Dear Rebbetzin Feige,
I'm 41, divorced, no children, trying to rebuild my life after an 18-year marriage. I have a new someone in my life, we get along well, she has no children either, comes from a previous 15-year marriage. Everything is fine up, except for one thing: her mother, who just turned 65, lives the high life, doesn't work, is a widower and wants the world to turn around her.
I have asked my fiancée to please control the expenses, my future mother-in-law demands two maids, a car, a big house, travel, etc. To make things a bit more challenging she was diagnosed with severe diabetes and loves sweets, and whenever she's asked to be considerate of herself she responds that she'll die with a candy in her mouth, as if diabetes were that simple.
We decided to put her mother's house on the market, (my fiancée owns it) and are building a beautiful smaller house just next door on land that I bought. I had to ask the architect and engineer not to listen to her because she wants all kinds of expensive extras. I love my future wife-to-be, and I understand the need to support her mother. What I don't understand is how to make her mother be grateful and appreciative of all that she's getting, to find something productive to do instead of just demanding and wasting resources that are not even hers. She has no pension, no inheritance just one desire to waste and waste.
I don't want her attitude to influence my life, I want to help, give her a nice and decent life, but not at my present and future expense.
Please help
Rebbetzin Feige Responds
Dear reader,
Congratulations on your finding a person with whom you will hopefully share a good life. Parenthetically, given the fact that both of you are coming off long and failed marriages, it would be advantageous and even crucial that you avail yourselves of counseling in order to get off to a good start and give yourself the wherewithal to stay the course.
if not dealt with at the outset, The situation with your mother-in-law that you describe can potentially cause stress and tension in your relationship. Please consider the following few points.
A Dose of Empathy
From your account, your future mother-in-law seems to be a handful. Be that as it may, I would encourage you to stop for a moment and instead of viewing her as a list of problems, look at her as a total human being. For instance you write that she is a widow. Has she worked through her sense of loss and abandonment? Does she suffer loneliness and sadness? Her lack of caring and destructive attitude towards herself may be a product of depression, a feeling that she is, as is clear from your assessment, nothing more than an albatross, a huge burden to both yourself and your wife to be.
Nobody thrives when they feel expendable. We all need to feel that life would be diminished if we wouldn’t be around. Towards this end, I would urge you to work on fostering a relationship with her. Money and financial issues aside, try to find out what makes her tick. Does she feel fortunate or taken for granted? Energized or drained? Do you know whether she is lonely as are many in her situation? How has she derived fulfillment in the past? How does she see herself now and in the future? What does she regret? Upon whom does she lean when she is sad? What makes her laugh? Feel understood?
Maybe I have read less into your letter than is actually there but what seems to be lacking is a warm and personal feeling. Empathy, caring, listening, and sharing seem to be missing in this picture.
Changing Others
The first principle in effective interactions with others is the understanding that we can change nobody but ourselves. When you write that you would like to make her “feel grateful and appreciative” you are embarking on a no-win course. The only way to effect a change in attitude is by example. If you adopt a posture of thankfulness, of making a point to find the positive ways she might impact on your life (as difficult as this might seem now).
Find the positives and express them to her and to your wife. This might diffuse the hopeless and resigned feelings that she has towards her existence (i.e. “I will die with a candy in my mouth”). As you get to know her better – her talents and capabilities – you might identify some area where she could be helpful to you and the community. Perhaps a school in the area might solicit her to volunteer as a resource person. Perhaps she might consider hosting a book club (that would mandate growth and time spent constructively through reading), etc. In other words, if you would begin to view her holistically, as a human being replete with both assets and problems as are all of us, rather than a collection of problems exclusively, the dynamic might shift and bring positive results.
A Third Party
Moreover dear reader, you need to be sensitive as well to the parent-child relationship. This relationship defies reason and transcends logic. Hence, legitimate as your concerns might be, understand that there exists a deep and abiding connection between mother and daughter that you would do well not to ignore. At the end of the day, to you, your mother in law is a problem that needs to be fixed. But to your future wife, she is her mother.
Towards this end, I would advise that you seek a third party who would objectively assess the situation and be placed in charge of reasonable measures, procedures and safeguards that the situation requires so it might not get out of hand. This trustee would be the one who would make it clear to her what she can expect and what will absolutely not happen. This person – a rabbi, a Rebbetzin, or a trusted friend – would be the one and not you or your wife who would keep her on a “tight leash” financially. He would be the one who would explore with her the possibility that she seek employment of some sort (if that is even feasible in our economic times for a 65 year old woman).
In conclusion, dear reader, no one would suggest that you allow your mother-in-law or anyone else to take advantage of you. Remember, however, that whatever you do in an effort to create a fair and tolerable environment must be done with respect. People in our lives appear on our scene with a great deal of history, of which we are not even aware. Therefore, proceed with great caution, sensitivity and the behavior of a mensch. As important as finances and money may be, sensitivity and being a mensch under adverse circumstances is ultimately the mark of a worthwhile human being. Good luck.
(13) John Smith, July 7, 2018 6:58 PM
The MIL is a Baby Boomer. They only care about themselves and money.
(12) Anonymous, May 12, 2015 6:06 PM
really?????
It's obvious that Brenda is a needy mother-in-law. Sad and pathetic!!!
(11) Anonymous, August 15, 2013 8:14 AM
High maintenance in-law
The man sounds like a kind person and deserves to be with a wife who cares for him without conditions and puts him first in the marriage. The scenario described above indicates that the daughter, although unconsciously, is looking for another servant to take care of the high maintenance mother's needs.
A classic accommodator syndrome. Her appreciation of her future husband will only be based on how much he will comply in responding to all of the mother's needs. I have seen this happen to a close friend. This is not a healthy environment in which happy a marriage and children can grow. Thinking that things will improve and change is also a fallacy. Looking at the truth of the situation and the family dynamic will help you to think this through. I think this is why the Rebbetzin also suggests that you get a third party to help you , to think objectively. Try to step back and look at it like it is happening to someone else. What would be your advise to him/her ?
(10) scott, August 12, 2013 7:47 PM
Are you kidding
So why do you have to support your mother in law in that style? I am assuming that you want kids and whatnot...does your fiancee support her mother in that fashion and still manage to have a life? How are you getting your fiancee to control costs? Are you already paying the bills? Before marriage?
I gotta tell you...when I married I took on a lot of financial obligations that my wife was not really able to manage herself. We got lucky and made it, but I almost lost everything including my sanity. I'm not sure I would have made the same decision again if I really understood what I was getting into.
Be careful. At 41 if you get in over your head...there's not a lot of time to recover.
How can anyone need two maids for one person? Seriously...are you kidding?
(9) Neicee, August 12, 2013 5:24 PM
I'd have to ask...
Does the future bridegroom (financial contributor) know what caused his future wife's divorce? I seriously doubt it since most demands center around her mother? Contributing financially sounds noble but unless you're very successful with tons of disposable money that will never satisfy the MIL nor the future bride. Mama will always want more and I'm guessing the future bride will see that she gets it. Doesn't the future MIL get social security or pension from her husband's estate? I'd hold off until further information presents itself. Good luck.
(8) brenda, August 12, 2013 4:54 PM
rebbetzin is right on!
I would advise the future 'kallah' to run while she still can! her future husband sounds not only like a tight-wad but also a control freak. it is interesting to say that the MIL's house is not even hers--so tell me, who DID pay for it??? I am sure it was paid for by the hard work of her 'late' husband and is probably in his daughter's name as a future yerusha......
Anonymous, January 16, 2014 11:58 PM
WHAT??????
How can you say such a thing? I don't know from what angle you are looking at this thing, but he has EVERY RIGHT not to want to give the mother in law everything she wants.
(7) Bobby5000, August 12, 2013 3:39 PM
why is he involved with his mother-in-law's life anyway
"We decided to put her mother's house on the market, (my fiancée owns it) and are building a beautiful smaller house just next door on land that I bought." If you have questions about your mother-in-law, why on earth would you move next door. "I have asked my fiancée to please control the expenses, my future mother-in-law demands two maids, a car, a big house, travel, etc."
Again, I don't understand, why are you involved with how many maids your mother-in-law has, why is that your business.
If your future wife has some money and has used it to help her mother, that's her business. If you are looking to cut mom out so that you can share in the money, that will be hard work and you have nothing to complain about.
Ruth, August 15, 2013 12:31 PM
Spot on about the house...
A word to both prospective marriage partners. The house the fiancee 'owns' of the 'mother in law' was bought and paid for by someone...probably the 'mother in law's husband! And probably just put in his daughter's name to make sure she has a roof over her (the deceased man's wife's head!) Knowing the spending habits that man did well in planning , also no doubt saving taxes on estate transfer etc. Golden rule number 1, Do NOT sell the house. Rent it out if need be. The land bank pays good dividends for patience. And the likely hood of two very shelfish ungiving ppl getting divorced AGAIN is high risk. At least the widow will still have a roof over her head, and dear daughter can move in with her mum. And what...land YOU BOUGHT, next door? Are you kidding? Look, scrub your own little nest. Allow your mother in law to be. I am know of a real life case very, very similar to this that took place between 2000 and the widow dying in 2007. It was not a pretty sight. I implore you to not mess with the house provided for a widow. Because you see God has a real special place for widows in His heart because you see, He made her a widow. And you may think she is weak and has no one to protect her. But Her Protector is the same one who made her a widow. So proceed with caution. I also suggest you make a time capsule and bury this letter in a place where it can be read years from now when a future scenario plays itself out exactly like this one. Mirror mirror on the wall....I became my mother after all. Dont mess with a widow because God will certainly hear her cries.
Anonymous, January 17, 2014 12:04 AM
I AGREE 100%
First of all, you need to get to know your fiancee longer to see if she has any emotional problems because of her mother. Be very careful about this, so you won't have problems later
Secondly, if you feel that your fiancee has good character traits, and is a good person,
get up and get out of there! DO NOT LIVE NEXT DOOR TO YOUR MOTHER IN LAW. SHE IS TOXIC and will ruin your marriage (and your life)
yes, you can try to be loving to her and see what happens. (In my case it worked) In any event, do yourself a favor and move as far away as you can, if you are able to.
If you have been able to support her until now, then just give her what she needs, and let her take care of herself. Then call the moving company.
(6) Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei, August 12, 2013 5:21 AM
Mum In Law's Unmentioned Problems
To the person who posed the question:
I believe that you need not spend too much rescources in helping your future Mum in Law live a happy and meaningful life. You did not mention who her friends are. Does she move around in high maintenance women type of social circles? I would say you have a problem. It is a problem of keeping up with the Joneses.
You CAN keep up with the Joneses by learning how to cook healthy haute cruisine, make nice visual masterpieces. A box of standard colour pencils does not cost much, neither do local herbs and spices which can easily take the place of sugar and sweeteners to make food delicious.
Don't know if this is unseemly for a man. Get them interested in dressmaking and fashion design. These activities will keep all happily occupied.
It takes courage to tactfully push this across to the in/out law and her friends but it will be for the benefit of all concerned. Perhaps you could rope in the neighbours.
(5) Anonymous, August 11, 2013 11:14 PM
agreeing with Alan
I will be inclined to advice Get out of the situation while you can.
It will never change, you will be made to feel like a stranger in your own marriage. You deserve to live the last half of your life happily. The author's advice works only in normal relationships, not when dealing with some one with this level of problem. You could also end up inheriting a big financial disaster. There will always be another partner who will care for you and be responsible, and knows about healthy boundaries within the family. Just be a good friend to your fiance, but don't get caught up in this.
(4) TMay, August 11, 2013 9:56 PM
Oy.
Regarding future mother in law, he did not say how long the future mother in law has been a widow and whether it was sudden or whether she cared for the father as a convalescent for a long time. Building the house on the property for the future mother in law is a bad idea, and the man seems to think the problem belongs all to the future mother in law whereas the daughter is equally at fault. He can rent out the cottage he is building and use the money to support the MIL somewhere else. Maybe the idea of selling the MIL"s house was not a good idea, don't know how big it was. 65 is very young, even with diabetes. BTW they sell diabetic candy that tastes sweet and does not have sugar and does not harm the health of a diabetic..If he has already mixed his finances with his fiances then that was not a good idea.
(3) sandy, August 11, 2013 6:49 PM
excellent answer
Great response for a difficult dilemma! Applause!!
(2) anon, August 11, 2013 4:51 PM
I'm sorry but this is TERRIBLE advice
It sounds like the MIL has a narcissistic personality disorder, and if so the SIL will never be able to please her. His attitude is admirable, but what he really needs is not to learn how to reeducate her (an impossible task), but to learn to put up boundaries. Help her out a bit and treat her with respect, but don't pander to her every whim. Setting her up next door to the new couple is a TERRIBLE idea and gives the MIL the completely wrong message. They need some distance from her, at least of a short drive and preferably a bit more. This kind of person should not be in "popping in" distance. The MIL is childish and immature and all she will do is to try to make their lives revolve around her. And they will never be able to satisfy her, because nobody can. I promise you that if you don't do this, the MIL is going to put a huge strain on the marriage.
(1) Alan S., August 11, 2013 8:13 AM
Your advice, while good in a general sense for normal in-law relations, in my opinion, misses the mark in this particular pairing. What you advise is the way things generally should be in a normal son-in-law/mother-in-law relationship. However, the way he describes it, this is anything but what normal family relations should be. The world 'dysfunctional' immediately comes to mind. No son, daughter, daughter-in-law or son-in-law wants to see a parent struggle, as long as the parent is trying. His future mother in law sounds like she is a Queen, and expects everything handed to her without effort on her part. This man is making a mistake if he expects his future wife to start to rein in her mother. This you wrote by suggesting a third party apply the brakes. But his resentment is already there -- and they aren't married yet. It sounds as if he is marrying a twosome, which he obviously does not want. Using the word you wrote, he already views her as an albatross. The world know that if a fiance does not make their intended the priority, than a marriage is bound to fail. Love will not assuage this man's fairness in the future.