I feel worn out trying to improve my marriage. We have had good times and done great things together – raised wonderful children, and realized our dream of moving to Israel.
But there have been bad times as well. My husband does not believe in the concept of a married couple making compromises. He believes that both halves of the couple should always do what is "right" to do. At times he is open to hearing my opinion about what is "right," and has changed his mind to agree with my way of thinking. But in the vast majority of cases, he sticks to what he thinks is right, and since he has the stronger personality, we usually do as he thinks.
Before we were married, I resolved (without telling him) to be flexible and go along with most of his ideas – because I thought that would be a good way to get along with a man with strong opinions, and because I genuinely am flexible in most matters. I don't have a problem with what I see as trivial matters. But sometimes an issue will come up with the children that is important to me. Since I am the one doing most of the child-raising, and I know them the best (he's away on business a lot), I have confidence in my methods. Yet he still insists on analyzing the question with “what is the right thing to?”
I have tried for years to do everything he asked of me. And it took me years to realize that the more I tried to act on his requests, the more disrespectful he became toward me.
And woe to anyone who fails to act in the “right way.” He can become irritable, impatient, angry, and contemptuous. In our 22 years of our marriage, he got physically aggressive with me three times (two shoves and a punch). I don't fear he will ever hit me again. But he will blow up when I'm disagreeing (even politely, even calmly) with him, and shout at me nose to nose.
All this has left me in bad shape. I have basically given up on trying not to frustrate him, because I am constantly frustrated on several important matters, and he sees that frustration as being solely my problem.
So here I am. My oldest children are out of the house, but many younger ones are still at home. My youngest need extra help and attention because of some developmental issues. I do at least the minimum for them and I want to do more for them and for me, but where I used to always have another idea to try or some inspiration that kept me going, I'm all tapped out now.
I'm dependent financially on my husband because I've been a stay-at-home mom for years (though I was a professional for several years just after university). We’ve been trying to improve our marriage for years, and there have been improvements, but I am stuck in the reality that I can’t talk to him without him shouting in my face.
I have done counseling at several different points in my life, while my husband despises social sciences and will never go to counseling, preferring to solve his own problems.
He feels that he has been making most of the changes, and that it's my turn to start carrying more of my share. That is the last thing I feel able to do right now. I'm worn out emotionally, and just want to spend mostly empty time in front of the computer. I have had enough.
Any wisdom on your part would be very, very welcome.
Dear Reader,
The first thought that comes to mind is that the definition of a healthy marriage relationship is a "harmonious" one. The term harmony is borrowed from musical arrangements where the sounds brought forth from the various instruments are not identical, but blend and resonate well with each other. Similarly, in a marriage, husband and wife can have differing opinions and different ways of looking at situations, and an accord can still be struck. As a matter of fact, different perspectives create balance. One spouse can have a more laid back view and the other a more intense orientation, and together they can reach the ideal middle of the road approach.
The critical factor, however, is that there has to be an inherent understanding and implicit contract to agree to disagree respectfully. Marginalizing the thinking or viewpoint of another is never in order. The assumption, of course, is that the issues at hand are not matters that challenge moral statutes or ethical behavior – e.g. murder, theft, gossip or Torah laws should not be up for discussion. Matters, however, of how to best deal with a given situation effectively, that is not written in stone, can be subject to discussion and varying opinions.
Doing the "right thing” does not give him permission to treat you dismissively.
It appears from your account, dear reader, that your husband is adopting an excessively authoritarian and autocratic posture. Even if the "right thing” that he insists on is based on an objective value system, it does not give him permission to treat you dismissively. A civil discussion is always mandated. It is not a question of being right or wrong; discourse should be engaged with a willingness to exchange thinking.
Physical abuse is absolutely and categorically never acceptable.
Respect and real listening are the key ingredients in positive communication. Sadly, we as a culture have lost the ability to listen effectively. Deep listening entails total focus and attention to what the other person is saying. Typically, we are so invested in our own thinking that even as the other is still speaking their mind, and trying to articulate their position, our minds are occupied with formulating our own response. We are not totally present. To divest ourselves momentarily of our personal bias and truly listen is a skill that takes practice, effort, and a true desire to acquire.
I gather from your remarks that if you would feel heard and respected, the final conclusion would not be such an issue for you. Yet when time and again one is treated dismissively, that can crush the spirit and destroy self esteem. All of us get a better sense of self when we sense that our thoughts are of value to others.
Though you refer to yourself as "flexible," you clearly bear a great deal of resentment for your many concessions. Sagely advice tells us that when any issue arises, we assess it on a scale of 1-5, and insist only on that which is highly important to us. It seems, dear reader, that you have done that and more, and alas even in areas the should be your domain – the house, the children, etc.
No Consent
Practically speaking, I would recommend the following:
(1) Sit down with your husband when there are no burning issues or bad feelings, and you are both in a good mood and kindly disposed to one another. Share your feelings with him. In a context of all the positive qualities that you appreciate about him, tell him that in the area of being heard and listened to he has not done the "right" thing by you. Express your hurt and frustration. Ask him in advance to allow you to say your piece without interruption. Then let him respond without your interrupting him. Speak calmly. Begin your sentences with "I" messages, not "you" – e.g. "I feel such and such when you…," not "You make me feel…"
Remember to go for deep listening and not only for getting things off your chest. The objective is to try to open up lines of communication and to make it safe to share feelings. In the event that you feel a face-to-face discussion will not work, consider putting your feelings in writing.
(2) Recognize, dear reader, that women become accustomed to subtle forms of abuse over time and make excuses for the abuser – i.e. “He is so nice otherwise; he has such a great sense of humor,” etc. Consider the example of the boiled frog. How is it, they ask, that a frog can be boiled in water? We would expect that as soon as a frog senses the very hot or boiling water, it would jump out and boiling it would be impossible. The key, however, is to begin with lukewarm water and slowly increase the flame, imperceptible to the frog, until it is too late and the frog finds itself boiled.
In cases of abuse, overt or subtle, a husband plays on a wife's vulnerabilities. Because the picture is not totally black, the wife tolerates it and at times becomes convinced that she deserves the abuse. Before she knows it, she is "boiled."
Eleanor Roosevelt's wisely commented: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your task, dear reader, at this point is not to give your consent.
Make it clear that you are not willing to suffer abuse any longer.
If no change occurs, you will have arrived at the point of needing to identify a rabbi, mentor or other person that your husband respects. Offer that he can see anyone he chooses. If he refuses to go, however, perhaps you will need to go speak with that person directly and share your concerns. Mentioning this to your husband might give him the impetus to join you, or at the very least make him aware that consequences will now become part of the picture. It will become clearer to him that you are not willing to suffer even the most subtle of abuse any longer.
(3) Despite the fact that you have tried counseling in the past, I would strongly advise you to find a good objective party to talk to, regardless of whether your husband chooses to join. Divesting yourself of your pain and frustration will be therapeutic. Additionally, the perspective gained will hopefully clear your head and heart and energize you. The affirmation and validation of this process will make you emotionally healthier and far better equipped to handle the heavy load you carry.
(4) Remember that it takes only one person in the relationship to affect the energy in the home. A more confident self will perforce evoke an altered response from your family.
Finally, take care of yourself physically and spiritually. Instead of sitting in front of a computer, take a brisk walk, or better yet get a friend to join you for a consistent daily exercise program. It will boost your body chemistry and ward off depressive thinking. Fill yourself up with learning to whatever extent possible. You will feel more equal to life. And as in all situations that we are confronted or challenged by, pray for heavenly assistance.
May God bless you!
(32) Anonymous, July 28, 2015 3:17 AM
This really hits home
I read so much.This one really hit home. Hmm. Who should know. He made mistakes. but it got worse and now the mistakes have cost us money. One of the children did't get the treatment from the right specialist. Hubby doesnt' learn from his mistakes. He is so stubborn. I read again: no one tells you it can be easier after divorce. Some of us cannot try to make it better & then hear junk and stubbornness. Therapy was a mixed blessing. Therapy made me think of divorce. Immature therapist made too many mistakes. The good was very good in therapy. The bad was very bad. Therapist helped me to see things could be different. So I try to focus on making it better.
(31) Anonymous, March 9, 2011 9:57 AM
Rebbitzen Feige, you recommend that this wife say to her husband, "I feel bad when YOU..." Her husband will not pick up on the "I feel". He will pick up on the "YOU". Abusive husbands have low self-esteems. Such a conversation could be a disaster for this poor woman without better word-for-word guidance.
(30) Anonymous, January 26, 2011 8:30 PM
Could be a personality disorder
I felt so sad to read of this writer’s predicament. I have almost exactly the same situation: a husband who is always “right” and willing to go to extreme lengths in order to “win” every argument. I am still married to him. All the children are out of the house and doing well. I stayed in the marriage for all the usual reasons: money, shame, the children, and lack of courage. Neither the Rebbetzin nor the comments mention that the husband may have a personality disorder. I discovered Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder just recently and was amazed. The description fit my husband perfectly. This is not the same as OCD. Rather, OCPD is a “pervasive characterological disturbance” that has “devastating effects on one’s interpersonal relationships.” (See www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson6.php.) Such a man will not accept any authority figure. Even if he goes to a counselor or rav, he will find ways to twist what the rav says, because the definition of this disorder is that the person always has to be “right.” The things that helped me were building my own life. Volunteer and paid work gave me great satisfaction and led to relationships with people who appreciated and respected me. I also disengaged from my husband emotionally. I stopped trying to have a real relationship, since I saw that all his energy goes into protecting himself and his dysfunctional beliefs. I became more assertive. This kind of man respects only power. Having my own money was a tremendous help. It meant a little less control for him. How are things today? They are better in the sense that there is less fighting. But emptiness took its place. I often wish I had left, although who knows what problems I would have had then. Remain strong, and good luck to you, whatever you decide.
(29) SR, January 23, 2011 8:58 AM
Rebbetzin, this is not a question but rather a response to your article on marriage as a partnership. You are so very wise and insightful. This piece just reassures me that I made the right decision to move forward with my own life and without my ex-husband. Why is it that otherwise smart and educated women always feel the need for reassurance that they can make the right decisions for themselves? Why do we always feel the need to get permission or feel guilty when making decisions that are good for either our physical, emotional or mental well being? Thank you again for your wisdom and rational thoughts.
(28) Anonymous, January 21, 2011 12:58 AM
I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home, where there was a lot of yelling and my mom usually had to give in to my dad. It was very painful to watch as children, and even more painful when my own marriage appeared to mimic my parents'. The flipside is I am very educated about family matters because I am Torah observant and my parents weren't, AND I am willing to fight back and voice my opinions. I stuck by my husband with a lot of bad choices he made that I had to swallow and deal with, and quite often he tried to impose his ways on me and not accept that he had depression, anxiety and OCD. After two and a half years of fighting and a difficult childhood, I picked up one day, asked him to leave and asked for a get. It was such a difficult period and I was very read to do it. He refused to go to therapy, saying "I don't need no shrinks" and was in denial that there were problems---until I threatened divorce. Luckily, with the help of good friends, we were both convinced to try therapy together and see if we could work through things. I am happy to say two years later, there has been tremendous growth and change. We bought a house together (huge committment) and have a third baby on the way. It took work though, a lot of work. My advice to women is, it's not about fighting back. It's about learning how to fight. You have to learn to discuss and when to discuss---NEVER discuss while still under the influence of angry feelings. It's better to wait til you calm down,even if it take a few days. Marriage is not easy and definitely not easy when you have one or two highly opinionated parties involved. But, with care, patience and a willingness to work, divorces can be prevented and harmony can be found. Be encouraged---more frum marriages can be saved than can;t.
(27) anonymous, January 18, 2011 8:22 PM
Baruch Hashem for this public forum
The last comment is what is wrong with our community. Baruch Hashem that woman and others like her do not have to suffer in silence and G-d forbid do something drastic, i.e. hurt themselves or their children. I know of abused family members who had a dreadful and irreversible end to the abuse....it is time to wake up to domestic abuse (emotional and physical) in the Jewish home. If it could be dealt with and improved privately, it would have...she is reaching out for help because she is at her last straw..there is no malshin or motzi shem raa or any of that stuff....this is a forum for the Jewish wife, mother, father , husband to get help...this is a pikuach nefesh forum...
(26) Tina L., January 18, 2011 6:36 PM
follow 14 IGNORE 23
I am married for a short time and my husband has issues PERIOD No one can tell me otherwise. I am not perfect yet I know most problems issue from him. (and we have been to counseling, although he went unwillingly) don't let anyone (like comment number 23 here) tell you that writing to this column is wrong!!! you KNOW that what your husband is doing is wrong and we believe you! You should not suffer any longer and it seems that comment number 14 has a good solution for you It seems that Husbands with major problems all refuse to go to counseling - I have a feeling they KNOW their behavior is wrong and don't want to be told so by a professional cause then the inner excuses they make for themselves for why what they are doing is ok - will weaken My husband has changed a lot ( there is much more to change) even though he kept refusing going for help and he is very stubborn and like your husband he wants me to do things his way. I am still working on things and I do NOT accept his behavior- it obviously affected me and I tried to be flexible etc but he does know that his behavior is wrong I am sorry to hear you have been suffering for so many years and I wish you would be able to solve this big problem you have (and just so you know- when I got pushed a few times I have reacted by attacking back physically. Just in case any woman reads this and G-D forbid it happens to her - push back, hit him back. If he is not very physically violent this will cause him to think next time he feels like pushing you. If he is very violent- GET OUT of the marriage!)
(25) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 6:23 PM
open forums
To 23, anonymous. True. But, there is a big plus to these open forums, anonymous, safe. People open up isues that they would otherwise be too embarrased to share with anyone face-to-face. Also, a person can go to the wrong therapist for years and be tagged as a victimizer and work on THEIR problem, when really it was the husband who was wrong. So, people get their ideas out into the open, get some support, and get a good sampling of ideas to think about. With this as a first step, people get the strength and wisdom to go ahead and get further help, more private help. That's a step that without an open forum, they might never have made. PS: What are you doing here!
(24) Sally, January 18, 2011 1:14 PM
You are not alone.
I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you, and I see from the comments listed, there are people who have been in your situation so, I'm not going to give you an opinion on something I've not lived through. May Hash-m grant you a speedy solution.
(23) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 11:41 AM
Private Matters Should Be Ask Privately...
I never thought I would see the day when people: 1. expose to the public matters that are private for the public to judge with "their comments" 2. where society would jump on someone's band wagon to agree or disagree -when they don't know didly squat about the person's real life.. 3. where people seem so easily to believe anything.. Your personal matters should be keep between you, your husband, and maybe your Rabbi.. So many people are looking for others to sooth their conscience, and sooth their problems. The picture you paint of your husband -seems very grim. How can we (the audience) possibly judge. The fact of the matter is... we don't know. Why should we set ourselves up as judges and comdemn him and set you free? Private matters should be ask privately -not on and open forum.
(22) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 9:18 AM
YOU ARE MARRIED TO AN ABUSER
You are married to an abusive man. You are not going to change him, nor is any authority figure. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Please, please read "Why Does He DO That?" by Lundy Bancroft. He is spot on. This book saved my sanity and possibly my life. I would say "get out right now" but I know that is easier said than done. So I will say "get out as soon as is humanly possible". Save yourself. Read the book (keep it at a friend's house if you have to) - call a hotline - go to counseling alone - and be very, very careful. Good luck and God bless.
(21) Amie Wolf-Mehlman, January 18, 2011 1:04 AM
Compassionpower seminar for couples
Dr. Steven Stosny runs weekend seminars for couples with anger, resentment, and emotional abuse, and with a partner who walks on eggshells. You can visit his site at www.compassionpower.com, and go to the Boot Camp on the upper right side of the page. There's nothing that works as well; I'm a PhD level psychologist and I've never seen anything nearly as successful as his work. Try it; you will not regret it. BTW, they accommodate for shabbos recordings, and hold the seminar in the hotel so you don't have to drive or leave. It's held in Maryland, and very affordable.
(20) Anonymous, January 18, 2011 12:46 AM
Save yourself while you can
I was in your same situation- It took me almost 7 Rabbis telling me it was ok to save myself. because what good would i be to my children, and how could i possibly help them cope with an abusive father if I couldn't take care of myself. It wasn't until after I was out of the house-(and I gave up everything) that I realized just how abused I had been by him. Often emotional abuse is not even looked at as so bad-people look at the physical. You need to be respected and if he doens't respect you enough to go ot counseling, it is all left to you and you can only change so much. I wish you much luck. Don't lose yourself. You are worth saving
(19) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 9:07 PM
Garden of Peace
I strongly second the comment that suggests getting her husband to read The Garden of Peace by Rabbi Shalom Arush. This book has done wonders for my marriage and for many others, and can be a super difference maker. For more information, she might also want to contact Rabbi Arush, or the book's English translator Rabbi Lazer Brody. (Just Google "Breslov World" or "Lazer Beams" to find their websites.)
(18) steve613, January 17, 2011 7:14 PM
Life is so simple really...
It all really comes down to treating, and speaking to others as we want to be treated and spoken to ourselves. The flip side of that however, is EXPECTING that treatment in response. Allowing someone to treat you worse than they expect you to treat them is perpetuating an imbalance in the relationship - ultimately dooming it. Without balance, you can't progress well, can't face the external challenges of life together - and ultimately compound the existing problems with the normal ones that come up every day. This should be something that people 'get'. But sadly, you have to be a thinker, not merely a reactor. People who live thoughtfully, with thought and understanding of themselves, their reactions and character will see and be able to make changes. People who aren't in touch with themselves tend to react emotionally, and thats too fluid to bring to a relationship with another person. You can't expect someone else to respond well to your emotional responses...you have to share one life goal and philosophy - or actively and effectively respect and accomodate EACH OTHERS divergent opinions. Good luck. I've been there, and at some point you will come to a cross road where you will - with the help of your little voice, know exactly how to proceed.
(17) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 9:07 AM
we're not alone
And that's good to know! Isolation is deadly. It's also very sad to know, because I could've written that letter, as could the others who've comments, and the countless others who haven't. It's ironic that we can make such a fuss about schoolyard bullies, but we don't even recognize what's going on at home until it's often too late. I'm still in a troubled marriage, but I'm pleased to say that things are looking up. What troubles me now is that I wonder if it's worth saving this relationship that's entirely lacking of trust? Blessings of truth and courage to all of you,
(16) Anonymous-Melbourne, January 17, 2011 3:53 AM
Dysfunctional Role Models
My first husband and I had this exact relationship. We went to eight marriage counsellors. He simply did not comply. This is very serious, woman don't realize how this impacts on the children. My children treated me the same as he did. One followed the next, to the point that when I filed for divorce my kids chose their father. I did not have the self-esteem to fight it, he literally destroyed me. I know for a fact that in subsequent marriages a woman who does not seek help or read the books recommended; written by Bancroft and Norwood will infact chooses some sort of abusive relationship again. It is not her fault but she must enlighten herself. For the sake of children a woman is obligated to get help. Children learn what they live: Rambam says that a parent and/or a teacher must be an example first and then a parent or teacher .........
(15) Bobby5000, January 17, 2011 2:54 AM
Marriage should be roughly equal
In some marriages a spouse may be dominated. In more than a few families it is the man who is dominated. The wife makes it clear she will yell and argue if he does not do things her way. After a few knock out arguments, he becomes like a cowed dog, and does whatever his wife says. Your situation interestingly involves the opposite, a dominant man, which is sometimes unusual. What you described is unacceptable, stressful, and not a marriage. His acts border on abuse, and no way represent Jewish thought. Assuming you are in the U.S., there are extremely serious laws against domestic violence. One punch, some evidence of injury, and he is ejected from the house, and put in jail for a couple of days. Let's see how tough he is in a cell with a couple of guys from a city. Is he going to lose his temper with them? I would stand up to him, and have a good argument without fear, because he is the one who has to worry. One call to 911, he's out of the house, in jail, and may spend the next decade seeing his kids on visitation. In this struggle, you hold all the cards and you have the power.
(14) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 2:34 AM
Please read Patricia Evans books on Verbal Abuse and Controlling People
Your letter is also my story. What saved my sanity and helped me dig myself out of a severe depression over my situation was finding the right counselor (my husband absolutely refused to go with me or even by himself), and the books by Patricia Evans. I would never have survived without the information provided by Evans in her books. Please, for your sake, read her books: 1. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. 2. Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery 3. Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You. 4. The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. And since there are children still at home, I'd recommend another book by Patricia Evans: 5. Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School. The information she provided opened my eyes in many ways and gave me the strength to follow through. I am still married, but no longer controlled. There is a forum on the VerbalAbuse.com bulletin board where people can post their problems and gain support and information from others who have been in the same situation. I discovered this forum in one of Evans books. What ever you do, do not give up on YOURSELF. .... educate yourself.....you will find a wonderful world out there. I will keep you in my prayers!
(13) L.S., January 17, 2011 2:34 AM
Get OUT of this marriage
I have worked as a crisis counselor for women who are victims of abusive husbands, and every year some women DIE from too much physical abuse and many more end up severely injured in a hospital. We are not Catholics, we are Jews; people are allowed to get a divorce in extreme circumstances such as these. He will NOT change and your children will be in danger, too. Please get out of this marriage while you still can. Also, I agree that you need to get back in the workforce. Get a certification in something technical at a community college, for example, "radiology technician assistant" or "dental hygienist" or "telemarketing specialist" etc so that you can have skills to be used in the workforce. When you are not dependent on him financially, you leaving him will be a feasibe option. Even if he does not give you a get (I hope he does and that you find true love) being an agunah is MUCH better than living 24/7 with an abusive monster. It is situations like these which make me vow to NEVER, EVER become a stay at home mom. Financial dependence leads to control, control can lead to abuse. No way, no how. Every day, I say a prayer of gratitude to Hashem that I have a secular education and skills for the workforce.
(12) Jane, January 16, 2011 8:32 PM
Spot on Rebbetzin
Right on Rebbetzin! Women often get confused by their hubby being nice and then changing and becoming a control freak. Its called, giving you enough to keep you hooked in. No matter what you call it, its psychological abuse. In the thick of it, its almost impossible to identify what is occurring. I am a therapist and experienced it for years until a colleague pointed it out to me
(11) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 7:51 PM
ABUSE!
It sounds like your husband is ABUSIVE. Don't underestimate that. GET HELP! A support group might be best. You have to find a way to stop this cycle, or it will only get worse, G-d forbid. (It sounds awful as it is, and don't understimate THAT either, just because he doesn't usually hit you) Ironically, by not letting yourself be a shmattah, your husband will start to respect you, even be afraid of you a little bit. THEN, when he knows he can't get his way all the time anymore, when he knows he has to grow up or he'll lose his wife an children, THEN your relationship can start to heal, and grow.
(10) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 7:06 PM
I know how you feel.
My husband is the same way, but I have a strong personality myself and take no abuse from anyone. Your husband maybe surprised if you tell him to keep his opinions to himself and you will do what you think is "right." After much arguing, we have let humor seep in. We have agreed that he knows everything and that I am always right. Also, you can offer that every time you and he disagree, that you must call a 3rd person, preferably a Rabbi whom you both respect, and that he will decide. Having a mashpia tell you what to do is a good compromise. At the same time, I see nothing wrong with letting him know that is he speaks to you with even an ounce of disrespect, that you will not hear him. Nothing that comes from disrespect can be the "right" thing. If none of that works, pack your bags. Even if you rely on him for money, I am sure that your community has some way of supporting people in your situations. But don't threaten, actually do it. If he does not want to respect you then he cannot have you. I realize my advise is harsh, but letting your husband walk all over you is unacceptable. Also, I recommend that you talk to a Rav about mikveh. If there are problems in the marriage, you may be able to not go. But talk to a Rav first, of course. Hatzlacha
(9) ruth housman, January 16, 2011 6:37 PM
harmony
Often a woman in such circumstances feels she "has" to succumb to a will that might not be consonant with her will, meaning there are issues and the man always feels right. It seems that needing financial assistance is part of the problem in self-assertion. It's the harm money can bring to a situation, because of imbalance, and harmony feels hard to reach when a woman feels too dependent financially. Just another perspective to add to the problems presented about speaking up, about being heard, and about trying to reach compromise.
(8) Gerald Lush, January 16, 2011 5:39 PM
Can The Marriage Be Saved?
Yes, this marriage can be saved IF the husband is willing (in Love) to take into consideration his wife's thoughts and opinions in making his decisions. I believe that the 'man' is the 'head' of the home and responsible for making the 'laws' which govern the home; BUT I believe also that if the husband LOVES his wife he will take into serious consideration his wife's 'suggestions' and/or reasonable amendments to those 'laws'. The King will honor and respect the Queen.
(7) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 5:09 PM
good books
get some one to buy him the book garden of peace and for you womens wisdom both by lazer brody
(6) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 4:23 PM
leaving a difficult marriage is the easier alternative
But in the long run is it truly better for the whole family, i.e. children. Do not accept status quo, but trying Reb Tweski's recommendations may be a much more difficult route, but a better and ultimately rewarding one. Never allow abuse, but at times even abusers have been known to change with counseling or medications upon realizing that they have no alternative if they are to live in a successful family setting.
(5) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 4:23 PM
Get the right help
I agree that this describes an abusive personality. Very few such people change, but some do. Every woman who finds herself in this situation travels a long journey, and Rebbezin's Feige's advice is sound. I also found the following helpful: understand as much as you can about what is going on. The two books I found most helpful were 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft and 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. Learn how to be assertive with respect. Get help in identifying your patterns. If you can afford it, get counselling, find someone who supports you and understands you, while challenging you to look at yourself. Don't give it up even when you're tempted to. Understand that this is a difficult journey and be patient with yourself while you learn. If part of the reason you're staying in the marriage is because of the children, remember that by accepting it, you teach your sons that it is okay for men to behave this way, and your daughters that it is okay to be treated this way. May Hashem guide you on your way.
(4) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 4:19 PM
I am a past husband like yours and this book helped
The garden of peace by Harav Shalom Arush addresses many issues which can help your husband if he is truthful enough to address them. I reccomend that someone other thay you geves him the book. Do yourself a favor and do not read any part of this book yourself it is only for men. My wife and I have seen miracles through my adherance to What Rav Shalom prescribes. Pray that he will read this and adhere
(3) tzirel, January 16, 2011 3:59 PM
good luck
I was in a similar situation but my husband shoved me only once against the fridge. I regret that I did not leave for a hotel or friend's house that night. I just left the house for 1 hour. Shame kept me from confiding in a friend. He resolved not to shove me again and hasn't. MY situation improved when I stopped being so nice to him and made demands and threatened to leave him , and leave him with the kids to raise. Baruch Hashem, he improved. Your reader should attempt to physically remove herself from her house as painful as that is. Even for one or two nights and leaving her kids with her husband may give him a greater appreciation of her value. I suggest also that she perhaps re-enter the work force, if possible. Her kids and husband will value her more when she is earning money. I did that temporarily and my kids attitude changed when they realized I was not just a cook and laundress. IT is hard to leave someone when you are financially dependent on them. Therefore, start working on your skills now while married and supported. His attitude may change after you take Reb. Feigie's advice and make a move toward financial independence. Good luck. You are in a bad marriage that you do not have to stay in, but should make plans, if you decide to leave, after trying everything in your power (it takes 2 to tango) to make it work. May Hashem bless you and if he gets physically abusive again, leave. Also, my kids are older and leaving the house now and I spent my life as a stay at home mom. My skills and interests were put aside for them. Some turned out well, others remain to be seen. I definitely spent too much energy on my family and have regrets and physical ailments from it as well.
(2) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 12:57 PM
get out of the marriage
The type of man described by this woman fits the picture of a typical abuser. He will not listen or try to change his ways. I speak from experience (my own father). Most likely this man is stubborn, has little self-worth and is extremely insecure. He thrives on control. In this scenario, the easiest person to control is his wife. You need to get out of the marriage. I do not for a minute think it will be easy or simple, but with this type of personality there really is not much you can do short of divorce.
(1) Anonymous, January 15, 2011 10:28 PM
Not so simple
I respect Rebbitzen Twerski very much, but often these types of personalities will not listen to any authority figure either. This woman has been living with real abuse for a long time. It will take an enormous amount of strength on her part to break the cycle and trying to "talk it out in a calm moment" may be next to impossible, even be dangerous. My prayers are with this woman. May Hashem guide you on your way to a life free from abuse.