For years, my son and I would talk about the big Kiddush buffet he’d have in synagogue after services on his bar mitzvah.
He watched us plan his older brothers’ lavish bar mitzvah celebrations. He was there when his brothers led Shabbat services for hundreds of people and they read from the Torah in a packed synagogue. He heard us telling them speak loudly when they delivered their speeches so that everyone in the crowded room could hear.
Now, with coronavirus shutting down so much of Jewish life, including large-scale bar and bat mitzvah celebrations, he’s had to re-imagine his own bar mitzvah celebrations.
The Miller Kids
Instead of hundreds of guests, it will likely be immediately family only. He might be able to lead services in synagogue but only for a very small group of people. No speeches and definitely no Kiddush buffets or parties. Yet against all odds, my son is motivated to continue learning for his bar mitzvah. He even sets a daily timer on his watch to remind him to practice every afternoon.
What gives? How can he remain so upbeat about practicing and studying for what will be a small, socially distanced bar mitzvah?
I asked my son what keeps him going. Turns out, his siblings – all of whom already celebrated their bar and bat mitzvahs – have been giving him some advice to keep him focused.
1. Becoming a bar mitzvah: no party required
The author with her son
“You don’t need a party to become a bar mitzvah.” That was my oldest son’s way of comforting his younger brother. No matter what coronavirus does to his bar mitzvah plans, nothing can take away the fact that when a Jewish boy turns thirteen, and when a Jewish girl turns twelve, they are finally able to fully participate in all Jewish rituals as independent adults. “Bar mitzvah” and “Bat mitzvah” mean being a son (“bar”) or daughter (“bat”) of the mitzvot – the Jewish commandments. No ceremony, party, or service is required.
2. Life-long skills
No matter what this crazy, pandemic-infused year is like, my son recognizes that the skills he’s learning for his bar mitzvah are one’s that he’ll draw on for many years to come, God willing, as he attends services in synagogue and also in his Jewish school, pandemic or no pandemic.
Abilities like leading services or reading from the Torah or giving a dvar Torah are skills they can always draw on, no matter where they find themselves.
3. Smaller celebrations at home
Anticipating a smaller celebration at home with just family members, there are some ways we can mark our son’s transformation into an adult in terms of Jewish practice. He'll be able to lead the Grace After Meals following a festive bar mitzvah meal. He’s also working on a speech to give at home to relatives and a few friends. It might not be the grand celebration we once had in mind, but we’re determined to make his bar mitzvah festive, beautiful and special – no matter how small the celebration.
4. Counting our blessings
“Count your blessings!” is the advice my son got from his older sister. It’s so easy to take having our family and close friends around us for granted – she reminded him that he’s lucky to be surrounded by people who love him.
My daughter is training to be a student docent at a local Holocaust museum, and that’s helped give her a different perspective on what’s truly important in life. Having enough food, having a safe place to live, being surrounded by people who love you – it’s so easy to overlook what truly is most important in our lives. In planning our son’s celebration, we’re trying very hard not to take the many blessings in our lives for granted.
5. Humor helps
So many aspects of our kids' lives have been upended by the pandemic. Online classes, cancelled graduation cancelled, months and months of no social events. And they've been coping by finding the humor in it all.
Watching my son smile and joke about his scaled-down bar mitzvah plans has made me hope that he’s able to react to other more serious adversities in his future with humor and grace as well.
6. “Come to Israel!”
Our oldest son is planning to spend the coming year in Jerusalem studying in a yeshiva and he had a great suggestion: if travel to Israel is possible later in the year, why don’t we celebrate our youngest son’s bar mitzvah with him and his classmates in the Jewish state?
It’s too soon to know what travel restrictions will look like, but it’s a suggestion that we’re taking seriously. Even if somehow things open up and we’re allowed to have a larger gathering, now that we’ve started brainstorming new ways to celebrate, a family trip to Israel sounds like the most appealing option.
What first looked like a limitation on our son’s bar mitzvah celebrations might wind up making them even more meaningful. Having to rethink our son’s bar mitzvah has helped us focus on what truly matters in life: our family, being together, and celebrating our son’s growing up and gaining new skills. Whether we’re able to celebrate in Israel or quietly at home, that’s a lesson I’m glad we’ve learned. We’re looking forward to our son’s small, low key – and very meaningful – bar mitzvah.
(9) Anonymous, December 17, 2020 10:36 PM
Enjoyed very much!
While writing a speech for my grandsons Bar Mitzvah event (ZOOM of course, and not on Shabbos) I looked for sources of inspiration and ideas. This article provided a lot of help.
(8) Rachel, July 17, 2020 4:35 AM
You have a beautiful family
In between my daughter's big catered bat mitzvah and my son's 13th birthday, I had a near fatal illness. Without my job, we had to cut out all extras-- including a big catered bar mitzvah for him. But it was still a very meaningful day, perhaps especially because we had glimpsed the possibility that he would become bar mitzvah without me.
(7) Jess, July 16, 2020 8:21 PM
Mazel Tov!
Mazel Tov!
(6) Ra'anan, July 16, 2020 6:11 PM
NACHATH &...
THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO!!! B"SD
(5) HERBERT M TUSK, July 16, 2020 2:32 PM
Contrasts
When my father celebrated his bar mitzvah in 1936, he got tefllin and an apple to share with his classmates. They solemnly made a bracha together. When I was bar mitzvah in 1965, my parents were celebrating their win over the nazis. When my grandson, Bezalel Moshe, zoomed his bar mitzvah last March, he was celebrating making a kiddish hashem. How we have developed over the years.
(4) Laura K Meland, July 16, 2020 2:19 PM
The true purpose of Bar/Bat MItsvah (and Confirmation for me)
Thank you for this wonderful article! It is most meaningful for what it teaches a young person who is getting ready to become an adult. It's nice to have the party, the guests and all the great food, but that can always be done later. I hope you all get to go to Israel together! That trip will mean more to all of you.
(3) Laura, July 15, 2020 9:29 PM
Congratulations on your Bar Mitzvah, Mr. Miller. May G-d always bless you!
(2) Dvirah, July 15, 2020 6:35 PM
Silent Bat Mitzvah
The year I was 12, my brother was 13. It was made clear to me that only one party was possible and that it would be his. Furthermore, that year my "birthday Shabbat" fell on Yom Kippur, so did not even have a Kiddush in my honor! Yet in an odd way my quiet announcement to myself during the Vidui that now I alone was responsible for all the listed commandments was more meaningful than any celebration.
Yonah, July 16, 2020 3:56 PM
Dvirah, you are a higher soul.
Dvirah, how amazing that you were able to comprehend the gift and responsibility of Bat Mitzvah rather than (understandably) feel jealous of your brother. You are honored by your reframing of the situation and I hope life gives you all the best.
(1) Simcha, July 13, 2020 10:32 PM
Mazel Tov!
Lots of mazel tov on your son's Bar Mitzvah and lots of Jewish nachas from all of your children. As soon as a boy reaches 13 years of age and a girl reaches 12 years of age they are automatically Bar or Bat Mitzvahed. Even though it is customary to have a party, it is not mandatory. The custom is to have a party with at least 10 men. It is not necessary to have a lavish party with hundreds of people. Even though your son, who by looking at his photo looks like a wonderful boy, would like a lavish party and to lead the davening and read from the Torah which is totally understandable, because I was like that when I was a boy of that age. I always loved performing and speaking in front of a large audience. When I was a 15 year old teenager, I was to supposed to go on a leadership district convention in Atlanta with the BBYO which was a 17 hour bus ride from where I lived. The morning of the trip, I woke up with chicken pox. What a disappointment! I missed out on a 17 hour bus ride to go to a convention that I had waited to go on for months. Unfortunately, there are disappointments in life. The most important thing to know is that something small with immediate family could be even more memorable than a lavish party. It is the quality that counts, not the quantity. Again, lots of mazel tov and I hope that your son's dream comes true and that he will be able to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah in Israel with his classmates. He deserves it!