Wanted: More Fathers

"We need more fathers to step up to the plate and be the fathers children need"

Fatherhood has been under attack in the mainstream media and by liberals and feminists for over thirty years now. Even on fathers day newspapers like the Washington Post and the NY Times publish (or at least did until very recently) published articles critical of fathers. Feminists crow that fathers aren't needed and that single motherhood is the idea.

So where have all the fathers gone- to the great fatherhood burial ground in family law courts and media land. Reform them, make fathers parents again and not just visitors and financial targets, and then you will get more fathers automatically.

Virtually every men's' group in the country argues for more time with their children. The media studiously avoids them and the politicians pretend they don't exist. So please stop blaming the victims here and do something that might make a difference.

so many fathers of today just do not have a clue...they expect the woman to do all the nuturing, scolding and raising of the children, thinking that their financial contribution is enough..sadly, it is not...children need both their parents, good or bad to be present in their lives..when the father then wants to have a say in the childs life, when they are older, the children usually don;t pay much attention to him, purely because he was not an "active" father...sad, but from my experience, true

but, the question is, where we can get them, I mean good fathers. My son yesterday told to me, that he'll never be like his grandfather(alcoholic) and his father(who left us me & my 3 kids). He told, that his dream is to be good father and give his kids what he never get from his own father. The question is: is this possible without having good example?

Having grown up with only my mother (for the most part), as I don't have a father, I can state that it is possible. I'm divorced, and fought very hard for joint custody, as I believe that it is best for my kids to have both parents play an active role in their lives, regardless of my opinion on their mother's dubious morality. It took years to get an agreement from the courts. My kids have grown to realize that when they really want advice and help that I am the one to go to. They trust me completely. Yes, a boy can grow to be a man who is a great father! I decided the same as your son when I was only 10-years-old. And I know that my kids, their teachers, and even their mother respect and admire that.

Feminists do not hate men. We do NOT hate the institution of marriage. Re: Men and child custody. It all depends on who can afford to hire the best lawyer. Sadly, I have known of men who sued for custody so they would not have to pay child support. For those of you who are blaming feminists for the ills of the family, I suggest you consult a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word feminist.

worth reading.

its always appointed and discussed that fathers need to do their part of parenting but how can they when some mothers make it hard for them to do so by not letting them have a relationship with their children when theres no resonable excuse, so therefore i think we need more mothers to do their part by letting fathers do theirs! and im proud to say that i am a mum and i would never deny my child a relationship with her father!

When I added "One other point" to my response entitled "Revenge" I was thinking it would be added to "Revenge" not posted seperately. I belive if "jgarbuz" knew this he may have responded differently.

The article says "The lack of dads has become a common experience for many children in the 21st century. In Toronto, the 2006 census showed that 24 per cent of families are headed by one parent – 83 per cent by a woman." This is deceptive,...why? - Except in cases where the mother is a drug abuser, or guilty of abuse or neglect, almost all courts place the children with the mother. And I agree with this in general. The mother is usually more nurturing and the father is usually working to get money for food, clothing, housing, etc,...

"father is usually working to get money for food, clothing, housing, etc." All anti-father sexist stereotypes!!! The fact that children are not legally domiciled with the father 50% of the time PROVES the anti-father prejudices of our pro-mother legal system! Any judge who isn't placing children to live with their biological father at least 50% of the time is SEXIST AND ANTI_FATHER!!!

Of course it's "anti father sexist stereotypes", that's the whole point. But that's the way the courts are in almost all 50 states. And it isn't gonna change any time soon. It's really not the Judges, it's the laws they must follow. I said "I agree in general", some times the man is more nurturing and the women are out making money. Women can breast feed, not men. Judaism knows women and men have separate roles.

As a divorced father, not only have I had to put up a legal f(r)ight to see my child and have him overnights, but I have faced a mountain of revenge and lies from my ex to the court. I am not the only one, I know several men who have gone, and are going through the same thing as I am. And it doesn't just happen at the divorce. Even months and years later I am still getting legal complaints full of lies from my ex to try and stop overnights and visitation completely. Fortunately DYFS (Division of Family Services) has not substantiated even one allegation, and now I am fighting back not only to get have my ex pay my attorney fees, but more importantly to stop it from happening again, and most importantly to make sure my son has me for a role model. DYFS said usually after 3 false complaints they will stop investigations, but the key word is "usually". Unfortunately many women will stop at nothing to get back at their exs to gain power and control. Some women can be extremely cruel and vicious, resorting even to lying, to get revenge. Many fool themselves into thinking they are "protecting the children". Some fathers don’t have the money to put up a legal defense and they have no choice but to leave. I have spent over 25k and I know one man who has spent over 50k. Others find a new wife and start a new life, sometimes in another state, so they don’t have time to see their children from the previous marriage. It is much easier for man to start a new relationship than women "stuck" with the kids. This situation is far from black and white. One other thing – sometimes attorneys are no good and your money is wasted, another factor in the equation.

Well, raising children is hard work, and for anyone to just leave the responsibility to someone alone, or another person to care for their own children is really ethically wrong, in my opinion. That is, unless in cases of death. Also, why would someone want revenge? Marriage is not necessarily about happiness. It is about growing up, respect for each other, and care, not today's idea of "I'm not happy, so goodbye family."

Ideally, you want to have a good marriage; if you can't, work on a good divorce. Fathers are an important part of children's lives, and their absence is due to both fathers and mothers. A big problem is litigation. There is probably no more unproductive area than matrimonial law. Lawyers are partially at fault, and tell each client what he/she wants to hear until the money runs out. If there is are $150,000 in assets, count on each lawyer taking 65,000 and leaving the rest for the couple to split up. Part of the problem is the client's family and friends. Each client is told his lawyer is not tough enough. A man with multiple affairs is told the problem is he cares for his family too much. The more nasty, difficult, and self-centered a woman is, the more she is told her problem is that she puts others first. If you are or getting divorced, you need to work out some reasonable arrangements first. Litigate only major problems. Limit costs and get clear and written budgeting from your lawyer. Be very skeptical about lawyers who express empathy at 375.00 per hour; use your friends to ventilate. Women should recognize the best way to get reliable child support is to keep their former husbands involved in their children's lives. Use mediation, not 4 way meeting with all parties present, where each lawyer shows how tough he is and lays the groundwork for a 3 year litigation to drain the family's assets, blaming the other party and the other party's lawyer for what is occurring.

Elliott Katz is a brilliant observer.

Is it good for the kids to look at an immoral peerson as a Father, which in our society means "leading them" - especially if he is dressed in a black hat and jacket and learns some Torah? Especially if the lyng and dishonesty is displayed in subtle ways and with the distortment of the Torah? Even most grown-ups can't deal with this, but children yes???

or greedy wives who push them on. Adam ate the fruit because his "help mate" Eve talked him into it.

Are there no probelmatic men? (there are also problematic women - but the article is referring to men...) What about the men who had various emotional problems before marriage (such as Pedaphilia, etc) and did not disclose anything before marriage. As to envious and greedy wives, there are obviously some, but where I come from, a person is supposed to strive to do what's right no matter how others are acting, no?

If men want to be better husbands and fathers, they should read "Garden of Peace" by Rabbi Shalom Arush: For men only, it is a revolutionary book that has saved thousands of homes: in fact, in Israel, the rabbinical divorce courts deem it required reading before preliminary hearings. MAny marriages and families avoided divorce just by this simple intervention. For the women only, his book "Woman's Wisdom" is the in- demand sequel. If anyone wants to read excerpts of Garden of Peace, go to breslev.co.il and type in "garden of peace" to search for related articles.

"for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer." Those who take contracts seriously will take marital commitments seriously.Those who don't, won't. That's all there is to it. Everyone changes with time and age. Life has its ups and downs. Rats abandon a sinking ship. A captain goes down with it.

Fathers are needed to also raise the children, but where are they when the children need to eat help with insurance and child support. If they want to be there after a divorce they need to be their physically and not only emotionally There are to many dead beat Dads

I am a divorced father. I am one of those fathers who changed diapers, carried the kid, showed up at every single event. When we were divorced, I was MASSIVELY frightened of losing my relationship with my children. It was not because of anything the children's mother would do. It was all in my head. A major part of the problem was the one described in this article. I didn't really understand my role as a father. My father was typical father of his age, he went to war, he worked, he was not very sensitive. Me on the other hand, I became an adult in the 1980's. We were different, we were in touch with our feminine side. What a load of garbage that was. We stopped being men and became uniks. I don't mean to say, that we should not be sensitive and caring. But in reality that is the real role a woman can provide. A man has a different role. His role is one of logic and seeing beyond the emotional trauma of the moment. The Torah explains a role for men and for women. When we forget our roles in life, our life doesn't work properly. Thank Gd, everything has pretty much worked out with me and my children. I strongly recommend that men carefully look at their role as a father and focus in one what your strengths are, and don't try to duplicate those of the child's mother.

I was born in a DP camp in Germany after the war. My mother was a Holocaust survivor. But even though my parents could tell me all the most horrid strories in the world, the fact that I was NOT in a concentration camp, or hidden in a pit in the ground for two years, means I DID not fully feel the impact of the Holocaust! Regardless of what my parents went through. If you have NOT experienced betrayal and adultery, and you have not been taken to the cleaners, and have had your only son raised by the other man, then you DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! DO NOT LECTURE ME UNLESS YOU HAVE PERSONALLY BEEN THERE! Period! If you have NOT personally experienced it yourself, you are just whistling through your hat!

Like a man who does not live up to Torah values (lying, cheating, Chas VeaSHalom a pedaphile or other sex offender, he beats his wife, etc. Isn't it better that the child does not receive his "male Identity" from him????

Who quietly commits adultery, while posing to the world as a fine, socially conscious, responsible, charismatic personality? Should the child believe all the slander and lies that mommy fills his ears with?

I agree that children need both parents for different reasons and the couple should try work things out so the kids have both parents. Of course, if the couple really needs to divorce, the custody should be fair for both parents. Plus, they shouldn't drag it out but go to a mediator who can do it quickly. If a parent insists on dragging it out, they should have someone explain that doing it quickly is better for the kids so they don't have to keep bearing this.

Divorce is often necessary for safety or sanity reasons but it is hardest on the kids. Parents MUST stop abandoning their children and/or using them against each other.

The only children who need fathers are those that get to be born. As long as we keep matriarchal descent and as long as the media portray Jews as inferior, Jewish women will continue to prefer mating with goyim. Those few who are open to marrying a Jewish man consistently seem to opt for the wealthiest. The author's statements about fatherhood are correct but irrelevant to the many "excess" Jewish males who aren't wealthy and therefore never get to be fathers in the first place.

Where are the fathers when divorce comes around? Why do many hide their incomes and not pay child support? The single parent has to pay 100% of the his/her income to the children, not to mention appts, schools, projects, being the disciplinarian, car pools, etc (and times that by 3 as in my case). While most of the "fathers" have the free time to start their lives over again. The responsibility is definitely not equally shared. Yeah, I see many of the "fathers" lining around the block to share in the responsibilities once divorced. Oh please!

Your indignant tone belies the arrogance of your view. It is the women who prevent fathers from getting custody of their kids. It is the women who raid child support checks to pay for their fancy cars and high-flying lifestyles. It is the women who pick up new boyfriends and new marriages while treating their children like burdensome reminders that they would just as soon forget. Women initiate 80% of divorce proceedings in North America. They destroy families, and statistically their reasons for doing so are never severe. Truth is that there are paltry few men out there who actually beat their wives, have affairs, etc.--and as often, it is the women having affairs. Women have been taught by modern feminists (many of whom, shamefully, are Jews) to look for phantom "abuse" when their husband won't agree on when to turn off the TV and go to bed. They have been taught to look for phantom "deadbeats" when their ex-husband gets fired and can no longer afford the onerous alimony or child support that a judge has ordered but refuses to change. Women have vindictively and ruthlessly destroyed the institution of marriage, and the poster who lambasted fathers should be ashamed of herself.

I especially deplore arrangements where women deliberately get pregnant and plan to raise the child without a live in father. How can it be good for men to father children that they don't raise, and how can it be good for a child to go without the caring of a father? Some lesbian couples take the egg of one, get it fertilized, and plant into the womb of the other. Our society is sick.

When a family breaks apart, Mostly it is the Father who leaves the household. He leaves his wife, he leaves his children and he leaves his home. He puts his wants before the needs of his children. Why would anyone want that man as a role model for their children? He had a choice, he made that choice and he left them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The very act of leaving his children puts him in the position of a poor role model. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There some are Mothers, too, who leave their children. That is a discussion for another day.

You stated: "Mostly it is the Father who leaves the household." This is not true. The actual statistics are that over 80% of divorces in North America are initiated by women. You are incorrect. Please stop slandering men and focus on the abusive wives and the abusive mothers who ruin families, deprive their children of loving fathers, and put their selfish desires for physical gratification above the bonds of marriage and family.

Nearly 45% of households in USA are single parent households. The majority of those are women at the head. In the case of separating, If the mother was a bad woman ("abusive wives and the abusive mothers") and the father was a decent man, he would have his children with him. He would be the single parent head of household if he truly wanted his children with him.

I am a woman. It's impossible to generalize and say that it's usually the man's fault. I personally know of two cases where the mother ran away with the child (which is illegal, by the way) while the father kept attempting to reconciliate. There was no abuse involved, and the father in both cases desperately wanted to have a relationship with the child. Many people, even if they're generally reasonable, good people, turn vengeful and use the kids as pawns when it comes to divorce. The fact that the mothers "won the fight" and managed to shut their ex-husbands out of their kids lives doesn't mean that the fathers wanted out, or that they did anything wrong at any point. Courts generally favor the mother when it comes to custody.

When a father is abusive to his wife and sometimes kids then she may need to decide to protect her kids by leaving with the kids. Some fathers are not in their kids lives because the kids are better off that way. Unconctrolled anger and blame systems are worse for kids than growing up in poverty with a single mother.

That may be the case in some instances, but such abuse is truly a small minority and does not account for 83% of divorced families where mothers have sole custody. It is a systemic problem that does not recognize the value of fatherhood.

Even if the father lives at home..he may not have all the qualities you mentioned, for ex. he may not treat his wife properly, albeit the father who lives outside the home bc of a divorce might be pleasant & respectful. No one knows. So in any instance a father should just be as good as he can be. Quality usualy trumps quantity!!!

The death of the traditional patriarchal family means the eventual death of marriage, except maybe for gays. The Left, the radical feminysts, and that ilk destroyed the traditional underpinnings of marriage, as democracy has destroyed monarchy. The father is no longer even the TITULAR head of the family, and probably not the major breadwinner anymore. Father is only a dispensable third wheel, and I see only further deterioration on this front. What is the point of fatherhood now? What's in it for father? He has no power, and no control., and is only a cash machine until he is broke and abandoned. Someone explain to me where I am wrong.

And there's not much that one needs to add. Radical feminism is based largely on a raging, furious hatred of (or, at least, contempt for) men. For some time now, male-bashing is rampant in popular media & entertainment. Homer Simpson & the "family guy" are bumbling idiots who manage only with the help of their smarter wives. In real-life families, dad often finds that he is criticized & challenged on every single thing he says & does. No wonder, then, that his survival response is to just withdraw from the vipers' nest & become--shame heaped upon shame--the absent dad..

Like the Holocaust, nobody wanted to believe what was going on until it was already over and even then there were those who continued to deny to this day. What is going on today is an anti-father holocaust, where men are being driven out of their homes by very clever, scheming mothers who then lie and slander and besmirch good men before their children. Like with the Palestinians, the public has bought into the anti-father propaganda as they have mostly bought into the "poor Palestinian" propaganda, and it appears nothing said or done can change this mindset.

Dear jgarbuz, your comment alludes to your resentment for some wrong that was done to you by your parents or ex-spouse. Sadly, you are not wrong. But there is a revolution in this country where women are taking control back from the leftist agenda and making their homes wonderful places for their husbands and their kids. They are trying hard to find themselves after decades of being lost to the reality that dads are indispensible and that thier own lives were made very difficult by the feminista revolution and the liberal idea that men don't matter. Part of the problem is men that were raised by these feministas who think that this is the normal way of things and perpetuate the problem, as well as the girls brought up in this nonesense that men are not important. I was raised this way and it has been hard to let my husband take the regins. 10 years of marriage and I am still working on this problem, but I recognize the problem, thanks to Dr. Laura, and am really making an effort. G-d willing, more women will realize that it is US who have been gyped all these years by the femenistas and stop the nonesense.

You seem very bitter. I'm a feminist democrat, and an Orthodox woman with a husband and children. My parents and grandparents were more traditional, but still pretty liberal. In all these marriages, mom & dad were equal partners (although with different roles, some due to gender, some to preference). No one in my family is dispensable. There have been times in my marriage when my husband was out of work and I was the only earner, other times when he was employed and making much more than I. I'm only mentioning this because you seem to have a problem about egalitarian marriages, women with substantial earnings, etc. And if a man's attitude is "what is the point of fatherhood/ what's in it for the father", then that man should probably not be siring children in the first place. Every spouse, every parent should ask "what can I do for others" -- if one's only question is "what's in it for me", then one is indeed likely to be bitter and abandoned. While there are things I choose not to do for family members (my adult child needs to make own doctor's appointments instead of expecting me to do it, my high school student is not going to get endless reminders to finish homework), that's not because I begrudge them the assistance, but because they need to learn to do these things for themselves. In my marriage, I cannot think of anything my spouse would ask of me that I would unilaterally refuse to do because I know he has MY best interests at heart. Of course we have different perspectives, but no one person has "power and control" -- we make decisions together.

I've heard this comment from many men. A father does not need permission from "the Left, radical feminists and that ilk" to show leadership in his family. The real question is: why didn't many men know better than to listen to these ideas from "the Left"? Why didn't they ignore these ideas and be the fathers their children want and that their wives want them to be? In researching my book "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man," women told me over and over they want men to be leaders and decision-makers at home and are frustrated with men who aren't -- no matter what "the Left" says..

“women told me over and over they want men to be leaders and decision-makers at home” At home, and long before we build a home together—of course! It goes without saying! We are expected to demonstrate all of those very manly traits that would get us fired at work. And of course, if our goal was to work part time¸ say as a secretary, so that we could be more involved with our families, and be more effective decision-makers, absolutely NOBODY—from potential employers, to potential wives—would hold it against us. After all, how can men have the gall to complain about unfairness when we collectively make the rules?

Nobody could destroy fatherhood except fathers who do not have a clear understanding of their roles and their importance in human society.

Children do need fathers, as the author suggests. They also need mothers who recognize that need and allow ex-husbands to be fathers and not undermine the paternal relationship. And when the women re-marry, they need to choose a man who is a good paternal influence and not just a companion for mom.

It's sad that so many use the kids as weapons. Our legal systems are such that the men often give up out of frustration alone. If women would realize how important the presence and input of fathers are to children, then perhaps some of this change would happen.

i grew up in the 60s in the USA when divorce was less common than it is today, and a child of divorce was said to be from a "broken home," unlike today's "single-parent family." It's true that the numbers of absent dads in today's world is astounding and sad. That said, I'd like to give credit to those dads that are present. When I was growing up, although my parents remained married, women had nearly full responsibility for raising the children while the father worked very long, hard hours to help fulfill the "American dream." Although I loved my father and had a positive relationship, he was rarely around, often coming home after my bedtime and rarely available to attend school events and be part of family gatherings and happy occasions. I believe my husband and son are better spouses and fathers because despite working hard outside of the home, they take a much more active role in child raising, household duties, and helping their spouses, and are generally much more present in their families' lives, something that was unusual in the culture of the 60s in the US.