMOR MAKE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL CHILDREN
I AM A SINGLE JEWISH MOTHER OF FOUR CHILDREN. MY EX HUSBAND HAS REALLY NEVER HAD A STRONG ROLE IN THE UPBRINGING OF MY CHILDREN WHO ARE NOW 24, 21, 19, TWIN BOYS. THEREFORE I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE BROUGHT THESE CHILDREN UP WITH MY OWN FORM OF SUCCESS STORY THANK G-D. WITH HIS BLESSINGS... I THINK PARENTS NEED TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.... I DID NOT FIGHT EVERY BATTLE , AS I SAW MANY OF MY FRIENDS FIGHT, AND GET FRUSTRATED. I FOUGHT THE WARS ... WHAT I MEAN IS MY CHILDREN KNEW WHAT THINGS REALLY WERE IMPORTANT TO ME , AND WHAT I DID NOT TOLERATE DRUGS, ALCOHOL, DISRESPECT TO ME OR THEIR GRANDPARENTS, AND FATHER. EMPATHY , THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TEACHING YOUR CHILD THAT EVERY CREATURE ON EARTH SHOULD BE RESPECTED NOT MIMICKED OR OSTRACIZED. IT SCARES ME TO DEATH WHEN A CHILD IS CRUEL OR MEAN , OR A BULLY TO ANOTHER CHILD OR AN ANIMAL. THIS LACK OF EMPATHY IS A RED FLAG THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG. HUMOR ...IS SO IMPORTANT LAUGHING MAKING JOKES AT THE DINNER TABLE, IN THE CAR ESTABLISHING FUNNY "FAMILY INSIDE JOKES" MAKES YOU STRONGER AS A FAMILY. LAST BUT NOT LEAST FOOD SHARING COOKING EATING TOGETHER IS SO IMPORTANT . MY CHILDREN ALWAYS HAD A MEAL TOGETHER , AND NO MATTER WHAT WAS GOING ON I MADE SURE THEY HAD HOMECOOKED MEALS , AND SPECIAL PACKED LUNCHES IN THEIR BACK PACK. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GOURMET , AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT WITH LOVE.... YOUR CHILDREN WILL KNOW THAT WHAT YOU DO IS OUT OF LOVE AND "THEY " ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE ON EARTH. THE "SUCCESS" COMES ON IT'S OWN WHEN THEY ARE AS MY CHILDREN ARE GROWN UP TO BE HEALTHY WELL ADJUSTED PEOPLE WHO VALUE HOME, FAMILY, G-D , AND HAVE A HIGH SELF ESTEEM.
(41) Akiva Hillel Marcus, January 18, 2011 3:06 PM
Chinese Chesed
I am a Chinese convert to Judaism. What Amy Chua does is not representative of Chinese parenting. There is nothing particularly Chinese in her appraoch. I would say it is just one of the many approaches to parenting in a "chinese" society. There are many children in China, who being the only child in the family, are extremely spoilt by their parents too. I would say a lot of chinese are clueless what true parenting is (they could not find the right balance in love and discipline for their child), while there are also many others who are very prudent in educating their children in tradition values that are strikingly similar to traditional Jewish ones. Chinese tradition teaches one to honour and respect their parents. While in Judaism, honouring one's parents is mandated by Hashem. My personal take on the correct approach to parenting is to first of all, keep the Torah. When children see their parents' discipline in observing the Torah, they automatically learn from their parents and subject themselves to the divinely appointed authority in the family. In raising a child, we should emulate Hashem, showing more love than discipline, respecting the dignity of the child, be slow to anger, yet firm and uncompromising. Shaming them is definitely not the way (shaming children as a parenting method is not found in any of the classical Chinese books). Teaching them the sages' princely nobility (Pirkei Avot) by living the priciples out ourselves is the way.
(40) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 2:18 PM
Missed the point
Well, Mrs. Jungreis-Wolff missed the point entirely. The point of the original article was that in a "chinese" household, the child doesn't feel shame- rather they are trained to receive criticism as loving-guidance rather than insult. Re-read that carefully just to make sure you aren't misunderstanding me or the article. If the child did receive it as insult, of course it would be devastating and counter-productive to guide them in such a way. The point of the article, ironically, was not about "chinese mothers", but actually about the nature of their children and whether or not they can benefit from strict guidance. I agree with Mrs. Jungreis-Wolff on the tangential point that violin playing shouldn't be as high a goal as good middot, but that wasn't the point of the original article at all. Following the logic of the original article, if "chinese" mothers would guide their children toward good middot, they will be exceptionally successful in that as well- more so than non-"chinese" mothers. I'm not advocating this style of parenting at all, but if the child is strong enough and the message is clear enough it obviously has its merits when done properly. We should long for the days when we were humble enough to want criticism when it helped us grow. Now we are so weak... or at least we are told that we are.
(39) shani, January 18, 2011 9:25 AM
thank you
thank you so much that last story about you raising your daughter, brought tears of Jewish pride to my eyes. may you continue to inspire people to the path of truth.
(38) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 8:02 AM
Student who shot up his college with an AK-47 was product of "Chinese style" mothering.
My daughter was the first chair in one of the most prestegious HS student Orchestras. Concert Master (only position above her) was an streight A student raised "Chinese style." Although from a different state, a mini romance began between our daughter and him. When He showed up at our house Imy husband and I were shocked, when in talking with him, to hear he hated school and even hated playing violin. It was obvious he'd been raised "Chinese Style." When asked what he would like to do, he said never got to, but wished he could, play basket ball instead. This confession made us very uncomfortable with him. When we shared our discomfort with our daughter, it reinforced her own intuition giving her the courage to end the relationship. Two years later we learned that he'd shot up his college liberary with an AK-47 killing and injuring people there.
(37) Andy, January 18, 2011 4:41 AM
"educate each child according to his way"
There are approx 2 billion Chinese in the world. Over 1.3 in China alone. There are approx 14 million Jews or one Jew for every 154 Chinese. I would think that that the vast majority of Chinese or any other group are not displaying academic or artistic achievement at such high levels whatever the parenting style..Do Amy Chua's and Slovie Jungreiss Wolffe share the same goals for their children? Do they measure what constitutes success similarly? Is the value of inviting a sad lonely child home to play held in high regard in Amy Chua's home or in others with a similar mindset? Is it as valued as getting into the "right" school?[or yeshiva] If the goal is to raise a mensch it seems a mistake to confuse superior results whether in Talmud, Math,,music, art, athletics etc with quality of character. Success in these areas are primarily gifts.Even when serious efforts are required [which is always the case if one is competing at the highest levels] nobody makes it on their own, and to mistakenly feel one's success is solely or even primarily a result of ones own efforts is living outside reality. Parenting seems to involve teaching a child how to live in reality and how to best utilize their gifts and challenges. The sages say all tests are gifts and all gifts are tests. If teaching children that making the effort to identify and overcome ones yaitzer hara is the goal of life then the parents who are successful in instilling that effort whether with tough love or a gentle word or with some combination seem to me to be be the ones to have succeeded.
(36) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 1:12 AM
Bravo for some wisdom in this age!
Excellent article, too bad we have wondered away from the principles of Torah. T.S.
(35) Jong, January 17, 2011 9:54 PM
Parenting injecting inferiority complex
I was born and grown up in Korea. Just like China, in Korea which university we attend has played a major role in our future, hence parents do whatever it takes. Obviously not all students can go to the best universities and those kids who fail are often viewed inferior. Korean system, just like Chinese’, therefore, produces a huge number of unhappy people suffering from inferiority complex for the rest of their lives. Amy Chua struck me with her audacity. True. It is important to train a child disciplined. The problem is that most Chinese parents threaten and coerce children not because their children do not meet their potential but rather they cannot tolerate their children inferior to others. The essence here is you “should win the competition” in whatever cost. How can a child constantly comparing her/himself with others be creative and happy enough?
(34) karen, January 17, 2011 9:48 PM
children, parents and the world
children need lots of discipline and tons of love!!!!!!! no name calling should be allowed at any time. it is bad for the human soul. also, no hitting. the competition in today's world is fierce but no one should be raised in a bubble; it is literally impossible. yet, I see, and hear it on a daily basis. I am not here to spread a bad word about anyone but children need to be educated and it starts at home. the teachers are not responsible for the masses of children in today's schools (anywhere in the world). for decades, the media does not allow in making it easier on parents. and there are so many dangers out there. educating our children and being part of their lives is the key and answer to success. all with love and patience.
(33) Leah I., January 17, 2011 9:34 PM
Thank you for clarifying
I''m so glad you wrote this article. I had read the piece in the WSJ, and was starting to feel that my children were missing out because my home lacks the discipline of the Chinese model. What a relief to be reminded that our definition of success is quite different, that we strive to imbue spirituality and Torah, not academic and extracurricular excellence.
(32) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 8:42 PM
Amy has the wrong idea, I agree
I had Shaindy as a teacher in the aish program Jewel in Israel, she is very kind, beautiful, and a wonderful teacher. That is the way to raise children! Thank you Mrs. Jungreis-Wolff for sharing this with everyone! It seems Amy doesn't care much for her children's individuality, unfortunately.
(31) Bruce, January 17, 2011 7:26 PM
Balance
We obviously need to strike a balance between being strict and pushing children when they resist (homework, piano, sports, Judaism, etc.) and being non-demanding and non-judgmental. Judaism strikes a good balance: embrace with your (stronger) right hand and push away with your (weaker) left hand. Amy Chua provides the answer to what I had thought was only a thought experiment: what if we only pushed? Not surprisingly, he children get good grades and play the piano well. But I was surprised (based on the popular press accounts --- I have not read her book) that her children are as well-adjusted as they seem to be. I would not go to her extreme, but I might consider doing a little more pushing at the margins with my kids.
(30) Gary Katz, January 17, 2011 6:40 PM
A Method of Encouragement without Ridicule
When my daughters want to quit something because they think it's too hard, I tell them to stick with it because I can see they have the brains/talent to eventually master it. I occasionally let them quit if it's something that they obviously will never get (e.g., my older daughter is wonderful on piano but terrible on saxophone. I encouraged her to concentrate on piano and dump the sax, to which she readily agreed). The side effects of negative reinforcement almost always outweigh any benefits.
(29) Chaya V, January 17, 2011 6:18 PM
Missing the Point
The point of Amy Chua's article is that it's all in the dynamic. Chua is saying that the Chinese parents fully believe in their children's abilities, and that there is no "I can't", when really, they can. It's true that Amy Chan's article didn't mention character/being nice, etc., but it also wasn't about that. It was about not letting kids have excuses, and about parents believing that anyone can get an A.
(28) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 4:50 PM
risks
I will never forget the 17 year old asian girl in the PICU who (successfully) committed suicide upon receipt of her rejection letter from Yale. overdosed on Tylenol, we lost her after thrre days and a transfer for a liver transplat that she never stabilized enough to receive. I guess Ms. Chua would approve, though- after all, she was a "failure"
(27) bobbie, January 17, 2011 4:06 PM
How Touching!
That is a beautiful story. How touching to have such a young child with such a heart! I would take that any day over playing violin, piano or getting straight A's (or is it A 's) However, a child like Shaindy may also get good grades because she is living such a beautiful life and feels so good about herself.
(26) Suma, January 17, 2011 3:43 PM
I raised two successful kids without ridicule
I am of a philosphy that as parents, we are here to help raise the "image and likeness of God" just that, his image and likeness. Our children will soon leave, become individuals independent of us; but, mindful that they are here on earth amont the living TO BE the image and likeness of God. They will have learned how to respect others, convey the respect they have learned from their parents and convey all the life lessons they have learned growing up. My two kids grow up well-rounded, they excell in athletics, academics and good citizens. Both them have earned graduate and advanced degrees in the field of their own choosing and never fails to thank us of the way they were brought up.
(25) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 11:38 AM
I appreciate this article
I attended a Jewish Day School and I did not learn about soul in Judaism until I was in my twenties and learned about kabbalah. My good jewish home resembled more of the chinese home that you describe. I see it now too with how my nieces and nephews are raised in their observant jewish homes too. It saddens me.
(24) Dorothy, January 17, 2011 5:33 AM
We seem very eager to judge
There are two follow-up pieces in the Wall Street Journal that should be read before anybody passes judgment on Amy Chua, who did not by the way choose the title of that first excerpt. The story causing all the controversy was a single chapter in a book that covered many different issues in her own evolution as a mom. Read all three stories before you make up your mind.
(23) David S. Levine, January 17, 2011 5:12 AM
Article Proves a Point
A generation ago a Nobel Prize winning physicist, William Schokley published a book showing that blacks were inferior and would be more likely not to succeed at the college level. I write that to make the point that a high degree of knowledge in one subject area does not translate into all areas. Amy Chua is a published book author. Her book on how minorities such as Overseas Chinese in SE Asia and Jews in Europe are "over represented" in business and banking may make a point and show a high degree of knowledge--enough to be a guest on Brian Lamb's "Booknotes" program but does not translate into child rearing. Yes, as Jungriss-Wolf writes it truly is "soulless." I pity Ms. Chua's daughters.
(22) , January 17, 2011 4:49 AM
What a beautiful article! This story is for all of us, Chinese and non-Chinese alike. To raise a chilld with soul -- one who cares about others -- is an accomplishment far and beyond having a child who is always at the top.
(21) ayla5, January 17, 2011 4:03 AM
Not worth losing the love
My daughter is now a young woman and a mother of a precious baby daughter, and we are very close. I had both my children in piano lessons, sports, etc. They both did very well in school (one is a nurse and one is a physician), but though I made sure they did home work and read a lot, there isn't any grade or piano recital performance that I look back on and think would have been worth the loss of their love and desire to have a close relationship with me and their father. They are also both very strong in their faith and I didn't see that in Ms. Chua's description of "success". Her definition would be fine if this life is all there is, but there is more to be accountable to than your earthly parents.
(20) Judy Goldman, January 17, 2011 3:41 AM
Parenting - meeting the needs of the child or the parent?
When I read Amy's article in the Wall Street Journal, I was frankly appalled because I believe that her type of child-rearing can easily lead to what I consider child abuse -- bullying and badgering the child to make him/her achieve the parents' unfulfilled dreams. I have seen it in action -- the adults who had grown up in these types of homes may have been accomplished but were not happy. I wish that all parents' goals were more like those described in Slovie's article. If you had to live with, work with, be neighbors with, be married to, be raised by, etc. the person raised by Amy or the one raised by Slovie, which one would you choose? What kind of person, what kind of Jew, do you want your child to be? Which of these children is more likely to grow up to "be a light unto the nations"? Thank you for this lovely and thoughtful response to Amy's article.
(19) Chana Jenny Weisberg, January 16, 2011 9:44 PM
thank you
I knew that aish.com would have a great response to that awful Chinese parenting article. thank you! I
(18) L. Simons, January 16, 2011 8:11 PM
Chinese parenting is not all wrong.
It just needs some modification. Not every child can get aan A in everything, but gym and drama. Yet some may excel in gym or drama (these can lead to the Olympics or Broadway. I feel very sorry for any Chinese child who is actually capable of producing B's and an occasioal C maybe. Does that make him/her really any less worthy. I do believe that the Eastern and Western cultures can learn from each other as parents.
(17) Marcie Linder, January 16, 2011 6:38 PM
Amy's Jewish Mother Complex
I had wondered if Amy was in a mixed marriage. I believe Amy might have a problem being surrounded by Jewish parents in her own community and with whatever issues she may or may not have with her own mother in law. certainly she is dealing with her own past. She has every right to be proud of her own family, past and present. She also may be keenly aware of the world our own children may enter as China emerges as a world power. I think Amy is correct on many points . I think she may be correct that our children need to be sheltered and managed if possible in certain aspects of their lives. Amy limits tv,does not allow her kids to be too involved with time wasters,and is giving them a culturally and academically rich education. These articles do not say how much time her daughters do play with others. I wondered if Amy is adding Jewish education to her list. I have met many parents like Amy.Their kids seem to grow up ok. I believe Amy should chill a little. I think her kids will give her a run for her money soon enough.Amy has received plenty of criticism on t.v. she called one comment on the Today show hurtful. I hope her husband supports her daughters in their quests and maybe Amy will mellow a bit.
(16) Howie Goodman, January 16, 2011 6:36 PM
Response to mom
I listened to Amy Chua on NPR's "Tell Me More" and I agree with her parenting methods. I was raised in an orthodox Jewish home (I'm on the fence now regarding how Jewish to be) and have three grown children). The fact we don't hear about Chinese children growing up to be dysfunctional, is strong evidence that traditional Chinese methods work. Prove them wrong, then we'll talk.
(15) ruth housman, January 16, 2011 6:26 PM
how to raise a child
This is a beautiful wise piece, about how not to raise a child, as in the Chinese way, described and about how to love, the right way. Raise is to lift up, and I do believe as you do, that it's about compassion, the weighting of ethics, about LOVE itself, or why are we here? To degrade a child, to force them to perform, to be harsh in the ways described is NOT about love and success, is not playing the piano beautifully, it's doing what your little girl did, with this child who was never invited anywhere. Now that's to LOVE.
(14) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 6:11 PM
chinese adults in therapy
I have been working as a psychotherapist with a few Asian clients. I also have a few friends who were raised in Asian culture. I noted one common thing: they all respect their parents and appreciate the fact that these parents were trying to give them so much. But none of them seem to talk about their parents with a smile. None express warm feelings towards them. Not even a joke (like we joke about smothering Jewish moms)! This is very sad. Maybe these parents help their kids succeed in their profession or climb higher on the social ladder. But they do not achieve emotional health with these methods. The difference, I guess, is in values. In some families parents would rather raise happy people. In other families parents would prefer to raise successful people. If I had to choose, I would rather be happy. Many very successful (but not too happy) people I know also would choose happiness, if they knew how to...
(13) Sheila Deutsch, January 16, 2011 6:10 PM
What ever happened to Sorah Leah?
I agree with your point.
(12) Jerusha, January 16, 2011 5:06 PM
Experience with Chinese Students
I do alot of volunteer work with university students at ESL centers and have had alot of experience interacting with students from China. With few exceptions most are like robots, it is so sad! Blank expressions and no expressions of any emotion of any kind. People without soul expresses it perfectly! I would rather have a compassionate "C" student than a heartless "A" student!
(11) Otis R. Needleman, January 16, 2011 5:04 PM
What Amy Chua sows, she shall reap.
I read her story in the Wall Street Journal. Felt sorry for her kids, her husband, and her students. Funny...everything people are saying about China now, they said about Japan 25 years ago, and look what's happening in Japan. Amy Chua is guilty of trying to make her children live HER life, not theirs. Have this funny feeling she has also told those girls something like "If you don't get A's, etc., I won't love you." I raised my kids with the expectation they would do their best. If they didn't get straight A's, I loved them just the same. I fear when Amy Chua's daughters become adults, they may well cut her out of their lives. Don't hate Amy Chua. Pity her. I do.
(10) Julie, January 16, 2011 4:51 PM
Slovie's Response to Amy Chua's book
Slovie: I have been thinking about he WSJ article for the past few days. I have also read a few responses. None, has helped my thinking as much as reading your article. Thank YOU!
(9) unlisted, January 16, 2011 4:24 PM
One more reason why Jews should marry Jews
" Lulu was threatened with 'no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas, no Hannukkah (her father is Jewish), ...'" This line was glossed over and the point made parenthetically, but it's terribly important. Just one more reason why Jewish men should marry Jewish women (which also means in this case that the child is not Jewish) and raise a child in a home with shared, proper (Jewish) values.
(8) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 2:29 PM
Take no prisoners
I am so glad you wrote this. To raise a child with a "take no prisoners" attitude may produce a high achiever, but in this world of much evil, I am much more concerned with raising a compassionate child (rachamim). Second, if the parents are not on the same page regarding how they are raising their child, it raises some difficult issues for their marriage, as well as consistency in the upbringing of the kids. Ms. Chua obviously expected to generate controversy with her article, but I wonder if she realized how demoralizing it must be it for her children to hear such a maelstrom of negativity about their mother. Even if they love her and wish to jump to her defense, it's inappropriate to put them in this position. Although I'm sure Ms. Chua would disagree, the price one may pay to have one's name on a bestseller list, or be the darling of talk show circuits or newspaper articles ultimately may not be worth it.
(7) pr gold, January 16, 2011 1:15 PM
in response to joshua
It is unnecessary (in normal people) to be commanded to love our children. This is something that G-d put into creation. By virtue of nurturing and meeting our children's basic needs we are reaffirming and solidifying that love. As children generally do less fortheir parents than parents do for their children- we need to be reminded to respect, fear and honor them.
(6) chava, January 16, 2011 9:59 AM
WOW!
How I wish I had had you around while I was trying to raise my sons.
(5) pr gold, January 16, 2011 6:07 AM
We unconsciously bring our parents' values with us when building our own homes and it is the values that we transmit subtly that our written on the souls of our children. These are values that we revert to and hold on to when life becomes a helter skelter merry go round (as it inevitably will some days). I am grateful and proud that shaming others is far removed from my psyche and not something I have to consciously wrestle with. Pehaps the stereotypical "Chinese stoicism" is a result of the barriers these children need to build around themselves in order to survive childhood. My children may not be super achievers but they are responsible happy and expected to perform as best as each one can (not as best as his sister or brother can!)
(4) Vered, January 16, 2011 4:35 AM
Yes, emotional abuse yields results
So what if a child can play piano beautifully. So what if a child makes straight A's. So what if a child always speaks respectfully - if that child has been crushed in order to achieve these things. How can maternal "love" and approval be expressed only when the child has accomplished something. "Either you are fulfilling my needs, or you are garbage". If this is what goes on in average Chinese homes, I can't magine what is going on in Olympic training/national chess champions, etc. Truly tragic. There is a vast difference between being a spoiled brat, and being a compliant, crushed naches producer.
(3) L.S., January 16, 2011 4:27 AM
Good article! I agree
Yikes! I feel sorry for this poor little girl in this article! Her mother is emotionally scarring the child for life, and I hope she gets some anger management training so that the child does not continue to suffer verbal and emotional abuse and feel battered and broken. Thankfully, the majority of Jewish parents are not like this (I hope!)
(2) Joshua, January 16, 2011 1:05 AM
Different Chinese
I am a native Chinese college student.As jews,we have our own traditions,the tradition that deals with the relationship between parents and children,called"loving parents is the most significant kindess".Yet it doesn't say that loving children is as important.This is why we chinese consider problems differently.Still,this is not the answer.What we really mean is that relationship means mutual trust,sons to be sons means that a son needs his father's love and also his father needs his son's love.The tradition didn't say this fully because we consider older people who needs more warmth more importantly.I don't know whether this is reasonable.Today many Chinese don't respect traditions and just do as what they deem correct,this is because we haven't answered the challenge of modernism completely.
(1) Zach, January 15, 2011 10:45 PM
Great point, but
a little overgeneralized. I agree that it's awful to shame a child, and that taking away the 'fun' in life leaves a kid empty and stunts emotional growth. I find, though, that there are quite a few Chinese parents who grant their kids more freedom. I want to point out that while the method is referred to as the 'Chinese Parenting Method', it represents only the most extreme Chinese parenting in America; the majority don't resort to excessive shaming. I have, however, seen firsthand the negative consequences of extreme versions of Chinese parenting. While many Chinese students at my university are happy and social like the rest, there are a significant amount that walk around with their heads down and choose not to socialize much. I see 'Jewish parenting' as teaching kids to create their own motivation. It teaches the holiness of striving to use their abilities for good, and from there arises motivation.