When our six-week-old Avi died I emitted cries that I never knew existed. I had never experienced such anguish and pain.
That must be the pain that God feels for us since we've been exiled. Tisha B'Av is a day when we mourn all of our national tragedies, yet it is also a day when I am remembering my own personal tragedy. As I sit on the floor I have flashbacks to that last day when we came home from the hospital without our Avi. It's not that coming home without him was strange; we had been doing that for nearly six weeks. It was the knowledge that he wasn't in the hospital waiting for us to come back, that we would never take him home, that I would never hold him again.
That day we came home as mourners. We took off our shoes, tore our clothes, sat on the floor and cried. For a whole week that was our reality.
On Tisha B'Av I feel I've been given permission once again to return to that deep intense mourning for my son. Everyone is sitting on the floor, everyone has removed their shoes, we are all mourning the tragedies that have befallen our nation. Today is a day when I do not have to pretend to be okay. I can let myself feel the pain and allow myself to remember. I do not have to explain to anyone why I am mourning; I am no different than anyone else.
On Tisha B'Av I beg God to remember me, just as I am remembering His pain. I beg for our exile to end so that I can once again have my baby. I sit on the floor and cry.
I used to struggle to really mourn on this day; now I don't even need to try. I just need to give myself permission to remember, to mourn and be sad. On Tisha B'Av there is no one to comfort me as the mourner like there was in that first week after Avi died. Today everyone joins me in mourning.
On Tisha B'Av God is mourning the loss of His children. The destruction of the first and second temple that caused us to be in exile, the Spanish inquisition, Crusades, pogroms, the beginning of WWI, and more. I finally understand the pain that God feels in having lost his children. Yes, we as a nation are still here, we still serve God as best as we can, yet it is not the same.
I finally understand that pain. I don't have to try to imagine; I know this pain first hand. I let the tears flow, I let the memories come back. I just need a big cuddle with my baby, but he is gone. Instead I sit here and allow myself to cry. Tisha B'Av is a day when I do not need to pretend I am okay. I allow myself to fall apart and mourn my loss.
(9) Anonymous, August 14, 2019 4:03 AM
I felt every word.
I was once the child shown on your mail. My parents helped me to accept that my feet were different from other children. I am drying my tears as I remember those years. Thank you.
(8) LeeAnn, August 11, 2019 3:35 PM
Amen
Beautiful words Kim. We will never forget Avi.
(7) Anonymous, August 11, 2019 2:20 PM
Personal
Kim, You made Tish b'Av personal! We should all take thec9th of Av personally!
(6) Mrs. Miriam Grossman, August 11, 2019 8:48 AM
In a way you're lucky.
I know that sounds strange. Let me explain. I lost a baby, but she was only two days old. There is no mourning for a child less than 30 days old. So we did not get to mourn or to sit shiva. We don't even know where she's buried. That is minhag Yerushalayim. But I do mourn. This happened 34 years ago, and I can still talk about her as if it was yesterday. I am blessed with five healthy and wonderful children and many grandchildren from them. I believe that my life is truly blessed. But I'll never forget my little girl.
(5) yitzchok ben avrohom, August 11, 2019 7:08 AM
Thank you very much.
Hamakom yinachem eschem besoich availay tziyon virusholoyim,
(4) Devorah, August 11, 2019 4:16 AM
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I read this while holding my own baby of about the same age and have tears running down my face. I can’t even imagine the depth of your pain but I hope you find comfort and will be able to cuddle with your son, again, very soon, with the coming of the Mashiach. Thank you for sharing.
Leah, August 11, 2019 8:14 PM
Amen. Speedily and soon.
(3) Pegoty Ngeno, August 8, 2019 5:44 PM
It gives a summary of the experience of mourning the loss of a loved one in desperation that he wished it didn’t happen yet it’s a reality and relates it to how our Saviour mourns our disappearance from his presence as a result of sin. It’s a great message
(2) Anonymous, August 8, 2019 4:45 PM
Thank you
That was very moving
(1) Laura, August 4, 2019 3:50 PM
May Avi’s family find peace, especially for his parents.