Dear Rebbetzin, Due to a unique form of congenital hearing loss, I am severely hard of hearing. I hear well in quiet situations but I'm deaf without my aid, and I'm completely deaf in one ear.
Even people who know me well don't realize how difficult it is for me, moment to moment, because I wing it and leave myself out of interactions on purpose. I don't highlight my hearing loss and I am left feeling more or less by myself when in the presence of groups. Thank God my speech is completely normal -- even the audiologists are amazed by my case, since it is so unusual. I have not made my predicament known to most because I realize that maybe I am here to be sensitive and quiet. I relate really well only to those who are sensitive enough to realize that I am not like everyone else.
I am blessed with a beautiful, normal hearing family, and I'm especially grateful knowing that each of my kids will be more sensitive and honest with themselves. Since I'm not able to converse in groups and lack the ability to catch others conversations, I'm grateful for the ability to close my ears to gossip and negative talk.
But I realize that if I don't share my story, I will forever hide something that maybe shouldn't be hidden. Should I remain hidden? If not, then how and when should I proceed with my little secret?
Sincerely, DB
My Dear Reader:
Your story is quite remarkable. A lesser person in your situation might have chosen to view herself as disabled and victimized by life, whereas to your credit, you have chosen to compensate, cope and even glean unexpected benefits from your situation. The resolution to your conundrum of whether to keep or divulge the "secret" of your condition depends on more information and self knowledge.
For starters, my dear reader, it is noteworthy that "tzniut," privacy, is a great value in Judaism. This is not appreciated in our times; it is at polar opposites with the over-sharing, "in your face" mode of our current cultural environment. Consider the media, the talk shows, and the internet -- all of which have rendered privacy virtually non-existent. Every last gory detail of a person's life is free game and baring not only one's body, but one's soul in public is stylish, encouraged and rewarded in our society.
Such open exhibitionism, however, is an anathema to our Jewish sensibilities and a flagrant violation of the value of "tzniut," modesty, that is so integral and sacred to our essence.
Our Sages define the parameters of "tzniut" by citing, among others, two significant examples that seem, at first glance, contradictory. The first is that of King Saul. The Book of Samuel relates that he was a man "head and shoulder" above any other in the nation. He was humble to a fault. He did not seek nor desire the honor of the monarchy. When the prophet Samuel sought to anoint him as king, Saul could not be found. He was "hidden amongst the vessels," the verse states. He was the reluctant king and acquiesced to accepting the position solely in deference to God's will.
Shortly after his coronation, he set out to find his father's lost donkeys. Along the way, he met his uncle. The ensuing conversation between them consisted of nothing more than a question about the whereabouts of the donkeys. Our Sages comment how remarkable it was that in the wake of his coronation Saul did not see it necessary or desirable to mention to his uncle that he had just been appointed the first king of Israel. We would think that it's not every day that someone achieves a position of such distinction. Indeed, our Sages teach that it was King Saul's heightened sense of modesty that dictated his behavior. To his thinking, knowledge of his appointment was not relevant to the conversation and his sharing it would have served only as an expression of ego and self aggrandizement.
Curiously, the other model of privacy and modesty cited takes a different, almost opposite form. Our beloved matriarch, Rachel, an ancestor of King Saul, was set to marry the patriarch, Jacob. He had worked seven years for her treacherous father, Laban, in order to earn her hand in marriage. Jacob and Rachel were both aware that Laban was the master of deceit. Fearful that he would pull a fast one and substitute her older sister, Leah, in her place, they contrived a secret code between them.
"Tzniut" is the wisdom to know when to conceal and when to reveal.
On the night of the wedding, unbeknownst to Jacob, it was indeed Leah, and not Rachel, who was placed under the wedding canopy by her perfidious father, Laban. The remarkable twist in the story is that Rachel, who had waited seven years to marry her beloved, had divulged the secret code to Leah so that her sister would not be publicly humiliated and shamed. This self-negating and sacrificial act of divulging and sharing is heralded by our Sages as the ultimate in "tzniut."
Our Sages simultaneously identify both Saul's withholding and Rachel's sharing of information as expressions of "tzniut." In reconciling these opposite responses, the definition of "tzniut" emerges as the wisdom to know when to conceal and when to reveal. In Saul's situation concealing was the appropriate behavior; in Rachel's case revealing was the ideal response.
What did both of these opposite behavioral responses have in common? Both behaviors were driven by objective value and not subjective bias and personal concerns. Saul revealing the information would have served only his ego and helped no one, whereas Rachel's communication of the codes is not only counter-intuitive to her own ego needs, but truly altruistic.
Hence, my dear reader, one of the factors to consider in your decision to conceal or reveal is who is better served by this disclosure of information. Consider your "normal" children. Is it better for them to have a mother who appears also "normal" like other mothers, or will they see you as harboring a secret that is a pretense? Will they see you as courageous in not drawing attention to yourself and making others uncomfortable in the process? Or, will they view you as reluctant to appear vulnerable?
Who is better served by this disclosure of information?
Of course, your feelings and needs must be taken into account. Are you burdened by your "secret" and stressed by the need to constantly make accommodations and keep up appearances? Do you feel deprived of more extensive socializing? Or is your overriding feeling one of relief, as you mentioned in your question, from the inane, pointless, and often deleterious chatter and conversation?
You do mention there are a few who have taken notice and have been inclusive and sensitive. Do you think that going public will enlarge that circle of friends and broaden your horizons? Self knowledge is crucial and you must, as in all conundrums, assess the cost versus the benefits.
Barring information not included in your question, my sense is that the position you have taken until now has served you well. You have a "beautiful" family and have cultivated an appreciation for the blessings that are byproducts of your challenge. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Clearly, there is dignity in a private posture. Our Sages comment that blessing dwells in and adheres to that which is hidden from the eye.
Talking things over with a third party who knows you and your situation would be advisable. Share the pros and cons and may God give you clarity. Whatever your decision, I am certain you will discharge your responsibilities with grace. If you choose to stay with your private mode, the above stated will apply. If you judge the time has come to reveal, to go public, perhaps others will be inspired by your story, and your ability to embrace a challenge so effectively. It is a win/win situation. Good luck and God bless you.
(28) Rachel K, January 9, 2014 1:28 AM
The greatest piece of advice my mother ever gave me was "NEVER BE EMBARASSED UNLESS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG". Many times things have come up that were embarrassing to me, yet I forced myself to heed this advice - I'm not doing anything wrong, so I wont be embarrassed. everyone has problems - everyone!!! it is not embarrassing to struggle! I work with hearing impaired children, some with hearing aids, some with cochlear implants, and some with one of each. This is a special school for hearing impaired children, and the atmosphere is one of total acceptance. disabilities are acknowledged and everything is regarded as NORMAL - no child ever feels weird or awkward - it's all so mainstream!!! I often think about how the world would be if it was like this school - a world free of unhealthy embarrassment. Do not be embarrassed - you are a wonderful person with a disability. every person has a disability - no one is perfect!! Thank Hashem that there is a SOLUTION nowadays! WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO SUFFER AND HOLD YOURSELF BACK FROM LIFE?? Go to an audiologist and get your hearing checked in both ears. It may be that you have a different degree of hearing loss, both ears are not necessarily the same! Hearing aids are excellent for hearing loss that is more on the moderate side, and cochlear implants (there are many varieties to choose from) are for more severe- profound - sensorineural hearing loss. You will iy"H find the perfect solution. Start your new life today and remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hatzlocha.
(27) Anonymous, June 4, 2011 4:02 AM
I am hearing imparied
I understand exactly how this wonderful woman feels. I too have a hearing impairment. It has been thirty years since I can even recall what "normal hearing" is. In order to function in the "hearing world" I must wear two hearing aids. This is a result of a serious case of the measles in the late 1950's and a genetic hearing loss in my family. Each day I often find myself not putting attention on either. Most people do not understand.
(26) Anonymous, December 26, 2010 5:06 AM
never be ashamed
Please do not feel ashamed of your hearing impairment. My father, of blessed memory, had a severe hearing loss. In spite of his loss, he was able to get a PhD in Math and run a department. There is nothing that a hearing impaired person can't do. At times, it is helpful to let people know that you have a hearing loss. There are people who are hearing impaired that miss parts of a conversation. When they do, their responses may be somewhat off. They may also fail to speak when spoken too. As the daughter of a man with a hearing loss, I see this as a judgement call rather than a matter of religion. Please consider calling your local hearing association for concrete advice.
(25) Devorah Malka, July 14, 2010 3:21 AM
Respectfully and HEARTILY disagree
I am sure I don't know the questioner, but pretend for a moment that I am one of the ladies in her group. How do I feel because of her so-called modesty? I feel this lady ignores me, doesn't want to participate in conversation, doesn't think my opinion is important enough to pay attention to what I am saying. How do I feel if I find out about the hearing loss? I am saddened by the times I thought I was insulted, and pained at the thought of the embarrassment I caused. How easy to make sure that I am facing you and speaking clearly when I want to talk, so that we can communicate! By keeping your secret, you are denying my friendship - you don't even know that I noticed your refined character, because you never heard the many times I tried to include you in the conversation, or when I tried to say a few quiet, private words to you. You don't know how badly you hurt me, when I thought you ignored me. I'm not saying that you should make an announcement, or be a victim, but let a few people know, and don't make it a secret. Also, I would like to point out that there is a BIG difference in keeping quiet about personal information like hearing loss (which directly affects everyone you interact with) and an emotional issue such as AD(H)D.
(24) Shoshanna, December 27, 2009 6:22 PM
I have no hearing myself in one ear
I matter of factly tell people i have no hearing in this ear and to please talk to my other side! i don't make a big deal of it and they respond in kind. i am a quiet, private person and this has worked well for me. i think way i present this issue has been helpful for me and the people around me. Also my 2 children know clearly that being different is nothing to hide, which i very much want them to feel. All the best to you and your family!!!
(23) Yakov, September 29, 2009 4:54 PM
Dignity not Shame
To those who feel that the Rebbetzin's advice is based on a feeling that a person should bear some sense of shame because of an impairment, I did not get that feeling from what she wrote. She says that there is a beautiful dignity implied by what we keep private. The Jewish attitude is so contrary to the world's perspective on this as the Rebbetzin herself says. I heard from a Rov years ago that in Europe, it was known-"What means the most to a person he keeps quiet about. What he does not value, that's what he makes conversation over." If a person gave tzedoko or quietly advised people, he kept quiet about that because that was so dear to him it belonged to his neshomo and His Creator. But what a person did not consider to be so important that's what he spoke about. I do not necessarily advocate that this woman keep her situation private. It may very well be it's in her best interest (and to others!) to share it. I cannot presume to know what's best for this person one way or another. But the midah of keeping matters private is a midah of the dignity of being a Yid, not of being ashamed, heaven forbid. It's really a matter of one's perspective and personal situation.
(22) oilthepoil, July 12, 2009 10:09 AM
Coping With Hearing Loss Without Shame
I lost most of my hearing when I was 18 months old. I wore a hearing aid in my right ear. There is absolutely no hearing in my left ear. In 2002, I had surgery for a cochlear implant. My hearing is much better. In any event, I spoke normally and am able to relate well with hearing people. Yet many people are of aware of my hearing disability. It did very little to impede me at work and school. I was able to earn a BA and an MA while working full-time for the Postal Service. I am 66 years old and still going full-steam ahead. DB should join a group of like-minded people in an organization called the Hearing Loss Ass'n of America (HLAA). THis is a great support group. DB should check it out at www.hearingloss.org. I wish DB mazel tov.
(21) Anonymous, July 5, 2009 7:33 PM
I myself am one of 4 siblings in my family who have a hearing loss. We rang from mild to severe with my youngest sibling having a cochlear implant. As a child I definitely embarrassed but as i grew older I actually came to appreciate and be grateful for the fact the I had a loss and could therefore be more sensitive to people who are likewise hearing impaired. My parents never made us feel different from others and are very open about it. Being open about it and anything else in life make it easier to be ease with others and make others at ease with you. It is not a matter of Tznius or modesty in any way to hide a loss. It is something to gain from and come to appreciate what others can take so much for granted.
(20) Lillian Laruan, July 3, 2009 6:27 PM
Better to be honest so people can help you
If people know you are hard of hearing they would help you out. I am wearing a hearing aid and my staff know this. So if I miss some important announcement they are there to take notes and I review and comment on them. My superiors also know these and help me out. Even my patients yet they have confidence in me. By the way I work in public health. I think it would be better to disclose to those concerned about your hearing disability for your own good and safety
(19) Anonymous, July 3, 2009 9:14 AM
Thank you for this noteworthy and relevant article. I disagree with many of the comments posted here. Rebbetzin Twerski has given the young woman both the pros and cons of both sides to empower her to make up her own mind, senstiively guiding her and not just telling her what to do. As for those on this forum asking whether she has heard of hearing aids - this is akin to asking a blind person "have you tried glasses?" Not all forms of hearing impairment can be cured/improved by hearing aids and cocheal implants (if suitable) are extremely expensive and prohibitive to most families. From the letter it seems that hearing aids work to an extent and not very well in one ear. It appears that this young woman fears that if she does inform people she meets that she has a hearing impairment that she will be defined by this and not as a person and all the wonderful qualities she possesses. She is a person who happens to have a different level of hearing, not the "deaf person". This affects a person's sense of self and thus is clearly an extremely difficult decision she is faced with everytime she meets someone new... DB - I wsh you well and may Hashem bless you :)
(18) Anonymous, July 2, 2009 4:00 PM
NO WAY!!!
Unfortunately, in the frum world we tend to hide physical disabilities and this makes everything worse. A hearing disability as severe as this woman states could be a danger to her well being. What if there is a fire or some life threatening situation and this woman does not hear a warning or if people don't know and think she is obnoxiously ignoring them. Do you know how detrimental this can be socially as well as a danger to her life?????There are B"H small hearing aids which cannot be detected and one can cover with their hair or sheitel. I know I have done this and I am a young woman in my 40's. Do we tell people who wear glasses not to wear them. This is a disability too. Why is this acceptable and not hearing losses. We are in 2009 and we need to realize that all of us have some sort of disability. The judgmental attitudes need to stop. I am very upset and saddened by this piece of advice. THIS IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(17) Freda Silberman, July 2, 2009 2:59 AM
The Rebbetzin is doing a major disservice to the person who is asking for help. Isn't she aware of hearing aids in this 21st century? This is the advice she should be offering. From personal experience, I also missed out on many conversations around many dinner tables for five years until I was willing to try the hearing aids. They are tiny and almost invisible and they have changed my lfe!!
(16) Dana, June 30, 2009 5:40 PM
Please, tell people
I have a friend who my friends and I didn't know what was different about her and decided to avoid her. After she told us we loved her so much and never felt uncomfertable around her again!
(15) Ida Farkash, June 30, 2009 1:33 PM
Need to disclose hearing loss
Hearing aides are life-savers. I didn't get the aides until after I retired from teaching. But I should have gotten them 10 years earlier. I hated sitting at a staff meeting and missing segments. Even with the aides it helps to sit near a speaker. My supervisor disclosed to me that he knows several staff members who have hearing loss and he doesn't know how to broach the subject with them. It's a nais-I can actually hear myself breathing. Consider an iemergency and you can't hear well yet you have no aides and you need aides, how are you going to help revive someone who is breathing faintly? How will you feel then?
(14) Anonymous, June 30, 2009 7:06 AM
Please reveal your hearing loss......
My mother-in-law has been deaf her whole life and keeps it a secret from everyone she meets. This presents a danger to her when folks need to communicate important information. (this brings to mind the fire department trying to get her to evacuate her apartment during the fires here in San Diego.)Also, not telling people about her deafness makes it difficult for her to communicate with folks who truly want to connect. Please let us know so we can look you in the eye, speak clearly, use a notepad, whatever it takes!!!
(13) Anonymous, June 30, 2009 5:38 AM
may HaShem bless you.
I have some hearining loss same as you,along with some other disabilties.I try to focus on HaShem and the possitive things in my life.I do however,let people know I have trouble hearing what they are saying and some time they write it down for me.I mostly just tell my family and closest friends.but I do beleive that privicy in a persons life.trust G-d and He will give you the right answer to know what to do and say...blessings on you and family..
(12) Tsvi Aryeh, June 30, 2009 3:49 AM
Sharing Is Best
As someone diagnosed with hydrops, "Meuniere's Disease" about 3 years ago, I can now relate to the issues expressed in the letter. I have found people to be much kinder and more accommodating than I would have thought. As another commenter stated, making use of technology is a great thing- digital hearing aids, cochlear implants (at an academic medical center), amplified phones ( free, given that we pay taxes for this), making use of a local not for profit dealing with deaf and hard of hearing people and issues ( Center for Deaf and Hard of Hearing--CDHH in Rebbitzin Twerski's Milwaukee, for example) and a competent audiologist ( the younger ones are doctors of audiology, older ones a master's degree--most good ones are certified). Good luck- we all struggle--even Moshe must have had a hard time getting two million people to hear him with his impediment- but the communication is worth it.
(11) Annie, June 30, 2009 2:02 AM
Tell, why don't you ?
Why not tell ? You only put people in an embarassing position if you don't, or you can appear rude or inattentive or even unintelligent if you seem to ignore people or give an irrelevant answer. It's nothing to be embarrased about, but you must be more embarrassed every day by not telling. It's not like being an axe-murderer or a kelptomaniac.
(10) shelly, June 29, 2009 1:28 PM
It is important to be honest about hearing or vison problems
My mother is in total denial of her hearing loss. She hears two or three words in ten. This leads to her isolation and to numerous family friction as she never really knows what's happening and refuses to admit that we have told her all about it before. I have known many totally deaf persons, as my husband was very involved in deaf education, who were very open about their deafness. They did not want pity or to be treated differently, but they did want to communicate effectively. I think that it is wonderful that this lady is not looking to be thought of as disabled and does not want anyone feeling sorry for her but what example is she giving to her children. She is teaching them that this is shameful and that Mom needs to be protected. Is this really what she wants? It's fine to find all the Jewish references to back up what you are doing, but it is a mitzvah to share the information, so that you can be included in conversations or whatever "good works" you may want to be involved. As far as gossip, if you don't want to hear it you can just get up and leave. If you just sit there and no one knows you can't hear it you are actually condoning it - no one knows you are not hearing it! You have the opportunity to make your like fuller and not live an isolationist existence. If you are sitting in a crowded room and you really know nothing that is going on around you, you might as well be on a desert island with no one there. Just as important, the day may come when you truly need to admit that you have a hearing loss. Will you be able to do that in case of an emergency? Or will you just let things happen as you are basically doing now? Consider why you asked the question in the first place. Are you already having an internal debate? May Hashen guide you as only He - and you - really know the right choice for you.
(9) Karen, June 29, 2009 4:02 AM
don´t be ashamed
I also have some hearing problems and was also afraid to share it with others. But some times it is a good idea to inform the others of your problem so they can talk clearly and understand if you ask them to repeat again what they said. I don´t recommend telling every one, but neither to hide yourself or become lonely for that reason. Surely, G-d has given you the blessing of not being able to listen when people gossip. But you don´t want to miss on the good things there might be out there to listen to. One more thing: almost everyone else has some kind of aid too. So many times, when you tell them, you find people telling you what are their own dissabilities or telling you about some one in their family who also has a hearing problem. If you want to tell them, just feel free to do so and move on to the next topic on your conversation. It is not a big deal to others as it is to yourself. Good luck.
(8) Anonymous, June 29, 2009 2:46 AM
Propriety
Dear Honourable Rebbetzin Twerski: Thank you for this wonderful text. I also have the same issue, I have ADD with hyperactivity. I agree with you fully, that victimology seems to be highly lauded and encouraged n society. As well, gossiping has never been more practiced, as people drift further in social alienation, and Spiritual decadence. The lack of respect for boundaries is unseemly, yet, how to make appropriate friends, if one does not reach out. it is a quandry worthy of the wisdom of King Solomon. Ahavah Todah
(7) Rita, June 29, 2009 1:23 AM
reveal hearing disability
I have hearing loss. My advice is to buy the best hearing aids available, get speech reading training, amplified phones, and let people know if you can't hear them. Disabilities of any kind are a test for others to improve their middot of compassion and caring.
(6) Anonymous, June 28, 2009 8:05 PM
Hiding Hearing Loss
There is nothing shameful about hearing loss of any degree. Hiding perpetuates an unneeded stigma. Most of the people I know don't even think of the word disability when it comes to their auditory status. I use two hearing aids but when I don't wear them out and have trouble in a social situations I just say I don't have them on can you repeat what you said. I am blind as a bat without my glasses but I don't think of it as a disability.
(5) Anonymous, June 28, 2009 6:26 PM
Not wise advice
This article gives the impression that deafness is a handicap to be hidden. Not so. As a late deafened person myself I know the pain of feeling set aside from 'normal' people. As a child when my hearing loss was becoming apperent other children were cruel to me. My mother was ashamed of it and very restrictive with me. Having an understanding family is all very well but it narrows your world considerably. I travelled to another country on my own but still regret that I was not more open about my afflliction. I am still insecure in certain company but have found that being open about the deafness has made people more comfortable with me. I also have a cochlear implant which opened up life to me. It's not a perfect substitute for natural hearing but it helps me get around more safely.
(4) Judy, June 28, 2009 5:19 PM
I have a hear impairment that has gradualy gotten worse over the years. I wear a hearing aide. I always let people know, and simply say "I have a hearing impairment sometimes I don't understand you please repeat". It really important to me that my audiance is aware and sensitive to my needs. I also do a lot of public speaking and always begin with a similiar sentence and add that because I sometime can't hear myself I don't know if I projecting loud enough and ask the audiance to let me know. This puts everyone at ease. Good luck
(3) Anonymous, June 28, 2009 4:48 PM
What's the secret?
I have been wearing hearing aids for some years and never kept it a secret. It's nothing to be ashamed of - not worse than wearing glasses. Once people know you have a problem they automatically try to accommodate you and understand you better. What's the point in keeping it a secret? When my batteries go dead in the middle of a meeting, I make a joke out of it. What's wrong with that? Don't make such a big deal about it. Go public.
(2) John, June 28, 2009 4:12 PM
Hearing loss
The problem with "winging it" is you can appear very stuc up or vain when you hold back. I have hearing loss, and ave no problem telling people when we converse, it must be face to face. Even with hearing aids, the hearing is not perfect. If the need to comunicate is there, then the need to communicate properly is also there. It was amusing, when driving, I might want ot hear what the kids were up to, so I would put in my hearing aids, only to hear my oldest "shushing" everyone cause dad's put in his hearing aids. If your leg were broken wou you use crutches? Would you put an injured arm in a sling?
(1) Eliyahu, June 28, 2009 3:49 PM
As someone who suffered a moderately severe hearing loss in combat, I have considerable experience in dealing with this issue. I would encourage this woman to let those around her know that she has a hearing loss. It's nothing to be ashamed or or hidden any more than one would try to hide blindness or poor vision. People want to communicate with those around them, and will usually be happy to make whatever accommodations are necessary. For those of us who don't hear well, this includes things like facing us when speaking and not covering their lips with their hands, so we can lip read to fill in the sounds we miss, speaking clearly, and understanding that if we don't respond appropriately, it may just mean that we didn't hear what was said or misunderstood it. The newest hearing aids are almost invisible (even behind-the-ear models), so we can't rely on others seeing them as a clue to our hearing loss.