Dear Rebbetzin Feige,
I am a newly married woman who was raised in a Jewish home with Torah values. My question is this: It seems that all men have a 'yetzer hara,' an urge, to look at other women. How is a married women supposed to come to terms with this? I am so insecure every time we go out. I feel like my husband might look at another woman and think that she is prettier than me.
Of course he assures me that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, but I am scared he won't be attracted to me if I gain weight (which I have because I am pregnant). This insecurity is so painful and I know I hurt him every time I bring it up. He feels like I don't trust him, which I guess I don't. What can I do about this?
Dear Reader,
The 'yetzer harah' (evil inclination), that you speak of is, as you correctly assessed, a fact of life. This is true not only in the area of gender relations but also in everything else around us that lures our senses and beckons for our attention and participation. This has been part of the human condition since the beginning of time.
Consider Adam and Eve in paradise, surrounded by unprecedented abundance -- yet they nevertheless found themselves drawn to the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge that is described as "good for food, tempting to the sight, and a delight to contemplate" (Genesis 3:6). Though they had so many other trees to choose from, they succumbed, ate of its forbidden fruit, and the rest is history.
It is only the mastery over our urges that constitutes our unique eminence and grandeur.
The same conflict exists in our day-to-day lives. Moment to moment, we all stand before the "Tree of Knowledge" as did Adam and Eve in their day. We are constantly confronted by the choice between our animal instincts and desires, and our mindfulness of a higher calling that exhorts us to subordinate our nature to obey the Voice of God.
Indeed, moral freedom is the foundation of man's higher dignity and there can be no moral freedom without the ability to err and to sin. Moreover, man cannot sin unless his senses are attracted to evil and repelled by goodness. It is only the mastery over our urges and subordination of the less-than-lofty inclinations of our nature to the Will of God that constitutes our unique eminence and grandeur.
As Stephen Covey, a contemporary writer, states, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom."
All of us can only hope and pray that we will opt to express the better part of ourselves and that our decisions in life will reflect the will of the Master of the universe. Ongoing learning, prayer, and surrounding ourselves with friends of like values can be helpful to keep us on track.
Elusive Beauty
Your anxiety and insecurity about your looks evokes a number of points. The first is that attraction and chemistry between two people is seldom comprised exclusively of facial features or body dimensions. There are the unquantifiable components of personality -- attitudes, sense of humor, spirit, vivaciousness, body language, refinement, character, etc. -- that are all major factors in the composite of 'looks.'
Consider the common experience of a first impression, the initial glimpse of a person who at first blush may strike us as less than beautiful, but after greater exposure and expanded knowledge of the person we cannot even remember how we could have thought him or her to be anything but captivating.
The converse is true as well, that of a physically striking individual whose appeal totally wanes as we come to realize that they are bereft of heart, soul or personality.
Moreover, the 'beauty in the eyes of the beholder' truism dictates that physical appeal cannot be reduced to a science or logic. I have often encountered young men who share with me their list of requirements for the spouse they are seeking. To my chagrin, good looks are all too frequently a top priority item. Ironically, more often than not, I am amazed by the end product of their search which, in my opinion, belies any approximation to what they initially insisted they must have. It proves to me over and over again, that an objective definition of beauty is as elusive as reducing the essence of all people to one given formula. Beyond any doubt, the saying "different strokes for different folks" rings true every time.
If physical beauty is the exclusive criteria and basis for a relationship, it is doomed at the outset.
If beauty was objective, it would create a sad state of affairs. Every man and woman respectively would gravitate and seek out the same person. The Almighty, in His infinite wisdom, created a world where people have very subjective taste in all things. In the words of our Sages, "Just as no two people look exactly alike outwardly, similarly no two people think alike or value the exact same things." The Talmud, in discussing the various supra-logical biases that exist in human nature, identifies the special charm that a woman has in her husband's eyes -- a status reserved for her alone.
Looking Inward
I would strongly advise you, dear reader, to direct your attention inward, to take inventory of your own personal assets, to look deep inside yourself, to find the root of your insecurity. Clearly, looks alone can never be the basis of an ongoing successful marriage. Indisputably, by definition, all that is purely physical wanes with time, and dedicating one's life and efforts to the maintenance of youth and beauty (face lifts and cosmetics notwithstanding), will ultimately prove futile. Hence, if physical beauty is the exclusive criteria and basis for a relationship, it is doomed at the outset.
By doing things that are enduring and respectable, you will feel worthy of your spouse's attention.
For a lasting relationship your sense of self-esteem must flow from inside, from inner substance. You need to feel good about yourself. This vital attitude can be generated only by doing things that are enduring and respectable. See yourself as a worthy human being, giving, contributing, learning, becoming, and making a difference. Only then you won't be so vulnerable and dependent on the opinion and the approval of others, and perhaps, more importantly, you will feel yourself worthy of your spouse's preeminent attention.
A healthy sense of self, born of an ongoing spiritual, emotional and intellectual journey, is the best antidote to the insecurities that might threaten one's equilibrium. There are times that outside intervention -- i.e. therapist, qualified good friend or spiritual guide -- might be helpful in launching a positive course of action towards self-esteem. Before one can successfully consummate a relationship with another, they must first consummate a positive relationship with themselves.
In conclusion, I would strongly urge you, dear reader, to cease the barrage of attacks of overt and covert insinuations on the lack of integrity of your husband. The saying of "look at a person as they are and that is all they will be, or look at a person as what they might become and that then is what they will be," strongly applies here. Concentrating on flaws and blemishes is self-defeating and can become self-fulfilling. Instead, put your effort toward making your time together enjoyable and nurturing. Be assured that a pleasant, positive and happy wife is the greatest of all blessings for a husband, and is more likely than anything else to keep him looking in your direction.
(29) Anonymous, February 20, 2019 10:47 AM
I too can relate to these insecurities.. reading through the comments it didn’t seem like anyone had any comforting thoughts, just how everyone can relate. I need a little more to feel totally secure but one thing I can say is that yes so it’s built in a mans nature to look if there is a beautiful women.. ouch that hurts.. but we have to understand that’s it’s not personal... even if you were a model, it wud still be part of him and no matter who you were married to all guys share this nature..it’s not like ur husband is choosing to be like that. To be more understanding of nature’s what iOS the nature of a women? A women since young is always trying to look beautiful, it’s the nature of a women to enjoy beautifying herself. You know what else is part of a women’s nature, could be it’s sibconscious for some but a women wants male attention. At the end of the day it feels good when you notice that a mans noticing you. It doesn’t mean anything it just by nature feels good. If your husband knew it felt good he wouldn’t be too glad about it... but that’s the thing.. you didn’t ask for it, your not acting on it or showing it and you have zero feelings for the one who noticed you... just in some deep down state you did enjoy it just a bit. But that doesn’t mean anything to ur relationship. If you don’t respect your husband and he doesn’t feel loved then you can worry (only to change something) when theirs a more beautiful woman around... if you take care of him and he feels loved plus you look good - you just need to give him what to feed on - get a pedicure, do ur hair, nice outfit... it’s not too hard! Every women can be beautiful (and no women look good without makeup....well there are acceptions but that’s not the point)
(28) emunah, April 29, 2013 4:21 PM
I believe that a woman has to give a lot of love to her husband- because if your husband will look at other woman - when he comes home and sees a wife that smiles at him and accepts him warmly after a long day of work or learning , and does everything with much love for him - he will treat and look at you so lovingly , so full of admiration- that he wont want to look elsewhere because you- are number one in his eyes....forever....
(27) Anonymous, June 5, 2012 3:31 PM
Insecurity is tormenting me
I love my husband dearly, he cheated with a woman 20 years younger, I found out 2 years after it was over, we've rebuilt our marriage and he is loving towards me again, not cold and distant as he was at the time he cheated. He's. Ever said sorry in words but by many caring actions. I feel I will never be the old me again. I am insecure and lonely in my marriage, I put on a confident front and positive with him but inside I cry and hurt still, I need him to compliment my looks or give me a pet name I don't trust him. I work full time and I pray a lot but there is no relief I carry a scar of mistrust and pain.
(26) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 1:31 PM
Bed of roses
I'm relieved to read this and realise that i am not the only one who suffers from this situation . As a newly wed i am terrified to go out in public in case i see my husband even slightly gaze towards another woman. I am so conscious of his doing it that it becomes the focus of my thoughts whenever we go out, which inevitably manifests into a fight and a ruined occasion . My issue is why women should tolerate ,accept and "come to terms with" her man looking at other "forbidden fruit" ? I find it rude ,insulting and disrespectful behaviour which i refuse to justify by the notions that " boys will be boys and "men like to look" and "men have a yeitza hora poor things". It's one thing to love and respect yourself but I feel that allowing your husband to disrespect you by tolerating such behaviour shows a lack of self esteem not a show of confidence.
(25) Candi, November 21, 2010 10:31 PM
5 Years Later
5 years later after the last post, I have come across this article out of my own fears. I am not alone:) I have bookmarked this article and will keep coming back to it for support. Thank you everyone for posting encouraging words:)
(24) alicia, May 18, 2009 7:16 PM
Amazing. I also came across this while searching insecurities and am amazed at how many woman feel like me. As if our value of the world relies on looks and just looking at a woman will steal my husbands heart. It's a terrible way to live and I promise the only way we can get thru it is by living in the word of the Lord and walking thru faith.
(23) Honeylove, December 19, 2008 8:57 AM
I am going to get married this summer to a wonderful man, but I know I have major problems with insecurity. I do not look unattractive to others, but I know who I am without the makeup and without the pretty clothes. I don't like looking at myself. It's so severe that I never dreamed of getting married, or if I do think about it, the they are often shattered with thoughts of my husband being disinterested in me as time goes on. I've been suffering with the same insecurities since childhood, and no matter how much I pray to take the insecurity away, it keeps coming back. It came even more so when I met this man whom I am going to marry very, very soon. I don't like showing every bit of myself, which I hide, to someone who I am going to be one flesh with. I read this line from your article: "Before one can successfully consummate a relationship with another, they must first consummate a positive relationship with themselves." I can't stop love from happening, and I cannot delay a marriage in order to fix myself first. What if I take a lifetime? I know that we do not wait to approach God when we know we are perfect because He can accept us at anytime when we are truly repentant of our sins. In the same way, I cannot let go of my future husband because I want to wait for myself to be better. I feel like it's an ongoing process. I'm just so scared that I might never heal, and that I keep entertaining these insecure thoughts, and bring it up to my lover over and over again. I feel that if I do he would try to make a harder effort to look away from other women, but at the same time, it's torture for him. I cannot live with the fact that it's natural and instinctual for a man to look at other women. I just want men to be blind to other women and only be attracted to the one they are to marry or they are married to. Why does God have to create this programmed attraction even after a man gets married? I don't like how the world unfolded after the fall of man.
(22) Anonymous, November 17, 2007 1:41 AM
Model
Rebbetzin Feige, you are a wonderful writer, and truly inspirational. I am a model that is in constant short relationships. My biggest downfall is my insecurities. My boyfriend, currently, doesn't look at other women, but I have an insecurity that if I grow old, and look old, he would stop looking at me the way he does. I understand that physical looks aren't everything. However, I have been relying on them for so long that I feel without looks, I will be a failure. I feel like physical looks have given me my success, and it can also take it away. It can also take my bf away. However, I truly recognize what you have said, and I will take it to heart.
(21) Anonymous, February 10, 2007 4:07 PM
Identifying With Your Feelings
I have to admit, I am not of the Jewish faith and came across this website when I googled the word 'insecurity'. I am going through the same insecure problems with my husband, worrying and getting very angry with him when he looks at other women. We have been married for 5 years, and it has progressively gotten worse. I have sought counseling for the past few months to understand my insecurities and to learn to overcome them. I was extremely amazed and impressed by Rebbetzin's response. A lot of what she said rings true in my own life, "that what they might become is what they will become...". My own insecurities and anger have in many ways, become self fulfilling. We will begin couples counseling as I also continue my own individual counseling. In reading the writer's problems and the response, I really feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only one out there struggling through similar challenges. I wish you the best of luck.
(20) TamaDavis, September 13, 2006 4:27 PM
Comment on article
I really needed to read this article. I am married to a rabbi and as much as I I try to see the comments made by the other women toward him as something to be admired, I often become very insecure. Comments are made such as "don't worry about whether or not we are comfortable Rabbi, we would be happy to sit on the floor in order to listen to your teaching." Comments such as these are made by some of the women and I really have a hard time not believeing there is more than an interest in his teaching. I will try harder to ignore such comments as other than my husband being a good teacher. Thanks for the article.
(19) Anonymous, May 5, 2005 12:00 AM
When I was younger, (I am in my fifties now) I heard the following axiom several times: When he stops looking, you are in trouble! I agree that the men look almost reflexively - automatically - then, very happily come back to that which is theirs - you. Of course in our Orthodox lives even the "looking" part is minimal compared to that which is going on 'out there'. Following Rebbetzin Twersky's wonderful advice to 'look inward', etc. can make all the difference to you. A confident person believes it when people compliment them and your husband needs you to believe him and trust him.
I wish you much hatzlocha and a happy, fulfilling marriage until 120.
(18) Miriam, March 5, 2005 12:00 AM
But you are *His*!
I agree with the other poster who mentioned that men (in general) see a pregnant woman's body as a sign of his virility, not as "getting fat." Whenever I complained of feeling fat during a pregnancy, my husband always corrected me, "You're not fat, you're occupied!" So then I felt like the West Bank. No, really, it helped.
More importantly, your husband likes you for who you are, because you are his. That makes you special to him, and beautiful in his eyes, always. In a recent class I went to, the teacher emphasized over and over (and said numerous rebbeim had asked her to do so) that especially today it is our job to dress nicely to attract and keep our husband's attention... to distract him, as it were, from all the other beautiful women out there.
It's easy to feel unsure of yourself, I know that from experience! but if you make an effort to dress nicely for your husband, wear things he's bought you or outfits he's commented on, make-up if he appreciates that (my husband hates make-up, so I never touch the stuff.) and make it obvious that you're doing it all for him, then he won't need to look elsewhere. Not to say he won't "look" since that's sort of involuntary, but his attention will always come back to you. The other women don't care about him, and you do... and that will be obvious to him.
(17) Miryam, February 26, 2005 12:00 AM
Wonderful Article!
Thank you Rebbetzin Twerski for this wonderful article. I can personally relate to it.
(16) basya, February 25, 2005 12:00 AM
home quality
My husband and I became religious later in life as a couple. We have four children and I am definitely no longer a size 5. One thing I've learned is that men look at women--I've also learned that it doesn't mean he finds you unattractive, or that your marriage is in trouble, or that you're too fat, too thin, too anything. My husband loves me, is faithful but he still looks--its a reflex, like a sneeze. Don't worry about it--put your heart into making a heimisch home with Torah values, a place he is happy to come home to, and you'll never have to worry. My grandmother used to say that even good men sometimes look to get their appetite, but they come home to eat. Make your home a place he wants to come home to.
(15) J, February 24, 2005 12:00 AM
Some advice from a married man
1. In some "frumer" cirlces, newly married couples do not have guests for quite a while after the chasuna. This is a good policy for a couple were one or both partners is insecure. Also, you should not eat meals at the homes of peers. Try to go to parents and other older relatives for yom tov, etc.
2. A women needs to realize that self-esteem is attractive to one's husband, as long as the wife doesn't become overly assertive or pushy.
3. Speak to your husband frankly. If he is a young FFB. Explain to him that it may be somewhat irrational but that you would be much happier if was careful to not give the impression of noticing other women. Tell him that you are certain that he is not looking at other women l'shem looking. If he is a mentch, he will be sensitve to that.
4. It is not a bad idea to try to beautify one's self on the outside, put on a bit of make-up before he comes home etc. As long as it doesn't become a substitute for working on a sense of inner beauty.
(14) julia, February 22, 2005 12:00 AM
seeing other women as beautiful too
Fearing that he will look at other women is something all women have to deal with, which can be overwhelming at times since the world's population is 52% women! Instead of seeing other women as competition try observing women in crowds and finding one beautiful thing about each one of them, especially the ones who seem homely at first glance. With time you will realize that every woman is unique and beautiful, including yourself. A healthy self image comes from seeing the beauty in you, compared to no one but you. Comparing yourself to others will ALWAYS leave you feeling less than ideal, so make the effort not to do it, it's truely futile. Seeing the beauty in others and knowing that you are beatiful, without needing to compare yourself to be sure, will make it alright to recognise that there are many beautiful women in the world and there is no need to fear them. Allow your husband make you feel beautiful, because you are.
(13) Anonymous, February 22, 2005 12:00 AM
Take care of yourself
All of us worry about our appearance. Use this concern in a constructive way...watch your diet, exercise and stay healthy. Pregnancy is temporary and if you are careful, you will be your normal self soon after delivery.
If you have not been a regular exerciser now is probably not the best time to start. If you have, keep it up. Most pregnant women can exercise safely if they were already fit. If you have not been working out, try going for regular walks. Be sure you do not "eat for two" or you will gain too much weight; just be sure you are getting the proper nutrition. If you stay fit, you will feel good about yourself after the baby is born. Then, if you have not already been excercising, start!
If you feel good about yourself, you might worry less. Outward beauty is not the most important thing, but when it is tied to fitness and good health, it is certainly significant!
(12) debbie, February 22, 2005 12:00 AM
pregnant = fat = ugly???
If you look around online or read some books about the man's reactions to his wife's pregnancy, you will find that most often, he finds her MORE attractive and desirable than ever. Part of the reason is that the woman looks at herself and sees fat (read: ugly) and a man looks at her and sees baby... HIS baby, a visible sign to the entire world that she is HIS wife. He feels proud/manly/protective/all sorts of good things. ALso, the woman is going through a lot of hormonal changes which may affect her emotions/self image negatively, while her husband is not. As I said, I found this information through research on the internet... however, my husband brought it up (independantly - with no prompting from me) and repeated everything that I had read. So I guess its realy true.
In terms of jealousy when he looks at other women, I was always insanely jealous when guys I went out with looked at other women, or talked about past relationships... until I met my husband. I feel so secure in the relationship with him that it really doesn't matter if he looks at someone else occasionally. Actually, I feel a little smug, because he is incredibly good looking, and he is married to ME, not the woman he glanced at. When this happens, sometimes I walk a little closer to him, or smile and say, "Yes, but I am yours" (similar to the woman who posted that she tells her husband "She can't come home for tea").
There are a lot of encouraging thoughts and ideas posted here - I hope that the woman who wrote the original questions finds the encouragement she needs.
(11) Basya Perlman, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
Response to Natalie Kehr
Dear Natalie,
> I feel for this young lady and wonder if this insecurity is not more common amongst the
> religious community than amongst the rest of us.
Saying so doesn't make it true. You'd have to prove that. It would be pretty hard to do...especially
since you'd have to prove that religious women aren't just more self-aware and self-honest in this area.
> I know that when I meet most men I don't think of myself in any particular way, but if pressed,
> I would think of myself as a "person". When a have to meet a religious man I become very conscious
> that there are all sorts of taboos he has to observe. I find that I am thinking of myself all the time as a
> "woman", certainly not as a person.
Two points:
1. Why is a woman not a person? Maybe the problem here is your concept of "woman".
2. What you have described here is your own personal response to a situation you neither understand
nor relate to. Using that to judge the effect the situation has on those who understand it and
relate to it is, might I say, presumptuous? And possibly wrong.
> (Strangely, even when I am talking to men who flirt, I don’t get this feeling).
This is merely a desensitization -- you are used to it, thus you don't react to it. That which you
are not used to, you react to more. How might the religious girl react? After all, what you are used
to, she is not. What you are unused to, she is used to. Enough said.
> I resent this sexualisation of normal social interactions,
You call it a "sexualisation" of "normal social interactions" and thus you resent it. Others see it
differently, and thus resent what you take for granted. Open your mind -- there are ways of looking
at things which are not yours. The fact that they are not yours does not automatically make them wrong.
> but, as I live in the secular world it is not a great problem in my life. It obviously is a problem in hers.
I don't think it is obvious at all. She has a specific issue which you are pinning on something which
you don't like and therefore you think is obviously at fault. In truth, it is far from obvious. Especially
since infidelity is likely higher in your idealized secular world than in her world. So she has less to
worry about.
>In addition to trying to enhance her own self esteem she should realise that her problems are the fault of the way Jewish men are taught to regard women.
You state this as absolute truth, as if it emanated from G-d Himself. I think that you have a problem with
your perception of a world you don't understand and you are choosing this forum to spout your dislike. Think again.
(10) Anonymous, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
secular or not
Natalie's comments clearly show she is not from the religious community and thus does not even begin to appreciate the issue discussed in R' Feige's article.
In a (Torah observant) world with much higher sensitivity to the power of gender attractions, and clear guidlines on how one should conduct oneself (i.e. halachah) to prevent undesirable relationships from developing have been a prime force in Jewish continuity over the generations.
Modesty of conduct between the sexes prevents countless social problems, including: infidelity, lack of trust, emphasis on the body, sexism, sexual crimes, adultery and not to mention assimilation.
Women certainly only benefit from these 'boundries' within the Torah-observant community.
Marriage can only thrive when there is committment on both sides - men have their issues - which includes the powerful draw to woman. Halachah in its timeless genius understands the human nature of both genders. The architecture of halacha takes human nature into account in ways that modern psychology is only beginning to agree with.
Unless you are Torah observant and are careful with the laws of modesty between genders (and there are all levels of carefulness in this area in the 'orthodox' community) then you will fail to understand why these restrictions in the big picture are the only absolute way to maintain trust and loyalty in marriage.
(9) sonia, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
fear makes things worse
Don't be afraid of your husband looking at other women. Laugh at it! Make it a private joke! I tell my husband, when he's lloking at a lady, "she can't come home for tea" And we both laugh at it. Men sometimes are "curious" and look at women, but if they feel loved and protected, (yes, just between us, woman protects man more you can imagine) then feel safe, Miss Universe can dance in his eyes, don't worry. Just love him, show it to him, make yourself as pretty as you can, make him feel good, 24 hours a day. It is not simple. It is not Hollywood. But it works.
(8) Sara Kaplan, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
I feel the same way
I am not married, but soon to be... and I DEFINITELY feel this young woman's apprehension. I would describe myself as having a healthy self esteem and I am attractive, yet I always find myself looking at my boyfriend and being upset about his previous girlfriends, or about his remarks on my friends looks. (Esp. since I think that I am more attractive than he is) Why would this upset me? when I discuss this to friends of mine, they tell me I'm crazy. I'm just trying to understand myself. why Would his remarks about anothers looks upset me?? I'm actually trying to figure it out.. any tips?
(7) orah, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
I undrstand...
B'SD
WOW!YOU REMIND ME OF MYSELF WHEN I JUST GOT MARRIED..
THE SAME FEELINGS OF INSECURITY,I ALSO BECAME PREGNANT RIGHT AFTER,& MY HUSBAND IS NOT NECESARY UNAWARE OF THE CREATURES' AROUND HIM...
THE REBBETZIN COMMENT SHOULD HELP YOU TO GET RID OF THAT BAD FEELINGS,(THEY SURELY WON'T HELP YOU IN ANY WAY BUT MAKE YOU FEEL SAD) ,WHEN IN TRUE YOU HAVE TO BE THE HAPPIEST AROUND, & SO YOUR HUSBAND!
you eventually will come back to your regular weight & then you'll feel great.
simply then...
in the meantime try to focus on eating healty foods.
man will look at woman forever,we can't change the world...
even if you look like a model & it is always someone who will turn your husband head around...
call it curiosity or stam,who understands man anyway ja,ja...
the only way to deal with this is to make yourself nice always & especially now..go to the manicure etc..,don't neglect yourself just because you are pregnant,the oposite, be the best you can then i'm sure you'll no longer care about this issue..
but.. don't overdo because then your husband will be writing here about jelousy...!
(6) Anonymous, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
Amazingly said. I truly enjoyed this article even though I'm not married yet.
(5) Anonymous, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
no need to be defensive
Firstly, I found this article very enlightening. I was a little disappointed to read some of the other comments. I do not think Natalie Kehr intended to be rude by her post. I do not think that she deserved the negative comments expressed by some of the other posters. She is obviously searching through aish because she is interested in learning. She is welcomed to her own speculation...There was a time when I would have agreed with what she said... However, I had patient and caring people to teach me otherwise. There is no need to be defensive about her comments. Instead, gently try to explain to her why you disagree.
(4) Anonymous, February 21, 2005 12:00 AM
That's not the cause of marital problems.
Your post suggests that all men are subject to temptation and that any marriage can fail. Statistically that does not seem to be true. Professor Gottman conducted studies of married people and closely analyzed their interaction. He was able to predict with 90% accuracy which couples were likely to divorce or stay together 15 years later. Thus, it was not an evil impulse but inherent problems in the marriage which led to divorce.
The rate of divorce in Jewish religious communities is less. One sees a certain spirituality and commitment to family. If you are interested in your marriage, consider the following:
1. One man said, I don't want my wife to treat me like a king, just treat me as well as your casual acquaintances. There's truth to that, for many women criticize their husbands while they would not do to strangers. You don't make enough money, your decisions were bad, etc. A happy marriage enjoys support so that the husband is happy to come home, and he sees his wife as a support in a tough world, not the person who can point out his failings.
2. As to physical appearances, perceptions vary. Most men understand a woman will gain weight during a pregnancy. Some do not care if she maintains that later, while others do care to some extent. As in many areas, some area of compromise and doing what your partner likes is important, a smart husband may go out on Saturday night, though he might prefer to relax after a long week.
(3) Robert Goldman, February 20, 2005 12:00 AM
A beautifully written truth of our lives
Thank you for articulating this truth, in a world filled with Hevel (Vanities) as KOHELET siad , it is so good to hear solid words . A little light dispells much darkness. Thanks for the light. Robert Goldman
(2) Anonymous, February 20, 2005 12:00 AM
What is inately wrong with man?
Can you explain to me, please, what is inately wrong with the male? Of all crimes committed against humanity, man is most guilty. Of all physical and sexual abuses, man, again, is most guilty. Of all marital infidelities, man is most guilty.
Why is there such an apparent difference in morality and character between males and females? My daughter, who is about to marry, asked me this. I just do not understand how such a vast difference exists in the statistics, and I do not know what to say to her.
Thank you,
J.E.
(1) Natalie Kehr, February 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Society is to blame
I feel for this young lady and wonder if this insecurity is not more common amongst the religious community than amongst the rest of us. I know that when I meet most men I don't think of myself in any particular way, but if pressed, I would think of myself as a "person". When a have to meet a religious man I become very conscious that there are all sorts of taboos he has to observe. I find that I am thinking of myself all the time as a "woman", certainly not as a person. (Strangely, even when I am talking to men who flirt, I don’t get this feeling). I resent this sexualisation of normal social interactions, but, as I live in the secular world it is not a great problem in my life. It obviously is a problem in hers. In addition to trying to enhance her own self esteem she should realise that her problems are the fault of the way Jewish men are taught to regard women.