Dear Ms. Rebbetzin Feige,
I had had a wonderful relationship with my in-laws for two years until the birth of my first child. Suddenly my mother-in-law turned very malicious, and now my son is 8 years old, and I'm fed up with her untrue snide remarks, unasked for advice and downright rude behavior when she visits (like screaming at me, of course only when her son isn't present).
I feel I should confront her with my husband when these things come up, of course with the preamble, "Mama, I know that you are trying to help. And we really do appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we would really appreciate if you..."
My husband tells me, "That won't work. She's not going to change. Just ignore it and lighten up." But after eight years of this verbal abuse, I can't.
She makes me so worked up that I don't sleep for days and I am in tears. That's when my husband starts to feel that he needs to do something about her boundary issue. But of course, she always convinces him that I have taken all she said all wrong and how she is the poor victim of misunderstanding.
This way of interacting just isn't healthy. I can't stand losing sleep or crying because I feel so sad and helpless. I often wish I were dead. And then in the morning, I have to be all happy and smiles and take care of the kids like everything is just perfect. (Don't worry: I know that I would never commit suicide until after my children are grown and no longer need me, because I know that they do need me a lot, so I can't afford to die.)
It is just so insane. I know that I probably should never have gotten married. But now that I have, what should I do? Thank you. I would appreciate your balanced answer.
TS (in a lot of emotional pain)
My dear reader,
A great rabbi was nearing the end of his life. His parting comment and insight to his surrounding family and disciples was that he had started out his life idealistic and enthusiastic; fully expecting he would change the world. As he matured and became more realistic, he perforce adjusted his dreams -- first, to reform only his country, then his city, his community, his family. Now finally on his deathbed, he confessed that if he left this existence really having made the requisite corrections and changes in his own life, he would consider it a huge achievement.
Changing others, my dear reader, is a futile attempt fraught with dashed hopes and great disappointments. You are setting yourself up for exactly what you are getting. Your repeated attempts to figure your mother-in-law out and gain her approval are pointless. Her reactions are not rational, so no amount of mental agonizing will lead to a solution. Emotionally driven behaviors do not respond to logical analysis.
You simply have to adopt an attitude of "it's not about me." It's not about your handling of a particular event or situation. You need to learn not to take things personally; it's about her and her emotional state of being. You are merely the random target.
A person in a state of well-being would not present the inappropriate responses and behaviors that she manifests. Bottom line, be assured you are not at fault.
You are giving your mother-in-law way too much power over your life.
Having said that, you are, however, responsible in the sense of having the ability to respond (‘response-ability') in a healthier, more constructive manner. To allow yourself to get depressed, lose sleep and be robbed of the joy in your life is terribly unfortunate. You are giving your mother-in-law way too much power over your life.
The paradigm shift to an "it's not about me," posture effectively removes you and your ego from the picture and will allow you to gain clarity. Instead of seeing in your mother-in-law a person who is maliciously trying to hurt you, you might see a very threatened and insecure individual. It might be an insecurity resulting from aging, ill health, lack of fulfillment or a myriad of other factors and causes. Your husband's exhortation not to waste your time and energy trying to change his mother suggests that the scenario is not a surprising phenomenon and may well be personality related. In any case, it's not about you!
I recently heard a beautiful insight. If you look out your window at night when the lights are on, all you will see is your own reflection. If you turn the lights off and the focus is no longer on you, you can see the world beyond -- a broader and more expansive view becomes accessible. Our self, our ego, the me, obstructs our ability to see the other.
Practically speaking, when you feel yourself falling into the old pattern of taking offense, beginning the spiral of obsessive thinking, recognize you have a key -- you can get a grip on your life. In actuality it's not your mother-in-law and what she says, but rather just your thinking about what she says that undoes you. The key is to know that you are the thinker – you don't need to be thinking anything you don't wish. You can drop the toxic thoughts and not let them take over your mind. Move on to something else like taking your children to the park or reconnecting with a friend -- whatever it takes to clear your mind of the obsessive thoughts.
The cleared space in your mind will allow your innate wisdom to inform the situation. Ultimately, you'll get to the point of being able to interact with your mother-in-law from the vantage point of an objective observer, looking from the outside in without personal involvement.
This objective stance will give you the ability to diffuse her comments. When she makes untrue, snide remarks about your husband never being so thin when she had him, you might respond, "But of course, mom, nobody is as good a cook as you are." End of subject. Don't argue the point. Don't get sucked in. Chuckle and laugh it off.
Or when she remarks that breastfeeding is not good, just say very dispassionately, "The jury is still out, mom. The pendulum swings back and forth. There are certainly advantages and disadvantages to both positions, but at this point in my life, breastfeeding feels right to me." Period and end of discussion!
Perhaps Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't let anyone in your life to undermine you. It's not about you. And you are the thinker in charge. You don't have to be at the mercy of whatever thoughts pop into your head.
SELF-PRESERVATION
I must tell you, my dear reader, that the level of stress, pain and anxiety described in your question is of concern to me. You speak of going on with your life and not committing suicide because of your children. Furthermore, you conclude you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. These are extreme statements, especially since they are made from a context of having a loving and supportive husband, the blessing of children, and the personal achievement of being a physician. It appears as though you may be a perfectionist, setting very high standards for yourself, with little room or tolerance for the piece that doesn't fit in with your view and perception of how things should be.
Self preservation must be your first priority.
My advice would be that if you can't get relief by invoking the above outlined methods, the next line of defense would be to confront your mother-in-law. Tell her that while she may not be intentionally or maliciously setting out to give you grief, and regardless of whether she thinks that your take on this situation is merely your perception and interpretation, something has to change. Emphasize that you can no longer suffer what to you feels like cruel insensitivity and put downs.
If she pleads innocent and clueless, tell her that in the future when she moves in that direction, you will immediately give her a signal that she is entering dangerous territory. At that point, tell her that you expect her to abort the conversation with no further discussion. This can serve as sensitivity training for her. If she can agree to this plan, the relationship can continue, with emails, photos of grandchildren, etc.
If she is not amenable, let her know that personal contact with you will be curtailed. Self preservation must be your first priority. Your husband deserves a happy, functioning wife; your children deserve a healthy mother, and most importantly it is imperative for you to dissipate the cloud that darkens your existence -- by hook or by crook, whatever works.
In the event that none of the above works for you, I would strongly recommend you seek professional intervention to help you determine what is obstructing your ability to move forward. Good luck!
(94) Anonymous, March 6, 2018 11:52 AM
Vicious mother in law
Hi. The author has given very wise and sound advice, but I feel she missed an important point: controlling and nasty mother in lasw have puppy sons and this woman's husband seems to be the real problem. He is a walk over for his mother and allows her to trample on his wife. The mother in law's narcissism will destroy the family if she doesn get laid down clear borders with consequences for crossing them. This is where I am too. I nearly abandoned my husband because he has a second wife in his mummy. A lot of religious advicers fail to realise how dangerous "sweet grandmothers" can be, and how evil disguised as good.
(93) Anonymous, January 2, 2017 7:47 PM
Mother in law harassing in my marriage
Dear Aish
I too also got the involvement from my mother in law harassing in my marriage. She is a us citizen while we from Malaysia citizen.every time she come here for holiday....with her another precious son from Australia......my marriage start to rock...as my husband is still her baby boy.....every time come to visit us with ill intention advise my husband to divorce me.....tell my husband how bad am I.....even try to snatch my son away from me....that keep my marriage in pressure
(92) Dalia, July 21, 2016 6:41 PM
Great answers, Thank you!
Thank you Rebbetzin for such inspiring words.
I also have MIL issues, even though they are not as extreme as this writer, I still loose sleep and get very angry about it. I will try to implement your advise. Thank you!
(91) Anonymous, July 4, 2016 6:30 AM
Response to "Please Help"....
I totally understand how you feel! For a long time I thought I was the only one that was experiencing such hatred and distain from their MIL. Marriage is not suppose to be that way.
Long story short, My husband passed away 6 yrs ago. I have two children (current ages) a daughter 16yrs and a son 7yrs old. My husband left us nothing when he died and he did not have health insurance. Nonetheless, we had to move in with my parents, I went back to school of my MBA in finance (the got a job at a local jewelers, blahahaha) my kids go to to private school.
And YES the my MIL is still treating me the same. Most recently she sued me for custody of my children - under the grandparents visitation act here in PA. What a bunch of BS. She isn't even involved with them at all. Except for the one major fact - she wants my son. go figure. Anyway after the hearing she doesn't even follow what the Masters determined to be fair. For over two months she has canceled her scheduled visit. On this past Friday I received a notice that she is taking me back to court . Again I ask WTF. At her home they use drugs, have guns not locked up and have her terminal father in an unknown condition. But she wants my children to visit her home. Please anyone have any advise on how I can get the court to she her acting out and not as the victim? I would be forever grateful!
Also - YES I have a lawyer. and believe it or not so does she and he agrees with her. My lawyer said the same advice "It's not about me, it's all about her" but that is easier said than done. Please help me.
thank you
(90) Anonymous, May 23, 2016 7:28 AM
I would love a discussion of the opposite -
I have a son-il-law who had a very difficult upbringing and for yrs has absolutely no contact with his parents. They didn't even come to his wedding.
Now' I feel he is taking out on e what he really wants to take out on his parents
He is trying to become the head of the family (I am divorced from a pedophile who had a problem even before we got married and never told me - I have been on my own raising and B:Hmarrying off 4 out of 7 children I the lasr 15 yrs. ) and I feel this SIL wants to act as though he is the head of the family
He goes around acting and doing many painful things and if I am hurt gets upset, if I turn to people for help, he saya I am bad-mouthing him
Can we open such a discussion???
(89) Anonymous, January 2, 2016 7:20 AM
Response to "Please Help (64)"
You're not going nutty! Please, don't doubt yourself! NPDs use "gaslighting" ("that didn't happen, you're going crazy"). Yes, the child who grew up w/ a NPD parent, esp if that child was the "golden child" will defend their parent to the n-th degree. They have been sucked into the manipulative charade of the NPD parent and they know the consequences for not complying w/ the NPD's wishes. The NPD seeks their narcissist supply from hurting you and destroying you in various ways (e.g. character assisination or ruining your marriage). NPDs like to light a fire then walk away and watch it burn while others panic. They are cruel, lack empathy and a conscious. The children of NPD will sometimes exhibit narcissistic traits too, because it's the only way they survived and they also don't know true unconditional love because they never received it. Your husband would know something is amiss with his mother. He probably doesn't know it's NPD, but he'd know she's not normal. He probably doesn't want to admit that to you for fear of the consequences (severing contact, judgement, conflict, etc). My MIL has NPD and my husband says it's all me and I'm at fault and his mother is lovely, despite witnessing horrendous things she says and does not only to me but also to our baby. I am currently in therapy to try to manage how I am dealing with it (thank you Rebbetzin for the great article BTW - I'm trying to change how I react and cope: I'll never change the NPD MIL). Despite my profession (I'm a psychologist), I can't deal with it alone. It's tremendously hard. It's even harder without your husband's support. Be there for him. Observe without judgement (listen but don't comment negatively). Have a good friend you can talk to about all the nasty things. Your husband grew up w/ her NPD, it's your turn to show him what a true loving wife (and mother to your children) really is. I hope & pray your husband (and mine) come around to see things as they are & support you, speedily!
(88) Anonymous, November 10, 2015 4:37 PM
While I agree that it would be good for this young woman to get help to not let her mother-in-law's behavior get to her, it is WRONG for her to have to submit herself to it. And it's wrong for her children to see it. I would advise making it clear that if the abuse doesn't stop, then the mother-in-law cannot be allowed to visit. This is a very unhealthy situation and it has to stop.
Anonymous, March 11, 2016 12:50 AM
Absolutely! I completely agree with that. It's unhealthy.
I'm in the same situation with my MIL. I'm in my 40's but it's taken me a long time to finally say I've had it so we stopped texting, calling, emailing, spending time with them. We have children. The Father in law begged for family therapy which I agreed to even though all of my friends and some family and even spouse were saying forget about it. But for the sake of the kids I tried. The therapy went as I had imagined. Partial apologies. No acknowledgment. Me yelling the problems, no shame or guilt from her but that they want to try. It's very sad. I can't make her like me. I felt unheard and that she is lacking empathy. She just refuses to believe that the reason we stopped seeing them is because of her. Because she's just not nice sometimes. She also would wait to repramand me until her son was not around. she is critical, stubborn, says the wrong things and just mean sometimes. It's just too much. I don't want to be around anyone that is toxic or negative. Mothers should support each other. I don't feel supported. She says things but they are not true. They just make her feel better and she can tell stories to her family and play the victim. They ask to spend time this summer together. I'm feeling sick about it. I'd like to try but I don't have the moxy.
(87) ayesha, August 25, 2015 3:26 AM
Hats off to the writer!
Beautiful guidance provided. I have been suffering through much severe situations than these one since the first day of my marriage. The writer is like psychiatrist.
(86) Adrienne, May 1, 2015 12:29 PM
The most thoughtful, wise and caring advice I have heard in a long time.
Rebbetzin Feige Twerski, your thoughts and feelings expressed to this young woman, warm my heart and remind me that there are people in the world that truely care about others.
(85) Anonymous, April 22, 2015 5:45 AM
its really a dangerous situation when a woman wants to destroy another woman's happy married life..but in India its a common situation. even i h m going through this phase.. pitty mother who even dn't care about his own son's happiness and try to seperate a married couple by her insecure nature..i think the future women should come forward together and promise that they are going to be a great and lovining mother in law..
(84) Rachel, March 31, 2015 1:01 AM
Advice only works on normal people
This article is a real gem in that it makes us realize that we have control over both our reactions and perceptions. In situations where the angry and aggressive people are more or less normal, or at least have insight into their own behavior, choosing one's thoughts and reactions to the situation can work wonders. But, from the authors extreme reaction to her mother-in-law, it is apparent that her mother-in-law is not a good person who is simply having a bad day. It is apparent that the author has been emotionally terrorized by a mother-in-law who either has narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. The hallmark of this type of mental illness is that these people can neither feel empathy nor have insight into how they harm others. So yes, choose your reaction when you are in the company of your mother-in-law. Mainly, what you need to do is stand up to her and call her out on her behavior using the facts of her behavior. This would actually be a good litmus test because if she is a normal person having a bad day, she will take a moment to consider what you said. My feeling is that your mother-in-law is absolutely not a normal person. Still, in this case stand up to her with the facts. When she tries to lie and defend herself, stick to the facts and do not let her deny anything. If she rages at you, start recording her rage on your cell phone for evidence. And if she rages at you this is also justification to go no contact with her. The world needs you and your children also need you. Surround yourself with loving friends who won't play mind games and who will give you a reality check. You are not crazy. But, the best advice I can give is to go NO contact with her and to ask your husband to cleave to you as the Torah intended. He is going to have to make a choice and if he chooses her, get an excellent divorce lawyer and surround yourself with loving friends and family. Also, document all of your interactions. Do not let her ruin you.
(83) nani, December 12, 2014 8:42 PM
I recently had a daughter and just found out my mother in law told everybody from his side of the family not to come because I said I hated them. None of it was true and she was just upset that my mother was also at the hospital and the focus wasnt on her for once. Ive been with my husband since highschool and shes been trying to b reak us up ever since. She doesnt like us together and will often try to seperate us and control our marriage. My husband spends more time with her than he does with me and it feels like Im dealing with a mistress of some sort. He hasnt really had time to bond with his new daughter because of her and he lashes out at ne when I try to express my feelings. A lot of people do not like her and she goes around lyng about me and making fun of me behind my back. Im seriously considering a divorce because I cant deal with it anymore. Its mentally exhausting.. I need help..
(82) Tammy, December 10, 2014 5:13 AM
I've been dealing with a crazy mother in
law for 9 years. I feel like every year it gets worse. I'm owned by them due to money with my husband, I will never hear the end of what they have done for me, I do sent thank you cards and small gifts but nothings good enough. She lies and manipulates my husband and then we fight horrible. She has gotten upset with me two times in the past 3 months and has come to my house screaming and pounding on my door crazy like. I have had a witness at the house and my husband believes me but listens to her just complete lie. I have four kids with him and its getting stressful on the kids to deal without the both of us at family gatherings. I don't know what to do. help please.
(81) Anonymous, November 16, 2014 3:50 AM
Research Narscistic Mother Personality Disorder
My kids are grown and I have three pre teen gran kids. Our whole family is estranged from each other because I allowed my mother to undermine my parenting and traumatize me and my family. GET AWAY AND STAY AWAY from anyone who does not create love in your home.
Anonymous, April 21, 2015 2:57 PM
So true
You nailed it: Get away and stay away from anyone who does not create love in your home.
(80) GI GARCIA, May 12, 2014 10:49 PM
LEAVE KNOW
IT WONT GET ANY BETTER MOVE ON HE BELONGS TO MOMMY IT WILL NEVER CHANGE SHE WILL BE FIRST
(79) Anonymous, March 20, 2014 1:48 AM
Wise and calming words that help gaining perspective and insight into dealing with a challenging situation
I have just found this question and response via a google search. I am from another country and have little knowledge of Judaism, however, what I read here in the response to the question has given me great insight and help centre my mind regarding a difficult situation. It has given me useful tools and wise words to reflect on. I am very grateful, and feel an immediate calmness and control of my response to the situation coming to the fore again -an overly emotional state make it so hard to successfully work through these difficult situations; you end up bouncing off the individual with the issues and getting caught up in a destructive 'game'. I am printing an edited version of this response in order to go back and reflect in times of need!
(78) Anonymous, February 3, 2014 3:10 AM
To TS: I understand, and implore you to trust your instinct
Please TS, your instinct is telling you to leave this person, your MIL, far behind in your wake. The mention of suicide is something I can relate to in regards to having a BPD MIL. My tormenting relationship with mine nearly resulted in the same. I would fantasize about just ending it all, despite my joyful and attached relationships with my amazing children. Because my husband was raised by a BPD mother and likely a grandmother with NPD that raised the BPD, his own borderline-like behaviors were doubly tormenting to me. It was a personal hell for 10 years, and I know EXACTLY what you mean about wishing you'd never gotten married. Listen to me TS: YOU DONT' HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS HELL. 98% of human beings, including MILs, are not BPD and will not treat you this way. If your husband cannot or will not protect you from his sociopath BPD mother, leave him to save your own life and your own children. Love, K
(77) mary, August 15, 2013 7:12 AM
shit
I also felt the same way:)My MIL always wants to involve in our family life(especially about her son and her grandson) but i am their most intimate person. I know eveything as their like:Dislike stop annoying me both my father in law and Mother in law stay away with my family
(76) sad and upsets, April 15, 2013 11:12 AM
advice
hi there i read your ad so i decide to write to you i live with my in laws from lat year october dur to my own family chase me away my fiancee took me and made me stay with him now that i went pass these month my mother in law are irritating me i just hate her for ill treating me as hell due to house work and how i wash my own clothes and clean she forever nagg like she super clean she inspects my clothes if they wash clean when she bad she bad when me and my fiancee have money she to good with us. she only work in factory earning 400 a week yets she dam brave to lie that she and father in law running the house wikth our money that we works so hard, now there my wedding is around next week she really looking for trouble please advise how do i make her get out of my sight
(75) Anonymous, September 14, 2012 9:08 PM
Personality Disorder is what your MIL has and Limitation of visiting is maybe the best.
Agree with Dr. Adahan; Rebbetzin Feigi doesn't know what it's like to deal with a verbal terrorist. I noticed the first comment was in December 2008 and I hope miss TS have everything figured out. I came across this because I have a difficulty relationship with MIL myself. At first I was not aware of it but recently after 7 years of marriage, my MIL got more and more negative. She abused my husband and my child with words and manipulated my husband with emails(she sent unnecessary emails to me when my husband ignore her.) I finally had a talk with her asked her to not be negative. In that point she did not take it well and everything went downhill. I had seek out support from friend who is therapist and this is the answer; PD personality disorder. It's sad but we just have to be aware and protect ourselves. Here is more information about PD. http://askthepsych.com/atp/2008/05/22/controlling-manipulative-and-lazy/ http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/understanding/ If you feel that situation got worse and it bring you down, you will need to get help too. Be well both mind and body.
(74) anon, July 16, 2012 7:45 PM
Number 1: protect yourself
The undending stream of letters from people suffering from abusive relationships to Aish is very disturbing. Just think, for every person who writes in, there must be many more who are suffering in silence. And whilst the replies given vary in their outlook, I feel that it is not emphasized enough that if a person is being abused their number one priority has to be to protect themself (and any child they are responsible for). You can't win with abusive people. It is always about them, and their need to suck others energy is infinite. Try to limit your contact with them as much as possible, and if it is unavoidable that you have to be in their presence every so often, try to ensure that you have company (a friend, anyone). In this particular case, the fact that the MIL turned on the birth of the first child makes me think that it brought up her own untreated trauma connected to childbirth. However, this is not a justification just a guess at what could have caused the change. Alternatively, you could record some of her outbursts and play them back to your husband. And please don't commit suicide just because of the old bat. Better to get divorced methinks.
(73) lisa, July 16, 2012 2:58 AM
It IS about you!
She has to be told she can't come into your home.....period!! When she is in your "daled amot" she must behave!! She probably has psychological problems......& you are not her dumping ground. YOU must be stronger & make non negotiable boundries! GOOD LUCK!!!!
(72) Anonymous, June 15, 2012 7:11 PM
Invaluable Advice
It took me a lifetime to figure out that I have a Narcissist for a MIL. It isn't that she doesn't have some good qualities but to build an authentic, trustworthy relationship with someone who is so self absorbed is impossible. Now that my children have grown, I'm free to keep the contact with my MIL to the minimum needed to be a decent and caring human being. Now that I'm a MIL, I have a wealth of knowledge and feel I know how to give others the genuine love and support they truly deserve. Ns are to be pitied but if they're wreaking havoc with your sense of peace and well being, then you must preserve your sanity by moving on for both your husband's and your sake. And.. yes, it isn't worth all of the energy it takes to try and fix the unfixable!
(71) carolyn, June 15, 2012 2:37 PM
love everybody it is hard
love one another, fogive one another, don't take everything personally when you are alone with your family do the best you can with them. When people visit let them take care of stuff. Your husband is your husband your mother in-law is your mother-inlaw, don't make your husband suffer, try to make your mother in law busy when she comes visit, put the kid in the stroller, let her go outside for a few minutes, if your kid is older let her sit in the playground. I know mother in law is very difficult. But if we would live our lives without difficulty we wouldn't grow. Kill her with kindness and she will behave.
(70) Cristine, April 25, 2012 2:41 AM
Thank you so much for this letter and advise. adopting the attitude-"It's not about me"- is a big help for me to have a peaceful mind. The letter sender situation and my experience are almost alike ex." I'm fed up with her untrue snide remarks, unasked for advice and downright rude behavior when she visits (like screaming at me, of course only when her son isn't present)". Although I couldn't understand why MIL behaves almost the same, maybe I'll understand when I'm already MIL too, but then, what I know now is the feeling of suffering and how unhealthy is to be a wife and mother with a rude MIL, mind blowing! So I hope when time comes that my children are married, I will always remember my wish on how my MIL and I should treat each other with love and respect. Now, I am doing self-preservation even before I have read your advise, thank you for it made me feel I'm doing the right thing for the 1st time in my entire life. My wish is just a wish but I do hope I could grant it to my future Daughter/Son in law.
Anonymous, May 28, 2012 12:01 PM
same thing
I had the same experience, the screaming and degrading me, abusing, and then while I sat there and kept my mouth shut, she furthered attempted to degrade me, by stating, "look at you, you're body is all contorted." We should be thankful, that we are not so hateful, to do that to anyone. I should add, that publicly, she takes great effort, to *prove*, she's just about the only kind hearted person in existance, on paper at least.
(69) Anonymous, December 6, 2011 3:21 PM
Its good advice but difficult for implement.
(68) Anonymous, December 2, 2011 11:43 PM
Brilliant advice
Thank you so much for this advice. You just give advice on how to handle myself - no-one else, since I have no control over anyone else - and this is the best advice I have found. I am going to put this into practice and hope that my family can benefit from it. Thank you.
(67) Lisa, December 1, 2011 3:45 AM
Good Advice
I was looking for advice to help deal with my sister-in-law who is also hard to deal with and has anger issues. Your advice was very helpful. Thanks and keep up the good work.
(66) Anonymous, October 18, 2011 6:09 AM
Having a hard time with the moher-in-law
i having a hard time with my mother-in-law. Ever since my parents have had issues with my in-laws, this lady has just changed. On the surface she is all nice and sweet but if you dig deep she is a bitter fruit. Whenever I try to express my opinion about anything, she cuts me off and gets very defensive. Recently I and my husband had some argument and I just shared my thoughts with her. I was very upset and I told her that if my husband is going to be rude that way and does not change his ways then I can't really take it anymore. I never mentioned anything about getting divorce or separating (I love my husband a lot...we get along very well generally) but for some reason this lady interpreted from that telephone conversation that I am gonna our marriage was in trouble and I am deciding to leave my husband (which wasn't my intention and I was not planning to do that) Eventually I and my husband talked out our differences and my husband talked to my in-laws and explained them the whole situation about how everything was settled and I never meant on divorcing or leaving him...it was just because I was stressed out and we had an argument and I was mad at him so I had said all that. I thought it should have been clear to everyone that situation was resolved. I have been talking to my mother-in-law nicely since then but everytime she talks to me she acts all weird on the phone and she sounds very cold and reactions are not very positive whenever I talk to her. I feel bad because of the way she talks to me.......I really don't understand what was wrong in getting frustrated when my husband was rude to me? Does my MIL expects me to be a dumb and deaf doll. After all I can also feel bad about things ....especially when her own son acted badly and instead of showing any concern towards me she is acting rudely with me. What kind of biased behavior is that? Her behavior impacts me a lot. I can't focus on my work. I really think I am giving her too much power over my life
rish, October 31, 2011 12:24 PM
you're not alone
hi, many of us feel the same way. my MIL also does the sweet persona when the reality is very different. a word of advice- their darling sons are never wrong! If u feel the need to vent don't do it with her- call a friend or colleague. they'll be more neutral, cos once the argument is over they won't take sides. your MIL however will still be offended, cos criticising her son is lie criticising the way her brought him up. doesn't make sense but that's the way it is. u are giving her too much of power over u. if she's being cold distant that's not such a bad thing. take some time, lick ur wounds and ur relationship going forward should be better. at least know u'll know to always keep a little distance bet. u & ur MIL. she isn't a girlfriend after all & there's a limit on what u should confide in her. good luck
(65) Lori, July 14, 2011 1:17 PM
Not as easy as you make it sound
In the real world, your suggestions do not work. In a perfect world maybe. Sometimes, these persons with Personality Disorders are so horrible to their target and it is so commonplace for them, that it is actually expected of them. It is easier said than done, to be constantly ridiculed and be expected to be "a happy wife and mom", especially when you have lived your life, until the abuse began, in loving manner with the support of a loving family. To be blindsided by this and to have your child be treated worse than you are because they are not a blood grandchild, is heartbreaking. One cannot be expected to just "ignore" the behavior, especially when it is acted upon every day. Also, we did go to family counselling (parents and child) to try to learn how to deal with the issue at hand. Nothing that was suggested to us, worked. It is very frustrating and can very easily ruin days at a time. However, SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!
E.P., September 30, 2011 3:19 AM
Advice is realistic
I have to object that the suggestions do not work. First of all, I think the advice is a very good recipe for standing up for oneself. In letting the MIL know (and trust me, even if the DIL doesn't tell it, MIL *knows*) she's upsetting the DIL, MIL has power and control over DIL and that's very rewarding for a controlling person. Standing up for oneself can be as simple as just mentally walking away. Also, in reality, Rebbetzin Feige has given the writer advice based on the DIL's limitations as a human being - any human being's limitations.. She cannot change the MIL. No one can change anyone at will. What she can do, what is in her abilities and can control, is alter her behavior. She can talk to the MIL, and that may or may not result in a change in the MIL's behavior (for better or worse). There's an old saying about something that changing behavior can change feelings. If the writer begins to act as if it doesn't matter, pretty soon it won't matter. I write as someone who's dealing with an insecure, controlling and possessive MIL. She may not be a complete narcissist, but her attachment and attempts to control my husband leaves me often concerned. She can be wonderful and loving to me directly, the underhandedly cruel and vindictive when no one's looking. I struggled until she blew up and I blew up. Then I realized, ultimately, what can I do? I can talk to her, but if a 70-year-old woman doesn't understand boundaries and courtesy toward her DIL already, what is a conversation going to do? Throw gas on the fire. At then end of the day, all I can do -- all that is within my power -- is to stop caring (and it is possible), pray and then move on with my life. Trying this has gotten that woman, if not completely out of my head, at least out of my marriage. I will say that I have seen how controlling people behave when you let it go - they try to tighten the reins, then tighten some more, thern alot of times, they back down and find a different target.
(64) Please Help, June 13, 2011 9:27 PM
Please Help
I have had such a horrible time regarding my MIL. The same old NPD behaviors and it is totally ruining my marriage. My husband tells me to get over it and then calls me a narcissist when I talk about how her behaviors have upset me. He doesn't see how his mother is a narcissist. This woman meets every symptom of a pathological narcissist. I am not a doctor, but I am also not stupid. Is this normal behavior for someone who grew up with a narcissistic mother? How can I get him to see that his mother has problems and has caused all these unhappy times in our marriage? (Oh, which by the way, is all my fault, per my mother in law) I am seriously going nutty!!
(63) Jonathan D. Lipson, April 28, 2011 7:53 PM
Here is even a better idea.
Don't ever get married. I haven't seen a healthy marriage yet. It doesn't work. Let's abolish ALL marriage and let the people be liberated from the shackles of this shameful institution. Single people can adopt children now, and we don't need to multiply our population anymore. Marriage only proves that if there is a Satan, God, who invented marriage, is Satan's friend. Who knows? Maybe that's what we should learn from marriages.
Anonymous, July 4, 2011 8:58 AM
Good and Bad
There are bad marriages and bad mother-in-laws out there, but I have seen many many happy, healthy marriages and many, many good, supportive mother-in-laws. My grandmothers are both incredible woman who love their children and know when something is none of their business. My mother in law is incredibly sweet and never meddles in anything we do. I am very grateful to her and to all the other mother-in-laws out there who DO bite their tongues and smile when they actually feel like saying something negative. Good for them!!
twila, August 4, 2011 9:10 PM
um.. jonathan.. reality check
jonathan, seriously.. clearly you've been burned, but i have seen countless healthy marriages. they generally are the products of two people who experienced healthy child rearing, and loving homes. other people who did not have the healthiest or most fortunate upbringing may struggle harder to keep the marriage upbeat or afloat, but it's been done my many multitudes of people. Yes, many marriages are disasters and blah blah blah.. but G.d is friends with Satan?? Single people should adopt children?? don't multiply the population?? It's a shameful institution because our generation has butchered it, buddy.. but don't let your sadness and disappointments cloud over reality. That reality being that a good healthy marriage which does or which does not produce good healthy offspring is such a blessing. I grew up in one, thank G. and there's no joy, or satisfaction greater than with those people with whom i share that history and those blood ties. Marriage, and children and above all, G. are all beautiful! and should be treated with the graciousness, respect, and awe that they deserve.
(62) Anonymous, April 28, 2011 2:20 AM
let jewish community know what BPD is
HOW CAN WE LET PEOPLE KNOW WHAT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS??? People should have a right to be aware of it to either (hopefully) prevent it, or to recognize that a BPD is in their lives and it is not them. HOW can we let more people know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(61) Anonymous, April 25, 2011 6:12 PM
In laws
Let me also explain something else. I know that my MIL and SIL were not treated right by their mothers. I know this has become an illness, that is why I am so strong, but I am also aware of the danger involved. I still love them even though they hate me. I still wish the best for them and that God will help them overcome these issues although I feel that is almost unreasonable at this point. I still treat them respect but I try not to be around them as much. This is so sad really on both sides. I know my MIL's husband is dismissive of her and treats her wrong while spoiling her rotten to make up for those faults when she needed him he was not there. My heart aches for her and when I see the things they do to others, I feel sad inside for them. Listen, people are people and they need help. We DIL are getting the backlash and angry attention from all this because we really do care or it wouldnt hurt us. Please, I know this is hard, I have been through things that some of you couldnt even imagine. Remember that they are not okay all the time, they need love because that is whats lacking. If you love your husbands and see their mothers and sisters inside them, love them too. Its NOT easy, but its whats being called of you if your not strong enough you have to learn how to deal with it. Nothing I do is good enough, but God knows I can deal in the end because I can love regardless. I have no prejudice in my soul towards anyone so it is being called forth that I learn to love without prejudice towards those who even give hate and maliciousness. That is a HARD feat to deal with, so I had to learn to not be so naive, trusting of others and strong in different ways. Its not for everyone, but its a lesson in life and it teaches us to be strong willed and of sound mind even if we break several times before then. Know that these people need your love even if they refuse it, keep offering it. Their souls are worth saving and pray for them because they are Gods children too.
Jeannea, June 23, 2011 3:01 AM
This is such a good advice. Yes I too suffers some DIL experienced but it's up for us on how we stand up and personally we should love our self more so we can share our love as much as MIL needs. :)
(60) Carol, April 3, 2011 10:34 PM
Bad advice
I have seen this same situation so many times. Abusive mothers-in-law suffer from narcissistic personality disorders. They have had several years controlling their children, and they usually spend that majority of it manipulating sons. A narcissistic mother is not going to change. If these types of mothers have daughters, they usually treat them in an extremely derogatory manner. Beware if your husbands/lovers have a sister that is a black sheep. It is probably Momma again abusing another female. These mothers do not change. Generally, they become even better at abusing. Narcissistic mothers are extremely unhappy. They usually suffered in a marriage that was unsatisfying or abusive or they didn't have a meaningful relationship. They are bitter about their lost opportunities. They deal with their own emotional problems by marrying their sons. Guilty is the name of the game. A man raised by a narcissistic mother is not normal. He feels extremely guilty every time his mother expresses discontent because he was raised to please his mother when his father failed. He was also raised with too much attention. These mothers may abuse their sons, but they tell them over and over again that no woman is good enough for them. After years of this kind of brain washing, a man like that will not function correctly in his primary partnership. The only one woman that he is concerned about is his mother. He will expect his wife to also please her, no matter how outrageous the behavior bcomes that is just what he does. Nearly always, these mothers win and ruin their husbands marriage. Often, they go on to attempt to get custody of the children. My best advice from seeing this happen dozens of times is simply to tell your husband that you are going to get a divorce if the abuse doesn't stop and your are filing for custody. In all likelihood, if you stay, Momma will keep abusing you, and she will get MUCH better at it.
(59) SeaGal, March 16, 2011 8:54 AM
When MIL Inflicts REAL harm
I can totally relate to the above stories but what do you do when you MIL increases the abuse to cause harm in your life? Mine called my work and reported I was "on drugs" to get back at me. She had the police do a "welfare check" because I did not return her call within 1/2 hour--they broke into my house at 8 a.m when I was home alone after a late work night. Of course she plead "concerned" on that one. Hubby KNOWS she is malicious but same as above says, "just ignore her". I don't blame him....he is strong enough to reprimand her but if he's too harsh she will harass him, i.e. calling his work 50 times/day.
Carol, April 3, 2011 10:20 PM
The advice underestimates how abusive these mothers actually are. Suicide is a common instinct of people who are being repeatedly abused. It sounds like she would actually do better getting the divorce. These husbands are not loving. They are emotionally retarded, otherwise, their mothers would not have such an exaggerated presence in their lives. Better advice is just simply to divorce and let her abuse some other woman that is not you--because she will. In your case, I would say the same thing. Your husband obviously does not respect you enough to take your suffering seriously. Sons of narcissistic mothers are not normal. They are usually abusive because the mother has brainwashed them into believing that no other woman is as good as her nor should she be treated as well. Narcissistic mothers marry their sons to get the emotional validation that they did not get from their own failed marriages. Get away!
Anonymous, April 29, 2011 3:33 AM
experienced at people with BPD
Whomever has a BPD in their life....will be better off if they can move away from them....as far as possible. If its not possible, then best to get very well educated in what Borderline Personality Disorder really is, and start understanding it.
(58) Betty, March 6, 2011 8:33 PM
Don't depend on your husband to do or say anything. These horrible women have a very strong hold over their sons.Take matters into your hands. Don't try & be nice to her. Tell her exactly what you want & don't worry about how it will affect your husband.He'll get over it. If he can't support you now , rest assured he never will under any circumstances. If he is afraid of his mother , can you imagine how afraid he'll be if & when a real dificult situation arises ? These men are cowards, so you have to fight your own battles. Believe me, she will realize that she can't treat you that way anymore & will probably stop or ignore you.Either way, you'll be the winner. Believe me, been, there done that.
(57) Anonymous, February 2, 2011 4:28 AM
mother in law
this artical was great for me .I felt as though i wrote the letter although ive been dealing with the same horrible situation for 16 years.its a nightmare dealing with somone whos consistently verbaly abusive. thank you Rebbetzin for the wonderful advice. i will try to do as you say .my husband is bh supportive too but none the less its so painful to hear put downs and critisizome every day. now that my kids are older shes doing it to them as well. i daven daily for hashems assistance and guidance.
(56) sonia, December 15, 2010 11:47 PM
keep away as much as possible physically and emotionally
i have 15 years of exact situation (narcississtic mother-inlaw and borderline sister-inlaw) and worse than this forced to live with them in the same building (where there is no escape or taking a break from the drama). My husband and I (and children) ended leaving the whole country (and continent) for her!! And still they come to us here and create havoc!
(55) Sangelia, June 30, 2010 1:35 AM
recording
try to have a recording device of some sort on hand. like a tape player. this way if the MiL flies into another temper tantrum. you will have solid evidence on it to show your DH. and he can have the full side of what you recieved. this way she can not make it look like you were in the wrong.
(54) Anonymous, May 21, 2010 4:27 PM
The Other Way Around
I am on the other side of this coin. My son and daughter in law and 2 children live with us. For the past few years she have been making me the target for anything wrong in her life. At this point in time even though they still live in the same house she is making sure I have little to no contact with the grandkids. This is the one thing she knows will hurt me the most. After reading your advise I can see how both sides are working and will try very hard to keep all this in mind. I guess the one thing I want to mention is, in try to look for help with my problem all I can find are stories about Evil Mother In Laws!!! That is not always the case...as least from where I sit..
(53) Rebecca Nelson, April 26, 2010 5:03 PM
Great Advice
This article is wonderful stated. You can easily insert the word "family" or "in-laws" for MIL. The author is correct is stating to set boundaries for yourself. At no cost should ANY person suffer the intensity of emotion the reader experienced. Doing so only allows the abusive or mentally ill person to win the battle. Ignore what they say. Know who you are as a person and stand your ground. If your boundaries are not respected, just remember the word family is subject to interpretation. It does not necessarily mean "blood or marriage relation." A family can be any group of individuals you associate with and indentify as a close circle of support to your well-being. Stay strong folks!
(52) LEE, April 5, 2010 12:32 AM
I HAVE 30 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE
Look, I have 30 years of experience with a BPD due to my motherinlaw and my 28 years of professional experience in the field of social services. My motherinlaw is cruel,destructive and marriage distroying monster which is normal for thisBPD mental illness that she has. The problem is with my wife that does NOT SET HEALTHY BOUNDRIES on her sick mother. For those people that said it's up to the other victim of her abuse to straighten her out I and other's in the field MUST disagree. The insane person that is cruel and disfuntioned needs repeated healthy boundries and consequesnce from yhe BLOOD RELATIVE. My wife was unfortuanately so abused and broken by her mother's mental illness that she allows this to go on and on for 30 years. People love is and verb and an ACTION ! Loving people PROTECT the person in the marriage and it helps the mentally ill person know that they are actting cruel and sadistic and twisted. It's that simple and that easy. My wife and I will enter therapy to help her grow up from the age of 8 to 48 and then develop a healthy boundry for everyone.
(51) post, October 25, 2009 5:51 AM
I know the feeling
I read this letter and it was my life all over every detail was almost identical. The only difference is that it not only is my MIL abusive but also my FIL, SIL and GIL. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My friends and family are giving all the support they can give but I still feel like I am slipping into a deep depression. This whole situation is soul destroying. My quest for answers seems to be in vain as the experts keep saying to ignore it and pretend like it is not a personal attack. But how can on sit back and let others do and say the most horrid things and try to pretend it is not happening?
(50) Anonymous, May 15, 2009 4:10 PM
thankyou for your help.
thankyou for your help on an issue that I also know is a terrible and painful issue. Alot of people are not aware that this is such a disturbing disorder and how much it can do to cause pain in a family. This Rebbitzen has warmly offered reasonable help in this. I would suggest 2 articles by Miriam Adahan, one called "Are there limits to respect for parents"....this IS an article about BPD, although the title doesn't show it clearly. The other is: Borderlines: How it Feels to be a COB, SOB or POB By Dr. Miriam Adahan these articles can be found, and are also very helpful. I've had someone in my family who is BPD and until I got enough information to understand it, I was very distressed. It is much better now, since I understand it. Wishing everyone the same relief and more......
(49) Dianna, May 14, 2009 1:49 PM
You have no clue, Ronni
You obviously have never dealt with a person with BPD. My mother-in-law is very much like TS's. It is devastating and the cruelty is a shock. It is hard not to take it personally and for your self-esteem to fall apart when they are around. I've also had suicidal thoughts at times, at times I've had thoughts of taking my children and leaving my husband. It's hard to be rational when you are dealing with someone like this. It rocks you to the very core. You just want to escape.
(48) voracious reader, February 22, 2009 9:54 AM
I never had a relationship with my mother-in-law
I whole heartedly agree with Scott, commentor,#39. Is it not a Jewish woman's responsibility to maintain HER home? Is it not her husband's responsibility to cleave unto her? My mother-in-law passed a few years ago following almost thirty years of unspeakable illness. Her daughter assumed the role of matriarch of their family during her mother's illness and created havoc for my family. I don't ever recall having any kind of relationship with my mother-in-law other than as caretaker. Having a sick family member is stressful enough on a couple's married life, but having an in-law disrupt your lives is unacceptable. I fully agree with Scott who mentions a wife needs her husband's support in HIS family's matters. During the first decade of our marriage while raising three young children, my husband never wanted to confront his family about their behavior. After literally banging my head against the wall, my husband finally sat down with his father and sister and told them how WE both felt. Afterwards, my husband came home and told me that they wouldn't change. He did add, though, that HE WOULD CHANGE. He cleaved unto me and from that moment on, together we no longer tolerated his family's behavior. I regret never having a relationship with my mother-in-law, good or bad. I often wonder today, what kind of mother-in-law I will be in the lives of my children's spouses. As my children approach marriage, I am both happy and ambivalent about what kind of mother-in-law I will be. I often pray that I will only bring love and adulation into their homes and respect their marriages.
(47) nancy, January 14, 2009 12:49 PM
Same situation- I hear ya !
I am in the exact same situation, with a slight difference that my husband thinks his mom is god ! and there is nothign wrong with whatever she says....and instead thinks whatever she says about me to him is completley true, even though he knows she lies 100% of the time ! This is because he was ignored by his mother as a child and now he thinks, by his mother's hatred to me he is actually getting her attention and actually sometimes tries to add fuel to her fire to gain more attention...... I am the scape goat to make the mother realise her love for her son !!! They needed me to get close.....why me?????
(46) Ronni, December 15, 2008 8:46 AM
Suicide?
I lived with a BPD person and that is one miserable existence where you cannot imagine living like that for one more day. Healthy people however, think of how they can change the situation by getting out of there or just learning some coping mechanisms. Going to bed and crying for days when you have a husband and children who depend on you is not a normal response especially since your MIL doesn't even live with you and presumably you know how to lock your door. I don't think this is about your MIL at all but rather your own issues. How in the world can one person that doesn't reside in your home cause suicidal thoughts? You need to learn how to cope with stress and life much better as life is one challenge after the other (usually temporary Thank G-d). Also, I would not count on having your husband deal with your MIL as most people growing up in a home like that still have a childish response to their mothers and cannot be confrontational so you'll have to do it yourself.
(45) Anonymous, December 14, 2008 1:54 PM
be the adult
I too have a MnL who can scream at me for who knows what. I have taken a new response. I just say no. "Mom, you may not scream at me. I need to go now." I have no clue why I did not do this years ago - it works. I feel better. I told her she has to say hello first. Life has improved. Good luck!
(44) Shlome Black, December 13, 2008 5:18 PM
STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS
This title is the name of a book by PAUL T. MASON,M.S. How to take your life back when someone you care about has BPD. The kind of behavior described in the article fits the behavior of BPD . My wife has BPD and I wish I would have come across this book earlier.
(43) DJ, December 13, 2008 3:45 PM
Choosing Consciously
Whether or not the thoughts or feelings go away, the important part is the conscious choice of "its not about me". Usually the thoughts or feelings do continue. Our job is choosing consciously.
(42) agus, December 12, 2008 1:39 PM
ignore her whatever she speak
silent then leave her alone , said to do something else ,bisy or so ,,,,,,,,even lied to her lots times , dont give her any gift ,,,,,,,,love urself , the end
(41) Gary Tolchinsky, December 11, 2008 3:12 PM
Miriam Adahan books
I've found this author's writings very helpful in dealing with interpersonal relationships.
(40) Anonymous, December 10, 2008 10:09 PM
Another possibility
My daughter's "aunt-in-law" was a person like this woman. She made everyone around her miserable. Eventually she died, & her autopsy showed a tumor the size of an orange pressing on her brain. Had we known, it might have made her behavior more bearable. Could it be possible?
(39) Scott, December 10, 2008 5:13 PM
Say this to your mother-in-law
(in a slow, low, clear voice) "You will act respectfully towards me and my children or I will not allow you into my house." At the slightest sign that she is disrespectful, tell her to leave. Be clear, direct and fast. If she does not, physically remove her. Make it clear that you are in charge. Otherwise she will just abuse you verbally forever. She misunderstands who is in charge. You are in charge. She's going to resist because no one has told her previously to shape up. But if she wants to interact with you, your husband and your children, she will have to comply. You are in charge of your own house and children. Your mother in law must behave better towards you. Your husband needs to back you up. Tell him so. If he doesn't, tell him that he needs to show more courage. It is his responsibility. Everything else, and most of what Twerski is writing, are asking for more self-abuse. There's no use seeing it from the mother-in-law's point of view. Just make it clear that she must act respectfully towards you at all times.
(38) Anonymous, December 10, 2008 2:09 PM
Borderlines and "splitting"
I wrote comment #33 and wanted to add something. I noticed your MIL only treats you this way when your husband is not present. My mother has borderline personality disorder (BPD). People with BPD can not handle their own bad feelings about themselves so they "project" them onto others. Often they will split people into "all good" or "all bad". I was the "all bad" child and was subjected to my mother's abuse in private. Subsequently, I really did think I deserved her abuse- that something must be my fault- since others who were split "good" did not see her this way. If your MIL is borderline,when your MIL criticizes you, she really is saying what she fears she is. Also borderlines fear abandonment, and she may be threatened that her son may care for you more than her. Remember though, it is NOT about you. The inner world of a borderline is "all about ME" I always pray to the Almighty to heal her and meet her needs. She has caused a lot of pain, but inside her world, all she knows is pain. However, you are not responsible for your MIL's problems, and you do not need to be the person she projects her pain on to.
(37) NIna, December 10, 2008 1:22 PM
A message to TS
TS, it pained me to read your letter. I'm most concerned by the second to last paragraph. I'm so sorry for the torment that this relationship has injected into your life. It very much sounds like it has led you towards depression. (Sleepless, suicidal thoughts, overwhelming sadness). I hope that you'll be able to find a doctor who can help you with this. No one has commented yet on the ideas you shared regarding suicide. So let me say it very clearly: It is not just while you are young that your children need their mother. It is for their entire life. Perhaps thinking about suicide "one day" after they are grown is nothing more than a coping mechanism. But it needs to be taken seriously. You should know that children who have a parent who have committed suicide are tremendously more likely to commit suicide themselves. Clearly you are a deeply caring and empathetic woman. It is clear that you deeply care about other people and elevating this world. Perhaps this is the challenge that Hashem has given you, to learn to care for yourself as well. It will be difficult, but the Rebbetzin's advice is sound. My father is a psychiatrist, and he's always said regarding relationships, "You can do 100% of the right things, yet that still only effects 50% of the relationship". Meaning, that there are 2 people. It doesn't matter when one person is doing everything right if the other person isn't. She is her own person, and so are you. Regardless of her serious problems, you can only impact your own half of the equation.
(36) Anonymous, December 10, 2008 11:32 AM
OUR TIKKUN
It was amazing for me to read your question. I have a Mother-in-law who would never make an innapropriate comment but there are some facets of her personally which have tormented me for some time. The response was excellent but I would add 1.Daven- H' will help. Beg Him to help you see how best to handle it. 2. After 120 years, you will actually see how EVERYTHING that happens to us is for our best. Life cannot be without suffering, some suffer through illness, poverty, etc. Thank G-d you have a strong marriage and children. I know a number of women who have lost both parents, are not married and childless reaching their late forties. 3. Please notice from the responses that many of us suffer from difficult in-law issues. This is our tikkun- to correct this. Look at Ruth- she followed her Mother-in-law to poverty. Is it any wonder that she is the Grandmother of Moschiach. I promise that in the end you will grow from this- please bring more Simcha into your life and you will see growth from this challenge.
(35) CB, December 10, 2008 11:29 AM
Your MIL is emotionally abusive and your husband is allowing it.
I thought, "This woman has Borderline Personality Disorder" BEFORE I read any of the comments. It has continued this long because she knows your husband won't defend you, so she can get away with it. You need to find a competent frum therapist - you need help and support, in the absence of your husband's protection, which as his wife you do deserve!
(34) Anonymous, December 10, 2008 9:33 AM
Difficult Mothers-in-Law
Evil behavior, whether on an individual level or a national level, can only continue if not confronted. My MIL of 37 years uses and abuses her 4 children because they rarely stand up for themselves and they are constantly arguing with her. All the rest of us who are related to her, however, are much less often on the receiving end of her bad behavior because of the way we approach it and her. We don't take her stuff personally, we respectfully and succinctly let her know when she has crossed a line, we are civil, courteous and kind when in her presence, we don't let her engage us in round after round of arguments, and above all else, we limit our contact with her. There is no grand plan or "conspiracy" on our parts to relate to her in this manner. In fact, our mutual approach to her is never a topic of conversation. It's just something that each of us - from the youngest to the oldest of us - has decided to do. Because my MIL has discovered over time that she can't chronically and habitually mistreat anyone except her children, she has come to learn that she has to watch her actions when around the rest of us. Yes, she sometimes tries to get to one of us, but she doesn't get very far. We simply don't allow it. Ideally, my husband and his siblings should not only be standing up for themselves, they should also be standing up for the rest of us. Unfortunately, they don't. They are paralyzed by their fear of their mother. So we just stand up for ourselves, mostly with our actions and sometimes (when necessary) with our words. The Rebbetzin and the other readers have good advice. I hope that somewhere among all this advice, you will find solutions that are helpful to you, your health, and by extension, your marriage and children. Take care.
(33) Anonymous, December 10, 2008 7:19 AM
Thank you for this article
I understand the feelings of this reader because for years I was driven to tears by my own mother who is mentally ill. I would add that some people can not handle confrontation. My own mother has such serious denial and projection issues that she flies into a rage. Nothing can change her perspective. As a child, I was raised to feel responsible for her feelings. After much prayer,counseling, and study about her disorder, I finally realized as the Rebbetzin so wisely stated: "It's not about me" I wish the reader much strength in dealing with this difficult situation.
(32) Joe, December 10, 2008 3:54 AM
In defense of being confrontational
Respectfully to the rebbitzin's excellent advise, I wish to underscore and emphasize something that she said. Why are you letting this woman be so horrible to you? If you do not stand up for yourself, you will convince yourself that you are a doormat - and you will hate yourself. Respectfully, we need to honor our elders, but the elders need to act as such as well. She is an adult. Her childish antics would not be acceptable in a teen, why should they be for a grown woman? The rebbitzen is correct in that you should realize that it indeed is not about you. However, there is no reason to let this continue to fester either. If she has boundary issues, then (respectfully but firmly and consistently, metaphorically) smack her grubby fingers back where they belong with a ruler when she goes over the line. I think the rebbitzen is correct that your in law will play all innocent and clueless. Some people thrive on being a martyr. Don't feed that. The words "we are both adults and mothers, you know full well that you would hate having someone say thus and such to you - don't expect me to enjoy it either..." are a good opening salvo. Do not cross into the trap of name calling. You are the adult here. Do not fall into the trap of succumbing to her whining or pleading. You are the adult here. If your kids tried those antics, you would see right through them. Stand firm. You do not need to make it a fight. You can simply say "this will not be tolerated." End of argument. No argument. Don't argue. There is amazing power in simply saying "no." Remember that if she acts the child, you are a mother too, and you know how to deal with a surly kid. You have to respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Your husband should be understanding of your feelings and provided that you do not fall down to her level, he should support you.
(31) Anonymous, December 10, 2008 3:20 AM
what about the reverse?
As a mother-in-law I have the opposite, my daughter-in-law is still holding a grudge after over 15 years of marriage. I wish she would just let go and let us get on with life.
If invited over we can''t even make small talk, she just mumbles an answer and gets on with other conversations.
I have stopped giving her presents for her birthday because she never uses them *or* wears them, and maybe she''ll give jewelry to her daughter to wear around the house. example, I bought a necklace which I thought was lovely of the 12 stones representative of the 12 tribes, it cost over 120 sheckels and she never wore it, now I see her duaghter wearing it for around the house. So now she only gets a card and a phone call.
Jay, April 3, 2011 7:31 PM
What about the reverse?
The comments from the above - what does your DIL hold a grudge about? maybe she has good reason to be wary of you and it is the best way she can deal with past events. maybe you should be glad she hasnt retaliated as such. As someone who has a difficult MIL its hard to be around someone who doesnt wish you well and behaved like a spoilt jealous child on previous occasions. You cant expect her to see you the same as a sane friend or relative can you if she knows how badly you are capable of behaving??
(30) Anonymous, December 9, 2008 9:27 AM
"Only 2 kinds of perfect people...."
The rebbetzin is right -- it's not about you. Remember, there are only 2 kinds of perfect people: those that have passed on and in-laws.
(29) Anonymous, December 9, 2008 5:53 AM
thanks
I read your remarks to TS with great interest because I am in a similar situation with my brother's wife. You are right on target, in my case, she's nasty to me because she is jealous, and she has major self esteem issues. Your remark about turning off the lights so you can see outside at night is an incredible way to think of this. I am a thinker, (she is not) and I can control only myself. The obsessive thinking is counterproductive, and her nonsense is not at all about me, it is about her insecurity. I can choose to refuse to let her nastiness poison my otherwise terrific life. Thanks Rebbitzin Twerski. I really appreciate your lucid thinking and advice. I'll take it too.
(28) Tamar, December 8, 2008 7:58 PM
The husband should defend his wife
Your suggestion that the wife should stick up for herself alone against her Mother In Law is pointless, IMO. The son/husband must tell his mother in no uncertain terms that no matter how much he loves her and wants to honor her, he can't tolerate her continued emotional abuse of his wife and lay out his own consequences if his mother doesn't cut it out. My father in law was a bit abusive when I first married and it was only when my husband stood up for me that the relationship improved at all.
(27) jackiemas, December 8, 2008 4:40 PM
bad communications with my grown children
I live alone im 77yrs old and have little contact with my children .I cannot get a sensible answer from either one of them when confronted.I was alway's quit devoted alway's.They refuse any outside help with me to remedy the situation.I have gone alone and was told to give up as they have inner conflicts that they blame me for and to give up and live my life.My undying love for them makes it sad.
(26) Anonymous, December 8, 2008 1:52 PM
had similar issue and got lucky so far
Is your mother in law alone? Sounds like a huge challenge. My mother in law was a nightmare. Nothing I or even her daughter did was right. I told her you need a man your own age to "lovingly" take care of/bother cause I am going to ban you from the house when I'm home if you keep it up. She was upset but realized some truth .I introduced her To a friends father who is a widower. She has many good qualities. she looks good, is intelligent,active and is a good cook and housekeeper which is good for him. He tells me she is a kvetcher[no surprise] but he laughingly said he is a bit hard of hearing and can deal with it plus he likes the positives so this works. When she comes over to our house and she starts in on me or my wife I remind her she has a gentleman friend for that. They are both happy keeping company with each other and for the most part off our back.
(25) KATHRYN, December 8, 2008 1:07 PM
LIMITS
Please consider placing limits on the amount of time you spend with your mother-in-law and always try to have a third person in the room. Palce limits on her behavior just as you might a child. Tell her immediately when she has said something unacceptalbe and END the conversation at that point. Do not discuss anything with her just END the conversation as soon as she is out of bounds. Sound like my mother. She needs limits just like a child.
(24) Suzie, December 8, 2008 12:11 PM
I understand how you feel and really enjoyed reading the response. I have struggled with a very difficult MIL who I believe is mentally ill. I am working on changing my way of thinking about her and my husband and I are making progress in marriage counseling. We don't yet have children, but based on one very abusive incident with her, I have made the decision to limit my contact with her. It is a matter of self-preservation. My husband can spend as much time with her as he likes. But we are finishing our basement to move the guest room downstairs, will limit any visits by her to 3 days max, and I will not be expected to be alone with her. Does your husband stand up for you? If not, you could truly benefit from marriage counseling. So much of my own agony came from not feeling that my husband was on my side as to one awful incident with his mother. Through counseling, we have worked through that and I am building confidence knowing that we are on the "same team" and knowing that we can negotiate agreements to protect me from her in the future.
(23) Anonymous, December 8, 2008 8:02 AM
Been there and done it.
I was in an abusive relationship with a sibling for many years until it was pointed out to me that I was giving her the power to hurt me by taking her actions personally. The moment that I stopped reacting and, eventually, caring, the abuse ended. Elenore Roosevelt's statement regarding inferiority complexes is on the mark as well! Good luck to the writer and thank you Rebbetzin Twerski for your wonderful advice.
(22) Anonymous, December 8, 2008 1:44 AM
Similar story (from a guy)
I just got married. I'm a guy, and my lovely wife's mother seems to hate me. She accuses me of all kinds of things that are not true, she tells lies about me, and after what seems to everybody to have been a very nice visit, she gets mad when I leave, and talks behind my back. After being emotionally abused by my mother-in-law, I have made the decision to protect my self: I will NOT allow her to control my life, or ruin my day no more. I take my life back. While I encourage my wife to honor her parents, and be close to them, they have (unfortunately) left me with no option: I must keep a respectful distance, avoid visiting them and not getting too involved when I do see them. Life is precious, serve God and keeps His commandments. Your husband and children will ALWAYS need you.
(21) Anonymous, December 8, 2008 12:45 AM
MIL is DANGEROUS to your mental health and your marriage
I had a similar situation with an abusive mother-in-law. It was torture. My husband, abusive himself, stood up for her! When I finally got the good sense to divorce him, she cut me off completely, so I got the added bonus of being free from her as well. It was one of the best things I ever did. If you love your husband and he cares for you, work immediately to save your sanity and your marriage, and get this poisonous person OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
(20) John Shore, December 7, 2008 8:56 PM
best answer
The most important advice was left off the answer. The abused should immediately began a daily prayer session asking HaShem to begin to minister to the mother-in-law's needs. She will be amazed how much it helps her as well as the mother-in-law.
(19) Frimit Mirocznik, December 7, 2008 7:50 PM
Record the mother-in law
I would tape or record what she says to me and then play it back to the husband and to her as well. Sometimes people are not aware of what they are saying. Before going to counseling It is also sometimes wise to go to a Rabbi that she respects, or even a Bais Din and see their imput.
(18) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 7:17 PM
Another Option
If all the above doesn't work, there is another option. Avoid her visits, or make them as short as possible. Tell your husband that you've reached the end of your tether, and he has to help and support you. Send the children and your husband as often as necessary to visit your mother-in-law, but you stay home. I bet you could use the "me" time. The problem isn't with you - don't blame yourself for this choice either. Your sanity is much more important than a visit risking another dose of depression. If it will make you feel better - it is possible to get past this. I know, I did.
(17) Barry E Lerner, December 7, 2008 7:05 PM
update
Will we ever be informed of the eventual outcome of the writer's situation?
(16) Susan, December 7, 2008 7:03 PM
Life
Dear One, your children will always need you. Mine are grown and they need me on a whole different level. I hope you will see that. I have my own life to live but have them to share it with. Taking one's life is never an option. I love what Rebbetzin Feige has to say to you.Susan
(15) raisy, December 7, 2008 6:59 PM
borderline personality disorder
Heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? Sounds like your mother-in-law qualifies. And yes, abuse such as the kind she doles out, can make the victim--if she has poor self-esteem or unsupportive spouse/family--feel immense dispair. Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" may help.
(14) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 6:54 PM
self preservation is the key
The second half of the article is the most salient one. You must confront her in a direct fashion and and if she will not change, then you must limit contact. If she lives near you, plan to move. I went through a similar thing and I had the same feelings too about suicide becuz my husband was not supportive. After 21 years he is finally supportive and his mom moved away. It made the difference
(13) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 4:37 PM
it really is emotional abuse from husband
This same kind of thing happened to me. I didn't take it personal for twenty years. THAT DOESN'T WORK. Read AISH's other works on how a husband needs to support his wife over his mother! According to an abuse wheel using other people to torment your spouse is emotional abuse. My mother in law used to pinch me step on my toes, scream at me and yet all the while was a saint in front of my husband. my point is if the mother in law is so disrespectful to her daughter-in-law the relationship is not essential. On the other hand a relationship with her husband is essential. Therefore the mother in law must behavior according to the wife's stated boundaries. I consider that this advice is abusive and perpetuates abuse. The wife's feelings and experiences matter. If they don't then question the husband wife relationship. The husband needs a good talking to with his mother. Mine FINALLY did, and it saved our marriage. Without the husband holding his mother to appropriate behavior she doesn't have a intimate relationship - its emotional abuse!
(12) shaul, December 7, 2008 3:31 PM
Mother in law of who
Excellent advice, will consider it whenever I see that i am quickly being pushed down the hill. My question is, most 'mother in law' questions focus on the mother of the guy,,,there are those of us who have 'mother in law' problems that are about the mother of the gal.. How about helping us?
(11) Beth, December 7, 2008 3:01 PM
Where is the husband/son?
I'm disappointed that not once was it suggested that the husband come to his wife's aid. The first thing I noted in the wife's letter was that this misbehavior only occurred when the husband/son was not present. This led me to the conclusion that the mother is fully aware that her actions are unacceptable, since she is able to keep herself in check when her son is present, and let loose when he is not. My immediate thought was that the couple should simply agree that they will always be together when the mother is present, which will encourage her to be on her best behavior when they are together. Secondly, after 23 years of marriage, I have found that my husband is my greatest champion and intermediary with his parents. I don't internalize my in-laws' behavior as this woman does, but still find it difficult to accept impolite or disrespectful behavior (which fortunately is very infrequent). Whenever I have had a problem with my in-laws, all I've needed to do is share my frustration with my husband, he immediately picks up the phone, calls his mother, and asks her to make the necessary adjustments to her behavior. Likewise, I have done the same for him with my own parents. I can't begin to imagine how this poor woman feels, if she doesn't even have her husband standing by her side when dealing with this woman.
(10) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 2:51 PM
husband should advocate
Your husband should advocate for you, he should confront his mother (regardless of whether he thinks you are overreacting) and tell her she needs to speak more civil. You in turn, do not need to make efforts to have her over. Also, you need to know that she will not change who she is but she can extend to you the same courtesy she would for a total stranger. You in turn are obligated to be respectful, not ever spiteful. You and your husband must be a united team and show her respect but not be willing to accept abuse, when she disrespects you she is disrespecting your husband too.
(9) Barry E Lerner, December 7, 2008 12:32 PM
Universal application of this wisdom
What a powerful statement: "Emotionally driven behaviors do not respond to logical analysis." Would that our politicians, both national and in Jewish organizatons, could understand and internalize this. Then we wouldn't have the unending suggestions that we just talk to the Arabs, sit down and negotiate with them, make yet more concessions to mollify them, etc. We wouldn't have the utterly ineffectual PR put out by Jewish organizations, always defensive, who don't realize that it's not about us, it's the emotionally driven religious fanatics who cannot be reasoned with. Lunatic groups like Hamas have power over us because we permit it, we should instead respond to them not with the force of logic, which is irrelevant, but with the force of arms. There can be no eventual peace until this happens.
(8) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 11:53 AM
Where is the husband?
Her husband should stand up to his mother. I had the same type of hateful mother in law who was driving me crazy and telling our 5 year old daughter snide remarks about me. My husband had the guts to stand up to her when she walked into our house, unannounced, without ringing the bell. He told her that her attitude was unacceptable in our home and for her to leave and not come back unless invited and he would no longer tolerate her awful, domineering behavior. She was not allowed access to our daughter alone. When my father in law agreed with my husband -- she divorced him! For many years we never saw her or heard from her and it was so pleasant. It was not until she had a heart attack and a stroke that she called my husband, and we saw that she had the best of care until she passed. What a shame that spite and hatefulness can isolate a family member. She never saw our oldest daughter grow up or spend any time with our second daughter -- she does not know what she missed. She thought her spite was hurting us -- when actually she was the one who lost the most joyful years of a grandparents life. My father in law was wonderful and the girls loved him. My parents were wonderful and made the girls feel loved. They are better off not having been exposed to spite and bitterness and angry words. Stand up to those people who make your life miserable -- life's too short and wonderful to have toxic people in it.
(7) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 11:30 AM
BPD
It sounds like she has bourder-line personality disorder. You should read up on it to get some tips for dealing with her. Wishing you lots of luck.
(6) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 11:24 AM
I can relate...
Hi TS, Although not specifically with my mother-in-law. Your MIL sounds like she has some pronounced mental health issues. One thing I have found to help me stand up for myself to the crazies in this world is some over-the-counter iodine. It opens up the 5th chakra (throat) and allows you to speak more freely. Be careful. It also helps me have more of a sense of well being so that others who are obviously ill at some level do not get to me as much. May you all be happy, peaceful and free.
(5) Verna Black, December 7, 2008 11:00 AM
Aggravating mother in law
I would not allow her into my home with her type of behavior. Who needs a relative who displays poor taste to a daughter in law with the talents you have. One sorry no thank you will help her bite her tongue or go away "sucking her thumb". Life is too short for a nudnick like this.
(4) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 10:45 AM
It really "wasn't about me"
When I got married 37 years ago, in Israel, my mother-in-law used to come over to our place, uninvited, many times while I was at work. She always complained about my housekeeping, and told me I wasn't a good 'balabusta'. I thought she was probably right and I always tried to take her advice. Then, one day she told me in advance that she was coming and I cleaned everything, just to see what she would say, whether she would actually compliment me. She walked in, looked around, and said, "Don't you ever wash the windows?" I knew then that it didn't matter what I did...as you say, it 'wasn't about me'. After that, I listened to what she said, but never took it personally, and we got along fine. In fact she used to complain sometimes that I would always listen to her, and then do what I wanted, which was actually true. We eventually got to like each other, and had many similar interests...as long as I remembered to ignore her comments. I noticed that it really wasn't personal 'not about me', because she made biting comments to (and about) many other people.
(3) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 9:43 AM
consider the source
I once attended a business seminar on how to deal with difficult people. The presenter gave the following scenario: You are walking down the street when suddenly, someone calls out your name and curses you. You look around and realize that it is Mrs Smith calling out from a window of the insane asylum. You choose to ignore the remark, because, after all, she is crazy. The point is, you have CHOSEN to ignore the remark from Mrs Smith, and you can CHOOSE to ignore a similar remark from your mother-in-law, or even from your spouse. That said, this woman's husband needs to uninvite his mother from their home, at least until she can be civil to his wife. When my daughter was young, my dad , during his visits, would disparage the version of the Bible I used. Worse yet, he sometimes used the "N" word. I calmly but firmly told my dad that I would not have the "N" word used in front of my daughter, and that I was tired of hearing his disparaging remarks about what Bible I used. I told him it was better if he didn't come to my house. I made it clear that I loved him, but that his behavior was unaccepable in my home. We kept in touch, but he didn't visit for a year or two, and when we did resume visits from him, I never once heard either the "N" word or any comments about my Bible from him. If I had, he would have been banned from my house indefinitely.
(2) Dr. Miriam Adahan, December 7, 2008 9:41 AM
Rebbetzin Feigi doesn't know what it's like to deal with a verbal terrorist.
Obviously, Rebbetzin Feigi does not know how it feels to be targeted by a Borderline. It's like living with Kassam rockets day in and day out. To be told that you can cope by simply changing your attitude is like telling the citizens of Sderot that they have a choice to be affected or not. This poor mother is obviously being undermined - physically and emotionally. I suggest this woman see my recent articles on BORDERLINE parents on my web site - www.adahan-online.com. She will get the compassion and understanding that she needs. Not everyone has the inner strength to deal with mentally ill people, and this mother in law is definitely in that category. I have seen numerous divorces and even know of two suicides due to such mother-in-laws. This mother in law wants her son all to herself. And she will stop at nothing in order to achieving her goal. THIS WOMAN IS DANGEROUS. It is not about attitude. It is about stopping abuse. Psychologists are very often far too optimistic in believing that all a victim has to do is change his/her attitude and everything will be fine. This poor daughter-in-law can change her attitude and be compassionate only if she gets far away!
(1) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 9:30 AM
difficult mothers- inlaw
you need a thearpist immeadiately. ! this women has too much power . you need therapist who can see both sides . your husband does not seem too understand your suffering .you owe to your children and mostly yourself. i have been there myself.