Dear Rebbetzin Feige,
My husband is really unhappy with life, his job, everything. He says our marriage is the only good thing in his life, but his negativity is dragging me down. I tell him, “Be happy, you have a job in today’s world, even if you don’t like it.” He says that doesn’t help. How do I stay sane and remain afloat?
Dear Reader,
One of the major contributing factors to happiness for all human beings is a sense of self-fulfillment – the feeling that one is doing and accomplishing what they were meant to do with their life. Without it, the scenario you described is not uncommon.
It is important, my dear reader, to understand that regarding fulfillment in life, the needs of men and women are, generally speaking, measurably different. Fulfillment and gratification for a man comes in large measure from his outward conquests, from the world beyond the home, his wife and family context. A husband who does not find fulfillment in his work is not a great candidate for being a joyful human being.
Having said that, both of you need to consider that happiness, and any state of being, is a choice. It is not determined by a set of circumstances but by one’s attitude to the given situation. It is we who determine the reality in which we live. It is our perception, the way we choose to interpret the events of our lives, that makes the difference.
It's the way we choose to interpret the events of our lives that makes the difference.
There are days when we wake up in a positive and optimistic mood, prepared to take on the day with hope, vim and vigor. And then there are days when gloom and doom sap our energy and our élan vital is virtually nonexistent. Comparing both instances, there is no appreciable difference in the context in which we find ourselves. What is it, then, that allows us one day to paint the images that appear on the canvas of our day in bright hues and on another day in dark and depressing colors? It's our thinking, the way we are processing the events of our day that dictates our mood and creates the reality of our existence.
Since we are the thinkers, the power is in our hands. Although thousands of thoughts will pass through our minds daily, we need not feel compelled to grant them residence in our mind. We can, at will, let them pass through and not dwell on them. Even when they seem to be insistent, we can deliberately distract ourselves by doing something else, i.e. call a friend, bake a cake, take a walk, etc. This will allow us to “drop” the negative contaminated thinking that is guaranteed to drag us down and take us to all too familiar lows we don’t want to revisit. If we would internalize this truth and reiterate over and over the mantra that “I am the thinker,” it has the potential to be a transformative experience.
It's Not About Me
Consider Rachel, whose most recent son-in-law irked her to no end. She saw him as arrogant, with a high opinion of himself that was totally unearned and unwarranted. His pompous manner offended her to the point that he put a damper on every family gathering. I helped her understand that since she was the thinker, she wasn’t compelled to be consumed by her obsessive negative thinking. She had the wherewithal, if she chose it, to let go, empty her mind and make room for clarity. The session ended with her admitting that her son-in-law did in fact have many redeeming qualities. When she stopped to think about him more objectively, she recognized that he was a devoted husband who seemed to make her daughter happy, and as a father to his young children he was superb. Moreover, she conceded that people at large did seem to like him. None of these good qualities had previously registered in her mind because her head had been full of the persistent negative thinking about his faults and deficiencies.
Her thinking was always about her – what she liked or didn’t like, what irked her. This eclipsed her ability to think of the welfare of her daughter or her grandchildren. The “it’s about me” attitude always creates a distorted picture.
This does not mean that we will not on occasion succumb to our down moments, be it about relationships, finances, or illness God forbid. But we need to understand that these thoughts will come and go, and when we clear out the negativity we will make room for the positive wisdom that resides deep within each one of us that will inform the given situation.
Adopting a “it’s not about me” stance will allow you to focus on him with compassion.
My dear reader, it’s totally understandable that your husband’s attitude is distressing for you and your family and is creating a joyless environment for all of you. If, however, you can shift your focus on his pain rather than yours, you will recognize that it is not that he wants to be where he is, nor is he deliberately looking to cause his beloved family unhappiness. Give him credit for that. Adopting a “it’s not about me” stance will allow you to focus on him with compassion. Hopefully, he will sense that you are with him, an ally and not an adversary, and being a team might perhaps motivate him to seek professional help.
Lastly, fulfillment in work, while it does provide for a sense of worth and self-esteem and is a significant factor, there is another dimension that often goes unrecognized that is even of greater and more basic significance. The unchallenged principle is that one cannot live “on bread alone.” Implicit in this statement is the truism that our physical and material existence must perforce take second place to the Godly soul, the spirit of man, the Divine investiture that defines and distinguishes us as humans. To be sure, this soul has needs and requires nourishment no less than our bodies. When one neglects the spiritual needs, there is what my brother-in-law, Dr. Abraham Twerski, a renowned psychiatrist, refers to as “a spiritual vitamin deficiency.” This is often marked by a lingering dissatisfaction with life – an inability, despite great “success” out there, to find a sense of peace or lasting joy in one’s existence.
The antidote to this spiritual vitamin deficiency would require pursuing a course of Torah study, involvement in a growth-oriented community, charity, work, etc. Enhancing not only one’s knowledge but also one’s observance can generate an effervescence and a sense of being alive, of moving in the right direction, and ultimately, most significantly, of connecting with one’s true eternal essence.
In conclusion, dear reader, I would recommend the following:
A. Adopt an “it’s not about me” approach that will allow you to feel compassion and empathy for your husband, whereby he will feel affirmed and supported.
B. Avail yourself of a person to talk to, a third party who will help keep you grounded, your equilibrium intact and your perspective clear.
C. There are a good many books that can be helpful. One of my favorites is “You Can Feel Good Again” by Richard Carlson.
D. Be sure that you are maintaining and sustaining a positive tone and environment despite the difficulties will ultimately reap great benefits.
E. Don’t underestimate the power of your stick-to-it-iveness. Understand as well that this posture, precisely because of the inherent challenges, will set an example and provide a legacy for your family that, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” It’s a testimony to the mettle of one’s character to persevere when things aren’t the ideal way we would like them to be. I am confident that eventually it will pay off, and your husband will come around.
I wish you all the best and shana tova.
(12) Anonymous, November 6, 2017 2:42 PM
I am the thinker.
I love the statement, "I am the thinker." I've made it my phone wallpaper. An apt reminder that we can control our thoughts and focus on positive things in our life. Thank you for this gift.
(11) Carol, February 5, 2014 9:04 PM
By husband is never happy...literally.
My husband and I got divorced years ago. I found out afterward he had been committing adultery for years. We eventually reconciled which I am regretting now. He is never happy, always in a blue mood and in his head all the time. We don't have conversations like normal couples, they usually turn into disagreements that he starts. He is not usually fun to be around because of his moodiness and anger, he won't get counseling. I am at my wits end. I feel like I wasted a lot of years with him and I am still doing it. I really don't know how long I am supposed to wait for things to get better. I feel like I should just leave and start my life over but I don't have financial means to do that. He is always dreaming of the next big thing. The next vacation, the next mission trip, the next thing he wants to buy and I think it's all things he wants to do to impress others . All of this totally irritates me. I am not a missionary and I feel like just a tag along in his life of needed adventures. I don't need those things for happiness or to try to impress others. I don't like traveling with him, he is moody then too. Help!
(10) Anonymous, December 23, 2010 4:57 PM
enough
There is so much a person can be an ezer and then be pulled down again and again every day with being the sounding board and listener of how bad everything is.
(9) a similarly suffering man, October 19, 2010 9:17 AM
EZER
#6 concluded: "By supporting him, he will know you love him for who he is and want him to be happy" There is so much here. Please note, ladies -- i am such a man going through the thoes of something similar, after 24 years of a powerfully meaningful marriage, and I'm convinced that the wife really has no grasp of the divine need for the "ezer" element of our marriage. This doesn't exempt me from seeking to transcend negative experiences "out there", of course. But so many women have no idea how hard it can be to find our niche in the big brutal world. H' did not call you an ezer just to go through the motions til you decide you've had it! Is he abusive? Radically negative? or just unfulfilled, as the article puts it, and in need of an honest-to-goodness Ezer?
(8) Anonymous, October 6, 2010 4:31 AM
BEEN THERE DONE THAT
I've been married for the last eight years now and I'm telling you that I did the all supportive and understanding your husband business. But, what do you do if they take advantege of my of it? The first five years of our marriage I have been the one to look the other way when we have arguements and financial problems. I did everything in my power to help my husband feel positive and accomplished with his lot in life. But all he does is get worse and kind off got used to the fact that I have all the answers and will make things better.(can't get into details). The last three years of my marriage I started feeling drained and resentment towards my husband. I feel like I have been used and neglected because it was always been about him. What happens now? How am I suppose to continue my life wit him without love and respect? The honest truth, instead of him getting better and growing in every aspect of his life, him knowing the fact that I will always be there to fix the boo boo just ruined my marriage.
Ary, June 17, 2011 10:20 PM
Some suggestions
Dear Anonymous, I am so sorry about how things are now in your marriage. May Hashem bring you a complete גאולה with this במהרה בימינו. However, for now, let me try to list a few suggestions to dealing with this issue. 1. I don't know if you have any kids or not, but if I were you I would start to focus on building yourself more, and specifically becoming the person you want to be. I know that this is really hard (especially for an outsider to say) but the truth is that when you focus more on yourself (there is a ספר called חשבון הנפש which is particularly good)- you will start to compensate some of that external respect with self-respect you garner.It is possible that your husband will respond in kind and do the same (although don't count on it). 2. Address his problems differently I am not suggesting that you jump into this right away (and it might not be applicable to you if you think your husband will regress this way), but maybe its a good idea to, instead of saying "Ok, don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" or "its ok..." etc., say, "How do you think we can address this problem?". By using phrases like that, you tell him that 1. Its both of our problems (not just his or yours) and that 2. you care about him and consider his problems yours, BUT you also consider it his problem too. He will probably get those subtle messages. 3. Talk to a mentor I really suggest that you try to talk to your mentor/seminary Rabbi who could help you with these issues. 4. Spend time with friends (or maybe call that long lost-relative or friend from seminary - perhaps even a neighbor down the corner) which might help you with support. These are just a few ways that I can think of to try to help you deal with this very tough time. (Please: don't take my word for it before doing any of these: ask a mentor by you do anything!) May Hashem help you deal with all of these problems. (Also, it goes without saying: Daven!)
(7) Anonymous, September 3, 2010 1:57 AM
He needs to stop being so negative.
He doesn't need compassion. He needs to be told to grow up, that life isn't always fun. Adult life is hard. A lot of people have jobs they don't like. A lot of people aren't happy with their lives. I'd get sick of someone complaining all the time too.
Anonymous, August 8, 2011 5:49 PM
Yep, agree.
I cannot agree more. We all want to be happy, and to be upset with what we don't have is a waste of what we do have. I have been spending time with my husband in view of supporting him with all the positivity that I could offer. Did it work? Not a bit. Spending hours with him about his resentment with work went absolutely nowhere, only left me drained, powerless and angry. Had a dream last night, of marrying some crown prince, and got really thrilled that my thought of every girl is a princess growing up to be a queen had literally came true, and then realising that I am already in a relationship with this guy sleeping next to me. I wonder if God is trying to tell me that I am forfeiting my dream to be with this person. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think how much he is hurting me right now.
Anonymous, October 10, 2013 8:11 AM
Negative spouse
I've been married to this type of negative, angry, complaining man over 25 years. He is 53. About the time he was 40 ish, he turned this way and gets worse as he ages. I'm very patient and loving person, but I can hardly stand it. We separated for a year due to this along with abuse of mental, verbal , emotional and financial. Since I'm back the abuse is 90% better, but the constant negativity is maddening. My advice to you is, if you are still single and just in a relationship with him, is get out ASAP. Be your own hero and save yourself. It is unlikely he will change except for the worst.
(6) Anonymous, September 1, 2010 10:01 PM
Help Mate
Being part of your man's world helps him have a shoulder to lean on at the end of the day. "How was your day?" and really mean it you want to know. If it's negative let him talk it out. Let him know you really care and you understand. If you don't have any good insight to share with him to make things better in his mind, just sharing with someone who loves him will help to shake off the day. Agree when he speaks of injustices, or what he has to put up with, with the kinds of people he has to deal with. "Yes they are a bunch of morons" by the end of the long conversation the two of you can be making some jokes over it all. If a career move needs to take place, support him 100%. Even if it does mean less income. By supporting him, he will know you love him for who he is and want him to be happy, and not just a feed bucket.
(5) Anonymous, August 30, 2010 4:49 PM
compassion
The author suggests the path of compassion - precisely because that is not necessarily the first response someone would take or would be led to through reason. Don't overlook the need for compassion.
(4) Anonymous, August 29, 2010 8:13 PM
Comment #2 is right on target
People sometimes need medication for depression; it's also possible that there is another latent disease or condition causing the depression. The gentleman should see his doctor and, perhaps, a psychiatrist.
(3) Betty Moses, August 29, 2010 7:04 PM
Its all very well to think that if a man is not fulfilled at work, he feels "less of a man" etc. However, what happens when a woman is left feeling "less of a woman" if she either has no children or is not a good cook or is not very beautiful, all these qualities that are usually attributed to women. Would everyone sympathise with her if she became difficult ? I don't think so. Unfortunately women are hard wired to suck it up & go on like everything is Ok but a man, GOD forbid, is not happy with his job, the world is full of sympathy. I would say to this guy, suck it up & be glad you have a job.Count your belessings that you have an understandibg wife.
(2) Janis Kohlenberg, August 29, 2010 5:00 PM
Underlying depression
The young man in the article maybe suffering from clinical depression, which is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. This was not even a consideration in the article. This situation should be pursued by an assessment by a therapist or a psychiatrist, who, if necessary, can prescribe medication and counseling to help get this person past his problem. Some people must stay on meds and therapy for a long time, some for a lifetime, but if it needs to be, then it should be done. In my work, I see many people who suffer from depression or bi-polar deepression, or even manic depression, and those who commit themselves to therapy and medicationare able to lead productive, fulfilling lives. Mental illness is still a diagnosis that most people are uncomfortable with and sometimes ashamed of. This is just like any other illness. If you have diabetes or high blood pressure, you take meds to maintain your health. The same is true with mental illness. I hope this young man can find a way to cope. With medication and a supportive family and the other suggestions offered to his wife, he should be able to lead a satisfying life for himself as well as his wife and children. There may be more going on here than meets the eye of even his wife. I wish him well.
(1) ruth housman, August 29, 2010 4:42 PM
the Job of living in today's world
As was pointed out so well, there are many aspects to this subject. Another could be, the need to change jobs, or to look for change of venue. We all at times feel a nudge that something is not working, and even trying to shine a light on this, to find the good inside the bad, just doesn't have permanence on our moods. Something is wrong. And very often it can happen, that it is time to move on, and time to heed that voice that is saying, something's not quite right. It's good to find the silver lining everywhere in life, and life does present some major challenges for us all, challenges seemingly outside our control . If a job doesn't seem satisfying, maybe there's meaning in this too, that has to do with change, and that change just might be, seeking something else. And yes, spiritual nourishment is one kind of something else, and so could be, a change of venue.