Abusive Mother

You should know that according to halacha, once a woman marries her primary responsibility shifts to her husband. She is exempted from the commandment of honoring her parents & her responsibility shifts to her husband's parents. Obviously, human decency has to be considered but under Jewish law, her caring for her parents are now called "kindness/chesed" and not "mitzva/obligation." Certainly where caring for an abusive parent causes physical or emotional harm to her or her husband / children, and especially if the husband objects, she is freed from her obligation. There are additional halachic justifications for establishing distance with an abusive parent: a) the parent feels a sense of authority over the child and therefore will reject valid sources of support such as medical assistance. When speaking to a sibling / cousin, etc... they are unlikely to dismiss these offers (to ultimately help them) with as much callousness or arrogance as they might a child. b) If the parent is particularly delusional or ego-centered they might be convinced they are being "harmed" by the child who might be caring for them lovingly. (Ie. You INTENTIONALLY burned me by making soup that was too hot, you ABANDONED me when you went out with your husband for dinner.) This means the loving or neutral actions of the child now become "harmful" & "offensive" to the parent and since it is forbidden to cause harm or offense it becomes a problem that can only be resolved by greater distance. One last thought: I was once told that if doing a good deed brings chaos or destruction, it comes from the sitra achra, and not from the side of holiness.

I am 18, the oldest of my family. After going through physical, verbal and emotional abuse I couldn't take it anymore. With my therapist's support, I went to stay at a friend. I knew I didn't deserve such treatment and I felt like I owed it to my siblings to make a change. My father was forced to go to therapy and he slowly but surely improved. Then my mother became the abusive one. Until now, my father was always the "bad guy" and my mother the victim until he went to therapy and it became obvious that my mother was at fault too. Of course an abuser must be dealt with. But sometimes you have to question why the victim is the victim. A healthy person won't stand for constant harassment. If Sarah in the article is a healthy woman, based on what I've experienced, I think she should have distanced herself from her mother a long, long time ago and had someone else care for her needs or cared for her mother from afar.

A clever mind

Rebitzen, with all due respect you are misinformed about the psychology of abuse. There are reams of papers and studies in the fields of psychology and psychiatry that have explained it and it is called Stockholm syndrome. It boils down to the abused people being brainwashed by the abusers to believe that they deserve the abuse - that the abusers are right and they are wrong - and also victims of abuse are emotionally destabilized and - desperate for a hope of change, sold a bill of goods about the abusers supposed intent to change, buying into promises the abuser makes in the honey moon phase of abuse that the abuser will change. - but instead the abuse almost always escalates! Some abuse victims stay because the abusers have beat their victims self-worth into the ground. One grows up blaming oneself for the abuse one endured at the hands of one's caregiver. If you have never been allowed to have a sense of worth, nor self preservation, nor self-protection, you feel unable to leave. You may not even think it is an option. But instead feel one must continue to soldier on saint like putting up with the harm and abuse. Victims of abuse rarely have a HEALTHY free will to exercise, as abuse scars the self-worth and disfigures one's free will. May I suggest that the lady who wrote you pray to Hashem for guidance on how to proceed on this matter, if she has not already? May God bless you with wisdom concerning the souls and minds and psyches of those who have endured trauma of all kinds.

I grew up with an abusive mother. The years and my belief in a G-d who forgives, is merciful and vindicates the guiltless enabled me to forgive her. When the situation of her having dementia presented itself, she came to live with me. It was the best thing I could have done. Its a blessing for me. She certainly was't perfect and neither am I.

Thank you for wise words. For years I've been torn revolving from continued forgiveness unto my mother's incessant vile hatred towards me & obeying the 'honor thy father & mother' commandment. "Thank You' for your words resolving a peace unto my Godly soul.

what are some symptoms of a son being abused by an abused mother.

As a child: Bedwetting, poor concentration/performance at school. low self esteem, shyness, anger, confusion, staring into space (dissociation), anxiety, depression, running away.....and probably lots of others. As an adult: Anxiety, depression,, low self esteem, lack of confidence/self assurance, inability to trust/form close relationships, underachievement due to lack of confidence, suicidal ideation or actual suicide. Emotionally abusive mothers wreck lives and in some ways, possibly far more deeply than physical or sexual abuse from fathers, yet abuse by women is not taken nearly as seriously as it should be in our society. If an attractive, smooth talking, manipulative abusive mother is placed before say, a psychiatrist, to discuss the child's problems,the doctor is far more likely to subconsiously collude with the mother than to apportion blame onto her, where it belongs. If a person injures you as an adult, and that has a serious and lasting effect on your quality of life, then you have every that the person who does this should be held to account. If a parent wrecks your life by injuring your brain, then I dont see that this should be treated any differently to say, the drunk driver. So the child.

Thank you for posting this. I was in an abusive family. Now my mother is in a hospice dying of Alzheimers and Cancer. She has been there for over a year now. I have had little to no support in this situation. People seen to think I should be going there and sitting with her. She moved 12 hours away after a nasty divorce with my Dad in 1989 and has had little to do with me since then. She just suffered a seizure yesterday and I am at a loss over what to do. My heart just keeps breaking over and over again. I have a supportive husband who is wise enough to know that I don't need to be there. It's just a tough situation all around. Thanks.

When my mother had cancer, my brother said he was happy and hope she died. I was shocked and horrified, but secretly, deep down in my heart I wished she would disappear forever. My mother was horrible and always managed to sweet talk her way to social workers and psychologists, somehow painting over her terrible physical and mental abuse as "caring". Once she had me kidnapped and beaten in Mexico. As much as I try to pray for her to be a better person, I am 27 and find myself unable to forgive her for the abuse that she put me, my brothers and my father through. My life feels empty with no purpose and I cry at night still remembering. I don't want to marry and have children because I am so afraid of becoming like her. I know that I can never be like her if I don't ever have children.

My Zeyde once urged a family to move from their city with him to deep Russia. As Bundists, he and the father were in great danger!

If the family had heeded my Zeyde's advice, they would not have died in a concentration camp. You can't be afraid to move. You can't be afraid to grow. The abuse you experienced provides a unique perspective which you can use out for good!

My mother also can get past psychologists and jurors and lawyers. She is very manipulative and has low empathy.

However, when I mostly broke with her, it provided me with an opportunity to grow. I've thought long and hard about how I want to raise children - and I've decided that I want my children to be raised in a strong community. Why? Mikvaot. The more striving minds the better - we become mirrors and sources for each other!

You have a choice. Your mother is but a small chain in a line from Avraham, regardless of conversion. Do you want your children to know the kindness and perspective you have gained through hardship? Your mother was punished enough by G-d. You don't have to punish yourself on her behalf!

The fruit will be for the good, after all. This was the debate, according to Rabbi Joel Finkelstein in his recent Noach coverage, which you can find on youtube. So why was the third day of creation etz pri and not orim gedolim? Rabbi Nathan of YU says to emphasize that we do not worship the sun and the moon - life comes first, and the root of the world is the home - ve'ahavta lo kamocha. The world is inherently good, and I'm certain that if you have children and pour in your effort, with a community - your potential children will be good and do good for others. What more could you ask?

An Abusive Mother’s hatred for her daughter is overwheming. This is killing the loving and caring Father. Her abusive nature has separated the Father from his Family. What scares me the most is..... that Her abusive nature is showing up in my young son’s personalty.

thank you, advice in the nick of time. Ask and you shall recieve...knock and the door will be opened. as it turned out your help has allowed me to actually feel compassion for my parent, instead of ruminating within myself about all of the awfull things she had done against me.......it helped me realize that much of my thinking, throught my life, has been wasted, ruminating about these percieved injustices. Honor doesn't mean submission. Honor means making sure her needs are met, by oneself or by someone else.....no need to be an emotional slave. Thank you.

Food, shelter, care. In last months of Mom's life (perhaps "temporal lobe syndrome" or petit mall undiagnosed), she wanted to sell our parent's home for assisted living (for her). She was devoted to Dad in life, yet, it got too much. She told us children (in our 50s) in a threatening, angry way. We told her she might not gain what she hopes, in turning over house in total trust to an unknown entity. We didn't know she was failing. She died a month later, serious bladder infection (refused a doctor, refused our food and refused any inquiries into her physical state). Her home was immaculate, we didn't know. We gave her Hospice-recommended morphine, last week of life. We just feel terrible. We loved her intellect, but we hated her emotional, threatening abuse. We all moved far away, yet, visited like clockwork to the destruction of our own lives. She never knew what it was like for us, didn't want to. Yet, we honor her and can't integrate or separate us from her. Our brother killed himself at 36 because he could not measure up. Her high standards gave us a lot of hope and aspirations and discipline. But she never asked us, "What is your life like?" We can't live with her death, we were there and caring, but we didn't see her illness and demise. We feel neglectful.

I hope your story might help other appreciate their mothers. If hyou didn't know that she was in need You didn't see. You had no eyes for your mother only yourselves. If my children reject me while I am still able to share life with them and their children then I wouldn't want them there in my dying days. After giving everything to her children, being left with nothing Why would a mother then want those pretenious children who rejected her.

Barbara, your comment is very cruel. Who are you to judge?

Children are not responsible for their parent's happiness or otherwise. We make choices in our lives and have to live with their consequences. Your mother chose to be emotionally abusive towards her children and she lived to feel the consequences. She chose not to let you know how unwell she was. Who knows? It might have been her way to deliver the ultimate burden of guilt to her offspring. Don't take it on. Her demise was not your fault.

The abuse I suffered from childhood was so traumatic that the memories had fled. Through a life devoted to truth and compassion for ALL people, I found those of spiritual and psychological maturity to advize and counsel me along the way. As a child, I had no way of organizing near death abuse, my mind blocked out all visual memory of these events. In fact, what I recall in memory was G-d holding me and whispering “You’re okay, don’t worry, I’ve got you. They can only hurt your body, they will never touch your spirit.” This is my first childhood memory. Only through Torah study and prayer have I been able to establish the realities and facts of my family and childhood with the probable causes. Never have I sought retribution for the sins perpetrated upon me by family (and non-family) members. I loved them. The last family member, an uncle, has recently died in prison after being convicted of child molestation, he, like all of us, suffered the same abuse. Though statistics, in my view, make un-human what is human, it is noteworthy that numbers indicate 1 in 8 women will become abusers. I do not know the statistics on male children from abusive homes. Children in abusive homes have no right even to their life, they cannot conceive of what a boundary is, let alone how to set one with consequences, professionals in mental health and preferably of Torah learning, can help us accomplish what we must to put together a life that is worthy of itself and a blessing to all we meet. It is a war-like journey, and most of us fail to integrate a healthy self love without Torah study.

My mother was abusive both physically and emotionally to ME only (I have 4 siblings). Until 5 years ago, for 41 years I endured the abuse as it escalated and came to a head where I could no longer deal with it. I sent my parents to go live with my other siblings and the guilt was overwhelming yet i felt i could breathe easier. 2 years later my husband, children and I suffered a terrible tragedy and all my siblings and extended family was very supportive however, my mother wanted to help me too but I did not want it at all. Now that I have a public tragedy she wants to be publicly supportive but what about all the years that no one could see-where she tortured me and never said the words I love you, never hugged me etc.. Whenever I see her now she pours on the love and caring but I want none of it. I stopped the abuse and did not let it go on to the next generation. I made sure ALL my children feel love and are hugged and told that they are loved. My home is one where other abused children find it a safe haven. The hurt of abuse lasts forever, it's what you do about it that counts. Take yourself away from abusive situations and find a way to make life better for others, by doing so you feel you have done something positive out of a terrible situation.

I've read the previous comments and can agree that abusive parents can destroy a child emotionally. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who frequently forgot about her children - several times she forgot to pick me up from school - and an abusive father, both verbally and physically. This was not abuse that occurred only in their elder years, but throughout my childhood and earlly adult years. Both have since passed, o"h, but my question concerns honoring them during Yizkor. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar, particularly on Yom Kippur, reciting Kaddish for them and reading phrases about the "loving mother who guided my steps so carefully" and the "father who sought only the best for his children", but I feel guilty in not saying kaddish for them. I tend to avoid Yizkor these days,but feel guilty for not "honoring" them. Any advice?

I was raised by a severely abusive and facilitating mother. Never any real motherly love, just enough to convince people that she was a pillar of the community. FEH!!!!!!!! She is dead from multiple myloma, a blood cancer. I was given things and that was supposed to look supportive. The abuse she persistently showed me and facilitated others to do is unspeakable in detail but has hindered my life. I guess I was supposed to be tested and I hope I passed. I do not want another lifetime of something similar. Disfunctional families usually don't seek outside help, however, the years I am writing about were from 1948 with the worst ending when I was 12 years of age. I hope to resolve these issues through prayer and chesed that I can do and hope that, truly, I have passed most of my tests of that severity in this life and can move on. Adult children of abusers, do not be ashamed to seek counseling and if there is physical abuse and the parent(s) are being cared for... put them where someone else can take care of them. Make sure it is a facility that is clean, secure and the people in charge get paid to be nice and are. To put an adult child who is caring for such an abusive parent in such an unending abusive situation is a test and the test may be to let go and let someone else be the caregiver. That role should be passed on to someone else so that the mentioned couple can go on with their lives knowing that the parent is safe and someone else can take the abuse. This behavior will never change... an abuser will always be an abuser. It Never Stops so you have to end it with as much grace and humanity as you can muster for your own sanity and self esteem. I believe that you have done enough chesed and you need a break. Take it. Brura

we share much...thank you for your councel, it supports other input from Aish.com.Rebbetzen Feige in particular

I am an adoptee and raised in an Italian Catholic family. I have been physically and verbally abused since childhood by my mother. She is now 88 years of age and has moderate alzheimers. She believes that it is my duty to care for her no matter what she says or does. I am totally at my wits end. Sorry to say, but I just can stand the way she acts and treats me and my husband. Since I was adopted, mother believes that I owe her and that I must give up everything to care for her. When I tell others about the particulars of the abuse, they can't believe that I still even acknowledge her in any way. I pray for strength all the time and keep reminding myself that "nothing lasts forever".

I am currently battling the anger of a stepson whose mother just tried to hit me with her suv while I was crossing a pedestrian area in a school zone.The mother is abusive to all of the children.She plays mindgames,rewrites history,withholds medical care,bad-mouths my husband to the children and uses the children to manipulate both myself and my spouse. Most recently,she threatened to withhold our soon to be daughter-in-law from a visit unless she was allowed to come to my Mother's home during shiva for my precious Father a'h. She also sent police to my home during shiva to serve papers to my husband for a change in custody wherein she 'sold' her younger son to my husband for the price of tuition for his daughter! My adult step-son's wife and one year old daughter were in the suv. My daughter-in-laws account matched mine perfectly. In an attempt to gain a restraining order on my husband's ex we needed the account of the witness, my daughter-in-law who was in the car at the time of the event. Here's the clincher: my step-son, even though he admitted his mother was 100% wrong, has shunned my husband and I for 'shamelessly putting his wife in the middle where his birth-mother could go to jail" What the abused child (23 years old with one year old child of his own) has not admitted to himself, is that it is his mother who 'shamelessly put his wife and daughter in the middle" by her attempt to hit me, the pedestrain, with her suv while her own daughter-in-law and granddaughter were in the vehicle. He also, in his denial, refuses to accept that I could have been maimed, or murdered by his mother, had I not had my wits about me enough to jump out of the way! This adult child who has a child of his own had been emotionally abused by his mother, he has forgiven his mother for doing such an outrageous thing to his wife, (but not to me),and has shunned his father and I for trying to insure my safety after 7 1/2 years of her bullying and harassment of my husband and I.

Reading this has helped me out with a decision I'm facing. I grew up in a very abusive home. Of course from my mother's view point since I got to go camping and to a local skating rink, I had a "wonderful childhood"....as if those activites were supposed to replace beatings that left me bruised from my waist to my knees, and on occasion broken bones for trivial things like not getting dishes put away. I also endured her verbal abuse, and litterally cussing me out and even one time telling me to my face she wished she'd listened to the Dr. and had an abortion with me. Now that I'm an adult I've tried to have a relationship with her, yet she is constantly stealing from me or finding other ways to take advantage of me. The most recent was when she had me write checks from a checkbook that she claimed belonged to a friend of hers that gave permission for the checks to be used. I found out later, the checks were stolen, no permission had been given, and since I wrote the checks, I was facing forgery charges. Now I'm a new mother myself, and have been torn with the "honor your mother and father" commandment. It didn't seem like I could follow my heart and cut off contact with the person who gave birth to me, but at the same time I felt if I didn't, she will ruin me. I don't "hate" her, because I am convinced she is suffering from a mental illness, however I cannot keep allowing her mental state to hurt me (or now my daughter). So I have recently decided that since she is getting more and more deliberate with hurting me, the only choice left is to cut off all contact. When my daughter (and any future children) turn 18, they will have my permission to find their "real" granma (after being told what kind of person she is), if they so choose, but until their 18th birthday, they will not know who she is.

i am uplifted because people have shared their experiences and opinions about this. I am not Jewish, but I love and honor a very abusive mother. She abused me my entire life. I am an adult but she still tries to control my life and refuses to hear my opinions. This is why I spent this past Christmas alone. I have been thinking of how to escape the pain that our relationship causes me. I don't know how to escape because I love my mom so much. It helps so much to know that I am not alone, or crazy for remaining in contact with her. Although I am realizing that I may have to separate myself from her. I am so confused right now.

Do abusive parents run out of 'credit' as a pschologist once suggested to me? Do we owe abusive parents anything especially in their old age? Are they sick or just bad or a mixture of both? Can we hate them and love them at the same time? Can we really honour/love the person whilst forgetting the behaviour? Abuse of a child by a parent, IS rejection of that child and as such does the parent really have a right to expect anything in return when they get old? and should we feel obligated to them? Parenting is a two way street, just giving birth to someone and sharing your genes with them does not automatically give a parent a right to anything where there has been abuse. Yes we are probably programmed genetically to take care of aged parents with an unwritten rule of reciprocity. But where the risks to survivial of the victim and their genes have been made so great by an abusive parent, does that 'rule' of reciprocity written as 'honouring the parent', even through a third party, still stand? An abusive partner, even after decades of marriage would likely not be yearned for, in time: not so an abusive parent. However much harm the abusive parent may have caused, part of us still loves them and part of us still feels obligated to them and part of us still misses them if we are estranged from them through necessary need to be apart for our own sanity. We love them and part of us may also hate them. We want to be with them but we also want and or need to be apart from them. This conflicted position, is beyond forgiveness or dispassionate understanding of the abusers illness, it is beyond love and beyond hate, it is beyond anger and beyond yearning. It is a no man's land of inner conflicts which cannot be computed and resolved, which cannot be integrated and laid to rest because the powerful forces of love and hate, parenting and genes are constantly at work and no human could resolve them totally. And this, ultimatly, is the burden and legacy of childhood abuse.

I feel so lucky to have found this information today. Although I am not Jewish, the information and the manner in which it was presented, has been intensely helpful to me. Many blessings to all readers at this Holy time.

i am a middle aged woman who has a mentally ill mother. It isn't necessary to describe the neglect pain and damage caused by such an upbringing. I'm sure you can all imagine it well enough. At age 40 i discovered Torah and Judaism (i am married and have 2 children of my own) and let me tell you, the Torah instructions on honoring parents have helped me heal regarding my relationship to my mother as nothing else in my life has ever done before. Yes, it is possible to rise above personal sorrow and damage. To see your parent(s) in a totally different perspective. To look at a neglectful and damaging parent with compassion, to truly forgive, and be released of the burden of hate. To transend all that and to view matters "from above", as it were. And i don't mean remain with an abusive parent. Especially not a young child or teenager. Children MUST be removed from abusive homes!!! But i mean as an adult we can certainly put our previous misconceptions aside and say the palable truth: "there but for the grace of G-d go i..."

The worst part of it is when the abusive parent forbids your "other" parent to have a connection with you! :-(

I am heartened to see that this issue is finally being dealt with. what i feel is not understood is that the scars inflicted by early childhood neglect and/or abuse are never ever erased. never tell a victim of abuse, no matter how old, accomplished or otherwise, "Forget it, get a life!"

Articles like this make it difficult for those dealing with abuse to be taken seriously. I agree with a previous comment that "Those who advocate bearing it nobly have not experienced it personally." This woman was NOT HAPPY with what she was living with if she, as the letter states, "has been going on since Sarah was young, and she has always been praying to God to help fix things with her mother." The writer of the letter above should just take her out, help her set up an apartment for "Sarah" and help her get out of that house.

I wonder whether children of Holocaust Survivors bear/bore more than the average share of abusive parents. I would love to see support groups forming for children of Holocaust Survivors. They suffered in silence for too long

My parents are often verbally abusive to me but not to my brothers or their wives, whom they respect. My solution is to live in a city away from my parents and to have periodic visits to one or the other of my parents, but always accompanied by other family members such as nieces and nephews, so there are witnesses and listeners who will keep my parents from interacting solely with me. I visit them but create a buffer zone. When I am alone with my mother or father, the abuse starts, slowly at first, then accelerating to a crescendo. I know no one would believe that I am being subjected to verbal cruelty, because they do not see it. Never subject yourself to an abusive person - not even a parent. Flee! Keep the relationship at a distance if at all possible. Live out of state! This woman is in a terrible situation and I feel for her. Abuse is so terribly psychologically demoralizing. Those who advocate bearing it nobly have not experienced it personally.

I came from a family where my mom was emotionally abusive, and like the mom in the story, threw things at me, called me horrible names, etc. As a child, I walked on eggshells, always trying to appease her, to head off the anger, believing that it was somehow my fault. I went to college early to get away from the pain and constant feeling of being "off balance" (I never knew when she would be nice, and when she would be cruel.) Unfortunately, as is often the case, I married a man who was much like her. After years in that awful marriage, I divorced and got therapy. I now have NO contact with my mother, as even a visit is wrought with insults and abuse from her. And I am happier, healthy and raising my children well, far from any abusive influences. Over the years, well-meaning people like yourself have told me to try to "fix" the relationship. But they are wrong, as you are. Abuse is never justified and should NEVER be accepted. To do so is not to be noble, but to be masochistic and self-destructive. Sure, the abuser may be mentally ill -- but that does not justify destroying oneself. Abraham was told to leave his home and family -- likewise, the adult children of abusers should also leave, and find the peace they deserve far from the destruction abuse leaves in its wake.

Halachically, one has to provide for the physical needs of ones parents if they are unable to do so for themselves. And that is it. One is not required to go through hell on their account. This woman has suffered abuse from her mother nearly her whole life. This is a tragedy. Her mother's behavior is not excusable on account of her age. She has made her daughter's life a misery. Putting up with this is neither "a source of pride" nor a "distinction of exalted behavior". Rather it is a slow form of dying. There is far too much family abuse happening, including in the Jewish world. This was a chance to speak out against it, not glorify it, turning it into an opportunity for sainthood. No one has the right to abuse another person, and not only is family abuse not forgivable on account of the relationship, it is much more heinous than any other form of abuse, and of all abuse the worst is parental. Parents are supposed to love and protect their children not destroy them. The fact that children return to or try to protect abusive parents is a symptom of their abuse, not something to create a mystique about. From the details given, it would seem that if this woman has not removed herself from this situation, it is because her whole life she has been an abused child. She needs someone to tell her that she her first responsibility is to distance herself physically from the abuse, not that she is on the path to beatification.

Many ill-treated people identify with their abuser, in what is known as the Stockholm Syndrome (re hostage victims). The fact that abused children may prefer an abusive parent over a loving adoptive parent is a symptom of their abuse, and the guilt and shame they are made to feel, in the same way that battered women return to the abuser. This should not be used as an example of the complexity of the emotional bond between parents and children. It is rather an example of the results of abuse and bullying, in the very relationship that should be the most supportive in a person's life. And no one has the right to abuse or bully another person, not even if they are old. "The abuse has been going on since she was young": obviously the poor woman (Sarah) has been worn down by years of this misery. The friend should encourage Sarah to protect herself as much as possible from the abuse, including physically distancing herself from her mother. NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO ABUSE ANOTHER PERSON, NOT A PARENT AND NOT A SPOUSE FULL STOP. Sarah should be encouraged to move her mother out of her home, and focus on her marriage (which is her halachic obligation) and her family. She can arrange for care for her and visit her once a week. Sarah, as does every victim of abuse, deserves so much better than this. I strongly disagree with the conclusion of this article, that putting up with abusive behavior is a "distinction of having behaved in an exalted way" that is something to boast about. Putting up with abusive behavior, especially over a lifetime, is slow form of dying. It is not praiseworthy. It is tragic. According to this story, this is not a case of a parent becoming senile in later years, but rather one of lifelong abuse. As such, Rebbetzin Twerski should have made it clear that abuse is never acceptable, and that Sarah should be given every support (emotionally and rabinically) to protect herself and remove herself from the abuse.

I advise all children from abusive and neglectful homes as well as their family members to read "Triangle of Despair Circle of Hope" published by Israel Book shop and written by Yaffa Farbstein.

Thank you Reb Twerski for an insightful article. While I feel that the issue can be a bit more complicated, you approached it with sensitivity and insight. I have not had a chance to read all of the comments so I may be repetitive. I want to point out that this is a very delicate topic. I chose to remain in an abusive situation because I thought I could do it. I did. But it destroyed a huge part of me. It's not so simple to just rise above and care for an abusive parent. We are human beings and abuse-specifically by parents-can cause deep psychological damage. Every situation is different, but when I sought advise I was told to leave, that my life comes first, that parents do lose an amount of rights to respect if they are abusive. I wish all fellow sufferers clarity, success, and divine assistance.

To Mrs. Adahan, I have noticed time and time again that the chassidim seem to have a special sensitivity to the mitzvah of kibbud av v'em, and I feel that Rebbetzen Twirski spoke with great and encompassing understanding. Somebody who absolutely cannot "take it", will not " take it" and will throw off the burden. However, somebody who can, should be encouraged for the reward is great.

My mother through on me her frustrations of a marriage life that wasn't as she expected. As I am very similar like my father, she took me as target. I had big fights with her and learnd to put her clear limits. Since then things are much better between us. The respect for BOTH of us was neccesary to build up a heatlthy relationship. Besides, in the mishna it is written. "Im ein anili mili" -- if i am not for myself, who will be for me?

I'm astonished that your entire reply did not include a single word about the woman's husband, and their marriage. Is the implication that one spouse can inflict whatever suffering/deprivation on the other in the name of elder parent care?!?

It is unfair to tell people that the "high road" is to take care of abusive parents. Some people can handle it. Others will be driven to insanity themselves. Very few people can stay sane around an abusive parent. And Torah does NOT require that children sacrifice their lives for such people.

to the person who inquired-therapy for you to deal with your feelings. to the woman with the mother-I disagree with deferring responsibility to another in this case since at the heart of the issue is the mother's deep resentment towards the daughter. therein lies the heart of the problem. if it can be determined why the mother feels such resentment beyond the stated and an opportunity for forgiveness to occur, perhaps there could be peace in the household; especially, where the husband is sick and the mother is elderly and the daughter is stuck right in the middle. they perhaps need a mediator.

I don't know why there is so much difficulty between mothers and daughters (I'm surprised to read that it is fairly common in Jewish families too.I had an abusive mother too and since I was also hard of hearing it was a double edged sword for me. I wonder if it's genetic. I think there is usually some underlying reason for it. My father was an alcoholic so maybe my mother resented me for being tied to him. My husband was bipolar - a fact I didn't know until I was married. My daughter and I had difficulties and she moved away from me. I don't think history will repeat itself as she has a son. What I really came in to say is why pick that ugly photo of an elderly woman for your article. Abusive mothers are not always mean looking. Mine had a sweet face and noone would have believed she treated me the way she did.

My mother was going through a difficult transition and was treating me as if I were a disobedient child. I saw this very clearly and understood the difficulties she was dealing with. However, I finally realized that understanding her behavior did not equate to accepting it. We have to understand the position of the other, honor our own needs and set boundaries, hopefully in a loving fashion. In this instance we worked through it and gave birth to a new relationship.

Please advise,what happens,when Shalom Bais -- domestic harmony --is affected,I know of several cases where the above problem caused divorces. My own gut feeling,is that the couple in the article and others should get both Rabbinical Counseling ans well as psycological help

My mother is not as abusive, is very polite, but I have always felt that resentment towards me, it's been there for ever. I've always tried to help her, even though she owns her own business and pays her own ways, I try to be there for her, but every time I call her or see her, I can see and feel the anger and rejection. I decided to simply distance myself from her, always respond promptly if she calls to tell me she's ill, or needs any financial assistance. I don't feel bad about it, it is what it is, I will always do the right thing but take abuse. Thank you for the article, very educating as to what the Halacha reads.

even if it's a place we love, full of people we grew up with. like Ur in times of Abraham.. and in general, primary responsibility for dysfunctional parent-child relations should lie with former, not latter; for parents are presumably gwon-up, mature and better know what to do. if some parents don't cope well with their responsiblities, and sadly it happens a lot, even amongst our nation, that is their problem and their fault, and should not become that of children. as for Sarah's case, i'd say she needs to severe ties with her mother rather abruptly; and while inner nature of situation may sure be unknowable to an outsider, even a warm and caring friedn, the main thing is that injustice and abuse are intolerable, and participation in your friend's fate is always better that abstaining from it; hence kudos to that friend. I totally support the position of Ms. Kimberly benson, but just wanna note that ultimately, it seems Rebbetzin Twersky exactly suggests that 'Sarah' do something radical in resolving the problem, as the rebbetzin stated rather clearly that we're not supposed to withstand abuse; so i don't think you have that much bone to pick with her, after all. Rebbetzin clearly was replying about keeping to an observer's stand to the friend of Sarah; were it Sarah herself who asked her advice, i think rebbetzin would be more decisive about the situation

Thank you Rebbetzin Twerski. Well said Eli, Sharon, Mike #17 and #12 comments. My mother (now 68) has Inattentive ADD, Borderline PD and has been depressed, narcassistic, highly neglectful and increasingly verbally abuse since my childhood. Despite always having wanted to be the good girl and do the right thing, should the day come that my mother needs help, I would need to have some second party involved in her care. This reality of not being able to do Kibbud Av V"Aim in the ideal way is a source of pain to me. I try to role model this mitzvah to my children from a distance and with other older adults, yet what message would I be sending my girls if they wtinessed me being repeatedly used, abused and treated without basic dignity? I want them to grow up with healthy boundaries and relationships. In my experience which includes supporting other women in this situation, I have yet to meet a woman who can remain connected who is not struggling to survive, whether it is just trying to be present for their own family, or fighting their own mental illness or addictions etc. due to the pain this abusive relationship causes them. And this, despite their enormous efforts in mussar and with outside support. The damage this abuse does damages a person to their very core and it can take years to overcome the negative self image and feelings of worthlessness. Baruch HaShem, today I have Torah, CBT, a loving supportive husband and support network. Today I know that HaShem loves me so much that He gave me this sick mother because somehow my neshama needed this tikkun. I am etermally grateful to HaShem, To Reb. Noach (zt'l) and to all the Aish Rebbetzins/Rabbis who so selflessly taught me what ture love looks like.

Dear Ms. Benson: Like Sandy, I also disagree with you, very kindly. Some situations are not clear cut, they are sometimes very complex, and involve convoluted issues. By being exposed to my mum's very real "limitations," including her systematic assertions that she wished that I were "someone else - anyone else," and that people told her that I was "strange, very strange - and she agreed," it enabled me to develop backbone, a strong personality, and profound respect for the individuality of all human beings (Every human person is a universe unto themselves, states the Talmud). It also enabled me to really understand that people have the divine spark within, to varying degrees, and the greater the husk "Klipot," the more suffering that must often be endured, to regain "Spiritual health." Evil, is in my view, an overgrowth of the "Klipot", upon the human soul, and, the Divine Spark within, is almost extinguished, murdering one's personhood. People, such as myself, who have endured, have no illusions concerning the ability to "change" anyone, or "hoping" for anyone else' approval - on the contrary. This life experience literally, in my view, offers a choice - who is Truly, the ultimate "Judge" of our choices, and life, who has a "Vested interest" in our daily life, Who, will Never, Ever, abandon us, will always look upon us with Kindness, and love - Hashem - Our Creator. What gives Strength, Courage, Resilience, Ability to Know we are loved, truly - why Hashem. Where to turn for advice, support, guidance - why, the Sages, the Torah, Mishnah, the Sacred Writings. Where to draw the knowing one is not alone in this world, why - our People. Need I say more - It has taught me who, and What I am - a PROUD JEW.

i come from an abusive family. people who don't come from an abusive situation simply cannot understand how the abused child feels. with all due respect to rebbetzin twerski, outsiders see more than others think. i found out years later from my neighbors that they saw exactly how our mother treated us. i'm the youngest of two and when i came along, not only did i bear the brunt of my mother's abuse, but also my sister's, as she was seriously abused first. i don't have any relationship with either of them, really. sometimes, u just have to distance urself, which is what i did. i now live in israel and have built myself a life (with HaSh-m's help, of course). i didn't realize it then, but G-d was truly watching over me and for that, i will be eternally grateful. i just wish that people would stop trying to force the abused person "to get over it". i've been asked that question many times. from the time i came into this world, i didn't feel loved or welcomed. i didn't grow up in a home. i grew up in a structure with walls, a celing, and a floor. there was no sense of family. so be it. this is how it was, so i accept it now (after all this time). if it's at all possible for the abused person to distance her/himself, then by all means do so. we have to do what's right for ourselves. our mental health is what depends on it. they may be our parents/siblings, but the torah does not require us to be punching bags, and we don't have to put up with it.

Following a massive stroke I became what can only be called a monster. I found myself in uncontrollable RAGES, physically and mentally abusing anyone that crossed my path. Finally I I exploded in front my doctor who had known me for years. He wrote a prescription for an anti-depression pill. Within three days I was myself again; I've taken the pills ever since. I can't stop because I'm addicted to the medication, but it beats what I had become. I'm not a physician, but I'll be dollars to doughnuts that if the woman has a low serotonin concentration. My son suffered a concussion and his personality changed almost immediately. His doctor put him on the same meds I'm on and three days later he was himself again. I know this is anecdotal, but it might help someone.

My parents were far from perfect, but I loved them. I was always determined to be a better parent, and was a loving mother. I dedicated myself to my children, their health and well bing, safety, opportunity, and joy. My daugher was never easy, but I loved her even though when she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid. She was abusive to me a little as a young child, increasingly as a teen and young adult. By the time she was 32 years old she told me she no longer wished to have anything to do with me. I conferred with my rabbi and send period emails and phone messages. A year later, on Mother's Day she called to tell me she absolutely did not want the cards, calls and email. I only send cards on holidays. A few years later a card came back with "Unknown" addressee. Her brother has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Should I be grateful that she is not a part of my life? I cry whenever I think about her, which is often. I cannot imagine a parent being so abusive. I cannot imagine a child being so abusive. I know this too is a common situation. I once went to a support group for parents such as myself. It was a wonderful experience. It is not easy to find such a group. It would be good of the children of abusive parents could find a support group specific to their needs. It is all hard to understand. Bless everyone who suffers as a result of the behavior of those they love. May we all find a way to endure and florish!

I completely agree that it is a chemical problem. I have encountered this situation and this medication with dr's approval really is recommended for these outbursts. I wish we knew of this years ago when my poor deceased father was victim to it.

I realize I cannot make you understand that which you choose to not understand. Those who do are infinitely more psychologically and emotionally healthier than many counterparts, as they understand the secret of purposeful transcendence. You might be in a position where you are unable to reach this level of empowerment yet, and are therefore having difficulties with it. This might change, and when and if you do achieve true understanding of the concept, you will have an incredible "aha!" moment, and be emotionally and psychologically in a position of dignity and empowerment that no emotional abuse can touch. (As you can see, I have refrained from referencing physical abuse in my comments, as I physical abuse needs, in addition to what the Rebbetzin has outlines and I have added to, because physical abuse requires a physical response- first of all healthy distance and protection...). Wishing you success and all the best.

With all the comments that people wrote and the Rebbetzin's answer, I was surprised that not one person even mentionedt hat this woman is mentally ill. It's diffrent when a mother is abusive, and when she is abusive because she is ill. My mother was also mentally ill and abusive, (although not as aggressive as the one in the story) so me and my brother had to put her into a home. There was NO WAY I was going to let her live in my home and destroy my marriage and my relationship with my children There are many wonderful Jewish residences for the elderly wth problems - besides, this woman needs to be medicated and constantly watched by doctors. She has to have activities and see people.

Yes, taking an observer's stance is an excellent position. It has taken me years to do so. I can look at my parents and think about their issues when they say something negative to me rather than react to the negative words given. In other words I take a look at "where" it's coming from verses actually answering to the negative response or question/comment. It is the observer's position that allows the grown child to see themselves as separate from the hostile environment. It has to be so difficult to be around or to take care of the parent/s whom are unable to take care of themselves - especially after they have abused the now grown child when he/she was a child. It is best, I think to let someone else take care of the parents if the parents are abusive and the grown child will slide further into an emotional abyss like Rebbetzen Twerski suggests.

I think this is a great article. It certainly provides good advice on many levels. I am wondering if we, as a community (and as a society) are not missing something. I used to think that our senior citizens were suppose to be the keepers of wisdom and not keepers of venom. Or is it the case that we have less patience and it is easier to put them into an old age home? I do not know but maybe a new field of study should be invented. Let me coin it right now: spiritual gerontology. Our senior citizens would do well to visit Aish and take online courses. The other part of the equation is that I see some of these outbursts as psychiatric. A .50 mg dose of Risperdal or smallest dose of Olanzapine (both psychotics) would get rid of most of the outbursts without the usual physical side effects. I think it could be a chemical problem.

I'd argue it's an automatic (psychological) self-defense mechanism for survival. It's akin to the INSTINCT of placing one's hands in front of her face to protect against the forthcoming, crushing blows to the head. This is defensive, not offensive. It is NOT from a position of power, as you, the Rebbetzin, and our abusers would like to have us believe. Clear assessment, and TRUE EMPOWERMENT requires that we place some serious physical & emotional distance between us & our abusers. I would say: No personal contact again with them ever is the only completely safe & healthy way to go.

In my childhood she was a worm loving mother (not that I didn't got a pach sometimes). But she used to talk to me and tell me stories and funny jocks. She has contact with my freinds and was interested in what is going with me. She knew everything and was supportive. Nevertheless she was telling everything to her sisters and freinds and who ever wanted to hear. It got worth when she got older. I didn't like it , but I knew her. It was in her nature what could I do? Everyone has pluses and minuses. I didn't trust institutions. There I can't see what is happening and there are houres they don't let you in. I read terrible things in newspapers. Think, who is going to work in such places? It is not a pleasent work. It was a short time when Russian people came when it was a good quality of people from social insurance. And they gave 10 houres a week when she needed 24 houres a day. During the years characters become extreme. It is not going to be better nor easier. But I know that I did my duty as I would like my daughter to do for me, the best possible. And if she can't, and I think she doesn't fit nor want or able to cope with this situation, so take help, supervise and do what you can

When my mother got a strock and a qurter of her brain vanished (left front) I took her to my house. She was 4 years in my house. It was the most difficult time in my life. At the second year I took a phlipin woman to help me, as I saw that I can't handle it by myself. Not phisical and not emotional. I needed a breake, so that I would be able to continue. Sometimes I came from work, parked and rested , fell asleep in the car, so 'll gather enough strength to face her and handle situations at home. But I knew that the philipin woman is with her. Her situation got worth all the time. The philipin woman had her system how to handle things and solve problems. For exsample if she didn't want to put a diaper, she let her lay on a diaper sheet, and didn't fight it. She washed, feeded, gave her peels, cleened the house, fold laundry. I took her to doctors. made shoping, cooked and went to work. But I had time to breath. .

Respectfully, I think you are not quite understanding the author's meaning. Transcending negativity and taking an "observer's stance" is a psychologically healthy and empowering concept that allows one to depersonalize situations and address them in the most appropriate manner, without being vulnerable to hurt, negativity, or verbal abuse. The concept is healthy, life-changing and empowering. The woman may decide to keep on doing what she is doing, or decide to make changes, but in either case, she will be doing so from a healthy vantage point of clear assessment, empowerment, and retention of emotional health and stability. Rebbetzin Twerski has actually given some pretty powerful advice for anyone in an emotionally vulnerable situation, and a primary key to emotional health and stability.

I have recently moved out of my house because of an abusive relationship with my mother and have heard very different advice on this topic. I badly wanted to go the "high-road" - continue to be loving, giving, and eventually work things out so she would love me. I felt it was my responsibility to take care of her, the home, and my siblings. I felt if only I knew how to be better, things would change. It was because of rabbanim and teachers who did not let me think that way that I am in much better place now. I question whether this woman is doing for her mother out of her desire to fulfill the mitzvah of kibbud av v'aim even when it's difficult or if she continues to do for her because she is stuck in an unhealthy pattern where she feels she has no choice. Are there not times when what's best for a person may be different than what they express that they need or want? What if people did that for me? What if they just said "she's fine where she is, leave her alone.?

I would tell Sarah to be brave. She is not her mother's keeper, especially with her husband's health on the line as well. More sacrifice, and how good ' Sarah ' will feel once her mother is gone is objectionable on grounds of guilt implied. My question is : " Sarah, how long do you want to suffer ? " With all due respect, our Rabbis andf Rebbetzins are sometimes out of touch. In your instance ' Sarah " is my opinion. 'Sarah' , save yourself and your husband and your children. I am a parent. Unlike most I make sure that my children understand that I helped bring them into this world. They owe me nothing. That 5th Commandment about honoring is fine with me since I was the sperm donor, and nothing more on this automatic commandment.The Fifth carefully and adroitly avoids the word love. Love from my children, I must earn, and I pray to G-d for his help with this experience. I am fortunate. I had great parents/role models. But I have a few friends like 'Sarah' who had one, or both, horrid parents. And don't be fooled. Your mother has been given a long life here on Earth, and she might have another 20 years. But, Heaven help her in the World to Come. She is going to need it. At some point you will reach a fork in the road. My hope for you is to be open to both forks. Only one of them will be right for you. My opinion here is only a suggestion that releases you from any guilt. Nobody is able to walk in your shoes. You must love yourself first. That is a basic tenet of Torah. Not selfish love, but a love that is healthy enough to extend to your husband and children and G-d. As for your mother, marriage in Torah deems it a move out of your parents house, new responsibilities. Be courageous, bs"d.

I do agree that you have to look for your parents when they just can't. My mother is 75 now and has been a difficult person all her life. Nevertheless, I try to be with her, and my 83-year-old father, as much as I can and somehow give a little something back (in spite that I somehow felt "abandoned" when I was younger). I could finally understand that, in their wrongful (according to my own cosmovision) way of raising children, they didn't mean harm. However, I have a friend whose mother has always been very egocentric and hasn't really cared much for him and his siblings. Married several times and being so absorbed in her own issues, she didn't notice anything that her children were going through. She's 60 something now and has lost some of her beauty (a really gorgeous woman at the time) and all her money after the Stanford incident. The issue here is that now she complains about her children not noticing that she hasn't got enough money to support herself (and no good jobs are given to senior citizens) and not even calling to see how well she's doing. Instead of talking this over with them, she keeps trashing (so to speak) about them with everybody, especially her children's friends (like me). The question is the following - how much should they comply with her or not?

Abuse can be contagious. If we are able to physically block out the abuse when it happens unexpectadly that would be great but when the message is herd time and time again people begin to believe it to a degree and want to believe what their parents are saying to them. These poisonous messages need to be reprogramed through a therapist

I agree that it isn't the friends business to meddle in Sarahs family affairs. That Sarah might be surviving this situation better than the friend realizes. Sarah might be benefiting financially by having mother there if Sarah's ill husband can't work. Who knows?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~What we do know is that Sarahs' Mother doesn't seem at all happy about being there. She doesn't seem to like her daughter and husband very much. If it were true and it was MY situation, I would say, "" Mother dear. It's easy to see that you aren't happy here, and I evidently can not give you what you need. I must make a difficult decision because I love you, but I believe it is for your well being. I'll find you another place to live so that you will be comfortable, have your needs met, and be well cared for. And I will do it today ! """

By allowing her elderly mother to heap abuse on her ill husband, she is, in effect, taking sides with her mother against her husband. She needs to decide now whether having a healthy marriage that lasts beyond her mother's demise is more important to her than being a human punching bag for her mom.

And if there are any children around to witness this abuse - then it is all the worse. If the mother is demented then perhaps that could be explained to all the witnesses, but otherwise, I think Sarah needs psychological help badly.

Over time I was able to forgive an abusive parent who had spent decades belittling me - destroying my friendships and even interfering with my education. But it took time and distance. I still feel great pain over the damage he caused me but it is better to look forward, not back.

Awesome article.....so VERY WELL said !!!!!! All of it, especially the last 2 paragraphs......wow! Again, as in your article "Divorcing G-D", Haschem has given me hope, encouragement, HIS love more than words that will as you wrote "escort me for the rest of my life" and others i know and love.

To the outside world, my mother came across as a nice little person but she coould be a tyrant at home, hurling verbal abuse. I am unable to describe what she did to me to ruin my life. When I needed her most she told me that I was an unwanted child. How I was able to rise above this experience and even though I could not love her, I developed great compassion for my mother, not knowing what her childhood may have been like in Europe. She was also the youngest in her family. Although I am alone, HaShem has granted me the privilege of living to a ripe old age, with many friends, so that I can learn what I need to know about loving kindness and all it entails.

Regarding your comments: "Remarkably, there are those who can transcend their personal feelings and involvement.... adopting an observer’s stance rather than a personal one." This is NOT HEALTHY. It is due to the slow but steady murder of one's individuality, humanity, and soul. If we were ever to be relentlessly attacked by a mad dog, we would know not to try to stay and analyze the canine's behavior. We'd recognize the need to get away to stay safe! It can be very tough for a person to extricate himself from his family of origin, but it can also be critical for his survival. We can never stay with abusive people. Their evil IS Contagious. Even if we do not end up intentionally perpetrating it, we will begin to no longer recognize evil behavior when we see it occurring.

Dear Honourable Rebbetzin Feige Twerski: What a wonderful articcle!! while avaoiding details, I am also issueof such a situation. I was very fortunate, i was raised by someone else, and only later 'went to my parents." The article addresses a very important issue - there are causes beneath the causes of the causes, that caused the causes, that emmanate from empirical issues. There is much suffering in this world, and, in my opinion, wen one is placed in such a family, it is for a reason. I would not have changed a thing. My 'situation', has enriched my deeply rooted serach for G-d, and led me back to my own roots, where, miracles of miracles, I read about more "causes" that explain the apparent degeneration of personhood that suffering often causes. I have learned that one's Spiritual clothes should never be tampered with, particuliar if of Jewish texture; the resulting bitterness, deeply concealed terror, fear, and rage, are nothing to scoff at. It would be abnormal, not to be changed in a very degraded fashion. I have come to understand, the unspeakable, the unthinkable, and am now convinced that there is a very special Gehenna, for anti-semites, and those of their ilk. On a better note, the infinite number of kind and gracious people whom i have encountered, have made all the difference, make all the difference. I deeply empathize with anyone with such a parent, but also agree that it is a choice, an unexplainable, one that arises out of compassion, and very deep sorrow at the cruelty, barbaric behaviour that people and countries inflict . to Rebecca, Avayah todah

Regarding "Sarah", it is Sarah's question. I agree with the advice given to her friend that her role is to be a supportive friend. However, when in comes to how much one must honor one's parents who are abusive, I feel it is a case by case decision. Knowing adults and children who have come from either abusive homes or one where they were neglected, there is no one answer. Each one has to ask a 'shailo' to his or her rav. It is dependent on many factors specific to the person in question.

I come from an abusive family, where my father and his Hirlfriend were the abusers, and towards the end even used the "hoor thy father" as a weapon over my head, till i almost abandoned G-d for abandoning me...It took a long time before i realized that in the end, they are the ones who are the abandoned, as there will probably be no children named for them, or really my grandparents who knew and condoned what was going on.

Dear Rebbetzin, I was glad to see this article at the Aish web site. As I too, grew up in an abusive home; both my father & mother were abusive. I did not "absorb" their abusiveness as it was "something wrong with me; I was unlovable". No, to the contrary, I realized early on that they were crazy, and it was not about me. I also prayed fervently to G-d, to save me and watch over me. I did have a very close connction with my abusive mother all through my life. However, after reaching adulthood, I looked at her behavior and struggled with my sense of "duty" and the whole "honore thy father & mother", as well as the notion of "if I want foregiveness, I must forgive". Those two notions or precepts kept me entwined wiith interacting with my abusive mother, which caused emotional havoc in my life. Finally, now that I am 52 years old and my mother is 82 years old, with the help of an Aish Rabbi, I have been able to "let go" and walk away from the relationship without feeling guilty. I have done nothing wrong but try and help my mother and to love her, but it is only a one way street. She does not "get it" and remains abusive. The Rabbi allowed me...guided me to be able to liberate my emotional self from the abusive cage of this relationship. I am much better and happier now. I have forgiven her for all her past and present abusiveness, but will not have anything to do with her. I do pray for her redemption and spiritual enlightenment. Abuse is abuse, no matter who is being abusive. Children as well as others need to clearly know that abuse is wrong...period. It doesn't matter if it is your mother or that she is 30 or 80.

It seems to me that this article is implying that honoring one's mother comes before honoring one's husband. Nowhere in the article is the consideration raised that the wife is allowing her mother to heap abuse on the husband in HIS OWN HOME while she demands the husband be a chassid/tzaddik. This sounds to me like being a disloyal and selfish wife. Not even considered is that the wife is sacrificing her marriage so that she can desperately and neurotically attempt to win her mother's affection. It seems to me a mistake to romanticize the behavior of a daughter who can't let go to her destructive attachment to her abusive mother. To expect an average husband (who is ill no less!) to handle this situation is, in my mind, a prescription for divorce and marital destruction. Is the wife the center of the universe? Her family must suffer so that she can exhibit "exemplary and sacrificial behavior"? I was taught by my rabbi that one doesn't do a mitzvah at someone else's expense. I was also taught that your spouse counts as "someone else". If the husband was in true agreement and supported the situation, then that would be another story. But no mention of consideration for the husband is even mentioned in this article. It seems to me that the "Marriage 101" being referred to in this article is one sided...

no one should have to put upwith that kind abuse

Perhaps the parent is depressed and needs medication. There are numerous mentall illnesses that go undiagnosed, such as scizphrenia, borderline personality disorder, antisocial, etc. It sounds llike this woman desperately needs a psychiatrist, regardless of her age.

Dearest Rebbetzin I always appreciate your comments. I can only tell you that there is a big difference between Europe and America. In America you discart everything that disturbs you and we here in Europe try to fix the wrong.I am positive that this mother must have been through nightmares in her life before becoming the way she is.Who knows beeing sick and beein a widow maybe her daughter does everything but does not give her the very needed love that a woman from 80 needs. Life is not meant to be easy look at Rebbezen Kramer who took in all these abusive people and tought them how to love. I am sure if your children your husband and you will shower her with attention and love and compliments she might change and if not maybe a psychiater can help her to deal with everything that hurtts her. Never judge anybody before you are in her position.I would suggest someone to speak to her mother there might be a different picture than the one that her friends portraits. There is no end to the merit of taking care of a difficult mother is tremendos, may G-d help her through this challenge.Try to show her movies and find her friends. Good luck Rebbecca

I have had experience counseling someone with abusive parents. While some people can retain their sense of self despite being horribly mistreated, especially if there was a healthy relationship for most of their lives, many people become severely and dangerously damaged by it - their sense of self becomes mangled and horribly distorted. They blame themselves, think they must be evil, decide never to have children or become abusive themselves, among many other horrible side effects. This is not infrequent! There are few counselors I respect as much as Rebbetzin Twerski but I beg her here to distinguish between these type of people - those who can handle this and those many out there who cannot. Her advice is ONLY when the daughter can retain a healthy self-image. When it causes her to become a shattered and broken person, her life comes before her mothers and and it is literally a matter of life and death. Whatever the best move is in such a difficult situation, it starts with the right and primary mitzvah of the daughter to always be able to grow as a person. Rebbetzin Twerski - please clarify this!

From a different perspective....my children suffered greatly at the hands of their father as I did.Their father stole their home, made them move on the most holiest of days on the Jewish calandar-Yom Kippur so that my ex husband could have the closing and receive the funds from the illegal sale of the home...he also stole their college funds, Bar-Mitzvah monies and joint marital funds,,,as a child of Holocaust Survivors...all of the above was extrememly painful to me as well as my dear children.... my ex husband's hatred for everyone around him..including his own children..... demonstrated that he was also a self hating Jew.....he should be jailed for battering and so much more....he is a successful physician who hid his pathology under his white labcoat.....life was a nightmare living with this treacherous man who had no conscience.......my children now want to change their last name so that they do not have any association with this monstrous man.,....I ask you dear Rebbetzin Feige Twerski........what are your thoughts? Forgiveness ?I believe NOT....... Shalom: Ruchel

Please recognize EVIL when you see it. When adult children of abusers FINALLY BECOME HEALTHY adults, they DO stop their hopeless quest for love and approval from parents. There is NO (healthy!) PRIDE in accepting abusive behavior! In a few places, you disgard our "perceptions" of the FACTS, and toss up the notion of possible incorrect "projections". That's exactly what the abusers would like you to believe too! People need to go NO CONTACT with their abusive parents. Care for their needs can be delegated to hired help; we do not have to personally take their abusive behavior ourselves. To "Commenter #2": Abusive parents do NOT deserve the same special accolades & privileges that loving parents do. Why do you wish to insult good parents like that?

As a physician, I can't help wonder if this is a relatively new problem, and thus a sign of medical illness. A parent who was loving and caring, and suddenly becomes abusive is likely to be suffering from one of many forms of dementia. The next step is a thorough medical and (if needed) psychiatric evaluation. G_d willing, there are medications that will correct this situation.

Your answer about it being the friend who is asking saying that it may be different for the person living thru it, who knows how they see it...Misses something. If the person has been abused their entire life, often they don't even realize it is abuse. Often they don't realize that they don't have to put up with this type of pain, torture, abuse. When you have been abused for so long you don't realize that others may see it, that this is not normal. and why does an abused person put up with it, some times after all this time they feel they deserve it, or they feel they arenot worthy, or they hope pray that if they continue to do the right thing, the person abusing them will one day love them and stop abusing them. It is very unfortunate that more people who see an abusive situatio don't try to step in and help the person being abused. THe person being abused does not have the strength or capability in most instances to get out- or stop it on their own. THey need their friends help, and a lot of it.

I suffered from my mother my entire life until she passed away two years ago. She was so selfish and hurtful to me and many other people. She never went for help and always blamed everyone else for her problems. I was finally able to get married because I moved out of her house after college. I learned to make my own decisions. It was hard not being able to really trust my mother and her actions in many situations. She used to cause me such embarrassment where ever we were. She also almost ruined my life because anyone that was interested in marrying me she found ways to make them think differently. I could not trust her at all. I ended up hating her. What a shame? I always thought that a mother is supposed to be on their children's side. I totally understand this woman's situation. I feel she should stand up for her rights before she looses herself and her husband. Her shalom bayis is the most important thing in the world. Her mother will pass on anyway and she will be left with lots of heartache and pain from a very bad situation. She should get a nurse for her or put her in a nursing home where they can professionally take care of her mother.

I think there are many ways of being, and that a person who has been cruelly abused by a parent, in an ongoing way, can act in many ways to discharge obligations that are deeply felt, and one is to, discharge that parent from their lives, given so much sorrow, such deep torture, and I know of people who have suffered terribly at the hands of either or both parents, and I think, God would understand the need to distance. There are children who understand the source of their parent's own deep anguish, that which somehow drives them to do these unconscionable things and they do handle it differently, each in their own ways, in somehow being able to come to terms with a life that in itself moved the parent, to become so fearful, so unloving. There is a lineage, a kind of ancestry, that is experiential and also, yes, genetic, that does inform all of our stories, and how we inform ourselves, feel deeply about this, in understanding this, has much to do with how we deal with life's very strange and troubling problems. God requires angst but God does not require such sacrifices that are impossible. I can say, what does happen is often the creation of deeply sensitive people, who learn about the fire firsthand, and often act in sensitive ways toward each other. But it can go the other way. Can harden people. Life has such dual ways of being and such "duel" ways of being.

Rivka (#4) - you are mistaken. Husband and wife are to be bound as one person. The obligation to care for parents most definitely does not come before the obligation to respect one's spouse. When my parents were debating home care for my grandmother, every Orthdoox Rabbi they consulted put shalom bayis - harmonious relations within the marriage - ahead of any obligation to parents. Just as a child need not use up their own money, they need not sacrifice their home life to care for parents.

The primary responsibility is to the parent, not the spouse. The Torah says "Honor thy father and mother", nowhere does it say "Honor your husband", that is DeRabanan and a mutual issue between husband and wife. This is one of the 10 commandments that must be kept.

This could be the illness, and also it could that this is in her head, and she does not mean this, but she has to glame someone, and there is no one else to blame but the daughter, has she thought of going to seek psychiatric services, such as hospitalization, seeing a psychiatrist, taking medications, etc...Also, how old is the daughter, and what is present medical health in this situation also. At the end I am not on ayn side, but iif I ask my mother to move out, she will be dead in one week, the daughter might not see this, but I can see it and I am not the daughter. I know how the daughter feel,s bucause I went thru it with two parents for 20 years, and with no help just myself, I only seeked help, months before they both died, and that was two weeks of each other.

An abusive parent deserves just as much respect. Several of our Sages have tolerated much worse treatment by their parents and withstood it and did not even object. The Talmud tells us of a Gentile named Dama Ben Netina's mother who spat in his face in front of the prominent Roman representatives and he did not say a word to shame her or scold her. So you, as a Jew, should definitely honor your mother and your mitzvah is only greater due to the difficulty.

As someone who takes care of a mother who is emotionally, verbally and physically abusive (she was not always like this - it is a result of Alzheimers), my heart goes out to the caretaker. That said, it must be stressed that beyond food, shelter and clothing, her PRIMARY responsibility is to her spouse. What are her spouse's feelings about having his mother-in-law living with them? How does having her mother at home with them impact upon her husband's recovery and their shalom bayis? I can't say it's much fun caring for my mom, but having my husband's support in this undertaking is key, and I could not do it otherwise - physically, emotionally, or spiritually.