Question:
Dear Rebbetzin,
My husband and I have a very good marriage. However, I don't feel my husband "wants me" as much as I wish he did. Even though we are intimate about once a week, I initiate it most of the time. We are young and not married for that long. He says intimacy is stressful for him because I expressed unhappiness about our intimacy in the past and he feels too much pressure now. Since then I’ve showered him with compliments and have told him how much I like being with him. He says he is very attracted to me but I’m still unsure how to get his attention and not be the one to initiate. What can I do? Thank you.
Rebbetzin Feige’s Reply:
My dear reader,
Intimacy in marriage is very important and sorting it out is crucial to the relationship. From a Torah perspective, intimacy between a husband and wife can be the most powerful expression of love between two people. The biblical mandate for the couple to be “one flesh” speaks to holistic union of heart, mind and soul. The Torah view stands in stark contrast to other religions that consider physical intimacy a contamination of the soul, albeit a necessary evil for the sake of procreation. It is for these reasons that in certain sects, spiritual leaders remain celibate and are enjoined from the marriage relationship. Contrarily, the elite spiritual leader in the Jewish religious hierarchy, the Kohel Gadol (the High Priest), only qualified for that position if he was married.
The objective of intimacy in Judaism is not exclusively for procreation, but seen as integral and necessary for the well-being and felicity of the relationship. The Torah considers marriage and all that it entails a sacred bond. This is signified by the names attributed to betrothal and marriage, “kiddushin” and “n’suin”, which mean, respectively, “sanctification” and “uplifting”. Moreover, our sages teach that when a husband and wife live together in peace and tranquility, the “Shechina,” the Divine Presence joins them.
Emotional intimacy will create and shape the nature of the physical encounter.
The quality of intimacy in marriage, my dear reader, is generally speaking, a product of the overall interaction between spouses. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Respect, love and caring are the essential components that must be cultivated and become integral to the union. It is the emotional intimacy that will create and shape the nature of their physical encounter. One cannot expect to be unavailable, inattentive, and insensitive by day and still unite successfully and meaningfully at night.
In an effort to create a context for a mutually satisfying relationship both emotionally and physically, consider the following basic requisites:
- the ability to recognize one’s emotions and those of the other
- the ability to articulate one’s feelings to oneself and to the other
- the ability to share dreams and aspirations
- the ability to cultivate an affect of excitement and passion towards life
Additionally, emotions are influenced by physical events, as well as psychologically precipitated ones. So, rather than trying to reach someone exclusively through verbal and intellectual means, the body can often be the primary pathway to connecting, i.e. holding hands, hugging, caring touch, and even non-verbal communication (posture, gesture, facial expressions, etc.).
It is through touch that a baby first experiences relationships as safe or risky, warm or distant, comforting or anxiety provoking. This need does not disappear as we age; a caring touch is important to all of us.
Related Article: Dear Emuna: Intimate Matters
It is probable that the power of physical affection to cultivate a richer emotional life can effectively mitigate one’s struggle with emotional deadness, repression, and apathy. Something happens in our hearts when caring comes skin to skin, not just words to ears.
Understand as well, dear reader, that there are gender differences that you would do well to recognize. Maimonidies identifies respect as the primary male need. This translates into his being seen as the authority figure, “the man of the house,” looked up to and even revered. Supplying this affect nourishes and supports the male ego. Right or wrong, easy or difficult, like it or not, the reality is that this constitutes the hard drive of the male persona. It is part and parcel of the way he is constructed. Your critical comments at the start of your marriage, dear reader, undermined your husband in his most vulnerable area- his manhood. Clearly, you have regretted your remarks and have worked hard to make amends, but to rebuild trust takes time and patience. As in all areas of life, it takes so much effort to build and only a moment to destroy.
I would advise you dear reader to build and intensify emotional intimacy – reach out to him in the many languages of caring articulated above and in the following daily expressions of respect that are often ignored:
- Greet him at the door when he comes home
- Make your home a happy and upbeat place (a happy wife reflects positively on a husband). It empowers him and makes him feel equal to the task of providing for her needs.
- Hang up the phone when he comes through the door. Regardless of whom you are speaking with, say loudly enough for him to hear “my husband has just walked in and I will call you back later.”
- Look good for him. Check your makeup and clothing when you know he is about to arrive, looking as good for your husband as you would when you go to work, meet the world, etc. It makes sense but is often disregarded because we assume that our spouse is stuck with us anyway, so what the heck? Wrong!!
- Let him overhear you praising him to your family, friends, etc.
- Give him positive feedback for whatever he does for you, takes out the garbage, helps with dishes, shares an insights, etc – any act of consideration and tenderness on his part.
- Try not to become defensive or vent your anger in the heat of an argument. If you manage not to respond or lose control, you will avoid much heartache in the future. Bide your time and when it blows over, you can share your hurt feelings calmly using the expression “I feel” rather than “you make me feel.” The outcome will be that instead of driving a wedge between you, your relationship will deepen.
If the above points do not produce the desired results in a reasonable period of time, I would urge you to avail yourself of professional intervention. Seek a highly recommended therapist who will objectively evaluate your situation and make appropriate recommendations.
Physical intimacy, as you intuited, is most often a barometer of the relationship as a whole. It provides the couple with the energy necessary to engage life productively and effectively. Therefore, it behooves all of us to pay close attention, watch for danger signals in the relationship and respond accordingly. Good luck in your efforts to get back on track.
(31) Anonymous, January 14, 2019 10:24 PM
Positive feedback for whatever he does for you? We aren't living in the 1950s, women work and it is not a man's G-d given right to be waited on hand and foot. A caring and supportive and stable husband should not need thanking for the most basic and expected of tasks.
Rina, January 15, 2019 12:30 AM
Yes, positive feedback!
I worked for many years and my husband was doing a lot of house chores , taking care of children, kitchen etc but I always thanked him for everything. Because I love him and want him feel appreciated. It really easy to say nice words to the people who are helping us even if it’s their “job” to do.
(30) Anonymous, January 14, 2019 5:53 PM
IT can work BOTH ways...
In my case, the WIFE showed NO "interest" from the time that she found out that she was unable to conceive. Despite the fact that an "Adam Gadol"" strongly suggested a therapist with expertise in these issues, she never wanted to go see this person.
My sense is that -- at some level -- she felt that intimacy was "supposed" to be to procreate and that since she could not conceive, she was "defective"....
However, her overt "disinterest" simply was a total "turn-off".
I believe that -- halachically -- I could have requested a Get since a wife who is not "interested" in intimacy becomes "undesireable" -- which is a legitimate grounds for Get (form either side). However, as I explained to this "Adam Gadol" (who is a very well known therapist), I felt that she was "ill" and it would be "improper" to divorce under such circumstances. However, I can state that a "marriage" under such circumstance merits a "D-" rating.
(29) Anonymous, June 16, 2016 5:07 PM
Comment on Obvserver
This is a very well written and thorough article. However, I must agree with observer, that it might very well be that the wife is doing everything fine, and that the husband has a problem with which he must deal, and due to the "male ego" he might be very reluctant to recognize a problem, or to accept help from a professional to deal with this problem. And it might be very unfair to be blaming the wife for this unfortunate problem when really it's not due to her own actions. On the other hand, I think it was absolutely essential that the Rebbetzin address the issues that might be going on from the wife's side, only because our natural reaction to a problem is to blame the other person. And this is a dangerous road, especially in a marriage. If the Rebbetzin had concentrated on the husband's potential problems, the wife would have gone away critical of her husband, which is not healthy in general and certainly not in this specific situation.
Also in response to Anonymous, I think that whatever works for you and your husband is great. The RamBam lays out for us such schedules for couples based on the occupation of the husband. However, I think it very important to clarify to anyone else reading this, that this model is not usually recommended nowadays. It can place a strain on a marriage if a couple isn't interested in intimacy and feels obligated, or what if the couple is interested, and it's not the designated night? The most important part of intimacy, as long as other halachot are in place, is that it be done out of happiness. Scheduling intimacy can take away from this happiness, and make it a "chore." Like I said, this works for you and your husband, which is fantastic, but for most couples this is not ideal, in my opinion.
(28) Observer, November 18, 2012 7:56 PM
Nice answer with a MAJOR ommision
All of what you write is nice. But you have put all of the blame on the wife, which is quite unfair, as the real issue may have nothing to do with her, despite her husband's explanation. (I'm not saying that he's lying, but he may very well not be telling - or even aware of - the real issues.) There are two other issues that absolutely must be looked at in this context. Firstly, his health. A guy can look like he's in reasonably good health, but still have borderline issues affecting his libido. Is he tired a lot? How involved is he in other activities etc. The other thing you need to look at is what else is going on in his life? Is there an issue with your family or his? Maybe a boss at work that's being toxic? Or just enough stress and pressure that it's depressing his desire. If either issue applies, then she can be the best wife in the world, but it simply is not going to help.
(27) Anonymous, March 29, 2012 4:30 PM
Heres a suggestion: Before we got married - my husband and I were told to set up specific days - twice a week to have physical relations. That way husband doesnt think about "it" all day - yes tonight , no tonight??... and noone has to initiate - that can be really uncomfortable. BH this has worked out fantastic !!!! Of course - you have leeway , if anyone is realy busy - you push off for next day, or you skip. But on usual basis - we know our schedule - and I work around it , make sure I dont overwork that day , or I try to be more attractive that day. Let me know what y'all think of this.
(26) Daniel, March 28, 2012 10:10 AM
Why does it matter who initiates?
It sounds like the whole problem here is that the wife initiates "most of the time". Why is that a problem?
Anonymous, March 30, 2012 3:43 AM
??
Because it makes her feel not wanted- that's why. And that's not the only problem- her husband is holding back.
(25) michelle, March 28, 2012 10:09 AM
can relate
I am right now going through this same crisis in my marriage and very much enjoyed the article. My problem however is that I;ve tried a lot of the things, and there has been improvement, but not as much as I would like. Perhaps I simply have to come to terms that I will always want it more than my husband? Also, I find that as much as I try to do things to help the relationship, and be undemanding, every so often I get hurt again and have fewer cochot to keep trying. How do I keep from being hurt without blocking my husband out of my life?
(24) Anonymous, March 28, 2012 8:17 AM
Thank you Rebbitzen for writing this article. As a young 20 something year old bais yaakov graduate, i was given no education on what is the frum view on intimacy. All i know is from what i hear or see in the media. I think that this is something that should be discussed at the end if 12th grade by a Rebbitzen or kallah teacher. A lot of young girls are very sheltered & after high school/ seminary they are encouraged to find their b'shert and dont know the a-b-c's of what it is all about. I know the bais yaakov system would never speak to their students about this subject in a public forum and intorduce any ideas to the innocent minds of some teenagers, but with the readily available information that is at the fingertips of teenagers and children these days, i think it should be discussed in an appropriet fashion before they explore the opposite gender. Speaking with my friends about this subject, they will tell you that all they know is what they have seen on tv, on billboards, news, radio... I think it would be best for frum girls to learn what is the torah view before they get into a relationship. I used to think differently about intimacy until i learned the torah view. There are young women who are looking for answers. Would you want your daughter googling her answers to her questions?
Anonymous, March 29, 2012 4:45 AM
There's Kallah Teacher in Montreal named Mrs. Katz who speaks publicly, albeit in an extremely tzanua fashion, about the role of the intimate relationship in a Torah home and the ever-changing relationship of husband and wife throught their marriage. I don't have contact information for her, but if you ask anyone in Montral they will be able to direct you to her. She has had many of her lectures taped. You can probably buy them from her. They will change your life!! Hatzlocha :)
Leah, March 29, 2012 5:12 PM
I totally Agree!
I am a Baal Teshuva student and have been married for 4 years. Growing up being exposed (albeit not too much, baruch Hashem) to the outside world, I think marriage, dating and intimacy education and coaching may just be one of the most important pieces needed in order to strengthen the Jewish people and the other nations as well. Dating for marriage is something I have grown to support strongly but many young people have lost the confidence that "permancy" is possible in this modern word. As for religious dating, what can backfire is being unprepared and ending up in a terrifying situation instead of a beautifully anticipated, intelligently controlled and well prepared union of two souls. Advice for those looking for answers: look for Jewish inspired books on marriage (as well as available teachers)! The right one will find you.
Aliza, April 20, 2012 3:39 PM
I agree
I'm also a young 20 something and I definitely agree!!!
Boca Mom, November 19, 2012 6:29 PM
surprising in more ways than one
I'm very surprised that no one educated you, but not so much that your school system didn't. I'm much more surprised that your primary female role model (mother, grandmother, aunt) did not talk to you before your wedding night. You were surely taught the laws of needah by someone, why is this not part of that conversation? I went to a yeshiva, mixed boys and girls, and we did learn some of this, but family should be teaching this. Even for girls who are nto religious, a mother/caregiver has a responsibility to discuss this type of relationship with her children. Hopefully you all learn from this and have conversations with your children as they come of age.
Anonymous, July 1, 2013 8:28 PM
My mother and kallah teacher spoke about this
Both my mother and kallah teacher spoke about intimacy in marriage. I knew what to expect on my wedding night
(23) Anonymous, March 27, 2012 10:02 PM
it can get much better
My Wife and I were married for close to 15 years and had two children before we started to get things right physically. It was very frustrating wanting to be close to her more often and her not having a lot of interest. As we started to become more observant we learned more and this was part of it. We became more considerate of each other, I learned the Jewish view of physical intimacy. Today iwe cherish our physical relationship totally. We place it at the top of our list of priorities not at the end of them. The Rebbetzin is totally correct because every other aspect of our relationship has improved as well. The physical is a barometer of the relationship. We are in out fifties now and I can tell you honestly that the physical aspect is dramatically better than when we were first married. We are healthier because of our interest in each other - physically and spiritually and we truly value each other and are totally devoted to one another.
Anonymous, March 29, 2012 5:19 PM
THANK YOU!
I really needed to hear that! It is good to know that conflicts can be overcome. I am starting to get the impression that it is normal for that true state of peace in marriage to take time and that HaShem gives us tests to learn from and overcome. Thank you for the encouraging words!
(22) SusanE, March 27, 2012 9:13 PM
She Told Him She was Unhappy with the Intimacy.
The reader told her husband she was unhappy with their intimacy. Hearing that can be a big deal for either spouse. Assuming he listened and tried to please her, it doesn't sound like things are any better for either of them. She now is unhappy that she must initiate and she is also unhappy with the frequency. She wants intimacy on her terms. Marriage is two people. We don't hear what he needs. If she expects him to get involved when he doesn't want to, there could be much resentment on his part. If she continues to do that, his resentment will build. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reader might try doing something else that is fun with her husband. Having fun together (outside of the home) is the best way of drawing closer, that will lead to physical togetherness. A few weeks of no expectations, just having fun together can help. If that doesn't work and he continues to blame her and make her continue to ask... then something besides that needs examining. Sometimes our close friends can see where there are difficulties that we can't see in our own marriage. Close friends (sometimes mothers) are wonderful advisers.
sharyl, March 28, 2012 1:46 PM
I like your advice.
wife, November 8, 2012 8:18 PM
that is a great advice
having had the same issue, i figure, and my husband also said, let's have fun. i was so stressed, upset and pushy : ( it is a lot easier to love you, he said, when we are having fun, and you are happy, not frowning.
(21) Anonymous, March 27, 2012 5:33 PM
BRILLIANT, gets to root of problem
For the naysayer who thinks this is a shtetl mentality, I listened to a Dr. Joy Brown show the other day with a secular girl who had the SAME ISSUE. Guess what, Dr. Brown said basically the same idea that the husband felt demasculated. But she also said that the girl should stop initiating and wait for the guy to feel powerful again and let him initiate. She did not say all the wonderful, torah true thoughts that the Rebbitzen said. The Rebbitzen is giving fantastic, modern, marriage advice. Thank you!
(20) elisheva, March 27, 2012 5:18 PM
a wonderful reminder
Some of the critics here were overly aggressive. I very much enjoyed your article rebbetzin. So you live in a shtetl? Where you are a queen and your husband king I'm sure as well a shalom bayis it is harmoniously run with G-d guiding. As opposed to the singular with all the praise to herself. I fully intend to continue with my husband raising our children with this concept. Blessings.:-)
(19) Anonymous, March 27, 2012 9:21 AM
An excelent comentary on marrage
This; I believe will help my wife and I in our situation, as I am 69 and had an unsatisfactory physical relationship with my wife from the day we were married. Though I am not capable of the physical at my age I still long for the physical touch of my wife, when I have asked her about being together physacaly she replies "I can take it or leave it!" this in it's self is enough to put me of, so thank you for your insite to this problem! Many Blessings to you. Reg Hutchison
(18) P stoller, March 27, 2012 2:48 AM
2 ears open 1 mouth shut.
Dear Rebbetzin. I thought your article was spot on. I am a man married for more than 7 years and the expressions you mention would make me feel a lot more positive about my better half. I conclude you are right. Our Vancouven friend should keep his patronising thoughts to himself. How he can tell the young woman to leave and insult your efforts shows he has pent up bitterness. Thank you for your good intentions.
(17) Leah Rachel, March 27, 2012 12:31 AM
Honest, helpful advice, Rebbetzin Feige!
Dear Rebbetzin, Wonderful advice that men and women can use. Thanks for your frank advice on this subject. I really appreciate your choosing to answer this question. Make you be happy and well, b'ezras Hashem!
(16) Anonymous, March 26, 2012 7:29 AM
get outa Town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Anonymous; I'm so sorry for your situation,it must be very hard,my advice,LEAVE, a whole year?? every night in the same bed???......Leave! Go! Wishing you Well. D.J.B. Vancouver,Canada.
(15) David J. Brien, March 26, 2012 7:23 AM
What would my Daughter say???.................
Shalom! Rebbetzin Feige Twerski; Wishing you Good Health and Long Life!! As I started to read your reply,I thought,I'll send this article to my Daughter,and see what she thinks! But as I continued to read,I was suprised to see so much Sexism and Stereo types, the little Woman dropping every thing,at the "Kings",arrival,the little Woman should "always",be dressed as if she were going to the "office"for her man!, to always stroke his ego,because Men are, "Wired that way", What a load of.....if I sent this to my,very successfull,Happily Married with Two Beeeautifull Males,very Insependant,Daughter!!...I would be taking the chance of a small Nuclear exlosion!!! ......My daughter is 44yrs. Ken ahorah, I raised her,by my self!!....You should come into the 21Century,you still live in a Shtetle ,with mentality to match!!....G-dbless, D.J.B. Vancouver,Canada.
Anonymous, March 26, 2012 2:23 PM
and how would your daughter feel if...
I read your comments and moved on. I came back because of a question that popped into my head: what if the advice was for your son-in-law? Advice that he should spruce himself up a bit before your daughter came home? Or that he should get of the phone or any of the other suggestions? Would that also be sexist? Would you also "be taking the chance of a small Nuclear exlosion"? How would your daughter feel if her husband gave her the attention and respect that the Rebbitzin is recommending? A woman asked and received an answer. But the answer is universal and unisex. I think that the Rebbitzin would have given the same advice had a man posed the same question. We all like to feel that someone (especially our spouse) has done something just for us. I think we would all benefit by being just a little bit less "sensitive" and a bit more sensitive!
(14) Anonymous, March 26, 2012 3:29 AM
We all need someone to turn to
I think Rebbitzen Feige hit on some very good points. That being said, as one reader commented on her lack of whom to turn to about those issues, I think many people with a frum upbringing feel that the topic of intimacy is taboo and don't have a proper forum through which to sort out intimacy issues or to even feel comfortable articulating them to themselves. Additionally, fear is any form, whether it be fear of rejection, fear of financial consequences in the event of conception as bobby5000 mentioned or any anxiety or ambivalence for that matter will have a direct effect on a couple's intimacy. I don't see anything wrong with going to a therapist trained in this area (even if you are broke!- there is nothing more unsettling than having to live with unsorted marriage and intimacy issues, and nothing more relieving and restorative of menuchat hanefesh and shalom bayit than figuring it out!) B'hatzlacha
(13) David, March 25, 2012 10:23 PM
To: Anonymous - Re: Hitting the Nail on The Head
I encourage you to initiate--risking rejection. Jeremiah risked rejection every time he shared Hashem's heart with Yisrael. She ultimately responded, by receiving His restorative embrace. So will your bride, as you risk the same.
(12) Sandala, March 25, 2012 9:31 PM
On this complex subject, we can all use all the help we can get.
I wonder who men have to turn to for such competent and heartful advice in this kind of anonymous public forum. Or maybe it's not in their "nature" to ask :) Regardless,emotional and sexual intimacy, respect, and love in a long-term relationship (marriage) is an extremely important topic for both men and women....and an on-going learning process. We can use all the help we can get. Much appreciation to R. Faige for her remarkable clarity on this subject and for pointing out specific behaviors that can make a big difference along the way.
(11) Anonymous, March 25, 2012 8:39 PM
You are wrong. the advice you gave that young bride is of the 50's. There is a problem true. She should go with her husband to a marriage counselor. she has apologized what is wrong with him .
(10) Anonymous, March 25, 2012 8:26 PM
Amazing advice...maybe there's more
I think this advice and education you gave is tremendous, thank you very, very much. Two other ideas came to mind. Does your husband watch TV and look at magazines, this can cause a short circuit in intimacy as in Judaism its usually in the dark and a matter of giving to the other and in the American culture its all the man's taking with his eyes, so if a mans eyes are where his pleasure comes from this is an issue and a normal wife can not live up to the corupt visuals a man is exposed to, G-d forbid it's an internet thing, then one really has to find help. The other things is I wonder if all men know what to do. Don't rule out talking about it when not in bed and somehow explaining how a women is wired both physically and pschologicaly
(9) Brenda Kleinman Weintrob, March 25, 2012 6:19 PM
This is a well written and very informative article. Both husbands and wives should read this as should young people who are approaching the age to marry.
(8) a, March 25, 2012 5:52 PM
where to go?
it's nice to see that there are people to ask these questions to. As a young married woman, I have many questions and problems of this nature and I have no one to talk to. It is such a private thing, so embarrassing to talk about, especially after being brought up my whole life being taught to never talk about such things... but now that I am married and have problems in this field, who do I turn to? I don't have a rabbi and i can't afford professional help. who should an orthodox married woman do?
Kira, March 25, 2012 9:39 PM
You can find help
Is it possible that your health plan covers this kind of therapy? Some do. Can you contact your Kalla teacher? She can either answer your questions yourself, or, she can direct you to someone who can. Ditto for the local rebbetzin. Meanwhile, please be assured that it is completely normal to have questions and issues in this area! There is a learning curve in this as in all other human endeavors, and this is so sophisticated, touching so many aspects of our human experience (physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual), that it only makes sense that there is a lot to learn, no? Meanwhile, http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/et-leehov-the-newlyweds-guide-to-physical-intimacy/2012/03/09/ - good book, recently published. May you see much joy in your marriage, at every level!
Rachel, March 29, 2012 2:47 AM
Some "mikvah ladies" are trained in intimacy & other issues
I know there are all kinds of mikvah ladies; some are very "old school" and only deal with the halachah of mikvah, but some are also trained in these issues.
(7) Anonymous, March 25, 2012 5:23 PM
What about the man
The man needs to reciprocate and should be receiving comaprable instructions.
Basya, March 26, 2012 8:55 AM
but she's the one who asked
Perhaps. Probably. But is he asking? The rebbetzin is answering the asker; there is little point in her answering someone who isn't asking....
(6) funsho, March 25, 2012 4:54 PM
Very good article full of lessons and guidance.
This is quite helpful and many couples will surely benefit from ur wonderful contribution. Thanks.
(5) Anonymous, March 25, 2012 4:37 PM
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!
My wife and I have not been intimate for over a year. We were for a while before now and then it stopped. I have always been the initiator. In the other areas of our lives we are fine i.e. mutual respect, best friends etc. - but the lack of intimacy is affecting me severely and I do not know how to re-initiate it - mainly for fear of being rejected. What can I do????
Anonymous, March 25, 2012 6:34 PM
Ask her what she wants
The most important organ for intimacy is the ....... head! Both in a negative and in a positive sense. The head contains our brain, but also our mouth, our eyes, and our ears. And communication is huge when it comes to matters of intimacy. Your fear exists in your head. You need to get beyond your fear, and sit down with her for some communication--and it may take multiple tries. You will end up hearing things that you may not want to hear--but doing this will open up an important gateway of two-way talking and sharing. This will lead to real intimacy that will last a lifetime. You need to recognize that she may reject certain behaviors, or certain habits--that is not the same as rejecting you (even though it doesn't feel that way in the moment). I am sure she also wants to talk with you. She is just waiting for you to show the interest.
yaakov, March 25, 2012 8:38 PM
attraction
Did you ever think that his wife is not attracted to him? He may have all the qualities of a good friend/husband. However, she may be physically turned off by his appearance, mannerisms or both. What will a therapist tell her? to be attracted? Well Mr./Mrs. Anonymous, that wouldn't work for me and it probably wouldn't work for lots of other people either.
Anonymous, March 26, 2012 12:30 PM
attraction
As a woman if "He may have all the qualities of a good friend/husband." We will find him attractive. Just like a guy will be attracted to a woman that treats him with respect and gives him attention and affection. But, lets assume, for arguments sake, the she is not attracted to him. "What will a therapist tell her? to be attracted? " Is that the only solution? Maybe what is needed is an honest discussion about why she is not attracted to him (overweight, unkempt, crude, etc...). And this way they can both work on creating the attraction.
Anonymous, March 27, 2012 11:09 AM
I agree
You must communicate.
T.P., March 27, 2012 11:08 AM
COMMUNICATION
Dear Anonymous: I agree 100% you must communicate - there are great books for that, they teach one to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that the other can accept. example- the WORK book : the power of two by Susan Heitler and abigail Hirsch (NOT the book but the workbook, it is much better than the book) Almost ALL women are attracted to a man that CARES about them and wants to make them happy. so PLEASE dont listen to what yaakov wrote because 99.9% the problem WOULD be solved with good communications. I am a woman and have women friends I KNOW! where as yaakov is probably a man and is thinking from a man's point of view- i.e. external/physical. For women attraction is MUCH more than physical appearance.
LR, March 26, 2012 2:40 AM
To (5) Anonymous - DON'T DELAY Any Longer!
The longer you wait, the more difficult it will get. Invite her for a date night. Bring her flowers. Take her to dinner in a nice restaurant. Don't wait! Once things are re-established, tell her you would like it if she would also initiate.
(4) L. R., March 25, 2012 4:03 PM
because I expressed unhappiness about our intimacy in the past
"He says intimacy is stressful for him because I expressed unhappiness about our intimacy in the past and he feels too much pressure now" Dear Reader-after saying something BAD to my spouse, I read and learned that when it comes to intimacy men can be SO hurt even if you say something in the most gentle loving positive way. I have no clue if you actually said "something" or just said you were unhappy with the fact that you have to initiate. If it is the first - apologize A LOT (any little comment to a man can make him feel very bad) and give it time- he DOES need to get over what you said and work on things. Try to work on communication between the two of you. If you have good communications and he feels heard and understood it would help with the intimacy part as well. Hatzlacha!
Anonymous, March 29, 2012 2:56 AM
She shouldn't have to apologize
A marriage is not 50/50, it's 100 percent from each person. The reader didn't say what made her "unhappy", but it's possible that she found their past intimacy uncomfortable or even painful. How is her husband going to know if she doesn't TELL HIM? Yes, communication is vital in all areas of marriage, and perhaps especially so here. I have to add that physical attraction and intimacy come and go in cycles throughout many marriages, for biological reasons (e.g. pregnancy, breast-feeding, menopause, illness) as well as personal ones. One of the most important things we can learn from the laws of family purity is that there's a time and place for physical intimacy but that it's not the only factor in a successful marriage. Wishing the young couple a loving marriage in every respect....
Anonymous, March 29, 2012 5:52 PM
Open communication goes both ways
If there is a real problem in the privacy of your befroom, one HAS to be open about it in order to grow. We can be as gentle and sweet in the way we deliver how we feel, but it WILL hurt. And I think that's ok. Sometimes we have to stand in the center of the fire and not shrink back. It is getting through the pain that honesty brings so that BOTH partners can be happy and satisfied on the other side. One cannot simply go around it and expect a blossoming flower. Of course, critisizing simply to hurt the other is a whole other story.
(3) Anonymous, March 25, 2012 3:53 PM
well said
I like the article but i have the same problem but revers and if sombady can help me i would greatly appreciate
(2) Leonard Buckner, March 25, 2012 3:17 PM
Wonderful Article! Bobby5000's comments are very perceptive.
See Summary
(1) Bobby5000, March 25, 2012 2:04 PM
Wonderful suggestions but may not apply
This is a wonderful article and I would hope many wives would read this. Treating your husband well and showing love is a recipe for a long and fulfilling marriage. Obviously husbands should also do these things showing appreciation for the many things their wives do. A wife should temper her natural inclination to want to correct and improve her husband, while a husband needs to work on expressing love and appreciation and not just assuming the things his wife does are part of the job. All that said, you have a poster who expressed some mild suggestions, apologized later, shows her interest, but the husband is somewhat unresponsive. I am not sure I buy the Rebbitzen's explanation, which may involve some projection of how a woman would react and assume a man acts likewise. There may be some underlying problems. Is he taking some medication. Does he like women, and is there some problem in this relationship with how he sees her. Has she expressed an interest in having children and he is concerned about financial responsibilities. Does he have some underlying psychological issue. I am not sure this is her problem that can be solved by being nicer. I would not be too quick to have children until we figure out what is happening. Men generally are not that sensitive ( and physical relations are sufficiently important) that one or two errant comments will suddenly change things.
SusanE, March 27, 2012 9:21 PM
Agree with your post, Bobby5000. And especially with your last sentence.