Parents everywhere are talking about the Time magazine cover featuring model-mom, Jamie Lynne Grumet, breastfeeding her 3-year-old son who is standing on a chair. Time asks the question:
Are you mom enough?
In playgrounds, around water coolers, and over lattes, parents are debating the article that the photo is supposed to describe. The image has stirred discussions about attachment parenting. It is based on the idea that the more babies are held, the more secure they’ll feel. The approach includes wearing baby slings, sharing beds when you sleep with children, and breastfeeding sometimes through toddlerhood and beyond.
So are you mom enough?
Even the greatest parenting method cannot work if we gripe and are resentful.
I am not here to debate the pros and cons of attachment parenting. At the end of the day, we all want to do the best we can for our children. The constant mommy wars – between working versus non-working moms, nursing versus bottle-fed babies, or attachment parenting versus other parenting methods – only comes to divide parents and sap us of the energy needed to parent wisely.
One cannot be forced to sit doing puzzles on the floor with a child if you love to run around and be playful. Some moms like to cook delicious gourmet dinners while others love to whip up quick 10-minute meals. The essential issue is: Do you give to your children with love, or are you so drained and lacking of patience that the meals are spent in crabby silence?
We must first resolve to raise our children in an atmosphere of love infused with a happy energy. Otherwise, our children will feel that we do not want to spend our time with them and they will grow insecure. Even the greatest parenting method cannot work if we gripe and are resentful. Find the method that works best for you and your family, and do it with love.
Mother Image
Now for the cover photo.
Sure it is provocative and I realize that’s what sells today. But we need to once and for all decide what is acceptable or not as we try to raise our children. There are too many parents who just do not know what is considered appropriate. Who decides our value system?
Our culture knocks modesty and applauds pushing the button on sensuality. Take a trip to any drugstore and glance at the tabloids at the checkout counter. How do we perceive women? Who are the mothers of today? Do you think that unmarried teen moms on popular TV shows, or the housewife moms who occupy themselves with plastic surgery and shopping sprees while stabbing each other in the back with nasty gossip, offer our children a real look at the definition of ‘mom’? Hollywood stars parading almost nude or celebrities frolicking, leaving almost nothing to the imagination, flood our children with images of women devoid of sanctity and respect.
Related Article: Beneath the Surface: A Deeper Look at Modesty
What does this have to do with the photo of the mom nursing her 3-year-old son, you may wonder?
Some may argue that nursing is a natural God-given gift, allowing mothers to bond with their children. So why not celebrate it?
Of course, it is. But this cover photo does not invoke tenderness, cuddling, or connecting. It is more "in your face, defiant parenting." A mother nursing her child should be a beautiful and nurturing moment. There is an emotional intimacy involved that is missing here. It is an intimacy that arrives in our lives through privacy.
We live in a world where privacy and modesty are not valued or respected. Reality TV has broken down the barriers as we voyage through peoples bedrooms and most confidential situations. We watch as husbands and wives discuss possible pregnancy, infertility issues, and fight over money and relationships. Facebook allows us to take part in couples' disagreements or personal lives. One never travels alone anymore – there are a thousand friends watching. Children grow up with their bodies publicly exposed from the time that they are born.
Post your life on Facebook, tweet your thoughts on Twitter. We live with a network of friends and family, but at what price?
The commandment to honor your parents is a foundation for families everywhere. How do you teach your children to honor and respect you?
One way is to live honorably. Teach children to revere you. Keep your intimate life private. This doesn’t mean that you must live as an old fashioned prude. It does mean that we consider our relationships holy. Our bodies are not to be flaunted across the cover of magazines. Modesty and dignity are intertwined. And when we live with dignity, we teach our children to treat us with a measure of respect which would otherwise be lacking. We are not seen simply as physical beings, but revered because we transmit a spiritual essence. We nourish not only through giving milk, but for thousands of years we have transmitted the mother’s milk of faith to our children. This is why it was crucial that the infant Moses nurse from his mother and not an Egyptian nursemaid.
When we openly display our physical selves, we downgrade ourselves in our children’s eyes. The issue here is not ‘nursing’; it is a question of reverence and awe. It is the return to modesty and dignity which is so sorely lacking in our children’s lives.
So when you are faced with the question, “Are you mom enough?", ask yourself the following:
• Do I live with a spiritual mission?
• Do I live with modesty and dignity?
• Do I teach my children to value privacy and honor family life?
If you can answer ‘yes’ to these questions, then you are certainly "mom enough."
(41) Molly, June 29, 2012 5:53 AM
Breastfeeding is beautiful yes, but I agree that there is no need to display it in such an aggressive, unnatural way. I also take issue with time's caption. "Are you Mom Enough?" Whether a woman breastfeeds, and for how long, is a private issue between her and her baby. We need LESS people weighing in on every decision a mother makes. This just encourages those busybodies who want to tell random mothers that they are "poisoning" their baby with formula or weaning too early. The idea that you are more of a mom if you choose extended breastfeeding is ridiculous. My friend was emotionally unable to breastfeed at all, due to some abuse in her childhood. It broke my heart to hear of people bashing her for her refusal to do what was "best" for her baby. People need to mind their own business.
(40) Anonymous, May 26, 2012 11:00 AM
no breast milk - not a mother
all this fuss over how long a mother should breast feed but does anyone realise what it is like if you can't. you are not a good mother is you don't? i breast feed my children for only a short time because i became ill and the milk stopped. am i not a good mother because of this? stop making breast feeding a criteria and make how you treat your child the real test.
(39) Shira, May 23, 2012 12:59 AM
Thank you!
Thank you Slovie for taking the time to express this important issue so well!
(38) Debbie, May 22, 2012 10:02 PM
This poor child's life is over.
He will never be able to live down the fact that he was photographed in this position. His friends will taunt him forever. This was so thoughtless of TIME to take advantage of an innocent child to sell magazines. The selfishness of this mother is an outrage!
(37) Mrs. R., May 22, 2012 6:18 PM
my 2 cents
My projection: Perhaps the woman doesn't see herself as the mother. Of course she says she is, but I mean the type of mother who loves her child. One who is willing to sacrifice for her child, sacrifice nutrients, safety, comfort, etc. Perhaps the child is simply a prop, a statement... say for those who no longer believe in the holiness of marriage. Perhaps she wants to rewrite fatherhood also or erase it. Perhaps this is the same type of woman who wants to rewrite every type of relationship know to man and blessed by God.
(36) Zipora, May 22, 2012 2:35 PM
what a wonderful article so true words of wisdom to live by and practice to be better people
(35) Ruth, May 22, 2012 3:49 AM
Breastfeeding is natural
I understand the value of privacy and I'm not sure if the author is insinuating that a breastfeeding woman should not do so in public but I think if people truly ask themselves why they are so bothered by a woman breastfeeding, particularly an older child it is because they have been convinced by society that breasts are purely sexual. Not so. They automatically make milk when a woman is pregnant and gives birth, making it such a precious gift from Hashem for our babies. And to those who say it should stop at a certain cut off age why? What do you base that off, science or your own comfort level?
Ayalah Haas, May 24, 2012 7:12 PM
"why they are so bothered ..."
The "problem" is not nursing; the author of this article clearly writes about the defiant expression of the mother on the magazine cover, and the lack of modesty our society has accepted. Not every body part and human act is meant for public display according to Our father in Heaven, the One Who clearly spells out what is appropriate.
Anonymous, May 24, 2012 8:57 PM
?
I just want to say 1. that you're missing the whole point of this eloquently written article. 2. As Jews, we don't need to look into science neither should rely on our comfort level (because our comfort level may be a little warped due to the influence of the culture we live in - as stated so beautifully by Mrs. Slovie Jungreis-Wolff). You see, we have it easy - whenever we have a question we just go into our guide book - the Torah. Good Shabbos & good Yom Tov!
Anonymous, May 25, 2012 2:46 AM
?!?
I feel the need to say two things about your comment on this eloquent written article. 1. I think you need to reread the article because you missed the whole point. 2. No we, cannot rule according to our comfort level (because it may be warped thru the influences of our culture as Mrs. Slovie Jungreis-Wolff beautifully explained above) or science to make decisions. You see, we as Jews have it easy - when we need to decide on something, we simply go to our guide book & ask Daas Torah! Have a good Shabbos & Yom Tov!
(34) yehudit, May 21, 2012 8:26 PM
felt sick
When I was told about the cover photo (very unfortunately, since I never would have heard about it otherwise, since I dont follow popular media), I literally felt a wave of nausea overcome me, swiftly followed by the urge to burst into tears. What is our world coming to? I shudder to think that our collective insensitivity is so freely taken for granted by multi-media moguls. How shameful. How utterly tragic that humanity is perceived so cheaply as finding something like this entertaining.
(33) Shimon Hurwitz, May 21, 2012 8:25 PM
Thank you for defending human decency.
Time should be asked to reprint your article as a "fair-time" response for those who were deeply offended by such flagrant disregard of basic human dignity and sanctity. We human beings are not just bodies; we also are souls. If we ignore this soul, i.e., spiritual, component, we are living like animals in the zoo and no longer worthy of the name "human being."
(32) Sheva, May 21, 2012 7:08 PM
Love
Thank you for this article I loved it . I feel like this message isn't spread enough, love and simle attention is what kids need, but some reason that's so hard for so many parents. Sheva @ myshtub.blogspot.com
(31) Chaya, May 21, 2012 7:08 PM
right on the mark
Slovie, Thank you! I always enjoy reading your articles. In this one, you really conveyed what is happening in the world today. With my own kids it is REALLY hard to fight this natural tide of breaking down barriers and to teach children about dignity, respect, sanctity. Though I know in my heart all the things you are saying are true it is quite a challenge to give it over to my children.
(30) Malka, May 21, 2012 5:47 PM
Lunch Time
"What this mother does in private should be kept that way," "She's on the cover of the wrong magazine," and other comments that sexualize the topic of feeding one's child are way off the mark. Time to unlearn what our society has conditioned you to think. (P.S. This includes statements of across-the-board timeframes for nursing. [e.g. " A child of three should be sitting at table, eating regular food..."]. Is three months too short? Is 28 months too long? Frankly, unless it is your child and your situation, I don't think it's any of your business. IMHO, that is.)
(29) L.S., May 21, 2012 5:35 PM
the woman is selfish
The whole concept of attachment parenting is very selfish. A parent should aim to raise a child who will grow up to be a self sufficient adult, not a child who is forever dependent on a mom. A woman who is breastfeeding a 3 year old is clearly doing it so that the child is attached to her and will need her; such mothers can not stand the idea of their baby growing up. When I was briefly teaching preschool and pre-K, I saw that the toddlers of this attachment parenting model were underdeveloped, still in diapers, napped with bottles, and were brattier and needier. The children of mother who had a life were more respectful, mature, and better behaved. Attachment parenting creates monster kids. This mother either needs to have another baby to satisfy maternal urges, or get a job outside of the home or see a psychologist for her own attachment issues.
(28) MyTenCents, May 21, 2012 4:38 PM
Uncalled For
Is the photo really uncalled for? But then it's okay to show photos of women in nude and call it "artistic shot". People will complain, argue or discuss just about anything , they see. But I wonder if they have read and discussed what the "Article" really say . Just my Ten Cents
(27) Anonymous, May 21, 2012 4:24 PM
4 yrs is the world average for breastfeeding
Average, not max, Average. So 3 or 4 yrs old, who cares?!? No 18 months, or 6 months or 1 year doesn't matter either. It's up to the child and the parent. There is a Stanford study that says the longer a woman breastfeeds, the less likely she is to get breast cancer. As far as modesty goes, I don't see the problem with the Time cover. And for those that think women should cover up: Do you cover up your bottle fed babies? Think what it's like to be that baby being forced to wear something it may find uncomfortable. I'm not saying a woman should flaunt everything, but if you're uncomfortable with part of a breast being exposed, Don't Look!
(26) BBhall, May 21, 2012 4:12 PM
Disgusted... but for a different reason
This photo does not depict a nursing toddler. It's rather disgusting. As the article says, nursing is a tender moment of feeding. To soothe, to bond, to feed. Look up Stephanie Brandt Cornais to see what it really looks like.
(25) Rachel, May 21, 2012 3:59 PM
Breastfeeding a pre-schooler is fine; the photo was near-pornographic
While I and several of my friends nursed our children until around their 3rd birthdays, a photo of one of us doing so would have shown a modestly dressed mom with child on lap or beside her on the couch, cuddled to enjoy this extremely healthful (for both) and nurturing activity. TIME's photo, on the other hand, was the exact opposite -- exploiting the child and even the mother. Thank you for this beautifully written article.
(24) Anonymous, May 21, 2012 12:47 PM
It is God's beauty. Celebrate it and not knock it.
I have no problem with the Time cover. It does not display the actual breast and it does show any image of pain, etc. it is rather a natural act and it should be celebrated and not knock or twisted into something else by those who are ashame of God's beauty- the nourishing of a child.
Anonymous, May 21, 2012 6:29 PM
There are a lot of "natural" things
That sould be inappropriate to be on the cover. Childbirth, procreation, going to the bathroom are all natural, and may be considered beautiful due to the miracles in all of them, but please, Mrs. Jungreis is so on target...there is no sense of privacy anymore. So to say "celebrate a natural act" please, do you go to the bathroom in public? How about when you gave birth-did you post it on youtube? The liberalism that seeps into our minds today and twists it is simply nauseating.
Rachel, May 23, 2012 3:10 AM
I'll bet there are people who do post childbirth on youtube
I agree almost completely -- so many people don't cherish their right to privacy, only their right to freedom of expression.
mke north, May 21, 2012 8:29 PM
Celebrate ?
The cover was not of a sweet mother breastfeeding.Was more like provocative female saying -so what if you don,t like what you see.Her son looked like he was getting stuck into a Big Mac!!!!!Half naked woman are not celebrating God's beauty,He would prefer not the cover of Time but rather time to cover up.
GV, May 25, 2012 7:31 AM
Very well said!
(23) Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei, May 21, 2012 5:02 AM
Parenting Should Be Age Appropriate
The Straits Time on Sunday ran an article on breastfeeding, including the photo of Jamie Lynne Grumet and her son. I think that children who breastfeed above 18 months should be directed gently to drink milk from sipper cups and eat soft or blended food. My son Ishmael had demanded a change in food at 3 months :he just cried after being breast and bottle fed at his feeds time and did not stop till I gave him rice gruel with meat and vegetable. However, he had to be pushed to write and make prescribed patterns at 4. I went back to work when Ishmael was 4 months old, leaving him with a nice lady in her early 60s. She let him do all types of educational games (jigsaws, sandbox, water troughs, crayons, interactive electronic gamed) except teach him to write. My weekends with the boy was not enough. His paedriacian found that he had lower normal IQ and speech delay. After 2 years of speech and writing training at the local Kandang Kerbau Children's hospital, Ishmael caught up with his nursery class. He is 11 now and is very vocal and articulate, school grades are also rather good.
(22) patricia jones, May 21, 2012 3:10 AM
being mom enough
Personally I do not like this photo. What this mother does in private - should be kept that way. She seems to be very much into attention seeking headlines. IMO - breast feeding should stop as soon as the BABY IS AROUND 18MONTHS OLD.
(21) Anonymous, May 21, 2012 2:25 AM
Time cover
She's on the cover of the wrong magazine!
(20) Canuck, May 21, 2012 1:39 AM
He's a "3-year old"? Yeah right.
If that kid is really only 3, he must be on growth hormones, as he looks at least twice that age. Perhaps it's all the mother's milk that does it.
(19) SL, May 21, 2012 12:13 AM
true
beautifully expressed thoughts here.
(18) Rivka, May 20, 2012 11:13 PM
to Aviva
There is a gemara that addresses women nursing in public. In fact, a woman is allowed to freely and openly nurse in a busy market place because it is not an issue of modesty since her breast is like a vessel/tool for such a purpose.
(17) helen Schwab (Chaiah), May 20, 2012 11:06 PM
good job!
I think you wrote a very fine response to the magazine cover from the Jewish point of view. I would only add one thing: how long to nurse is each mother and child's decision; some children decide they've had enough at very young ages, while others cannot be weaned without a struggle, even at age three! I've nursed eight, so I speak from experience! What's important about this cpver is the lack of modesty and privacy, as well as the attitude expressed by the photo, which as you aptly said, does not invoke tenderness, cuddling, or connecting. That's sad. The fact is, nursing takes a lot of time. I found I could relax and enjoy that time more by having a book-stand set up so I could hold my child, feed and read at the same time. Just a suggestion. Worked for me. I learned the entire "Messilas Yesharim"! ("Path of the Just," by Rav Chaim Lutzatto)
(16) Linda, May 20, 2012 8:49 PM
Well put!
I teach high school and try to teach the kids decency. I ask them to "ask to use the restroom" instead of cruder terms. Their comeback (sometimes) is, "Well everybody does it." It is hard not to give a rid e response. There is a time and place for everything. I appreciate the way the article expressed theositive side of privacy.
(15) Anonymous, May 20, 2012 7:45 PM
African Mothers do it
I just visited a friend last friday. He is a stay home Dad and is taking care of their 4 months baby. While there, he talking about getting ready to bottle feed his daughter. At that i asked if he was giving her breast milk, and his answer was yes. He stated that his wife squeezes the breast milk in bottles before she leaves for work. I sat there and watched him feed his dughter. He shared with me that this eperience has helped him bond with his daughter. He said this has also helped him understand why mothers are so close or in love with their children. This is what mothers do in most African Countries-they breast feed their babies-breast milk is healthy food
(14) Anonymous, May 20, 2012 6:32 PM
Lets go for modesty PLEASE!!!
Breastfeeding is a natural thing! We ALL AGREE, right? But when and where, is the question, and at what age, should out be weened? I'll just betcha that if the very same woman was on the cover with...a teenager doing the same thing, we'd ALL BE ANGRY! So, the question is...at what age should it stop??? I believe an old novel "Of Mice and Men" had one of the very sick subjects, breast fed back to health, but that IS AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE! Discuss amongst yourselves...
(13) Malka, May 20, 2012 5:41 PM
A big yasher koach!
You've beautifully put into words what I've been mulling over since that picture came out. Will modesty and privacy ever make a return appearance? Probably not, but, thank God, it still exists in our observant circles.
(12) Otis R. Needleman, May 20, 2012 4:52 PM
I cannot understand this woman's logic.
So she's breastfeeding a three-year-old for all the world to see. I find this utterly underwhelming.
Leah, May 20, 2012 9:09 PM
Otis, It's the lack of modesty on the front cover of a magazine for millions to see with her body hanging out. Also, did she bother to think what this will do to her child years from now. I cannot even imagine the ridicule and embarrassment he will have to endure....This is the reason why as Jews we are not suppose to take pictures of our children while they are naked and why even non Jewish moms and dads as well as Jewish moms and dads will place a wash cloth over the genitalia of their child if they snap a picture of them in the bath as a baby etc...It's what it will do to them later in life in addition to the lack of modesty then. Now, picture this kid later in life and what will his mother say then? "Oh, who cares? It's no big deal."
(11) Ann C, May 20, 2012 4:18 PM
Woman, with child, on the Time Mazagine cover
The woman does not look motherly. She looks like what I call a "superbroad," one who thinks multitasking saves time. A child of three should be sitting at table, eating regular food, drinking from a glass or cup (and not those sippy things). Frankly, that woman, dressed in exercise attire, making her child stand on a chair to nurse rather than cuddling him in an overstuffed chair, is really offputting. BUT, the fact he is three is what truly is disturbing. What is that doing to the boy? So many adverse things are being done to boys in recent years, it is a wonder we have any left, who have true manly characteristics.
(10) ruth housman, May 20, 2012 4:16 PM
it's about TIME
we got our values straight, and I agree, what's the mileage in being naked on the front page of a major magazine. A long time ago, Demi Moore did this, with a full spread of her belly. She was beautiful, and beautiful too, in pregnancy. So was this, the message, that pregnancy IS beautiful, and maybe this could have been inside the pages of a photography magazine. But it wasn't. So I agree we are getting mixed messages, and I also agree, that there is a lot of attention to how we look, and less to the inner person, namely the story that is about soul, in all our lives. Beauty is not skin deep, it's very very deep. I have not seen or read this article in Times so I cannot judge the content, but only what you say, about the cover. And as a grandmother who spends a lot of time right now changing her beloved grand daughter's diapers, The Times, they are a'changing, to quote a popular Bob Dylan song.
(9) Aviva, May 20, 2012 4:12 PM
An insult to mothers
Time magazine must be suffering from lack of readers,to have done this.It is just plain poor taste. Breastfeeding a child can.be done anywhere today,but there is a moral & religious issue involved and that would be modesty!
(8) Baruch Ben-Yosef, May 20, 2012 3:36 PM
Excellent article!
One way to maximize modesty and dignity: Turn off that TV (it's not called "idiot box" for nothing!) and avoid Facebook, which seems to cater to self-absorbed, immature, insecure nincompoops.
(7) Pat LoGiudice, May 20, 2012 3:08 PM
Headed in the wrong direction!
One of the saddest things in our world at this time is the "trashing" of dignity and modesty. The results ot this titilating world we are seeing develop is a parallel hardness, courseness and growing lack of empathy, true CARING for others. What a difficult world we are creating for everyone. We are taught by history, religeous precepts and common sense that lives of joy are in the other direction!
(6) Danny, May 20, 2012 2:51 PM
It worked.
That rag they call a magazine probably sold many copies.
(5) shinie, May 20, 2012 2:28 PM
yes do agree with the writer certain actions are done universally but behind doors they are not for public view .Well written and all issues i mean even how it affect the childern was taken into cosideration.
(4) ceci weber, May 20, 2012 2:01 PM
Magnificent!
This article is so fabulous. Kol Hakavod for saying it all so well
(3) Miriam, May 20, 2012 12:03 PM
3?
That kid looks six!
Y, May 20, 2012 3:53 PM
That's exactly how they wanted you to see it. Cover was set up to make him look older (ie. standing on a chair to make him taller, etc.). thereby giving the provocative attention to the cover they were looking for.
(2) Dina, May 20, 2012 5:53 AM
Halacha
I think it is worth mentioning that Jewish law DOES allow nursing a child until 4 or 5. (Of course not in such an exposed manner as in this cover shot!)
(1) MaryMomof3, May 19, 2012 8:41 PM
Very well written!
This article is very well written! I was shocked by the article Time Magazine wrote. I got alot more out of this article. There are multiple issues to cover here and Slovie Jungreis-Wolff seemed to deal with them very wisely. Thank you!