I’m looking forward to Tisha B’Av this year. I’m yearning for the mourning. You see, during the height of the pandemic, I had to stay strong for my family and students. Even though I shook with fear when I checked the news, there was still breakfast, lunch and supper to be made that day. There were lessons to prepare and classes to teach, tables to clear and floors to mop. Breaking down and mourning for the newly bereft family members of our nation was simply not an option. I had to stay strong.
When there were horror stories of loss and devastation, there were classes my children needed to call into on time. I had to be available and in control of myself.
So I put the grief in a box called "When there’s time." Pesach cleaning began. The weeks flew by even though the days seemed endless. And suddenly Shavuot meals needed to be cooked. My kids still needed those daily meals. Children don’t stop needing to be taken care of because their parents are distraught.
So the box remains unopened. From time to time a flap becomes undone, like when I see a fundraiser for the bride whose father died a week before her wedding. Or when I read a synopsis of an obituary about some of the great people that we have lost.
But how can I take out that box when there are more loads of laundry to fold? My kids need an emotionally stable mother.
So I tape up the flap and say to myself, one day I will allow my heart to feel the pain of what happened and the sorrow of who we’ve lost.
When I was younger, I disdained the Three Weeks and especially the Nine Days and all of their mourning restrictions. Smack in middle of the summer, just at the height of vacation time, there’s a period of mourning. No music! Then no more water activities which were my favorite. Why couldn't the mourning period be during a dark winter month?
Now that I’m older and hopefully wiser, I see that few things are black and white. Mourning doesn’t have distinct walls and times. Neither does joy. There’s the brand new healthy baby that can come with the challenge of exhaustion and colic. There’s the glowing bride and the ecstatic groom and yet years which are followed with learning about communication, compromise and hard-earned growth. There’s the proud Bar Mitzvah boy reading the Torah but the missing Zaidy who passed away too young.
So too, there are the beautiful summer days but still no Third Temple in Jerusalem. There are children frolicking in the pool but the world around them is disintegrating. There are too many young ladies waiting to build a home and too many ill with terrible diseases. And yet, the sun shines brightly in the summer.
The period leading up to Tisha B'Av brings it all to a halt. Is it truly ever light or truly ever dark? In the midst of the pandemic, we saw misery beyond belief. But that also came with unprecedented kindness, creativity and unity. The dire times brought out the exceptional work of so many in our holy nation.
Soon the time will come for me to take out that box of grief during the time dedicated to mourning. Right in middle of summer as usual. But this year brings a deeper, stronger connection to that halt. I pray that next year I will look forward to Tisha B’Av for a very different reason. May we see an end to all tragedy and may God speedily redeem us.
(5) Leah feldberg, July 30, 2020 12:51 AM
Well said!
(4) Jennifer Yaffe, July 26, 2020 8:20 PM
taking out mourning box on tishabav
doing nothing but grieving and mourning , lack of control
(3) Anonymous, July 26, 2020 4:54 AM
So true, thank you
As a mom and teacher who experienced countless losses these last few months, I too am holding up inside of me lots of grief and mourning. I will join you in letting the tears flow freely this tisha baav. And it's ok for my children to see me cry on tisha baav. Let them learn that for all the bounty we have, we really are lacking so much more that we cant even grasp. An extra facet this year is that I now have a better understanding on the verse in Eicha that says that Jerusalem is like an widow. I will cry for all the widows who have lost their husbands to the pandemic and I will cry for my beautiful Jerusalem who is so lonely without her holy nation and the holy shechina
(2) David, July 23, 2020 3:16 PM
Very positive attitude!
Candidly, I'm not looking forward to Tisha b'Av. I don't really have an unopened "box of grief" (the idea sounds a bit neurotic). I'm also not particularly sorry that we don't have a Temple (I like a nice barbecue as much as the next person, but animal sacrifice is rather passe, no?). I don't much care for fasting, and there's something terribly phony about artificial, ritualized misery about things that really don't bother you.
Avi, July 23, 2020 5:24 PM
Dearest Brother David
Unfortunately, during this generation and many before us, we all, from the most "observant" to the apparently more secular, struggle to identify with ritual sacrifice. Our purpose in this world is to live our lives in a manner that brings us closer to G-d. These animals were, and will one day again be, the ideal vehicle to achieve that closeness. There are several informative articles on this site explaining the beauty of it, but until we actually experience it, we will never be able to fully relate to it. And the saddest part is that we can't even appreciate what we are missing. The "artificial" rites we accept upon ourselves are more than anything else a reminder to connect to that loss in any way we can. Like all aspects of the Jewish year cycle, it is another opportunity to reprioritize and redirect ourselves. None of us enjoy the rituals, though some of us utilize them, some of us keep them but ignore the message, and still others cast them aside completely. Which of these will we be this time? I personally hope to welcome the challenge to better myself.
(1) Yoni, July 21, 2020 7:59 PM
The balance
One of the most important and difficult things to achieve in life in general and specifically in Judaism is the delicate balance so accurately portrayed by the author. This past week we said chazak vinischazek, said the special prayer for Rosh Chodesh and at the same time read from one of the three haftoras of mourning. Hard to strike the balance, yet so necessary.... a life long job.