Dear Rebbetzin Twerski,
I am newly married and I am struggling with what my role is as a Jewish wife. What are the main goals I should be focusing on? Daniella
Dear Daniella,
Please consider the following points as a representation of what it takes to build a Jewish home.
For starters, let us define intimacy from a Jewish perspective. "And Adam knew his wife" (Genesis 4:1). This does not refer to carnal knowledge alone, but encompasses the necessity to thoroughly understand each other in a holistic way -- each other's needs, dreams, aspirations and yes, each other's shortcomings and deficiencies. It is only in the context of knowledge that one can lay the foundation for true intimacy which emerges in a feeling called trust.
Intimacy can only occur when each spouse is committed to the well-being of the other, dedicated to bring the other's physical, emotional and spiritual potential to fruition. Hence, the groundwork for intimacy is knowledge, followed by trust and manifested by commitment.
To bring the theoretical into practice, consider the following suggestions:
- Start with a discussion where husband and wife explore and share their goals and ideals. What would they like to see in their home, and how do they envision making it happen? What is negotiable and what is "written in stone"?
- A couple should share and articulate what they need from each other. We always remind couples in counseling that while they are united in marriage under the wedding canopy, conferral of prophecy is not part of the deal. The greatest love does not endow a man or a woman the ability to climb into the other's heart and mind to apprehend their every thought and desire. We need to spell it out clearly and thereby avert the hurt, resentment, frustrations and bad feeling that result from disappointed expectations.
The most ubiquitous and erroneous assertion I've heard is "if he or she truly loved me they would know what I need without my having to say it with so many words." It has been my experience that people (men especially -- a little chauvinistic bias) need very specific and detailed instructions about what a spouse would like. Men and women are different, and it is imperative for every couple to understand that projecting their thinking and feelings on to the other will lead to invalid conclusions and unnecessary grief. In the absence of an appreciation for gender differences, personal affront is perceived where none exists, (i.e. "This isn't what I would have thought, or done -- how could you?!"). Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, get a clear picture of what their spouse is really thinking.
- One of the most critical building blocks of the Jewish home is that husband and wife have to be each other's first priority. This point needs great emphasis because we live in a "child oriented" generation that is obsessed and confused by focus on their offspring, i.e. endless after school activities, car-pooling to ballet, martial arts, tennis, baseball or soccer practice etc. Clearly, children are a blessing and a responsibility that we don't take lightly. Nonetheless, Torah values exhort us to make husband and wife the centerpiece of the home. Children's needs must defer to that of the parents.
Husband and wife have to be each other's first priority.
My siblings and I grew up with my mother's (of blessed memory) constant refrain of "I'll take care of you as soon as I give Daddy what he needs." We may had to wait for our needs to be met, but we were paradoxically free of resentment and felt our mother's attitude was right. It gave us, as psychologists have confirmed, a great sense of security by living in a safe space with solid custodians who were committed to each other and, by logical extension, we knew who'd be there for us as well.
Maimonides, a 12th century philosopher, physician and noted codifier of Jewish law, outlines the responsibility of husband and wife to each other in the committed Torah life. His exhortations reflect a keen insight into the psyche of both men and women. He notes that the male ego requires first and foremost respect -- to be looked up to and admired. The female, on the other hand, primarily needs -- though not exclusively -- to be loved and cherished.
A most powerful expression of respect towards a husband is to let him know that he comes first no matter what. Manifestations of putting your spouse first would be:
- Cooking his favorite dish (at least on occasion).
- Dropping everything and rallying the troops to the front door to give Daddy an enthusiastic welcome when he comes home from work.
- Mommy and Daddy consulting each other and asking for permission before going somewhere "Is it okay for me to go?"
- Getting off the phone when one or the other walks into the house. "Hey, my spouse just walked in, I have to go. I'll call you later."
- Looking good in the presence of one's spouse. Unfortunately, we have it backwards. When we leave the house to interact with strangers we are dressed to the hilt, whereas with our spouse we take the liberty of being "as is." Looking good is an expression of respect to the most significant person in our life.
- Catch your spouse doing something right. People are inclined, especially with those closest to us, to find fault and to be critical. We are quick to comment on what is not right. Infractions, departures and disappointing behaviors become the primary focus. A paradigm shift is needed. We should maintain a watchful eye dedicated to finding the positive (difficult as it may be at times).
- The intimate relationship between husband and wife must be a non-negotiable priority. To a man, a wife's interest is the supreme expression of respect. To a wife it is a confirmation or her being loved and cherished. Conversely, and in either case, denial of intimacy is the ultimate rejection. The intimate relationship has suffered in our frenzied times.
Mark Twain once commented that a single compliment kept him going for two months. Positive feedback not only supports and boosts the respect and love factor, but is also a great motivator for future behaviors. One is loathe to disappoint a person who notices and appreciates their efforts.
The intimate relationship between husband and wife must be a non-negotiable priority.
The common excuse is exhaustion. This covers the entire spectrum -- from couples who have hectic and demanding schedules in the work world, to mothers of young children who want nothing more than to collapse at the end of the day. They are physically, mentally, and emotionally too drained to invest the time and energy in physical intimacy. This has seriously compromised marriages. As one woman quipped, "My grandmother used to say: if intimacy leaves the marriage it will go somewhere else."
One needs to view intimacy as no less than the long awaited appointment with the president, a dignitary, or CEO of the company. We would never consider postponement or cancellation. It would be on top of our list and we would bend over backwards to make all the necessary adjustments and accommodations.
Having said that, exhaustion is a real issue. One needs to apply ingenuity, creativity and a great deal of planning ahead. Solutions might include a babysitter for mom during the day to give her a respite. Dad might consider curbing his work schedule and community activities etc. The bottom line is that important things in life should not be at the mercy of the lesser things.
Finally, in a book entitled "One Hour to Live One Hour to Love" the wife of Richard Carlson shares her very poignant story. Her husband, a noted writer of many worthwhile books (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, You Can Feel Good Again), died of an aneurysm while on a lecture tour. He was 45 years old. His wife was understandably shocked and grief stricken to the core. In her wonderful little book, she shares what they meant to each other and concludes by posing a most critical question: If we had one hour to live and one hour to love -- with whom would we want to spend it -- the office -- the peripheral busy work that is so demanding and consumes so much of our time? Unquestionably we all know that our loved ones would take precedence over all else -- and if that is the case, she asks, why wait?
In conclusion, dear reader, conventional wisdom has proven that it is not so much about marrying the right person as being the right person. A corollary to this truism is that we need to model the behavior that we want to see in the other.
May God bless you, give you a long and happy married life and crown your efforts with success.
(22) Belinda, April 30, 2012 3:16 AM
this should be read by all before marriage
My mother taught me "Dont expect to change a man, unless he's in diapers" And i do my best to accept my boyfriend as is. And its not easy, but what I do find that helps is telling him when something he says or does bothers me. Now some things he can change others he cant. But at least he now, has an idea why I might be annoyed with him. And that is big pet peeve of mine, when women tell their men "I'm mad at you" but wont tell them why or reply "you should know why"
YehudahL, November 21, 2013 7:23 AM
Belinda - try this...
Belinda - try telling him constantly what you like and appreciate from him, instead of moaning at him. Give him a list of positives, and add to the list regularly. Otherwise, you'll drive him away. He will identify you with moaning, carping, complaining, criticisng. Your mother's comment was not helpful. Work on your own attitude and make it positive. Then you'll see the changes in him..
(21) Rachel, May 16, 2011 11:29 PM
Thank you!
This was very helpful! I can remember time and time again, when my mother would tell us the same thing: "No until your father is served". As I approach my own wedding, I am thankful that G-d gave me the mother He did who raised us to honor and obey our husband. I pray everyday I can be a good wife for my husband and treat him with the respect he deserves.
(20) Anonymous, October 20, 2010 12:20 PM
Thank you for your lovely words
Thanks for your clear and practical writing! It is very inspiring and motivating... the final story (no pun intended) does put the unpicked up socks and neglected egos in perspective.
(19) Lillie, September 20, 2010 12:14 AM
Wonderful article
This gave me good insight to see that instead of trying to "fix " him I should remember to be who and what I am supposd to be.
(18) Lewis Brinin, March 3, 2009 9:27 AM
Thank you for writing about marriage
bs'd I want to learn what makes a good husband/father and hoping someday I might meet my bashert. I am 57 and hoping its not too late for me
Rebbetzin Jill, November 27, 2011 3:29 PM
please contact me -- perhaps I know your bashert :)
Please email me at yaalaschen@yahoo.com and tell me about yourself and what kind of woman you are looking for. I know a woman in her early 50's who has a heart of gold and is also looking to meet her bashert. I am her rebbetzin. Best wishes!
(17) Cheryl, September 17, 2008 11:58 AM
A great wake up call
I enjoyed this article...even after 37 years of being with the right person!
(16) Eve, August 28, 2008 10:56 AM
Excellent.
Thanks for the excellent article, it has given me food for thought.
(15) Anonymous, August 28, 2008 9:49 AM
I MISS A LOT...
I Miss a lot how to be with my special other half - so engross of daily activities that we forgot the reason we go unto a relationship...thank you for the suggestions..a wake up call
(14) shells, August 27, 2008 4:45 AM
thank YOU
awesome peice and one I pray will be shared with the World as a lesson for us all... Family... is I feel what holds us united and together ... and always I humbly feel the Husband is the preacher and the Wife the teacher... in the knowledge that I humbly anyhows... when I can do no more... want to go back to my Husband and be looked after... allowing Him ultimately to be 'in control' :) shalom x
(13) Anonymous, August 26, 2008 8:35 AM
nice thoughts in the beginning
Dear Rebbetzin, Your recommendations are fine for the beginning of a marriage as well as for those couples who are generally going in the same direction in life. What if a couple has been married for over ten years, have children, and the husband want to change his religious environment. The change is not shared by his wife. The change requires the family to move to a different town and the children will have to change schools The husband is not respecting or supporting his wife's position. He is trying to force the rest of the family to his will. What then?
(12) Anonymous, August 25, 2008 2:16 PM
Agree with you!
Definitely wonderful advice. The only thing I would add is that both partners need to work at being worthy of each other's respect. That does not come automatically!
(11) Anonymous, August 25, 2008 11:27 AM
Rebbetzin, your wisdomj continues...
Having read many articles on this topic your warmth and sensitivity help us to believe we can live up to these suggestions. As usual, you are an inspiration to me.Kol HaKovod
(10) Marla A., August 24, 2008 11:48 PM
OH What Beautiful Memories!
Thank you so much for your wonderful way of articulating-as I was reading, it brought back the wonderful memories of countless expressions of love shown by my parents for each other-how they cherished and respected each other and took pleasure in caring for each other-evry holiday was a "big deal"-THeirs was a "full-service" marriage"- contained the whole range of emotion- but the context was always love for each other--and I am so greatful that they expressed that freely....Your wisdom is wonderful! Continued Mazel!
(9) charlie salem, August 24, 2008 6:14 PM
all correct but what if that respect by the wife is gone
Totally right.
But what happens if circumstances have gotten things to the point that that respect required is gone and it all becomes a one sided affair.
Who will convince the wife of her part in the relationship if her fingers are in her ears blocking out any sound you make...why...because her respect for you has rightly *or* wrongly gone.*or* worse still it was based on very non jewish values! Yes women are different to men but what if that if we are not talking about Venus and Mars but another Galaxy. Should some other more religious figure intervene?
When is it ever time to let go *or* is the test to keep fighting on regardless?
(8) peter kraynik, August 24, 2008 10:58 AM
How true it is
Rebbetzin Twerski, Your article has so much wisdom. If only it was read and understood by couples Before and after marriage. It can help prevent problems, and cure others. Please keep the articles comming! We all need a wake up call now and then.
(7) Eben, August 24, 2008 9:35 AM
Inspired Article
One of the best articles I have read in a while. All points mentioned are valid and backed up by The Holy Scriptures. If all people could read this article, the divorce rate in the world would definately decrease. Well done!
(6) Diane, August 24, 2008 8:43 AM
Thank you
Thank you for a beautifully articulated article on points I "knew" at some level but sometimes failed to walk in because I never thought them out. I am forwarding this to my daughter, and thank you in advance for the many blessings to my son-in-law, grand-daughter and daughter that are to come! I pray a hundredfold blessing on you for your wisdom and faithfulness
(5) Anonymous, August 24, 2008 8:43 AM
She just got married and NOW she's confused about her role as a wife? Shouldn't she have found that out before??
(4) Anonymous, August 24, 2008 8:11 AM
refreshing
As a physician who has watched my patients marriages for the last 28 years ( as well as my own) I definitely agree with the "primary relationship' being between husband and wife. Far too often couples overfocus on the children to the exclusion of the relationship and their own well being. The children develop an overblown sense of their own importance which injures their ability to form good relationships, and the marriage suffers - and sometimes dies. Although it is difficult to move one's focus (don't we all love our children beyond reason?) it is necessary and healthy. And I was so glad to see a version of the advice my grandmother gave me on my wedding day - and that I've repeated too many times to count both to patients and family, over the years, -" nobody reads minds - tell him what you want."
(3) Anonymous, August 24, 2008 6:13 AM
wake up to the 21st century!
Although many of the points you made were valid and interesting, your antiquated version of homelife really put me off. Most of the women I know are not "busy housewives" who greet their husbands when they get back from work. We ALL work outside the home these days! I say, let my husband cook ME my favorite dinner once a week. As far as Mom organizing a daytime babysitter and Dad curtailing his community activities - that scenario - it is just sooooo out of date. Sorry!
Anonymous, April 21, 2013 4:08 PM
I agree-it's 2013, things are different now
We both work and my husband comes home at 11 p.m. or later. I'm in bed sleeping since I have to get up at 5. He cooks a lot of the Shabbos meal since he is home Friday. However, I agree with the looking good for your spouse part. The rest, though, is not realistic for me. I tried the "my husband came home" part when I was on the phone one time and he was offended- I didn't need to get off the phone.
(2) Avi, August 24, 2008 3:58 AM
Communicate or Deteriorate
It is so true! If there is a complete breakdown of mutual respect, and of intimacy, the marriage will not last. Intimacy is the prime "contract" of a solid marriage. NEVER stonewall, NEVER deny access to each others hearts and there is a great chance of a long and happy marriage. Avi www.husbandabuseblog.com
(1) Anonymous, August 23, 2008 5:02 PM
Excellent article
Many good points - particularly appreciated the one that the commitment to relationship between husband and wife should be the #1 priority, even above commitment to raising children - there is even a psychological benefit to children int that. Thank you.