Dear Rebbetzin,
I come from a very united family, one who spends every Shabbat together, and who sees each other more than once a week. I have always had a tense relationship with my mother since we do not see eye to eye in most situations. Now I am married with two children. My mother loves to visit and play with them but she always gives too much advice and often not in accordance with the way I want to raise my children or live my life; especially since right now I am working a demanding full time job and am not able to spend as much time as I would like with my children. Something which she believes is a terrible situation, but I am doing it because of a monetary need.
Every time I visit my mother with my kids it gets very tense because she doesn't have that much patience. She gets stressed out a lot because they are toddlers and are quite messy and hyperactive. Also, this is on Saturdays which is my only day off and I want to rest, so I want her to help me out a little with the kids. She is always trying to find something wrong with my kids, either their eating habits, or the lack of stimulation of the lack of extracurricular activities they are enrolled in. This hurts me and my husband very much.
Related Article: To Mother, With Love
Sometimes we choose not to visit at all and suddenly everything is peaceful again. I don't want to stop visiting my mother with my kids in order for my life to be more peaceful. I want to find a way to do both but I have been trying for many years and it doesn't seem to be improving. This also strains my relationship with my husband since she is very critical of him also. How can I find a balance between honoring my mother and allowing her to spend time with her grandchildren but at the same time maintaining my sanity and shalom bayit (peace in the home)?
Rebbetzin Feige's Reply:
Dear Reader,
You are juggling many things in your life and a hierarchy of importance must be established:
- husband
- children
- full time work
- a difficult mother
1. The fact that there is peace in the home when your mother is absent leads me to believe that your marriage is intact. Husbands come first!
2. Toddlers under the best of circumstances, delightful as they may be, can also be a handful and very challenging. Networking with other mothers in similar situations might provide helpful coping tips.
3. Full time work, under these circumstances, is not the most desirable of situations. You cite monetary reasons and only you can be the judge of how significant the need is. You well know that as a general rule there is no greater gift one can give children (especially young ones) than being raised, nurtured, loved and cared for by their parents. If it would be at all possible, considering your situation to cut down on expenses so that you can spend more time with your children, the benefit for them would be huge. Parenthetically, studies have shown time and again the value of children raised by their biological parents. If this is not possible at the moment, do not add guilt to the mix. You are trying to be the best mother you can.
4. Finally, your mother. I think a combination of boundaries and attitude might be the answer. Let’s discuss attitude first. Eleanor Roosevelt so wisely said, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” It appears that you have allowed your mother to wield way too much power over you. The relationship with a mother is tough under most circumstances but yours pushes your buttons in a major way. All of us, dear reader, seek the approval of our mothers and that is the source of their power. I would recommend that instead of being defensive with your mother, feeling criticized and put down, you might defuse the situation by the following:
You have allowed your mother to wield way too much power over you.
- Share your feelings with her honestly. Tell her that you need her as an ally, not an adversary; that you need her to notice when you are doing something right, that you need her approbation and compliments. Assure her that you know that she means well, but she must find a better way to deliver the message.
Tell her how depleted and overwhelmed you feel, and that her interference in the personal decisions of your life must stop. They must rest with yourself and your husband alone, unless you solicit her advice. Don’t take it personally that she can’t handle toddlers for extended periods of time. Most grandmothers have their limitations in this area. They have been there and done that.
Have this conversation when you are calm. Don’t speak in anger and don’t allow yourself to be provoked to respond in anger. Give her a chance to say her piece. If there is something valid in what she says, tell her you will take it under advisement. Let her know that you appreciate the input but that again, ultimately, you are a grown woman and at the end of the day the decision must be yours even if it be a mistaken one.
- Tell her that you love her and want a relationship with her as your mother and the grandmother of your children, but insist that the above boundaries must be observed.
- If you feel you cannot have any of the above conversations verbally, you might consider writing her a letter. That way you can choose your words carefully, and you avoid the risk of saying something in anger which you might regret. It also forces her to read everything without interruption.
Be aware, as well, that our feelings begin with our thinking. If we are feeling unkindly disposed towards another individual, the likelihood is that we have decided to allow negative thinking to take charge of our minds. It can be very effective to check out one’s thoughts and recognize the negative charge they contain. The recognition itself already puts us in the driver’s seat. We can realize that since we are the thinkers we don’t need to be thinking aggravating thoughts that we don’t want to be thinking. We can drop the thoughts that have a negative spin on our life.
Consider Harriet whose mother-in-law was someone who could legitimately be referred to as a “wretched woman”. In her defense, her mother-in-law had experienced a painful childhood, had been rejected by her father and she suffered many dislocations. She was brilliant, learned and a philosopher of note, yet the scars of her past exacted their due and her achievements mattered little.
Her daughter-in-law, Harriet, came into the family starry eyed, innocently expecting to cultivate an ideal relationship with a woman who appeared to be so worthy a person. It took Harriet a long time to realize that her mother-in-law’s personal misery had turned into venom directed at her; she had become the target. Fortunately for Harriet, she came from a functional loving family and her parents, though they lived at a distance, advised her not to obsess but to minimize to the best of her ability her thinking and preoccupation with her mother in law, whose problems predated her coming into the family. Most importantly, they helped her understand that her mother-in-law was not likely to change.
The young woman worked hard to incorporate their advice and turned her attention to productive pursuits. With time she came to realize that her mother-in-law was a woman to be pitied. As a result, on occasion Harriet could even muster compassion rather than resentment. Harriet had broken the chain of her mother-in-law’s hold on her life by letting go of her own negative thinking.
Dear reader, try the above suggestions, but be assured that while your obligation to your mother consists of dealing with her respectfully, it does not extend to allowing her to destroy your shalom bayis. Finding a therapist or an independent party to talk to so you can clarify your personal thinking could be hugely helpful.
What I have found to be even more effective is if you and your mother would agree to see a therapist together. A third party would keep the interaction civil and help both protagonists stay on course. The therapist could be the objective voice who could broker an agreement on boundaries and other needs that come up. One would also be able to appeal to her when a troubling situation or a violation of the agreement would arise. Good luck and remember the power of counting one’s blessings in one’s life.
(20) donna, August 12, 2016 5:26 PM
Living and caring for a difficult mother
You say we need to juggle things in our life and put them in a hierarchy of importance:
husband
children
full time work
a difficult mother
I have NO husband, my children are all grown on their own, my FT work is caring for my difficult mother and I live with her since she is 98. I am constantly surrounded by the feelings, the attitude and guilt.
(19) Anonymous, June 30, 2015 3:54 PM
Too hyper and over reacting
My mother has a habit of over reacting.
God forbid if she asks me for the remote and i always throw it to her but if it lands loudly, then she just starts biting my head!
If anything goes wrong, even if its her own fault, she finds a way to blame it on me or my sister or my dad.
But never herself....
How do i make this work?
She never apologizes, amd if i don't apologize then she gives me another lecture saying that its my fault and i have an attitude and i never apologize to her....
Even if i do apologize, she rebuffs it.
Makes me suffer till i am in tears and then gives me a hug that is not enough for me....
(18) Anonymous, October 17, 2012 6:29 PM
hurt
The overwhelming control and emotional blackmail with endless guilt trips is never ended with my mother and I. Anything I say or do is always seen as I'm attacking her (in her eyes). She IS always the victim and she gets pretty cruel while being in that shoe. I've cut her off from my life before for 2 years and while I was gone, she went through a huge depression, I'm back again, accepted her back and it was fine for a year but now its starting all over again. She makes me feel guilty for working. And I don't have kids or married. I unfortunately live with her because of a bad break up that left me with nothing. I have no car so I'm trying my best to save up as much money as i can but i have so many hospital bills to pay now and dentist, I've been here a year and feel that i'll never get out! Any advice? Please? How can I not let her guilt trips get to me? How can I ignore her without hurting her so I can go on with working (i work at home too). How can I be able to smile everyday instead of tremble in fear, cry and heartache. All of the guilt makes my body emotionally sick and I'm sick everyday and have been for the past 20 years! She refuses to see a therapist with me, feels victimized when I try to tell her how she makes me feel, and she makes my dad feel the same way. I need my mother in my life but I need a mother, not someone I fear till the day she dies. PLEASE HELP!
Carolina, November 29, 2012 2:45 AM
It's painful, but it can get better
From someone who went back to live with mother after being dumped by fiancee, and stayed there for over 20 years: go see a therapist on your own, it does not matter if your mother doesn't want to go. I've been in therapy for the past 4 years, was driven very close to suicide, I can tell you: things can go better. I no longer live with my mother, and our relationship has improved tremendously. Keep saving what you can. Find a hobby to distract you (there a heaps of things you can do that don't cost a lot of money). Go to the library and pick up books on self-help, crafts, travel. Read Aish's "Daily Lift" column, I always found it to be so helpful, there are days it's like Rabbi Pliskin posted a "Lift" with me in mind (I have come to rely so much on it, the Daily Lift has been my computer's home page for years). A therapist will help you break the chain of blackmail and manipulation which your mother controls. I do wish you all the best.
(17) sandrah owagage Mbazira, October 12, 2012 4:04 PM
Its difficult dealing with a difficult mother
Dealing with a difficult mother, one who never accepts fault and never apologises, one who is always playing victim
(16) Mama Dear, July 26, 2012 4:17 AM
I have a similar problem with my daughter & son-in-law
Anonymous states that mothers have complaints too and I have to agree! It's not one-sided & while it is essential that the new couple have the time & space to bond, where is the gratitude & respect that is Torah mandated by children to parents? This younger generation is waaay too self focused. I also spent every last penny making sure my daughter always felt loved & cared for. My daughter says "thanks" & "I love you Mommy", which is really empty to me because what I really want is for them to want to spend time with us & value our experience & caring. The mother in the scenario is not necessarily wicked or excessive; perhaps our young couples need more counseling on Kibud Av V'Aim.
(15) Anonymous, September 16, 2011 10:27 PM
Too much respect for mom?
In reading all these comments, I really think that too many people are being too easy on the difficult mom. When a person decides to have children, they should be in the mind set to give their children all their best, not their worst. A good mother supports and councils her children through their life circumstances, and is supportive of them emotionally. If there is criticism or disagreement, it needs to be done respectfully, with the intent on helping, not hurting. Of course every situation is different, and "tough love" sometimes may be necessary depending on the child, but a mom who constantly criticizes her children is not doing her job. The level of respect a child gives the parents is directly proportional to the respect that the parent has given to the child. Remember, the parent sets the stage, not the child. I do believe that this particular mom should not be babysitting these grandchildren. She doesn't seem to have the temperament, nor the desire. If help is needed in taking care of the children, then perhaps a professional service should be utilized to give the busy mom a break.
(14) Ruth, May 10, 2011 5:05 PM
I can relate to your story, but I think you might have also to unrealistic expectations on your mum. Why she should baby sit your kids? I know she is their grand mother, but that does not mean she has got energy needed for babysitting toddlers. Even the best toddlers are demanding, you quote yours are messy and hyperactive. That may be too overwhelming for an older woman. Your kids may also require more attention from you or other available family members because they miss you when you are at work. You take for granted your mum should be baby sitting your kids. If she can handle it , dont blame you. She deserves a day rest as well on shabbes (even if she doesnt work during the week) and perhaps you would do better spending shabbes with your kids as you work a lot during a week. All the best
abdelwahed, March 25, 2012 4:19 PM
I am sure when you becume you do same your mother reach the that can not able to bear you child by
(13) Chaya H., May 10, 2011 5:18 AM
Our parents don't owe us anything
Excellent advice. I would like to add a small point. The questioner writes, " I want to rest, so I want her to help me out a little with the kids." As a mother of small children, I can identify with this! However, it is important to remember that our parents don't owe us anything. We owe them gratitude and honor. They don't have an obligation to babysit our kids, or lighten our load, no matter how helpful that would be. Additionally, when we ask our parents for this kind of help, we make ourselves vulnerable to their input and judgment.
(12) Anonymous, May 9, 2011 5:22 PM
Mothers have complanits too
I have given more than I could afford to my children and I am not in financial jepordy and they are nowhere to be found now that my money is gone. I have stuck with my daughter through thick and thin. With her it was always thin, always trouble, always drama. I limited my visits in both time and occurance. I was given commands on how to enter the house, what I could say and to whom I could speak. All of which would change without notice. I walked on eggshells for years. With her second husband who neglected her children things became far worse. I am broke, can't retire because of the money I borrowed suppporting her between husbands. now she is gone and I am relieved. How sad is that!
(11) suzzanne nemick, May 9, 2011 3:29 AM
valuable ways to deal with a difficult mom
I confessed some of my problems and now comes all of this help....thank you
(10) Bobby5000, May 9, 2011 1:38 AM
you cannot change what they do but how you respond
Some basics. First, you are unlikely to change people. Psychologists with years of training usually can't do it. You can change how you respond. Make it a point not to worry what you says, or to have her change your mood. Don't fight, but be in control of how you feel and respond. A simple, I do not wish to discuss this, I heard you, let's go on to something else is sufficient. Her power is the ability to make you feel upset and aim to please her to obtain approval; once she loses that, she loses power over you, and instead you control your life. Try not to fight; many of these people like and enjoy fighting, and believe the conflict is needed to make you better; they conceive of their role like a tough football coach whose yelling makes a better player. You do not need to justify yourself, prove your are right, or obtain.her approval; you are going to do things your way and raise the children as you see fit because it is your life and they are your children. First, get the confidence to not need her approval. Only once you have that should you get her involved.
(9) Rochel, May 8, 2011 7:45 PM
Limit contact!!!
I have a critical mother as well and sometimes she really gets to me. But I have decided not to take it, since she was not really a very good parent herself. I let her know that I think that she was not exactly the parent of the year and that my parenting style is perfectly fine with me, my husband and my kids. After my parents got divorced my mom spent all her time looking for another husband rather than parenting me. I turned into a crazy teen and really had to learn the hard way and raise myself. I know that we have to honor our parents, but I think that reminding my mon that her parenting was lacking reminds her that she has no right to criticize me and my in-tact, happy, family. We are not perfect, that is for sure, actually, i am sure that there is a level of disfunction there. None-the-less, my kids are happy, smart, and enjoy life. They are frumm and sensitive. I think you have to be confidident in your parenting and in your marriage and united with your husband. Your mother needs to know that if she wants a relationship with you and your children then she needs to back off. Also, there is nothing wring with seeing her less and speaking to her less. However, If you want her help, then you may be stuck. You cannot expect her to be your on-call babysitter. That is not fair. You are not entitled to her services, just as she is not entitled to criticize your parenting and husband. You need to stop expecting her to help you. Also, the list above of order of importance is SPOT ON. Husband first, children second, job, (I would even add a few other things before mom) then mom. You only have so much energy, mom comes last. Hatzlacha
(8) Elizabeth, May 8, 2011 7:29 PM
Wish I had read this years ago
What a wonderful article! I wish I had read it ten years ago. My own mother was similarly very critical towards me. In her eyes, I could do nothing right, and I found her attitude very wearing and also harmful to shalom bayit. I didn't realize there was anything I could do about it, though, so I simply carried out with poor boundaries and constantly felt inferior. Nine years ago, my mother died, and since then I've wished so hard that we could have spoken about these things, and that I could have won her support rather than her criticism. Now it's too late. We should always have the courage to act to put right our relationships while we are alive, and so is the other person. Easy to say, harder to do, but what a blessing if you can manage it.
(7) sue, May 8, 2011 6:58 PM
one good thing comes out of all the negative with your mom, is that you become the parent she is not, and your children will certainly benefit from this. enjoy parenting. read "toxic parents" - interesting.
(6) anonymous, May 8, 2011 5:23 PM
prioritize yourself first
The hardest thing I think is for some women to separate themselves from their mothers. Consider yourself lucky that you have your husband's support and that you notice there is shalom bayis when you don't visit your Mom. Whether a Mom or a mother-in-law, limit your interaction with anyone negative and don't feel guilty or disappointed that you cannot have the ideal mom-daughter relationship. I bet it does not exist. Your job is to raise your kids in the Torah way. You do not have to kowtow to anyone's mother. Again, if limiting interaction with negative people of all relationships helps you to be a better wife/mother, then that is what you have to do. Kibud Eim does not mean sacrificing your sanity o marriage for anyone's mother.
(5) Ann Brady, May 8, 2011 4:32 PM
We're All Mothers
Ah, a timely and excellent piece to send along to my daughters! They will laugh, as I did, and feel better already as we struggle to allow G-d's healing our relationships. Thank you dear Rebbetzin Twerski. And a blessed and happy Mother's Day to you!
(4) L.S., May 8, 2011 3:15 PM
Yes, BUT...
I usually LOVE Rebbetzin Twerski's advice but in this instance, I disagree on one thing. On one hand, you talk about the importance of staying home and then you say not to feel guilty. Well, in the state this economy is in, many families are truly forced to have TWO incomes to make it work. Even if the husband makes a good living, he can lose his job in an instant with all the lay-offs going around and I think for security reasons, it is best to have both parents working. Also, which studies have shown that children of stay-at home moms benefit more? I know of many women in the frum community who have full time careers and their kids are well behaved, polite, smart ,and well adjusted. We should not make her feel guilty for working whether it be for financial reasons or because she wants to use a part of her brain for something other than ABC's and Bernstein Bears for part of the day. I'm sorry, but I have to laugh out loud when quite a few rebbetzins on this site talk about the importance of staying home when they have CAREERS in teaching, writing articles and books, lecturing, etc. Am I the only one who notices a bit (a lot!) of hypocrisy here?
Rochel, May 8, 2011 7:20 PM
Staying at home is best
Just because the economy is bad and one must work does not mean that it is what is best for the children. There is never a time when dumping one's kids in a daycare is better, all be it sometimes it is necessary. And I am sure that many of the Rebbizens that write for this site are not working full time while they have little kids at home. When you write, teach, etc... you can do it part time and in the evenings, and when your own kids are in school. But babies and todlers need mommy around. No daycare worker, no matter how terrific, is going to care for your little one as well as you would. EVER. Unless you are a bad and neglectfull parent, in which case maybe you should put them in day care.
L.S., May 12, 2011 4:31 PM
Re: Rochel
Rochel, thank you for your gross and inaccurate assumption that I am, as you say, "a bad and neglectful parent". Actually, I am not a parent (yet) but just speaking from personal experience, where I know MANY housewives who spend 8 hours a day shopping and drinking alcohol to make the time pass while their kids are in school all day or their toddlers are plugged in front of the T.V. while many working moms I know have very successful, kind-hearted, observant kids. And once again, no one is able to provide any peer reviewed sources from Pediatric or Psychology journals stating that a parent at home is what is best for kids. If one is going to claim "studies show..." they should have a "study" to back it up, with the reference. Again, all emotions, no facts. Another form of hypocrisy I see is how many frum men spend all day long in kollel not earning a single dime, all the while their wives work full time and are the breadwinners, while the orthodox community talks about how important it is for women to stay home. And sorry, but for the rebbetzins to teach, write, or do ANYTHING outside of homemaking while lecturing ad nauseum about the importance of staying home is, in my eyes, pure hypocrisy. I'm sorry but I am sick of Aish assuming that ALL women want to end their education after High School and stay home all day. Education and financial sustainability are important so that one does NOT become a welfare recipient. I resent lazy people who are too selfish to financially provide for their own children, being a burden on tax-payer dollars. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em! Simply having sex, giving birth, and breastfeeding is not a mitzvah or a favor to society. To be a good parent, you actually need to get off your tush and PROVIDE for your child, emotional needs AND basic needs such as food, electricity, water, clothing, too.
Anonymous, October 24, 2017 11:59 AM
To commenters L.S. and Rochel
Perhaps the lesson here is that one size does not fit all.
(3) Anonymous, May 8, 2011 2:30 PM
dont follow that advice
dont put it in writing, that won't work. and don't draw coclusions---you are doing such and such, are life such and such. the prob is that you and her do not agree on what are the facts. you say she is this way, she says you are that way. try talking, face to face, without losing any calmness, and do no more than describe the facts, observe out loud what happened. see if you can agree on the facts. i wd think you both have 2 completely different ideas on what just happened, what is happening. at the least, pls do not write the letter. do that only when it is all over, for it won't move you two toward a resolution, but to a separation. it will more likely than not solidify the prob, make it harder to overcome. (eg see dec. of independence of usa--just made the chance of a resolution nearly impossible.) you can do it. best wd be to do such a conversation seconds after an incident happens, address it rt then and there. if a person wont listen, wont see themselves, lacks self knowledge, no words nor no letter will convince them. doesnt mean one sd not try. but if doesnt work, then and there is the time to say, "i just tried to pt out a thing to you, you turn your head away, avert your eyes, make a face, and now interrupt me two times. when we can talk, meaning both of us talk, and both of us listen, lets do so. let me know when." good luck. a tough one. for mothers mean so much to us. the love of a mother is a boon in life. i know from having lost mine.
Bubbelove8, May 8, 2011 5:26 PM
Do not put anything in writing! I've tried and it backfires.
Putting things in writing is really not the way to go. I've done it, and it only caused more problems than you can imagine. When you write, people misunderstand; when you talk you can at least make yourself understood and can explain things that you cannot do in a letter. A letter is a kiss of death when what you write is misunderstood.
(2) Anonymous, May 8, 2011 12:14 PM
Fabulous advice
I wish I had been given this advice when I was married, then divorced and single-parenting. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. She passed away last August. She was the kind of person you have described as wretched, Rebbetzin. I have been left with emotional scarring which affect me to this day. I have to try and rise about negative thoughts all through each day and it makes life extremely challenging. This mindset makes relationships quite tricky, but I am continuing to work at it. I will take your last comment to heart and make an effort to count blessings instead of warding off negative feelings within myself. Thank you for the excellent column and happy mother's day to all mothers out there.
(1) Yerushalmi grandmother, May 8, 2011 12:05 PM
A different tack
While Rebbetzin Twerskis comments were very insightful, I think that there is a different tack to be taken. Yes, if you work full time and have small children to boot it IS exhausting and you DO need a break. However, it is totally wrong to dump toddlers on your mother and expect that it is somehow her "job" to give you that break. Yes, it would be nice if she wants to do this voluntarily but it is not her job to do so and if she resents it she is much more likely to criticize you as her way of "getting back at you" for causing her to have to watch your kids because you are too exhausted to do it yourself because you work all week. In my humble opinion, the best person to give you a break on Shabbos is the father of your children, aka your husband. Maybe you can also trade off with another mother of young children - you watch her kids for an hour or so and she can watch yours for an hour or so in order that both mommies get a nap. Then, you can visit your mother for a limited amount of time when you are well-rested and much better to cope emotionally with your mother's opinions. Another thing that might help you is to understand that no matter what other people's opinions, it is you and you alone [well, you and your husband to be more accurate] that make the final decision as to how to raise your children and what is best for your family. You definitely should listen to advice given by others with more experience, since others usually have some valuable experience to impart to you, but the final decision after weighing all advice is yours and your husbands alone. When you are clear within yourself that this is the case you are able to [nicely, politely] express this to others and you will feel less threatened by the well-meaning advice or even criticism of others.