Ask your friends to name their top three parenting goals and I bet most will include “I want my child to be happy.” Makes sense. Who doesn't want their child to be happy? But there’s one small glitch: parents can’t make their kids happy.
It's not in your power to ensure that everything works out for your child. You can’t save him from his classmates, teachers or teammates, let alone his siblings.
Nor can you save him from his own body and brain. Your child may have all sorts of issues to deal with ranging from physical health challenges to mental health challenges to learning challenges. You can't determine your child’s emotional “set-point” – the mood your child will experience most often throughout his lifetime (particularly if he doesn’t take specific steps to alter it). If your child was born “sunny side up” that’s great. But he may have been born in a dark cloud. He may be prone to irritability, grumpiness and other forms of natural negativity.
No matter what kind of excellent parenting you are doing, your child may suffer from varying degrees of depression or anxiety or other conditions that can rob him of joy. And although you can introduce your child to all sorts of interventions that might bring him out of his funk, your child has free will. Even if he does cooperate, it will be in his own time. He is on his own journey, just as we all are.
If you could guarantee your child a lifetime of happiness, would you want to?
And even if you could guarantee your child a lifetime of happiness, would you want to? Life's challenges teach our children how to cope with frustration and adversity. It develops our character and personal depth.
Wisdom comes from enduring challenges. We may not pro-actively seek these types of difficult situations, but God brings us plenty of life situations that make us dig deeply into ourselves, transform ourselves and become truly “wise.” From minor disappointments to major personal difficulties, all human beings experience the painful side of life. No one is exempt. But this dark side of life is not all dark; in fact, it is streaked with light.
People are often truly grateful for the challenges that have pushed them to actualize their inner strengths. They know they wouldn't have reached their potential without going through those intense hardships.
Does this all mean that we want our kids to suffer? Absolutely not. Our instincts are to save them from pain. I’m not suggesting that we traumatize our little ones in order to send them to their greatest heights of development! All I’m saying is that when our kids do suffer, as they inevitably do, we should at least recognize some of the benefits of these so-called “negative” experiences.
Recognizing the hidden value within the crisis, we can appreciate that a diet of only happiness, no matter how appealing that may seem, cannot be the very best thing for our children. On such a diet, they cannot develop into their greatest selves.
Ultimately it's the child’s responsibility to find happiness through his own hard-earned efforts.
So what is in your control when it comes to parenting? You can provide your child with a model of how to cope with life’s challenges. You can learn techniques for bringing out the best in your child and work on applying them. You can work on your own personal development and mental health. You can work on providing your child with a stable home base from which to grow. You can give your child opportunities to develop skills and competencies through arranging various social, spiritual and educational endeavors. You can work on your marriage and teach your child values. You can introduce your child to the wisdom of Judaism as a resource for his journey. You can pray for your child’s well-being and teach your child how to pray too.
God wants each one of us to do our own work. It is the child’s responsibility to work on himself, to find happiness through his own hard-earned efforts. Real happiness comes from our deepest development. No amount of toys or fame will satisfy the soul. Rather, overcoming challenges, becoming wiser, connecting to our fellow human beings, making meaningful contributions, doing acts of kindness, and connecting to our Source – these are the activities that, in the end, will bring us - and our children - true happiness.
(8) Olufemi, May 19, 2012 6:03 AM
Your God given talent has been a blessing to me. Good work.
I must say that this article is a must red for all parents. Knowing that it is God who giveth children and He expects us parents to nurture them in a Godly manner. Parents need to show love to their children so that they can also know how to show love to others. Above all parents must teach their children the fear of God. God bless all parents.
(7) o saba, June 15, 2011 6:45 PM
mrs radcliffe is second to none.
(6) patricia azoulay, June 3, 2011 4:15 AM
we also have to pray
(5) Brura, June 2, 2011 2:30 AM
You nailed it. A and even though I don't have children it is as if you read my mind. The knowledge of being born and this is a different soul, same family but different soul with free will. OY sometimes and Mazel Tov the next time.
(4) annonymous, June 1, 2011 3:42 PM
Lee
I believe that you missed thepoint of the article and assuming that one is parenting the best they can ones child has their own free choice and own set of challenges they need to face to become who they are supposed to become. Ones children are capable of making tehir own deicsions and are NOT entirely products of tehir parents household.
(3) Elana, May 30, 2011 8:17 PM
@ Lee's comment
Lee, your comment to rachel was not nice at all. How the heck do you know she and her husband did not do the right things "knowledge is power",etc. Let me tell you something; I am a nurse and have seen so much at the hospital; and sometimes, no matter what you do or don't do, you cannot change another person's thinking/feeling.
(2) lisa, May 29, 2011 5:35 PM
Let them learn!!!
Perfect!! Even though there is "nothing new under the sun"...your article was well written & reinforced what our expectations for our kids should be!!! Thank you!!!
(1) Rachel, May 29, 2011 3:51 PM
Thoughtless comments
I have a child struggling with depression, failing in school, taking medication. My husband and I have done all the right things, and I'm afraid I'm still going to lose my child. So spare me your platitudes.
Roz, May 30, 2011 4:23 PM
In Response to Rachel
Rachel: Right this minute things look very discouraging. Don't despair. You are doing all the right things, most importantly, loving and supporting that child as he is, right this minute! All the interventions take time. There's no magic wand and you just have to hang in there. My son, 34, who we thought wouldnt get through the 4th grade because of attention deficits and mood issues recently earned his doctorate (PsyD) is working with kids in a hospital setting and in private practice. Yes, the unhappy little boy with the illegible handwriting and disorganized notebook. b"H. Keep focused one day at a time. You will not be disappointed. Make connections wi/ other parents in the same situation. it helps. Wishing you hatzlacha and nacha. Roz
Lee, May 30, 2011 4:53 PM
Rachel
Rachel, I'm sure you are at your wits end and feel hopeless. I've been there myself as a parent. I'll tell you a story. My husband and I watched a marathon "Nanny" show one Sat. 4 hours of watching horrible children and messed up parents. I know you probably hate that show. But it's all about learning. It's true Knowledge is power! The children were monsters and yet we watched as Nanny worked mostly with the parents and taught and encouraged them how to be parents. It's not your child that is the problem, it's you and your husband that need to be taught. Make every effort to get teaching on how to raise your child.. Your child is a product of you and your husband ...your child is not the problem. There is hope and you can learn and your child will change if you do are willing to pay the price. Seek and ye shall find.
Anonymous, May 31, 2011 10:57 PM
Outrageous, unfair, and totally untrue
Knowledge IS power. If you had ANY, you would know that what you said is a major load of garbage (to be polite). What you said is cruel and dangerous to children and parents - children are NOT little formless mannequins to shaped by their parents. They are their own people who have their own needs, and those needs cannot always be met by the parents.
miriam, May 31, 2011 3:30 PM
something that worked incredibly for my kids
Speaking to G-d, for 5 minutes every day, asking him to help my child with whatever he or she needs at the time. Do it for 30 days and you will see amazing results.
Observer, May 31, 2011 10:53 PM
Reread the first part of the article
It could have been written for you. It's easy to get overwhelmed with the despair and guilt. But, you need to keep reminding yourself, that no matter what happened YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE. People will probably say things - "if this were my child" "you should just" etc. You may also start second guessing yourself. After all you're his PARENT - aren't we supposed to be able to keep are kids safe and whole? The answer, unfortunately, is "not always". As frightening as that is, it's no worse than the fear you are already facing. At least live your life without the burden of guilt for something that is not your responsibility.