Parenting can be frustrating. You tell your kid to pick up his dirty clothes one million times and yesterday's socks still decorate his floor. You tell the kids to stop fighting and they're still yelling and kicking. You take them on a trip to the zoo and they complain that they want a water park.
We sometimes feel that no matter what we do for our kids, all they want to do is irritate and aggravate us.
And there is a good chance that at times, subconsciously, their goal is to provoke these emotions within us. They do want to make us angry, irritable and guilty. Luckily, once we understand what's going on, we can put a stop to these emotion-provoking activities.
"Belongingness" – the need to belong to a larger unit - has been identified by today's psychology as a basic human need. In the olden days, before the advent of psychobabble, this simply meant that a child inherently wanted to fit in with his parents, his family and his community.
Back then, this meant that a child would, more-or-less, follow his parents. If they were farmers, then he farmed. If they were sheep-herders, he herded sheep. If they were fishermen, he fished. His human need for belonging was fulfilled when he conformed to his family's expectations of him. It was very simple; his parents set the tone, he followed, and he belonged.
In Western society, however, the roles of the parents and child have been reversed. Children are set at center stage and parents conform to them. Today's calculation goes like this: the child sets the tone, he pulls his parents after him, and he belongs.
Once we're aware of this dynamic, we can turn it around and return to our place at the head of the family. We want to make sure that we're the parents and we're in charge, so that our inexperienced two-year-olds and hormonal adolescents aren't the ones running our homes.
The following example explains the child-parent dynamic in simple terms:
A four-year-old-child is playing in front of his house. His mother calls him in for supper and bedtime. The child still wants to play, so he runs down the block.
What does the mother do?
She can run down the block to catch him or call after him repeatedly. In other words, the child can drag his mother down the block after him.
Or the mother can call out once in a confident voice, "I'm going in for supper and closing the front door for the night."
With this option, the mother creates a dynamic in which she is in charge and pulls her son after her. If she is wise enough to choose this second option, the child will be in the house eating supper within a few minutes.
That's a simple example of this dynamic, where it's easy to picture invisible ropes and imagine either the child pulling the parent or the parent pulling the child.
It's a little harder to picture our children pulling us on their ropes (or pressing our buttons) when we're dealing with emotions, but they do, subconsciously, try to pull us and drag us by stirring our emotions.
Take an imaginary trip to the zoo to understand this concept. We, the parents, decided that our family is visiting the zoo. Our kids, born and bred in the modern era, try to drag us towards them by complaining. They don't like the zoo; it's childish; it's boiling hot outside; our family always goes on the worst trips ever.
If we follow our children, we accept their complaints and regret our bad choice of trips. We apologetically explain that we didn't realize how hot it would be, promise that next time they'll get to choose the trip, go home disappointed about our failed trip and feel guilty because we do indeed always go on bad trips.
But if we choose to set the tone ourselves, we don't let their complaints work on our emotions. We remain confident in our decision to visit the zoo and calmly say, "We're sorry that you're hot, would you like a drink?" and move on to look at the monkeys.
The kids see that the complaints don't move us, so they'll inevitably follow us and start enjoying the trip.
When we appreciate this dynamic, we'll able to identify it whenever it appears. If I'm angry at my daughter because of her messy room, she is dragging me after her and subconsciously angering me by leaving her room messy.
When I neutralize myself and stop being angry about it, the messy room will get cleaned up. She might surprise me and clean it up because she decides that she doesn't like it messy, or I might create a new dynamic by confidently and unemotionally telling her to clean it.
Some of you are probably reading this with raised eyebrows. You're sure that it won't work with your kids. I challenge you to think about the concept and try to apply it to your life.
Identify the dynamics in your relationship with your children and stop enabling them to irritate, aggravate and annoy you. Once you stop reacting to them, you will be able to calmly and creatively think of ways to create a dynamic that puts you at the forefront. Your calmness and confidence will help you proactively create the atmosphere that you want in your home.
(11) Bobby5000, July 18, 2020 2:14 PM
partially right
Part of a parent's job is teaching and requiring certain thing, keeping things clean, doing your homework, speaking respectfully, among others. And yes, sometimes the child will not be happy and that's part of parenting.
Another thing is parents talking about things they don't know. I was at a tournament with adults and children and was one of the top players, and saw a father rebuking his son. Not only was this unproductive- activities are supposed to be fun, but the father knew virtually nothing. about this sport.
Another time I saw a dad yelling at his daughter about tennis. One parent had a lot of advice about my business but much of its was misplaced, or did not meet my needs. While my mother taught that one should be forceful and vocal, my son taught that you generally follow rules and procedures, and think before you speak, and have a specific goal before you do.
A barber needs training, an architect certification, but one starts as a parent.
I realized that my son knew a lot more about people, and he became quite successful, and my role was to applaud him, but I limited my advice. So I think you need to make sure you're knowledgeable, the advice meets your child's needs, and you're helping before you instruct in many area, and after your child is say 8. Sometimes parents do well and my father taught me the basics of many sports, and I did well in many and still enjoy them. But that's because he knew what he was talking about there.
(10) Meera, July 17, 2020 6:27 AM
Finally a parenting article I like!
Finally a parenting article I like! Thank you for writing an article about parents being in charge. You are so right that the roles are reversed now and it drives me crazy how many parents just go along with it and not discipline their kids with basic things like saying please and thank you and letting their kids run around like lord of the flies. We need more parenting articles like this about parents stepping up and actually parenting!!!
(9) Erene Scearz, July 15, 2020 4:33 AM
This is an excellent article and describes what we are seeing more and more - parents giving in. Parents need to take back control and be the leaders in their homes as Hashem intends us to be. Thank you for posting this
(8) Mom of Teens, July 14, 2020 10:43 AM
How does this apply to teens?
I enjoyed this article and agree with it completely but I would like to know more of how to put it into practice with teens. For example: if you try the "going inside and closing the door" on a teen, he will just laugh at you, go eat supper at a take-out or a friend and then come in when he's good and ready...
Thank you!
Dini Harris - Also a Mom with Teens, July 14, 2020 6:43 PM
It works with teens too!
Here's another example; real life - just happened to me this Friday. (Because your teenager is probably not riding his bike in front of your house anyway...)
We celebrated my daughter's bat mitzvah this Shabbat with a special family-only program. It was decided by the administration (my husband and I) that we would all get dressed and take pictures before Shabbat started. Everyone was cooperatively following the plan until my 18-year-old son realized that we planned on taking pictures at the neighborhood park. "You'll have to kill me first," is what he rebelliously announced.
I almost took the bait. I was ready to give him a look, tell him to behave, beg him to come with us, and wonder if I would have to switch and take pictures in our backyard.
Luckily, I remembered what I had recently written in this article!
I gave him a smile and moved on.
I didn't simply ignore him. His statement just fell and went nowhere. It didn't generate any emotion within me. Not internally, not externally. Nothing doing.
He grumbled a bit more as we walked to the park, because it was completely not cool to take pictures in public.
But he was soon posing and smiling and as happy as everybody else.
It works! Try it!
(7) Marlene Josephs, July 13, 2020 1:23 PM
Where was the article when I needed it?!
B"H, our girls are all adults, happily married with AMAZING children. So we must have done something right...and had lots of brachas from the One Above! But it sure would've given me a lighter heart to have read this article when I was in the midst of it all, having my doubts about what I was doing. EXCELLENT article...gonna share it with my daughters. THANKS!
(6) nyj, July 12, 2020 11:36 PM
4 year olds are not mature enough to be left alone outside
The example with the four year old, I think in this day and age is not appropriate.
Four year olds should always be supervised when they are outside on the block. (maybe this example would work better on an enclosed and fenced in back yard)
Rachel, July 13, 2020 12:42 AM
Agreed!
Thank you. In some places, parents have been questioned by the police for leaving their children outside and unsupervised.
Anonymous, July 13, 2020 6:03 PM
Great article BUT
I disagree with the threat to the 4 year old because what will his mother do when he refuses to come in? Will she actually leave him out for the night? And he knows she won't!
Dini Harris, July 14, 2020 6:24 AM
Thanks for bringing up this point - I'd like to clarify
You brought up a great point - one that needs another whole article! I completely agree with you that a mother shouldn't threaten her kid, especially when it's not a threat that she can carry out.
In my example, the mother didn't threaten. She just said that SHE'S going in (in a place where it's safe to leave a child outside for a few minutes :) ).
The point was that if she says she's going in and the child knows that he's expected to follow, the child WILL follow.
It's a novel concept - but it works!
(There are other elements that help make it work, such as the parents complete confidence that the child will follow....Hopefully, we'll be able to explore these concepts in future articles. )
Anonymous, July 16, 2020 11:09 PM
agreed!
I'll say! If your four year old runs down the block, you can't just close the door and leave him there! Not in this world! You call out "if I have to come after you there will be trouble!" Usually the child will turn around. If they don't, I WILL catch up with them and they WILL get a swat! I only had to do it once! Never again! I know people have different feelings about physical punishment but when it comes to physical safety all bets are off!
Nesha, December 27, 2020 4:18 PM
With some kids it will work and with others just not!
My kids when 4 years would each react differently! Some would come home in time without being called, others won't mind to miss the supper OR G-d forbid stay outside playing through the night! The same the teenagers....actually, this is what Shefer is teaching in Israel, about parental authority.
(5) Phil Schupbach, July 12, 2020 6:32 PM
Spot on!
Dini Harris has got a message every parent needs to understand. As a parent of five, and teacher of thousands, I learned to give children two choices. My choice #1 or my choice #2. When given choices, it made them learn judgement AND obedience as well. A parallel message should be that 'parents must put their marriage first.' It does the children no good if they drive a wedge between the parents and the marriage falls apart.
(4) Deborah Litwack, July 12, 2020 4:56 PM
Added comments to your great article:
I learned the following in graduate school ,receiving feedback on my therapy session with a child that was viewed trough a 1-way mirror.
I try to model this for parents today; many just can't seem to "get it!"
In trying to get a child to do something YOU want, don't ask "Moshe, do you want to ______?" (This is often followed by numerous offerings by parents, followed by numerous "nos" by the child.
A better approach is to offer 2 alternative that YOU are OK with being chosen. eg "Sarale, would you rather go to the zoo or the beach"?
(3) Pamela Davidah, July 12, 2020 3:43 PM
Teachers also would benefit from using this strategy.
(2) Shelley, July 12, 2020 2:44 PM
Overly obedient children.
What would you do with overly obedient children then who will just go with the plan, have no individuality for themselves?
(1) Judith Herzog, July 12, 2020 2:20 PM
There can only be one person in charge here...
My children were raised with, "There can only be one person in charge here and, since I'm the mother (they had no father), it has to be me!" Of course I listened to their wants and needs when possible; but, in the end, I was the one in charge- and they knew that, after I heard them out, I would be the decision-maker! Now I hear them saying similar things to my grandchildren! Success!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!