You can’t miss what you’ve never known.
Every year when the Nine Days come and the Jewish people are plunged into a period of deep and intense mourning over the destruction of the Holy Temple, I bump up against this hard truth.
I am careful to observe all the practices of mourning that our Sages outlined. I refrain from cutting my hair, from listening to music, from eating meat or drinking wine. I work to understand that the loss of the Temple was epic, that it signaled the end of a period of prosperity and peace and plunged us into a dark time of exile, of revilement and humiliation from which we have still not emerged. I know that our grief and our yearning must never abate until the Temple and the Jewish people are restored to our former glory and yet… you just can’t miss what you’ve never known.
I try to feel it. I want to feel it! I immerse myself in the words of our Sages of old and the Rabbis of today. I read the Lamentations and try to imagine the terrible desolation, the siege, the hunger, the abject fear that faced our nation, but it’s like straining to catch the scent of an exotic flower you’ve read about that blooms once in a lifetime in the desert. Or trying to imagine your unborn baby’s face. I want to, I ache for it, but it just isn’t there.
It’s the ruin of my own world that I grieve.
And yet I too lament. The sadness of this time does not leave me unaffected. I am heavy with sorrow for a destruction of a different kind. It’s the ruin of my own world that I grieve.
I mourn for the wholesome world I grew up in when I see a generation that is deaf to each other but alert to the buzzing of their cellphones, a generation where people amass friends through Facebook but would not greet them in person or extend them a helping hand. I see our decline in the diminishment in modesty, physical and spiritual, that manifests from every billboard where faceless torsos contort, selling soullessness, and unclothed, uninhibited marchers parade by flaunting their nakedness to the world. I see it in a world where we parent out of fear because our children believe that with their gadgets they have surpassed us, discounting our wisdom and advice in favor of their memory cards and gigs of ram.
I feel the sorrow of our world in the stories I hear every day of babies stricken with terrible diseases, with lifelong difficulties and their parents who struggle desperately to save them.
I see it in the rash of charity collectors who come to my door daily, each with a story more compelling than the last and I feel it when I give them money but I don’t invite them in because “you can’t be too careful these days.”
I hear it in the speeches I have given my children about pedophiles and molesters, some of whom look just like us and I feel it in the shame of “Orthodox” criminals making headlines in the news.
My world is collapsing before my eyes! A world into which I was born and raised and grew, destroying itself with its own corruption and decay. In panic, I hear myself call out, ”Eichah! Alas!”
But I have learned enough to know that God does not abandon us even in exile. That He has promised that as we mourn, one day we will be comforted. And I find myself speaking the old words of entreaty, “From your place on high look down on us! See our desolation and intervene because we are waiting for You!”
In the face of my deep sadness there is nothing to say but the words that have already been said, by countless Jewish voices throughout thousands of years.
“Our Father, our King, save us! Save us from this world without boundaries. Save us from sickness of the spirit and from perversion and from pestilence. Save us from starvation and from the hunger of the soul. Our Father, Our King, we have no merits! Have mercy upon us and save us from ourselves!”
When the Nine Days come, I feel the ache of all the miserable curses of exile, the prophets’ words fulfilled, and I pray fervently for our redemption.
So even though I can’t miss what I’ve never known, I can still lament.
(21) WLM, July 24, 2015 9:38 PM
Nothing New Under the Sun??
These words were written by a very kind person. Someone who cares so much and wants goodness and realness instead of what looks like badness, sickness , sadness and fakeness. To see our own acting like this, very sad. I understand where she is coming from. I feel it and see it. I hated that I felt naïve.
Realizing that wanting goodness is real, wise and good, I started to get back to who I was.
Technology can bring it all to light. We can speak up and not fear retribution. My Jewish upbringing wasn't about hiding things when children were hurt.
Now some have been protected. But I cannot get why the adult's life was more important than the child who was hurt.
(20) Anonymous, July 23, 2013 4:34 PM
Beautiful
I think that the other commentor wrote some truth when he said that people don't change and the past was not always better. In the period leading up to the destruction the Jewish leadership was bitterly divided, and the groups were slaughtering each other as they argued over the Roman occupation. We are often protected from the worst of the world as children, and look back through our own innocence, which is now lost.Perhaps that is partly what we mourn.
And yet, the world HAS changed. Older people talk about the changes they have seen in their adult lives, over the last 50 years. I grew up with Goofy's "Mr Wheeler" (made in 1953) but not until 1987 did it become so prevalent that it got it's own name, "Road Rage". People still left their doors unlocked, even when I was a teenager, at least in the day. And of course all the issues you mentioned. To say the world hasn't changed and people haven't changed is to ignore the reality...and why? Because if this is just "the way of the world" then we don't need to feel shocked, or sad or in any way responsible to change it. It allows a comfortable complacency when instead we should follow the realistic optimism of Pirke Avot. "It is not yours to complete the task: but neither are you free to desist from it." It will take generations to fix, but we must begin now.
I admire your ability to mourn. I'm afraid I have gone past mourning, which is still innocent, and fallen into anger and some cynicism...yet even the angry cynic has not yet given up hope.
(19) Rebecca, July 19, 2013 12:58 AM
Gush Katif
You are right. It is hard to feel what you have never known or personally gone through. However, one of the things I started to think about and mourn over on Tisha B'Av, as well as during the nine days, was the story of the people of Gush Katif. I don't think it was a coincidence that the tragic story of the Gush Katif families and how they were forced to leave their homes, schools, synagogues and even dig up the graves of their loved ones, happened during the time of Tisha B'Av in 2005. To this day nearly 50% of the Gush Katif population that were ethnically cleansed from their homes are struggling without homes or jobs. It's truly haunting. We need to keep these families in our hearts and prayers and help them as much as we can. I sincerely pray for the day that they will be able to return and rebuild in Gush Katif just as I pray for the day that there will be lasting peace throughout Israel and the rest of the world.
(18) Scott, July 18, 2013 5:34 AM
Objects in the past may appear more impressive than they were...
These kids and that loud rock and roll. When I was a kid....
Life changes. The world changes. People...really not so much.
Life was never all about character. The past was not truly better. How do I know? All the wonderful stories about the past are anecdotal. I remember that guy who did everything for everyone. If he wasn't an anomaly...he would have never stuck out. You'd have never have noticed him. The great rabbis of the past were only-and here's where I usually get in trouble-great in comparison to their time. There are greater rabbis alive today because people learn from the past and get better. Have more resources. It's just that the general level has risen so what we see is less impressive in comparison to what's here today.
I talk to my parents about my childhood. It see it as ideal. I was a kid. They see when dad lost his job and the neighbors were rude and how people cut us off in traffic. They remember that time they were cheated by the auto mechanic and the bad teacher who picked on my sister. It goes on and on.
As for the increase of pedophiles and religious people committing crimes and whatnot...it's jut that today we talk about it. It's on TV. Today is better because the bad things come to light and we now try and fix them. The pedophile rabbi in the shtetl just got away with it because people were too afraid to speak up back then.
In the past there was no Israel. There was no Aish where we could come together across borders and talk about stuff and help each other. Today is better.
As for people helping others...make aliyah. It will restore your faith in human kindness. People do lend a helping hand. You just have to be open to getting help.
Me I like today and have hope for the future. I appreciate my blessings and expect more of the same. Try positivity. Try gratitude. It may not change the world...but t may change you.
Anonymous, July 9, 2014 5:41 AM
Bravo!
I too believe that we are only getting better. Thank you for this post!
(17) Mordechai Shuali, July 18, 2013 2:20 AM
One Long Exile
By far one of the most important and well written articles I have read on AISH.com. Thank you so much for the thoughtful and thought-provoking piece.
I want to add two points. (1) You don't have any problem relating to the nine days, the three weeks, or our very long galus/exile in general. You have not found your own, personal, close-to-home churban to mourn while others are mourning something they never experienced. (You may in fact be one of the few who are truly mourning the exile of our people 1,945 years ago.) What you are experiencing are some of the facets of this long, hard, and bitter exile, some of the affects it is having on His people. As you have certainly learned, any generation in which the Beis HaMikdash is not built is considered as if they have destroyed it. That means when it appears ever more difficult to discover what HaShem wants from us - how He wants His named sanctified through our service - it is because the galus is getting its way. Which brings me to my second point. (2) Galus is simply another way - another locale and set of circumstances - to bring honor to Him. Galus and Ge'ulah both have as their root gimel - lamed which means to reveal. Both in exile and in the final redemption (may it come speedily) are media upon which Kovod shomayim may, and should grow. May you continue to be sensitive to the influences of the attacks on our people and its challenges, and may you, and all AISH readers, be part of those through whom the Honor of Heaven is increased.
(16) Inbar, July 17, 2013 9:40 PM
lament yes, but do not condemn this generation this categorically
Dear Yael,
Your loss and longing shines through your words. And it may seem this dark, as if today's generation is truly lost. In many ways they may not all have a pure spiritual compass, and often they may dress and behave in ways Torah-observant Jews and other religious people find unacceptable.
But there are also many extremely encouraging things to be seen among today's young people.
They care about their world, they want to improve it. Many of them are active in projects that try to address the wrongs they see in their world.
They may even be doing that when you assume that they are deaf to the pople around them...
Don't give up on them - I do not belong to their generation - because if you look closer, you see their neshamot shining through.
(15) chanie, July 17, 2013 5:35 AM
thank you for reinforcing vigilance
I am a mom to seven kids ages twelve and down and appreciate your words. I couldn't agree with you more. my own chidhood wasmuch more innocent without the pressures my children face today. we need to stay on guard because the world really changed. and we must keep praying..harder than ever before.
(14) Anonymous, July 16, 2013 9:57 PM
Yes, you've said it very well!
There is what to lament over on Tisha b' Av, and it's not just YOUR world. When we ALL feel for others, and still call out to Hashem for help, we are relating to the loss,This helps us feel connected to the decreased relationship with Hashem that is what we collectively are missing, and have been missing for hundreds of years.(via Rabbi Orlovsky Jerusalem 2013)
We all need CONTINUED EFFORTS to reach out to each other in klal yisrael and know that HE hears us and WILL HELP.This will bring down the Bais HaMikdash that is waiting to return to Yerushalayim. Thank you for saying it better than I could!
(13) David Lobell, July 16, 2013 9:50 PM
We did not start the fire
Dear Yael,
I too moun the loss of greater era, a space in time long forgotten where life itself had a completely different character and meaning. But even during this idyllic time there was plenty wrong the with the world. But I remember fondly the closeness of the Brooklyn neighborhoods of my youth, where the people were more connected to eachother, where a much greater sense of community existed and where the stores and lunchenettes were small and intimate and life was not as daunting as it is today,the gadgets that were to supposed to make life easier have only served to isolate us from eachother and complicate it even more. The lack of cultural quality and the dumbing down of Society is in evidence wherever one may look. Now I was not raised in a religious environment and when I was older I could not understand how my Father so fervently followed Judaism, despite a life that was not much more than a litany of non stop misery yet there he was waiting with bated breath for his next opportunity to perform a Mitzvah. So when I went to his Lavayer and saw the entire community (replete with five Rabbis who eulogized him) come to mourn this man who did not have two nickels to rub together but had a burning desire to do what was right and correct in the eyes of the Allmighty. Then I began to see what life was really all about and I was reminded by the Jewish Community of Far Rockaway what life was like and where the innocence of a forgotten era now resides. A Frum community has all of the trappings of an bygone era where honesty, wholesomeness and true and genuine concern for ones fellow still exits. Please take a look, it is all there just like you remember it. All the best!!!
(12) Yehudith Shraga, July 16, 2013 2:41 PM
Visions of Redemption by Shaul Yosef Leiter
The Shabbat between Rosh Chodesh Av and the 9th of Av, our annual mourning period of the destruction of the two Holy Temples, is called "Shabbat Chazon". The word "chazon", Hebrew for "prophetic vision" is the first word of the Haftorah read on this Shabbat. Each Jew is given a subtle vision of the Third Temple on this Shabbat… This Haftorah contains stern admonishments of the prophet Isaiah to the Jewish people to repent.
Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berdichev, one of the great Chassidic masters and fabled as the defender of the Jewish people in the Heavenly Court , revealed another meaning of Shabbat Chazon: he taught that each Jew is given a subtle vision of the Third Temple on this Shabbat. This vision is meant to arouse in us the desire to finally have the Third Temple, similar to a child who, having been shown a gift he will receive, strives to improve his behavior. "Enough of this exile," we are meant to say and feel. "We want the Temple, so we can finally serve G-d in the best way, the way that G-d originally requested of us."
http://www.kabbalaonline.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/461793/jewish/Visions-of-Redemption.htm
(11) ST, July 16, 2013 2:31 PM
Depressing!
This is such a pessimistic view of the world. Yes, there are challenges, but there is so much love, kindness and good things out there too.
Anonymous, July 16, 2013 3:01 PM
denial
on the contrary just because one sees the and acknowledges the horrible things in the world does not mean its a pessimistic view, if one is to heal then the sad job of acknowledging the bad we see must be done. If all we see is the good then the bad will never be addressed hence never have a chance to be made right.
(10) Anonymous, July 16, 2013 1:42 PM
Sad but so true
I just discussed this topic the other day with a number of people who are in their 40s and 50s. Many of us mourn for the days when people were more careful about their words, their dress, their manners. Perhaps it was all just superficial, but it made for a much easier world -- especially for children.
(9) Hannah, July 15, 2013 1:30 PM
we always feel sad for the world that we knew
It is common to be sad and regrettful (perhaps, nostalgic) when we think of the world as it was in our past. I am not sure if I can relate to the whole sentiment in this article - if you focus on the new possibilities that the "new" world offers, not on its drawbacks, you can see how it may be even "better.' I may be older than the writer. I have seen many things change drastically. I learn from my father, Hashem bless him, whose scientific mind as curious, as a child's. Everything new is wonderful to him, it makes him want to explore. he sees positve changes every day. he is even older than me and if he looked too closely into his past but with negativity in his heart, he'd find that the world has gotten harder and worse. But it is not how how he chooses to see it. My point is that the world is not collapsing if you choose to see it differently. It is evolving.
(8) Yaffa, July 14, 2013 7:05 PM
Lamentations
Nice. But I wonder, was the world ever "better"? If it was, once upon a time, then why were prophets necessary? Why was the Beit Hamikdash destroyed not once, but twice? Perhaps spiritual desolation is the normal mode.... unless one learns to live with humility and joy in the shadow of G-d.
Basha, July 16, 2013 2:14 PM
40 year encore!
...Every generation of Jews gets a kick up the backside to remind us who we are! - we are quick to assimilate, quick to turn on ourselves by extending neshama to our enemies - will they do the same? doubt it, so this is why we need the reminder of Tish B'av!
(7) E Moskovitz, July 14, 2013 6:03 PM
Very deep--as the Nechama will also be!
(6) Melissa, July 14, 2013 6:00 PM
A Good Dose of Perspective
I echo your well written sentiments. And yes, there is what to mourn, on many levels, and there is also a path of prayer accessible to all of us that connects us with God, with the purpose of these days and with ourselves.
Much appreciated.
(5) miriamwcohen, July 14, 2013 4:48 PM
there has always been evil in the world
Everyone yearns for their own simpler time, when you were young and the world was open. But there has never been a simpler time, there were always "bad things" lurking. Pedophiles, yes even Jewish ones were around in my youth, poor people, and immorality, homosexuality, you name it, it was there, always has been. The openness of this new information age is not a bad thing, it is good to know the world around you. Faith is a good thing, prayer for a better world too.
Jason Snyder, July 15, 2013 6:21 PM
What about the recession?
Even though there were "bad things" lurking in the past, there is one really BAD thing that is present now and that is this recession and the fact that countless people are struggling for work. Such issues were not as apparent in the past when I was growing up. It just seems like now with higher gas prices and everything, people have a more "fend for yourselves attitude". It is also exceedingly hard to look for a job and to secure employement nowadays. such things were not as much in the past when growing up and this made the world a much easier place to live in. The loss of faith and the integrity of people over time is one thing that I mourn. What do you think?
(4) Anonymous, July 14, 2013 4:17 PM
me too
I grieve w you for the same losses and more. I pray sanity
will be restored but observe the "grownups" behavior is not
encouraging. Where are the rest of us?
(3) isha tz'nuah, July 14, 2013 3:44 PM
you have so beautifully expressed what so many of us feel and know
(2) Anonymous, July 14, 2013 3:39 PM
Thank you for putting my observations into the written word.
(1) Yehudith Shraga, July 14, 2013 3:32 PM
Different way to lament the Lack of The Temple.
Dear, Yael Zoldan, do not fool yourself about the previous generations, the Temple wasn't built in their times, while we still have some time left. When you are a grown up, your childhood looks" pink", and even if it wasn't so "pink" it does look so, because, guess what, we didn't have to much responsibility, now when we have grown up and face the life, we refuse to grow up and cling to the past memories.
The Holy Zohar says that if we see a person and we can't help wondering how the Creator can "stand" such a creature, the Zohar reminds us, that if he/she is still alive, the Creator has His plans for that person. The same will be true to say about our generation, as "ugly" it may seem to you, the Creator has His plans for us for sure, we are not a lost case, we have the ability to accomplish a lot!
So, instead of lamenting your "negative" impression of the present generation,try to connect with your vision of the Yerushal'im Habnu'ya and the Third Temple built and the Light of Mashi'akh shining bright over the Zion and cry and miss ALL THESE as much as you can, because your Soul DOES know that if we overcome our fear of taking responsibilities, the Vision of Yehesqel(Ezekiel) will come true.