Dear Rebbetzin Feige,
My 80-year-old mother recently had a stroke and being an only child, I've had to travel cross-country to care for her in her home. She and I have had quite a few issues about this and her willingness to continue to care for herself. I have two close friends in similar situations and given the state of modern medical care along with the economy, this is a situation many must face as caregiver and recipient.
I would love to learn your thoughts.
Thanks,
Russel B.
Dear reader,
The phenomenon of both aging and the caring of the elderly in our culture is a very challenging one. In the past, in a Jewish world governed by the traditions of Torah, the elderly were our most venerated and prized population. When seeking wisdom and guidance, the verse in the Torah advises: "Ask your fathers and they will tell you and your elders, and they will inform you." Those advanced in years were respected for their life's experience. They were considered a most valued resource, held in high esteem and cared for accordingly.
Today, we live in a society that worships youth. The greatest compliment you could give someone is "you don't look your age." The wrinkled face and weathered body that unforgivingly reflects years of enduring life's trials and tribulations has ceased to be a badge of honor in our time. Advanced age marks us as increasingly superfluous.
Moreover, today's nuclear family, already stressed by the demands of maintaining the American standard of living which requires two incomes, leaves precious little energy -- financial or emotional -- to embrace an elderly parent.
Understandably, in this context, an elderly parent will, perforce, feel very vulnerable. Their perception will be one of having outlived their usefulness. Not only are they not productive or contributing members of a society that has declared them past their prime, but now they have to confront the terrible possibility of becoming a burden to their children.
There is always lurking in the background the terror of aging, of being abandoned, of being alone and helpless.
Recognizing this sociological context can help the reader be more sensitive in his conversations and interactions with his elderly mother. Aside from his mother's individual personality and issues, there is always lurking in the background the terror of aging, of being abandoned, of being alone and helpless.
Dear reader, ideally speaking, it would be best for your mother to be close to you so that you can check up on her more frequently. If possible, and if she is willing, relocating her to an independent or assisted living facility in closer proximity to yourself might be more practical than your current situation that necessitates constant travel on your part. If that's not possible, a last resort would be delegating responsibility and making accommodations for her care in your absence along with your periodic visits.
Life is always about very delicate balances. Responsibilities have to be sorted out and priorities established. Perhaps an objective party who has good traditional values and understands your personal circumstances might be enlisted to help you decide what's reasonable and doable in your situation. Elderly parents can be very demanding, stubborn and, at times, unreasonable. Acquiescence to their needs on one hand and the cost it would exact -- impact on job, wife, children -- on the other would be the relevant issues to address. How much is enough? How much is too much? You want your decisions to be driven not by guilt feelings but by what is right and moral.
Alas, even the greatest technological era of all times has not conferred upon us the wherewithal to be in two places at once. Choices, and at times painful ones, have to be made. Consulting a rabbinic authority who is well versed in these issues can be extremely helpful. He would help you determine a hierarchy of responsibilities and how they stack up in the given situation.
I lived a thousand miles from my parents. I often found myself part of the sandwich generation -- elderly parents on one end, husband, youngsters and eventually married children in the middle and at the other end of the spectrum. Conflicted and frustrated in my desire to please everyone, and knowing it was impossible, I consulted a Torah authority. In the instance where my daughter came home to have her first baby and my father needed me to come to Florida and break the news of her brother's death to my mother, the ruling was that honoring my father's wishes took precedence. The fact that I didn't operate by 'the seat of my pants', but rather deferred to a wisdom beyond my own, gave me clarity, requisite peace of mind and relief from the second-guessing game I would have tortured myself with.
Remember that regardless of the logistical arrangements that you can reasonably make for your mother -- ones that will in all likelihood not be totally pleasing to your needs or hers, there is the overriding issue of attitude. The Talmud presents two contrasting situations. The first is one of a son who puts his elderly father to arduous labor at a mill and nevertheless was judged to be in compliance with the honor one must accord a parent. The second son served his parent culinary delicacies, but was still considered in violation of his responsibilities to his parent.
The Talmud explains that the circumstances of the former was that it was a time of war and the job at the mill spared his father induction into the army and thus was to his father's benefit. In the latter case, however, while to all appearances it seemed that serving his father delicious food was an expression of honor and love, the affect and attitude of the son toward his parent was one of resentment and impatience, and as such negated any benefit his father would have received.
In Yiddish the expression is, 'like the good cow who gives its milk and then knocks it over with a kick of the leg.' The presenting behavior needs to be accompanied by a kindly rapport if it is to meet the Torah standard of honoring one's parent. Given the often intractable and sometimes obnoxious stance of an elderly parent, where they dig in their heels with unreasonable demands, maintaining one's healthy equilibrium can be a daunting challenge. But again, we need to be mindful of the fact that aging, with its concomitant loss of health and faculties, is unsettling and at times excruciatingly painful. Under these circumstances, offspring should be able to get that 'it's not about them.' They should not take things personally. It's about extending charity, both in judgment and behavior, to a person, albeit a parent who is in great emotional turmoil and need.
Charity does, indeed, begin at home. And it isn't easy. Parents know better than anyone else what buttons to push to drive us over the edge. The 'it's not about me' mantra can be enormously helpful.
No one can be told too many times that they are loved. That is certainly the case for parents in the sunset years of their life.
Dear reader, in light of the above, effective communication would take the form of constant affirmations of love to your mother. Tell her consistently how much you care about her and how much you appreciate everything she has done for you. Recall and revisit with her memories of the past, moments of tenderness, when she was there for you. Share whenever possible, no matter how difficult or tense the situation, your feelings of gratitude for all she has given you in your life. Affirm and validate.
It is said that no one can be told too many times that they are loved. That is certainly the case for parents in the sunset years of their life. Additionally, realize that no matter how difficult and 'burdensome' parents may become, they are exclusively (with the exception of pathological relationships) the only source of unconditional love for us. In a sense, it is payback time. Be assured that in retrospect you will be comforted and proud of the energy and time expended on a parent's behalf. Nobody and nothing will ever be able to take that away from you. The knowledge of having, to the best of our ability, appropriately honored our parents accompanies and warms us forever.
Do the best you can and may God bless you.
(16) frida, August 3, 2012 8:34 AM
thank you for article
thank you very much for your article. Itis exactly what I need to read when I am tired and I lose patience, so to keep in mind who my mother is and how important it is to have patience with her and respect her. She simply is my mother and a human being. frida
(15) Anonymous, April 25, 2012 2:08 AM
Thank you for the valuable information and heartful advice. My mother will soon be 87 and is holding on for dear life to all that she can, which sometimes leads to frustration and exasperation for us both. God bless you for reaching out to us all with your wisdom and humor.
(14) Anonymous, November 1, 2010 7:50 AM
Thank you ... I needed to read the advise
(13) Christine, April 18, 2010 6:31 PM
My Mom is 85.
Mom's sisters decided to come here to see her. I am elated and grateful, especially for your column. Caring for Mom is somewhat lonely. Here I can share my feelings and Mom too! Thank you all and Blessings on your day!
(12) Christine, February 6, 2010 7:23 PM
I brought Mom home to live with me and hubby.
24/7 is hard, lonely and family members don't get it. Mom is 84, her sis is 81 and another is 68. 68 yo wants to come and help us to Nebr for visit. My thought, if she is willing to come, she should bring 81 yo and we could visit here! Don't you think that would be wiser? Travel would be so hard at this time in both our lives. ps I love Mom
(11) Angi, April 8, 2009 8:47 PM
Caring for Mother
I have recently had to take my mother into our home and it is hard. Being disabled at the age of 56, I have a husband and three small children at home. What a toll it takes. My children help out a lot. My mother and I have fought one another our entire lives, now that she is disabled, it's like a lifetime full of regrets don't matter anymore. But there are days, that I wish that I could just run away and never come home. How do you deal with that?
(10) Anonymous, August 31, 2008 8:20 AM
TAKE IT AS IT COMES
My mother,aleyha hashalom, was nifteret,suddenlly at an early age. My father, zt"l, was quite a bit older and we worried about his living alone. The youngest of the nine children had recently moved into a yeshiva dormintory and the house was empty. Although he was quite capable of going to and from his shiurim, cooking and housekeeping were a bit much for him at the age of 80 . The children tried to be there to help out as much as possible. Two years after my mother's a"h petira, my father suffered a heart attack. when he was about to be released from the hospital he was adamant that he wanted to go back home - alone. I insisted that he come to recuperate at my house. I told him that the doctor would not allow him to go to his own home alone(this was not the doctor's opinion),he agreed, just until he would regain his strength. Six months later he announced that he was going home. He had seemed so well adjusted it came to us as a surprise. He went by bus to visit his apartment the first time in six months. I felt a mixture of worry and rejection. Several hours later my father,a"h, returned home, and with great trepidation said, "If you will still have me, I would like to stay with you. I saw today that I just can't go back to the apartment." We were elated. An additional seven years were spent living with us, watching my children grow and see the first few marry. From our end, my children gained a tremendous amount from living with their Zayde. Was it always easy? Not at all. Especially being tested day and night with honoring your father . In my formative years, my father was rarely home,always running to fulfill some aspect of his position as a rabbi. Those seven and a half years gave me a chance to forge a unique relationship with my father, something that I cherish every day of my life. As our house emptied out and my father became much less mobile and almost house bound he moved across the street to live with my younger brother and sister-in-law. Their house was always filled with action and people, something my father thrived on. He stayed there until he was hospitalized by a stroke. His children, their spouses and some of the older grandchildren took turns staying with him, for six months he was unconscious, for six months we davened and spoke our hearts out to him. There is no substitute for a parent, the more love you give the more you have to cherish. Not everyone is capable perhaps, not every parent/child relationship is the same. But,when a parent is no longer among the living one cannot repair, strenthen or forge a relationship which should be there to guide and comfort us through our years on this earthly sojourn.
(9) Ric, July 9, 2008 12:47 PM
Realization
I am 49 and have both my parents (feel very fortunate) the issue of there aging and how deal with it is very much on the forefront of my thoughts these days. Balancing doing for them and coaching them to do for themselves seems like a nevr ending task. I hope to be doing the right thing while trying to address issues which maybe should have ben addressed in the past but which I feel for my own well being I need to air now. Living as a communicative family constantly having trial and tribulations is the only way I know to proceed.......I only hope to be as ehre for them as they have and are for me. With love and compassion I hope to live on. Cheers, Godbless and faith.......
(8) Anonymous, April 8, 2008 2:26 AM
yes what a priviledge it is to have to care for our aging parents
my father came to live with me at 72 till 85 when he died blessed be his memory and what a difference it made to out whole family of 8children and 20 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren they got to know hom really know him and he loved it felt loved and thre family history that came up in casual conversation was so precious
i woudnt have missed it our lives were not on ''hold ;as some of our friends thought just made richer for the experience
evry one has a spare room and hopefully spare places in there hearts and it is so good to break that old ;;independant spirit we can have i looked at it this waay my parents did the mover over for us now it was our turn
its great try it
SHALOM
(7) annie lass, April 2, 2008 5:33 PM
caring for ageing mother
My darling Mother passed away 3 years ago. Tender memories of moments spent together in the nursing home still warm me, but I am ridden with guilt over other situations where things were difficult between us, and I did not show the tolerance and sensitivity I should have done, and my Mother must have felt very lonely and abandoned at such times. It is too late to put this right. I cry.
(6) RABBI AL, April 2, 2008 1:02 PM
RESPECTING YOUR PARENTS
All I know, is that, when you were sick, they were their for you, and you should be for them now, more than ever. For me, if not for special people such as Dr. Sidney Tessler, Rabbi Herbst, and others, I could NOT do what I do now, and that is help out older people, just like I helped out my parents, by talking with them, eating with them, making them laugh, because they have a world of knowledge but really no one has the time to listen, busy doing things, for their own family. For me, I take the time to speak to them, for me it makes me into a stronger person, and for them, they feel better that they let it out, what was bothering them.
All I say, is that you might not have another opportunity to do this, it could be a once in a lifetime, and before you know it, it will be TOO late.
I hope this will help out at least one person.
I myself is an expert on this field, taking care of my parents for 20+ years, even my own rebbeim did not get the picture of how to respect your parent, I got chewed out, yelled at, and even with my father in a wheelchair on the street, they still had the nerve to tell me how I should show respect to my parents.
Just remember the good times,simchas, pictures, remind them as well.
Zg and kt. Simchas.
(5) Rachel, March 31, 2008 11:16 PM
Stroke survivors have special needs
Regarding the writer of the question, he indicated his mother is a stroke survivor. While all the halachic advice given in the answer is wonderful (and applies to a wider range of situations), anyone who is a caregiver to a stroke survivor needs to understand that a stroke is a brain event and can result in psychological and personality changes (among other things) that are the result of brain damage -- a survivor may be no more responsible for being difficult than she would be if she'd received a traumatic injury. Just as she may be unable to walk, speak, read, or whatever, she may also seem obnoxious. And just as you wouldn't blame someone who is unable to walk for refusing to get out of the chair and help you, you cannot blame a stroke survivor for the neuropsychological impact.
The American Heart Association has a sub-group called the American Stroke Association. They have a very useful website and magazine.
I would also suggest that this son find out about a support group for caregivers. Understanding what a survivor is experiencing can help to lessen the tension.
(4) JJ, March 30, 2008 11:44 AM
something to think about
I was part of taking care of my aging mother and my identical triplet sister when they were ill and dying. Something to think about is that the anger and stubborness that you see displayed is because they have lost so much control that they grasp for anything that they can still control. My mother wanted me to make her a cake one day, she wanted me to use her mixer instead of mixing by hand and grease the pan the exact way etc. I couldn't do it and told her to go into the other room or do it herself. I am not my mother but in her eyes, she wanted to be the one making the cake so she wanted me to be her for that few minutes. Once we realize that when someone can't do things for themselves any longer and get to be demanding it's because of their frustration at not being able to control what they controlled in the past. From that time on I allowed my mom and my sister to make all the decisons they were capable of making, they have that right, and we as care givers have no right to tell them no. Our job is to make sure they are comfortable and as happy as can be expected.
(3) Anonymous, March 30, 2008 11:10 AM
each is an individual
It can't be stressed enough that each elderly person is an individual requiring different things and desiring different things --- and sometimes different things at different times, only hours apart. And each caregiver is an individual who can give only in certain ways and amounts, no matter the need or desire. So, what to do? Keep remembering -- HaShem only gives us tests and trials that we can handle. But no one promised it would be easy.
(2) RABBI AL, March 30, 2008 10:46 AM
I can understand
I can understand, being an only son, handling issues but not just for my Mother but also for my Father. I took care of them for close to 20 years. I even made a prmose to them, that I would NOT put them into a nursing home. First, she needs to speak to someone to eventually let out the anger that will come from this. She needs to find friends who are in the medical profession to help find her mother the best Drs., hospitals, and other stuff. If she become elderly enough that she CAN'T her own decision, then you will to speak to a lawyer about Elder law, and MOST important let your Rav, know about this, he can help too, speak to you, your husband, and even your mother too. Bring in as many friends into the situation, so they can help out, when you need tham in a moments notice.
I am a patient representative for a major hospital and also a patient representative for MY shul as well. Each day, I talk to the elderly people from my shul, because since my parents were elderly, I was able to talk to them for hours, and I have a gift, and since I have time to spare, i go to people's homes and just talk to them, play games with them, but MOST important, they let out what is bothering them to me, and I know that they feel better. When I leave, I would call the children, and let them know what is going on.
Tell her, this will make her into a STRONGER person, and that also, she can help out others G-D forbit, in this situation.
Good luck and take care. If you need any help from me. My name is RABBI AL. My email address is decarojojo@hotmail.com. I work for a major hospital in Brooklyn.
(1) Aviva, March 30, 2008 9:05 AM
Warning: Plan Ahead Financially
My parents are both in their eighties, and both unwell. My mother needs 24/7 care and my father is her sole caretaker nights and weekends. They currently have a weekday caregiver, but they are in the second year of their two year long-term care insurance -- after that, I don't know how long they can afford to hire help. MONEY is the #1 issue. Lack of money prevents us from getting mom 24/7 care, dialysis transportation, or a nurse caretaker licensed to give her insulin & meds. Lack of money prevents us from moving to them, or moving them to one of us (if they were willing, which they are not). Money would allow us to get amplified phones, back-up travel oxygen tanks, and the safety equipment needed in the home now. Money would allow us to remodel the home to accommodate and pay for a live-in caretaker. Money would allow those living far away to visit frequently. We are four middle-aged children (one out of the country, one out of state, and two within an hour's drive), and none of us are in a position financially to provide our parents with the physical help they need -- moral, ethical, or religious considerations aside. I'm the only Torah-observant child, and even if I gave up my frum life, moved out of my community, and moved in with them, I don't have power of attorney to make the decisions that need to be made, and I'm the least well-suited by personality, emotional make-up, and relationship to my parents, to be helpful to them. And even though my father is doing his best, he is making some poor care decisions for my mother, and there's nothing we kids can do short of declaring him incompetent (which he is not) and THEN we would still be faced with figuring out how to afford to provide mom with the care she needs. MONEY would solve a lot of practical, logistical problems. So although I have no idea how we are all going to muddle through this difficult time in our parents' lives, I can at least give this advice to others: instead of saving money for vacations or extras, plan ahead financially so that when your parents need help, you will be in a position to live in integrity with your Torah values and give back to your parents the care they need, to repay them for the years of care they gave to you.