Dear Rebbetzin,
I know that God loves me and He wants what's best for us all. I know it in my head, but sometimes I don't understand and my heart doesn't want to accept it. I will give you an example:
I come from a severely dysfunctional home. My teachers were basically good, but many of them were very young and inexperienced, and nobody was good enough to fulfill my intense lack of a role model. I was confused and every day at home was filled with suffering. I do not want to trouble you with the exact details of the problems I had to cope with in my childhood. At school I was very quiet, and was usually given a seat in the back corner of the classroom. Although I was happy that I was never reprimanded, I was hardly ever noticed either. School didn't give me the love, attention, and recognition I so desperately craved.
That all changed when I attended seminary where there was one wonderful, loving morah (teacher) that cared enough to make a difference. Through Divine Providence, she heard a little bit about my family situation before the school year started. She was determined to reach me from day one, and slowly, day by day, she did. She made sure to give me lots of attention in class. She would call on me often to teach something to the class, (thank God I am very bright), or she would just say a kind word or compliment to me, quietly, before starting her lesson. Anytime she needed a student to do her a favor or to help her with anything, she assigned me the task, and made me feel so appreciated. She would also make sure to stay in the classroom during lunch, shmooze with us, and let us know that we can ask her any question we want. She would also prepare certain lessons, especially for me, with thoughts she knew would be comforting for me to think about, and insights that would help me cope with whatever challenges I may be struggling with.
Finally, I called her at home, and explained to her everything that was going on in my life. I started speaking to her on the phone very often, and I visited her many times. She and her husband made me feel so at home there, I felt like part of their family.
A few months ago, my beloved morah, the mother I never had, became sick with cancer. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts me to watch my morah suffer. How much it hurts me to see her so weak, in so much pain, so helpless. I am getting married in six weeks and it hurts me that she may not be able to attend my wedding. My family situation makes me equivalent to an orphan (or worse), and I feel like I am now being orphaned for the second time.
My teacher is a tzadekes, a holy woman, like I have never before in my life met. I also know that there are very many evil people on this Earth. I just don't understand. Why should the nicest lady I know have to suffer so deeply? I hope you can give me some insight, as I am finding it very hard to understand.
Thank you for your help.
Love,
In pain and trying to understand.
My dear reader,
As I read your account of heartbreaking events, I am reminded of a story of a little child who didn't come home from school at the usual time. His mother, beside herself with worry, kept looking anxiously down the street for a sign that he was on his way. Finally, he arrived and explained that his delay was due to the fact that he had met another little boy along the road who was crying inconsolably because his bicycle had broken down.
"But you don't know anything about fixing bicycles. How could you have possibly helped him?" his mother asked.
"You're right, Mommy, I couldn't fix his bike. But I sat down next to him and cried along with him, and that did help."
Allow me, first and foremost, to sit down next to you and cry with you. The events you describe are truly tragic and excruciatingly painful.
While many intellectual approaches have been suggested, cogent as they might be, none would assuage your pain.
There are times in life, when even as the grief washes over us and we desperately grope for the answer to our "why" questions, we begin to realize the futility of walking down a path that leads only to more pain and frustration. The greatest of philosophers before us -- Moses, our great teacher among them -- grappled with the questions, unanswerable in our lifetime, of why the righteous suffer and wicked prosper. While many intellectual approaches have been suggested, cogent as they might be, none would assuage your pain. The bottom line is best expressed by the discussion between Sir Bertrand Russell and a cleric. Russell, a philosopher and avowed agnostic, commented that he could not believe in a God in whose world a child cried out in pain. The cleric responded that he could not live in nor believe in a world in which a child cried out in pain and there was no God to justify it.
Clearly, we cannot fully understand the tragedies that confront us, but at the core we are comforted by the intuitive certainty that God does know, that He has a master plan -- that there is purpose and meaning. And that at some future time (hopefully soon in our days) He will choose to shine His light upon our lives and in that illumination all will become clear. In the interim, we have to address the only relevant question there is, namely: How does this speak to me? What does my personal response need to be to this situation?
You write, my dear reader, that you know that God loves you. In light of that realization, I'm sure you can glean that in His great love for you, the Master of the World has dispatched your "morah," your teacher, as an "angel" into your life to be God's personal emissary to embrace you, to let you know that your difficult life is in no way a punishment or a commentary on your worthiness as a human being. Quite the contrary, the message expressed by her appearance in your life is an unmistakable vote of confidence -- a voice from on High to give you strength and tell you that you are beloved, cared for in an ultimate way, and indeed, that there is beauty and goodness in life.
Consider the Torah account of the brothers selling Joseph into bondage, a tragic episode in Jewish history. The narrative informs us that the caravan into which he was sold carried aromatic spices. The commentaries explore the necessity for the Torah sharing what appears to be such trivia in the context of such a horrific event. Could or should Joseph care about what the caravan smelled like when he was experiencing the agony of ultimate betrayal?
Our sages explain that even in our darkest moments, there is evidence of God's love and caring. The conventional foul smelling loads that caravans typically carried at that time were deliberately, through Divine orchestration, replaced with fragrant spices as an indication to Joseph of God's abiding love for him, articulated even in the midst of his darkest hour of rejection and abandonment.
No events in our lives are arbitrary or capricious. They are exquisitely custom tailored and crafted for our mission in life. While it is impossible to wrap our minds around the concept, each of our lives, at any given moment, is "perfect," as it needs to be in the Divine plan and for the destiny that awaits us. Human vision is confined to a very small slice in time. The narrow view that consists of the present alone, without the benefit of the broader scope that would include the past and future, circumscribes our grasp of true reality.
Only God's vantage point, unlimited by constraints of time and space -- and encompassing the needs of both body and spirit -- can render judgments that are consistent with now and all of eternity. In the context of the state of the human condition, we are like the primitive inexperienced individual who is aghast when he observes a person in white wielding a knife, about to remove a limb from the hapless victim lying on a table. More history, information and sophistication are required to understand that with this amputation, the surgeon will in fact save the individual's life.
By reaching out, affirming and validating you, she has renewed your faith in the possibility for goodness in life.
At the end of the day, humility, born of our finite capacity as human beings to encompass the entirety of existence, coupled with the faith that our "doctor" is a loving, devoted and benevolent healer, will enable us to navigate the often trying moments of our life.
We look forward to the time when, as the pieces fall into place, the "perfect" will also be the "ideal." Only in that millennium, with the advent of the messianic era, will the "perfect" and the "ideal" be reconciled. Until that time arrives, we must struggle to look for the lessons and interpretations of what the Master of the Universe might be trying to tell us.
In your case, while in a both "perfect" and "ideal" world, we might have hoped that your teacher would live and be well, she nonetheless leaves you a magnificent and instructive legacy that you dare not ignore. She has been a glowing, shining and heartwarming example of what a difference a person can make in another's life. By reaching out, affirming and validating you, she has renewed your faith in the possibility for goodness in life. Undoubtedly, the energy she has given you will always bear her name. Her imprint on your life is indelible. Her life and the impact she has had on yours is a lesson for you and for all of us as to what really matters.
Indeed, we must all keep our eyes open, ever vigilant, for the opportunity to be God's messenger, His "angel." As an eager student of life, remember my dear reader, that among the unanswerable questions, there are many accessible, beautiful lessons to be gleaned. May God grant you wisdom and insight and bless you with a good and joyful life.
(19) yoalanda, January 22, 2012 1:28 AM
WAKE AND LIVE
My husband died of cancer June 16 2012, it has been a difficult road for me, I never thought I would go through so much pain, my husband was afraid to go to sleep he use to tell all I want is to wake-up and live he will continue to live through me i will keep his spirt alive until we meet again. RIP my beloved husband Gregory
(18) Anonymous, January 7, 2010 12:48 AM
My journey
I just by chance came across your site. I Know there are no coincidences in life. I've been on my own personal journey of discovering who I am and my purpose in life. IMy life has been so incredibly difficult. I've just finished going through my second time with Breast Cancer after losing my job just prior to my getting sick, so I wasn't able to collect on my Long term disability. I was married for 30 years to a man that emotionally abused me and I was just too weak and insecure to leave. During my marriage I was Raped by a total stranger and my husband had me believing for years that I should understand the rapist. I have 2 grown children that are angry that I've been sick and don't have time to be bothered w/ me. I feel very unloved by them and if I'm really honest with myself a little sad and sorry for myself. I'm someone that because I've searched for love and never really found it, I have chosen to do a lot of Social Service activities, altthough not recently since I've been sick. I have always found that reaching out and making a difference in someone's life is what seems to fulfill me. I have been in a relationship w/ someone for 6 years and although he says he loves me and I do believe he's a good person, it is so incredibly difficult. I just wander when I will learn the lessons God is trying to teach me so that now at age 66, I can start experiencing peace and love in my life? I'm very spiritual and was very moved by what I just read by you. I'm always looking for a way to feel closer to God and after reading your message I found it very helpful and insightful. If you have any advice for me, I would be very interested in hearing from you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Vicki
(17) Leah, December 27, 2009 4:48 PM
I need to read your response regularly!
It is so true that we must look for the angels in our lives. i - like most others have faced almost unendurable pains and losses. as i look back, now i do see the angel that were the glimmer of hope that truly helped me survive the moment, the year-the years. thank you helping us try to understand suffering. You must be an Angel!
(16) Anonymous, March 12, 2008 9:18 AM
Freedom
All i know is that only we can free ourselves. Although bad things may happen to us all and they do it all depends on how we approach them and vies the situation. God is neither good or bad he simply has given us free will to select our direction and the person you will or will not be. No use blaming anyone so look within and move on.
(15) Karen, September 7, 2007 10:39 PM
It is too hard to understand
Talking in terms of pain and suffering, I just cannot understand how God can allow children to suffer under the hands of pediphiles. The images described on news about how the kids whine and whimper under attack and no one there to protect them just err me. Where is God? It is nice to sit in the living room to discuss theology, but some people's lives are below animals'. It is too hard to understand what is the purpose of all this destructive suffering. The devil?
If you can help me to get unstuck, I would be a much freer person. Thanks.
Anonymous, April 26, 2013 9:54 AM
Good will overcome evil, according to God's plan.
God is all good and all merciful. But in his love and mercy he allows us free will, so we can be like him, and love him and have a relationship with him. The devil is the author of all evil and certainly is behind many of the evil things that happen in the world, since he hates God and he hates God's people. But every time we choose sin, even little sins, we offend God, and yet he doesn't take away our free will. Instead of asking why he lets bad things happen, maybe we should ask more, why we don't use our free will to be better people? He might choose to depend on us to carry his mercy and goodness to the world. If all of us were better people, followed His will, we might find that evil would lose much of its footing in the world. But also, we can't understand everything in God's plan from our limited human perspective. He can bring good out of even the most evil circumstances, because as strong as evil can be, it can never be as strong as God. He is greater than all. And in the end He will utterly defeat evil. But only He knows how He will do that. He will wipe away every tear and comfort all the suffering.
(14) Arlene, November 20, 2006 5:52 AM
While reading this story, which brought tears to my eyes.I to have and am having similar situations in my life and looking back i can see where the devine presence of G--d's angels have been in my life when i needed someone in a human form but sent by him. I often asked why could these things be allowed-I know that I have been strengthened by many situations and now being older and wiser w/G-d's grace have been able to console others- Thank you, Arlene You truly are a blessing!
(13) Anonymous, November 19, 2006 4:20 AM
thanks
Thank you for the beautiful message from 'angels in our lives'. I have been struggling with seeing one of my angels go through tragedy. I have specifically been struggling with the question of how such a good family --people doing immense chesed and helping in so many ways to bring Hashem into this world -- how could such a thing happen to this family? I asked G-d --why? Why this family of all families -- I don't understand. And then I thought, well -- what chance do the rest of us have when tragedy is happening to the most exceptional and righteous people. I have been struggling with this. And your message today is much needed and it is a reminder to me that we simply cannot see the whole picture. I keep hearing that Hashem is all there is and there is meaning and purpose – and I hope we eventually see that it is all for the good. Thanks for the reminder that Moshe Rabbeinu also wondered why the righteous suffer and the wicked prosper. Thank you
(12) Anonymous, November 19, 2006 4:12 AM
dealing with my own angels
As I read your article, I thought about situations in my own life which were comparable to this one. My comment is that I believe God ends our time with "angels" to remind us that we must deal with people who we may not feel as comfortable with as others, because we must continue to learn in life. If the only people we had to deal with were "angels" and if all of our circumstances in life were perfect, we would not be fulfilling our necessary roles in life. I believe that the difficult situations we face teach us to become more spiritual as we turn to our spiritual Leader (Hashem) for answers. In my own situation, I have recently overcome a personal "tragedy", and I am able to look back at it and understand that Hashem played a role in bringing me back to my religious/spiritual values, and helped me make sense of what happened. I also feel that sometimes, when things become too perfect, we look at our "angels" as "G_ds", and forget that Hashem is the only true Leader; sometimes when things go so well we forget that we need Hashem and that our success' are actually His blessings; we begin to feel that we are in control of our situation, and so "disruptions" of these situations are necessary reminders to us, that obstacles are necessary in life.
(11) Anonymous, November 19, 2006 4:10 AM
Dear Rebbetzin- You have no idea how timely your article was. I too
came from a highly dysfunctional family, and lived in a few foster homes as I
was growing up. I had a similar struggles with rejections, and great
difficulty believing that I was loved by anyone let alone G-d. I still wrestle with feelings of failure and despair- like I am a real disappointment to G-d. I would like to be able to let go of these, and find comfort in the hope
that maybe G-d likes me. I work as a hospice nurse, and really try to show lovingkindness to those I care for. I have always been a 'puppy-dog-like people pleaser'. I am so tired of trying to measure up. I would really
like to believe that G-d loves me just as I am. I am tired of re-inventing
myself in order to be accepted. You talked a lot about 'unanswerable questions', the person who wrote to you sure seemed to have a life in parallel with my own.
Joanne
(10) Joan, November 18, 2006 6:03 PM
Beautiful! Thank you for such a moving response!
To the reader-I understand your pain. I too will spare the details of my painful childhood. My father-in-law, Carlos, became the father that so graciously and generously bestowed fatherly love and compassion upon a not always perfect daughter, Me! In contrast to my birth father, an Ivy League man of social distinction,my father-in-law was a man of limited formal education from a third world country. He passed away after a short six months battle with cancer last Febuary(2006). He graciously allowed me to share the last two months of his life with him. He lived in Chile, SA. I felt that I too was dying as he was slipping away. Then, I realized how really blessed I was to have witnessed the incredible love between my father-in-law and his son(my husband). I never knew such a beautiful thing existed! Seeing that love, sharing it, and living in the midst of it was riches far beyond anything I had ever known !Then I realized how incredibly blessed I had been to be a part of such a beautifully loving relationship between the three of us! My father-in-law was truly my husbands' and mine best friend. Please do not lose a moment at all in your special persons presence. Our beautiful talks and even quiet moments spent together are special little angel treasures that I cherish!! Yes, you will cry and yes, you will feel your heart break into a million pieces over and over again. I am still amazed that I am actually ok(and my husband too)And you too will be ok!!
To Rebbetzin Feigei-Your response to this beautiful person who is losing this very special angel is by far the most powerful message ever that I have heard in response to this special situation. Your thoughtful and caring response left nothing out. Thank you so very much. It made me feel a peace that the person who is experiencing such an incredibly sad time got such wisdom and understanding. This is the very first time ever I feel like people in these painful circumstances have been heard and understood!! Thank you, may your blessings be as generous as your response!!!
(9) RuchaBaumann, November 16, 2006 3:52 PM
Thanks and a bracha
Thank you again to Rebbetzin Feigie for touching my ache and my heart with love. May Hashem bless you to be free of anguish and able to continue helping so many. May we have many Simchos to celebrate. Sincerely, Rucha
(8) MOSHEGEWIRTZ, November 16, 2006 12:19 PM
COMPASSION AND EMPATHY GO A LONG WAY
THE LITTLE BOY WHO CREID ALONG WITH HIS FRIEND OVER A BROKEN BIKE, REALIZING THAT THIS WAS ALL HE COULD DO TO HELP, WAS RIGHT ON THE MARK.
I SPEND SEVERAL HOURS EACH DAY SMOOZING WITH TEENAGE KIDS MANY OF WHOM HAVE HAD SAD AND TROUBLING LIVES. SOMETIMES I CAN OFFER ADVISE. THERE ARE TIMES, HOWEVER, WHEN I CAN ONLY OFFER MY EAR, MY SHOULDER AND MY HEART. I PRAY THAT THIS CAN HELP LIGHTEN THEIR LOAD. IT OFTEN DOES.
(7) julie, November 15, 2006 9:45 PM
thank you!
just a quick, but deep, thank you! we are all connected in knowing the pain of suffering and the joy of hope and divine providence as well. i bless each one who reads this, as well as those who authored it!
(6) Anonymous, November 13, 2006 1:57 PM
I submitted this question
Dear Rebbetzin,
Thank you is not enough. Your reply was really comforting to me. Thank you for your compassion, and for letting me see that there are Angels in my life. So far, my "moreh" is still very sick, and please pray for her. If by God's mercy she gets better, I will certainly let Aish.com readers know. And thank you "Anonymous, 11/12/2006 10:34:00 AM" for your kind comment.
Rebbetzin, you have been another one of my "angels". May God grant you the strengh and health to be an angel to many people, and my we merit Elijahu the angel to notify us of the coming of Moshiach very, very soon.
With hearfelt appreciation,
In pain, but It's okay not to understand
(5) Nechama, November 13, 2006 11:56 AM
Hashem has a special plan for every one. You were born into a very difficult situation and you have come through amazingly - a bright student and a well behaved child. This is an incredible feat on your part. Your sterling character and your abilities will enable you to contribute to society in a most meaningful way, especially because you've known pain and risen above it.
The person you love who is suffering has her own purpose in life and Hashem has his reasons for putting her through this very difficult time. Thank G-d that he sent you such an angel to give you the encouragement you needed at the right time.
Trust Him that He will keep sending you His messengers and give you support forever.
Refuah shleima to your Morah and a wonderful, satisfying life to you.
(4) Anonymous, November 12, 2006 1:31 PM
Thank you
Dear Rebbetzin,
Today is my dad's Yahrzeit. A day has not gone by, in 14 years, I haven't asked myself the qustion. I left the shul and turned my back on my people, truly believing I was living a hoax. Next week will be the first Yahrzeit of my son. Dad was a Tzadeke, my son was not. But he was an angel of sorts because he brought me back to shul and found the comfort only my people could provide. I've begun studying Torah on my own and when I retire from teaching next year, I hope to begin my new "career" as an angel to try ad bring comfort to the suffering, with the lord's help and inspiration like yours.
B'shalom
(3) Anonymous, November 12, 2006 10:34 AM
Sweetie, your letter made me cry. I find it so inspiring that despite all the suffering you have endured, you still "know in your head" that G-d loves you, and are seeking to bring this knowledge to your heart. You sound like a truly special young woman, and I wish you ONLY simchos. Mazal tov on your upcoming wedding!
(2) phoebeFillis, November 12, 2006 10:18 AM
Why the Holocaust allowed???
Dear, dear rabbi, do you know why the Holocaust was allowed by God...such a grand scale teaching...it has turned many away from believing in God...why???To what purpose such atrocities???
(1) Anonymous, November 12, 2006 6:48 AM
Ah!
Lovely. Just lovely. Thanks.