Dear Rebbetzin Feige,
I'm a single Jewish 30-something woman looking for my soul mate and for the life of me I cannot find a solid Jewish mensch who, I hate to say it, is emotionally mature, ambitious, ready to settle down and commit to building a loving marriage. Someone who can handle a smart, Jewish woman like me. I'm beginning to give up and am thinking of dating outside the Jewish pool.
Rebbetzin Feige Responds
Dear Reader,
Your pain and frustration are totally understandable. It appears you have a great deal to offer. Your longing to find an appropriate mate is a legitimate desire and a worthy pursuit. For whatever it is worth, not that it is of any consolation, there are many women out there who find themselves in the same situation. I understand your feelings of desperation.
I would like to offer several points for your consideration.
As important and vital as marriage is, the primary relationship in our lives is the one with the Master of the Universe, the Creator of all life, including our own. We are never alone. To the extent that we develop a meaningful relationship with God, we are less vulnerable as singles.
All of our disappointments in life, notwithstanding, we owe God a debt of gratitude for the privilege of waking up in the morning to greet the dawning of a new day and all of its blessings. We count our blessings and appreciate them, despite our awareness that neither our life nor anyone else’s is ideal or perfect. Indeed, all of us face tests and challenges to our faith, and we understand that we are measured predominantly, not by our valor in the midst of tranquility, but by our courage in the face of adversity.
Many of us harbor the misconception that our relationship to God is like a soda machine; we put in our nickel, i.e., our deference to His will (dating Jewish in your case), and out pops the soda of our choice. Clearly, life is not so simple. If there would be a direct, crystal-clear correlation between what we do and its reward or its punishment, there would be no room for free choice. If every time I would visit my mother-in-law in the nursing home I would win the lottery, I would perforce visit her daily. It would not only be a no-brainer, more importantly it would become an act devoid of my choosing. It would become thoughtless and robotic.
In God’s scheme of running His world, the reward for visiting my mother-in-law, or for observing any good deed, is guaranteed, but when and how we don’t know. Moreover, we are taught that the more difficult the challenge, the greater will be the reward. God’s ways are ultimately hidden from us, the eyes of man cannot plumb their depths. Therefore, it requires an act of faith in the interim. We need to “hang in there” sustained by the knowledge that as painful as the situation may be at this moment, God knows our suffering, that He loves us, and that everything that happens to us is a product of His loving choreography and is, in the long run, for our best interest.
The greatest beneficiary of doing what is right, despite the often heart-wrenching difficulties, is ourselves. We are the winners. Beyond the rewards, doing the right thing resonates with the integrity of our souls. There can be no greater gratification than being in sync with the eternal dimension of one’s person. Having said that, on a day-to-day practical level, my dear reader, intensify your prayers, “storm the heavens” so to speak. Express your pain and frustration to the Almighty. Enlist His assistance. Make Him your ally.
Additionally, many people I know have found their mates online on Jewish dating services. You do have to be careful and thoroughly check out any given candidate. Get references and do your due diligence. It is an arduous and time consuming process but can lead to successful results. Visibility and networking is another avenue to explore. I suspect you have tried these ideas and find them unproductive, but don’t give up. Go to synagogue events and meet people. Seek out invitations for Shabbat and holiday meals in people’s homes where they or their guests might think of a possible match for you. Stranger things have happened.
Don’t hesitate to call your rabbi, spiritual advisor or friends on a regular basis to touch base and ask them if they have come up with any suggestions for you, even at the risk of feeling like a nudge. Remember the adage, “It is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.” Uncomfortable as it might be, there are times when we have to be the “squeaky wheel.” We call it due diligence, putting forth our best effort.
And finally, my dear reader, maintaining a positive attitude, a cheerful and upbeat demeanor, is critical. A sunny disposition is a magnet for good things.
At the end of each day, all of us, no matter what the circumstances of our lives, need to say that our day was fruitful, that our deeds were worthwhile, and that we used our precious time wisely.
Good luck to you and may God bless you!
(53) David, October 25, 2015 8:50 AM
Subject of mariage
Let it come to you. How? Have the big bread and don't expect he will necessarily.
(52) Michael, October 22, 2015 1:54 PM
Dating to Marriage
I agree with the Rebbetzin It's practical to enjoy life G-d blesses you With.. I'm 43, no wife, no love life, and I Take things slower now. Do some Mitzvot Be helpful, learn from Rivkah, Leah, and Rachel.. Honor Hashem and give Tzedakah. Let Hashem calm your heart.. Give thanks to G-d for the blessings, challenges in your life. It will all turn out for the best in G-d's timing. May Hashem bless the single person with Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding..
(51) Jendavax, August 22, 2014 9:53 PM
Setting the bar
Before going into a whole encyclopaedia about your issues, I think there is one reason why you are not hitting it with anyone.
You set the bar way to high, emotionally mature? Are you kidding.
Do you just want a plank to cuddle up with,if he is so mature why would he bother with you.
And ambitious?so exactly what are you bringing to the party. Women today want their men to make money,so they can spend it on Gucci .
You need to be ambitious and not a burden on the poor guy. He doesn't want a whole load of kids and a dinner cooked for him, he wants excitement not someone who seems to want cake and eat it too.
There are a lot of Jewish guys who are ambitious but they have their faults but what you want is a rich guy who is a puppy.
But if you lower the bar you will get what you want and be happy
(50) ariel, July 17, 2013 12:33 AM
i understand your longing.
My name is Ariel and I am in the same situation but I wait for the same, a good Jewish woman. I do not consider a non Jew too often and I will wait for her either way for I can only be completed by her. Often it seems it will never come but it will. I do consider HaShem as my strength in all this and he is faithful. My email is cheverim@live.com , if you get frustrated and need to write, I am here and won't judge whatsoever. All the best to you during this struggle and ones to come.
(49) Paul Ackman, May 15, 2013 3:36 PM
If you are looking for an older guy, look for an older guy
You want "emotionally mature, ambitious, ready to settle down and commit to building a loving marriage.' Sounds to me like you want a 40 or 50 something man. If you are dating men that age, keep trying. If you are dating in the 25 to 32 range, who's fault is that?
Pavel Goberman, February 25, 2018 3:47 AM
Dating: Health is more important than age.
Dating: most are asking: "How old are you?", but never ask: "Do you swim butterfly strokes? Do you push
-up 50 times in 1-min?, do you pull-up 5 times? do you use a jump rope? do you have a lot of energy? and etc.".
But I'm NOT 30 or 60, but older.
So, how old am I? I "forgot", but I'm healthy and have a lot of energy.
(48) Paul Ackman, May 10, 2013 12:31 AM
What age range are you considering?
You mentioned 5 qualities you seek, and at least 4 are related to maturity. So, what age range are you looking at? If you say you want a man between 26 and 33, whose fault is that? Are you dating men with the qualities you seek, or are you dating men your own age, because you don't want to be with someone older than you are? Rebbetzin Feige is 100% right, but she didn't answer your question, because you didn't ask the right question. You need to ask yourself if you are truly seeking men who fit your criteria, or are you dating the wrong men, hoping they will magically mature for you.
(47) Scott, May 6, 2013 4:15 AM
What's Important?
You list your requirements as mature, ambitious, reasy to settle down and build a committed marriage. Those are all good things and you deserve your share of them in a mate.
Ever notice that people kinda look like their dogs? Ever notice that people tend to end up with people on the same attractivenss level...I mean how often do you see a ugly woman with a handsome man...or vice versa?
People attract people on their level.
Are you mature? I wonder because in your list of qualitites you didn't list the things that really matter in a marriage...good father, compassionate, stable, connected to a Jewish community, committed to something, passionate about what he does, and who loves you.
You listed mature...that usually means that he sees things like you do and has the exact same priorities. You said ambitious which usually means makes a lot of money-materially motivated. Ambitious men tend to put settling down on a low priority-men can have kids into their fifties. You said ready to settle down and commit to a marriage which means he's ready to make his life outside of work about you. That list does not seem mature. And your response...there aren't any good Jewish men left so I'm looking elsewhere...wow, that's the most telling. Why would a man committed to a Jewish life settle for a woman who isn't?
Tell me something...if you were a mature, successful, spiritually committed Jewish man who could have almost any woman he wanted-why would you want you? Not saying that men don't line up for you. Not saying that you're not great already, but if I were fishing for a specific kind of fish in a specific pond and getting no bites, I might think about what kind of bait I was using.
(46) Shoshana, May 2, 2013 9:29 PM
intermarriage
I unerstand this woman's pain, and I wish I could tell her it will get better. I actually signed up with KoreanCupid to find a husband but before i findished my registration I realized that no sane goy would tolerate me, what with Shabbat ( no Fiday night movies) and kashruth. I don't attend singles events unless they're sponsored by a Jewish organization. By doing so It's like telling the world you're not Jewish, or at leats you're willing to give up a Jewish lifestyle. I'm still open to dating an marrying a nice goy BUT he will know from the get go who and what I am --- above all else, I am a Jewish woman and I love Medinat Israel above my own life. I can cook Korean food---without pork and shrimp. I care passionately about what happens in Korea, but if a politician has policies that are good for Korea but bad for Israel, well I have to oppose him. I am not telling this woman to NOT date a nice non Jew, but FIRST, she must get very clear with herself about who and what she is. Otherwise, she risks being taken away from Judaism.
(45) Anonymous, May 2, 2013 8:59 PM
Handle?
I mean no disrespect, but a lady who wants somebody to "handle" her is setting herself up for disappointment. There are very few men who want to marry, and come home, to a woman that must be "handled".
Saying that you have to be handled implies that it won't be a loving relationship, but a constant, low-level conflict that must be won. That's not a relationship that most men will willingly enter. Even if a man does, it likely won't end well for either him or her.
(44) Anonymous, May 1, 2013 5:49 PM
Does any of these words help?
I think the words are beautiful, positive, hopeful, yet they don't really help. I am a 50-someting beautiful woman who has not found that special someone. Sometimes it is a matter of luck, some are not so lucky. The best advice is live your life to the fullest, and pursue what you love.
(43) Anonymous, May 1, 2013 4:53 PM
Sorry, this is just blame the victim...
This does not resonate with me. All the single women I know do not suffer from lack of faith in Hashem, nor do they have an unrealistic idea of receiving what they prayed for just because they prayed. They are open minded and try to see the good in every guy they meet. Stop blaming them and start looked at why the men that are left cannot seem to find a match.
(42) Dmitry Isakovsky, May 1, 2013 4:05 PM
I'm a gorgeous single genius looking for a model of perfection to adore me!
What would you make of the title line above? I'd conclude that the guy who wrote it belongs in an asylum of one sort or another!
Perhaps the problem is in . . . you, my dear! Do some reality check, humble yourself and pray to God to provide a mate suitable for you!
Anonymous, May 3, 2013 2:40 AM
That was totally rude--she wasn't saying that.
She was expressing the desire to marry and build a relationship. There is no need to speak evil of her.
(41) Jackie, May 1, 2013 2:46 PM
You GOD will be my GOD
Don't underestimate "some" goyims who love Judaism, love Israel and support its causes. Many will be happy to convert and embrace all the Jewish tenets. When those issues are cleared, POURQUOI PAS? (why not)?
(40) Anonymous, May 1, 2013 2:02 PM
You are not alone
I am in the exact same situation, though I spent my 20s dating Jews and non-Jews alike. In hindsight, I understand some of the choices I made were not good, but they've made me the person I am today. Now that I'm serious about marriage, I joined Jwed. But so far, I'm meeting selfish, emotionally immature men who aren't good communicators. I'm not talking about material things or even appearance. I'm not picky or superficial in that way. I'm talking about personalities and attitudes, from the get go, that are unappealing. It is truly difficult out there. I'm working on myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually, to make myself into the best partner I can be. I'm very social and and accept any invitation I receive. I'm doing what I can to make this happen. I know that I can't lose hope. This is the thing I want most in my life, and I deserve it. Good luck out there.
diana, May 2, 2013 3:38 PM
I got married at 40
I simpathize with the singles because I struggled so much to find my husband. I finally found him at the age of 39 on Frumster now JWed. He is not rich or ambitious or handsome. But he had one quality that I liked: He was honest with me and did not play mind games like most guys. He never said I'll call you and then not call me. He was genuine. So the ideal husband that I had in my head did not come true. I wanted someone taller than me who was an architect so that he could build our home and have financial stability. None of these things came to pass. But in return I got a real person who wanted to get married and had a normal attitude and was open to want to get to know me. We have problems in our marriage but at least I know what is on his mind and he knows what is on mine. Sometimes he makes me laugh and sometimes we fight and I cry. Marriage is not perfect and singles have to change their ideas of finding a perfect person because that does not exist. Maybe the woman would find a nice man but what if he is not ambitious? Would she dismiss him?
(39) Anonymous, April 30, 2013 11:15 PM
WAIT until you find someone right for you
Some people seem to have done it all right. They married young, had healthy children, maybe grandchildren too, and are still married. Parnasa and school came easily, and they have friends, family, good neighbors,and a support system. Baruch hashem they also have good health.
But do not ever be jealous of others mazal. That is what Hashem designated for them, and for you, nisyonot. Their tikun is perhaps in seeing if they can view you , and care about you, without looking down on you. I once read a saying, "Never look down on anyone unless you are doing so to help them get up." Instead of helping people with less fortune, many with the best fortune as described above, look on the unfortunate as "an opportunity to show they are generous" rather than sincerely feeling the pain of another human in distress. Then again worse still are those who silently think the ones who have poor mazal are lacking zechusim and deserve no better. How often do we hear people say to someone unemployed, "What do you do all day" rather than say, " Please email your resume I may know someone you can talk to." Or as here, say, "Do not be picky" rather than, " I have someone in mind for you." Truly, some people could use counseling to help them commit or be realistic, but may need to be encouraged in that direction, not put down.
I was single until mid 30s, I married a man with serious issues unknown to me, had no biological children after 2 decades, got divorced, am unemployed, and yet here I am writing my views. We are all valued humans, no matter if we did not accomplish what others have. We have a purpose to be here and are valued by people who are capable of placing value to others. Never despair. Hashem does not make mistakes when he creates us. We need to do what Torah teaches and leave the rest to Hashem. When your time to marry arrives, may you have Hotslocha. Meanwhile, realize that what is meant for you will not be denied. Hashem is kind.
Freida, May 1, 2013 3:48 PM
For You.
All the good things that you wished for her, may Hashem send for you, as well as for her.. You sound like a wonderful person.
(38) Anonymous, April 30, 2013 9:42 PM
Be positive
Rebbetzin Feige states with interesting insight your frustration. If you do decide to search online, review your posting and eliminate negative words such as 'not', 'cannot', and 'hate'. While the in context they may seem OK, individually they convey inner feelings that might inadvertently push the very man away you seek.
(37) Miriam, April 30, 2013 11:23 AM
5 minutes a day
Rabbi Shlomo Diamond advices an incredibly powerful idea: Talk to G-d about one issue, one problem, for 5 minutes every day. Pray to G-d to send you a husband for 5 minutes every day. You can spend some of the 5 minutes thanking HIm for stuff, talking about your pain, praying for a friend as well..Just talk to him for 5 every day asking for a kind emotionally mature, wonderful Jewish man whom you can respect and love and who will respect and love you. Miracles do happen.
Don't intermarry. It's spiritual and emotional suicide. Wishing you the best!
(36) Anonymous, April 30, 2013 1:44 AM
Be less picky. Problem solved.
You're only as single as you are picky.
Be less picky, problem solved.
Miriam, April 30, 2013 11:18 AM
Picky?
Because she wants an emotionally mature mench? (Yes, maybe the "ambitious" has got to go...)
Michael, May 1, 2013 4:50 PM
Not Picky- Standards
Do not your standards! Know what you must have and what you would like to have, what you cannot allow and what you would rather not have in a mate, and stick to the MUST lists. Anything else and you invite unhappiness down the road.
Anonymous, April 30, 2013 4:17 PM
Very insensitive
What a terribly harsh remark to make to someone who is in a lot of pain. It makes huge assumptions about her experiences with little to no knowledge of her trials. Settling is a VERY BAD idea. She knows what is right for her and that should be respected and supported. Someone who knows her personally could judge if she has an unrealistic expectation but to throw a "too picky" blanket on a stranger is just wrong.
Anonymous, April 30, 2013 10:47 PM
"wanting" something doesn't entitle you to it. 30 single woman don't need sympathy. They need to get realistic. Drop the expectation mentality, and start giving the average guys she's been rejecting her whole life a more serious look.
Abigail, May 1, 2013 9:49 AM
Just because she wants an emotionally mature mensch that does NOT engender a sense of entitlement. Wanting to marry someone with whom you are compatible and like is no different than wanting health, kids, livelihood things which I'm sure you want and value. Everything that G-d sends our way is a gift, nothing more, nothing less.
Anonymous, May 1, 2013 1:28 AM
so wrong
being picky has nothing to do with the shiduch crisis I got married on my 33rd birthday and it happened after I realized Hashem is in charge and asked him for help. Those who say you are picky dont know much about this crisis, and should keep their mouths shut.
(35) Sandy Walt, April 29, 2013 10:20 PM
Clarity...
If a girl is in her 30's and unable to find a man, its more likely her issues than anything else. If she is supposedly such a catch, she would be set up left and right with decent men. Again, its her frustration manifested as outward frustration. Simple!
(34) Anonymous, April 29, 2013 7:15 PM
Ambitious?
I notice your list of criteria. " ... emotionally mature, ambitious, ready to settle down and commit to building a loving marriage. Someone who can handle a smart, Jewish woman like me."
A short, powerful list, but I question your inclusion of "ambition." What do you mean by that? That it be must important to him to make money or "rise" in the business world? That if you don't have a substantial income you can't be happy? That you are Type A and a Type B guy would make you impatient? That if you found a wonderful, warm, loving, frum, fun, emotionally strong and mature, settled and committed guy you'd pass him up because of a lack of ambition??
Of COURSE you are fully entitled to your own list of needs!! But that particular one makes me say "hmmm..."
(33) Steven Stein, April 29, 2013 6:53 PM
Waste Of Space!
Jewish Dating Scene In NYC Is Horrible!!! Jewish Women Can Not Commit To Marriage!!! Jewish Men Inter marry
Anonymous, April 30, 2013 11:24 AM
The one thing I have learned in life, weather your Jewish, Chrsitan, there will be some women who cant commit, it doesnt matter what their faith is. interfaith is not the answer, I should know. I love my partner, but it has been a very difficult road. and love alone is not enough..
(32) Aa, April 29, 2013 5:10 PM
Stay strong
I feel for you !!!! I was there and I know exactly what you must be going through! All I can say is that my friends who married younger didn't necessarily do as well as my friends who got married late twenties / early thirties. I am happily married 2 years now, and we are expecting our first child. Both my husband and I rushed before and both of us were divorced by 25. So just stay strong and be patient! Your should mate is out there ! Perhaps he simply isn't ready to meet you yet! My best advice is to really put yourself out there ! Go to singles events, force yourself to attend. And the most important advice is do not settle! If something feels wrong, don't waste your time talking to the guy .... Keep looking for my right because he is certainly out there looking for you too.
S, April 30, 2013 2:28 PM
Thanks
Thanks. too many people have the stupidity to say "Be less picky", it says in Pirkey Avot that a person shouldn't judge anyone until they walk in their shoes, but the opposite is correct as well, the best advice comes from a person who understands first hand. thanks.
(31) Sruli, April 29, 2013 4:56 PM
Suggestion
I fancy myself the kind of guy the young woman is looking for. She might want to get in touch with me, or have someone she knows do it in her behalf. The possibility beckons.
Best regards,
Sruli
ktu7yip at outlook dot com
(30) Joshua, April 29, 2013 4:22 PM
It may be you, not them
Some practical thoughts from a psychologist: You wrote that your goal is to have a relationship. Men pick up on this. It makes them feel like a prop; instead of focusing on and enjoying time with your partner, you are in love with your goal to be married. Two, you wrote that you want someone who can "handle" you. Clearly you are giving mixed messages. Decide if you want a respectful and egalitarian relationship with someone who is a loving partner, or if you want a romantic fling with a Latin lover who will "handle" you, and take responsibility for "whatever happens". Your Latin lover will not give you an egalitarian relationship. Your loving partner will, but you will have to accept that he has insecurities and you too have to take responsibility for the direction of the relationship. Please decide what you want before discounting the entire lot of Jewish guys looking for a strong Jewish woman. Last, make sure you keep yourself in good physical shape. It matters a lot.
(29) Boca Mom, April 29, 2013 4:17 PM
raise your children iwth good values
Unfortunately, a very big reason people are not finding value in someone is that they didn't get raised to look at the qualities of a human being, but rather at their outer appearance and monetary standing. This applies to many communities where you see people who are supposedly practising their religion but they are so materialistic about what they are wearing, so concerned about how their hair looks or what makeup to use. And women who only will date a doctor or lawyer, men who will only date a good looking slim woman. How about putting some of the onus on the community to change and instill better values? Look past what someone does for a living, what they look like, to their heart. I try to raise my children this way but I see in the way a lot of their friends talk that all they care about is how a girl looks. I was actually very proud of my oldest when one day he was talking about the suitability of a pretty girl he knew and he said it would not be good because he didn't think he could have a good conversation with her and they had different interests and areas of intelligence. Not one word about how she looked.
(28) Bobby5000, April 29, 2013 12:45 PM
Be happy now
Women who are married complain about their husbands, women who aren't wonder when they can get married.
First, I would say be happy and enjoy your life now. Perhaps in five years you will be working 8 hours, cleaning another 2, making dinner, and getting woken up twice at 2 and 4 and the morning, getting ready for another day.
You may wonder why you didn't enjoy life at the time. Having reached the 1/2 century mark, I'd say enjoy your life at each stage. High school students work to get into college, college students to prof school, to a job, and you may look back and say my school years were the best why didn't I enjoy them.
That may end up helping you get married.
People like happy upbeat people. I have a family member who is quite popular. Part of the reason is he is happy and fun and people like to be with him.
Anonymous, April 30, 2013 9:01 PM
KVETCHING 24
find someon to be happy with. don't be mrs kvetch. TRY TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY...PERHAPS YOUR PARTNER WILL RETURN THE FAVOR, IF NOT KEEP SAILING.
(27) Anonymous, April 29, 2013 12:19 PM
In that frame of mind
I have been single for some time now, had several failed relationships and now am reclusive. I have thrown myself into work and thought to be happy alone, but have found I crave more. I know how you feel, and I want to thank you, Rabbi, for this, it will help me get back out there. It gives me back some hope.
(26) Alban, April 29, 2013 8:12 AM
Life has its challenges and finding a soul mate can be so trying. I understand. I guess also it happens to males. I myself is a single male in my late 40's wishing for a jewish soulmate. Would you be interested to connect..... shalom
(25) Irene, April 29, 2013 8:12 AM
How small are out God?
In the very first Chapter of the Torah, where God creates man, He says that it's not good for man to be alone, and that He will create him someone like him - as an alley. If it wasnt good for the first man (or woman, she was created to be a partner) to be alone, who had the best contact With God ever... How come we believe that God don't think it's good for us to have a partner too? A God who created a partner to the first human, wouldn't He do the same for you? Adam had to work and wait for it to happen, so do we. But, the God who says He loves us, surely have planned for the needs even He expresses that we have. Stay in relationship With God, so that He can guide you there - pray for the obstacles to be sorted out, and be willing to do Your part. Make sure you become the partner that Your future man will want to have.
(24) Anonymous, April 29, 2013 4:22 AM
I dated for 8 years, and so remember the desperate feelings and thoughts that came with the experience. I think I found my soulmate when I got my criteria down to very basic ideal. No frills, just decent, intelligent and a mentch. I actually got much more than that, but being open and determined to building a relationship is the attitude that I think turned the tables. Don't give up, he is there for you, he just might not look like what you envisioned.
(23) Anonymous, April 29, 2013 3:30 AM
excellent!! thank you, Rebbetzin!
(22) M.G, April 29, 2013 3:24 AM
I feel the same way.
Your desires and desperation are a very accurate description of how i feel regarding meaningful relationships. However I am a 32 year old ambitious male who is trying to find someone who is intelligent, emotionally stable, serious about life and is ready to settle down. Too many times i find myself dealing with 25 to 35 year old 'girls' who are not ready to act like women. On the other hand, I am NOT willing to settle for a non-Jewish woman regardless of how wonderful she may appear to be. For thousands of years only the Jewish women had the merit to give birth to the greatest leaders this world as known. Be strong dear, it will take a good man with mature character to recognize what you have to offer. And when that happens you can make him very glad that he choose a good Jewish women for a wife.
(21) Anonymous, April 29, 2013 2:03 AM
Mature, introspective guy exists!
I am an emotionally mature, ambitious guy who is looking for a deeply meaningful relationship with a Jewish woman. We do exist! Perhaps the Rebbetzin can help...
(20) Anonymous, April 29, 2013 1:48 AM
I have some thoughts about this post. My son is in the midst of breaking up with a non-Jewish girl who thought she would convert but just can't go through with it. Please do not date a non-Jewish person; not because they are not fine and decent people, but because you will be setting yourself up for unnecessary heartache.
I get very sad when I hear Rabbis and Rebbetzins speak about how if a person knew that for every act of kindness they would get a reward it would be a no brainer and they would keep doing acts of kindness just for the reward. I feel that this so takes away from the natural goodness of some people. Isn't it supposed to be that a person would visit her mother in law with and without good things happening to them? I know that I try to do the right thing no matter what; I have never had a tit for tat attitude about being a good person. It saddens me to think that people do.
I also think it is very hard to "hang in there" when there are no changes for the good taking place in a person's life. It's easy to do so when things are going relatively well; when they're not it's really asking alot.
With all that, please do not date a non-Jew. It will not lead to happiness.
(19) Michael Schreiber, April 28, 2013 11:35 PM
Life is a gamble when your wife isn' t Jewish!
Life I thought could be fulfilled.by marriage. Like I found out you cannot compair apples
(18) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 11:29 PM
Just pray.
When you really want something in life, then just pray for it. Also, I hope you are not letting men know how desperate you feel. Nobody likes to be pressured. Good luck, dear, and I will pray for you too.
(17) Glenn Davis, April 28, 2013 11:25 PM
It seems like this Woman already has her expectations of a Jewish Man already firmly set in her mind?...However truth is often different than the reality!.She sounds like she is ready to mold and shape him into the image that SHE wants, rather than let him be an individual!...Soul Mate does not mean someone who thinks like you or is a yes sir, no sir person, but someone who will let you grow into the person that you would like to be, and vice versa!.
Also Marriage is not the end all be all to any emptiness we may have in life!.We all carry a lot of emotional and mental garbage into Marriage, which only becomes visible after the event!.The woman's happiness should not be the requirement or prerequisite of getting married!..She should already possess those characteristics already!
(16) Stephanie, April 28, 2013 9:27 PM
Wishing for a happy Jewish marriage
I applaud the rebbitzen for assuming that the questioner has "a great deal to offer." The only quality that the writer reveals is that she is smart. And we only know that because it is her own opinion of herself. Who knows whether that constitutes "a great deal to offer"?
Be that as it may, I believe that Rebbitzen Twerski is on target. A sunny disposition and a positive attitude will go a long way toward bringing success in every area.
It is none of my business personally but I think it's wonderful that the writer desires to make a Jewish marriage. She has a commitment not only to herself but to her people. May she find a man who shares that with her.
Finally, the term "30-something" is a pet peeve of mine. In this case, the writer could have written, say, 32 or 35 or 39. If she hopes to have Jewish children some day, the correct number makes a difference! It's more ponderous to write "30-something" than it is to write "32," and it's obviously much less precise.
This woman should keep trying, and she should be sunny and positive. A lot of women find a Jewish husband. I wish success to this woman too.
And I refuse to call myself 40-something. I'm 47 and proud of it.
.
(15) Tami, April 28, 2013 9:24 PM
Agee wit l.s.
Completely agree with what no Rebbetzein will tell you. If you have exhausted the supply of Jewish men, get your fertility levels tested. If they are low ish perhaps it's time to look outside of the Jewish community. Time is of the essence. Don't wait around forever for the elusive right Jewish man. If you are Jewish your children will be Jewish and you can set the tone in the home.
Anonymous, May 1, 2013 5:28 PM
No, no, NO! Do not gamble with your children's future!
I cannot agree less or disagree more strongly with Tami, above. Children know what they are taught, and a non-Jewish parent may not wish to influence what the kids believe, but I believe it is so rare that it doesn't warrant mentioning. Wait for the right partner, please!
(14) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 8:39 PM
Don't give up!
I feel like I could have written the same question two months ago. It's like being in a dark tunnel with no way to know when the light will come. Just believe that it will, and know that Hashem wants only good for you. Lots and lots of tefilla, tzedaka, and ma'asim tovim will bring the right person at the right time!
(13) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 8:04 PM
300 reasons why you're not married
I heard another prominent Jewish man say that there are 300 reasons why women won't have a second date with a man, men only have three. Having high standards is one thing, being nit-picky is another. And when you say "handle a smart, Jewish woman like me" what signal does that send to a man? No man wants to "handle" a woman, he wants a teammate that will work with him, not mother him nor lord over him. Have you seen this commercial? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk Lighten up and relax, your soul mate is probably in front of you.
(12) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 6:45 PM
Qualifications
Interesting that you say that there are no Jewish single men who can "handle" you. You might be overrating yourself. Be careful! If you really believe marriage is that easy, think again.
Best of luck.
Mark Twain said be careful what you wish for! You may get it!
(11) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 6:40 PM
You can't judge a book by its cover but you can judge a man by his friends
I am a married Jewish man. When I was single, I was shy and immature. About 15 years ago, when I reached my forties having never been married, my parents encouraged me to find a wife. This was before internet dating services but my local Jewish Community Center had something similar - notebooks full of photos and bios of single Jewish women (and men). Over the next 2 years I dated about one hundred Jewish women, most of whom rejected me. The few women who were interested in me, were closer to my age and already had children. I was selfish and wanted to have my own children and I was fortunate to meet a much younger women who had never had kids. We were married but I was still immature. It took much longer to successfully have children than I had imagined but, after several pregnancies, we finally had children after seven years of marriage. My immaturity has continued and it has caused hardships for my family. My wife has stuck by me and done everything she can to save our family. I have learned that she is actually very wise. She pointed out that, when she met me, I had only a few friends and, in her view, they were "dweebs". My suggestion, is that you don't be afraid to judge a man by his friends.
(10) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 4:22 PM
What Happened
I got married when I was 37 thank G-d. Thirty something what where you doing when you where 20 something! Take responsibility that you have chosen to go to an ice cream store and some of the flavored are either not available or gone. Do some soul searching and hopefully you will find your soiuate!
(9) Marcia meyerstein, April 28, 2013 4:21 PM
In 1972 I placed a note in the western wall saying that I needed a Jewish mate to live a Jewish life. I felt that I had done everything I could possibly do o attract one and had failed. That year I received a phone call from a friend of a friend who was in town for 4 days. 6 weeks later he came back to see me. 3years later we were married. Don't give up hope,but make sure that you are not judging men too harshly, Don't worry about how tall they are or if you like their mothers. Marriage is hard work but it is worth it.
rachel, April 28, 2013 8:54 PM
Trust God to give you a husband
I left a piece of paper on the western wall asking for the love of my life for marriage on a trip to Israel. I went home & forgot about it got on with life, work & friends. I met the man who would be my husband at a new year party & married a yr later. We celebrate 25 yrs together this Aug. I do believe God answers our prayers in the right time.
(8) Leah, April 28, 2013 4:19 PM
It gets better, I promise
I agree with Rebbitzen Twerski's response. I would like to suggest working on your own sense of joy, developing non-work related recreation that you truly love, often, the one you are destined to meet will be there as well and will observe the happy fun woman that you are. As educated women, we are often very overwhelmed with career and observances. We are hard on ourselves and likewise expect potential mates to do as we do. But there is more to you than work. A man is much more attracted to a woman who is interested in many things as she will be interesting. Then he will appreciate the academic and productive elements of your charecter. A man will want a woman who is relaxed and happy vs stressed out. My advise, go out for some healthy fun. Learn how to make time to play. Within the requirements of tznius that is. Best wishes.
(7) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 4:03 PM
Single woman
Good advice and interesting thoughts
(6) Rafael, April 28, 2013 4:02 PM
The Miracle
Don't give up until the miracle happens!
(5) joel, April 28, 2013 3:52 PM
From a guy's perspective
It works the same on either side of the Table. The perfect match is only the one that Hashem provides for us. I personally have given up looking and have chosen to have faith in Hashem that he will bring me my soul mate. In the meanwhile I'll use my alone time wisely to grow closer to my creator.
Joanne, April 29, 2013 2:16 AM
Finding your Soul mate
I too am in the same situation. I have maintained relationships with a group of girl friends we meet one Thursday a month for dinner not one of us have found a man to date. Times have changed you would think with all this technology it would be easier to meet your soul mate There is something to be said for having friends introduce you to someone they know personally , much safer Be Blessed in your search for Ms Right I have a feeling you are going to find her Joanne (JoJo)
Brian, April 29, 2013 6:43 PM
Technology is not helpful
I dunno, when I go out all I see are people glued to their smart phones and tablets, ignoring much of the real world around them.
(4) Anonymous, April 28, 2013 3:23 PM
It is no better on the other sidr
We are racked with immature men and women. Mixed marriages are hard, i know. Anti-Jewish attitudes come up from spouse and in- laws. Raising children is more difficult. Where will you live to please you both and have real diversity. I wish you the best of luck.
(3) L.S., April 28, 2013 2:42 PM
more suggestions...
In continuation from my last post...
8) Always look your best. Even if you are just walking the dog or going to the grocery store. Wear flattering clothes, put on lip stick, find a good hair style. If you need to lose weight, do it. Get in the best shape possible. Whiten your teeth, Do what you need to do to improve your appearance in any way.
9) Don't use education as the only barometer of success. Just because someone doesn't have a graduate school degree doesn't mean they aren't successful in a career. There are plenty of people with "only" a BA who are successful businessmen and entrepreneurs.
10) Remember that anyone can convert to Judaism. As a woman, your children will be Jewish no matter what. There are many non-Jews who love the Jewish people and our traditions. Why not find one willing to convert? By setting a good example of representing Judaism well, you may add another Jew to the world by influencing him to convert. Once you're in your 30s, time is of the essence and you can't afford to just "pray and wait". Might I add that there are MANY people whose families were forced to convert to Catholocism four generations ago. So many "non-Jews" of Spanish, Italian, or Polish descent are actually halachically Jewish.
This is all I can think of for now. If I can think of more suggestions, I will certainly let you know. Hatzlacha!! May you find what you are looking for very soon!!
(2) L.S., April 28, 2013 2:23 PM
generic advice
Do you really think the woman hasn't thought of online dating or going to synagogue events? Now for some REAL advice. Here goes: 1) Step outside your hashkafa. What really matters is that the guy is Jewish . Don't rule out someone because of a label like "FFB", "Sefardic" or someone from a different country or culture. 2) Go out of the house as often as possible. You will never meet a guy in your own house. Have your morning coffee at Starbucks, go to a sports bar to watch a game, eat your Sunday lunch outside at the park, take your dog to the dog park and mingle. You will be surprised at how many men you can meet spontaneously that way just chatting with strangers. 3) Go where the boys are. 4) Expand your online options outside of Jewish sites. For example, Ivy Date is not geared specifically towards Jews BUT a lot of Jews happen to be on that site because Jews do go to Ivy League colleges. Ditto with goodgenes.com and some other ivy type of sites. 5) Join a professional network. If, for example, you are a lawyer, go to legal conventions and professional development conferences. 6) If possible, go to a vacation out of town. Travel to Seattle, St. Louis, Washington D.C., Texas, or other places outside the conventional NJ/NY/PA area of Jews. Smaller communities are always eager for fresh new meat and you may surprise yourself by who you can meet at an "unconventional" location. That guy you meet on vacation may be IT for you and the long distance may cause him to propose quicker than he otherwise would have.
Anonymous, May 1, 2013 5:32 PM
Fabulous advice!
Well said, L.S.!
(1) Abigail, April 28, 2013 10:39 AM
One of the reasons I enjoy reading R'Faige's column is that her responses are both deeply sensitive and deeply insightful. This response in particular is one I will keep close at hand. Thank you.