Dear Rebbetzin,
Growing up, I always viewed my mother as an unusually intelligent woman and valued her advice and perspective. It's now more than a decade that I've been married and living outside of her home, and I realize that something disturbing has been happening.
I'm employed in a demanding and fulfilling job that has encouraged me to develop in many ways, notably in the area of interpersonal skills. Since my job includes some managerial tasks, over the years I have gained a good sense of how to motivate a team, how to speak to people respectfully, how to get subordinates to carry out tasks without feeling that they are being dictated to, what to say to colleagues and more importantly, what not to say.
As I've gained these skills I've noticed that my mother is not quite as erudite as I used to think. She is very quick to voice criticism. She has given me some business advice that would have been disastrous had I implemented it. She tends to use an aggressive and threatening approach instead of a motivational, positive approach when dealing with a crisis, and she has said some very hurtful things to and about her close relatives.
Knowledge is a wonderful thing, but interpersonal skills are absolutely vital. How do I maintain my respect for my mother when it has become clear to me that she falls short in the vital area of interpersonal relationships? Your advice would be appreciated.
Dear Reader,
To begin with, it is important to note that the Torah, in its exhortation as stated in the Ten Commandments, "Honor your mother and your father," does not require us to think highly of our parents or to have positive emotions towards them. Rather, what is demanded of us is a behavioral expression of honor and reverence.
Jewish law is very specific in delineating our behavioral responsibilities. We are obligated to attend to our parents' needs, i.e. make sure they have food, shelter and transportation, etc. We must not speak disrespectfully or contradict them (though we don't have to necessarily agree with what they have to say). We are enjoined from sitting in a chair or seat specifically designated as theirs, and we should rise when they enter the room. In terms of discharging your Torah obligations to your mother, my dear reader, feelings are by and large irrelevant.
Having said that, every child, nonetheless has an innate deep rooted need (however unrealistic) to see their parents as perfect. As a result, it is indeed a rude awakening when we grow up and find that in reality our parents are human and flawed like the rest of mankind. We are terribly disappointed and have a difficult time coming to terms with their shortcomings and flaws.
The faults that we become aware of should not negate our parents' positive qualities.
Be careful not to "throw out the baby with the bath water." The faults that we become aware of should not negate our parents' positive qualities and the impact they have made in our lives. Gratitude is of the essence and must be invoked! We dare not dismiss or deny the years of devotion. After all, they raised us, nurtured us, and provided for us. They saw us through sleepless nights and illnesses, soothing our hurts, celebrating our milestones, and taking joy in our achievements. They were there with love, care, concern and often with unheralded self sacrifice. Allow the good that she has done to temper the tone of your current judgment.
Judging Others
Someone once commented that she was a great mother until she had children. Consider the following scenario: Sarah, the second of six children, was very attached to home. In contrast to her older sister who delighted at the opportunity to leave the nest and spread her wings, Sarah had a difficult time with separations. Eventually, Sarah married and settled at a distance from home. In the ensuing years, despite a considerable family of her own, she insisted on coming home for the holidays, crew in tow. Her younger siblings, who had by now come of age, married and also had children, thought it was their time to be hosted at the "ranch." The rumblings grew louder and finally Sarah had to face the handwriting on the wall. It was time for her to stay home and fend for herself. She was nothing short of devastated and resented everyone, especially (surprise) her mother.
Having no choice, she proceeded with holiday preparations. She shopped, cleaned, cooked, baked, etc. At the conclusion of the holiday, she phoned her mother, and with new found admiration in her voice exclaimed, "Mom, you didn't tell me how labor intensive and demanding a job this holiday business is. I'm exhausted. I never realized how hard you worked." The level of awe for her mother multiplied manifold times when Sarah found herself in the season where her own married children descended upon her for the holidays. In Sarah's estimation, her mother was elevated from a woman she had once wrongfully resented to a true hero.
The expression in Hebrew is, "There is no wise person like the one who has been tested and informed by experience." From a distance, without the benefit of a shared experience, one can be judgmental, but finding oneself in the same boat, judgment quickly dissipates, replaced with empathy and respect.
The Mishna wisely advises that we not "judge other until we reach their place – the space they occupy." The space a person occupies, his or her context of life, is determined by a myriad of very complex factors, all of which shape and mold the person.
Undoubtedly your mother, like all of us, is a composite of the nature/nurture phenomenon. Far be it for any human to assume knowledge of another -- what they might or should be. Only God, the Omniscient, knows the heart and soul of each individual -- his trials and tribulations, his inner conflicts, his demons and his struggles. And, only God knows the full measure of the inner resources available to any particular individual with which life's battles may be fought. Hence, dear reader, only God is in the position to judge us and hold us accountable for what we did or did not do, our commissions or omissions, our deeds or misdeeds. Humans can never apprehend nor occupy the "space" of another.
Who is in the position to cast aspersions or pass judgment upon another human being?
Who is in the position to cast aspersions or pass judgment upon another human being? We have to assume that everyone comes from his or her space and does the best he or she can.
Crippled
Consider the following scenario: Sheri called, hysterical over yet another hurtful encounter with her mother. She couldn't come to terms with what she perceived as her mother's unprovoked embarrassing and ill-conceived behavior. I asked Sheri if she would take issue with a cripple for not getting up and standing on his own two feet. She replied that obviously it would be foolish since it was beyond his capacity to do so. I suggested that an emotional cripple is no less incapacitated than an individual with a physical disability. Clearly, a healthy person would not present the behaviors she described. It was evident that her mother was not coming from a place of well-being.
Emotional deficiencies are not a matter of volition and are certainly no less crippling than physical ones. The difference is that the physical imperfections are external and clearly visible, and as such evoke sympathy and empathy. On the other hand, the emotional blemishes, not being apparent, are often misconstrued as something that can be more easily rectified with effort or determination. Recognizing that her mother's emotional insufficiency was driving this aberrant behavior, thereby "crippling" her, helped Sheri become more understanding.
Dear reader, you shared that your mother is highly intelligent, a resource she obviously possesses. Unfortunately, intelligence doesn't always translate into effective interactions. Nonetheless, you have been the beneficiary of that intelligence throughout your life. While "standing on the shoulder of a giant (your mother)," you have managed to reach ever higher levels, for example, your great achievements utilizing heightened communication skills. So don't marginalize your mother's contribution toward your achievements. Rather, give her credit for enabling you, and perhaps in a non-threatening way, you might put your skills to the test, chiseling away ever so gently with love and tenderness, the edginess in her personality that offends you.
In conclusion, my dear reader, I would recommend the following:
1. Fulfill your Torah-mandated responsibilities – act with honor and respect, regardless of any contradictory feelings you may have.
2. Focus on your mother's strengths even as you acknowledge her weaknesses.
3. Be mindful of the fact that she raised you and perforce help you become the person you are. Gratitude must be invoked and expressed.
4. Recognize that the space one occupies in life is formed and shaped by many forces and influences, some beyond one's control. The person emerging is the product of that space. Our being in that specific space, in another's shoes, so to speak, is required to fully understand that human being. Since that is impossible, one dare not assume the role of judge and jury. Charity, empathy and understanding is far more desirable and appropriate.
5. Departures from appropriate behavior are driven by emotional insufficiencies that are as crippling as physical disabilities. A paradigm shift in how you think and view the situation can make a very big difference.
6. Finally, thank God you are not locked into similar limitations and that you do have the wherewithal to occupy a healthier space and to flourish.
(39) Anonymous, May 29, 2016 9:49 AM
Adult son cuts mother off
My friend's adult son has cut her off. As you say, she has done much good for him, but has also harmed him. She has bipolar disorder. The mother cannot bear it. How can she be helped?
(38) Anonymous, March 22, 2016 12:57 PM
So many therapist do the opposite of what is suggested here - why???
If a child has issues and needs to be empowered that is great - but why put down parents - especially mother or single mothers who kept on going as best as they could in order to bring up the child and BEZ"H marry them off
It is OK for the child to do better than the mother - I think ANY parent will tell u that - but now that they are married it is sometimes like - BYE MOM - have a nice life and just keep on giving and we can be as ungrateful as ever
Why do some therapists encourage this???
Anonymous, May 23, 2016 7:57 AM
I agree 100% - I am also a single mother who is suffering now
I am not sure it is only the therapist fault - the child has to agree to accept the therapist's suggestion
She (he) has a right to tell the therapist that they don't want to hurt the parent - just know how to "take it" and they also have a choice to go to another - more Torah oriented therapist - who act completely different
(37) lucy, January 26, 2010 6:08 PM
Reconciled too late...
Some good advice... "I realize now, there is never a good reason to be estranged from family, by choice, ever. Agree to disagree but don't turn your upset, anger or disagreement with your parents into something it's not. Don't make it bigger than it is because you need to prove them wrong. Don't walk away. I wasted years angry at my parents. For what? Imagining scenario after scenario, assuming this or that based on what others said, because I needed to be right. Time is the one thing I no longer have the luxury of now. Life is too short for Resentments and Grudges. Forgive and be Grateful. Love them today. "
(36) Naomi, December 27, 2009 4:58 PM
Wow! Maybe NOW i can talk to my mom morerespectfully
Your comments about a physically crippled person versus an emotional cripple struck me hard! i will try to have more compassion towards my mother because of your words. i may have to read this article every single day to stay on track! I will do this!THank you so much!
(35) Anonymous, October 28, 2009 12:01 AM
my mother
My mother is someone i know i should respect but i find it very difficult to do so. She is the opposite in most area of what i want to be when im older. Shes socially awkward. At a meal she is the one who will sit at the end of the table not speaking and even when someone tries to make conversation with her she struggles to hold the conversation.She panicks alot when dealing with difficult situations and cant make decitions for her self and constantly asks me for advice on cloethes and other things. I find it so hard to treat her with respect, especially when my older siblings dont either. i just dont have the patience for her. ive gone throguh stages when im really good and try and invovle her in my life, but there are times when its just too much like now. i have totally given up its awful and i am so rude towards her. i cant help but think that she needs me more than i need her, and i just dont think im at a state that i can help her. Reading this article has helped me abit by making me reealsie that its not really her fault its like a blind man, and expecting him to see me when i wave. i have to get rid of all expectaions. i have to try and be polite to her as it is in the ten commandments. i dont have to want to be like her and i dont have to adore the way she is. i just have to show respect and not snap at her beacuse its just not her fault. she is really sweetand is always there for me, if i even have a head ach she will sit up with me all night till i fall asleep. Thanks for helping me see the bigger picture and letting me know there are others out there who have difficult mothers too and that im not alone.
(34) debbie rosa, August 18, 2009 12:21 PM
mother in law
thak you for your insight. after many hurtful incidents from my mother, i have learnt to try to get over them as soon as possible and instead keep in my mind all the good she has done and does do for me instead. my question is how should my husband react? he is very protective of me and furious with my mom over the latest incident. is he torah-bound to honor a mother-in-law?
(33) dm, July 26, 2009 12:07 PM
compassion for the crippled/disabled
I have almost always had a very rocky relationship with my mom. The major change came for me when a rabbi told me essentially what Reb. Twersky said about being crippled. You cannot expect someone with a disability to do the impossible - for a blind man to say hello when you wave to him from across the street, for a deaf man to answer when you speak and his back is turned. If you know that someone has violent spasms, you are not angry if they hit you when their whole body is flailing outside of their control. If you are physically hurt, the bruise will still be there, but you cannot be angry with him. So too on an emotional level. I recognize all the times that my mother has hurt me, but I acknowledge that it is not within her ability to act differently. Yes, I still get hurt sometimes, but I do not blame her. In fact, I realized that most of my good qualities come from her - from setting out to be her opposite in those areas. And there are some good things that I learned from her as well. I maintain a relationship by trying not to take anything personally, and keeping the conversation to non-sensitive subjects. I ask her advice about things that don't really matter to me, but the important life decisions I make without her input, and simply inform her of the result.
(32) Anonymous, July 6, 2009 4:40 PM
Thank you Leah!
Leah – Thank you! I will buy that book today. I’ve thought of it but have been hesitant for some reason. I am overcome with guilt at having learned many positive things from my mother but am conflicted about her Jekyll & Hyde behavior. I need to come to terms with my feelings and stop the resentment at what will never be before it’s too late. Thank you for writing - you have been so helpful.
(31) arleen, June 16, 2009 10:11 AM
Excellent article
Thanks for the wonderful reminder that I hope to use in my life.
(30) Anonymous, June 15, 2009 1:22 AM
I just had to share that reading this article reinforced the "correctness" of the path I learned to travel when I cared for my sick mother. She was always a difficult person to be around, but raised 4 basically successful children mostly on her own. We learned to be independent, perhaps not because it was the right thing, but more to escape our difficult home. When she became chronically ill, being around her only became more difficult to bear. I learned through reading Torah & many articles on Aish.com, not to take some of her words & behavior personally & was able to share this with my siblings when her hurtful words were directed at them. When she passed, despite the obvious sadness of not having had a good relationship with her, I understood that the one thing she was successful in imparting to my siblings & I, is how important family is. No matter how difficult our sibling relationships can sometimes be, we always seem to come together around the children in our lives. Our roles as Aunts, Uncles, Mom's & Dad's were formed by our mother's insistence that family should always come first. The irony of this difficult & at times traumatic upbringing, is that when she passed, all 4 of her children cried together at her bedside. Thank you for this wonderful article & website.
(29) pierrette, June 13, 2009 11:38 AM
My mother..
It was''t till I wrote a memoir about my early life in Algeria, where I worked from the age of twelve in my parents saloon, that I realized how far short of a perfect parents was! While she got up at night to treat the neighbors afflicted with virulent diseases like Meningitis, Thyphoid fever, Thyphus, (never charging anyone) she thought of nothing of sending me to school disheveled and unkempt!My father on the other hand was always there for me, teaching me most of the attributes I enjoy today, like courage, honesty, lack of prejudices towrds ohers religions, the day dosn''t''go by that I don''t think of him. Now I have raised six children, all of whom I am very proud of, but it would be interresting to know what they really think of me..on the other hand, better not ask! ha ha
(28) A.M., June 12, 2009 7:39 AM
Are they taking medications?
Moms might ask the same question regarding their daughter's. I had the experience of a child put on several medications that changed who she was and as a result fractured the relationship between us. Took me years to figure it out so be aware mother's, it may not be about you but how they perceive you while on these brain altering medications. No one seems to take this fact into account, occurring more and more, as the culprit in destroying relationships within families and with spouses.
(27) SusnE, June 11, 2009 6:59 PM
Teach Your Mother the Skills You Have learned.
The lady didn't realize her Mothers interpersonal relationship failing until she went into the world and learned about her own. She had to learn how to deal with people and how to manage and how to be sucessful with other people. Mother hasn't changed, the daughter has. Daughter could teach (lovingly) some of these things that she has learned to her Mother. We're never too old to learn from our children.
(26) Susan, June 11, 2009 7:52 AM
Attitude Adjustment
These thoughts helped me to shift MY attitude towards Mom [and Dad]: It's not possible to listen - the situation, event, circumstance, or person newly and openly in the moment when I only hear the voice of MY own predefined opinions, interpretations, assigned meaning, certainties, positions, beliefs, concepts, and what I already know to be true. I hear it before anything else. Werner Erhard calls it the already always listening. It's inflexible. It's uncreative. It's on automatic. It drowns out newness, generosity, and possibility. Listening my Mom from an open, non-judgemental natural listening, I got - it's not what people share which contributes. Rather, it's that they share at all which contributes. ======= Those men and women who initiate a conversation for the possibility of being complete with their parents, don't have as far to go to complete with their parents as men and women who don't initiate a conversation for the possibility of being complete with their parents. Being complete with your parents is being OK with them the way they are, however it is they are, and being OK with them the way they aren't, however it is they aren't. If you're not OK with your parents the way they are and they way they aren't, you can't be complete with them. The degree to which you're incomplete with your parents is the degree to which your life can't ever be 100% totally transformed. ~ Laurence Platt
(25) Leah, June 11, 2009 5:48 AM
Responding to comment #23 to my post of #13
It's funny, I figured I would just look again at the article and you had typed a question.I am glad that I looked at this article again. Yes, it was a long haul- it took years. Also, I was not frum and then became frum, so there were other perameters in recovery. I think the main things that helped me where that I got for myself a rav (like it says , I believe, in Pikei Avos. Ok, then I went for counseling with a social worker/therapist. Also, there is an excellent book by Dr. Laura which for me sealed my changes and really made them take off/excell. It was like the therapy was nice, yet in therapy unfortunately what is typical is that they let you ultimately decide and in some ways this is good and in some ways it is not pointed enough.That title of the book is, "Bad childhood, Good life." She is an excellent person whom I think blatantly points people in the direction that I believe is most needed where as my therapy (twice) helped,yet never sealed it in my head to get me to really make strides. What she did was give me the permission in one of her chapters, to recognize that I do not love my mother. From there, I actually was able to address this guilt and then move on to the point that I am actually able to love my mother from a Jewish perspective and not from an unhealthy perspective of being forced to (guilting and shaming). My parents in many ways are the same, yet I have changed their behavior around me having learned how to hold up this imaginary stop sign and saying that yes, I have respect for you, yet, the Torah says such and such behavior is abusive and it guides me to reject this behavior- not the person. Of course there are some behaviors that require completely walking away and someone should consult their rabbi for these perspectives as I am not a rav and cannot give advice like this. The relationship is not perfect yet it is what it is and I think the best part is that I am comfortable in my own skin, and am no longer a closure oriented person (trying to solve everything in 2 seconds flat and staying up all night waiting for solutions to problems.) Be well and I hope you find peace and make healthy strides.
(24) Jane, June 10, 2009 6:26 PM
Some of us mature, others do not
When we accept our parents as humans with sparks of holiness despite their struggles and faults (as defined by us), we have finally grown up. Imagine your mother's tears when she knows that you do not hold her in high regard, or respect her, or maybe not even love her. You think your pain is great? Most likely, she would never want you to suffer as she has suffered. Even a loving mother can be viewed as deficient. And, sometimes mothers who seem awful are very loved. Life and people are not predictable. We must hope for our children's love while we are confident of HaShem's. Interesting article and comments.
(23) Anonymous, June 10, 2009 2:40 PM
to Anoymous - response #13
To Anon poster response #13 - how did you do this? How have you managed to separate the abuse from the good? I'm not there and my therapist isn't helping.
(22) Madelyn, June 10, 2009 11:59 AM
NEVER shut the door!
God tells us he will never shut the door on us so why do we think we have the right to shut the door or cut off family completely? I was told, short of severe child abuse, there is really no good reason not to work differences out with adult discussion and NEVER jump to conclusions before doing so. Agree to disagree but NEVER shut the door just as we would not want our kids, or God, to shut the door on us. It's respect for oneself to do this as well as showing respect for others.
(21) Sarah, June 9, 2009 11:59 AM
There are some mother daughter relationships that are very controlling, especially an over zealot mother. When such an observation is made, then,one always must leave ample room for separation and personal growth. Sometime the domination is also present in another generation, and has a hold on the individual. When some do not want to resemble neither our mothers on mothers- in laws, this may appear as not caring, maybe, but love has to also be, knowing when to let go. When we see our offspring living a life of not only good deeds but also great achievements for their young age, we daily rejoice. Realizing that the foundation they received will not be shaken or destroyed no matter what obstacles they encounter in their daily lives. So, it's not a lack of respect, but a desire to be free from obligations.
(20) Anonymous, June 9, 2009 9:01 AM
Understanding to understand.
This article opened my eyes to how my son's feel and acted toward me when they graduated from Law School. They became angry with me and rude. Somewhere alone the line I suppose they are disappointed in me. But, that is their problem. I raised them alone, I lost my husband when the 2nd child was 5. I built a career in Fashion then Media, But, they were always first-I never missed a home game or PTA meeting and they lacked for nothing. One voiced anger that I didn't remarry, when they were boys, which I feel is my choice alone. The other is still angry that he had no choice in his circumcision, which I did to obey the law. I am advised that my son's are spoiled! As most children who have parents like us that give, and give to protect, encourage,develop and prepare our children. Look around at the poor children without the love and nurturing we have given. They don't get to Law school, that's for sure! Children do not grow up until they become parents. So, I will sit and wait, with my new husband and watch them do a better job then I. And hear what their children will say...:)Every generation has this problem. It is best to honor the Commandments and call it a day. Honor thy Mother and Father!!!!!! Which means to respect them, no one is perfect, but you are accomplished because of your Parent'(s). Work on yourself, that should keep you busy enough not to look down your nose at your loving parents.
(19) Anonymous, June 9, 2009 5:33 AM
I feel as though you wrote this article just for me! You answered many questions I have had for a long time. Thank you, you have helped me so much.
(18) tracy, June 8, 2009 2:42 PM
thank you
this is what i needed to hear. i am crying because this has touched me in a way that helps to sooth the anger and resentment i myself have for my mother. i am grateful for the loving home my mother gave me. i understand that she is in a place mentally and emotionally that i am grateful not to be in, and i am thankful for this article to help me see mer in another light. thank you.
(17) michelle g, June 8, 2009 2:07 PM
Too bad parents are given a bad rap today.
Parents and In Laws are not very popular these days
(16) Anonymous, June 8, 2009 12:57 PM
Relationship cut short for the better
I also came from an abusive and somewhat neglectful home also very full of emotional issues. Despite that, on the other side of the coin there was a very special family unit underneath all that, which has left me today with many valuable memories and lessons which I hold dearly. However, for me, the best decision I have come to, for my personal circumstance and emotional well being was to completely shut the door, end the relationship with my mother and not have contact. I now feel safe, and feel free (from fear, ups and downs), and I am no longer scared. She can no longer "hurt me". I do not regret my decision. In fact I am more sane and feel secure in my life without it. But I had to completly shut the door. In this type of case, one cannot keep it a little ajar.
(15) Karen, June 8, 2009 8:21 AM
Two pieces of advice I adhere to when I am tempted to judge, and condemn another for their short comings, based on circumstantial evidence are: "Things are not always as they seem" and "Give others the benefit of the doubt as you want to be given to you". It's amazing, but just bringing them to mind shifts your perspective. When your perspective changes, your attitude changes, especially in your relationships with family and friends. This shift in your attitude makes it easier to do what is right rather than hang onto the notion you need to be right about them or the situation!
(14) Margaret, June 8, 2009 3:01 AM
Dear Complainant I certainly share some of your mother's faults and each day I thank God for the beautiful children and grand children given me. I forget that my daughter is 35 years old and my son 33 - both married with children of their own and I do want to reprimand, give advice (needed or not) - in the real they are still my 'Babies' - but know what, with our love for each other and the gratitude I extend daily, helps us to overcome those trivial normal mother vs children issues - have hunour, love and gratitude and you'll see, it will work out just fine. Not one person is infallable - not even you.
(13) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 7:40 PM
Yes, it is a very helpful article. It is a difficult subject. I came from an abusive and neglectful home so full of emotional illnesses that it took me many decades to be the person that I am today. I needed help and guidance to see the issues that my parents had and to see how exactly these issues affected me and what is was that I needed to get over them and move on. I am now at the point that I can respect my mother in her presence. It is difficult sometimes on the phone. Yet, when she comes to visit she remarks that I treat her like a queen. I no longer feel like I am emotionally giving up something / or some part of me by giving to her.
(12) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 5:11 PM
When I was pointing out my spouse's faults someone wisely told me just because he doesn't criticize me doesn't mean I am perfect. How would we who is judging feel if someone took a fine toothed comb to us
(11) Maryanne, June 7, 2009 3:47 PM
This makes me feel better
I grew up in a home where my father found his parents and several siblings killed by the Nazi's during WWII. He has never sought help and was a very angry man. I gave him multiple chances to become a better father and person but he hurt me more each time. I had finally came to the conclusion he is not going to change so I had ton cut ties with him. When people would ask me why I would tell them that it was between him and I and refused to maliciously speak ill of him. He on the other hand spoke badly of me. I kept not retaliating and have not to this very day and hope he will one day change. Last time I spoke to a family friend he was no different than he was in the past.
(10) Sara, June 7, 2009 1:12 PM
Thank You!
Thank you for your helpful advice!
(9) Mary, June 7, 2009 12:51 PM
Sounds good to me.
A psychiatrist(?) on radio this week stated that parents are a success if they hand their children half the burden that their parents handed them. Sounds good to me.
(8) Sara, June 7, 2009 12:44 PM
I'm with you
I always grew up thinking my mother was perfect, but over the past two years, since I've been married, I've realized that isn't the case. It's been very hard for me to swallow, but this article does help.
(7) Sarah, June 7, 2009 12:15 PM
Wisdom
So much wisdom in this. It's true that most of us are just doing the best we can. We're all better off to focus on compassion rather than judgement, for none of us is all knowing. I had some ill feelings towards my own mom last week, and it really upset me to feel that way. The words in the article really helped, and it's great to be reminded of all the sacrifices my mom has made for me, and when looking at the whole picture, I see what a strong woman she really is.
(6) Harry, June 7, 2009 11:50 AM
Superiority
I thought the Rebbitzen's counsel was holy, insightful and compassionate -now comes my two cents. My mother was a holocaust survivor crackpot. No need for details. You out there know what I'm talking about. My love for my mother blossomed when I was mature enough to admit I was no better than she. That I was in some ways, emotional not well. Just like she was. When I forgave myself, I forgave her...for everything. Everything from birth to her passing My life is better becuase of this and I can be a better parent. I Thank God everyday for love and wisdom, and that she was my crackpot!
(5) Shelley, June 7, 2009 11:36 AM
Thanks for a very timely article.
I've spent the past several weeks trying to come to terms with a recent "blow out" with my mother. She's in her late 70's, I'm 50. She lives in the US, I live in Israel. I made the unfortunate mistake of calling her when I was feeling quite down, and she jumped all over me. I can't count how many times I've regretted making that call. Still, with us, it's an old story, playing itself out for the umpteenth time. I'm frum and my parents are not, and I'm trying to get clear just what I need to do to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring my parents. So I really appreciate this article. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly.
(4) Margarita, June 7, 2009 11:28 AM
Torah commands to honor thy mother and father
This article is such a wonderful advice for us to honor our mother no matter what. It also applies to others in regards to judging for only our Heavenly Father knows our hearts and mind. And in reference to the crippled, yes, I have learn through the years that a mind is a complicated thing to understand. Our parents have gone through their own life long trials and tribulations, which in many areas made them emotionally cripple. Love is the only cure for our hurting hearts and mind, and that is where our Heavenly Father comes to the rescue in His infinite love and mercy because He is a G-d of love and mercy. Lets all pray for all the gifts of the Ruach HaKodesh to help us love one another as is the intention of our maker.
(3) Rachel, June 7, 2009 11:09 AM
Thanks so much!
Thanks so much! I am in the exact same situation and it's very hard for me to come to terms with. I'm hoping to put in place some of the suggestions of this artilce. It will hopefully help me overcome a challenging situation. Much hatzlocha to the writer of the letter. You are not alone! Thanks!!
(2) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 8:06 AM
This was exactly what I needed to hear!
I've been having this very same dilemma particularly over the last week. Just yesterday I finally felt that I was beginning to overcome it and today- behold! Here is this article making it all so much clearer and better. Thank you so much!
(1) Shoshana, June 7, 2009 6:01 AM
This is a really helpful article - thank you!